Lemon Coffee?

 Your love is like  a groin pull

Today's Olympic News: somebody is disputing something

Mrs. lefty sometimes goes into the local convenience store. The wife, a very sweet Indian lady, stops to talk with Mrs. lefty and they compare jewelry. Her husband likes to chat too. Yesterday he asked if she wanted her cigarette packs soft or HARD. I suppose he sees himself as swave and de-boner. I foresee a drop in visits to that store.

Today I identify as  certainly not Judy Garland, I'll tell you that.

Everybody misses Alan Rickman. He was great in movies, but I really loved his voice.

I always wanted to hear him sing I Feel Pretty 

I feel pretty.

Oh so pretty.

I feel pretty.

And witty.

And gay.

C'mon, you hear it too....

Limbo

So the only limbo left is Collision Limbo.

The smashed up almost new car was to be ready on time, last week.

It is now ready on time, this week.

I think they ordered the wrong body, which had to be put together in Korea, in spite of the fact the car is actually made in the US. This is the extent to which this particular collision center goes for their customers. Or at least for me. Because I'm special. Or at least that's what my mom always told me.

ME: You told me Thursday 

COLLISION: I didn't say which Thursday

• My work pc is annoyingly slow. I tracked it back to McAfee.
• Do you think it's because he's dead?

My mom makes this Chocolate Cake of Death. The cake is deep, rich, and heavy.

The icing is even heavier. It has some coffee in it.

At any family event, the cake is requested.

Mrs. lefty has spent over 20 years trying to get the recipe. Mom keeps saying she'll give her the recipe.

Now Mom has dementia and we can't get the recipe out of her.

How is this right? 

• Did Plato and Aristotle have last names?
• if my name were Plato Schwartz, I'd call myself Plato too 

Google was sued over the Google+ data leak

The case website with full details is at googleplusdatalitigation.com. The case was settled in June 2020, with Google agreeing to pay out $7.5 million. After losing about half of that money to legal and administrative fees, and with 1,720,029 people filling out the right forms by the October 2020 deadline, the payout for each person is a whopping $2.15.

Half of $7.5 million in legal fees. Half.

Fish with 'human' teeth caught in North Carolina

his health insurance doesn't cover dental 

Infrastructure Bill Could Enable Government to Track Drivers’ Travel Data

So they can charge a per-mile TAX.

I didn't vote for him.

• Have you died lately? I know I haven't. Check out this BBC documentary about near-death experiences. Lots of interesting stuff on this site.

Just when you think Big Brother has finally put another tetanus-covered nail in your coffin, Uber comes along and asked employees to allow cameras in their homes and bedrooms.

Now I'm surprisingly in favor of cameras in the bedroom (but only if I have control of them).

My employer? I'm not enough of an exhibitionist to make this work.

You'd think Uber would only be concerned about having a camera in the car.

Aside from updating your resume, what would you do?

• move the camera to the bathroom, focus entirely on the bowl, display your success each time
• frequently dance around the bedroom, sometimes as a family, singing Hava Nagila, and other Swedish folk songs
• set up your computer to send racy novels through the keylogger
• make bored sex noises before bed
• point the camera at someone else, who is actually working. There will be entire websites you can pay to capture someone working. It will become more popular than those naked cam sites!
• point the camera at Chaturbate or Grindr

My employer would be ok with any video, including adult, except one that in any way demeans minorities. My supervisor wouldn't care... I can't even get him to read my emails.

Along those lines, Apple promises it will reject government demands to use new child abuse image detection system for surveillance.  No, really, we swear.

Apple already checks iCloud files and images sent over email against known child abuse imagery, as do tech giants like Google, Twitter, Microsoft, Facebook, and Dropbox, who employ similar image hashing methods to look for and flag potential abuse material,

Read it again: the other services also 'scan' for child abuse material

Although we don't have any, what else is scanned?

Best assumption is everything. Proceed accordingly.

Ever get anything from a humongous worldwide shipper that rhymes with RedEx?

Of course you have - we all have.

Ever try to ship anything with them?

That was a trick question. The answer is you can't.

In my younger days, you'd call a number and they'd send a truck, post haste.

Those days have gone. They are so far in the rear window that it is easier to see Abraham Lincoln at his desk (with a slave or two underneath).

I got a next day envelope. I went to ship it back, prepaid.

This is when I discovered you can't ship anything with RedEx.

RedEx is cutting their costs by 'allowing' you to drop off your next day prepaid envelope at 'drop off points'. Sorry - it's prepaid, guys. You're coming to my house, even though it might kill at least one of us. And it will.

I went looking for a phone number and POOF, got their web page, which is full of color pictures and all sorts of irrelevant information, but no phone numbers. Eventually I found the contact page, but it was in Spanish. That makes perfect sense. Falling back on my 6 years of high school Spanish, I gave it a try. I got the phone numbers. Unfortunately they were for Spain.

These RedEx guys have it down.

On Fridays, they all get drunk and watch people attempt to use the website.

There's a chat box. But there are no representatives available, because they don't work on days ending in -y. There's an automated help box, where I ask it for a phone number. It silently mocks me. I ask it to just send a motherfscking truck to pick up a tiny prepaid envelope. It suggests I go to Shipping.

Shipping is the page I've been to over and over. It wants me to set up an account. I don't need an account, I need a colorful truck to show up sometime in the next 24 hours. This is not an option.

Finally I discover another option to schedule a pickup (YAY!).

I fill everything in, hit SUBMIT, then it stares at me, subtly giggling. Eventually it tells me not to resubmit and check with Scheduling. There IS no Scheduling.

When I finally hit OK, it tells me the shipping number is wrong. Of course the shipping number is wrong - I copied it directly from the envelope, where it was typed in LARGE BLACK LETTERS. I did not mistype.

Sneaky bunch, these RedEx guys.

I saw a RedEx truck coming up the street. Quickly, I built a roadblock, put out some stop sticks, and stood there, holding my AR-13. The driver said he sympathized with my plight, but he couldn't pick up anything without it being scheduled. I was tempted to have his gas tank schedule itself to drop off the truck, but stupid karma would just catch up with me. Again.

RedEx's business plan counts on people getting frustrated and giving up trying to ship.

If I ever DO get in touch with RedEx, I'm going to ask them why they caused me more aggravation than the last 2 elections. They'll tell me they just want to make sure I'm serious about sending the envelope.

It's a good thing the envelope I'm sending isn't for antidepressants. I'd have shot myself.

This all feeds into my abject failure in all things electronic commerce. I wonder who I killed in a past life to cause this... Whenever I attempt to purchase something on the web, Wife has to take Dog and go on a Three Hour Tour, because she knows there will be screaming, pounding, and pleading (this is just typing in the url).  For a high tech guy, I feel like an abject failure every time. Concert tickets are the worst. And after I fail to get them online, I have to go to the box office, where there's a $25 surcharge for handing money to a human. So that's $325 plus tissues for nosebleed seats. 

I'm ok with Amazon, but that might just be a magic spell Jeff Bezos has put on the planet.

This might point to excrementally bad web design, in addition to my karma for having blown up several small, possibly inhabited planets in a past life. All of this is on large screens - heaven forbid this is tried from a phone! Everyone and their dog is a 'web designer' but, like everyone making music, not everyone should. C'mon - people with telescopes can't read that font size.

I'm good with Ebay too, but I think it's because I used to give them 15% of my income for guitar toys. Disposable income became indisposed. Must be my karma again... you see, I set a couple of nuns on fire... just a few... well I had to... they kept telling me I had sin and it was early in the morning, before sinning hours. If you think about it, the only people guilty of sin in advance are husbands.

• Some call me a contrarian.  I think not.

Captivity - Day 76 Motel Hell

So we're minding our businesses, as we always do, in partial silence, and I'm working from home, enjoying the partial silence. Then I hear LOUD winds and rain. Then several huge BOOMS. Apparently is was raining. Well, too.

The BOOMS must have had something to do with all the neighbors, standing outside, with their masks and color-coded umbrellas. I think all the trees decided to go on vacation. They went down the block and embedded themselves  in the convenience store. It looked like a porcupine or that stupid Covid graphic.

Called Power company - all lines busy. Uh-oh.
It's all over the city and suburbs. They said it would be 24 hours for a fix. Impressive.
The guy who works at the provider said DAYS.
Ummmm.....

Mrs lefty said NO.
I can't work with no power (I'm powerless), so we found a hotel that was dog-friendly. Mrs lefty was absolutely in heaven because I had to register and she didn't have to listen to my extended grumbling about having to wear a *$#*ing mask. At least the room had a bed.

The dog was impressed too. She barked. At ridiculous times. For no reason. And when she barks, she won't stop, no matter what you do. So I went into action and slammed my finger in the heavy metal door. It was a good night.

You can't find or buy food in the area. Our power outage caught most of the restaurants (that weren't closed). We actually got voicemail at a pizza place. No convenience stores. Most traffic lights out. Even the vending machines were empty. It's 2020, people.....  Why did this happen? Some bizarre weather event we're not even supposed to get: a derecho.

While I'm at a virtual meeting, the dog starts barking again. I run to stop her, with my usual lack of success. Her mommy is taking her back home, but she has to change her clothes first (mommy, not the dog). I'm standing there, dog barking, missing my meeting, open-mouthed, because a change of clothes is needed. I was worried the car would start to fly and the hotel would turn upside down, cuz I wasn't dealing with reality - just watching it.

We're living in the Twilight Zone. More accurately, the Twilight Zone Hotel.
We were lucky... power was back early. All color-coded umbrella neighbors happy, and most of the trees removed from the convenience store. Dunkin was open, so frozen hot chocolates for breakfast and a thank you for staying open during the Flying AIDS crisis.


To recap, we have the Flying AIDS, looting, massive power outages, and the cicadas are ready to come out. The favorite tv show in America features furries, we can buy candles with the scent of Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina, Black Lives Matter has split with Looting Your Stuff Matters, and police are learning how to dance on a neck. The president came in with a long list of people he wanted to piss off and by God, he's nearing the end. His opposition fondles little girls and can't remember doing it (or much of anything else).  Maybe them there televangeelists have a pernt. Will there be beer in heaven? Will there be beer for those of us staying here?


So how's your day?





George Floyd, RIP, was contacted by a spiritual medium today. Asked what he wanted people to do in his memory, he said, "Well, peacefully protest. And loot. Definitely loot. Peacefully protest AND loot at the same time."  Asked what he wanted at his funeral, he said, "Oh God..noooooo.....not Al Sharpton!! He'll just make things worse! He didn't bring Jesse Jackson, did he?" Asked about racism, he said, "Sometimes it ain't about race. People see racism everywhere."


Idiot Governor says PA will move from red to yellow tomorrow. For those of you following along at home, he means PA will officially allow things Pennsylvanians have been doing anyway.  I remind you again: I didn't vote for this half-governor. We're being TOLD what we're ALLOWED to do. Not what our founding fathers had in mind.

Vote libertarian- you won't get this crap.

They Wax Their Underarms?

According to my trusty indoor thermometer, it's sixty three outside. That's 6.547 British degrees, and in Canada, that's Bikini Weather.

Since my house lags the weather by at least twelve hours, it's pretty cold inside. It's so cold....
HOW COLD IS IT?
It's so cold, the neighbors told me to shut my windows: I'm letting all the cold air outside.

• Hi, my name is Stan. I quit smoking with Chantix. Yes, I killed my wife and children, but I quit smoking!

My toilet's dirty.
Not like that.
It's got dirt on it.
Yes it's cleaned often, thank you.
It's got real dirt on it.
It's not like I went out and rolled in the dirt then came in and drank from the...
Oh.

• There are two kinds of people: a hole has appeared in your plane...

1. you try to figure out how to remain alive
2. you pull out your phone and start taking video

Beyond Death Tip: if your plane is failing to fly, in terms of it rushing at the ground, write out whatever you have to say to whomever and swallow it. It is likely the note will survive and the autopsy will reveal it. You know... if there's enough of you found to autopsy.

• ok, try this one: a fight breaks out in a tiny fast food joint...

1. you duck the punches and flee
2. you pull out your phone and start taking video

• a man is on the bridge you're crossing, looking like he's going to jump...

1. you call the police
2. you pull out your phone and start taking video
3. you drive by and helpfully yell, "JUMP!"

Penn State University has banned its near-century-old outdoor recreation club from going outside because it is too dangerous out in the wilderness. I have a theory (don't I always?): when Stupid gathers, it eventually hits critical mass and explodes spectacularly. So stay away from colleges and universities.

• There is something going on with Ed Begley, Jr. We all know him as an actor and environmental champion. As one watches Really Bad TV, going back farther and farther, into black and white, one sees Ed Begley, Jr. a lot. Ed doesn't seem to age much. He's got that speech thing going. How can a 'young' Ed Begley, Jr., appear in Dragnet, then on a documentary about solar powering his house, looking just slightly older.
• Is Ed Begley, Jr. Satan? 
• Don't tell me I'm the only one who noticed this...

I think it's time we put aside this opioid nonsense and do something useful: cure my wife, who is buy-polar.

• I discovered yesterday, to my shock, that women's pants pockets are largely ornamental. If I didn't know this, what else don't I know?

I'm usually the last one to post this crap. Please don't think less of me.

• The other day, the man for whom the sun shines, Bono Kanye West, said he loves Donald Trump. The 'music' industry went into Immediate Meltdown Mode<tm>, proclaiming #KanyeIsDone.  Here's the report from Hollywood Hospital:
• JayZ and Beyonce have their own rooms while their wings are being built, pictures of the Obamas decorating their walls
• Rob Reiner never moved out of his suites
• Barbara Streisand broke a leg in the mad rush to move to Canada
• the Hollywood Hazmat Team was called out to an awards show, when 90% of attendees simply got a (different) blank look and fell over. As a precaution, all awards shows have been put on indefinite hold
• you could see Whoopee Goldberg momentarily turn into a reptilian
• Meryl Streep and Jennifer Lawrence held hands and fainted, blaming the NRA
• 50 cent devalued to 25 cent
• President Trump hailed the statement, referring to Kanye as 'my very good rap friend'.
• Kim Kardashian asked, "Who's Trump?"
• Sometimes it's fun to sit back and watch the world burn.

It's not a particularly good time to be funny and living in Britain.

A fella by the handle of Count Dankula received an 800lb fine for posting video of his pug making a nazi salute.

A teen from Liverpool was was found guilty of "sending an offensive message" after she posted rap lyrics by Snap Dogg on her Instagram page, as a tribute to a 13 year old boy who died in a traffic accident. BOOM: eight weeks community service and a 500lb fine. Never mind that the lyrics were incomprehensible, it's the principle. I would reproduce them here if there were any chance that this blog is read in England.

Any claim to freedom of speech in England is dead. Now would be a pretty good time to nip this issue before it gets worse. And it will get worse.

In the US, we're free to have our pugs perform nazi salutes while rapping about the best way to offend minorities. People would laugh at us, for other reasons, but we could do it.  I'm kidding: the SJWs would have a fit until we changed the lyrics to 'offending crackers'. We don't have censorship by law - we have censorship by SJW.  We have met the enemy and it is US.

• Work just sent me a voluntary survey to fill out. Now.

There is a Pupperoni on my bed.
The dog is sleeping late today, after keeping the wife up all night, teaching her new tricks.
I hope these two things are related.

• While out, I heard a remake of The Bay City Rollers' "Saturday Night." It was every bit as stupid as the original, but lacking in originality. I haven't been so thrilled about a remake since "Endless Love."

I mentioned that I'm a voluntary agoraphobe: I don't leave my house, not because I can't, but because Stupid People and Stupid Stuff happens when I do. There were errands to be run. I was elected to run them. When I say elected, I mean the wife told me to pick up some things. This is a mixed blessing, as when I do this, it costs considerably less than when she does this. Unfortunately, she's the expert.

Being an occasionally nice guy, I picked her up something for lunch. No, not some sushi from the convenience store... a sandwich from the convenience store.  Yes, I've run million dollar networks, but I hate those automated ordering screens. They're evil and you have to guess which category your food is hidden behind. Well, let's see... paninis are definitely not behind frozen drinks. Or are they? Since the wife is the expert, it didn't seem strange that I couldn't find my choice. This caused me to do what everybody hates most: ask a question of the friendly staff.  I've seen people pull their own hair out and leave the store, rather than ask an employee. The employee helpfully let me know what I wanted just went off the menu and won't be carried anymore.

I snickered an evil snicker. The poor fellow had no idea what was going on and openly wished he were somewhere else. Anywhere but near me. I get that a lot.

You're not paranoid if they really are out to get you.
And they are. Or he is. You can't see him and neither can I. Or at least I don't recognize him. He's the guy who follows us around, noting what we buy. When we leave the store, he gives the list to the manager, who immediately stops carrying whatever we bought. The thing that sounds crazy (really? only one thing?) is that it's not just one store... it's all of them.

Having located the substitution for the item they stopped carrying just for me, I noticed it had several items I did not want, to the extent that I sometimes launch them when at pricey restaurants. The evil display will allow me to customize the sandwich, but we have a fundamental difference in the definition of customize. To most of civilized society (and my neighborhood), customize means add or subtract things. To this store, customize means change the kind of cheese on the sandwich. I don't like cheese. But there's no way to remove it. I really don't like tomatoes. Not an option to remove it. Perhaps I'd be better off with a frozen drink.

I stood in line to pay, right in back of the lady who has a card with a chip in it. She pulled out prematurely, voiding the transaction. Then she hit CREDIT instead of DEBIT.  If this lady has a driver's license, she's about the make the convenience store a drive-thru.

Manning the register is a very cheerful lady. Very cheerful. The kind of cheerful that makes you want to harpoon her. The problem here is that I live in a No Harpoon State, which kinda torpedoes that. Hey.. torpedoes!  The cashier is singing, chatting, and jumping up and down, like some sort of crack addict with an actual job. Or a meth head... I always get those two mixed up. To make things more entertaining, she's blessing people, like Pope Crack. She told one lady to enjoy the beautiful weather God has provided for us. I have no problem with any of this, with the exception of the VOLUME. I just want to know, when the storm starts later today, if she's still going to be thanking God for the beautiful weather. Or blaming him, perhaps.

Have a blessed day, readers.

• Ren was Marshall's cat. He was incredibly long and lean, weighing 19lbs. He drove us up a tree, almost blowing up the house by jumping on the stove and turning the gas on. Eventually he stopped trying to kill us. His heart gave out one day, about two years ago. Every now and then I think about him. I miss the little bastard.

It turns out Elvis was a huge fan of Monty Python's Holy Grail. He would sit there and watch it with his posse, constantly quoting the movie outside. While playing ball, he broke a finger. He said it was just a flesh wound.  I'd pay for footage of this.

• I feel bad that I haven't brought you any good news in IT (no I don't), so here you are: hackers need just about a minute to turn your hotel room key card into a master key for common hotel door locks. So before you go to your room, check your laptop and sex doll at the counter.

Google did a redesign on Gmail that will enhance privacy (from everyone but Google). Here are details. There are some decent improvements, but not all are available right now.






Depression has been described in any number of ways. One particularly good one is an elephant sitting on your chest. Walking though molasses.

The slightest movement is very difficult. It can physically hurt. You burst out crying for little or no apparent reason. There is no joy in anything, including the things you love most. You might sit there at work, staring, unable to work. Or doing your work is too much. You sigh because there's nothing on tv and you had to wade through mud to change the channel. Getting out of bed becomes insurmountable. When you do get out, you desperately want to go back. You don't feel like eating.

Does any of this sound familiar?
Ask your doctor about it.
See someone.*
Talk to someone you know with depression.
Maybe you're more comfortable with a priest or minister or pastor.
You don't HAVE TO feel like this. It's not normal. It's validating and liberating to hear it. You can be helped. Wouldn't it be nice to get to just miserable?

And if you want to hurt yourself or others (more than normal), get to the hospital now. They will keep you safe.



* often the first visit is free. Your insurance should cover it. Cash fees can be negotiated. There may be city or county resources, plus crisis phone lines.