Intercourse the Penguin

Your love is like   electing a House speaker

You can now order drone delivery from Walmart, provided you live within 1 mile of a participating store. 

And miss all those interestingly-dressed customers in the world's greatest sociology experiment? No way, buddy.

Today I identify as   a Tesla, in which the auto-drive works. (just kidding, there is no such thing)

To the people stopping by from other countries: Thanks.  To the people stopping by from the US: Thanks. 

Today's best pr0n title:  Slut Inspection

Porsche Lynn!

YES SIR!

Where are your implants?

HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY YET, SIR 

What kind of a slut doesn't have boob implants?

A BAD SLUT, SIR 

You know what happens to bad sluts.

YESSIR. THEY GET PUNISHED. PUNISH ME, SIR!

And furthermore, you were atrocious in Sisters Love Their Stepmoms. You were far from authentic.

SIR, I'M NOT A RUG-FACE. I DON'T LIKE P*SSY..

What kind of a slut doesn't like p*ssy?  Go to the back of the line.

Angel Haze!

YES SIR! 

You make enough to get first class implants. Your nipples look out in different directions.

I WILL CORRECT THAT SIR, WHEN I GET BIGGER ONES 

Very good. Now, I see you have very little acne.

YES SIR.

Haze, acne indicates drug use. You have precious little of it. Think of your fans...

SORRY, SIR.

Don't be sorry - get on the ball! The 8 ball.

YES SIR 

Mercedes Porsche!

YESSIR! 

Look at you. It's a jungle down there.

I'VE BEEN VERY BUSY LATELY.

What kind of excuse is that? You're a big star and you look like you time traveled to the 1970s.

SORRY SIR. I WILL DO BETTER. 

I also understand you've only been with 47 guys this month.

[hangs head] YES SIR. 

What kind of a slut is with only 47 guys?

Ladies, you have 7 days to fix this shit and look like proper sluts. You signed an oath!

Yes SIR! 

Abortion pills can now be sold at pharmacies, FDA rules

Prediction: not in the states with the rabid religionoids in office

So we know my laptop came back from service ostensibly working, then the keyboard and some other stuff failed. We know that this stuff is waaay above my pay grade. I can usually fix stuff, but this is way down into the operating system, possibly past the driver level. Ever see those huge Microsoft ergonomic keyboards? I had to keep one connected to the laptop so I could type over the weekend. I just didn't have it in me to mess around with the laptop further. I always said I wanted a laptop with an ergo keyboard, and the universe apparently responded. Perhaps I should have been more specific. 

However, I did not ask for car trouble, or even anything that looked like car trouble. There was no possible misunderstanding. Ya know that sound... it's like when you have few bodies in the trunk and they're rolling around, banging into the trunk sides and lid? It sounded like that. It turns out it wasn't the bodies - it was the struts. Or it was the struts and the bodies; our garage only deals with the mechanical side of noises. Why do all of the mechanic's calls start with "Are you sitting down?"

The Dark Spirits or poltergeists are in hysterics. Next week, I'm having a few guests: an exorcist, some faith healers, a televangelist (who will lay hands on the front door), a gypsy, a satanist rabbi, and this Haitian dude, complete with dead chickens. Somebody from the Unitarian church, who may or may not believe in spirits, and some Baptists, who will sing and dance at or in the house. If any of this fails, we're summoning Pope John Paul George and Ringo.

UPDATE: I spent an hour last night, trying to repair my errant laptop. I was in uncharted territory. I had absolutely no idea where I was going.... I was deep into the Matrix, without tight, shiny clothes. I am not intimidated at all, which most people call Stupid. In the end, I failed to succeed. It is one of my more endearing traits. At the end of an unproductive, murderously annoying day, I sat and read something. As I'm nearing the end, the entire laptop goes POOF and shuts down. No, it wasn't me. There was no power because someone had knocked out the power plug and didn't notice it (that would be me, and there was nobody around to blame it on). I decided to take this quietly and only woke up half the neighborhood, at 1am. 

This morning, I stumbled into the office, somehow managed not to knock anything to the ground (like yesterday, when I sent a 24" monitor flying at the ground) and plugged everything in. And without so much as a POOF, the keyboard worked.  Perhaps threatening to have the exorcists and the pope by threw a monkey wrench into the plans of the Dark Spirits and a few of them packed their ethereal bags and moved out. Perhaps its my new not-showering thing. Or they're tired of hearing the dog bark at them (other dogs attack or run away - mine stands there BARKING until we do something). So I'm not going to look a gift whore in the mouth.

Q. How do you guarantee rain?

A1. leave a car window open

A2. move to this area

Man’s eyes turn bloody, yellow after plunge into pee-filled canal

Geez, who coulda seen that coming...

Black man wrongfully jailed for a week after face recognition error, report says

The fact that facial recognition has a lot of trouble with black people is widely known. Yet it's used. Then the guy gets stuck in jail for a week? He was let go and all charges dropped, but he shouldn't have been there in the first place.

14 rounds of voting for House Speaker, 1 Congressman had to be physically restrained

Asshats - the lot of them. How did these idiots get into office? Oops, they were voted in.

The funniest part was someone nominating Trump for Speaker. I love to watch things burn... 

These male spiders catapult away to avoid being cannibalized after sex

We know that only female mosquitoes bite. And certain female spiders eat their mate after sex. We already knew females of any species are smart and highly dangerous.

The spiders use hydraulic pressure to extend leg joints and launch to safety.  Males of the species homo (formerly) erectus will need a compressor by the bed and a long (ahem) hose. Or wind up with repetitive stress injuries.

 

Chick-fil-A investigates reports of hacked customer accounts

They were hacked on a Sunday, when all their stores were closed. 

There are Chik Filet accounts? 

Ok, I lamented purchasing slippers because only old people wear slippers, not cool d00ds like me. Unfortunately, some wag gifted me a nose hair trimmer. I'm really stuck here, because as you know, I braid my nose hair and am headed for the 2043 Olympics Nose Hair Games. But if I don't use it, the gifter will be upset. I'll see if Dog wants it.

Pornhub requires ID from Louisiana users to comply with state’s new porn law

Let's pretend, for the purposed of pretending, that the first word in the above title is IBM, and the last words are 'computer law.'  You know me... I don't believe the state has any business messing with businesses. We know the whole law is being driven by the Rabid Religionoids, who have a high speed Pr0nhub feed already. The ones who are having sex with the very homosexuals they preach against. 

Mostly, I want any state or country to keep hands off the internet. We've done very well so far. If the little buggers are looking up body parts, and this is somehow a problem, perhaps their parents should start to parent and not leave it to the state to cover their shortfalls.  I'm not suggesting that kids should visit these sites (although they replace the Playboy in Dad's drawer in olden times).

Under the current hands-on policies, it's kinda funny when other countries DEMAND that Faceyspaces or Twitter censor people saying Bad Stuff<tm> or they're going to sue. Even better, 

 "Apple Fined $8.5 Million for Illegally Collecting iPhone Owners' Data for Ads".  Oopsie, Apple prides itself on being the privacy champion of phones. Don't be an iHole.

In any case, hands off. You no like, you no visit. 

Also- the human body is not 'bad' or shameful or dirty, except when our parents and religion cause it to be so. Your parents fsck, or you wouldn't be here to discuss this.

Conversations with my dog 

Me: Mommy said you slept across my neck last night.

Her: Yes, I do that every night

Me: Why?

Her: Because you're comfortable, dummy. And you say *I'm* the stupid one.

Perseverance rover drops off first sample tube on surface of Mars

Instructions say Martians are to fill it up and put it back on the rover for analysis. 

FDA approves new Alzheimer’s treatment despite risks, unclear benefits

In completely unrelated news, Big Pharma is the hugest donor to politicians.

Now leave, or I shall taunt you a second time

I Have an Adverse Relationship with Mondays

Tired of paying ridiculous rates and sky-high deductibles for Obamacare? I am.
Leaping into inaction, our friends in government have provided us with another option: the Simple Choice plan. This plan will cover basic services without a deductible. The Federal Government set the deductible and copays but not the rates, meaning they don't expect it to have much/any difference in rates. Again: the people responsible should be punished for this NOW, before they slither away into forgotten history.

• According to research, milk from Tasmanian Devils could be a useful weapon against antibiotic-resistant superbugs. Yeah, you go collect it from them.

A 79 year old exorcist, Fr Vincenzo Taraborelli, says it's becoming difficult to find younger recruits.

Good... c'mon... exorcism? Let's burn some witches while we're at it.

• The Pentagon declined to say whether the USS Mason destroyer was targeted by multiple inbound missiles fired from Yemen, saying a review was underway to determine what happened. Because sometimes it's difficult to tell if missiles hit your ship.

Have you been feeling a bit weird lately and you can't put your finger on it? With the aid of drivers licenses, the Feds have put together a 177 million person database of faces and you didn't know about it. This is about half of the US population. Read it and weep.

• Mornings are ... problematic

Online dating? You might want to avoid Nicole, who is looking to steal a few of your vital organs.

• How bout that last debate? The upside is that the nation can now go on calmly, secure in the knowledge that there won't be another one.

I'm trying to figure out what's worse: whether composer David Teie has released an album for cats or that it is #1 on the charts.

• Over on Reddit, there is a section devoted to popping pimples and blackheads and whatever else. There are pictures and, heaven forbid, videos. Enjoy your breakfast.

Now appearing, in my bathroom, is a new cordless phone. It is currently charging. In most other houses, this would probably be a good thing, except possibly for the location. Last week I discovered that neither of us knows how or why the phone got there. Nobody bought it, put it there, or plugged it in. And when I say nobody, I mean the people and hopefully not the dog, who, as far as I know, cannot (yet) order with a credit card or shop in stores. Or at least that's what he tells us. It's a Radio Shack phone, which makes it even more interesting, as most have closed and I don't know where there might be an open one. Further, the existing phone seems to work just fine.  So there we go. I wish guitars would just appear like that.

• An Ohio woman has been accused of smothering her three sons over a 13 month period 'so they didn't grow up to abuse' women.  The Social Justice Warrior program has officially crossed the Nuts Barrier<tm>. What kind of brain issue would cause a mother to murder her children? What kind of defense will she mount - temporary 13 month insanity? As far as I know, there's no Social Justice Defense (yet). Whatever kind of brainwashing she received is becoming way too common. I hate to say it but this is the start of something legally reprehensible. Maybe it will spawn legal justification for men to murder their wives: "Your Honor, I was afraid she was becoming a Social Justice Warrior and needed to protect my children."

Leaping on the train, so to speak, Amtrak has banned the Samsung Galaxy Note 7. The line is getting longer... on January 2, the Obama administration will ban it also. The Department of Homeland Security will list the Samsungs as Weapons of Mass Destruction, putting the Samsung factory in danger of being droned. Still.. could be worse... could be an iDevice.

• “Is your refrigerator running?” 
• Goes and checks. 
• “Yes?” “It’s attacking France. You’re under arrest.”

Whoever says that government does not get things done is not paying attention to New York's Second Avenue Subway. The new line's first leg should start in December, but could be delayed. The project dates to the 1920s.

• While driving, I heard something about the Philadelphia Eagles winning a game. Philly remains certain that this will be rectified by the next game. This will not, however, deter people from buying season tickets and seats that cost $250, plus $25-50 parking and $8 squirrel urine, disguised as beer.

There was a horrible bus crash on a Los Angeles highway, with 13 people killed. The good news, however, was pictures of one guy, stuck in unmoving traffic, getting three phone numbers from attractive ladies who were also stuck. Reticent to use colloquialisms as I am, this guy got game.

• China's Communist Party punished more than one million officials for corruption. Say what you want about communism and China, we could certainly use some of that in the good old US of A.

Donald Trump says he can win the women's vote. I suspect this will happen right after I start campaigning for Apple.

• The Senate will hold hearings on the AT&T-Time Warner merger. Any guesses as to how it will come out?

Pennsylvania's own former attorney general, Kathleen Kane, is due to be sentenced today for leaking grand jury information then lying about it to investigators. Her lawyers' plea is to give her probation or house arrest, because she has children. As far as I know, she had the children when she leaked the info.

UK police seek man in connection with clever theft of blinds

Smell the Table

My mother is weird. Yes, how can she not be weird, considering her son (I hear insanity goes upstream). She got a table recently that smelled. You certainly can't argue with the statement, no matter how weird it is. While waiting for the furniture store to pick it up, my wife happened to be at the house and Mom explained about the table.

"Smell it," she said.

My wife, not used to sniffing tables, assured her that she believed her.

"SMELL THE TABLE," she insisted.

The wife knows not to poke the tiger with a pointed stick, so she smelled the table. As it turned out, the table smelled largely like a table, whatever that smells like. Rather than argue with a woman carrying a very sharp knife, she agreed. I forgot to mention that this is the third table.

• I just found out that the Crazy Lady next door refers to our house as the Addams Family house. I shall wear that like a badge of pride. What confuses me is how a 438 year old creature knows the Addams Family. She existed hundreds of years before television. She will exist hundreds of years after television. When our ashes have washed off the guitar stores where they've been spread, she will still be there, cackling and belittling her new neighbors for not being up to her standards.

According to a new working paper by the National Bureau of Economic Research, hot weather leads to diminished 'coital frequency'. For us Thermionic non-academic types, this says that global warming means less boom-boom. We, as Americans (and readers from all countries), need to come together (<--see what I did there?) to counter this very discouraging statistic. So when you get home, boink your significant other and announce proudly that you're doing your part to battle global warming!

• No more Me and Bobby McGee: A Florida man (of course), named Bobby McGee, has been convicted of stabbing his wife nineteen times. His (somewhat shaky) defense was that he was stabbing her as part of an exorcism, to drive the demons out.

Administrators at Vassar College put the Constitution through a paper shredder. Professors are saying that the Constitution is "oppressive" and "causes people pain."  I never went to college (I couldn't pass the drinking exam) but this really twists my head around, like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, shooting pea soup in a 360 degree arc.

• If you're heading off to Galacia, Spain, for the Clitoris Festival, you're going to be horribly disappointed and terribly embarrassed. Google Translate didn't. It somehow translated rapini (a leafy green veggie) with the clitoris (a large chocolate marshmallow candy). I can personally guarantee you that there will be plenty of both there, but you'll have significant difficulty finding one of them (moreso).

He did it his way: We sadly note that, in an interview with Robin Williams' widow, Robin had Parkinson's and a form of dementia that would have killed him within three years. He was deteriorating in front of their eyes.

• Turkey's first underwater museum opened the other day.  In other news, one hundred people drown in opening of Turkey's first underwater museum.

After an audit, it turns out that a Kenyan ministry bought sex toys and expensed them. This is the difference between a third world country and a first world country: in Kenya, they expense sex toys. In the US, we expense Columbian hookers.

• Southbridge Middle/High School went into lockdown because a student was waving a stapler and other students thought it was a gun. The way things are going, you'll be able to rob a bank with your fingers making the gun sign.  STAND BACK - HE HAS A STAPLER!

Two weeks ago, the head of the CIA had his AOL email account hacked. Yesterday FBI Deputy Director Mark Jiuliano and his wife had their AOL account hacked, presumably by the same hacking group. Yesterday, over 3,500 government employees' names, email addresses and law-enforcement contacts were leaked online.  WHY DO THESE HIGH-RANKING FRAUDS HAVE AOL ACCOUNTS, some with sensitive information? These are the ogranizations that are 'keeping us safe'. War on Terror! Homeland Security! Fusion Centers! Foreign Terrorists! Homegrown Terrorists! It's for the children!  Safety begins at home, guys.

MUSIC

Phil Collins is set to return to music. Music lovers the world over move to block this rebirth, saying 'There is far too much suffering in the world as it is'.

I can't remember how I found Jellyfish, but it was a fortunate discovery.  The best way I can describe them is a combination of the Beatles and Badfinger or Queen, 10cc and Rembrandts. For whatever reason, they never made it - possibly due to talent.

The King is Half Undressed is a good, memorable tune. It's also a video with very strange, old outfits.
Check out all the goodies on their album Bellybutton. Also enjoy New Mistake from Spilt Milk. This is a serious hit that never hit, complete with George Harrison-ish harmonized slide guitar solo.

He will make a perfect entitled American citizen (but won't apply)

Billy Was a Mountain

Fast & Furious star Paul Walker is a new entry in the latest Forbes list of top-earning dead celebrities.

• there is a list of top-earning dead celebrities?
• perhaps I should become dead - it seems to be great for your career. 
• Hendrix did most of his work posthumously

The first republican presidential debate will air only on CNBC. A spokesman for the GOP stated that they don't want the kind of person who doesn't have cable voting for republicans.

ThermionicEmissions would like to congratulate Northrup Grumman, which beat Boeing and Lockheed Martin to win the multi-BILLION dollar contract on the next-generation long-range strike bomber.  When asked for comment on how we're going to pay for this, President Obama said, "What the hell do you think we're doing in Syria?"

• I used to object to the characterization of California as the land of fruit and nuts but it's glaringly obvious that they earned the title fairly.  They are now considering warning labels on meat. As if that weren't enough, San Francisco voted to shield illegal aliens from deportation officials (except they called them immigrants, of course). Next week, San Francisco considers voting to shield serial murderers from the police.

ZOMBIE fan? You'll be disappointed to hear that Hollywood is going back to exorcism and demonic possession. Just in time for the holidays.

• According to Nielsen, football led tv ratings this week.  In a completely unrelated story, Kim Kardashian announces that she and Kanye are getting sex changes.

The Catholic priest who was fired by the Vatican says the clergy is 'full of homosexuals.' Who could have seen that coming?  Apparently he neglected to mention child molesters too.

• In case you're missing this essential skill, Lifehacker will teach you 'how to fart in public and get away with it'.

Ever wonder where crop circles come from? Wonder no more.

• I have posted a few pieces about how the satanists are fighting for our rights. Now the atheists are at it, but apparently they need to take a cue from the satanists about making a point. Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris and Neil deGrasse Tyson are going to hold a cross burning ceremony for Christmas because 'a cross-burning... would teach them a lesson in rational thought.'  Gents: I fear this is not the way to go about making friends and influencing people. People might not grok the subtlety of your message. Christians will be mad, the KKK will sue you for copyright violation, and the Muslims will probably shoot you on principle.

Fender now has a Jimi Hendrix Stratocaster! And it's only for backwards (right-handed) people. Sad irony.

TECH

A survey of applications installed on Windows computers found that a lot of users don't run up-to-date versions of Apple programs; QuickTime and iTunes were the largest group [Most Exposed to Threats in the US].  As if it wasn't bad enough that people are using Windows AND Apple, I strongly urge you to keep these up to date.  In fact, you'd be well-served to dump QuickTime and use the free (and open source), capable VLC for all of your audio and video needs. It does not have viruses or Phone Home like the bloated QuickTime. As for iTunes, I'm not even gonna bother...

If you use WhatsApp, know that it's sucking up your data like mad. Find an alternative. I don't use this so I can't tell you where to go. 

BILLY THE MOUNTAIN

This is an incredible song by Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention. It runs a bit long for today's MTV-bred viewers/listeners. When I first heard it, I fell in love. This version features Volman/Kaylan vocals, formerly of the Turtles (Happy Together). It tells the story of Billy (a mountain) and his wife Ethel (a tree growing out of his shoulder). It's rife with references to the Tonight Show, patriotism, the draft, California, and the new superhero for our times, Studebaker Hawk. If you have delicate ears, skip it. If you have delicate ears, you wouldn't be reading ThermionicEmissions.

This opera came out long before compact discs and had to fit on a record. The level of musicianship is stellar, like most of Zappa's recordings. Imagine how difficult it must be to perform a piece this long every night, including the odd change for venue. It's mind-boggling.  Give it a listen and check out the story - it's only slightly bizarre.

If your brain has somehow managed not to explode, check out Mothers Live at the Fillmore '71. It's a little easier on the skull and has a great groupie story. Robert Plant was hysterical over it.

Why Did the Politician Cross the Road?

...because the Road Building PAC paid him to.

It was a glorious morning - the sun made a rare appearance and it was almost no-jacket weather. I mention this because I had to go outside to get the dog before I left for work. He was where he always is - facing the neighbors' house, waiting for his morning treat. He likes to ignore me at these times. In fact, this morning he hid in the bushes so I wouldn't see him.  This plan, although ingenious, failed because he didn't realize that there were no leaves or vegetation on the bushes - just bare sticks.

Our good friends at the Department of the Motherland Homeland Security are offering yet another service to make us safer: Family Reunification Program. This is where we pick up families from three South American countries (at the Mexican border, trying to sneak in) and give them free transportation and a special refugee/parole program with “resettlement assistance” and permanent residency.  Pretty soon DHS will be 'helping' with elections, drivers licenses and food shopping.


FOUR RING CIRCUSES

It's no secret that I live in a weird place, with a weird wife and weird pets. And I'm not exactly standard-issue either. But sometimes I long for a life in which gravity is one hundred percent effective and things don't blink in and out of existence with regularity.  Normal life is boring - I prefer something closer to the middle, though....

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Some of the Potholes of Death had been filled. It was better than I had a right to ask for.  I was expecting a good evening too, at least until I got home.

Upon opening my front door, I was greeted by a house full of smoke. It didn't occur to me to panic; instead I ran to the kitchen, from where the smoke seemed to be emanating.  I was full of wonder, wondering what had happened and which denizen did what to cause it.  Maybe the cat had once again taken up his hobby of leaping onto the stove, turning the gas on in the process.  Perhaps the dog had decided to have his cat food warmed first, as opposed to out of the cat bowl.

Nope... the wife was busily attending to the microwave, which housed some formerly exploded and burning potatoes and taken out the device permanently.  I opened windows and turned on fans, relieved that we didn't have to call outside help.  The police and fire folks occasionally stop by for a laugh when they're feeling down.

After that little bit of fun, Existential Agita started to set in. This is the state in which I start to question Stuff in the larger picture, which sometimes tends to be a little frightening. And frightening it was.. I don't know about other people, but I never have any idea what to expect when I return from slaving over a hot computer. Virtual children, Pet Damage, sleeping wives, things hurling themselves at guests, disappearing objects, fire, and people determined to flee the house for purposes of purchasing Code Red (Mt Dew which tastes kinda like maraschino cherry soda, heavy on the caffeine).  Weary, I climbed the steps, only to discover that the bedroom was every bit as full of smoke as the kitchen. Never let it be said that we do anything halfway.

What did this teach me?  That the next day, my coat and all of my clothes smell like exploded potatoes, which was only discovered on the way to work, in the car.  My new colleagues have already developed a healthy distaste for me.. this will only make matters worse (if it doesn't trigger the building's smoke detectors).

Perhaps a little less explosion would be nice.  Less people (and pets) bouncing off the walls. No trips to the Happy Place. No $250 Performance tires on the Hyundai. No $350 pet xrays. Not another idiot hitting the car EVER again. Fewer days in which the house looks like the aftermath of pets playing with explosives. No more of the wife preparing for a lucrative career in Chainsaw Juggling (or fish gutting).

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I have good news and bad news for you. Unfortunately I'm not sure which is which, so I'll leave the decision to you, my empowered readers:  

1. The Vatican exorcism course is set for April.
2. It's sold out.

Something called Azealia Banks, referred to as a rapper, has stated that she wants to f___ the president. I wonder what would happen if JZ stated that he wanted to f____ Michele Obama [Barack would be horrified and Michele would be on the first plane to LA].  Ok, bad example.  What if Bill Maher said he wanted to f___ Michele Obama. [Michelle would be on the first plane to NYC].  Ok, I give up, but you get the idea.

ABC is reviving The Muppet Show. Gee, I thought they already had with Beat the Press. Shows what I know.