Varicose Veins as Fashion Statement

I began to notice something was wrong when I looked over at the tv and some Australian dude was fishing. He caught a large something or other and admired the hell out of it, saying it was the most beautiful animal (as he killed it). That aside, why was there fishing on my tv? What's next - golf?

Schleswig-Holstein, Germany's most northern state, is starting its switch from Microsoft Office to LibreOffice, and is planning to move from Windows to Linux on the 30,000 PCs it uses for local government functions.

You can too. For free. And you'll be free from Microsoft's spying and prices.

Sam Ash, the chain musical instrument store, is closing 18 of its 44 stores. This prompted a visit. At this point, the discount is only 5%, so waiting and watching is in order. The funny part was looking in the bag on the way out: she, the non-musician, got stuff to bang on, cord holders, and a bunch of other stuff. I got a rag and guitar polish.

Guitar polish is a long-standing sore subject for me. If you polish, it will take the dirt away. My guitars have vintage dust, which helps the sound. In order to approximate this, you can buy imitation vintage dust, but it's not even close. So if I clean my guitars, my vintage cred will go to hell. The last neck repair I had done meant telling the tech not to touch anything. He must have thought I was a complete nut, but at least I was a paying complete nut, so he kept his mouth shut. I tried the polish out on one guitar, which was so grimy, it could pick things up by touching them. The cloth wound up completely black (it started yellow). It was ok to clean this guitar as it had no vintage dust.

New Jersey got sued for giving cops access to newborns' DNA. They were previously sued, which explains why they're doing it again.

My dog is a tuna-seeking missile. She's a fish head. Even her food is seafood flavor.

The other day I gave her a burger. She looked at it, sniffed once, then asked, "Why is this not tuna?" Yes, a dog that wasn't interested in meat. Having just run out of her food, I gave her a burger, trying to figure out how to get her to eat it. I asked if she wanted it barbecued or cooked in the pan with the lines, but she remained mum. So I dumped some garlic on it. She again looked at it as if it were a late April Fools joke. The next time I went by, the bowl was empty. I guess it was the garlic.

We've recently had to admit to ourselves that she wasn't ever going to grok gravity. It bedevils her constantly. She jumps up on the couch with a toy to disembowel, which promptly falls off the couch. I get it for her the first time, but after that, she's on her own. Every time - right to ground. She's about 11, so there's little hope.

After having her for 5 years, she finally figured out how to open bi-fold doors. Every other dog and cat we adopted had it figured out in short order; not her. Unfortunately the only bi-fold door we have is attached to the bathroom. She has become an expert at interrupting. This should be fun the next time we have company.

I've seen videos of helper dogs going to the fridge, opening it, getting a drink, and bringing it to their people. It's fascinating. More fascinating to me is watching them close the fridge. My dog never puts anything away. She takes her small box of toys (90), removes the toys one-by-one, then leaves them all over the place. Naturally I get to pick them up. Worse is the shredding. No, I don't shred on guitar, but she shreds tissues and paper towels. Into small pieces. And I have to pick them up. In recognition for my efforts, the next day there's another batch of shredded paper for me. Let's face it - who likes to clean? Certainly not me. And certainly not the day after I just did it. Wife doesn't understand, but I think this might have something to do with me having to pick it up... her job is to order it picked up.

I think my dog is being influenced by animal videos. She thinks she's a cat sometimes. She herds me from in front, knowing exactly where I'm going to step and being there. Fortunately she doesn't knock stuff off tables or try to claw me for no particular reason.

Eavesdropping on fish could help us keep better tabs on underwater worlds

• That flounder said something about your mother
• The dolphins were laughing at how they trained people to feed them treats by jumping out of the water
• Crabs are working on a secret plan to walk forward
• Cuttlefish are tired of being food for dead parrots in British comedy sketches

Faceyspaces let Netflix see your DMs.

Do you think I rant for no reason? 

China has a big problem with super gonorrhea, study finds

Yes, it's Super Gonorrhea!

Faster than a 2am pickup...

More powerful than antibiotics....

Able to leap genitalia in a single bound!

A Real Toilet-Buster

Your love is like  intestinal gas

• Despite poor vision and lack of thumbs, it turns out pigs can play video games with their snouts.
• Game designers say no changes are needed

Today the president personally gave to Alzheimer's research. Then he personally gave to Alzheimer's research. He listened to overtures from Huawei that they're not really a threat to national security and scrapped Trump's order that America not use their products because "they seem nice."

• watching the Vevo 70s video channel produces all sorts of interesting things, least of which is the Osmonds, doing Do You Know the Way to San Jose. We're talking pogo sticks and skateboards. It's not only unlistenable, it's unwatchable. There must have been interbreeding.

RIP Larry Flynt (78)- the quintessential First Amendment case. He started Hustler magazine and fought for everyone's free speech.

“My position is that you pay a price to live in a free society, and that price is toleration of some things you don’t like,” he once told the Seattle Times. “You have to tolerate the Larry Flynts of this world.”

The U.S. Supreme Court agreed with him at least once, when he won a long and bitter battle with the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who sued him for libel after a 1983 Hustler alcohol ad suggested Falwell had lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse.

How can you not respect this man? Read the article, it's actually fascinating.

In my opinion, police cameras are a good thing.

In the opinion of some Beverly Hills cops, they are not. If someone starts filming, the police play loud music. If the filmer tries to livestream or upload the file, it will be rejected by copyright software. Guys - now's the time for good publicity, not this crap.

• HBO Max signs "adult" cartoon about Scooby-Doos Velma.
• Although it's not written yet, LGBTQ+ advocates say the lead character isn't gay enough.

A CDC study backs mask doubling with exposure to risky particles down 83%.

No mention of quadruple masking. Tomorrow the CDC will announce the reasons we need to single-mask. Fauci will say triple-mask. The WHO will say to give them more money. I echo the old saying about ugly women: she's a double-bagger... 1 for if hers falls off, and 1 in case yours falls off.

• UK virus variant on course to sweep world!
• PANIC! shoot the limeys, don't let them into the country, stop watching British tv!

Today I identify as  an incredibly annoying piece of tape, stuck to the bottom of your shoe

Today the Russians had a great laugh about Texas never having seen ice on the roads

Disney has joined the Social Media Police in their mission by firing Gina Carano, co-star of Mandalorian, for her social media posts. Among them are memes about Jeffrey Epstein not killing himself (ummm.... people believe he killed himself?), and Jews were more subject to violence by "neighbors" than by nazis. Seems true - there are not a ton of nazis around today, but there are a ton of antisemites. I saw it growing up - it was Pick on the Jew. She also put beep/bop/boop in her profile, after she was asked to list pronouns for trans allyship. She doesn't have to show any allyship. Instead she poked fun. I do too. What is the problem here? The problem is that she doesn't toe the social media line. Imagine posting personal beliefs in a forum that has nothing to do with your work and getting fired for it. 5 years ago, this would've been funny.

Instagram banned Robert F Kennedy Jr "for repeatedly sharing debunked claims."

Football governing bodies unite to ask Twitter and Faceyspaces to "accept responsibility for preventing abuse."  I can't see the problem here...  they already ban any speech that doesn't agree with their positions.

Hey, didja read about the town in Florida that got breached, with the hacker being allowed to adjust chemicals going into the water? I've been agitated about utilities and lax security for years. Check this out:

The Florida water treatment facility whose computer system experienced a potentially hazardous computer breach last week used an unsupported version of Windows with no firewall and shared the same TeamViewer password among its employees, government officials have reported.

SCADA controls were accessed. The US wrote malware to attack SCADA in Iranian plants years ago. 

We have meet the enemy and it is us.

You must keep your operating system up to date and patched. You must not share passwords. You must use good passwords. 2 factor authentication won't hurt either. You must question the need for something like TeamViewer: the more connection points, the more points of failure. This applies to any network, including your home computer.

If you've got questions, please ask - my advice is free, and worth every bit of what you paid for it.

Dear lefty  

• My girlfriend and I are exclusive. I think she's somewhat less exclusive then me cuz she's ho-ing around town. What should I do?
• what kinda man are you who can't keep his bitches in line? never mind, shove her down the steps and find yourself an exclusive one, who will make your life sheer hell.

Mainstream or Pr0n?  Rent a Girlfriend, We Need to go Deeper, Pink Planet

Did you know that Customs is an enforcement arm for trademarks?

A lady came back from a foreign country with a couple of what looked like fake pocketbooks for gifts. She was halted and examined. The pocketbooks were taken and sent to an expert for a decision on whether they were counterfeit goods. If they were determined to be fake, they would be destroyed. 

The lady brought back some presents. She didn't have 350lbs of them to resell. Regardless, manufacturers should compete, keeping their prices within range. 

I've also seen ICE go to a flea market and raid a stall for counterfeit shirts.

• In celebration of the Mars probe about ready to reach Mars orbit, Dubai's huge Burj Khalifa building is lit up with "Mission Accomplished"
• They would have done much better with Mia Khalifa

Hope, the Dubai Mars craft, will orbit the planet for 365 days (almost a year on Earth) to study the weather. It was put together in concert with US college students, so they Hope it will stay up there. The craft will take Sundays off to work for cosmic social justice.

China's craft, Tianwen-1, will arrive in 2 days. China assures the world that it in no way has the Flying AIDS aboard, to spread to the planet. It will know what the other ships are up to because they were built with Chinese parts. It will spend way too long studying a landing site in a 4 mile deep crater, left by the last landing. It has already told the press the mission has gone perfectly.

The US craft, Perseverance, will arrive 'soon'. It will land in a crater, look for life, and study the feasibility of a McDonalds and an NFL franchise on the planet. It will join Balls, a secret craft sent to assure military superiority on the planet and wiretap any other ships around the planet. Asked why we sent a lander to one stupid crater when we sent an entire rover last time, NASA replied, "That's a good question." For special occasions, it will order dinner from the Chinese craft.

Meanwhile, the Martians are falling down with laughter. They were getting tired of writing stuff on the Mars Rover's windshield. Last time they wrote the exact arrival times of the 3 craft. Again, NASA censored all the pictures. They just got back from giving the Face on Mars a mustache. NASA will explain it away as all copies of the pictures being lost.

Things are going to get 'interesting' with the 3 ships because the Martians are irrepressible. They'll feed false data to the Dubai craft, indicating the climate is just like Los Angeles, except Mondays, when it's 400 degrees FarenKelvin. It will indicate there's a pre-built landing site to the other craft. NASA will then spend $40 billion building a landing site, because there's no life on Mars. The aliens will also get to the landers, writing "Zardok was here" in the dirt, and flattening a tire or 2 on the Rover. One favorite trick is moving the Rover 300 miles away overnight. NASA is flummoxed because the Rover has lasted 3 years, but they don't know the aliens put in a zero-point battery, which will run forever. They also reversed the left and right commands. Xrzis' picnic really got ruined that time. NASA said some dirt got in the camera and just happened to arrange itself in the pattern of aliens having a picnic. Nothing to see here.

• 100 car pileup in DFW, 5 dead, people trapped in cars
• 6:30am, no one has seen nor heard about slick and frozen roads. Some houses don't have heaters. "We Are the World, Frozen" telethon to raise money for winter coats. Bands appearing virtually. President mad because no one in the 100 crashed cars was wearing a mask or socially distanced. 

One of the greatest inventions was the auto-off iron. Although smart people stopped ironing a long time ago, the spirit of the invention was world-changing. You no longer had to remember to turn it off, nor did you have to drive back home to see if you did (several times). This opened the floodgates for similar inventions.

I would like a truly smart tv: if Wife isn't in the room for 5 seconds, it mutes all audio. If it gets to a minute, the tv shuts off. We had a chat about this, because the VOLUME of it gets into my office (and planes flying overhead), so I asked that it be muted when she walked out of the room. As a result, it is never muted. When she leaves the house, it isn't muted. Do you have any idea the animal cruelty charges there are for leaving them with a tv tuned to Wendy? Morning tv? Judge Judy?

Hmmm... how about an auto-up window feature for the car? Sometimes I look out, as it's raining, and the windows are down. "But I need the breeze." Not when you're in the house, Dear. It could be part of an Auto-Normalizer: when the engine shuts off, the windows come up, the stereo gets turned down to merely painful, and the turn signal turns off. If I'm not fully awake, I am after turning on the car.. the radio shakes the neighborhood, I'm freezing, and the turn signal makes its click clock noise. I'd pay extra for a device that vaults empty drink containers into a trash receptacle to be named later.

Know how they say you marry one of your parents? I think my poor wife married her father. Before you feel sorry for her, every other lamp in the house is on. I walk around saying, "Turn the light out." The next day is the same thing. She must have tortured her poor parents. I am told that if she did not go up the steps in a ladylike manner, she had to come back down and do it again. Being who she is, she STAMPED down the steps and STOMPED back up. Then did it again. And again, until the parents got sick of making her do it. You have to admire that. Just 1 of the reasons I married her.  So automatic lights already exist.

Automatic stove: not for my wife, but for my mother, who isn't allowed to use it anymore.   :(

We have gone through 27 kettles this year already, because they keep whistling when she goes to the bathroom. When this happens, she has taken to shooting them. I don't mind gunshots - they keep the neighbors polite, but isn't it a reasonable assumption that when you turn the burner on, it's going to whistle shortly? Maybe go to the bathroom while you're waiting for your mug to cool...

We need a gadget for this, but I'm just not sure what kind. Auto burner off after whistle?

Alarm clock technology has not kept up with the times. People set 3 alarms and either sleep through them or turn all 3 off without realizing it. I'm thinking of a less sophisticated model, using a flyswatter. BEEP BEEP BEEP SWAT. That is an alarm you're not going to sleep through or shut off without remembering it. There are no long-term injuries, and you'll have a lovely imprint on your face (or somewhere) for a few minutes. Anyone else in the house will die laughing, and the embarrassment will keep you awake until coffee.

Possibly at the top of my list would be a personal phone silencer. All calls, bleeps, bloops, messages, email, and any other stupid sound the phone can possibly make will go silent the moment the phone owner is out of the room. Of course this means the owner won't hear the phone ringing, but I consider that a non-issue, or collateral damage. I hear someone else's phone way more than she does. In fact, it doesn't make a single blip until she leaves the room, at which point, it does a demonstration of how loud it can go and how many different annoying noises it can possibly make while I'm the only one in the room. I'm not pointing fingers here - I live with 2 women, so use your imagination... one has 4 legs, the other 2. The feature will be automatic, for obvious reasons. 

Why bother listing these all individually - I'll take an auto-off house.

Better yet, an auto-off life.

My Service Aardvark Fills In When My Service Elephant Has Off

 

Your love is like a made-in-China enema kit

Every now and then I get shown a picture of someone from my past. This takes a circuitous path, especially if the picture came from Faceyspaces. I have 2 friends who send me stuff from Faceyspaces, because I don't have an account. It's like a remote Faceyspaces forwarding service. It also serves as a Faceyspaces Filter, as they only send me the important stuff, which is a picture every 6 years or so.

I hadn't heard the word cyberstalking, but I knew what it was. A friend stalked his ex-wife, another seemed to stalk his friends, and some of mine (I don't understand this.. you've read the blog - I'm not that interesting). Faceyspaces was initially referred to as a place to go to get looked up by people in your 1st grade class or the guy who taught you donkey riding when you were 8 (he always seemed needy, even though you didn't know what needy was either). 

One of my forwarding people sent me pics of people in my old group (the guy who stalked my friends). It was only 50% frightening. One guy was standing there at his sink, missing only a towel for drying the dishes. The female singer... well... she had gone into weightlifting. Or houselifting. People like this sort of thing, mostly the lifters themselves, but I don't. I don't want a woman who can bench press me. If you bump into her in the middle of the night, either you'll bounce off, or she'll make you wish you were dead. It's a bad look for a singer too, unless you're Henry Rollins. Henry is very muscular, and when you pair it with the 'I'm going to kill you and eat your bones' look in his eyes, it sorta works. She, meanwhile, was pretty, and I emphasize the past tense. I'm not sure how you get dates looking like this, except maybe other female lifters, and she wasn't into that. 

So it's good to have someone checking up on your past and sending you current pictures. Ok, it really isn't.

Today I identify as  Ed Sheeran. God, I hate myself.

Life is a learning process. By this I mean that I say stupid shit, and well-meaning people tell me that wasn't the right thing to say at that particular moment, to that particular person. I think it happened again today. The developers from a very large, international corporation asked how my team liked their new interface. All I said was "The interface designers all had some sort of interesting visual impairment." Even if no one tells me I goofed, total and complete silence is usually an indicator. Don't ever tell me I don't pick up on subtle cues.

My boss, bless him, was warned about me. He used to defuse bombs, so nothing rattles him. While this works greatly in my favor, if I'm having a particularly edgy day, and the potato chip clips on my balls aren't doing their job, sometimes I forget to 'play nice'. I figure I'll have this whole thing down sometime after retirement.

Retirement poses its own challenges, as do days off. Currently it's only a days off issue. I don't do well with vacation. I tried to get work to pay me for vacation days not taken, but they filed the idea with all my other ideas, in a special round file, near my personnel file. I told them if they insist I take days off, I'll just get into things, and do they want that on their conscience. They're still 'evaluating' my suggestion. We know I'm helpless around the house, and Mrs lefty is getting tired of my constant demands for boom boom, so she sends me out of the house. This is where the trouble starts. Whenever I'm separated from my couch, I don't know what to do with myself, so the Buying starts. Only I can never find anything I like, so it becomes an exercise in frustration. This is even worse during the holidays (which seem to come weekly at the mall). The only drinks available are at Starbucks, and I don't like Starbucks, so I have a habit of disposing of the drinks in 'interesting' ways. 3 story malls are interesting, but we shan't go there, on advice of my lawyer. I really don't like people, so malls can get tedious, especially around the holidays. We used to have a tradition of going to malls on Xmas eve, getting hot chocolate, and watching people run around like pure idiots, but even that has lost its luster with the Flying AIDS. I could go to the mall without a mask and try to get thrown out, but even that sounds boring. Or a mask that says FLYING AIDS on it. Everyone must be reading this blog because whenever I say Flying AIDS, they know exactly what I'm talking about, including doctors.

Upon further study, I just checked and I have damn near 7 hours to burn off or I lose them. 7 hours! I'm giddy with delight. I shall wake the Mrs and we can plan how to spend it. That's damn near a whole day!  I could start work, eat lunch, then take off the rest of the day, all without leaving the house. Unfortunately this leaves me back at being separated from my beloved couch. I can't bear to go shopping, even for guitars, with these stupid masks. It should be pretty funny at Guitar Center, where musicians, who are the rebels of society, pee their pants if somebody isn't wearing a mask.

And this, Your Honor, is why it's just best to leave me on the couch, with something to do.

• The FAA cleared the Boeing 737 MAX for flight again.
• Are you ready to fly on one?
• Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy) refers to flying as 'throwing yourself at the ground and missing.' Let's hope the plane continues to miss.

In case you're interested, torrents available for download today are courses in Blender, R programming, The Long Kiss Goodnight, and something called I F'd My Step-daughter after Bowling Night. This sounds... errr.... umm... interesting. Of course I mean R programming. Blender is pure smut.

• Scientists, via the New Horizons, discover space isn't pitch black after all
• It's Pepto pink 

But seriously, folks, there is a Jimi Hendrix movie coming out, called Live in Maui. I saw "Voodoo Child" from it and it was intense. The man was a guitar god and no one has surpassed him. If he were alive today, there's no telling what he'd be into, but it would be good.

Also out is more from the Zappa vault. The Mothers 1970 is a period I really like, with Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan on vocals (they used to be called The Turtles). 

Dear lefty 

• What hurts more - thumb tacks or wood slivers under the fingernails?
• Ok, you got me there-I have no idea. Why don't you stop by this weekend and we'll do the science

A massive hack by a state-funded Chinese hacking group hit companies around the world. You gotta admit, China has some solid steel balls. First it's Huawei, then the Flying AIDS, now hacking. They're making a good case for 'regime change' or nuclear test bed. Nah-let's send the CIA in to 'advise' the leaders.

Flying AIDS news

The CDC is pleading with Americans not to travel for Thanksgiving. They will have an employee in every airport, pleading with you personally. At the end of the day, the employee will fly home.

The CDC also warns against non-household members for turkey, and will station one staff member per block to knock down on doors to check.

Jumping on the bandwagon, a Fresno bishop urged Catholics not to 'jump on the vaccine bandwagon'. He has concerns about stem cells, referring to them as morally objectionable materials. Fresno Catholics have concerns about some of the priests' morally objectionable behavior, which is way down on the bishop's list of morally objectionable things.

At the last Bishops' Conference, it was decided that whenever someone mentioned child molestation, they would say "LOOK- STEM CELLS!"

A Los Angeles stay-at-home order might be issued. This could be very beneficial to the rest of the country, but not for the reason Idiot Governor proposed it. Many have suggested Los Angeles stay at home, especially around awards time.

In England, extensive tracking shows the Flying AIDS caught from supermarkets. The British are cautioned to avoid shopping for food.

There's always one: in Philly, a woman wrote #stopthespread and hung masks from her tree. The masks went overnight, but local officials couldn't bear to tell her hashtags don't work on trees.

There's always another one: Idiot Governor's Health Secretary insists masks be worn outside AND inside the house.  Banned are indoor gatherings, indoor dining, casinos, gyms, museums, and libraries. Idiot Governor said they have no intention of implementing another broad-based shutdown (aside from indoor gatherings, indoor dining, casinos, gyms, museums, and libraries). #ImpeachWolf.

A group of restaurant owners are suing Philly over the restrictions. Philly's immediate reaction was 'restrictions are temporary, death is permanent'. Rights are temporary, abusers are permanent. YOU voted these people in, Philly. #ImpeachKenny 

• if you have seborrhea (scalp itchies), you should probably not pronounce it 'gonorrhea,' especially to your mom or doctor. Don't ask.

That didn't take long?

The UK revealed its Space Force and some sort of AI agency.

Philly Mayor blames Flying AIDS, says Space Force has to stay home and wear masks.

Today in Los Angeles Superior Court, a class action suit was filed, claiming racism in the lack of news coverage of rock and roll one-on-one crime. Robert Plant says no one knows he shot Steven Tyler, Freddie Mercury's estate noted no coverage of his West vs East feud with Tom Petty, and to this day, no one knows how many of Scott Weiland's girlfriends were stolen by Kurt Cobain. Dave Grohl's machine-gunning of Pearl Jam at an awards show never got out, nor did Jimi Hendrix's ongoing theft of Janis Joplin's drugs, which she claimed was the reason she shot him. Plant said, "Yeah, everyone carried a piece. Hardly a car ride was had without a shooting."

The plaintiffs allege that no coverage was given to their violent, drug-filled feuds 'because we were white.' Reached at his satanic mansion, somewhere in the middle of England, Jimmy Page said, "Yeah, it wash like that. I mean.. the 70s were a time of great violence in Rock. Plus we didn't have stupid names like 'Stallion', 'Weekend Chance' or 'Bieber'. I would have died of embarrassment if my manager said to call me Jimmy Thee Mare. First of all, it's spelled wrong, then a mare is female, which nobody seems to question. It's obviously race-fuelled."

All attempts to reach Jimi Hendrix have been futile.

TV is awash with commercials for stuff with beets. If you take the stuff, you'll feel better, more mentally awake, and your nostrils will be larger. Over the years, scientists have worked with beets, and discovered that the problem with beets is that they taste like beets. Yes, they give you all the benefits, but they remain fully adamant in tasting like beets. One product attempted to circumvent this issue by telling you their product has a nice cherry flavor. Or sawdust.

Strangely enough, a beet product appeared in my kitchen. The other day I seriously needed a boost (and to be honest, a little bit of nostril enlargement) Bravely, I put on my armor and mixed it with 8oz (17km Canadian) of water. In addition to all my other areas of impairment, I cannot tell what 8oz of water is. Might be a coffee cup, might be a gas tank. I went for a happy medium - a beer barrel. Cautiously I put it near my mouth... I was already up one(!)-it didn't smell. With a true sense of false bravado, I put some in my mouth. This was my second mistake. OMG, this shit tastes like beets!  Apparently the brand that appeared did not have the good grace to taste like something else. Even broccoli would have been fine. Brussels sprouts. Dog poop. GOOD LORD - BEETS! 

I called in my Head Purchaser, who seemed surprised, even though she purchased it. This is the same purchaser who knows not to let cranberry come within 6 miles of my turkey. She put on her lead apron and tasted it. I gathered, from her rapid trip to the bathroom and resulting noises, she wasn't fond of it either (and she likes beets). She said it would be better in yogurt.

The following morning we had the Scientists in to do the Science. It turns out only 0.00061% of people like beets, and none of them are in North America. Or Earth. In fact, even food banks will refuse beets, as not even the hungry will take them, so they sit there, growing an odd, green fuzz, which eventually evolves the power to speak. If you don't like the flavor, you don't want to hear what they have to say.

So I tentatively dropped a spoonful of beet powder into my yogurt, with the promise that the purchaser would eat it if I didn't like it. Ok, I'm game. First we did some Science, bending down and presenting the powder to the dog. The dog was thrilled, wagged her tail like mad, took one sniff, then walked away. Have you ever seen a lemon face on a dog? It's not pretty. The scientists were aghast. Bouyed by the dog's input, I tried the yogurt. Within a second, I had taken up my purchaser's offer to eat it if I didn't like it, and placed it near her. She hasn't eaten it and I think it's about to say something. I understand not being able to camouflage it in water, but yogurt? I think it refuses to mix with anything out of spite. So you get crunchy yogurt, which might as well be Whizzo Assortment's Crunchy Frog. Even Clorox bleach wouldn't get the taste out of my mouth. So the Emergency Room Special Stomach Squad is on Standby, as is SWAT.

Happys - magic day for guitar players

Dr John

Duane Allman

Frank Marino

Joe Walsh

Please - I Beg You: Do Not Eat Buildings

Your love is like  a peaceful Antifa riot

• DEFINITION: debate - the sound of 2 people lying

Russian interference in the upcoming elections continues, with 2 sightings of American flags outside Russian houses.

A Place for Everything. That changes daily.  

Mrs lefty is 'cleaning'.   [insert serious music]

This is not to say she doesn't clean... it just looks different from other people's cleaning.

Men have a generic disposition toward not being able to find stuff. I can't explain it - it just is. This is immediately made worse when my wife moves stuff. It is then made impossible because she doesn't know where she put it.

Hey Honey, where's the bbq sauce?

On the rack. 

I'm looking on the rack and there's no bbq sauce.

Harumph. [looks on rack] I thought it was on the rack, but it's not here.

Now I feel a little better, but I still need bbq sauce.

Last time someone didn't put the lid on and it exploded across the floor.

Ah, I didn't know that. But I still need the sauce.

Try this.

I don't like that - that's your sauce.

I think I have some downstairs, next to the washer.

I don't want to trouble you, so next time I'll look next to the washer. Am I likely to find other stuff next to the washer, like milk or frozen burgers?

No, that stuff doesn't go there. Where were you raised, Kentucky? 

As a matter of fact, I spent some time in Kentucky, and made it out anyway. This morning I couldn't find the creamer.

That's because it's on the floor, in the bathroom.

Do I want to know why creamer is in the bathroom?

I was cleaning.

Let me see if I can follow this... the creamer was on the table, but you moved it to the kitchen because the container needed to be cleaned?

No, I moved it to the kitchen because the sugar container needed to be cleaned.

Ok, that makes perfect sense. How did the creamer wind up in the bathroom?

That's easy - I was cleaning the kitchen.

I will never understand what things are like in your world.

You don't want to.

I have to go now. Mrs lefty's phone alarm is going off. Unfortunately, she's in bed and the phone's near me. Now I have to get up and wake her. If this is a Process, it's brilliant: she sleeps through alarms, but not if I wake her. But it's not a Process - she just forgot to take her phone to bed. I married a brilliant woman.. we just have no idea where she went.

The Process of cleaning is also fascinating.

Half of the cleaning in one room gets done, then it's outside for some needed mowing and shining up the ICBMs. For our entire marriage, she has insisted that this is the only way she can clean - bits at a time, then bits somewhere else. 

I go along with this because I like my private parts.

After mowing, it's off to visit some family. Then shopping. Then spending huge amounts of money at the vet for Doggy X-rays, to make sure Penny doesn't have any more cancer (she came with that name - we wanted Sybil). The end result of this is an entire house half-cleaned. "But I can only do it this way," she tells me. And how's that workin' out for ya? Half the living room is spotless. Unfortunately we occupy the other half.

At this point, you're asking yourself what kind of motherf-er doesn't help his wife clean? The kind who knows what's good for him, that's what kind. I tried a long time ago and am lucky to have gotten away with my head. If I move her Stuff, she will no longer know where it is (even if I put it by the washer). This caused great unrest with the troops, so I only touch my stuff. Sometimes she touches my stuff too, and not in a pleasing way. My head starts hurting and I'm forced to ask her why she touches my stuff, when there's an entire room full of her stuff. I can't tell you the answer because I don't want your head to hurt too.

I have an idea.... I'm going to get the front end loader (from the bathroom) and gently front end load into boxes. She won't remember what was there and I'll be the hero (until she can't find her extensive collection of WWII rations figurines). So if there are no blog updates after tomorrow, I'll be dead and you'll never find my body (even by the washer).

The Flying AIDS is having effects on Thanksgiving, with 30% taking guests' temperature before letting them in.

Aunt Bertha, so great to see you! Stand still, so this nice man from Homeland Security can take your temperature. Here - install this tracking app.

Over 50% say they're enforcing social distancing at their next party.

Cindy... if you're going to suck face with Bob, do it from at least 6' away.

Almost 50% are keeping comprehensive lists of attendees, in case of trouble.

The FBI is in a tizzy, because it's their job, unless it's phone calls and emails, in which case it's the NSA. Neither agency has had turkey in 50 years.

40% are having virtual Thanksgiving this year.

No, Uncle Stewart, for the 40th time, I cannot pass you the pig head.
Gee, this virtual Thanksgiving thing sure was a nifty idea. I think I've officially started my seasonal depression!  Hey kids... let's play video games! Oh. Hey, did you ever hear the one about..YES-YOU TELL US EVERY TIME YOU SEE US. Who's at the door? SHHHHHHH - quick,under the table... I think it's antifa.


Irony: I'm the best person in the world to invite to your party because I never leave the house to pick up the Flying AIDS. I'm also the least likely to show up. Never mind.

• Trumpie quit the 2nd debate and said Obama should be arrested.
• He's at least 50% right and, as usual, entertaining.
• Nothing of significance is learned from debates. He can continue to work and cause further damage, and/or hilarity.

Here's lefty's Election Guide - a non-partisan, hopefully helpful look at what you'll get with each candidate:

• Trump: 4 more years of unending whining, re-impeachment trials, pre-impeachment trials, and absolutely no work done by Congress except expanding the debt.
• Biden: President Harris, government expansion, tax expansion, debt expansion
• Jo Jorgensen: smaller government, lower taxes, and Spike Cohen as VP. Spike was just added to the smallest book ever - "Jewish People Named Spike".
• As you make your decision, remember: the debt is now larger than the economy. This fact belongs to no party or individual.

Today I identify as  the last laptop you broke and threw out

Dear lefty

• What did you do over the 3 day weekend?
• The Universe found out and gave me a fever. And the room spins more than normal. I don't mind - I haven't been to the amusement park in a long time.

• I was thinking... (uh-oh)... I'm tired of seeing a speaker with a sign language interpreter next to him/her. You can click a button and get it on your tv. Perhaps we should make things more interesting.. a woman converting the speech into interpretive dance. With very little clothing. Whatever the speaker has to say probably isn't that important anyway...

I'm still so broken up about Eddie Van Halen that I can't be bothered to come up with any 'comforting Valerie Bertinelli' jokes.

• Birds are crashing into New York City buildings in record numbers
• ISIS!!!! bin Ladin!!!!
• Halliburton just won a $12 billion contract to study how the birds work and develop a defense

(Bloomberg) -- Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger said the U.S. and China must establish rules of engagement for their increasingly tense competition or risk recreating the uncertainty that characterized global politics leading up to World War I.

Pro Tip: Cancel your China trip. NOW.
If Henry mentions it, it's in the works.
Henry's 97. Those reptilians live forever.

• There are cotton candy grapes. I kid you not. Guess what they taste like...

I now have my first transexual in the extended family. It's a milestone.
It took a while too. I thought the kid was just gay, but apparently this issue is going to cost a lot more than regular old gay. It's not unreasonable for me to think gay, because his school pictures include his arts posse, none of which has natural hair or clothing. No girlfriend - ever. No boyfriend either.

Let's think about this seriously...
Can you imagine the conversation with your child?
"Hey Mom.... got a thing to tell you. No big deal. I'm trans and taking hormones."
[Law and Order noise]
Uh....
Check out this new dress. And these C's.  Uh - Dad's not impressed. I think the phrase was 'Get outta here, you stupid, dress-wearing faggot'."
That's terrible - I'll have a talk with him. So, uh, how did this come about?"
"Well, I don't care about operating the remote control, I can organize a house and know where everything is, and I think Johnny Depp is HOT."
What will you do with your male bit?
"I'm going to cut it off, bronze it, and put it on the mantle as a trophy."
I see.
"We can wear the same size! Let's go shopping!"
"Please forgive me - I don't hear this every day. I have to pull my head back off the ceiling. By the way, lefty says if you turn out really hot, he'll do you."
"I don't know... I've known him since I was little... he's.... umm.... too big, yeah, that's it, too big. And he's almost family - that would be like incest. You've told me all my life not to f*ck family."

And what are we supposed to do - send a card?

Hallmark's jumping for joy at all the new cards....
Congrats on cutting your dick off
Careful of the bees - the boo-bees
Are You Still Going to Fix My Car?
Sorry I gave you herpes
Happy Non-Binary Birthday
Black Lives Matter, but you matter most

How about a Victoria's Secret gift card? (do I really want to think about this?)
A $100 certificate to Breasts R Us?
Shoe Warehouse?

I am not prepared for this.


---> But seriously.... can you imagine feeling like you're in the wrong body?
I'm in the wrong body. Mine should be good looking.

Happys 

Johnny Ramone

CJ Ramone

Cindy Ramone

Antler Ramone

That John Lennon guy
John Entwistle - The Who

Not So Happys 

BJ Wilson - drummer - Procol Harum

SJW Silliness 

VP debate: Did gender play a role in the [debate] interruptions?

Sparky Lowenstein Eats Ants

Your love is like a birthday cake on fire

• Police departments across the nation are experiencing retirements and great difficulty recruiting.  Why wouldn't recruits be standing in line? 

Dear lefty 

• Somebody suggested we go to a club and hear a dj set. What is that?
• the result of someone being too cheap to hire a band 

RIP Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Her wish was that she not be replaced until the next administration. If Trump gets re-elected, she'll spin in her grave. Meanwhile, Trump says Ginsburg's wish was written by Schiff, Schumer, and Pelosi. Fire them all.

• I know you're wondering what's in wildfire smoke. Find out.
• Let's think really good Thermionic Thoughts for the people stuck there. Take a minute, please. Every thought counts. It's a mess out there.

Hey, if the Flying AIDS has hurt your financial prospects, re-invent yourself. This is the 20s - be creative - fill a need. The nation needs people to create Video Spaces. These are the clean, clear, well-lit spaces people need when they have video conferences with others. They make other people think they live in a clean, clear, well-lit space; while the truth is there's a crew from Hoarders on their way out. Think about it....

Fortunately I don't have to video conference. If my boss ever asks, I tell him the entire area is full of things people would find offensive, and I wouldn't want to offend anyone. He knows me well, so I don't have to video conference.

And speaking of the Flying AIDS, all the 'experts' have decided to get together to make this a happier, healthier, and more intelligent world. The World Health Organization/UN says the Flying AIDS could spread through airborne particles that can remain suspended in the air and travel beyond six feet. The CDC has previously said the virus mainly spreads from person to person through respiratory droplets when a sick person coughs, sneezes or talks. Except for a statement 'posted in error' that said ... something or other.... forgot about airborne transfer... virus spreads through air, travels beyond 6 feet.... Monday is a bad day to change things, especially if people are watching.

Got that?


We know I don't get out much, but when I do, I see everyone walking around with masks inside and it bothers me to the depths of my soul. Not that they're wearing masks-I am too. Just that we're where we are. Usually this kind of reaction means something...



Kinky

Tinder date chopped into 11 pieces after being stabbed to death during sex.



All passengers on Epstein's flight logs to be named 'sparking panic among rich pals'. The Attorney General for the US Virgin Islands is demanding them. Las Vegas oddsmakers expect the Attorney General to 'commit suicide' on the day of delivery.

In other news, China is making all sorts of claims, including an attack on a US base, showing clips from Hollywood action movies. Most countries agree it's bad form to bomb China, but we have a secret weapon: the Motion Picture Association of America. As soon as it finds out China is violating copyrights, it will immediately issue a stack of injunctions, then sue China into non-existence. Let the lawyers do what the stealth bombers can't.

Relationships have many stages, especially long-term relationships. I'm still trying to figure out which stage we're in. Last week she looks at me and says, "You look gray." Alrighty then... it's probably not my age, so...

Last night she looked at me and said, "It looks like somebody punched you in the eye." Show me the person who says romance is dead... and I'll beat them over the head with a baseball bat.

• It was so cold outside the other night, my nipples were chattering

DOJ Designates New York City as an “Anarchist Jurisdiction”
We're not quite at Peak Weird, but we're getting there.

• The grocery store has Chocolate Frosted Flakes again!
• The plastic inside is tougher (I ate through the box).

RANT

We have had occasion to rent cars over the past few years. Every one of them has sucked, especially the most recent, a Toyota Corolla, apparently considered midsize. It's small, plastic, and gives no confidence in its ability to continue being a car. Some of my rant comes from growing up with Real Cars<tm>, which normal people call Land Yachts. All of the sudden, cars got horribly small, because of gas prices. However, no one at all made a large car - large was still pretty damn small. The SUVs are large-ish, but carry less than the old station wagons. If these gas-hogging vehicles are so damn popular, why not a large car still? It's funny to note our ancient Hyundai, our first small car (which everyone still says is large) is far superior to any rental we've had. They keep getting smaller, using more plastic, and riding like crap. All we really want is a large car with great ride. Mrs lefty has all sorts of back problems, so comfort is important. The final word on the Toyota is 'it rides like shit' and 'even the steering wheel is too small.'

The reissue of the super sportsters, like the Camaro and Challenger, proves there's a market for large cars. They don't even have to make them muscle cars. Nostalgia is something on which to capitalize - the guitar market is full of it.

/END RANT

Births

Bobby Tench - Jeff Beck Group
Don Felder - Eagles
Faith Hill - [sigh]
Nuno Bettencourt - Extreme
Mama Cass Elliot - a Mama with the Papas (Ellen Naomi Cohen)
Lita Ford - 62!!! metal momma


Exits

Jaco Pastorius - Weather Report, simply the best
Boz Burrell - Bad Company
Leonard Skinner - high school gym teacher, inspiration for Lynyrd Skynyrd
Slim Dusty, Skeeter Davis - go ahead and guess what kind of music they played

SJW Sniveling

JK Rowling banned from bookshelves to create a ‘safe space for the trans community’  Book burnings! Harry Potter Dons Dior!

Church's woke advert featuring a bearded Jesus with women's breasts and make-up sparks outrage


Twitter investigates racial bias in image previews

  also font color and size 

Captivity - Day 92 That's NOT My Keys

I'm listening to the scanner, because there's unrest in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
There's unrest all over the place, but at least Tulsa has an accent. Here's a report you probably don't hear often: "Man with an AR-15, white shirt. A group of them, all with body armor."  Now that's a parade!


Mrs lefty, knowing my abject hatred of those masks, bought me a... umm... thing... it's a black stretchy tubey thing that you put your head through. It sits on your neck and you raise it to cover your face and nose. It's black, so it's very nice and warm in the 85 degree weather. When I went to get our malts, other people were wearing their regular Stupid White Masks<tm>. I had my Stupid Black Mouth Rag. It occurred to me that the employees can no longer tell the customers from the robbers. Black Hoodies Matter. Dairy Queen was all set up for the Flying AIDS: only 4 in the store at one time. There were huge red X's on the floor, so we could maintain social distancing. I wanted to puke, but I wanted a malt* more. Around here, you have to belt your drinks in, even with a carrier, because the people on the roads shouldn't be. When you have to brake, the malts will go flying. Nothing screws up a day like a damaged malt.


Earlier this evening, on the longest day of the year, Uranus was in retrograde.
It is always good to know where Uranus has been.


IRS Used Cellphone Location Data to Try to Find Suspects
They failed, fortunately for our rights. "But I have nothing to fear... I don't break the law."  Actually you do: your civil rights are being usurped. You have a right to the pursuit of happiness, speech, assembly, guns, not having your privacy invaded and property stolen, etc. Each time you ignore this, you're that much closer to losing your rights permanently.


These kids today.... they don't even know how to roll down a car window.


Muhammed Ali, Jr, son of his father, says Muhammed Ali would be against Black Lives Matter, calling the movement "racist" and the protesters "devils."

Speaking of BLM: a black preacher informed the crowd that 'Planned Parenthood #1 killer of blacks.'
Never one to avoid non-sequitirs, she continued with, 'The reason blacks don't play golf is the shit those honkies wear.'



The Chinese media proposes Beijing pass 'George Floyd Human Rights Bill.'
Stop it. Stop it.
The problem with Chinese laws is that after an hour, you have to pass another law.
But seriously, folks, America thanks China for the tribute as it passes the 'Victims of Coronavirus Rights Bill.'



Newspapers have crosswords.
Other blogs have great content.
I have... ummm...  a test of perception:

.   .

Above we have 2 periods.
One is a regular period, the other is an italic period. Can you tell me which is which?




* What is a malt? You know those malted milk balls with the chocolate shell? The light part is a powder and it's blended in with a milkshake. It's a delight, and by that, you can tell I'm a real simpleton who doesn't get out much.

we call this piece "How to get your cause ignored"

Captivity - Day 81 Motorcycling Hamsters

The sun's out again. I'm still watching carefully.
My personal fan's already running, making work conferences that much more interesting.
There are no mowers or construction today, which also makes me nervous. Perhaps as a result, Mrs lefty is spreading Stuff on the weeds grass.
We have differing opinions on grass. While we both are ok with it, the maintenance is the dividing line. As you know, I'd rather drive backwards, drinking bleach, while blindfolded, than mow. I prefer the use of fire for grass. As it appears she doesn't, we're looking at other methods. Whatever she wants, it comes with a mind-boggling set of instructions that are performed over 4 days, if the weather is ok. If not, it can take the entire summer, with rain, clouds, and her husband's downright refusal to mow.

If you follow the first set of instructions, you mow on the first day, wait 2 days, then put the de-Weeder down; unless you are using the Feeder, in which case you have to make sure it doesn't rain for 3.5 days. If there are any ants about, you have to count them. If there are less than 14,954, you wait for a few more days. If there are more, go on vacation to a rainy place, then come home and ignore the )$#$ing grass. Backing up, you can't mow if it has rained in 2 days, or the mower starts to laugh very quietly, which sets off the trees. In 5 minutes, the entire yard is laughing to you, or at least that's what you're hearing. At this point you can get out of the entire project by telling police or a convenient hospital that you're hearing voices. When you get there, and they ask your spouse what the voices are saying, they can say "I don't know - I can't hear them."

And that's how you keep your grass well-fed, green, and free of weeds.



As bad as things are in the world, the optimists (and pessimists) tell you it could always be worse.

They're right.

According to a Bernstein analyst, Apple should purchase DuckDuckGo.
Sorry, Bernstein, but this just won't work for me.
Yes, it would create a problem for Google, as you say. But it would put my favorite search engine with my less favorite computer ecosystem.

So, nice try and all.....

Discussion used to have at least 2 sides, and nothing was locked out.
The thick black line wasn't there. Have you noticed the line has suddenly appeared, and is moving to the right?  Several stories have come to light that show this. You can discuss anything on the right. However, left of the line is verboten. You can no longer speak of certain things, rendering your discussion worthless. One of the top guys at the Philadelphia Inquirer stepped down after an editorial titled "Buildings Matter Too". He went to the left of that line. Political Correctness has gone off the charts, and seems to be moving in the wrong direction. Think about it....


New in the discussion of The Flying AIDS is research into when it started in China.  You're saying to yourself, how can anyone know when it started in China?  Satellite imagery shows when traffic to hospitals was up.


Tinder is in trouble, in these days of The Flying AIDS. You can't hook up if you can't leave your place (or your selection doesn't work in an essential business). While we're locked down, Tinder has rebranded as SexTinder. You flip through the candidates and select the one(s) you want to sext. You have to do the in-person work yourself.

Walmart Ate My Coronavirus

Not everything must be complex and involve computers and hacking.
A teen walked into a Walmart in Joliet, IL, wearing a mask and a sign that said I have the coronavirus." He sprayed Lysol on produce, clothing, and other products. He and his buddy were arrested for disorderly conduct, retail theft, and criminal tresspass.

This is the kind of independent thinking we need in our youth today. Anybody can phone in a bomb threat - this took preparation and setup. I think we should start a fund for his defense.

• My friend's boss gave him a new term: maintenance window.
• I think he jumped out.

Tom Steyer, Dem hopeful, is calling for a $22 minimum wage.
It's great to see such naked pandering so early.

• We finally figured out how mosquitos sense our warmth. Part of it is exhaling carbon dioxide when we breathe. If we don't want our blood sucked, the only reasonable solution is to stop breathing.

Curious about the US budget?
Check out Science magazine.
They identify it as Trump's Budget, then mention it drowns science agencies in red ink. I'm sure there's implicit bias, coming from Science magazine.
What's very interesting is not the budget cuts, but the Budget.
It is incredibly difficult to elicit my sympathy for a 6% cut to the National Science Foundation, when the final number is $6.328 billion. If you read it this way, it might be considerably more interesting. The numbers are for the research component, so the figures may not be the entire budget for the unit.
That said, the remaining budget for these research areas is 59.951 billion.
Add many other departments, plus the Black Budget, and you begin to understand why your taxes are so ridiculously high. Imagine if you were 'allowed' to keep most of your own money.


Taking a momentary break from defending the planet, or whatever it is they do, Space Force is desperately searching for a short name to call themselves, like the short names the other branches of the military have. Therefore, they're crowdsourcing it. Back on the Old Days<tm>, we just Asked People. Now we crowdsource. Speaking to the internet is probably not the smartest idea....  none of the pre-existing suggestions are any good (Guardian, vanguard, sentinel). Therefore it is incumbent upon us to help out...

• UFO Fighters
• Spaceheads
• Tax Increasers
• Zero Gravity Jockeys
• Rocket Humpers
• Satellite Farmers
• Space d00ds
• Paratrumpers

Humor me for a minute.... 

The navy has ships.

The air force has planes.

The army has tanks.

The marines have scuba guys who do Bad Stuff for the CIA.

What does Space Force have?

If I understand correctly, the newest tech we've seen, aside from the secretive triangular thing that just got tested, is still the Saturn V (40s technology from former nazi, Werner von Braun) and the Space Shuttle. Any follower of history or even casual observer, knows there's something else we aren't privy to. How does Space Force get to Space? Do they cruise the moon to pick up Space Chicks? Do they run around in the Aurora, a triangular craft? Is there something newer, something triangular, that might be able to hover in-place and sometimes gets mistaken for a UFO (that doesn't exist)? Maybe they just do weird stuff to other countries' satellites.

While we're on the topic, Popular Mechanics ran a story on the government's UFO program. It's interesting. It gives a view into secret government programs too. Worth a read, keeping in mind that this is the public level; the one you're allowed to see. UFO research has been going on forever, but this particular 'disclosure' is somehow being allowed to go public. If you think UFO research started a number of years ago, with a $22 million program, I have some nuclear cold fission patents to sell you.

• Weird, unseen auto industry inventions.

Today's Special List of concerts the promoter knows I want to see, starts out with Janet Jackson and Backstreet Boys. Ummmm... guys - it's time to fire your algorithm. Yeah, Frankie Valli too: we don't really have 4 seasons here. On a positive note, the Black Crowes are touring, as is John Fogerty.

Dear lefty:

• What do I do with my erection?
• Just keep it away from women - we don't need you reproducing.

VITAMIN D ALERT

This is a warning to avoid vitamin D: it is very troublesome.
It comes in tiny little football-shaped capsules, and without fail, it will roll off any surface it's on. I spend 10 minutes every morning, trying to locate the little bastard on the carpet. It blends in.

• Stop what you're doing and watch this. Joe Bonamassa and Eric Gales jamming. It will tear your head off. I'm still looking for mine.

Today I identify as   a plaid suit



I am pleasantly surprised to read that Trump just signed an order to test the US infrastructure's vulnerability to GPS outage. I guess he's secretly reading this blog. For my next trick, I suggest that we figure out what happens to planes and other things if GPS goes down. We also need to secure our insecure infrastructure, like power generation.

• Today's best line: You just cannot kill everybody who doesn't agree with you.
• Uh-oh

Bloomberg considers Hillary as running mate.
Sound the air raid sirens! Barge the bilge! Muck up the mizzenmunch! Stock up on babies to snack on -- Satan's personal representative is back! But wait a minute... wasn't the Chosen One supposed to be president? Bloomberg is sexist!

• Sex robots may cause psychological damage. 
• Paid for by the League of Frightened Women  

Heroes of the Stupid

Pets in China are being forced to wear bizarre face masks because their crazy owners are terrified they may catch coronavirus.



Heroes

There's no question about it - social media is toxic. It's best to take a break to get back in the real world for a bit. Somewhat less toxic are the email groups, for special interests. There's a (police/fire) scanner group, with all the technical people and knowledge you can ask for. Most recently, there were a ton of messages to and from "Robert." The last one had Robert thanking everybody for not making fun of him; he's autistic and takes a little longer to understand things, but really likes his scanner. Looking back over the previous messages, one could see many in the group helping Robert, step by step if necessary, to get set up.

There are many stories like this. They just get swallowed up by the words of assholes.




SJW Slop



Transgender ideology can take on a comical character, as in a recent American Civil Liberties Union commentary objecting to sales tax on tampons and similar products while pondering: “How can we recognize that barriers to menstrual access are a form of sex discrimination without erasing the lived experiences of trans men and non-binary people who menstruate, as well as women who don’t?”

There Are Some Days, and This Is One

This is the kind of thing we read this blog for: a Michigan highway billboard was hacked to play porn for 15-20 minutes. This is positive hacking. They destroyed nothing, made some people happy, possibly caused some outrage and a car crash, and everybody gets a funny story. I'd avoid the rush, however, to move to Michigan, as police have a bit of video and are searching for the perps.

For those of you who are upset about their work computer being locked down, there's a fake browser update that will infect the entire network with banking trojans. If you're locked down and updates are automatically installed for you, this won't matter.

Anyone who has read at least one of these entries knows of my great love for Faceyspaces. Well, it hurts like hell, but I have to back Faceyspaces. No, really.  Attorney General Bill Barr, along with the UK and Australia, is about to ask Lord Zuck not to go ahead with his plans for end-to-end encryption across its messaging services until it can guarantee the added privacy does not reduce public safety.

When you're done producing filling for your barf bag, allow me to translate: We, the Five Eyes, are rather upset at your attempt to keep all of your information away from our five prying eyes. If you don't leave everything wide open or accept one of our Extremely Safe Backdoors, you are making it very difficult for us to steal scan your information for terroristic threats and to keep the world safe from democracy. Because everybody except lefty and two of his friends uses Faceyspaces, it is our largest source of information. If you do not allow us access, we will convince the founder of Faceyspaces, the NSA, to allow us access.

Remember when back doors were something fun?



Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• There are only 2 classes of people: Munsters and Addams Family

Today I identify as a shrubbery



China recently celebrated 70 years of communism with parades and displays of weapons. And riots and a shooting of a protester. The people of the People's Republic also celebrate, but only when they're told to.

In unrelated news, The US celebrated their public education system by publishing these stunning results: first in spending of any country per student, 38th in results.

In yet still more actively unrelated news, Maria Bartiromo reports that... well... I don't really care - look at that face. She's a classic.

In related news, police are filing criminal charges against the person they shot during the riots.    I always say, "If you shoot them, they'll never do it again."  

The young man will be charged with rioting and assaulting a policeman.
Back in Tianamen Square, the lone protester was finally charged with assaulting a tank.

No thank you, I'd rather spend a few weeks with with Richard Nixon, in his  underground bunker.

• Every now and then, one must give thanks for even random positive events: today I'm thankful that the new project will no longer require Windows 10. I argued so politely and so strenuously, they redid the project just for me.
• Sometimes a good thing comes in the middle of tragedy. This is one.

Bernie Sanders, genial old Silly Person, noted communist, and inveterate alpaca plooker, said there should be no more billionaires*. What a funny old dude. He says random sentences with 'free' in them, generating cheers from his fanbase; like Bruce Springsteen, but much more expensive.

*Unrelated news: Billionaires said there should be no more Bernie Sanders.

• Today I want to share something of great import. I feel it will enrich your life and keep your kids happy too. Unfortunately I already forgot what it is. The mind is a terrible thing to... ummmm...

I am proud to let everyone know I like Orange Crush.
I am proud to raise my eyebrow upon seeing a bottle of Watermelon Crush.
I am proud to say eewwwwwwwwww upon tasting it. Yes, they got it right, but watermelon soda? Join my campaign for Kidney Stone Crush.





When a reporter for the United States Army Training and Doctrine Command interviewed Frank Zappa for the Command's news syndicate, the story was held by a superior who demanded that Zappa - who had been rather hard on the Army - answer one more question: just who does he think will defend the country without the Army?

Zappa's reply: "From what? The biggest threat to America today is its own federal government.... Will the Army protect anybody from the FBI? The CIA? The Republican party? The Democratic party? The biggest dangers we face today don't even need to sneak past our billion-dollar defense system... they issue the contracts for them."

The interview was not run.

We need Frank more than ever today....





Heroes of the Stupid

A federal judge ruled that Harvard University’s undergraduate admissions program is constitutional, rejecting a challenge accusing the school of discrimination against Asian American applicants.

In a decision released on Tuesday, US district judge Allison Burroughs in Boston said that while Harvard’s admissions program is not perfect, “the court will not dismantle a very fine admissions program that passes constitutional muster, solely because it could do better”.   Reached for comment, the KKK was outraged that their Harvard admissions will be capped at 20%.

Why is my cable bill so ridiculous? It couldn't be because of added fees, could it?



SJW Time

University and College Union apologises after failing to include Jews on list of groups of Holocaust victims (the Jewish Chronicle).

It described how the Nazis had persecuted groups such as “trade unions, including social democrats and Communists”, “Europe’s Roma and Sinti people”, “Black people”, “disabled people”, “freemasons”, “gay and lesbian people”, “Jehovah’s witnesses” and “'asocials’, which included beggars, alcoholics, drug addicts prostitutes and pacifists” were persecuted by the Nazi regime.

The international section in your supermarket is racist. The food is segregated.

sometimes you need to keep your soda cold

Not Worth the Plutonium it Would Take to Blow Them Up

Every now and then, we see something so compellingly honest, we go back to basics and remember what it's all about.  Let's take the Lindor commercial (please). Lindor truffles are what we call Chocolate Bombs. They come in bright wrappers, in dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate. If you're not having a lot of sex, like most of us, this is the next best thing.  Anyway, it starts with some sexy music and a pair of feet. They're kind of rubbing against each other, sensually. The camera eventually makes it to unwrapping, then a stunningly sexy woman puts the confection to her plump, red lips, and takes a small bite. This makes her eyes roll backwards into her sockets, like a one armed bandit. I love the hell out of this when it happens. After it's over, even I want a cigarette, and I don't smoke. THIS is a commercial.

• I still fail to grok Dog the Bounty Hunter. It's been on forever, which I also fail to understand. If any of you can explain the attraction to me, I urge you not to.

It's Recommend Software Time!

There's a pretty cool MP3/audio player called Dead Beef. It plays most formats and works on android and linux. It may be coaxed to work on OS X, but there will be no Windows version. Bummer (hysterical laughter - use Winamp). With a name like Dead Beef, you know it has to be some good software. It supports plugins and plays APE files, which is a format used by [this joke has been pre-empted by the University of Pennsylvania, which has filed suit because they don't want anyone else to enjoy the humor].

I have this bizarre problem (which one?): while random playing my music collection, I keep hearing the same songs. When I changed players, I kept hearing the same songs. Dead Beef at least uses a different randomizer. 

* don't forget: Beef Flaps is the name of the subreddit about women with large labia.

Winamp is a wonderful player that runs on most OSes, except linux (naturally).

VLC runs on anything and plays anything, audio and video. I highly recommend it for every OS except android, because it won't simply play one folder. It has to locate every media file on the entire phone. If this is good by you, go for it. It's my primary player on linux, although Dead Beef is moving up quickly.

It's Recommended Artist Time!

Carl Verheyen is a premier session guitarist, known for the spelling and pronunciation of his name. He's a phenomenal talent, with a tone and skills all his own. I think he's with Supertramp somehow, but he tours with his own band. The man can play almost anything.

Nazareth is a huge act from Scotland, known for the single Love Hurts. Another is Hair of the Dog (both 1975). Search YouTube. The vocals are a country of their own - delightfully scratchy. Due to concerns I am not permitted to divulge, he left the band recently, as well as the band being a merry go round of other members. I think the guitar roadie is the only original member. Don't tell anyone I told you.

Oh yeah, the absolute mostest funkiest riffiest keyboardist, Joe Cocker's very own Chris Stainton. Go ahead - argue with that riff.

Dear lefty

• Rear Admiral Brucie, from Down Under, asks where we get ideas for the blog
• Dear Poof: don't you have voices too?

Let me say something nice about Microsoft. 

just kidding.

No, really, here's some dirt on Win10's new Notepad features. None of us will use them, but it's good to know they're there.

• a mishap at a factory in Germany caused a ton of chocolate to escape and solidify. Honey, we're moving to Germany! Sprechen ze Chocolate?

Crime Tip:

When you're going to do something Extremely Naughty, use Private browsing mode, so there are no records you searched for beheadings before you did whatever you did.

That is all.

• In my 2009 post on WWII, I divulged that I wasn't blogging in 2009.

Senate Intel staffer James Wolfe, who was busted leaking info to reporter Ali Watkins in return for sex .... blah blah...

HANG ON... you can exchange info for sex? 

Why am I always the last to know?

• Mess Up Marketing: the theater wants to let me know Mary Poppins is back. Drop what you're doing... alert the press... masturbate furiously!
• I can barely contain my joy - Air Supply too!

Dear lefty

• Steve Blah, from Brighton Rock, wants to know how to play the guitar
• Carefully.

• Secretary of State Mike Pompeo confirmed that the government believes China is behind the Marriott Hack.
• Well.. we haven't 'exported freedom' to any country lately, so War On China! Just think of the corporate contracts! New planes, guns, fuel... this is like Viagra for Dick Cheney!

Speaking of China, no other country will take them seriously if they don't learn to spell. Sales are plummeting at Huawei. This is because it's pronounced Wah-way. They're worse than the French, who tend to drop a letter here and there.

G-Bus, watch and listen to this: stunning, in honor of the new Queen movie.

Generation Axe.

• Burton Cummings, of the Guess Who (These Eyes, No Time, Undun) tells a story about playing the flute on Undun. The guy at the music store said it was the same fingering as the sax. WHO CARES? IT'S A FLUTE.

In today's breach news, 40,000 stolen government logins are for sale on the Dark Web. They're from all countries, including... wait for it... the US. 

Hundreds of accounts on the websites of the US Senate, the Internal Revenue Service, the Department of Homeland Security and NASA were among those affected....

Remember: these are the people protecting US.
They're only protecting us from our tax dollars. 

• Work will soon have a gathering to talk about downgrading our computers to Windows 10.  I asked my boss how much it would be worth to him for me to stay home that day. Alas, no; he told me to tell him how it goes. Rest assured he will hear about my participation.... right after my probation period.

A comic turned down a gig at a British university because he was requested to sign a behavioral agreement first. This is what University Hijinks hath wrought.

The full list of topics listed by the organisers were "racism, sexism, classism, ageism, ableism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia or anti-religion or anti-atheism".

The contract said: "It does not mean that these topics cannot be discussed. But it must be done in a respectful and non-abusive way."

Think about that for a second... these are our institutes of higher learning. At this point, they're institutes of ideas that don't exist outside their protective walls.

The bigger surprise is that the college group apologized(!)

Unicef on Campus told Newsbeat: "Given that Unicef is a children's charity, we wanted to make sure it was an appropriate event for the cause. We would never wish to impose that guests would have to agree to anything they do not believe in.

No, they'd never impose censorship. Except with any guest that comes to the university, signing the behavioral agreement.

• What's Penny the Dog up to lately? When shredding books, she prefers hardcover. When shredding magazines, she prefers glossy (my Vintage Guitar magazines, to be precise). 
• If we take her outside every two hours, she only pees on the carpet a few times per week.
• The antibiotics are supposed to clear up both types of worms.
• The dog who lived with three other dogs snaps and growls at every other dog she sees while walking.
• She's terrified of linoleum. The Doggie Shrink says she was probably molested by it when she was a puppy.
• She's really affectionate and cuddly and only barks constantly several times a day. We're quite fond of her.