Apparently the Boy Scouts have a very serious pedophile problem. People are coming forward and telling their stories.
Who the hell do they think they are - the church?
- Leslie Van Houten, one of the Manson Family, has been denied parole for the third time. For some reason, Charlie's Angels aren't very interesting - perhaps it's the lack of carving things into their foreheads. Charlie, on the other hand, was always amusing (after jail only). You could count on good old Charlie to say or do something stupid, like Joe Biden.
- But seriously, if you're bored, check Charlie out. His childhood pretty much guaranteed his adulthood would be 'interesting'. Not quite this interesting, though. The eyes say it all. One wonders if he had any 'help' becoming so persuasive.
Philly government, jealous of how long Baltimore has been non-operational due to ransomware, stepped right up and got virused. This is the first time Philly government has stepped up to do anything. Currently the court system is the only one affected, but the other departments are making appointments to plug into their network.
Rumor has it that the IT systems are being run by illegal aliens the mayor gave Sanctuary status.
Dear lefty:
- How many angels fit on the head of a pin?
- Do you do anything besides masturbate?
A Washington man called the police after a prostitute would not leave, preventing him from going to church. It was her 'come to Jesus' moment....
- Another mission into the jungle with my nemesis, the mower. It's bleedin' 2019 - has every child in the area found a better job? Back in Frozen Tundra Season, one enterprising youth went around with a shovel, charging a lot of money. This smart fella probably bought a lot of goodies on Amazon (or drugs) that night. This is one child in twenty years. The rest are probably shoveling in enhanced reality online games.
- Time Warp is in effect, with the young couple across the way sending their kids out to shovel the walks of their older neighbors (or else). I offer to pay, but noooooooo. I want to offer to do my elderly neighbor's lawn, but it's an inhuman struggle to do mine. Plus the lady enjoys mowing. Perhaps I should have her do my lawn too. She's only 89, fer chrissake. A young 89. Apparently she doesn't see mowing as The Job From Hell.
- Perhaps I was bitten by a lawnmower when I was little.
Wife bemoaned having to drink powdered milk as a child.
I had to drink instant water.
- After watching a child get very excited over a new toy, I realized it doesn't happen to me anymore.
Faceyspaces' employees held a mass protest over nipple censorship.
Never has a protest struck so closely to my heart....
- A Florida (well it's about time) man covered his sleeping girlfriend in ketchup, believing that she had been cheating on him. He should really try oil or chocolate syrup. Oh. Never mind.
- A Florida woman stabbed herself repeatedly because she's "tired of living in Trump's country". Under law, she can be involuntarily committed to the Happy Place as a danger to herself. I've seen this referred to as Trump Derangement Syndrome.
- A Florida man was arrested after trying to flee police, only to wind up in the middle of a law enforcement convention.
Trump Goes to Blighty
As you can't help but see and hear, the president went to England.
The president's people (including Fox News) say it was to pay a visit to our best global partner and discuss economics.
The queen, who just turned 147, kept asking her assistants who the tall guy with the funny hat is. They kept explaining that it was not a hat on his head, but gave up after a while. After meeting, she referred to Trump as Elizabeth. No one knows why, but Trump tweeted he'd be the best Elizabeth England has ever seen.
The Ministry of Silly Hats took a small vacation, as the ladies' hats made it in just under ceiling level, which is frightfully small for England. Like him or not, the First Lady is stunning. The others laughed at her because her hat was so small, it fit under the door frame.
The amount of Englanders taking exception to the president was so loud, you'd think he was their president.
The press was very British, treating the visit with respect.
The US press was 94% negative. CNN took a moment out from "Everything he did wrong" to bring on an English journalist, who said Trump actually behaved himself. It was CNN/NBC/everyone vs Fox. None were watchable.
If the president made an announcement that anthrax is fatal, 50% of the country would be dead overnight. The headlines would say "Trump Kills Half the Country." When he won the election, the headline was "Hillary Loses."
Not that there weren't gaffes..... Trump kept referring to Prince Charles as Jug-Ears and had to dodge Lady Camilla's advances, which got more brazen over the night, with the application of alcohol. He spoke to many decorated war veterans and asked his people if this was the war on the beach. In a speech, he referred to WWII as the Great War, the Best War, and said England was Winning.
Piers Morgan interviewed the president, with respect, then presented him with a bowler. The joke was on Trump, as the rules state no one over 5'7" (50 British pounds) can wear a bowler.
Trump left the country, but only after the queen told her best filthy jokes. He said Lady 27th From The Throne Megan Markle has nice ones, but his wife had the best implants ever, of any first lady.
The American press went crazy on French President Macrone, decrying the fact that he spoke French. They demanded to taste some of his fries and his dressing. The presidential staff had a blast, mis-translating French in Trump's earpiece. When Macrone welcomed him to the conference, the staff translated it as, "He says you're a pussy." At the end of the conference, France officially surrendered to Trump.
The following day, the president went to Ireland. You won't see much in the news, because no one could understand them. He was heard to say, "these people are almost as bad as the Welsh - they have no vowels."
All in all, it went much better than expected; England making no plans to bomb the US (because they'd have to ask permission first).
- I like elephants. You know - not the in-person elephants... the ones on tv. Everybody loves elephants. Now take a minute and look at an elephant. What kind of drugs was evolution on when this came about? They're obviously not descended from apes. Maybe aliens. Maybe the aliens were on something when they were here. A trunk? Where else in nature???
- Don't get me started on aardvarks.
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