Captivity - Day 74 I wouldn't stand near me if I were you

Hey, so we're about to end the Flying AIDS and we'll need something else. And we will not be disappointed: it's Hurricane season! On the bright side, you won't be confined to your house.... you'll be more likely to watch it float down the block.


My buddy's group at work got a new responsibility. People are talking about it.
The only small hitch is they don't know how to do it. She talks to her boss about training. Boss says, "yeah, that's a good idea."

I feel like my life has purpose. Occasionally you accomplish something so large, that you expect a parade. I expected one yesterday. Maybe it's just late... In another act of sheer sadism, work gave me an iDevice. I used to laugh when people told me that Apple and android are very different systems. I laughed.... until I picked up my mom's Apple. She wanted to send pictures to relatives. Since she can't take a picture, I tried. It's quite obvious that you hit the FLOWER button to attach a picture to a text. I was furious at myself for not knowing this. Meanwhile, my work phone sits there, requiring a lot of charging for a phone that's never used. I have 2 incoming work calls and 34 spam calls. And the small matter of it refusing  to ring. I got it to blink loudly and madly, but no noise. Every few weeks I pick it up and try, with no new results. I've been all over the insides of it, but no joy.  And then I discovered the switch on the side and tried it out. BINGO, it rang. Now wait a week and I'll be bitching because my work phone rings all the time. But seriously, folks, there's a difference between iDevices and androids.

1. DON'T put one phone on top of another
2. DON'T ask how I know

One of those ancient pagan-y things is someone gives you some sage and you burn it, asking for what you want.  After something like 12 cars hit Mrs lefty, we saged the car and it's been great ever since. We just ask that it remain safe. It was like something from an Exorcist movie, where the black-cloaked dude waved the joint around the haunted house, so the ghost could get high too.

With the unprecedented number of Gravity Days (everything falls to the floor, jumps at you, follows people, etc), we are going to have to sage the house. I have no idea what's haunting it, but it has a wicked sense of humor. If you've read even 2 of these installments, you know that I am the only wicked sense of humor allowed in the house. I don't even know how to explain it; it would be much funnier as a sitcom.

I thought I'd be a good (semi)human and do the dishes (yeah, ok, if you want to get technical, it's my job). The first thing is removing the dry dishes from the drying rack. I reached to put something on a shelf and the entire contents of the shelf fell on me and the floor. We're building up quite the pile of broken stuff on the floor, where we're collecting it.

There's this white thing I washed. Oh yeah, it was a pill splitter for our beloved Marshall. What's in some pill splitters? The metal razorblade that I just impaled myself upon. The plastic cups weren't happy with the drying rack, so they also vacationed in the broken pile. In a shocking turn, they didn't break. Normally this would have caused my neighbors to get the popcorn and pull out chairs, for my impressive, high-volume English lesson. No idea how, but I cut it off. Maybe to spite the neighbors.

Into the office I went, where I tripped going in. I sat down on my uber-comfortable office chair, which sent me flying to the floor because it rolls around by itself. On the way out, I knocked over 2 phones and coffee. Then I kicked something on the floor, hurting my foot and to avoid it, threw myself into a large fan. My tripping and kicking talents do not end there. With a 4' walkway, I see a box, so I stay to one side. Then I kick the box. The box that I saw. After work I turned on the tv, which gave me Russian prompts. I've tripped over shoes that aren't on my feet. All wire, including hidden. One of my laptops has developed an overheating problem. It won't overheat while I'm near it, though. It waits til I'm at least 25' away. When this happened, it almost got a free ride to Russia, with the tv. So I need a new laptop.

My typing, among the worst on the planet, has gotten worse. Mrs lefty was knocked out by the speed. I pointed out that I was fast, but at least half of what I typed was wrong. Now I'm making the same mistakes 3 times. Or hitting the R 3 times, producing 3 different letters. Today the FBI shouldn't have allowed me near it because if I typed hello, it would come out as a threat.

Something fell or leaped from the fridge (at least it was cold), then the door didn't close. I have a brand new roll of clear tape and I'm absolutely terrified to pick it up.

Yeah, time to sage the mf-r.

Weaponized Bunnies?

THIS JUST IN

Early Pleistocene enamel proteome from Dmanisi resolves Stephanorhinus phylogeny

Don't say I didn't warn you...



Mozilla is supercharging Firefox with two new features: one is DNS over HTTP, which hides your DNS requests. This makes it more difficult to track you. Coming up is their VPN. This will protect Firefox traffic only. When you connect to a site through the vpn, your IP address will not appear. However, you'll still get cookies (if you allow them) and your 'fingerprint' will be the same. Still, it's best to use this whenever you can, especially at 'free wifi' spots. A (free) Firefox account is required. Firefox will also be blocking trackers by default.

You can also use TOR - free browsers are available in your app store.

DNS and VPN services are provided by Cloudflare. There is no mention of a vpn for mobiles. Cloudflare is huge and reputable, but they can be 'asked politely' for information by governments. 


Dealerleads.com left their entire database, 413gb of data, open on the internet. The data is potential car buyers' names, email addresses, phone numbers, addresses and more. This stuff is crazed and it's not going to stop anytime soon.

WhatsApp 'delete for everyone' doesn't delete media files sent to iDevice users.

iDevice lockscreen bypass: iOS13 tricked into showing your contacts.



I'm looking at my phone, checking on the wireless networks on the block.  It finds something called Bedroom TV. This should be fun. Last time it found an open printer. It took all I had not to print a few pages out for them.

• "Tyranny is always better organized than freedom." - Charles Peguy

Dear lefty

• You sound happy today
• I got some sex last night. I'm just not sure from whom.

It's 9:15am on a Saturday. It's gray outside and it might have stopped raining. Someone is running a weeder with an 8 cylinder 454 Corvette engine outside my window. Legal question: is it wrong to smoke near its gas tank?

• California passed a bill to ban police use of facial recognition. I'm stunned.
• But only on People of Color.  that's better.

Today I identify as another white guy exercising his privilege (but not his body)

About a year ago, six Stingray devices were found around Washington, DC. These devices fake being a cell tower site, so all phones in the area connect to it, and the owner has 100% of the information flowing through it.  Not that anything important happens in DC, you know, around the White House....

The FBI did some research and discovered they belonged to Israel. The FBI is pissed, calling the Israelis Copycat and Thiefy Thiefy, for stealing their toy. 

Israel's prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu said, "No intelligence work in the US, no spies."  Yeah, ok.  The Mossad is famous for its spying and have been doing it in the US for quite a while. They just got caught.

In a previous post, I talked about foreign aid. The largest recipient is Israel, at something like $8+ billion. Do you think this bolsters my argument that we should cut off all foreign aid?  Hell, it's our money....

Large Question: How is Israel so popular and well-defended in the US? Most presidents and all Congresses kowtow. Does Israel get pictures of them from Epstein?

No thank you, I'd rather file taxes.

It's only September, but here's an early winner for Tweet of the Year:

Instead of more debates, the Democrats should settle this the obvious way: whoever can go door to door and forcefully confiscate the most AR-15s in the next 6 months gets to be the nominee.  @liberty4masses

I haven't seen the local news in quite a while, so I sat down. I was stunned.
There was a huge story about a man whose dog shredded a box, put in the wrong spot because the postal worker was afraid of the dog. They interviewed the dog owner, who spent a long time pontificating about the postal service. They spoke to the postal service, who had a statement and apologized. THIS IS NEWS.

Then it was Major Coverage of the tv star who paid tens of thousands to have her less than intellectually gifted kid pass a test. Oh my God, she's being sentenced! Then there was some anti-police grafitti on a jogging path, featuring interviews with a neighbor and the police chief.

I live in a large metro area. There is never a shortage of news. Democratic debates just happened - that might qualify as news. Not here, apparently. No wonder I stopped watching news. This is the Taylor Swift song of news: vapid, containing nothing of value, but nice. With a good beat - we can dance to it. I give it a 3, Bob.




Heroes of the Stupid

The Ontario government lost $42m selling cannabis in the last year.

from TV news: We tried to reach out to the man who died in the accident, but he was unavailable for comment.

Florida couple accused having sex in the back of a police car following arrest.

Florida man smokes meth, snorts coke, takes Xanax, passes out, wakes up and masturbates in the hospital, police say.  He's a middle school science teacher, obviously in the midst of doing some Science.

Florida: Crossdresser robs bank, steals cop car. Did it fabulously




SJW Stuffiness

Pete Buttigieg is not gay. He's a heteronormalized man who has sex with other men. There's a difference.


NY City Commissioner: replace male statues in Central Park with women.


PC couple are keeping their toddler's gender a secret so the child can decide later.      The child's religion too?

Incoming!!

Perhaps I'm wrong about the Internet of Things....
A hacker did his thing on a Nest security camera then warned the household that North Korean ICBM missiles were heading to the Los Angeles. 

You have to admit this was clever: additional points for terrifying the occupants.
Google, Nest's owner, said it was bad passwords.
Everybody else says it's the crappy 'security' built into the cameras, plus bad passwords,

Warning: never use default passwords or passwords you use elsewhere.

Next week on Internet of Things: your dishwasher tells you your daughter's pregnant.

• I pick on Apple but it's not their fault entirely... it's their customers.  A teen who sold a kidney for an iDevice is now bedridden for life. Yeah, but he's bedridden with an iDevice.

Dear lefty:

• Bobby Bollinger, of Brampton, AlaBama, asks if we're kinky here.
• Dear Ballsinger: when you were born, did the doctor spank you a little too much?

Remember the case of the unfortunate brain-dead woman in a facility who gave birth? A suspect has been arrested, strangely, a nurse working there. He was nabbed by DNA. Who expected that to happen?

We got way too many calls about housing for aging relatives. I asked if the relatives were likely to get pregnant. The calls stopped.

• An Oregon man was sentenced to prison for sexually assaulting a horse. 
• The horse visited weekly.

Genetics or Environment?

Every pet in our house has figured out how to open bi-fold doors, because you shouldn't be alone when going to the bathroom. This is four dogs and two cats. How does this happen?

The latest figured it out yesterday. She also magically appears when I'm eating. From a different floor, while napping. With me making no noise at all, including silverware, opening bags, chewing like a cow, or shrieking adult pleasure noises.

• There's an online forum for the discussion of the Internet of Things. It's called Dumpster Fire.

Next on Real Housewives of New Jersey:

• The one with the ridiculously huge lips breaks down and cries when the other one accuses her of not getting her lips done.
• The entire cast says, "We're still on tv?"
• The camera crew pisses the actors off because they don't understand the Joisey dialect.
• Gene Simmons guest stars as the rock star who's banging them all. What do you mean he already did that?
• The women jump into someone's olympic size pool and can't go under water because of their augmented flotation devices.
• Yo Angie has Yo Tina's eyebrow tattoos removed, without her knowledge.
• Crisis is averted when the crew helicopters in hair spray and gel. The helo crash-landed in the olympic size pool, but they rescued the hair products.

It was gettin a little quiet here.....

It was 5am and I was rudely awakened by something like thunder. We looked at each other and said "TREE." Looking outside (I hate outside - it only causes trouble), we verified TREE. The gargantuan shade thing had split quite nicely, landing on the sidewalk. It also got a few overhead wires. This is but one reason why 5am is no good.

It happened by a streetlight, so the damage was well-lit and nobody lost power. Sure enough, within an hour, some idiot drove right through it, breaking the wires and landing them on the street. They courteously drove away. This is but one reason why people are bad.

The power company was very concerned, letting us know they'd send someone around if a truck became available - definitely by next Tuesday.  Ever helpful, a neighbor called police, who courteously blocked the road. In spite of this, people still tried to get around him. It's a good thing we didn't block the street with a line of kids....

Police apparently multiply, as they had become a small battalion, with yellow tape. We're thinking of taking them some coffee. Crime must rampant here. The boys in blue confirmed how utterly idiotic people are. Apparently people are coming up to them, telling them how inconvenient this is and how long will it last. If they're so concerned, they should band together, move the tree, and fix the wires themselves. That should produce complete silence...

The electric d00ds were uncharacteristically nice and pleasant and got it sorted out quickly. Now we call the Tree People. That should deplete the guitar fund completely. Oh yeah, there's the smashed rear window and dented rear of the car.

The problem here is the house knows when I have a surplus and breaks accordingly.





Dear lefty:

• My neighbor really really bothers me. Is it ok to shoot her?
• Keep holy the 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Get Caught

Tonight for dinner: cooked sushi.

I Watch LivePD - I'm Almost a Cop

I'm missing out on family outings because of my loose bladder.
I typed that as it just spewed from the tv. How many times have you heard that phrase?

• due to the order in which I put things together, this was written on February 30th.

What has the dog humped today?
Glad you asked. Her original boyfriend was a large sofa pillow. When her mommy made it CLEAR that he was no good for her, she switched her affections to a huge purple stuffed elephant. This is the same stolen elephant she tore holes in the first week she arrived. Now she can't figure out whether to shred it or hump it. I think we have an abuser in the house.

Hey - aren't male dogs supposed to do the humping?




Dear lefty

• Reader Stepphan Keys, of Cross Keys Avenue, in the Florida Keys, asks why men put stuff up their butts.
• Go fuck yourself, Stepphanie.

What's in a name?
Siobhan (shuh-VAWN) is an Irish name.  You can tell because the spelling has absolutely nothing to do with the pronunciation. Yet it is also spelled Shavaun, Chavon, Chevron, Shavonne, and Rhinoplasty, all pronounced the same way.

In related news,
James is Jim.
Margaret is Peggy.
Jeffrey is Geoffrey or Jeff (where did they come up with that?)
Richard is Dick. Most people named Richard had rough childhoods.
Sometimes John is Jack, except for when he's Julie.
We can never remember which Quade is the 'funny' one - Dennis or Randy.
By any standards of language, one cannot pronounce Phoebe, yet Phoenix makes sense. Sort of.
Karen is close to Kieran, yet not close enough for anyone to care.
Ian can be pronounced E-an or I-an, depending on what hand they throw with.
Not wanting to be left out, the Irish spelling is Ioin. I know one.
All children are Jesus Christ I Said Get Over Here.
My friend Michael is known to all as Michael. We have no idea where he came up with that.
Both Leslie and lefty are Leh.
Wife says the short form of lefty is Asshole. But it has the same number of syllables.  Oh...

• I'm ok playing fetch with the dog but after a while I get tired of fetching and the toys get soggy.

There is a great tale of the late Jackie Gleason, wherein he got picked up in a limousine driven by the late Richard Nixon (late president and part time sign post), who had escaped his protection detail. He drove Gleason to a military base and showed him some... people... who weren't from the region. Or hemisphere. Or globe. It is a tale without any factual backup. As far as we know.

• The key to making life interesting is never self-censor. If you've got something to say, say it! Speak the first thing that comes to mind. Blurt out stuff randomly, for no reason. Not only will this amuse you, you won't get invited to any of those annoying parties and social events.

I always suggest using a password manager/locker to hold all your passwords. The great majority of these use The Cloud. I recommend Keepass, which doesn't use The Cloud. Why? Because the moment you can't touch your data, it's no longer yours. The Blur password manager was just discovered to have a ridiculous amount of their data open to everyone. This is precisely what I warned about. This was a configuration error, discovered in December, with no idea when it started. Since it was a configuration error, one would think the problem started as soon as it went online. Regardless of which you use, your data is elsewhere; susceptible to hackers and config errors. You might as well put your password on a sticky note on your monitor. There's s reason I wear a tin foil hat, and it's not because I like being laughed at. Ok, a little.

• After an airplane crash, an autopsy is always done on the cockpit crew, to look for alcohol or drugs, whether they survived or not.

Iphone users: if you have any of the listed games, they're communicating and sending data to Bad Places. This is odd, as Apple prides itself on vetting its apps.

Commando Metal: Classic Contra
Super Pentron Adventure: Super Hard
Classic Tank vs Super Bomber
Super Adventure of Maritron
Roy Adventure Troll Game
Trap Dungeons: Super Adventure
Bounce Classic Legend
Block Game
Classic Bomber: Super Legend
Brain It On: Stickman Physics
Bomber Game: Classic Bomberman
Classic Brick – Retro Block
The Climber Brick
Chicken Shoot Galaxy Invaders

• If you're a linux user, aliases are great things. You can take a long command and shorten it to a few letters. This applies to the command line only. 

A lawsuit was filed against the Weather Channel because their app misled its users about how it would use their personal information. 

Tin foil advice: most, if not all apps, are excuses to mine your personal information. When you install (android) apps, they frequently ask for way more permissions than needed. I have a word find app that asked for mic, location, camera, and several others. We all know these are not needed. When they are, it's purely for your data. Pay attention to what the apps request. You can also take permissions back inside android or uninstall the app. As a rule, I don't install apps that replace logging into a website, for this very reason. Faceyspaces is the worst offender by far: demanding access to things like your contacts, so it can mine them for information. If you must use Faceyspaces, use a browser - not the app. This is good advice for all apps.

• I don't know about you, but I'm going to forget all my own advice against Internet of Things devices and buy this Kohler smart toilet, which promises an immersive experience. Although I thought the idea of a toilet was to avoid an immersive experience...

Dear lefty:

• A cornucopia of cunning linguists asks why there's so much information tech and security stuff here.
• You are what you eat.

Resolving Not to Resolve

Continuing the embarrassment, Work replaced the iDevice 6 with an iDevice 7.
When they gave me the 6, I asked my boss to get me an android. He said he was ok with that, but I needed some sort of doctor's note. This time I figured I'd approach it differently: I asked the tech handing out the phones how much of a bribe he'd need to give me an android. He told me to go to the next department, where they all had androids.  HEY.....!!  I'll take a bag phone at this point.

So I got stuck with another iDevice.
It feels quite inferior next to my personal phone, both in operating system and size. Don't let anyone tell you different: women like big phones.
Work being what it is, I got a phone. Just a phone. Mind you, they went the extra distance and charged it for me. So the phone powered on, but the Ultra Triple Secret Logon is so secret, I don't have it.  We changed carriers recently, from the reliable one with great coverage to the One That Doesn't Work. Because of the change, over 2 months ago, no one knew to send out the new information. It was a total surprise.

So the bad news is I can't use my phone.
The good news is I can't use my phone.

P.S. one week later, still no Ultra Triple Secret Logon.
P.P.S. three weeks later, a minor miracle happened - it worked without intervention!
P.P.P.S. I had a guitar adapter that plugged into the headphone jack so I could play through the phone. The iDevice HAS NO HEADPHONE JACK. Just one of the many reasons I hate Apple.

• Let's talk life insurance. There are 2 kinds: the one that you pay for and the one you get when you haven't bought enough for your spouse to do away with you.

One of my favorite people I never met is the never-equaled and never will be Frank Zappa. Check this article out - it's a very good, light overview. Zappa would have been 78 on 12/28/2018. I wonder what he'd be up to....

• My friend offered his wife her favorite: a foot massage. She said no thanks, her feet hurt. He asked if her breasts hurt too.

Dear lefty

• Will you resolve to lose some of that weight?
• Will you resolve to lose some of that ugly?

The new 'networks' showing ancient tv shows leave no doubt about the kind of people still watching broadcast tv. Magnum PI is back. My wife shrieks and turns the channel because his shorts are shorter than a Kardashian. I'm sure they didn't seem odd at the time, but neither did sawing off limbs without anesthetic.

Precisely one hour after I wrote the above, I discovered there's a remake of Magnum PI coming to your tv. We are doomed. Can't they make it a cartoon and put it on 6am Saturdays?  "Hey Mom, WAKE UP - why are his shorts so small?"

• Is it a sign of affection when a dog belches in your face?

Why Stunning Ukrainian Women Are Seeking Men Abroad.

Wanna know what's wrong with your country?

Wanna know what's right?

The owner of a website that hooks Ukrainian women up with western men answers questions. The answers are alternately hilarious and frightening. The main answer deals with standard of living (and hygiene).

It might be worth a trip to the site, but do so using the Private browser tab, in case you have a wife or girlfriend.

• a Las Vegas customer ran over and killed her manicurist to avoid payment.
• This is a perfect example of Americans getting more stupid: everybody knows nails are cheaper than dents.

A fitting end to 2018

One of the kids telling Penny she'll love this treat.. it's the kind Marshall ate when he was dying.  Ahh, children....

• it turns out the dog can't say "fungal spore"

Dear lefty

• Where do you get the crap you type?
• Your mother.

Don't you hate it when your hotel room has a GSM (cell phone) listening device? A person in Wales found it behind an outlet. What he was doing behind the outlet, I have no idea - maybe planting his own

I hate to have to say this, but our first 2018 Rock Death is Roy Sawyer, better known as Mr. Eye-Patch in Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show. Their biggest hit is "When you're in love with a beautiful woman", but their most fun hit was "Cover of the Rolling Stone." He was 81, no cause of death listed.

• a fisherman in Florida (of course) found a 60lb package of cocaine. He immediately reported the 40lb package to the US Coast Guard.

The truly important news of 2019 can be summed up thusly: there is a gadget for brownies that looks like an old ice cube tray divider. It allows you to get brownies already cut, and all can be ends, if you like.

Low-Fi Nose Blowing

It has been mentioned here that in the US, car commercials concentrate on the Important Stuff: the stereo.  The iDevice commercials are out and consist of everything being right with the world, according to Prophecy, and concentrate on the great camera and many colors in which the phone is available.  Ah... advertising.

• If you watch LivePD, you'll notice rows of people sitting at computers, looking incredibly serious and busy. LivePD isn't live, and those people are surfing pr0n and watching COPS reruns. shhhhhhh........

Remember when someone made a video a McDonald's burger, proving it never grew mold or broke down? Turns out it's the same for 4 day old cheese fries. Or so they tell me.

• I finally had Turkey Day turkey, only 10 days after Turkey Day. This means my turkey came early. We took everything to my parents' place and they invited Penny too. She was excited to meet everybody. Within 5 minutes, she had pooped on the floor. Not at all embarrassing. If she weren't so friendly, I would have been denied my own turkey. The dog has never done that before. I'm so happy to see you I could defecate.
• As if that weren't enough, she's on meds for this worm and that worm. It's Vet Bills all over again. My PTSD is killing me. I'm doing all I can to stay off the nightly news.

When looking at/for android apps, you can find 12 word-find programs, with tiny differences between them. You can also find a buttload of even more completely useless or questionable apps. I happen to have a few in mind: mushroom identification, flower and plant identification, learn 31 new languages, Burger King Russia, dna testing (dare we ask how the sample is obtained?), gay chat (because gays chat differently?), Lego (because an app is way more fun than actual physical Legos? Or just advertising the next, horribly expensive version), gesture control (I have a gesture for this), coloring book (just shoot us now), 7 minute workout (sure, let your phone kill you), Nintendo emulator (why not a Pong emulator?). My favorite, Lego aside, is the coloring book. Have we really come to the level when coloring books are a thing of the past? Crayons are so 2000 - get the app!

Maybe we can come up with a few suggestions... hmmmm....

• Turn signal emulator (banned in New Jersey, might be too complex and foreign for the rest of the country)
• Sex app: virus-free! Better than getting no sex at all (hopefully)
• Signature app: why should you stoop to actually picking up a pen?
• Virtual Reality Walking App - since you don't leave the couch anyway, why not show the grandkids what it was like.
• Ice Cream App: since you're unbelievably neurotic and think that a bowl of ice cream will put 100lbs on you, or you're lactose intolerant, you can fire up a vision of eating real ice cream! It even lets you pick the flavor... no weight gain, no spending your days off in the bathroom. If you order the right flavor, you get a second scoop. The second scoop will put weight on you.
• Text app: it's been a long day of looking at cat pictures. You're bushed. Fire up the text app... it will stay online all night, texting random people and telling friends your deepest secrets. All this while you recover from your near-fatal repetitive stress injury.

• Watch out - a clever spouse might figure out their Christmas gift. The parent firm of Kay and Jared jewelers exposed the order information of all their online customers. It's ok, they fixed it (groan)
• If you live in Ames, Iowa, for some reason, and don't believe in paying parking tickets, you're in good shape: the online parking ticket payment system got breached.
• If you're a Quora user, a data breach exposed 100 million users. Quora's response was delightfully understated: "We have discovered that some user data was compromised by unauthorized access.... "
• In case anybody's counting, and even if they're not, do you see a pattern here? Breach after breach, from local to national to international. It's because no one gives a rat's ass about security. No one will until the cost of dealing with the incident trumps the cost of implementing security. In other words, the cost of failure is already built into the budget.

The British Film Institute will no longer fund movies where the villain has facial scarring, to "remove the stigma around disfigurement".  No word on eye patches, gold teeth, large noses, sitting in chairs stroking cats, fangs, short people, invisible, more than 2 eyes or breasts, unibrow, people dressed in black, or male pattern baldness.

I'll be petitioning the BFI to no longer fund any pictures with a right-handed cast. There is a pervasive stigma against the left-handed, which cannot be allowed to persevere.  Move to England - we have no stigmas left!

• Why are we not done with the "unsubscribe" spam yet?

Dear lefty

• Janice Mung, of Bird in Hand, Pennsylvania, asks why it's difficult to hold a number of birds in your hand.
• It is helpful to limit the number of birds in your hand to the amount you can comfortably handle. Swallows are non-migratory. 

If you're feeling at all unsafe, now's a great time to move to New York. First they protected you from large sodas. Next up is legislation making it a misdemeanor to send pics of your junk to an unwilling recipient. You could face a year in jail, a fine of $1,000, or both. If you wind up in jail, you'll get close-up views of your cellmate's junk. New York: The New California

In an absolute shock and surprise, the UK is way ahead of New York, with this offense being the same as showing your junk in person (and causing offence, of course).

• Say what you want about George HW Bush, but his passing got some people a day off work. He will be remembered fondly.
• I suspect the former president died several years ago and they forgot to tell him. He looked pretty bad.

Dumb De Dumb Dumb

According to the Federal Communicators Network, even if you're trying, you're probably not writing for the average American. The long and short of it is that Americans have become more stupider over the years, as measured by Science.

Nearly 52% of U.S. adults score below Level 3 proficiency (i.e., they score Level 2 and below), with almost 20% of our population at the very lowest levels of performance.

A score of 3 on this test is considered proficient.
We can't have the Proles questioning policy, can we?







Dear lefty

• Roberta Ohmebum, from King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, asks why her dog chews and rearranges her network wiring
• Because he's smarter than you.

All the Windows News That's Unfit for Mainstream Media to Mention

Windows 10 security questions prove easy for attackers to exploit.
You don't even have to read it - you get the idea.

Q. Why do Windows users always get on top?
A. Because Microsoft can only fuck up.



Mein Gott - It's Faceyspaces and It's Not Good

Internal Tensions are strangling The Facebook, for the last 600 days. 
Rather than waste any time caring about these issues, Lord Zuck has inaugurated the new Loyalty Test and its cousin, the new Loyalty Guarantee. It's a little helmet they put on employees. If they're stressed, they might not be loyal, so the Loyalty Guarantee helmet, which wipes out their personality and replaces it with a zombie-like pro-Faceyspaces worker drone. Should they decide to talk to the press, their head will ring so badly they'll wish for the peace and quiet of Afghanistan.

• In some buildings, there are more 'Black Lives Matter' posters than black people
• ex-employees have been talking out of school, further demoralizing current drones employees.
• Lord Zuck states that the entire kerfuffle is a result of biased press.

The files obtained in the UK have been released/leaked/put out to watch the world burn. Read them.  The best revelation was that The FB was fully aware of tracking you closely was creepy, so they went ahead and did it. They updated their cell phone app to require 'read call log permission.' The beauty of it is the engineers figured out how to ask for the additional permission without appearing to ask for it. The program read call logs and mined your call info to better suggest people you know on FB. Are you grokking this? They used your own phone calls to market to you. When you install the app, it requires a ridiculous amount of permissions, because it invades the phone and eats all possible data. You gave it permission. It loves address book info, and what marketer wouldn't?

I don't blame the evil scum FB - they have every right to do this, plus their users rubber stamp everything. At very least, access FB in your browser - not with an app. Even Messenger listens in.

Yul Kwon is Faceyspaces' 'privacy sherpa', but the position caused all sorts of misunderstandings. It was later clarified that privacy sherpa did not relate to user privacy - it related to FB's privacy. He was there to prevent leaks and see that no valuable (damning) information got to the press. They may be evil, but they're not stupid.

So next time FB suggests you might know Margie Wong, who you've been sleeping with when your wife goes out of town and who you exchange sexts with daily, you'll know where they got this information. Since FB knows you're married, your wife will also get Margie as a suggestion. A lot. Eventually she'll ask who this Margie Wong is who keeps showing up in her suggestions.



Ever go to a restaurant with a ridiculous wait time and get on the wait list, with your name and number? You'll be shocked to find this information is also mined. Pretty soon the way you walk when you leave the house will be subject to inspection.. the better to market to you.

If you must leave information, including when purchasing something, make one up. Same for motels with hourly rates, but you didn't hear that here.

It's January Already

I'm getting a new phone at work.
I found this out today, while completing a software update. Because everyone knows that when you update the software, it becomes moot because you're getting new hardware. I found this out from the Software People, because the employees apparently don't have a Need to Know.

The last new phone I got was an iDevice. I begged my poor boss to get me an exemption. He's gotten very good at humoring me, like my wife and parents. He said perhaps if I got a doctor's note. Since I couldn't forge get a note in time, I got stuck with the iDevice. It's a silly little phone with only one button, which inevitably does the opposite of what you're looking to do, that could be accomplished with a second button. Like... ummmm... what's that called.. oh yeah - android.  Credit where it's due: it has a nice display and the charge lasts a long time (especially as it sits there, not being used). The first time it rang, I was so shocked I couldn't figure out how to answer it.

Now I'm getting a new one. Either that or we're changing carriers or the color we bleach our nose hair. No one seems to know. No one also knows what kind of phones they will be, although most Techie-Types are hoping for androids. The people who have personal iDevices get 'that look' in their eyes, signifying they're about to go full Judge Judy on me. Knowing the way my employer works, it will be a Windows 10 phone (sound of people leaping off tall buildings).

• Speaking of phones, our darling dog is displaying all sorts of new, interesting behaviors. She now whines when her mom leaves, which is turning into screeching. No bath poofy scrubby thing is safe from shredding. This is a little strange because we didn't know we had any poofy scrubby things.
• Her first vet appointment is this week. Her first day of obedience school is next week. I can't go because obedience school is afraid of me.
• Recently Penny saw her first snow. She came in, shook herself off, and declared she wanted to go back to her foster mom, where it never snows.

Perhaps because of the weather, the inside of the house has been free of ants.

Perhaps because of the lack of ants, there has been a lack of polar bears and the rare Elephant Squid. 

Further chats with our good neighbor have been enlightening. She talks about the time she used to spend with Marshall, even when she wasn't feeding him. Apparently both have cataracts, although hers are getting fixed (and he doesn't have them anymore). They used to sit outside and keep each other company. I had no idea. She misses him too. She was shocked to meet Penny, who isn't black  like the last three. And she has a longer snout, as English cockers do. She says Penny's really nice, but not 'her Marshall.'  I don't even know what to say.

• After the Australian universities banned sarcasm, the Special SJW Squad came out, in no uncertain terms, against mince pie. They threatened to take the bones out of their noses if the world continued to sacrifice the lives of those poor minces.

Colleges, Identity Politics, Victim Culture, and Safe Spaces
If you think professors are liberal, try school administrators. Op-ed in the New York Times vs microaggressions, understanding white privilege, and the right not to hear anything that upsets you, Victim. This is some sick stuff, and it's happening on your local college campus.

• The shopping season is here! Remember these tips before you shop online: Don't.

There is something very tasty about network cables. I have no idea what it is: ask the dog. This also applies to phone charging cords.

Speaking of charging cords, newer phones are coming with USB C jacks, which won't allow you to use your old cables (USB micro). Some clever person came up with adapters that use your existing cables. Even better, they come with little attachment bouzokis so they won't get lost. Sheer brilliance (thanks to the Linux People for the idea).

While you're shopping for adapters on Amazon, remember that you can buy products from Oprah's Favorite Things. Because the horribly wealthy ex-talk show host who gave away cars obviously knows what you'll like. You have so much in common. I kid - you just reflexively buy what she recommends, like her book club. This woman is so rich, every time she farts, it comes out as money. She lights her daily breakfast birthday cake with $100 bills because she has to get rid of the small ones. Oprah had a tiny complex built in California (she called it Los Angeles). There was some controversy over the city paying her $100,000 each time the sun came out, but it was put to rest when she assured them it was ok.

• Black Friday has either come and gone or will arrive early, depending on which retailer claims when. The trend seems to favor the early, with Black Friday being moved up a week, followed by Puce Weekend, and Chartreuse Monday. Christmas decorations went up the day after Labor Day. Next year, Black Friday will see another minor bump, to the first Friday after Valentines Day.

A British gang member started shooting out of an apartment window, declaring he'd never be taken alive. The police and the UK version of SWAT - PWAG (Police With A Gun) arrived and surrounded the building. The bullhorns bellowed and negotiations broke out - "Come out or we'll ask you to come out again!" By the end of the day, negotiations stopped, while all agreed that it was getting dark and everyone should go home for the night to sleep. This continued for two weeks: the British are a patient people, who avoid bad publicity at all costs. Finally the gang member fired at the police, who became slightly miffed, which is the most dangerous state available in police, and ordered him to stop it, this minute. Eager to make a point, the gunman set the apartment on fire and died of a 'self-inflicted' gunshot. The police congratulated themselves on a peaceful operation. At no time did they mention guns, because whenever you say guns, the entire population of England runs around in mass panic, puts a bucket over its head, and says how much safer they are with no guns.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, America, city employees wet their pants with laughter, because they'd remedy the situation by dousing the apartment with gasoline and dropping high explosives from a helicopter. Ah, the good old days.

• I like to watch UK and Canada tv, to make fun of the accents, yeah? Eh?

It's fun to hang out in special interest groups on the net. I belong to a vacuum tube group full of people who are old enough to have invented tubes. I'm kidding, but they were early adopters. There is a lot to learn and no shortage of genius in the group. Having achieved age, there's a ton of other wisdom. Recently there was a discussion on how to make Bakelite, complete with several methods, cautions, and what happens over time. The current topic is heating the room in which you listen with a tube radio. Yes, it started as a joke, but the full engineering crew was out, working on this Serious Problem. They got out their calculators and punched buttons for all they were worth. Someone asked whether heating the rest of the room kept the temperature steady. Not to be outdone, someone else suggested that for the questioner's area (he looked it up), the temperature was 58 degrees, so geothermal might be the way to go. The plan involved digging down 12 feet, running copper tubing, filling it back up, and running water through it to both heat and cool the room. The only small consideration was the hole had to be larger and deeper than a swimming pool. This was simply out of my depth (Pun Alert), as is most tube information.

• Bulletin for anybody going to Ireland: leave your countersink drill bits at home or they'll be confiscated. Makes perfect sense: you could get on the plane and put it in the drill you're also not allowed to carry. Remember: if you can bring countersink drill bits on planes, the terrorists win.
• Also prohibited: clear tape dispensers with plastic cutters, personal lubricant, artificial body parts (leave them at home), round food, and Sinead O'Connor.
• "Ireland: Even Sillier Than the US"

Speaking of Ireland, a civil war is brewing, after the Irish government passed legislation mandating pronouncing 'th'. For example, 'three' must be pronounced 'three,' not 'tree.' Violence was immediate. The IRA changed its name to the IRS. The US State Department strongly discourages travel to tis area at tis toyme.

(Tis is why I don't have more readers)

• A judge has asked Amazon to hand over home recordings of their Alexa device in a double murder case. 

The court finds there is probable cause to believe the server(s) and/or records maintained for or by Amazon.com contain recordings made by the Echo smart speaker... 

• In a previous case, Alexa recordings were handed over. They were not conclusive of a murder.
• The article is remarkable for what it doesn't say: what Alexa records. It is only supposed to respond to “Alexa,” “Computer” or “Echo”.
• It is absolutely shocking that a listening device installed in your home listens.

Somewhat of a really long time ago (high school?), I fell in with a good crowd, to the surprise of my parents. I met my best friend, who is with me to this day. He was a songwriter and I came onboard (because all the applications for Rock Star<tm> had been filled out). We practiced at his house, where I met his family. His house was a great place because of the people who lived there, most specifically Mom. We spent a lot of time there, because we needed the practice. Mom became a second mom to me; a truly delightful person. Through the years it's always been great seeing her. 

I just received word she was hospitalized and passed today.

Peace, 2nd mom. 

And thanks for all the cookies.

You Suffer for My Art

If you have an iDevice, you can install Whiplr, which describes itself as "Messenger with kinks," or messenger for people with less than mainstream sexual practices. They ask for your password in unencrypted email. Oops. Just to make their users feel better, Whiplr stores all this information in plain text, for any hacker or employee who cares to have a peek. So unless you want those pictures of you in the rubber outfit with the gas mask and the miniature horse to become public, you should delete your account and messenge somewhere else.

• I have no idea how this was determined, but 1 in 5 employees share their email passwords with coworkers. Don't do this. Ever. Ask your IT department for another way to do whatever you're trying to do.

The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine have honored me by agreeing with my point that the US needs to go back to paper ballots. It took long enough, but we're finally in agreement.

• My good friends at Microsoft has decided they will offer support for Windows 7 for another three years, to help slow-moving corporations downgrade to Windows 10. And it's going to cost. For some unknown reason, my IP address has been blacklisted.

I just saw a show that introduced Randy Cramer, who claims he was recruited for a US Secret Space Program. If nothing else, this is interesting short science fiction, especially the depiction of our presence on Mars. I make no claims other than it's fun reading.

• Smart Outlets, no, really. One specific brand has a fault that will allow hackers to assume control of it and sneak into your network. Smart is Dumb.
• Artificial Intelligence will officially be here when your smart stove communicates with your smart microwave and both go on strike for higher voltage.

The times, they are a-changing. We live in the future! 

Someone just invented a Bluetooth salt shaker (although no one knows why). It 'enhances' your dining experience. Sorry, I just eat.. I don't have experiences. What could a Bluetooth salt shaker (the Smalt) do?  Play music from your phone, a color changing ring of lights, and.... get ready... it contains actual salt! Yes, we live in the future. If only the people who marveled at the tv wristwatch were alive to see this.

• The Planet of California, rapidly taking over for France in the World Derision Sweepstakes, has introduced the first legislation on connected devices. Although weak, it is the first of its kind in the US. It mandates information security and eliminates default passwords.
• Congress has proposed two bills on IoT devices, both designed to put together studies on devices. Yes, we're going to make everything safe for you, by putting together a select panel of people, who have absolutely no clue about the internet or IoT, to study the matter. Rapid Response, courtesy of your elected representatives (of the War State).

The European Court of Human Rights ruled that bulk interception of communications data and the obtaining of data from comms service providers violated Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights: the right to respect for private and family life/communications.

This is wonderful support for rights.
Meanwhile, the GCHQ and NSA are laughing so hard, there are tears in their eyes. I received confirmed information that at least two of them peed in their pants. Please do not repeat this.

• It's not often I find myself on Apple's side, but they have been harshly criticized for designing iPhones too big for women's hands. Campaigners were 'furious' over Apple discontinuing the SE; the smallest phone. 
• The average woman's hand is an inch narrower than an average man's hand. The campaigners have a lawsuit pending against God, claiming sexism, but as of this point, they have been unable to locate the defendant to serve the summons.
• The campaigners are fighting a war on several fronts, also with Women of Size, who are ok with the new phones; and Women of Sense, who think women are absolutely equal in every way and oppose special accommodations.

6G, the phone protocol so new, people don't even speak its name, will provide terabits per second speeds. Meanwhile, we wait for 5G, which promises faster speeds, but runs at the same shitty 4G and 3G speeds, depending upon which foot you're standing on with the most pressure.

• You know me - equality. So there's this washing machine detergent commercial featuring the dad talking about how dirty his daughter's princess dress gets and how he washes it. I don't really care that stay at home dads are represented.. I just can't help but think of all sorts of names for this guy, none of which you can say on tv.

Not An Original Thought Left in Hollywood, Part 453

There is a remake of Overboard, the Goldie Hawn-Kurt Russell movie, where she develops amnesia and he hoodwinks her into being a mom and wife. The world was crying out for a remake and Hollywood delivered! The new movie, cleverly called Overboard, features a man with amnesia this time (see - they're original) and blonde Anna Faris as the hoodwinker. Can't we stop this before we're up to third generation remakes?

Men are demanding parity, seeking a remake of The Sound of Music, with a man in the role of Julie Andrews.

Grocery Shopping

I used to joke about things being personal, like rain. Most of it stopped, but it looks like the grocery store never got the memo. Last week, nothing I put on the list was available or reachable: bagels, fresh cookies, Bit O'Plague, bullets...

Wife just returned from the store. Did you know you can't purchase yogurt with fat? Everything's low fat, low sugar, low taste, low actual yogurt. My fresh chocolate chip cookies were the only container left, buried under 400 pumpkin spice containers. Later this week, CostCo is having a sale on pumpkin spice tires.  They stopped carrying my coffee creamer entirely. WTF is salted caramel? Whose brilliant idea was it to salt caramel? Isn't salt bad for you? Let's add anthrax to chocolate, shall we? Do they not understand how sacred our coffee is? Maybe blueberry cream is delicious - I don't care and I'm not letting it get within 3 miles of my coffee cup.

Harvey Irma Jose

Feeling under the weather, I decided rest was indicated. Anyone with all but the most acute powers of observation will not be able to tell the difference between Rest Mode and Non-Rest Mode. My neighbor felt sorry for me and decided to begin a large, noisy, external home improvement project. The banging was quite accomplished, but the loud machinery really drove the point home. Somehow they even managed to produce a loud noise that sounded like they were hammering chains into my walls, for what seemed like weeks, but in reality was just every hour I was awake.

Next day was much better. They waited til I was awake to start (7am). At certain points I felt my house literally shake, as if they were performing surgery on my house instead of next door. One day I'm likely to look out the window and find out what they're doing.  I have cataloged many separate and delightful noises emanating from this project: the Mowing Noise, the Pick on Concrete Noise, the Sledge into Bricks Noise, the Entire House Shaking Noise, and the Repeated BOOM Noise, which only surfaced when I used the phone.

Just for fun, there's a lot of noise coming from the other next door.  Both of my neighbors are elderly: the one who Marshall trained to feed him treats, and the one Satan crosses the street to avoid.

• Once again, a hurricane brought out the best and worst of humanity. Irma hit Florida with a vengeance and long before it hit, the volunteers were out, manning the help lines and trying to get help from more volunteers in the field.
• While the flood of volunteers manned the lines, an army of trolls did their best to interrupt communications. I have never heard anything like this before- with every request for help was one of these young miscreants, yelling obscenities and racist comments. This was completely unlike Hurricane Harvey communications. Maybe the Troll Alarm was sounded, and all the poisonous examples of subhumanity left their caves.
• All through the communications, there were less toxic examples of humanity, who wanted information on the weather, gas, and store openings in their personal neighborhood. These people were genetically incapable of using a search engine to check the information for themselves.
• Comcast and another local provider opened up their wifi hotspots and brought in mobile hot spots, allowing everyone unlimited access.
• People were posing as the electric company and robbing houses.
• While the storm was in its early stages, the looting started. One must note the can-do American spirit of the looters, who got out there, without consideration for life and limb, in the wind and rain, to steal things from other people. To feed their hungry families by stealing sneakers. To protect large screen tv's by taking them home.

Wife comes down the steps, says, "You're going to think I'm crazy" and disappears into the bathroom.  Ok, I'll play...

• Billions of Bluetooth-enabled devices are vulnerable to attacks across all operating systems. Google and Microsoft have released patches. I got a linux patch already. iOS before 10 is affected. Samsung smart watches, Smart TVs, and refrigerators also... This is Serious Stuff<tm>, people. Best practice is to keep Bluetooth turned off except when you must have it. Antivirus systems are unlikely to catch it. The beauty of this is that it shows us how unprotected we are and how manufacturers are unprepared to patch all their devices. The only positive here is that Bluetooth has a limited range, so it's more difficult to exploit.  Bother your vendors for a patch now.

Over in Afghanistan, three people died as a result of a suicide bomb blast in a cricket stadium. I told you sports are dangerous.

• The entitled are out again, this time demanding statues of people they don't like be taken down. And localities are acquiescing.
• My Demands:
• Being left-handed, I demand all statues of right-handed people be taken down. And that we get proper desk chairs in schools.
• I am also entitled to have statues taken down because I never got a statue taken down and others have.
• I want the Rocky Statue taken down because it's stupid and it's Philly's idea of culture.

Whither Kaprinsky: Kaspersky Antivirus (Kaprinsky or Kasper Sky, according to the Great Minds at my former employer) is up against the wall these days. The government has been ordered to replace it within ninety days because of alleged connections between Kaspersky and the FSB (formerly KGB). While no definitive connection has been established, the fear is that the FSB can request/compel them to provide data on systems 'protected' by it. Kaspersky has been given the opportunity to address the issues.

My natural inclination is to hold the phone until a connection is proven, but in the interests of safety, maybe this is a wise decision. Antivirus has privileged access to your files and operating system, so it would be a good way to obtain (or leave) data or programs. On the other hand, hackers are no doubt already in government (and other) systems. Having worked with quite a number of antivirii on a corporate level, I can safely say the all suck, in terms of deployment and operation. Best Buy will not be carrying it either.

• The new iDevice includes facial recognition, although I'm told it didn't work during the Big Announcement. While The Authorities may have trouble guessing your PIN, holding the phone up to your face is certainly convenient. Rest assured the law will be convoluted to make this work. It requires eyes to be open, so it will be more difficult to use on a dead body (make with that what you will). There is also a panic disable, which requires pressing a switch five times, that will disallow facial recognition unlock. There are other legal complexities around being compelled to give your fingerprint but not your PIN.
• This latest exercise in Apple Excess can be yours for the low low price of $1,000. Start lining up around the block, drooling, wide-eyed, wallet extended, to get yours now! We used to think $150 sneakers were ridiculously expensive.
• One of the latest flagship android phones is expected to hit $1,000 also, bringing up some questions... What the hell do you get for a grand that you didn't get for half that price (or less) on your current phone? 
• You'll certainly get a better camera, but I have not a qualm about my two year old phone's camera - the pictures are wonderful. One device has two cameras with different focuses.
• A faster processor: this would certainly be an incentive, although mine is pretty snappy.
• Better battery life: I hope. This is a huge one for most of us. Removable is a good feature too, so you can keep one charged as a spare. It's a shame you have to.
• Bigger and/or Prettier screen: some people aren't happy with the size of their screen (or much else)... larger or smaller. New layouts, for people who don't use their own launchers (Nova Launcher recommended-free).
• Facial recognition: if I didn't use eyeball tracking, imagine my thrill with facial recognition. Hint: it's probably in use on your driver's license.
• Sleek new case: please.
• Is it worth that price tag for the Latest and Greatest? I say no. In fact, if you wait a few months, there will be bigger and better, or you can purchase a gently used version at a considerable discount.

The most recent episode of South Park set off Google Home and Alexa devices. Go Matt and Trey!




As usual, I was minding my own business online, when things ground to a total halt. No amount of rebooting and troubleshooting turned up a cause. My cable modem indicated everything was fine. In situations like this, I love nothing more than interacting with Comcast (or most anyone else).

The automated service told me that my issue had nothing to do with any outages and actually sent me to a human, after a commercial for the NFL. Let's forget for a moment that I can't stand sports and concentrate on the obvious importance of an NFL commercial that you cannot bypass, while waiting to repair your internet service. The attempt to reset my modem had failed, then tried again and succeded. This was not particularly effective, as the modem did not indicate it was doing anything other than failing to go online, but they told me to wait ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, with no progress at all, I called again. This time the automated voice told me there was an outage in my area and expected restore time was four hours. So messing around with the modem earlier was a total waste of time.

Do you know the sheer hell visited upon you by being without internet for four hours? I'd rather go to the dentist than be sans internet for four hours. Fortunately my cell phone had lots of data, so I could tether my computer to it. Unfortunately, no matter what I tried, I could not get the computer hooked up to the phone. Connecting with a cable failed miserably, as did every single option I tried inside the phone. There is an actual button for wifi hotspot, that failed immediately, as did everything else.

Ever try using all your apps from a huge display on a cell phone? It worked, but not in a particularly useful way. Good thing I had many other things to do (that had absolutely nothing to do with porn).

Upon calling Comcast again, I was shocked beyond belief to speak to an Indian service representative (no I wasn't), but at least this lady spoke really good English and wasn't reading off a script. After re-rebooting the modem, it clearly showed there was an error. Mrs Service helpfully suggested that someone return the modem to Comcast and get a new one.

Because I'm that kind of guy, I had an upgraded modem, which seemed to surprise my rep, as she kept trying to get me to bring the defective modem back. After a bit of reiterating, I finally got her to accept my solution. I had to give her the new modem's MAC address.

At about this point, I discovered that I had a modem but not a manual, power supply, and whatever else came with the device. Mind you, I had the box it came in. This modem has been sitting around for a few weeks, migrating from this spot to the other, but always together. Not now, of course. Stuff just happens in my house. This was followed immediately by screaming. Unfortunately, screaming had to be modified, as I was doing it right into the phone.

One thing I note as I get older is that I cannot read small print. I used to be able to read things written on a grain of rice. Now I need Serious Magnification to read six point type. It's even more difficult after 12am, with very little light in the house.

Having solved the MAC issue, the rep told me to plug the device in, then started asking me questions about my router. Lady, if I had router issues, that would be my problem, not yours. If you get my modem set up and get signal to it, I'll handle any issues post-modem.

Apparently simply hooking a modem up and repeating a MAC address four times is not sufficient to restore internet service. There are things called hooks, put in somewhere to allow the original modem to work, and these need to be removed. Hooks.... somewhere at Comcast, there are a number of fish hanging on a line, each with a hook. They had to remove the fish and the hook so they could hang different kinds of fish, corresponding with my new modem. This is all because the old modem was brown and the new modem white.

Twenty minutes later, the helpful service rep sent what's technically known as The Magic Bullet to my modem, making the lights go all blinky and restoring service. Halleleujah! Only five hours to a solution.

All I Want for Christmas is Headache Relief

Mariah Carey is turning her song "All I Want for Christmas is You" into an animated movie with herself narrating. Because the world is crying out for it.  I know this because the local Fox morning show brought in yet another Yak Show Special Guest to tell us all about it.

Speaking of Hard Hitting News, Fox just aired their third segment on Flashy Nails with Sparkly Bits. This segment features a teaser, followed by two experts from a local nail salon applying these scandalous fake nails to the reporter's short and mangled nails. This is a breaking story that no doubt will involve international Special Reports every thirty minutes, with other networks gearing up their own coverage. When the story is beaten to death, which some will argue has already transpired, Mariah Carey will reportedly do a movie about it, with herself narrating.

• are you ready for the latest Big Controversy? A white man has been accused of Cultural Appropriation for painting a picture of a black man. I never studied sociology but this means something (aside from reaching Peak Stupidity).

A great feature of cell phones is the ability to install software and change things. For example, the standard Android keyboard and I do not get along. I installed a different one (after wading through hundreds of them, primarily concerned with emojis), with which I got on a little better. Here is where I start to blaspheme: I have a really good relationship with the keyboard on my work iDevice. While the thunder dies away, I have no idea why this is. It has tiny little keys, while I keep going larger with the Android keyboards.

Just for fun, I searched for an iDevice keyboard for Android. I installed the most popular one, which immediately started phoning home to China (I use No-Root Firewall, which tells me these things). This is what will happen to you if you install crappy software. Clue#1: subtle to hilarious English mistakes in the description. Check the privacy policy and whatever else is listed at the bottom of the software description. Also check reviews, making sure to look for English mistakes or obvious shills. Stick with popular software companies.

• In news guaranteed to amuse, The Turkish Hacking Family group claims to have access to over 300 million iCloud accounts and is threatening to remotely wipe this data unless Apple pays a ransom ($75,000 in crypto currency or $200,000 in iTunes gift cards). The deadline is April 7. Whether or not this threat is real, Apple is advising everyone to change their iCloud password and enable two-step authentication. This may or may not be the same group that is involved in The Fappening 2.0, exposing pictures of celebrities.

A Utah man was killed and his wife injured in the London Islamist terror attack. This won't go over well with the Brits but maybe it's time to arm... the police and other authorities aren't providing much cover here and ultimately it's up to a person to defend himself and his family. Something to think about..

I owe a heartfelt apology to the Swiss, who I accused of the London attack. Turns out it was a Muslim.

• I am a big fan of Android Forums. Lots of information and assistance for any android device. They just got hacked and a very small percentage of accounts lost a few bits of information - one report said it was forty. Guess who's one of the forty? Yup.

On the Stupid News File, after the obnoxious outside host kissed a camel, they ran a promo for a wedding dress show. One look at the lady in the dress said man. Yup, she's a transexual. Marrying another transexual. Hey, do what makes you happy, but the math here is staggering.  He has a full beard, meanwhile I can't grow hair on the top of my head.

• Just the other day, the Senate voted 50(R) to 48(D) to allow ISPs to sell your personal data. This is the headline but it's caught up in a different topic, namely letting regulations apply to all entities equally. Regardless, it's just your privacy. Early word is that the best way to prevent this is to use a VPN. Here's some info on how your information is collected.

If you're traveling from certain Muslim countries to the US/UK, you'll need to stow your laptop. In Serious Anti-Terrorism News, the US/UK have decided that you cannot use or carry your laptop to the US from certain countries. Authorities claim that this measure is not based on any intelligence. Well, it sure seems like a stupid measure to implement otherwise. And let's face it - it's going to be a problem regardless of where it goes boom. Security Theater.

• Two weeks after Failed Snowmageddon 2017, nobody has piled additional snow on my car. For this I am grateful. No local authorities have been involved but we have called in Cthulu to make a small statement to the (allegedly) adult miscreant neighbors.

Someone discovered a dishwasher with a web server. A web server. When it breaks or gets hacked (which it will), you have to get web server updates from a dishwasher company. What could possibly go wrong?  To be fair, this is an industrial machine for hospitals, which are fast becoming a rich target for hackers. This will not end well.

Antivirus company F-Secure released this list of most-used login/password combinations used to hack their honeypot (decoy for the purposes of collecting information) machines. Please don't use these.

• Good article on hack-proofing your smart phone. If you're lazy, you won't like this.

I'm in the middle of intensive training for this event!

The Unsatisfactory Crunch of Ladyfingers

A warm hello to my readers outside of the US. I hope you enjoy it here and stop by frequently.


Submitted for the sake of awareness and amusement, because none of us use iDevices: there is yet another lockscreen bypass. Long story short, don't use Siri. If that isn't an option, don't allow Siri access to the lockscreen. I've seen Siri's movies: trust me - you're not missing anything.

• Before we do our Happy Dance, this is satire.

Microsoft just joined the Linux Foundation. As a platinum member.  Which costs $500,000 yearly for dues (the price of one small cabin in the woods in Redmond).

I read about this yesterday and it has taken me this long to type it out. It may take me a longer time to fully digest it. MS already uses Ubuntu for its cloud-based big-data services. Former chief Steve Ballmer once said, "Linux is a cancer." Current ThermionicEmissions chief leftystrat says, "Windows is not an operating system, Windows is a virus." MS claims this will allow it to work closer with the open source community.

In other news, Lions have joined the Gazelle Foundation.

• President-elect Trump has asked his appointees to sign a pledge that once they leave government service, they will not lobby for five years. You don't have to like him, but this is a pretty good move. I suspect we'll see a few more. DISCLAIMER: As we know, I didn't vote for him.
• Speaking of president, there are quiet a number of people heavily invested in our election and its result. Yesterday I heard a Canadian stating that he was backing Trump all the way. I know a Brit and a Welshman singing his praises, as if they lived in the US. They were enthralled with his manner of governing and policies and said so. Most are anti-Social Justice Warrior, which might explain things.
• Here is a list of other people being considered for Cabinet positions:
• Janet Reno
• James Clapper
• Billy Mays
• Several parrots named Eric
• Pat Paulsen
• Milton Berle
• Paula Deen
• Tito Jackson
• Tracy Lords

Speaking of Wales, Cardiff Airport is getting a third bus stop! This is some interesting Welsh satire. I hope. You have to be careful with a language that has no vowels.

• Today's Word: gynocentrism
• Along with this Word is the story of a transgender woman, transitioned to a white man, who now is no longer diverse enough to be a college diversity officer. Never mind why colleges need a diversity officer.

For those of you who know someone who uses Faceyspaces Messenger, don't open "Photo_9166.svg" - it's ransomware. With that in mind, make sure you have a backup of all your data, phone(s) and computer(s), in case of something like this. Also DON'T CLICK ON ANYTHING. If in doubt, use the Law of WWlD - What Would leftystrat Do: nothing. Consider everything a potential problem until you can verify it, even from a friend. Put on your Security Hat and don't get caught with your data down.

• Betcha didn't know this: Women raping men are "merely expressing retaliation against men for enforcing rape culture"

I have had no end of fun at Kanye's expense. Now that he has had an involuntary commitment and psych evaluation, I hope he's ok. I hope he's ok for BigAss and the kids and himself. And so I can have some more fun at his expense.

• A Malawi man has been sentenced to two years hard labour for having unprotected sex while HIV-positive. This is even worse than two years hard labor.

A UK author is helping schoolchildren re-imagine (rewrite) Cinderella for a new generation, because it's sexist.  Let's see - Cinderella vs The Patriarchy. Her evil stepbrothers are keeping her down, so with the help of a group of online Social Justice Warriors, she busts out to run for Congress, which is a birthright of all women.  Her evil stepbrothers are forced to attend Any Old University, where they will be indoctrinated to the ways of Feminism and learn to hate all men, especially themselves. Cinderella meets a man but declines to propose marriage because she'd have white children and doesn't want to do that to the world. So she, with the help and sisterhood of Wonderful Stepsisters, runs for president, where anyone who doesn't vote for her is sexist.

Guess which part of the above has not come from real life...

• Wondering what to get someone else's kids for the holidays? You may want to avoid anything from Samsung (unless you really really hate kids). I suggest something that makes a LOT of noise. A xylophone, a set of drums, a plastic box that makes all sorts of random noises. Remember: the kids will love it and the parents will hate you forever. Win/win.

The use of chlorine weapons is suspected in Aleppo, making this year's Nobel Peace Prize a 3-way tie between Obama, Trump, and Bashar al-Assad.

• How to survive Thanksgiving:
• don't go
• get drunk well in advance
• everybody eats first, so they'll all be too tired to fight. Except Aunt Irma, who can fight in her sleep.
• Random Sporting Event and beer