We'll Have a Gay Old Time?

 Your love is like  an audience with a very unhappy Saddam Hussain

I'll bet you were so busy with your daily routine that you didn't know the Flying AIDS and Cancer were cured! They must have been: there are new iOS emojis and a Friends reunion.

Today I identify as  an old sunroof that leaks on everybody in the car

Bad business ideas: the pasta pillow

• In the You're Kidding department, a UN study indicates working a 55 hour week increases the risk of death
• Congress has taken this seriously and has shrunken its 45 day work year to 30

I just got done watching the 60 Minutes segment on UFO/UAPs. I was very interested to see what would be gone over, and perhaps, revealed. My immediate sense is that there was nothing new... however, it brought the current information to the public, who otherwise wouldn't investigate or care.  So I guess the purpose was to take away the giggle factor and continue to lay the groundwork for..... something.

Reminder: the effort to study UFO/UAPs is alleged to have started when Harry Reid got $22 million approved. In reality, we have been studying them since before 1947 at Roswell. The information is given to some agency, then disappears. The Harry Reid show is dog and pony. When we find out where years and years of information went, we'll know who has been studying it all along. The group is pretty well compartmented, when even the president and Congress can't get at it.

Continue to watch carefully and skeptically.

Remember MOVE, when a city literally bombed its residents and burned down the block?

Oops - remains marked for cremation were still around, from 1985, in cold storage. Philly's Medical Examiner office is very nervous.

• Eric Clapton lashed out at lockdown and vaccine propaganda, after his vaccine caused temporary paralysis of his hands and legs.

A self-driving taxi got stuck in traffic in Chandler, Arizona. When the service team showed up to repair it, it escaped and blocked a three-lane road. [Who wants to go to the doctor?] 

Told you so.

It's a great idea but it's Not Ready for Prime Time.

And the public is carrying a bullseye on its ass.

We can't let a week go by without more fascinating Tesla news. In this case, it's Tesla driver news. A man was arrested by the CHP for being in the back seat of his Tesla, with no one in the driver's seat. Shortly after being released from jail, he was pulled over for the same thing. Tesla is the modern day Darwin.

• US airlines may start weighing passengers at the gate.
• what could possibly go wrong?
• who could possibly be offended?
• stay tuned for the hilarity!

a Space Force lieutenant colonel was jettisoned after he made remarks critical of the US military on a conservative podcast. But at least we have those spiffy new uniforms.

• Acclaimed British author Richard Cohen's new book on historians is cancelled in the US amid backlash at him for 'not including enough black academics'
• Acclaimed British author Ignatz Dumbweezle's new book on the Apollo space program is cancelled in the US amid backlash at him for 'not including enough black astronauts.'  Dumbweezle tried to explain that the Apollo program didn't have a black astronaut, but they were having none of it.

In Montana, drug-sniffer dog Karma alerted 100% of the time. Some handlers refer to their dogs as "probable cause on four legs."  Local, state, and federal authorities have netted more than $68 billion in civil forfeiture, starting with a bad search. Think about that.

• Here's a nice nugget for your next party: did you know there is a Socialist Rifle Association?

The Microsoft board decided Bill Gates had to go because of a relationship with a staffer.

Still not punished for Windows 

• The most recent Saturday Night Live had the worst ratings ever (3.5 million)
• hmm.... why could that be?

Hugs are coming back. Not everyone is thrilled.

Why would they be? Huggers are the most annoying forms of life, aside from life insurance salesmen. Compulsive huggers should be forced to attend programs.

We all have a personal space radius - mine is 20' in all directions. Having this radius breached should set off loud alarms; so loud it stuns the attempted hugger back to reality and helps them realize not everyone wants their clammy paws all over them. Just because I exist isn't an excuse for you to touch me. I may agree to a handshake, which is a start. Perhaps you can hold out your hand to see if I go for a handshake, then ask if a hug would be ok. Better yet, just assume no one wants a hug and go from there. After you get out of jail for excessive hugging, you should be forced to wear a large sign (or tattoo), that says "WARNING: Hugger" so people can get a head start on you. If you even get invited to parties, you have the effect of chasing everybody around the room because they don't want to be hugged. What kind of mental defect do you have that tells you everyone wants a hug from you, and that a hug is somehow a good thing? Right next to your Free Hugs booth is my Shots Upside Your Head with a Sledgehammer booth. It's not free... people pay me $1 to hit you upside the head when you try to hug them.

EDIT: if the hugger is Emilia Clarke (Game of Thrones), forget everything I said

Credit where it's due: China just landed on Mars

Uh-oh: it gave the Rover the Flying AIDS

Target just joined Walmart, Costco, and Trader Joe's in dropping mask requirements for vaccinated people.  Each store will have a full staff of medical people to determine whether or not you got the shot and will put a tattoo on your forehead. They claim it's temporary. But who minds trading the mask for a bright new tattoo? At least you can breathe. If it is determined you lied, Security will throw you out of the store bodily. If you can't remember, they will check your medical records, do extensive blood work, and an anal probe. *The anal probe isn't necessary, they just like giving them, plus it shows you're serious about shopping there.

• CCTV footage shows the wife of Belgium's ambassador to South Korea assaulting shop staff in Seoul. She claims diplomatic immunity.
• Funny, that's what my wife says every time she slaps me.

As China and US population falls, what can they do to encourage people to procreate?

• why do we need more of them?
• state-sponsored alcohol or vouchers to bars
• Procreation Bars
• free state procreating facilities
• discount on alcohol over 2 pints
• billboards: Do Your Patriotic Duty - Fsck!
• Make a little tax writeoff now!

The world's first GMO mosquitoes were released in the Florida Keys. The idea is to mate with existing mosquitoes and render them sterile. There was a lot of pushback, but naturally, they were released anyway. Currently, they have zeroed in on their targets and are mating with alligators all over the area.

Ebay is banning hentai and closing the site's Adults Only section "in the interest of safety". 

I must be stupid, because I can't figure out what adult products have to do with safety.

Another one of those days. The only thing is, I haven't had them like this lately. Things have calmed down since I converted to the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. No, wait, maybe it was just staying in due to the Flying AIDS. Yeah, that's it.

It was Tax Time, and we linux users were screwed, as usual. For the past couple of years, I used a product that rhymes with BlurboTax. I had to run it in a Win 7 virtual machine because we don't do Windows. This year's edition won't run on Win 7, so screwed again. No choice but to do them online, via BlurboTax's website.

The thing moved quickly, but was disingenuously-worded and full of ads for their services. When I checked out, it charged me $40 for my state return, which I explicitly told it I didn't want done. I was not happy, and when I say not happy, I mean the dog freaked out and RAN. I talked to them on the phone, and the nice lady put me through to a supervisor. This should have been my first clue. She explains to me that the extra $40 was not for e-filing the state, it was for preparing the state. Nowhere on the site does it explain this. Further, the actual Windows version of their software does not operate like this. I honestly tried to hold my inner Satan back... it wasn't her fault and I don't abuse people on phones or in restaurants. Apparently the threat of Satan did something and they're going to refund me the extra. Of course it's been 6 hours and I haven't received the email......

Mrs. lefty came in from errands. SOME MF'ER HIT MY CAR.

It was a ding and a scrape. Naturally no one left a note... they just hit it and drove away.

This car is virtually new. For most of my life, I've never had a new, or an unblemished car. The last car was unblemished, for the first 6 months, then assholes started coming out of the woodwork to hit it. I kid you not - there were around a dozen accidents. The car was an asshole magnet. Now here we are, 4 months into this beautiful car and BANG SCRATCH. 

It's gonna take a lot of ice cream to salvage this day.

Ice cream and sex. 

I'll definitely get ice cream.

*Fun Fact: the income tax was temporary, during a war. Now the income tax is permanent, as is war.

Dining with the Dead

 Your love is like  making love on the beach, and getting sand up in the works

Scientists have taken a look at the children of Chernobyl; the children of the people who were ordered to clean up the horrible mess, and found the damage was limited to the cleaners and not their children.

So aside from a few more arms and heads than is customary, the children are perfectly normal. 

• FDA and CDC ok resuming J&J Flying AIDS shots
• the clots are rare anyway....

• A study that said smokers get the Flying AIDS less often got retracted because one of the researchers had ties to Big Tobacco.
• probably the most honest, accurate action in over a year 

Apple's AirDrop is leaking your emails and phone numbers, but it's ok - there's nothing you can do about it. Apple has known about it but has forgotten to acknowledge or fix it. But it's ok - Apple knows what's best for you.

This comes on the heels of Apple being accused of ransomware. Their particular brand of ransomware is different from the other pirates: instead of hacking and encrypting files, Apple forces you to buy newer phones and hardware. Judging from the lines around the block for new iPhones, no one has figured this out yet.

• President Biden is getting ready to address a joint session of Congress
• he kept asking his handlers if it's ok to smoke there

Today I identify as  those little pieces of whatever they are that collect in your bed

• Faceyspaces mistakenly deleted the page for the town of Bitche, France.
• It's ok, though.... at least it wasn't a hate crime.

Elon Musk is going to host Saturday Night live.

Musk will make a few changes:

• make the network green
• give the show a better, funnier autopilot
• auto-update the cast over the internet
• make the show funny, for the first time in 25 years

The SNL cast is upset that someone with no apparent comedic talent is on the show. They have yet to walk past a mirror.

Boris Johnson suggested that "bodies could pile high" during a heated discussion about lockdown in Downing Street in the autumn, sources familiar with the talks have told the BBC.

Johnson denied making the remarks.

"I did not say 'bodies could pile high,' I said 'My opponents should get AIDS and die.'  I hope this clears up the matter.'"

• The salmon you buy in the future may be farmed on land
• I call BS: do you have any idea how hard it is to plant a salmon? 
• Then you get huge areas of smelly fish plants til they're harvested

My iDevice from work has had this small problem: it won't ring.

This can be defined as a problem or a blessing.

It makes a great light show when a call comes in, but an extreme lack of ringing sound.

Again, a blessing.

I can see it ring, which is ok, provided I'm in the office.

Turns out there's a damn silence switch on it.

Next week I'll figure out how to leave an outgoing voicemail message.

Then maybe make some calls, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.

Coming in the new iOS: NEW EMOJIs. We have finally achieved world peace.

The Oscars fell below 10 million viewers for the first time.

Maybe people just didn't know they were on.

Or got tired of fashion shows and vapid monologues.

Florida is getting ready for the release of a billion genetically engineered mosquitoes, to eradicate a disease carrying mosquito.

• Floridians referred to this as 'TERRORISM'
• they want non-GMO mosquitoes
• they are all CIS-hetero-male, so no one else will be protesting
• the CDC (uh-oh) will review data, but not health. Anthony Fauci is said to be not involved in this case, but may jump in if there's tv time involved
• as in many species, only the females suck blood

Suicide is deadly, and you never know the full effect you'll have on people.

A suicidal man jumped from a parking garage in San Diego, killing himself and the woman he landed on. 

Bill Gates is working on a new Windows game, in which you jump off a building and attempt to hit people on the ground. It's slower than his vaccines, but useful. And the kids love it.

But think about it... you couldn't jump from a building and hit someone if you tried.

• If you're a musician, you probably use Reverb, which is like an Ebay for instruments. Naturally they had a data breach, and urge you to change your password.
• Don't hesitate. Go and change your password NOW. Hopefully your password vault will generate a new one. A long one.
• Don't put personal info online if you can help it. Reverb had my email address and that was it.

The FBI, without any court order, sifted through the National Security Agency’s massive troves of foreign communications for information on American “racially motivated violent extremists,” a newly declassified order from the secret surveillance court details.

Of course it did. They take this kind of power, nobody says anything, and they use it illegally. 9-11 was Christmas for them.

• California now has the lowest Flying AIDS rate in the nation!
• The virus looked around and gave up.

Ever curious about how privacy-invasive the website you're on is?

Head over to The Markup and it will tell you. Be prepared - you might not like the answer.

This highlights many issues, but mainly that you need to have some privacy built into your browser and some extensions.

The tiny Canadian town of Tumbler Ridge - population 2,000, lost its internet over the weekend. How? A beaver chewed through the cable.

This is not the first time Tumbler Ridge lost internet..

• in 2012, a killer rabbit chewed through its internet cable
• the year before, the NSA chewed through its internet cable, but blamed it on some ants
• in 2005, an ocelot urinated on the cable, rusting out the connections
• in 2014, an elephant picked up the cable and beat a Chevy to death, resulting in a breakage
• the year before, 150 people tried to commit suicide by wrapping it around their necks
• in 2006, the mayor, Jean Luc LeStench, drove his 4 wheeler over it
• in 2001, Terrance and Philip farted on it

West Virginia will give young people a $100 bond to get the vaccine.

They will give a $500 bond to get the refrigerators off the lawn, and a $1,000 bond to stop doing that to your sister.