Special Budget Theater Fraud Report

In a complete shock to no one, the budget farce was passed by Congress.

Every time it's the same thing: debt theater. They should all be removed from their jobs and forced to pay for what they voted for.

• the debt ceiling was suspended til 2025, so the thieves can continue to plunder and raise the debt even further.
• think I'm over the top? Per the article  "This allows them to pay their bills until that date and know that the next fight over raising the ceiling will not interfere with the presidential election."
• shockingly, the only clear winner was the Military Industrial Complex, with $886 billion.
• Biden agreed to cut $20bn from the $80bn to the IRS, but divert that cash to other non-defence spending. President Giveaway strikes again.

No mention of the other pork loaded into this mess, but rest assured, it's there. If nothing else, they can spend us further into debt and avoid responsibility for it. Life is good if you're a thief politician. It's not like anyone will find them liable for their actions. Forward this to your friends. And enemies. And Congress(I already said enemies). 

Don't you wish you could play with your debt and suspend it for a few years?

They're clowns and criminals. I don't know who voted for them, but it sure as hell wasn't me.

HOLD. THEM. RESPONSIBLE.

Read All About It - Special MAGA Tries to Outclass Congress issue!

Representative democracy took a giant leap forward, and backward, when Trump supporters invaded DC. 

The man who attacked Nancy Pelosi's desk apologized profusely when arrested. He took full blame for misunderstanding Trump's plea for support. "Yes, he said to come to DC and support democracy. For some reason I thought he said to breach Congress and whiz on the Speaker's desk. I am frightfully sorry and will apologize to Speaker Pelosi personally after they use the defibrillator to bring her to life."

Capitol Police, when asked about the ridiculously lax security, said they didn't expect anything to happen. "Besides... we thought everyone was home, fretting over Kim/Kanye...."  When asked why Security was hiding in a closet, they said "They have guns! And besides - we've never had more than 2 people ask to be let in."

During the shameful, destructive display on the floor of Congress, the miscreants got more done than Congress in the last 8 years. Several states are insisting on no prosecution because they haven't seen this level of progress since the Old Days.

BLM and Antifa are wildly jealous, asking why they didn't think of this.

One protester, somewhat disoriented, stole Pence's bible. Another went to do some manual adjustments on McConnell's face, but didn't have the heart, after what someone did to Mitch a few weeks back. Another insisted on riding his tricycle up and down the halls, stopping only to have his diaper changed. A small group stalled when they couldn't spell MAGA.

While performing Congressional Mayhem, some of Congress stopped a few of them to discuss getting a few of their bills through committee. If there's anything the MAGAs know, it's the law. This did not play well with the democrats, who kept shouting they should have their guns confiscated (from behind bulletproof glass, with their armed guards). The MAGoids had to be reminded that just because you hang a few democrats on the wall by their clothes doesn't make it art. Also not art is making fart sounds with your underarms, penis puppets, handing copies of the Constitution to Congress, or asking for naked selfies with the First Lady. Plans for a food fight fell through when the republicans were holding their own and already had the room booked.

For his safety, VP Pence was spirited away to a local vegan restaurant, where no one would ever find him. Congress suggested that the president shelter in Afghanistan.

The mayor ordered the entire invading army arrested for not wearing masks or socially distancing. As they were being hauled off, they became confused, because peaceful protesting was ok when BLM/Antifa did it.

The president posted a video, asking for peace and telling people to go home, but Faceyspaces and Twitter removed it.

Also enraged were the Iranis, who threatened to fly a plane into DC. Their entire threat was overshadowed and they're very mad at Trump's supporters.

Space Shuttle Curbside Pickup

as featured on nuts.com

Your love is like intestinal parasites

They're watching a show on how things are made, called How It's Made.

HIM: that's an interesting weld

HER: is he wearing corduroys?

HIM: Wow, that's a lot of work

HER: is that a girl or a boy?

HOST: There are 2 huge logs there. A coffin must go between them because it's the most logical thing. Well sure, whenever I see logs I think coffin. This used to get me in all sorts of trouble in the Boy Scouts.

Words To Go Away in 2021

Easy peasy, EPic, EV-er, game changer, covid, cauliflower

Today I identtify as  road salt

Something's up. Sometimes you gotta be pretty observant to catch things and this time I'm on it. I'm usually pretty oblivious, but I smell something.... there are Christmas decorations in view and it's not even Christmas yet. Santas and snowmen. Why would decorations appear when normal people put them up? I'm particularly fond of the decapitated Santa and if asked to fix it, I'll claim I can't. Yeah, something's up. Next thing you know there will be a tree....

Flying AIDS News

REVEALED: Every single US state is being advised to consider ethnic minorities as critical groups for vaccination with HALF prioritizing black and Hispanic residents over white.    

The military leader of Operation Warp Speed, Gen. Gustave Perna, said Saturday that he takes sole responsibility for last week’s confusion over the allotment of the Pfizer-BioNTech Covid-19 vaccine to states...   the military leader?  

Muslims are concerned over the halal status of the vaccine.   Ok, don't get it.

 A record 621 people died of drug overdoses in San Francisco so far this year, a staggering number that far outpaces the 173 deaths from COVID-19 the city has seen thus far.    If Narcan cured the Flying AIDS, we'd be in great shape!

Chaotic scenes as Londoners try to escape the city before midnight lockdown. Police deployed to prevent non-essential journeys.   Restriction of movement... enforced by police.  If it's in London, it's on its way to the US.

Watch out... the republicans and democrats have agreed on something.... this is never good. Whenever they agree, it's going to cost you dearly. This time it's a $900 billion stimulus. Your children and grandchildren will pay for this, with no one to bail them out.

President-elect Biden was given the vaccine today. They told him it was a Special Presidential Shot and gave him a lollipop.

My mom's health aide just got diagnosed with the Flying AIDS.

Mom's doctor hasn't seen fit to order a test. I suspect he printed his own diploma.

We're not sure if there will be another aide.

And I was there today.

Having trouble with last minute shopping? Too many people in your way? Can't get at the deals? Do I have the answer for you: COUGH. Sneeze. Blow your nose. I guarantee you a personal space radius of 55'.  You'll get right to the front of the checkout line and the stampede in the other direction will be good for a few laughs too.

The $900 billion package will send $600 to each adult in the household and $600 for each dependent, all earning below $75,000, and $150,000 for married couples. It will cost $166 billion. Workers would be eligible for $300 per week federal unemployment subsidy. Also rental assistance, child care providers, and Head Start program. The largest percentage. $325 billion, goes to small businesses. Don't forget broadband and banks that serve low-income and minority communities, because cable and banks contributed to Congress' campaigns. $15 billion to airline salaries and benefits. You elected these people.

The snow is slowly going away, no thanks to the clouds, which do their best daily to hide the sun. The miserable drizzle does something to help, but by the time it hits the snow/ice, it freezes because of the cold. If nothing else, it creates fun, watching people slide and fall on their asses. Ass injuries are up %54, according to a statistic I just made up, and vie for emergency room space formerly taken up by the Flying AIDS. So please take care of your ass, and hospitals can treat the Flying AIDS.

Dear lefty 

• Why do you do this week after week, year after year?
• because my wife tells me I'm funny... but she has to, or I'll start to chew the furniture and hump the neighbors garden gnomes...

The Russia hack has been declared an 'act of war.'

The NSA and CIA are putting together a retaliation strategy that includes

• bricking Putin's Bluetooth toothbrush
• with the help of Bill Gates, changing their Windows 10 to Chinese language
• sending over the Flying AIDS vaccine
• declaring Biden the winner of the last election- we'll tell him it's a free vacation
• sending planes full of Internet of Things devices
• sending Ron Jeremy 

I get nothing.

I am not a member of any loud minority group. Even if I identified as black, my shiny white visage would put a stop to that immediately.  I am so pale, there are many parts of my body that have never seen the sun.

I don't get preference, I don't get Free Stuff<tm>, I don't get to peacefully protest by burning down my own neighborhood (or anyone else's), I don't get to make demands of cities or countries. I don't get tests made more stupid because I can't pass them. I can't produce guilt in the majority to get what I want. I've never even blocked off a street to make my demands known.

Perhaps in a few years, CIS hetero white males will become a minority, then I can make demands and get hired for the lack of color in my skin. Maybe my graffiti will become city-sanctioned. Songs will be written about the plight of the crackers. College students will strike (like that's hard to instigate).

My ancestors came from Europe (I think), but that's not an accepted oppressed group. I'm sure at some point, at some time, someone oppressed and slaughtered them. 

I've been working really hard on the left handed thing, but can't get a drop of sympathy from the masses. At 10% of humanity, this means 90% of the world is against us - that should be enough to garner some notice. Nope. PARITY brothers and sisters!

I could bat for the other team, but that would put quite a crimp in my sex life. You see, I don't like men that way and I've got quite a thing for women (get it?).

Wait...it's starting to come to me.....  Black Latinx Trans Lesbians for Allah! We can meet in a synagogue, then burn it down in protest of our oppression. This is why I make the Big Bucks (and put out this award-winning blog)! 

• Very funny, Dear. She thought if she put a Fender logo on the vacuum, I'd use it more.

SJW Strokes 

The $54k per year posh Dalton school (K-12) has developed an anti-racist manifesto, including hiring of 12 full time diversity officers and psychologists to support students "coping with race-based traumatic stress" and abolishing high-level academic courses by 2023 if the performance of black students is not on par with non-blacks.

Readers:

It's almost Christmas. If you can, do something for people in your area who have been hit hard by the Flying AIDS. Donate to a fund or a church that's handing out aid. Help hand out aid. Help your friends on the block. Didn't Bill and Ted say "Be excellent to each other"?

Captivity - Day 58 Frank - here's your house back

I'm not stupid, but I can do a reasonably good impression, but there are 2 things for which I have to call in the Marines (better known as Mrs lefty). The first is cereal. As a kid, none of us had a problem getting the boxes open, even to the point of taking the treat out before our siblings got it.  We never failed (except for the only children, who got everything they wanted all the time anyway).

The long and short of it is that I open the box - no problem - I open the plastic - no problem - and I pour in in the bowel - problem. If my quantum physics class
finds about this, I'll be the laughingstock of Bob's Basement School of Quantum Physics, plus they won't let me wear the propeller hat for 2 weeks.

Determined to find the solution, I apply brains (hopefully not my own) to the problem. I get either nothing or everything. I tried a very long, very sharp knife, which succeeded in opening the plastic enclosure all the way across. Nothing. I tried pouring with shaking. No luck. I tried jumping up and down. Only a warning from Mrs lefty. Using what was left of my gray matter I finally figured it out: the cereal companies found out they could save $0.004 per box by not gluing the plastic to it. Unless I have the terminal mesh and talc causes cancer lawyers, I will never get the plastic glued to the box.

I know you're bored. Most of the world is bored.
Even the aliens are bored. The secret is that they know what we're up to and the loser had to keep an eye on us before we blow up the neighborhood. We're a danger to most universes.

One thing you can do when your bored is watch the commercial for My Pillow and try to imitate his very silly Minnesota accent.

In addition to my Very Large Problem with getting cereal out of the box, there is one that's even larger, because everybody can see it: putting bags into bags. Although it's possible I was bitten by a bag when I was little, the doctors don't think so. Mrs lefty gives me a small bag and instructs me to put it in the larger trash bag. This is where things start to get ugly. If there are guests, I start to sweat. I hear the voices of my ancestors, laughing and pointing, saying what a dumkopf he is, look at him!. In spite of this positive reinforcement, I put on my Brave Face and have a go at it. Naturally I fail, which is when the laughter starts. I try again: the end of one bag won't go inside the end of the other bag, even though it's 4x as large. Even Mrs lefty laughs at me, while taking the bag back and easily putting it in the larger bag, while I watch, as if it were magic.

The doctors are not concerned about the dream where I wake up with no clothes, addressing Congress.... this is the one they want to discuss...



There's a tv show featuring collectors, with different collections. Today's is a Star Wars collection. The pretty lady next to the collector is not his SO - it's his mom. Mom has bought him all sorts of collector's pieces. He even has a eral-life Spock figure. Little Stanley obviously needs a job. Mom needs to get little Stanley a hooker. Can you say enabler? Little Stanley probably can. He has a billboard. A billboard.


I was out of my mind (further) because Dairy Queen closed early. All I wanted was a malt. Judging by the 32 person socially-distanced line, I wasn't the only one.

Sometimes You're Just a Fish on a Telephone Pole

Twas the day of Christmas, and all through the house
Only one of us was stirring, with no computer mouse.

One of the many wonderful things about living together is the traditions you develop. Over the many years, we've developed many traditions. So there are a lot of traditions but no standards.

I just got done 'putting up' the tree.
It's a good 7' tall.
How did I get it in the house, you ask?
I dragged it, in pieces, from my lovely neighbor, who had a few too many. I don't know if she has a religious issue and likes to keep a lot of them, just in case, or she has a mental issue and likes to keep a lot of them. just in case. This one came in a box, which is a great way to transport your tree home.

I put it together, excited because the lights were already there and wired. My main experience was one of dust. In the basement, from where I carried it. Somebody didn't close the box and it got kinda dusty.

When I say it stood 7' tall, I mean when properly assembled and without the top section leaning over at a 30 degree angle.  At least it had lights. Well, it would have lights, as soon as I could find an outlet. I knew there were lights plugged in last time, so there had to be an outlet.. I just couldn't find it. I can't find an elephant in an empty parking lot. I located one outlet, but the active sparking  dissuaded me.

When I say it had lights, I mean it had lights on the top half. The ones on the bottom half didn't work. I looked around for loose wiring, fearing one bad bulb, which took the entire bottom string out. I found one plug sitting there, but nothing to plug into it. It's 2019, I thought.. plug 2 females together! Better not. I found the male half, plugged it in, and was graced by absolutely nothing. No lights. It's probably mad at me for hate in not letting 2 female plugs go together.

So we have a fake tree, with lights on the top half, no colored lights, no blinkies, and the top bit is leaning left at a 30 degree angle. It's like a Charlie Brown Christmas, but with a larger tree. And fuck it - it's ours!

Unfortunately it's blocking 1 of the 2 windows that let light into the house. There are no others. The house was built in a quantum field, across several multiverses, so when it's rotated 90 degrees, then 180 degrees, sun never shines through the windows. They could have saved thousands by not putting windows in.

There are huge, decoration-like thingies in the window, which were not there on the Eve. Some are red/green, some are blue/white. Blue is generally for Hanukkah, which, I believe, is not celebrated in the house. But very little surprises me.

So there's a very strange and malformed tree on Christmas day, blocking the window; plus decorations hung late Christmas Eve, while I was entertaining in bed without an audience, via my Mattress Dancing, laughing, and random screaming.

You have no idea how happy I am. This is a 102% improvement over last year, when the tree continued its failure to come out of the box and the ornaments weren't even a thought (except buying new ones to replace the long-smashed ones). The year before was the year the kit tree arrived, so we didn't remove it from its box out of respect. The decorations were thought about, but remained true to the tree and never left their boxes (including the new ones, which were piled near where the tree usually goes, where no one would find them).

There would be presents, but I don't think anybody got around to buying them. The presents are for the (internal) kids, who love Christmas, the Leaning Tree of Pennsylvania, and decorations that materialize overnight. Maybe Santa brought them. Maybe Satan - who knows. I know there must be presents, as there are a ton of unopened brown shipping boxes all over the place (Fedex has a truck parked out front from November til Christmas). Since I do the wrapping, maybe most of the gifts are in the basement from the last few years. Unfortunately we sent someone down there last year to search for the past few years' gifts and never actually heard back from him... I'm feeling a little sick... perhaps I need a break.

The great thing about dissociation is what we call Christmas all year around. You can literally wrap the same presents over and over, and they're new each time!

I specifically ask that no one get me anything. Although it sounds a bit Bah Humbug-y, it's better this way. I'm a little off the beaten path (really?), so people don't know what to get me. This results in the most bizarre gifts... cologne. Sports Stuff. Wrong size t-shirts (from my mom). Things made from apples (I'm allergic). A set of postcards picturing outhouses (ok, that was cool). Beer (don't drink). Surgical tools (I pass out at the sight of blood). Barbie car seat covers. Underwear (women's... hey). A welding kit (used). Gasoline purity tester (they want me to be safe before I drink). And a ten foot pole, for trying to wake Wife up before the late afternoon. My Christmas stocking came with a garter belt (I stopped asking years ago). The dog got a ton of stuff, including many valuable stuffed animals belonging to the wife.

The children were all snug in their beds, because it was 2:00.
2:00pm.
I'm awake because we're supposed to go to the family party. She's asleep because it's her family. I spend most of my time there hiding from loud children. And loud adults. The nicest present I ever got was my own panic room there, that I can sit in and not be bothered, while still getting credit for showing up. I say hello to most family members first - do you think I'm rude? This is what happens when you put 73 people in a house designed for 5, and put out 4 chairs.

There sure are a lot of dogs there, which means I have someone to talk to, but Penny, and before her, Marshall, couldn't go because they don't like dogs.  Just a chip off the old block... I don't like some of their owners. Besides... when I don't hide, after a while, Wife signals that I'm doing that thing she doesn't like... what was it... oh yeah - talking.  It's becoming more tolerable, though. The adults talk and everyone under 30 stares at their cell phones. Some of them are texting each other. These will be the first people to get the Brain Chip.

My family is doing something too. I'll be damned if I know what it is. They stopped inviting me after the sheep incident (don't ask). I only get invited when I'm standing there and someone else says the party will be a lot of fun. They turn to me and say, "Oh. We're having a party. Last minute. Open house. You can come. Leave the dog at home - you have no idea what she does to the deer."

I'm expecting a new guitar.
I won't get one, but I'm expecting it.

In his mercy, my boss gave me time off. I got half of Christmas day this year!
What have I done with it?
Brought up the xmas tree, mowing down everything in its path. Waited for everyone to get up. And typed this shit.
If this ain't an existential crisis in the making, I don't know what is.

In answer to my Existential Agita, it came to me yesterday... my place in all this.
I work to make sure everyone else gets presents.
Like some sort of warped Santa Claus.
One that's not particularly jolly.


UPDATE:
Mrs lefty has a headache so bad, Mussolini named a child after it.
Ain't goin' nowhere.

UPDATE to the UPDATE:
In violation of my strict No Gift Policy<tm>, a very nice child got me a set of wireless ear podlike thingies. The thing that concerns me is that they came out as Apple products, so my android phone may reject them.





Credit where it's due: last summer Mother Nature did a tremendous job on sunshine - we had lots of it. Now that we're back in Cold Season, we're back to 6 days of rain per week. People are jumping off buildings.

For some strange reason, it's sunny out today.  Then cloudy. Then sunny again. I walked to the window only to discover it was sunny, but it was also snowing. I hate it here.  I have no problem with Arizona's 100+ degrees with little humidity and no clouds.




The army put together a group to study Remote Viewing, as documented in the movie "Men Who Stare at Goats." In short, remote viewing allows a person to 'see' something that's somewhere else, from their chair. I hear you can also view things from times other than current.  The only problem is that you are not viewing things like a picture; you're getting impressions of features. Richard Dolan, ufo researcher and author, interviews Tracey Dolan (his wife) on remote viewing (she's a viewer). This is not a conspiracy theory - it's documented fact, and most people have the ability to do it, with a little training.

• Why are there now emojis on email subject lines? This must be stopped.

Dear lefty:

• I heard you are lactose intolerant.
• I am generally intolerant; this includes lactose.

The FBI has gone far out of character lately, first warning people over the evils of smart tv privacy leakage, and now the risks behind using free wifi while traveling. The FBI is perfectly correct on both issues, which should also take you aback. But we need to know why, all of the sudden, this is being let loose. I think that they're jealous of the other organizations who steal your data. They have an intrinsic belief that all of your data is theirs and others getting it first disturbs them to their core. Old J. Edgar is spinning in his grave (in a nice, taffeta ball gown).

• Finland offered its citizens a free crash course in AI to educate them. They're translating it and will put it online for everyone else shortly.
• A government educating its people. 
• WAR ON FINLAND! We cannot have this sort of thing happening in the world.
• Somewhere in America's northeast, Bernie got his first hardon in 25 years and has no idea why.

If you need a quick laugh, and who doesn't, read this little ditty on Faceyspaces, lawmakers, location tracking, and 'certain security functions.' The sheer creativity, legalese, and attempts to appear innocently stupid are breathtaking.

Today I identify as  a black female Jewish lesbian for Christ, atheist division

"Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts." - Frank Zappa

Sitting around, shoveling popcorn into my mouth, I was shocked to discover popcorn on the floor. I missed my mouth. I didn't think that was physically possible.

• Wondering about Gatwick Airport's drone issue? Listen to the police commander's version.

It's my unfortunate end-of-year responsibility to bring you the worst passwords list. Hint: 123456 is still #1.  Are you guilty? How much shaming will it take to get you to use a more secure password? It takes nothing extra but provides more security.

• Remember the PinePhone - the $150 phone that will run open source operating systems and not steal your data? The very early review is in.
• Reminder: this is incredibly early in the process. Only suitable for developers at present. Actually using it as a phone/text isn't ready for prime time. When it is, the phone will be formidable. I'll have at least one. Goodbye, Goog!

Heroes of the Stupid

Rise of Skywalker falls short of predecessors. Ranks as the lowest opening of the most recent three films in the saga.  Gee, ya think 9457 sequels has run its course? It's Schadenfreude Day, folks!



SJW Sickness

A researcher who lost her job at a think tank after tweeting that transgender women cannot change their biological sex has lost a test case because her opinions were deemed to be “absolutist”.  The judge said her social media posts/opinion were 'not worthy of respect in democratic society'.

This is a perfect example of the slippery slope of speech in England. This lady's views, posted on social media - not at her job, offended people, therefore they are not worthy of respect and not rehiring her was just fine and legal. Her views had less than zero merit. You don't have to agree or disagree with her to have concern over where this is going.


ACLU calls for tampons in men's rooms in order to achieve 'menstrual equality'
The date on the article was not April 1 and Fox isn't known for this sort of gag.

On the other hand, Menstrual Equality is a bitchin' name for a band.

F- Off, I'm Having a Bad Day

Well, I'm not, but that fellow in England who just got pulled over by the nice policeman probably is.

That phrase was on a bumper sticker. The nice policeman kept pointing out that this was no good; somebody could take offense (offence in Britain). So it had to come off.

The US has no shortage of issues with hurt feelings but the First Amendment covers us, sort of. We're not all that concerned about someone taking a fence. It's astounding to me. Also astounding is the absolute look of shock in the eyes of the police when someone says a bad word. They threaten to arrest them for Public Order. Citizens of England: you better stop this before your government outlaws offensive thoughts.




ThermionicEmissions has been here approximately seven years.
Time flies when you're... ummm... here.

No Idea Where I Am

The above phrase denotes location, and when there's a location issue, we just know another Garmin Rant<tm> is coming.

And we're right!

First we went guitar and device shopping. This is traditionally a total failure, and we were not disappointed. With hundreds of guitars all over the walls, there were three low line lefties. That is par for the course, so it wasn't a big deal. I spent my time looking for deals on amplifiers and pedals, none of which presented themselves to me as a deal or a must-have.

So it was the wife's turn to shop, but we weren't sure where the store was. Hey, let's ask the Garmin.

The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I joked about what happened the last time I used the Garmin... it tends to make me very angry. As the address went into the infernal device, it appeared that I was not the only person upset by the Little Black Box from Hell. It couldn't find the listing for the store. Every other store, yes; this one, no.

Why didn't you use a different device, like maybe your phone, you ask. Good question. The answer is that last time we used three different devices, all of which tried to make us drive into the water, to a different state.

Finally the address came up and we were off.  Really far off.
The long and short of the trip was that it was two turns down the road. This will be pretty easy to remember for next time, if there is a next time.

The five minute trip took a total of one hour.

The Garmin told us to go down the street a bit and make a right at "Street". I don't know about you, but I'm willing to bet there are no streets in the state called Street. There is a Street Road (no, really), but it was about an hour away. So we took a guess and turned onto Street. Went to the end. It told us to make a left. Into a parking garage. I'm a good sport, so I made a left into the parking garage, thinking we were taking a shortcut through the garage. Heh heh.

Following the EXIT signs, we came out exactly where we were when the black box told us to make a left (into the parking lot). My temperature was headed up. As the navigator, her job was to procure the directions and communicate them at less volume than a 767 taking off, or a Slayer concert, whichever is louder. The literal temperature in the car went up twenty degrees. The passengers had become quiet because they sensed war, and trusted the Garmin almost as much as we did.

I headed them off at the pass, but was foiled at every intersection by stop signs that only applied to me. Before you go thinking that my mind has finally gone south due to extreme paranoia, I must explain that we were in a large shopping complex, with complex turns. All stores were outside, like a long, winding, tortuous mall without a roof. The stop signs were all pointed at mall traffic, not street traffic, so we had to wait for street traffic to stop. The joke was on us... the street traffic never stopped.

Visually, we had one long block to go. Timewise, we might have been home before we got the length of the block. The little black box that caused explosions outside it was so friendly as to let us know to make a turn onto "Street" at the end of the block. We persevered until Street. What are the odds that a state would have two Streets within yards of each other? Thirty minutes later, I pulled the car into a handicapped spot. In lieu of a handicapped tag, I just left the Garmin hanging from the mirror, tied like a noose. The police would understand.


I'm here for your pleasure. Someone should derive pleasure from my misfortunes. Also my fortunes, should they ever occur. Statistically, they will, but statistics are pretty bad on the when. According to the many statisticians who read this blog, fortune will in fact occur; definitely by the time I am unable to type or change my diapers.

The universe is a strange place. The Universe really gets off on screwing with people, under the guise of helping them. Everything is related, according to Dirk Gently, and many other people who like phrases. The problem here is that one has to put this cryptic system together until it makes sense. This is virtually impossible, given phrases like "you will know then" and "maintaining operational readiness." It's like the bible, Shakespeare, and what the dead allegedly say to the living. It makes absolutely no sense and you're left wondering why they can't simply explain it to you in English. Because that would ruin all the fun.

Although I too can't understand the bible, Shakespeare and the dead, sometimes I see the results.... usually in hindsight, like a smack upside the head with a small foreign car. The car always loses.

So in hindsight, I figured out why I couldn't find anything to spend money on at the guitar shop: my idiot employer submitted incorrect information and I now have a tax bill that would purchase many guitars.

Stop laughing - it gets better. This bill was for a few years ago. Every year I'm going to get another bill until this clears up. You may now continue laughing. I haven't had this much fun since the IRS failed to steal enough of my money in taxes and I came up with a bill that made my head spin around and spit pea soup. And then I got mad. I actually upset the IRS, as they told my wife when she spoke to them.

One of the truisms in life is that you can't fight city hall. In fact, you can't even get in touch with city hall. I called and was put on hold but assured that their best people would be with me as soon as they were done assisting other customers.  I was assured of this repeatedly over the next thirty minutes, right up until the message changed... "We are open til five o'clock. Please call back during business hours." [CLICK].

They honestly felt bad for me, so they sent me an envelope. In it was their sincere apology and a high-level personal contact to help move this along.  Of course I'm kidding.. it was another bill, with another stack of money added in for interest, Getting Hung Up On Fee, Calling on a Friday Fee, and Affixing Postage to the Envelope Fee.

By this time, I had stopped spitting pea soup and went to blood instead. Whose blood was not important at the time. I went to call them, because it worked so well last time (see the theme here?). There was one phone number, for payments. I dug around and found another number. All circuits were busy.  BUSY? What is this - 1980? Did we overwhelm the entire city's phone network? Or was the phone company also given the day off for the Eagles parade (2 days early)?

Speaking of which, there is a public transportation lottery to see who will be allowed to board public transportation to the parade. Entire stations will be closed and bypassed. With public and parochial schools closed, people taking off work, denizens of the area, and people working in the area taking 'extended lunches', it should be a real blast. I'll probably be the only one at work.



Great.. now I've depressed myself.
But in a sadly amused and creative way.

• Sometimes stuff seems so obvious that I scream at the tv screen or the computer monitor because they're so stupid. A perfect example was the aforeblogged news story about the government UFO secret program that studied UFOs for a few years. As I pointed out, we've been studying UFOs since at least 1947, probably longer. The facts are not hidden at all.
• Another ridiculous excuse handed out by SETI and others is lifeforms from so incredibly far away could never visit us because it would take several forevers to get here. This sounds like an acceptable answer, provided you don't think about it for longer than about ten seconds. Forgive my fuzziness on the topic but there is a thing called the Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which is essentially a wormhole. Obviously we can't test it just now, but it's a theory, and that Einstein fellow sure was bright. I think it's safe to assume that aliens can be thousands or millions of years ahead of us, so isn't it possible they have the Einstein-Rosen thing figured out - or its replacement?
• Keep in mind I'm not saying that the unidentified flying things seen in the air contain alien life. I'm just countering more than one excuse at a time.
• Take a moment. Get to your Quiet Space. Now imagine handing an android tablet to Ben Franklin. What would he do with it? Would he be able to understand and operate it?
• It's exhausting, always being right.

Good News/Bad News

Congress just put together a budget.

The good news:

• Congress just put together a budget.
• it is a bipartisan effort

The news you were expecting:

• It will require one more stopgap bill to keep the government allegedly running until March
• It will last two years
• It will add $380 TRILLION to our spending
• It will require Congress to increase the debt limit, as the bottom-dwelling self-serving scum-sucking subhumans do every budget, along with stalling.
• Congress wants to thank you for all the cards, letters, and good wishes, and would like you to know that their free healthcare will continue, with no deductibles or copayments, forever, despite any other healthcare crisis that the entire country may or may not be experiencing.

The commentary:

• One republican said he won't vote for it even if President Trump calls him and asks for his vote (somebody read The Art of the Deal ).
• Nancy Pelosi said there was no way she'd vote for it and gave a multi-hour filibuster on why president... uhh.. .Bush.. no.. Obama.. was wrong for this country, especially considering the healthcare crisis for Uranus. Furthermore, the rain in plane stays currently on the can, which affects the brain flowers that cause ammoniamentia in puppies.
• The president got more money for the Pentagon. So, you know, we'll all be safer. Unless, of course, we work in the Pentagon and a small drone happens to crash into it, producing four entire frames of video.
• The dems got more money for social causes, like the opioid crisis, because throwing tons of money at problems always fixes them.
• The country and future generations got screwed, so no change there.

If at first you don't succeed, being awake may not be for you.

• So there's this new, magic technology that can put faces on bodies, in decent, believable quality video. Naturally this has been adopted by porn, so a celebrity face goes on a porn star body. This is called Deepfake. As much fun as this sounds, the spoilsports at Reddit, Twtter, and Pornhub have banned them. The social networks are doing what you'd expect, but when adult sites do it, you know the legal team has had their say. To be fair, we get this.

A gender equality campaigner from London has received general praise from men and women on the internet for having a 'smashing pair of tits.' A Faceyspaces occupant posted gender equality content on her page and within an hour, had 2,000 comments that she had a stupendous set of mammalian protuberances.

If the picture in the article is the person mentioned, the commenters are dead on. Even straight women are commenting in a positive fashion. I never suspected how wonderful social media could be.  Had this happened in America, there would be rampant aneurysms in collegiate circles, fainting, and Unbelievable Outrage all over social media. In response, there would be Unbelievable Hilarity from the Social Media Joy Squad, having a poke at the Fainting Feminists. It makes great reading.

As this is in England, the commentors had better watch out, because you can be hauled down to the pokey for making 'rude' comments. Wouldn't want to offend anybody Over There, would we?

• Digressing for a moment (as usual), Philadelphia Police have stopped showing up for run of the mill crimes. The only sure way to bring them around is to say 'gun' in your call.
• In England, it would appear that bringing the police becomes a much easier feat if you tell them that people are hurling racial slurs out in the open. It appears that the worst crime you can commit is hurting someone's feelings.
• Keep in mind that my England knowledge comes from Monty Python and, for current day information, English police shows.

• You simply can't out-parody reality department: Antifa disrupts Swedish  LGBT parade because 'Gays are offensive to Muslims...'
• It would appear that this worldwide anti-fascist group is behaving in a fascist manner. The irony is obviously lost on them.

President Trump has addressed the National Prayer Breakfast, because screw the First Amendment - we need to prove we're holy. At least to court the religious backers.

• Just in case you were bored, Richard Pryor's widow tells us that Richard slept with Marlon Brando. “It was the ’70s!” she said. “Drugs were still good, especially quaaludes. If you did enough cocaine, you’d f–k a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.” Read this - it's great.

Spirit Airlines suggested a passenger flush her emotional support hamster down the loo. Spirit wouldn't allow the rodent on the plane, even though the student checked in advance. They deny saying it.  Meanwhile, United Airlines is partying because it wasn't them this time.

I can't say more: my emotional support elephant is getting very upset.

• Upset because they haven't been in the news for anything stupid this week, California announced it will block the transportation of petroleum from new offshore oil rigs, a Trump administration program.
• California just won the award for most congested driving. I am going to consult for the California Department of Transportation. Although I will pad my services out for several years, the award-winning proposition will be writing TRUMP on the dirt of the trucks that bring fuel into California. In less than a day, there will be no gasoline in the entire state, hence no traffic. I'll make millions!

This security researcher decided to set up her apartment as a Smart Home. With a little help from her friend, she set up monitoring to see what the devices collected and where they sent it to. Before you die of suspense, every device collected information and sent it upstream to the manufacturer and marketers. Precisely as I said. But you should read the article anyway, to get an idea of how everything worked. The conclusion is very interesting too, although it wouldn't exactly be mine.

I'm not sure how I'd set things up if these devices were in  my house. If you stop your data from being sent, you won't get updates for the devices. The data, meanwhile, builds a profile of what you do and when. What time you're home. Exactly what you watched on tv and when. Pictures of you (and the baby), walking around, possibly naked or half-dressed. Maybe using the couch for something other than sitting.

The truly sad part is that in 1984 (the book), you watched the tv and the tv watched you. Your smart tv is already watching you. You might put cameras in the house too; at this point, you've already done the spy agencies' job for them.   The devices promise, and sometimes deliver, convenience. Why is the paranoid lunatic from that blog so against the Internet of Things? Sure I'd like a few.. but the downside isn't worth it. Take a moment and think about that.

Not addressed here is the fact that the majority of IoT devices are insecure by design, so 'others' can potentially see what you're doing.

• Elon Musk launched a rocket. A private firm. This is pretty big. If it continues, we may infect surrounding planets with our presence. If there was any time for the aliens to make themselves known, it's probably now.
• There is documented history of nuclear weapons being interfered with, concurrent with unknown aerial objects at close range. This is information only - you're free to do the research and draw your own conclusions.

A local concert venue just let me know tickets are on sale for Tony Bennett and Gov't Mule. Hopefully not at the same time.

• Look.. if I don't turn you into a raving acutely aware person, let some scientists do it: A team of scientists from around the world confirmed millions of viruses rising into the atmosphere, traveling — sometimes for thousands of miles — and falling back down to the surface. All of the sudden, agoraphobia is starting to sound pretty good, isn't t?

Uh-oh.

Male dogs win the Westminster dog show almost twice as often as females.

Hollywood is now wearing brown, in sympathy with fur. All colleges are now on strike for gender equality and demanding that male dogs be excluded from the show.

• Covered up by OXFAM, the charity's rescue workers paid refugees for sex, while helping in earthquake-torn Haiti.
• The US military has been said to be almost an invading force to women in countries where they are stationed. I'd say OXFAM is a giant step up: they actually compensated the people they had sex with.  This provided the prostitutes a job amid all the destruction and kept volunteer morale up, so to speak. Win-win.

A Three Hour Tor

TOR, otherwise known as The Onion Router, is a reasonably secure internet platform. When I say reasonably secure, I mean it's safe to route all of your traffic through it, but if you have incredibly sensitive information, you run a risk of being discovered. That aside, Snowden and Assange use it and the NSA is having trouble spying on it (but still manages). The safest way is to boot from and use the Tails operating system. The link has some good basic information on TOR. You can try it out with the TOR browser. Download the browser here. It's Firefox, so you already know how to use it. Give it a shot. Try not to install any extensions/addons because some of them leak information, rendering the browser unsafe.

• Over 460 models of HP laptops come complete with a keylogger. This means that every letter you type could be logged. Fortunately, this 'feature' is disabled by default. It exists in the touchpad driver. If anybody gets access to the computer, they can turn the keylogger on.

The FDA has approved a pill with an embedded sensor that can report when it is swallowed.  This is very interesting and, as I understand it, only one pill. Let's put on our Thermionic Tin Foil Hats.  Any invasive technology tends to come disguised as a benefit: 

• "Oh - we'll know if Gramma took her medicine!"
• "Stupid drug addict brother didn't take his methadone today."
• "Yes, as you know, Doctor, I took my meds, but I'm still hearing the voices. They do not like you."

The pill sends a signal to a patch, which sends the information to an app on your phone. You can send the results to a number of people if you like. How is this wrong? Let me count the ways...

• Bluetooth: hackable in the vicinity
• Sensor: is it really safe n your body? Do you really need it? 
• App: fitness apps and most others transmit information up the line to the software's author, advertising, and Google or Apple.
• No one really needs your information.

British television seems to consist largely of a bunch of overstuffed people sitting on an overstuffed couch, talking about nothing but using a lot of words to get there. No wonder they like some of our shows (Seinfeld).

• Over thirty email clients, including webmail, have a pretty serious flaw that will allow a Bad Guy to spoof the FROM address convincingly. Read this to see if yours is affected. Several were fixed before the flaw was announced.

In the 1980s, AT&T asked a consultant to estimate how many cell phones would be in use in the world by 2000. They concluded the total market would be 900,000 units. This persuaded AT&T to pull out of the market. By 2000, there were 738 million people with cellphone subscriptions. So close....

• a thirteenth human foot was found washed up on Canada's west coast. No one is sure why this happens but no foul play is suspected. No foul play? How many appendages, organs, and severed heads have to wash up before foul play is suspected? And what happened to the fourteenth foot? Isn't Canada supposed to be friendly? Does this sort of thing go on all the time in British Columbia?

Time grows near for the FCC's decision on whether to keep or jettison the Net Neutrality rules. While they haven't explicitly stated it, the FCC really doesn't care what you think and has no problem clinking drinks with Big Business. After having found millions of fake comments on the topic, the FCC is blocking any investigation into the comments, which, incredibly, were from dead people and were against neutrality. Nothing at all is suggested by this wild coincidence.

• A bunch of years ago I went to a guitar show with a Gibson Custom Shop display. I asked the guy if they had ever built any lefty doublenecks. He said he was aware of four, and at that date, they would cost about $5,000. Right handed, of course, was less. Today I finally located a Custom Shop lefty Doubleneck on Ebay, for the bargain price of $8,000. Ok, everything this shop sells is pretty damn expensive, plus shipping from Asia. I'm sure I can get it cheaper by ordering locally.
• I know, I know, you don't care. But Jimmy Page plays one.
• We got what we wanted most for the holidays: Marshall, alive. Because of this, we've had to cancel Christmas.
• But a new guitar (or three) sure would be nice. 

Gibson Custom Shop lefty EDS-1275

In Road Wars, a British COPS-like show, they pulled a car over, checked the trunk, and found 'herbal cannabis'. Herbal, pronouncing the 'H'. When I was young, I did my share of substances, but I am not aware of any variety other than herbal. Did they invent some sort of Imitation Cannabis? Why in the universe do they call it cannabis when 'Pot' is one syllable?

One day on COPS, an officer found "some sort of green, leafy substance; possibly cannabis." Do police recruit from just one pool? Has someone been peeing in it again?

• A Harvard student recently made a bold public declaration, admitting that, while at a bar with friends one time, he talked about the attractiveness of the women in his class. What a brave man. If anybody overheard him, he'd be publicly lynched.

Researchers, which is a term for anyone having more than one account on a website, have estimated that up to one percent of sites on the web have been hacked. For those of us who like math (and I know no one who meets this description) that's about 10 in 1,000 of the most visited websites. This statistic proves nobody is above or immune to hacking, and you will probably visit one of these sites, if not the entire one percent.

• I have seen into the future. Come next June, a newspaper headline will read "America Saves Millions as Half of Congress Arrested for Pedophilia"

I Debate Your Position(s)

Reminder to change your Yahoo password. If you haven't, everybody else has it now.

• See that debate? Me either.  Useless pageantry. I can't stand the sound of two people lying. IIRC, Kennedy beat Nixon due to smoothness.
• There is a lot of arguing about who won the debate. Know who lost? The American people.

A very discrete, classy man was caught banging his girlfriend on a Greyhound bus. This is kind of the sort of thing one would expect from Greyhound, in addition to riding next to people who think they're Jesus or some other Major Religious Figure. Don't ask how I know. From the article, it's difficult to figure out whether the perceived offense is that he's having boom boom on a bus or that he didn't bother to pull her panties down. If the latter, I would argue that this is a much handier solution for a quickie on a public accommodation (or in someone's house where you shouldn't be). Of course this is all hearsay... I haven't been in this position. In fact, I haven't been in many positions, especially lately.

• The Bill Clinton Correlation: If it moves, nail it. If it doesn't move, nail it. And leave a stain to prove dominance.

Austrian customs officials found human intestines in a woman's luggage. She probably didn't know there were any laws against this sort of thing.

• In what must be a very important study, it was discovered that ants prefer morphine over sugar. As you'd expect, I'd go for sugar every time, as would the wife and dog.

If you us the Opera browser, the latest version includes a VPN.  This is a handy little security feature that will disguise your real IP address and location, as well as block tracking cookies. It can also allow you to get around some of the location-based blocking, such as the BBC allowing only UK to connect.

FINE PRINT: as the article explains, this is a VPN for the browser only. Anything else (email) you send through your connection will not go through the VPN. There's also the little matter of your data going through Opera's servers. I haven't been able to find anything on privacy policy or what/if they're examining anything. I did try it the other day and it works. Just don't go using it thinking you can hack away or Do Dirty Deeds while you're 'hidden'.

FINER PRINT: many browsers these days are based on Chrome (Iron, Chromium, Opera, and something new that begins with V). Chrome has a privacy issue, as it's Google code and it 'phones home'. Most people don't care, but naturally I do. Opera (and I believe the rest) are incredible memory hogs. They start ok then tend to suck up huge amounts of RAM over time. Ymmv but it IS a speedy little browser that accepts all Chrome extensions. I keep Firefox locked down and use Opera in a more open configuration.

• Here are 5 tools to help defend yourself online in terms of privacy. I use some different extensions but this is a great starting point. The EFF is a great resource.

Somehow reproductive scientists made a three-parent baby. What's next - group babies? Four parents and a dog? Giraffe babies bred specifically for basketball?

• Elon Musk, famous for being rich and having a very strange name and accent, announced that he wants to get humans to Mars, evenutally on a six month schedule. Mr Musk, I applaud you and have some suggestions on who to send.

Dancing with the Stars Live! is coming to a venue near me. I hope they have ambulances on hand to get help for the people slitting their own wrists.

• Dubai grounded all flights for half an hour because of unauthorized drone activity. Because it takes a special kind of idiot to fly a drone over an airport. I wonder if the special kind of idiot was us....

HEADLINE OF THE MONTH
An Australian man using a portable toilet on a building site was bitten by a venemous spider on his penis. For the second time. This dude might want to give up construction. Or Australia.

• A British conservationist is making a 4,500 mile paramotor flight following migrating swans. Apparently she has absolutely no life. Or she's married.

I have an adverse relationship with mornings.

• Once again, those wacky far-seeing fiscally responsible folks in Congress passed a spending bill. This last minute effort, as usual, will keep the government 'operating' until December. This is a new low, even for Congress. And, of course, another increase in spending up the debt.

Non-partisan political observation: the democrats are incredibly nervous about Trump and libertarians. They're bringing out the Big Guns - tv 'news', tv, newspapers, and even Mr+Mrs President. My theory is that this is good for the dems but in reality, it's being run by the Powers That Be, who are terrified of a candidate they don't own. Also, when they have to go after libertarians, things must be pretty bad for them. It's also interesting to note that things are roughly tied at this point: the 'standard' candidates can't pull off a lead. People must really be PISSED for this to happen. Regardless of candidates, this situation is good for America. People are waking up.

• Our friends over at Samsung are having a really bad year: as if exploding phones weren't bad enough, there is now a lawsuit over exploding washing machines. Perhaps all of their products should come with a fire extinguisher.

The gay pride rainbow flag has been launched into space 'to spread peace' (perhaps because it has done such a great job on the ground). Perhaps we'd be better served by launching ISIS into space.

• The latest threat facing our country is..... clowns. I am not kidding. Reports of threatening clowns are coming in from all over the country. They're getting arrested by the police. Clownphobics (coulrophobia) rejoice! I'm surprised the politicians aren't getting Tough On Clowns.

if we just change the date, it's Congress!

You Call That Insurance?

They say to never blog while pissed off but I don't care. I don't even know who They are anyway.

I got a letter from my pharmacy insurer last week. Note that this used to be covered under insurance. The letter stated that I have to use a certain pharmacy or mail order or pay for it myself. My 'insurance' went into effect on the first of the year, so why wait thirty days to send me notice?

My benefits admin was very pleasant and called the pharmacy insurer with me. They kindly told me exactly what the letter said. I told them I support a local pharmacy, as I have for the past twenty years. Tough shit - you use THIS pharmacy or we don't pay.  Ooh, I forgot to mention that the pharmacy insurer has a two part name, the second part being the pharmacy I must use. Nothing fishy there.

I've flippin HAD IT.
(don't blog when pissed off)

My first effort against this travesty called insurance was to contact my congressman. He greatly sympathized with my plight and promised to vote to repeal Obamacare as soon as possible. For some reason, I did not feel helped.


I PROMISE YOU CAN KEEP YOUR DOCTOR

I am trying my best to state facts and not call people names; it's juvenile and counterproductive. (Even though I feel juvenile and want to release a fusillade of epithets in their general direction.) The fact is that the President and every Congressman who voted for this travesty should be thrown out on their asses. Better yet, they should have to USE Obamacare. A special version of Obamacare that involves $500 per week premiums and a $20,000 deductible. Let them live like the proles.

This alleged insurance is a scam, benefiting lower income folks, insurance companies and of course, Big Pharma<tm>. It is not my intention to offend any of you who fall into these categories - there are better ways to do this. We were lied to from the beginning. It's not insurance if it doesn't start paying until you meet your yearly $5,000 deductible. Any idea what it would take to do that? Perhaps being run over by a bus, if you manage to live. This would create its own unique set of issues because after you've met your deductible, the copays start, not to mention the emergency room fee, the doctor fee, the diagnostic fee(s), and $40 copay per gourmet hospital meal (featuring fruit from a can, vegetables from a can, mashed potatoes from a can, and chicken from a can). We will simply pay for every medical expense, all year long, unless, heaven forbid, we reach our deductible. And all this is mandatory. I don't care what the Supreme Court says; they have no right to compel us to purchase something.

I was out of my mind with rage over insurance years back, with premiums that rose up to fifteen percent per year. That seems like Disneyland by comparison.

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? (Animal House)
It's time for ACTION. Yes, action. Let's get ready for it.
The only problem is what kind of action.
To start, we need to lobby Congresspeople. Write letters and emails. Call and visit their office to talk to their staff (they have staff to help people with insurance and other things).
We're fighting Insurers. We're fighting entrenched government and Big Dollar Lobbies.
We need to take a stand and the time to do this is now. The republicans promise to repeal Obamacare but I believe some of them voted for it. It's all a show regardless. Neither party will help us.



Don't even get me started on dentists; which your plan may or may not cover.

Give Me - Your Dirty Love

In Oklahoma, a hotel guest proposed a new technique in argument resolution. Angered by a dispute over the bill, he drove his pickup truck into the lobby. This would certainly make the hotel business more exciting.

• A mother who gave birth to her daughter twelve weeks early in order to be treated for cancer says she "can't wait to start chemo". I know kids are a PITA but had no idea they were this bad.

Another one! Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster now able to perform marriages in New Zealand.

• Government program used telepathy to contact aliens. We know for a fact that the remote viewing program existed. This is one claimed result. Believe or not.

In another large scale attack on sanity, N.W.A. is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

• Don't stand in front of the plane: an Air India ground staff member died after being sucked into an aircraft engine at Mumbai airport. Ouch.

The Human Rights Foundation has asked Nicki Manaj to cancel her performance in Angola because her payment would come from government corruption. The American Rights Foundation has asked Nicki Manaj to cancel all US performances on general principles.

• Once again, Congress has passed a stopgap funding bill so the government can stay 'open'. Have you noticed that they consistently fail to resolve ANYTHING, instead preferring to pass stopgaps. Mind you, they're spending our money. Fiscal malfeasance: sack them all.

Of all things a country can ban, France is doing well with banning 'excessively thin' models. A doctor can decide what excessively thin is. I can decide too but they have to send them here first.

• If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk. Woman spends some time driving on the sidewalk, injuring more than thirty, killing one. For some reason, DUI is suspected.

A Dutch traveler was found with over twelve live hummingbirds in his pants. And prostitution is legal there, isn't it?

• Blacks fail the Philly police psych profiling screening more than whites. Black groups are concerned, citing discrimination. Under U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission guidelines, if an employment screening tool results in a minority racial group being hired at less than four-fifths the rate of the majority, the burden is on the employer to show why that tool is a valid predictor of job success and not discriminatory. The test is the MMPI, used by behavioral health and legal personnel all over the country.

Brunei has banned the wearing of Santa hats. Talk about a war on Christmas! This is every bit as valid as homosexuality harming heterosexuality.

• That's Gotta Hurt: A Sri Lanka man was arrested near Colombo for smuggling gold bars in his rectum.

Goodbye Kitty: Hello Kitty hacked, 3.3million accounts prove that there's no end to vapid and stupid. And you thought I was going to say Kardashian, didn't you?

• Woman bites off husband's ear over beer. And smashed dishes. And blood on the wall. Minnesota - not Florida!

Meanwhile in India, monkey steals bus and crashes it while driver sleeps. Monkey offered job.

• A man walked off a cliff and fell 60' to his death on xmas day. Because he was distracted by his cell phone. No word on whether he managed a selfie on the way down.

Top five Christmas songs written by Jews

1. "White Christmas" - Written by Irving Berlin (pictured), Bing Crosby's version is the bestselling single of all time
2. "The Christmas song" ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire") - Written by Bob Wells and Mel Torme and recorded four times by Nat King Cole
3. "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" - Sammy Cahn wrote the song in 1945, during a heatwave in Los Angeles
4. "Santa Baby" - written by Joan Javits and made famous by Eartha Kitt
5. "Winter Wonderland" - written in 1934 and recorded by more than 200 singers

Dyslexic Typing

News from Home:

Dear Mom,
Things are fairly normal here... as normal as one could expect. Today I came home to a dog with four wet paws. I asked the wife if there was any halfway decent reason that the dog had four wet paws. She didn't know, but she found out fairly quickly: he had taken apart a trash bag. In a possible attempt to cover up the mess, he spilled a container of bleach all over the floor. I'm just waiting for him to have four blond paws.

Not to be left out, the cat walked up to the table and started munching on a piece of buttered bread. I could see this from the dog but the cat??? The vet was right - he's a big dog in a cat suit.

I have to run now: the roast is ready and I want to get it out of the oven before the dog does.

Love,
lefty

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I have mentioned that Philly radio it the absolute worst in the nation. Poor countries with no radio at all have turned down the opportunity to listen to it. One has the choice between GONZO ZOO RADIO [canned applause], classic rock that plays the same two songs by the same six artists and NPR.  I switch stations a lot. The other morning it was NPR, as GONZO ZOO RADIO [canned applause] was running a marathon discussion of colored dresses. I have to admit that public radio turns me on to some interesting facts... facts that I am unlikely to come up with anywhere else.  This morning I learned of Afghanistan's absolute fanaticism for cricket. Who would have known?

Apparently the denizens of Afghanistan rush to bars and restaurants with televisions so they can catch up on the latest match.  As you can tell, I know as much about cricket as ballet, probably less.  I can identify ballet. Not so much cricket.  Actually I'm fibbing... everything I know about England comes from Monty Python. I remember a sketch with a bunch of guys dressed in white, throwing what looked like a billiard ball really hard at some tall wooden dowels. One was licking his lips suggestively, in slow motion.  There - my entire knowledge of cricket.

Think of the possibilities: game postponements because they have to clear the field of opium poppies. Game postponements because they have to clear the field of body parts. More game postponements because they have to rebuild the field after the latest round of freedom exportation via drones. The players must have nerves of steel because the cars in the parking lot keep exploding. And you never know which of the little Taleban/ISIS/ISIL/CIA children in the stands is a suicide bomber.  They start all cuddly but the end isn't pretty. Basically they have to have a squad dedicated entirely to rebuilding the field (wait - I remember - it's called a PITCH!) between bombings. It's odd but thus far, no one has thought of moving the action and excitement indoors (on Sunday Sunday SUNDAY!).  I hear Halliburton is going to get the no-bid contract to build the bomb-proof indoor stadium, at the bargain price of four hundred million dollars. Don't tell anyone you heard it here.

Meanwhile, excited to prove to the world how modern they are, the Afghanis have put together a women's cricket league.  Unfortuntately, through no fault of their own, the league has stopped playing for a few seasons, until they can get a few small issues under control. Between the bloody noses because the women can't see the balls, the hand-chopping-off for touching balls and the odd beheading, the games tend to run short (and bloody). Then there's the unfortunate bit about beheading the audience because women aren't allowed to watch sports.


You know, all this talk about blowing stuff up reminds me of something I might have heard on NPR: Congress has just passed a bill encouraging themselves to dress as suicide bombers for Halloween. This is the kind of legislation we can all get behind. Far behind.


Things are about to get (more) interesting at airports. As if rectal probes of eighty-year-old wheelchair-bound ladies weren't enough, there are now bomb-sniffing elephants. I suppose the TSA likes them because they work for peanuts (ouch) and are significantly more accurate than the minimum wage previous bag checkers normally hired by the agency. Frequent cries of "Get your trunk out of my trunk" ensue. I kid, though... the TSA isn't using them - the army is. If this ever goes wrong, the cleanup will be immense. Do you suppose they will get vests?


Lastly, scientific proof behind people driving expensive cars being asshats.

Health Insurance or Let's Make Your Head Explode

Now that I'm sorta almost nearly employed, it's time to deal with the Evil Empire (no, not Comcast) - health insurance. For those of you who think Obama did wonders for the uninsured, it's time to crawl back under whatever rock from which you emerged.

I objected to government-run healthcare and I caught a ton of crap for it. I objected because nothing run by the government is a good idea or works correctly: look at Medicare and Social Security. The objection from the other side was that at least people would be insured.

The long and short of it, dear readers/plodders, is that Obamacare is a gift to insurance companies. You must have an Obama-approved plan or pay a fine. After some research, a fine would actually be better in some cases.

If you have an employer-sponsored plan, do the research. You'll probably find that it's cheaper with your employer. You will also avoid the dreaded Donut Hole [more later].

My previous employer (where the yellow brick road meets the duck pond) had good coverage at ridiculous rates. My new employer offers so-so coverage at ridiculous Obamacare rates. It makes my head spin.

So off I went, to healthcare.gov, to do my own research. Now I know insurance, from being in the field, being a consumer and being married to a Frequent Flyer. With all of my cumulative years of insurance dealings, after doing the research and going over the numbers, my head exploded. There are bits of cranium, red stuff and something that looks vaguely like cauliflour all over the ceiling. Have you ever tried to clean this stuff off a ceiling? With or without a ladder? In the dead of winter? Without so much as a pole?

The people who champion Obamacare will tell you that millions more people now have healthcare than before.  What they don't tell you is that in most cases, this is subsidized by everyone else. And they can have up to six thousand dollar deductibles. For all of you playing along at home, this means that the insured have to pay up to six thousand dollars before their insurance kicks in (twelve thousand for couples). People who have never had insurance before are getting the shock of their lives because they don't know what a deductible is. Yes, they are technically covered but most won't even make their deductible (unless they have a hospital trip in their future). So that's a monthly premium plus a deductible. You are paying for the right to pay your deductible (or pay a fine).

To be fair, one of my loyal readers is overjoyed with their plan. I must admit that it's a great deal and really helps my reader out.  There may also be a difference between states that have their own plans and states that default to the federal plan (mine).

Are you ready?  [drum roll]

I did some ridiculously complex spreadsheet projections to see what plan benefits us most. This was rather a shame, as I am completely incapable of ridiculously complex spreadsheet projections. One has to take into account the premium, deductible, copay for office visits (primary and specialist) and drug copay. Add a headache to your already-spinning head.

For a single guy about my age, the cheapest plan is about four hundred dollars per month, with a sixteen hundred dollar deductible. In the end, I will have put out an additional thirty eight hundred dollars on top of the premium and deductible (plus donut hole). I am by no means a large user of medical services. This kind of plan is good for younger, healthy folks or me.

But wait...

Now stop waiting. You can select plans with escalating monthly premiums. For a premium of four hundred thirty eight dollars and a four thousand dollar deductible, I would put out two thousand one hundred fifty six additional dollars. Plus donut hole.

There are a few other plans with cheaper monthly premiums and deductible so high that insurance would never kick in.

And if you think this is bad, try adding your spouse to the plan. It comes out over double the premium for a single person.  And if you think this is bad, I won't even mention the family plan.

And now your head has exploded, like mine, and your relatives/cohabitants/roommates are left to try to remove the stains from the ceiling.


WHO REALLY WANTS TO DO THIS?

I have a thing about being interrupted - it agitates me. The more interruptions, the more agitated I get.
So I'm starting my Grand Analysis and my wife jumps up to have a cigarette. I continue then ask for the cost of her meds. She leaps from the couch and starts watering a plant.

At this point, I'm getting the idea that she does not want to deal with this. I asked. She asked why I asked. I told her that it's important we do this and the fact that she keeps leaving the general area seems to indicate that she wants no part of this process.

Attempting to listen to my point, she sits down and her leg starts jumping around of its own accord. In her family, leg jumping indicates agitation and anger. When Dad's leg was moving, she needed to make herself scarce. I pointed at her leg, which she hadn't noticed. Even when she noticed it, it would not stop moving. I have to admit it was pretty funny watching her trying to stop it (and failing).

Further into calculating numbers, my darling picks up her phone and starts reviewing the calls. At this point, I'm quite agitated due to the constant interruptions (although neither of my legs is moving about on its own). Finally I had to pull out the Big Guns and ask if playing with the phone was more important than deciding on healthcare.  She finally admitted that she didn't want to do this.

Funny, neither did I.  And I pity folks who have little knowledge of healthcare and insurance.


DONUT HOLES

Far from being a tasty treat, donut holes are poisonous entities, otherwise known as gifts to insurance companies, installed by Congress as a Screw You to the populace.  And don't forget - Congress does not have to use this wreck they created; they have their own special plan that covers what ours doesn't.

Donut holes come with drug plans that aren't from an employer, for instance, all Obamacare plans. Your drugs are covered up to a certain dollar amount, then you fall into the donut hole, when the plan pays a paltry percentage for your meds. Another few thousand dollars later, you are again covered under the catastrophic portion of the plan.  If you are prescribed a lot of medicines, especially expensive ones, you are beyond screwed. It's cat food for you (which would be just fine with my dog but not me).

My parents hit their donut hole in October. My wife hit her donut hole in forty five days. And this magic carpet ride starts all over again in January.


OLD FOLKS

The Medicare set, along with the Disability set, gets Medicare insurance. This is a good insurance but it does not cover the entire medical expense. It also does not cover drugs.  For example, let's say the doctor charges you one hundred dollars for your visit. In the Olde Days<tm>, Medicare would pay eighty dollars (after deductible) and your additional Medigap policy would cover the extra twenty. But since this is most definitely not the Olde Days<tm>, it no longer works that way. Out of one hundred dollars, Medicate pays eighty (after a larger deductible) and Medigap, depending on plan, might pay ten, with the extra ten to come directly from your pocket.  So you need Medicare hospital and doctor (Plans A+B), supplemental/Medigap (Plan C) and meds (Plan D, after deductible, with possible pre-existing conditions).  There are also Medicare replacements, which encompass Plans A,B,C and D and have exclusions and weird HMO regulations.

There is also a late filing fee for people who don't get their insurance during Normal Signup Time. Normal Signup Time is a few days in December, between the hours of ten and eleven, at the Normal Registration Place, around the corner, in the sub-basement, in the secret room you must go on a trek to locate the key for.  Hint: beware of the anteaters; they're out to get you.

By the time my wife has navigated this mess, her plans cost two hundred dollars per month with a five hundred dollar deductible and an additional six thousand dollars out of pocket. This estimate does not include some meds, hidden deductibles, hidden costs, late fees, and a one thousand dollar mandatory tribute to the President and architects of this Insurance Wonder.

If you're wondering why I was unemployed so long, let me do the math for you.... I need to make approximately two hundred thousand dollars per year to pay for all of this. And this is before anyone runs into my car (with its five hundred dollar deductible).

I have to go now. My insurance only covers one cranial explosion per year, plus the ceiling cleanup is not covered by anybody but me.

Good Riddance, I Say

It's still 2012 and we're all still alive.  There was no apocalypse and my crew somehow managed to survive.  It wasn't easy.

I have been struggling with a way to describe this past year.  The title of this post will serve for now.  We have been struggling in general.  This has not been a happy holiday season.

It would seem that there are but a few groups who aren't struggling now.  One of them is Congress; currently busy not struggling with a way to save us money and benefit its constituents.  Instead, the traitorous bastards struggle with ways to get us to pay for their misdeeds and usurp the Bill of Rights.

Another group not struggling is rental car centers, or at very least, the one near us.  We're on week two of our rental, with nary a word on the body work of our car after the deer committed suicide with it.

Deer are another topic entirely.  My friend, the deer hunter, told me he had a clear shot at a deer a few weeks back.  He shifted, the deer heard it and ran.  If their hearing is that good, how does a deer miss a loud 35mph Hyundai at night with lights?  I suspect it was suicidal after all.

Some tell me this is deer season and they're about.  They sure are - they're decorating hoods all over the place.  And trust me, you don't want that kind of hood ornament.  Last weekend we were near the scene of our accident and came upon someone else's fresh accident.

Do we need to aerially spray the neighborhood with Prozac for the deer?  Are they that depressed?  Others speculate that they're just horny.  I'm just horny too but I don't go leaping in front of moving vehicles (unless that vehicle is Eva Longoria).  Some organization or other is talking about deer contraceptives, which brings me to my next point... what in the world is the pope going to say about deer condoms?  He sure as hell doesn't like them for humans.  My only thought here is that since the pope doesn't believe animals have souls, perhaps it's all equal in the end.  Perhaps if we tell the pro-lifers that we're giving abortions to the deer, they'd guard the roadways.  This way we won't actually have to touch the deer and the deer won't be able to get to the roads to leap in front of random cars.  Everybody wins (if we assume the deer aren't depressed in the first place).

HOLIDAYS

Holiday time is supposed to be a happy time.  Supposed to.
It seems that happiness took a few days off during my recent break from work.  It had gotten so bad that I cancelled xmas entirely (for myself).  As for everybody else, depression crashed into bipolar disorder, which sideswiped dream therapy, causing horrible nightmares for children.  Neuroses played table tennis with grief.  Not to be outdone, multiplicity sulked behind the scenes and refused to effectively communicate.

That aside, everything else was fine.


SOMEONE ELSE'S MIRACLE

Bro and Sis-in-law's mom had to go to the hospital for tests.  She walked in, had tests and became half paralyzed.  Brain cancer.  Then full paralysis (I strongly suspect the hospital, not cancer).  Days later, with many diagnoses, she was alert, awake, and oriented.  A transfer to hospice that was a death sentence got commuted to extended care.  My wife (the nurse) proved to a doctor that he had no idea what he was talking about.

So my relatives are celebrating and my wife scored some dignity for a dying woman.


THE WIFE'S MIRACLE

I hate health insurance companies.  This is kind of like saying that we hate Hitler.
My wife has been on the same medication for chronic pain for three years.  Because the insurance company is invested in finding new and better ways not to pay for things, they introduced the review/precertification process.  Once a year, the prescribing physician has to jump through hoops to get the medicine recertified so the insurance will pay for it.  The last time was June.

So what happened when my wife went to pick up her December pain meds?  The insurer decided that one year between reviews was no good and decided on six months instead.  Yes, these thieving bastards required another review so my wife could receive the pain meds she's been on for three years. This was made all the more amusing by the fact that her doctor was on vacation for two weeks with no way to reach him and a full answering machine.

The pharmacist, bless him, sat on the phone for twenty minutes with the insurer and got an override for four days worth of medicine (with the full copay, of course).  We had the option of paying cash for the meds, at ten dollars per pill, which we could not do.

For anyone still following, the insurer decided it was perfectly ok to completely stop a patient's prescribed pain meds due to a precert that could not be reasonably performed in one day.  This would cause not only horrible pain, it would cause the patient to go into detox.  But it's ok - this is how the insurance lobbies got Congress to write insurance law.

My wife put on her asshole hat and called the insurance company.  They were quite sympathetic to her plight but checked all the way up the chain and couldn't do a thing for her.  Her only option was to pay cash for the meds, which they would reimburse after the fact, then tackle the doc when he returns and force him to make the paperwork right.

So we're out about two hundred for meds now.  Combined with weeks of car rental, our mortgage company hopefully has a forgiveness program.

Another slew of imaginary points to the wife for keeping herself out of detox.   Notice that I am not sending kudos for bettering herself - just for scraping to get the bare minimum.   Life should not be about scraping for bare minimum.


MY MIRACLE

A few days ago I ventured across the building in search of Coca Cola.  There, in the machine, shining out like brown gold, was an actual row of Coke.  In the Coke machine, which is usually filled with Pepsi.  An xmas miracle!

But luck refused to abandon me this week.  The next day, there were two rows of Coke in the Coke machine.  And as if that weren't enough, there was silverware in the silverware drawer.  I was on a roll.  If I played numbers, this was the week to play them.

Finding soda made me feel almost invincible.


AND IN THE END

The kids were upset.  The pets were clingy.  Gifts sat unopened.  No one was happy.

We decided to hold our own xmas, the night after the other one, perhaps sending out our own metaphorical finger to the universe.

The kids got excited.  The pets got in the way.  The Hess chopper was the star of the evening.
I participated, in spite of cancelling xmas, by giving.

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We wish you a very Happy Whatever, dear reader(s).  Strength to those who need it.  Good health for all.  Keep the deer away from us.  Have a safe and happy new year and may 2013 be much less apocalyptic and much more enriching.