as featured on nuts.com
Your love is like intestinal parasites
They're watching a show on how things are made, called How It's Made.
HIM: that's an interesting weld
HER: is he wearing corduroys?
HIM: Wow, that's a lot of work
HER: is that a girl or a boy?
HOST: There are 2 huge logs there. A coffin must go between them because it's the most logical thing. Well sure, whenever I see logs I think coffin. This used to get me in all sorts of trouble in the Boy Scouts.
Words To Go Away in 2021
Easy peasy, EPic, EV-er, game changer, covid, cauliflower
Today I identtify as road salt
Something's up. Sometimes you gotta be pretty observant to catch things and this time I'm on it. I'm usually pretty oblivious, but I smell something.... there are Christmas decorations in view and it's not even Christmas yet. Santas and snowmen. Why would decorations appear when normal people put them up? I'm particularly fond of the decapitated Santa and if asked to fix it, I'll claim I can't. Yeah, something's up. Next thing you know there will be a tree....
Flying AIDS News
REVEALED: Every single US state is being advised to consider ethnic minorities as critical groups for
vaccination with HALF prioritizing black and Hispanic residents over white.
The
military leader of Operation Warp Speed, Gen. Gustave Perna, said
Saturday that he takes sole responsibility for last week’s confusion
over the allotment of the Pfizer-BioNTech Covid-19 vaccine to states... the military leader?
Muslims are concerned over the halal status of the vaccine. Ok, don't get it.
A record 621 people died of drug overdoses in San Francisco so far this
year, a staggering number that far outpaces the 173 deaths from
COVID-19 the city has seen thus far. If Narcan cured the Flying AIDS, we'd be in great shape!
Chaotic scenes as Londoners try to escape the city before midnight lockdown. Police deployed to prevent non-essential journeys.
Restriction of movement... enforced by police. If it's in London, it's on its way to the US.
Watch out... the republicans and democrats have agreed on something.... this is never good. Whenever they agree, it's going to cost you dearly. This time it's a $900 billion stimulus. Your children and grandchildren will pay for this, with no one to bail them out.
President-elect Biden was given the vaccine today. They told him it was a Special Presidential Shot and gave him a lollipop.
My mom's health aide just got diagnosed with the Flying AIDS.
Mom's doctor hasn't seen fit to order a test. I suspect he printed his own diploma.
We're not sure if there will be another aide.
And I was there today.
Having trouble with last minute shopping? Too many people in your way? Can't get at the deals? Do I have the answer for you: COUGH. Sneeze. Blow your nose. I guarantee you a personal space radius of 55'. You'll get right to the front of the checkout line and the stampede in the other direction will be good for a few laughs too.
The $900 billion package will send $600 to each adult in the household and $600 for each dependent, all earning below $75,000, and $150,000 for married couples. It will cost $166 billion. Workers would be eligible for $300 per week federal unemployment subsidy. Also rental assistance, child care providers, and Head Start program. The largest percentage. $325 billion, goes to small businesses. Don't forget broadband and banks that serve low-income and minority communities, because cable and banks contributed to Congress' campaigns. $15 billion to airline salaries and benefits. You elected these people.
The snow is slowly going away, no thanks to the clouds, which do their best daily to hide the sun. The miserable drizzle does something to help, but by the time it hits the snow/ice, it freezes because of the cold. If nothing else, it creates fun, watching people slide and fall on their asses. Ass injuries are up %54, according to a statistic I just made up, and vie for emergency room space formerly taken up by the Flying AIDS. So please take care of your ass, and hospitals can treat the Flying AIDS.
Dear lefty
- Why do you do this week after week, year after year?
- because my wife tells me I'm funny... but she has to, or I'll start to chew the furniture and hump the neighbors garden gnomes...
The Russia hack has been declared an 'act of war.'
The NSA and CIA are putting together a retaliation strategy that includes
- bricking Putin's Bluetooth toothbrush
- with the help of Bill Gates, changing their Windows 10 to Chinese language
- sending over the Flying AIDS vaccine
- declaring Biden the winner of the last election- we'll tell him it's a free vacation
- sending planes full of Internet of Things devices
- sending Ron Jeremy
I get nothing.
I am not a member of any loud minority group. Even if I identified as black, my shiny white visage would put a stop to that immediately. I am so pale, there are many parts of my body that have never seen the sun.
I don't get preference, I don't get Free Stuff<tm>, I don't get to peacefully protest by burning down my own neighborhood (or anyone else's), I don't get to make demands of cities or countries. I don't get tests made more stupid because I can't pass them. I can't produce guilt in the majority to get what I want. I've never even blocked off a street to make my demands known.
Perhaps in a few years, CIS hetero white males will become a minority, then I can make demands and get hired for the lack of color in my skin. Maybe my graffiti will become city-sanctioned. Songs will be written about the plight of the crackers. College students will strike (like that's hard to instigate).
My ancestors came from Europe (I think), but that's not an accepted oppressed group. I'm sure at some point, at some time, someone oppressed and slaughtered them.
I've been working really hard on the left handed thing, but can't get a drop of sympathy from the masses. At 10% of humanity, this means 90% of the world is against us - that should be enough to garner some notice. Nope. PARITY brothers and sisters!
I could bat for the other team, but that would put quite a crimp in my sex life. You see, I don't like men that way and I've got quite a thing for women (get it?).
Wait...it's starting to come to me..... Black Latinx Trans Lesbians for Allah! We can meet in a synagogue, then burn it down in protest of our oppression. This is why I make the Big Bucks (and put out this award-winning blog)!
- Very funny, Dear. She thought if she put a Fender logo on the vacuum, I'd use it more.
SJW Strokes
The $54k per year posh
Dalton school (K-12) has developed an anti-racist manifesto, including hiring of 12 full time diversity officers and psychologists to support students "coping with race-based traumatic stress" and abolishing high-level academic courses by 2023 if the performance of black students is not on par with non-blacks.
Readers:
It's almost Christmas. If you can, do something for people in your area who have been hit hard by the Flying AIDS. Donate to a fund or a church that's handing out aid. Help hand out aid. Help your friends on the block. Didn't Bill and Ted say "Be excellent to each other"?
