Shoot me, beat me, run me over, but don't TAX me

Yes, it's April 15, a day that lives in infamy. For non-US readers, it's Tax day. This is the day your tax return has to be mailed by. The 11pm news will have video of people standing in line at the post offices to get their envelope stamped before midnight.

It's legalized highway robbery. The Internal Revenue Service is anything but a service, and strikes fear into anyone who hears its name. They can seize your bank account, take your house, and take parts of your salary, all without your input. Trump borrowed from the libertarian platform when he said it should be closed. If you have a problem with closing the IRS, pick up your W2 and see how much money was appropriated/stolen from you in just the federal box. We are being sucked dry. And politicians want to spend more, raising the debt every single time. The same politicians who pledged to reduce debt and stop spending. Btw, think about the total of everybody's federal taxes.... who sees that money?

We had a situation with the IRS. I called for an explanation and was not pleased. Wife called later and the rep said I was not pleased.

President Giveaway just gave the IRS $80 billion. How did he get into office again? 

The military industrial complex had a 30 day orgasm after Iran fired on Israel. Just think of the profits!

I have been on the phone for over a month with the IRS. When I say on the phone, I mean on hold for an hour, then transferred and on hold for another hour. These legal demons from hell LOST a tax return. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE THE TAX RETURN FOR THAT YEAR? I sent it via TurboTax, so it was filed electronically. So I had to fax a copy, which required a Sherlock Holmes hat, a shovel, and 48 hours straight of digging everywhere to find the document. I don't have a fax machine, so I went to a store that rhymes with Maples and paid to fax. It didn't go through twice, and on the third time, my 12 page fax cost me $27. I could buy my own fax machine for 2 or 3 faxes. This was the same Maples that charged me $110 to ship a laptop via ground service, and I had to tell them how to pack it so it would survive. Yes, I know... it's my own fault for not having a fax machine or running a shipping shop, with all the right boxes and bubble-pak.

Today was the nicest day of the year so far.

You know what that means, right?

MOWING.

I think I was bitten by a mower when I was little. I just HATE mowing.

Even my high performance 250 volt mower kept stalling. It also refused to chew up and spit out metal fragments on the ground. Last year I fragged 2 of the neighbors. Neighbors' houses, I mean. I would never hurt my neighbors (they have bigger mowers).

In fact, when they heard I got a 48v mower, they got 100v mowers. The batteries were bigger than truck batteries. This year I got the 250v auto-powered! I don't even have to push-it goes up hills and over small children by itself.

My greatest desire, after being a minor rock star, would be to have all my grass removed, never to grow again. I already checked and I'm not allowed to cement it in. More government bulldookey. However, I noticed the area my dog hangs out in only grew little spurts of grass. Halleleujah! I could collect half of her urine and distribute it over the rest of the lawn! But then I'd have to collect half of her urine. It's a sticky wicket, however you look at it.

Wife's doctor sent 2 prescriptions to the pharmacy. They got 1. How does this happen?

I hope they're not using their own medicines. Again. 

 

Sleeping more flushes junk out of the brain

Until next month, when it will be discovered that more sleep just makes you tired.

Elizabeth Warren, famous Indian Chief and African American, believes TurboTax should be reported to the FTC because of their infernal selling and upselling and hiding the free options. Having just used TurboTax, I am in the very uncomfortable position of agreeing with Rabbi Warren.

When I say in agreement, I mean that everything she says about it is true. I do not, however, want to run off and tell Big Brother to make them stop doing it. All we need is more government interference. If you don't like it, don't use it... let the market decide.

But it really bites the big one. Every time it asks you a question, you have to think carefully and look around the screen for other options. It has you fill out your state form, then wants to charge you $69 to electronically file it. Your choices are to file or delete. Time wasted. Then it wants to sign you up for other things Intuit owns. It tried to get you to sign up for more expensive plans. It's almost like constant commercials. A little while back, I had an article about many tax preparers sending info to Faceyspaces. I believe H&R Block did but TurboTax didn't. Pick your poison.

Three Left Hands and Two Left Feet

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be bizarrely crazy (or crazily bizarre) on command? I don't plan this stuff.. I sit down and type. The sarcasm comes naturally, but the topics.... I think I channel them. Like from some long-dead comic wannabe who is so incompetent in death, that he can only reach one person among the living. Unfortunately that person is me. Whether or not I'm living is another question entirely.

Nah, I'm just kidding. I steal all this stuff from some other unsuccessful blog.

• Greetings to my visitors from Ukraine. We go way back.. I knew you when you used to be The Ukraine.

I have already warned against the Ring video doorbells.
In my previous rant, they were given to police to shill in their neighborhoods, allowing 'video sharing.' Video sharing means warrantless surveillance. The icing on the cake comes with facial recognition plans, via a neighborhood watch app. Amazon itself has stated this is on its way.

The people shocked by 1984 agree that we're already in 1987.

You're already at risk with the Ring: anything that connects to the net should be bulletproof. Wanna make a bet the Ring is? Who has access to this data besides you?  Are you sharing data with the neighborhood, the police, and Amazon? If not (yeah, right), what is the legal process for the police to obtain the video? Sure, you could turn it over voluntarily, but what if you don't want to? With facial recognition, everybody's going in the database. Nothing good will come from any of this.  How do I know? The same way you do: look at our history... if something can be used, it will. No exceptions. This is another step in Surveillance Society. Like England, we'll not be able to go anywhere without being on camera - including our own front porch.  Combine this with our Alexas, and Amazon has our entire lives, with the police being one click away.

Before you say, "Let them watch - I have nothing to hide," understand that you are guaranteed freedom from illegal search and seizure via the Fourth Amendment (in the US, in theory). This also applies to phone/email/net spying, but that ship has sailed.




Dear lefty

• Why do they call it global warming when it's so cold outside?
• Because you touched yourself too much when you were little.

YouTube has a closed captioning option. I had no idea.
How did I find this out?
The dog.
She thinks she's the only thing allowed on my lap, which is unfortunate when I'm using my laptop. I removed her paws from the keyboard and discovered that she somehow managed to scroll to the bottom of the page and turn on CC. At least one of us has some brains.




In these days of Commercial Excess<tm>, Black Friday seems to be creeping up on us. Not because it's close, but because it keeps getting earlier. Bloody xmas decorations are up in stores, weeks before T-Day. Then the pre-Black Friday sales. Now the Black Friday sales the week BEFORE Black Friday. I got notice of these recently, days before the week before Black Friday.

Fair warning: next year, Black Friday will be on Valentine's Day, and you had better have the lights and tree up before the end of February or the Commercial Police will throw you in Retail Jail.

Last year we finally managed to get a tree up. And when I say finally managed, I mean we definitely stated we were going to have one up. Then it was definitely going up by xmas eve. Then xmas day, but screw it. This year we have agreed early that we're going to have a tree this year, so we'll have even more time not to put it up!  There was a lot to be said for those very silly artificial jobbies, that came right out of the box, complete with lights and ornaments already installed. All you had to do was locate it first (it had been in the way the entire year, so now you can't find it) and put on the single personal ornament you bought a few years ago, but haven't had a tree since, so it's new! You will also discover that you have two trees. You have no idea where the second one came from.

The sales flyers (all in email now) are coming fast and furious. One guitar company has been doing 50% off days. An amplifier website has 15% off everything. They're giving away pedals that aren't 35% off. I tell Mrs lefty about all the money I'm saving her with these sales, but she reacts the same was I do when she tells me how much she saved ME by buying 5 pairs of shoes instead of one.  Look at the advantages... you don't have to shop or wonder what I want, or stand in lines and fight the rest of humanity, many of whom have been up for 3 days on meth and think it's Easter. Simply click the online form, insert payment information, and they'll friggin deliver it, regardless of how much it weighs. If we feel nostalgic for in-person shopping, for a small fee they'll give the delivery driver some meth.



Speaking of saving money, I managed to find the same deal as last year, at Southpaw Guitars (THE lefty guitar store). By selecting a used guitar, I saved my wife $1,000! The $4,000 Custom Shop Fender 1956 Stratocaster reproduction is only $3,000 used, thus saving $1,000. I am willing to make the sacrifice for my wife.  It's at least what we spend on shoes....

Also speaking of which, Peets Coffee has a subscription plan, where you pick your favorite coffee and they'll send as many as you want at whatever interval you like. If you're serious about your coffee, their French Roast is the only thing I drink - highly recommended. If you aren't a dark roast person, they have light and medium, in all sorts of varieties, from countries you didn't know existed, plus teas. No, I don't get anything for mentioning them (the bastards).

• Black Friday deal from a local venue: Air Supply, Dancing with the Stars Live, and Teresa Caputo (aka Hair Helmet).
• No thanks, I'm having elective dental surgery those days.

According to a study, cows might produce better milk when fitted with VR headsets. The study failed when the cows were found tuning into humanality porn.

• Here's a mind-bender. George Harrison watching the Beatles performing 'This Boy'.

President Trump is designating Mexican drug cartels terrorists.
Oh great - War on Mexico. What could possibly go wrong?

• I just saw a listing of audiobooks. Among them was Playboy.
• How does that work?
• Well, you're not getting any, so look at pictures.
• You could listen to the audiobook, because you don't deserve to look at the pictures. You know it's over when......

Speaking of books, I found a few others....

Abnormal Psychology: I don't need a book. All I have to do is look around.
You Are Worth It: No, I'm not.
Why We're Wrong About Nearly Everything: ah, finally a present for your spouse
Facing Codependency: not without you I'm not...
Handbook of Forensic Psychology: learn how the dead think and feel

• Emoji are a vital part of online communication
• How long til they discover memes? Good God.....

Today I identify as bits of string



The FDA has granted permission for a studies of psilocybin for treatment of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).  In other words, if you're seriously depressed, ask your doc for shrooms, man. The FDA's carefully considered medical decision is brought to you by the MMB (Mushroom Marketing Board).

While we're on the subject, another study found that a dose of ketamine may cut down on problematic drinking.  By making the person so stoned, they can't pick up a glass.


India's prime minister has said defecating in the open has ended in rural India.
He is competing for the $150 million contract for California.

• Very large water main break in San Francisco: governor passes law against water main breaks because it might clean the shit off sidewalks, which is racist.

Heroes of the Stupid

An Australian firefighter has been accused of arson.
Firefighting attracts arsonists like priesting attracts...well, you get the idea.


Amazon pulls Aushwitz-themed Christmas Ornaments (?)




SJW Stunts

• To fight stigma, New Zealand is opening an HIV-positive sperm bank.
• New Zealand tax dollars also used to open the first Ebola-positive pancreas bank.

Elizabeth Warren introduced a bill that would revoke Medals of Honor from US soldiers involved in the Wounded Knee Massacre on 1890. This is the kind of prompt action you can expect if you vote for her, the 1/6400th Indian African American candidate.

If you are allergic to Aspirin, Don't Take Aspirin

Dear lefty

• What goes with red wine?
• Cyanide.

I caught bits of an Amazon commercial the other day. It was about how great it is working there; mentioning tuition, other benefits, paying for learning to leave the company, and the bonus.. they're trans friendly. I could have misheard, but.... this would be the first commercial with trans specifically mentioned. Not a problem, but an observation. They are also Hepatitis C friendly, viral pneumonia friendly, and Ebola friendly (but only on weekends).

• It was pointed out that Mrs lefty has the biggest boobs in the family. It was further pointed out that she married the biggest boob in the family.

Today I identify as a railing

• a family member noted that Costco was getting expensive. You go in for milk and leave with a set of tires. Turns out you can get the whole car too. And while you're shopping, there are sea trips on big ships.
• This is why I don't go to Costco. That and the #&@ing old ladies, who slam into you, with their cart or with their car.

No thank you, I'd rather watch reruns of Match Game '73

• What do you do when you don't approve of the 2nd Amendment and wish to share your disapproval with your city?  You adopt a $0.02 tax per .22 caliber and $0.05 tax per other ammo. Then you hit the dealers with a $25 fee per handgun sold. Thank you, Tacoma. "We need to do more to aid the criminals."

PA residents: locate your senators and tell them to vote for Victoria's Law. PA is a puppy mill state and we need all the help we can get.

• Hey - how about a new 42% sales tax? The Democrat Medicare for All plan would require something like it....

Best quote in Australian police wiretap history: "I sold the rocket launchers to my mate and he sold it to those fucking dickhead terrorists. Now it's a fucking drama."




Heroes of the Heart

A plumber fixed the boiler of a 91-year-old terminally ill woman and billed her $0




Heroes of the Stupid

Woman claims Sephora mailed her cocaine.  This is a woman who is serious about her makeup.


PG&E says power lines may have started 2 northern California wildfires.
Hey - wasn't the blackout to prevent PG&E from causing fires?


Florida pastor kills himself after teen accuses him of raping her over 100 times.
If more would take the easy way out, the pope could continue ignoring the problem.


In the Fordham Law Review, Elizabeth Warren is stated to be a woman of color at Harvard.  This lady has an identification issue. First American Indian, then black. Next week it will be male, Eastern Indian,  and towel bar


Man accidentally shoots himself after throwing gun at cockroach to kill it.
Another cockroach-related shooting.




SJW Statistics

The Harvard Crimson, the university's student-run newspaper, is facing a campus backlash after requesting comment from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) for an article on a campus protest against the agency. Eleven student groups, including the Harvard College Democrats, signed a petition accusing the Harvard Crimson of showing cultural insensitivity for even contacting the government agency. On Sept. 12, students advocating for the abolition of ICE assembled for a rally organized by student group Act on a Dream in Harvard Yard. After the protest concluded, the paper reached out to an ICE spokesperson to ask for a statement in response to the protest for an upcoming story. Soon after, Act on a Dream published a petition, which currently has over 650 signatures, demanding The Crimson change its policies so that none of its reporters ever make contact with ICE again and apologize for the "harm [it] inflicted on the undocumented community."


"She committed rhetorical violence against me!"


The University of Maryland is firmly against any Halloween costumes that are deemed to be guilty of 'cultural appropriation' - they "have no place in an inclusive community."   Just think of the bargain here: you get an education, tens of thousands in bills, and the complete SJW indoctrination!

Beto's Dog: get me OUT of here!

Swimming up the Mountain

Millions of Americans' medical images and data available on the internet.
Know why? Some aren't passworded, some aren't passworded well. What did I say about Electronic Health Records (EHR)? I said they would wind up in the wrong hands. It has wound up in the wrong hands: doctors and EHR companies.

Those 'smart' tvs... are sending private data to Netflix and Faceyspaces.

Two widely used ad-blocker extensions for Chrome caught in ad fraud. This also includes other browsers based on Chrome, like Opera and Vivaldi. The extensions are lookalikes to AdBlock and uBlock. Check to see if you're using them.

Twitter inadvertently shared users data with advertisers without consent. Fine them appropriately.

Google 'really sorry' for humans listening to your conversations. Stopped program. Started it again. Feel safer now?

Among the top 10 most surveilled cities in the world, are 8 in China, plus London and Atlanta, GA. This is based on the number of CCTV cameras per 1,000 people.

Group sex app leaks locations, pics and personal details. Identifies users in White House and Supreme Court 

RIP Jon (81)

• Ya know what I'm gonna do? Nothing. As little as possible.

Sometimes when I'm bored, I use the tools provided me... I converse with my phone. It says stuff and I say stuff back to it. When I leave the house, it tells me I'm leaving and says hi to the wife. This is no fun, except when I'm leaving.  More fun is when I come home. It says, "Welcome Home. Microsoft sucks." Hey, I didn't do it - it just popped up one day.  After a year, it's still funny, especially if you're a guest who's never heard it before.

When it's very quiet and I'm working or relaxing, it says I'M FULLY CHARGED, which tends to scare the shit out of me. I told it I was only half charged today. A couple of hours later, it said CHARGE ME NOW. I agreed - I could use one.

When I got home, it said YOU'RE UGLY. I told the phone it was uglier. It was the best I could come up with, as I really didn't program that phrase into it.  It waited another hour, then said YOU CAN'T SING. Wow.. it comes up with new phrases and some of them are damn correct. You don't think it's been watching... nah. I told the phone it couldn't keep time.

YOU COULD LOSE A FEW POUNDS, CHUBBS.
You could use a faster clock speed, Molasses.
Ok, this stopped being funny right after Microsoft sucks.

WHAT YOU DO IN THE SHOWER ISN'T NATURAL.
Said the thing that sits on the sink and watches.
Ok, maybe I'm getting a rhythm here.

KNOW THAT VIDEO YOU WERE WATCHING? THAT WASN'T A GIRL.
Your screen is tiny. Other phones laugh at it.

YOU'LL NEVER COMPLETE A CALL AGAIN.
And that's different how?

Needless to say, I'm going phone shopping tonight.

• The Navy claims 3 UFO videos are real.
• ..meaning the craft are unidentified and the videos aren't faked
• ..meaning there's a craft there, but not necessarily aliens

If I was president, my first executive order would be to remove the child support system.

If you get knocked up by a deadbeat that's poor vagina management and you should be forced to live with that.  [@hotepjesus]



Dear lefty

• What is the secret to life?
• If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore, would it?
• Ok, it's diving into unfilled swimming pools.

So that Storm Area 51 thing didn't (or did) go as planned: few showed, fewer stormed. It's a shame we don't storm the IRS by all refusing to pay taxes.

Everyone knows they're at Wright Patterson (except for the 1-2 million who signed on at Faceyspaces). Fortunately no one died.

• America's mayor, Bill de Blasio, has dropped out of the race for Democratic presidential nominee. He wants to devote all his time to making New York residents as miserable as possible.

The world's first Vagina Museum will open in London, in Camden Market.
This is a gross violation of law!
Because Camden, NJ is much closer to me.

• Inmates at an Ohio prison built computers, hid them in the ceiling, and connected them to the prison network. Read the story - it's hysterical.   Medium-security = no security, apparently.

Today I identify as a distributor cap from a 1974 Datsun. A red one.



Yeah, I trip over absolutely anything. But this morning, when picking up a fork, I caught a large, heavy mug as it jumped at the floor, so I'm one up today. I no longer ask why picking up a fork has anything to do with mugs trying to commit suicide.



No thank you, I'd rather play a memory game with Joe Biden on my team





Heroes of the Stupud

Our public utilities are on the internet, some unprotected from the public. The other day someone found the controller for a lake's plumbing, not passworded.  We know this isn't the only one. There's electricity generators, grids, water, etc.  It is absolutely no surprise there are hackers and these utilities need to protect themselves from damage (including foreign damage). Considering cyber warfare...

Elizabeth Warren says the rich must pay her 'wealth tax' because they've benefitted from public schools and infrastructure.


SJW Entertainment

New York mayor De Blasio's plan is: art and cultural institutions with predominately white workers that refuse to change their ways risk losing up to 10 percent of city funding. These nonprofits now receive a total $117.2 million in taxpayer cash.     Yes, folks, hire minorities or lose.

Vice magazine: Banning flavored vapes might be good for teens. It also might be racist.

Speaking of Candidate Biden:  Male convicts that identify as female will be housed with women. "In prison the determination should be that your sexual identity is defined by what you say it is not what in fact the prison says it is."  Yep, I definitely identify as female. Now house me with the women!

Headline: 'My girl became the youngest trans toddler.. at just three years of age'
Oh yeah? I knew at birth my baby was trans.

Don't Fart in Church - it Keeps Me Awake

Here's a smartphone app to detect credit card skimmers on ATMs and gas stations.

And you told me there was no such thing as a butt plug hacker.

If you have an iDevice, you may be infected. I'm not kidding.

Do you use Chrome browser? A neato bug is causing a fix to be rushed.
This raises many questions: which browsers are also affected because they're Chrome-based? Chrome is based on the open-source Chromiun, which is probably affected. Many popular browsers are built on Chrome. Don't use Chrome - it's a goog product



BREAKING: President Trump wants to buy Greenland.
I have to question the intelligence behind this.. can't we buy a country with a decent climate?

We're at least 22 trillion in debt; why are we talking about buying a country?
I'll tell you why...


Top 10 Reasons to Buy Greenland

1. Because it's there
2. Asked how he found America, John Lennon said, "Just turn left at Greenland." Imagine how much easier it would be now.
3. How about those Kardashians?
4. Keep the military home from Afghanistan fresh - they can just take it.
5. We can change its name to Booger.
6. Send California there.
7. It's half the cost of Iceland per square foot.
8. Even the trade imbalance with Denmark. (Denmark owns Greenland)
9. Zero Population Growth - who wants to do it where the temperature never goes above 50 degrees (17 grams centigrade)?
10. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• It all comes down to cocktail or tartar sauce on seafood.

Up to 10% of Texas drivers are uninsured or underinsured.
Philly: Don't be a pussy - we're at 50% on a good day.

Pennsylvania ranked 18th on the top friendliest states.
Its neighbor, New York, ranked last. Very close was its other neighbor, New Jersey.  Imagine if they ranked cities.... Camden, Manhattan, North Philly (scene of the recent shooting).

• Every now and then I find a particularly interesting piece. The parrots want to tell us something. The ones that aren't dead parrots, of course.

This study shows handler beliefs affect scent detection dog outcomes.
Now explain that to the policeman.

• Here's a little light reading on the CIA mind control experiments. Yes, the Manchurian Candidate is non-fiction.

When you see an airplane on tv, how can you tell it's a commercial?
The people look comfortable and the refreshment trolley takes up less than half the aisle.





The British are a Riot

Insipred by the riots in Hong Kong, the British have decided to take up rioting (on a limited basis, if that's ok).

They urge caution, so most will be protesting at home. Some of the more brave Britons will protest online. The bravest promise to leave their homes, slowly, but can't agree on a suitable venue to air their grievances. The riot had to be postponed four times, because of a series of meetings to figure out what their grievances ARE.

The novice rioters are urged to start with small steps, such as grumbling in public. The more intrepid rioters are going to get Really Serious, with a series of strongly worded emails. If you are leaving your house for the riot, practice in small increments: take two steps, say, "We just cannot have that sort of thing here," then run back inside. You will be ready for full revolt in only a few years' time.

The brave rioters staying home are urged to march in step with the people actually attending the riot (both of them). The riot will be televised, but you're out of luck if you haven't paid your licence fees.

The grievance committee also has to approve signs for the rioters. Suggestions thus far run the gamut from "Oi" to "Man United or Death!" to "I am strongly against this sort of thing." The political subcommittee has also approved "Fuck Trump" signs. Although there is no specific relevance, it has become fashionable to carry them. The Boris Balloon has been rejected because the Chinese are too busy rioting to complete it on time.

The largest hurdle facing the Brits is that they have to be taught how to riot. History shows they're not very good at it, unless there's an interruption in the flow of tea or Eastenders. When advised rioting includes things like not showering, being rude, and flouting authority, the grievance committee decided on a more nuanced approach: postponing the riot indefinitely and holding more meetings.

• Police in England carry a device that lets them check if car windows are tinted too darkly.  From tinted windows to people saying bad words, you're protected.

Headline: A man suspected of planning an ISIS-style knife attack in New York is in jail today, courtesy of the FBI.

Real Story: some incompetent boob was nurtured and encouraged by the FBI, then 'caught' right before committing the act.  This happens so many times, your first instinct when you hear FBI should be 'they set up another one.'




Heroes of the Stupid

Lindsey Graham is advocating for a peace deal in Afghanistan.
Yay!
His only prerequisite is that US troops are allowed to continue fighting.
Ummm....


A South African bank says that password managers play a useful role but cautions against the use of them for your bank account.

'Hundreds of thousands' of users are still using compromised passwords - worse still, they're using those same passwords for multiple different sites.


Jed Foster (20) is in court for the murder of policeman Andrew Harper. He says he's not guilty - he wasn't even there. He did not drag the policeman under the car.  The policeman was not married for only 10 months. Foster wasn't even in the country on that date. In fact, he was on the moon on whatever date he allegedly killed someone. He couldn't have been there because he denies being born. This should be an interesting trial.


Elizabeth Warren gave a speech in front of Native Americans, where she apologized for claiming she was part Native American. She is actually African American.




SJW Situations

[Twitter @PaulLeeTicks]
As much as a monster as Ted Bundy was, just keep this in mind: Ted Bundy killed 30 people, over a span of 4 years. Whereas Donald Trump is responsible for the mass murder of 31 people - in just one weekend.

I'm a little bit country... and she's a little bit rock and roll...