Monday, January 4, 2016

Give Me - Your Dirty Love

In Oklahoma, a hotel guest proposed a new technique in argument resolution. Angered by a dispute over the bill, he drove his pickup truck into the lobby. This would certainly make the hotel business more exciting.

  • A mother who gave birth to her daughter twelve weeks early in order to be treated for cancer says she "can't wait to start chemo". I know kids are a PITA but had no idea they were this bad.

Another one! Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster now able to perform marriages in New Zealand.

  • Government program used telepathy to contact aliens. We know for a fact that the remote viewing program existed. This is one claimed result. Believe or not.

In another large scale attack on sanity, N.W.A. is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

  • Don't stand in front of the plane: an Air India ground staff member died after being sucked into an aircraft engine at Mumbai airport. Ouch.

The Human Rights Foundation has asked Nicki Manaj to cancel her performance in Angola because her payment would come from government corruption. The American Rights Foundation has asked Nicki Manaj to cancel all US performances on general principles.

  • Once again, Congress has passed a stopgap funding bill so the government can stay 'open'. Have you noticed that they consistently fail to resolve ANYTHING, instead preferring to pass stopgaps. Mind you, they're spending our money. Fiscal malfeasance: sack them all.

Of all things a country can ban, France is doing well with banning 'excessively thin' models. A doctor can decide what excessively thin is. I can decide too but they have to send them here first.

  • If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk. Woman spends some time driving on the sidewalk, injuring more than thirty, killing one. For some reason, DUI is suspected.

A Dutch traveler was found with over twelve live hummingbirds in his pants. And prostitution is legal there, isn't it?

  • Blacks fail the Philly police psych profiling screening more than whites. Black groups are concerned, citing discrimination. Under U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission guidelines, if an employment screening tool results in a minority racial group being hired at less than four-fifths the rate of the majority, the burden is on the employer to show why that tool is a valid predictor of job success and not discriminatory. The test is the MMPI, used by behavioral health and legal personnel all over the country.

Brunei has banned the wearing of Santa hats. Talk about a war on Christmas! This is every bit as valid as homosexuality harming heterosexuality.

  • That's Gotta Hurt: A Sri Lanka man was arrested near Colombo for smuggling gold bars in his rectum.

Goodbye Kitty: Hello Kitty hacked, 3.3million accounts prove that there's no end to vapid and stupid. And you thought I was going to say Kardashian, didn't you?

  • Woman bites off husband's ear over beer. And smashed dishes. And blood on the wall. Minnesota - not Florida!

Meanwhile in India, monkey steals bus and crashes it while driver sleeps. Monkey offered job.

  • A man walked off a cliff and fell 60' to his death on xmas day. Because he was distracted by his cell phone. No word on whether he managed a selfie on the way down.

Top five Christmas songs written by Jews

  1. "White Christmas" - Written by Irving Berlin (pictured), Bing Crosby's version is the bestselling single of all time
  2. "The Christmas song" ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire") - Written by Bob Wells and Mel Torme and recorded four times by Nat King Cole
  3. "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" - Sammy Cahn wrote the song in 1945, during a heatwave in Los Angeles
  4. "Santa Baby" - written by Joan Javits and made famous by Eartha Kitt
  5. "Winter Wonderland" - written in 1934 and recorded by more than 200 singers

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