Varicose Veins as Fashion Statement

I began to notice something was wrong when I looked over at the tv and some Australian dude was fishing. He caught a large something or other and admired the hell out of it, saying it was the most beautiful animal (as he killed it). That aside, why was there fishing on my tv? What's next - golf?

Schleswig-Holstein, Germany's most northern state, is starting its switch from Microsoft Office to LibreOffice, and is planning to move from Windows to Linux on the 30,000 PCs it uses for local government functions.

You can too. For free. And you'll be free from Microsoft's spying and prices.

Sam Ash, the chain musical instrument store, is closing 18 of its 44 stores. This prompted a visit. At this point, the discount is only 5%, so waiting and watching is in order. The funny part was looking in the bag on the way out: she, the non-musician, got stuff to bang on, cord holders, and a bunch of other stuff. I got a rag and guitar polish.

Guitar polish is a long-standing sore subject for me. If you polish, it will take the dirt away. My guitars have vintage dust, which helps the sound. In order to approximate this, you can buy imitation vintage dust, but it's not even close. So if I clean my guitars, my vintage cred will go to hell. The last neck repair I had done meant telling the tech not to touch anything. He must have thought I was a complete nut, but at least I was a paying complete nut, so he kept his mouth shut. I tried the polish out on one guitar, which was so grimy, it could pick things up by touching them. The cloth wound up completely black (it started yellow). It was ok to clean this guitar as it had no vintage dust.

New Jersey got sued for giving cops access to newborns' DNA. They were previously sued, which explains why they're doing it again.

My dog is a tuna-seeking missile. She's a fish head. Even her food is seafood flavor.

The other day I gave her a burger. She looked at it, sniffed once, then asked, "Why is this not tuna?" Yes, a dog that wasn't interested in meat. Having just run out of her food, I gave her a burger, trying to figure out how to get her to eat it. I asked if she wanted it barbecued or cooked in the pan with the lines, but she remained mum. So I dumped some garlic on it. She again looked at it as if it were a late April Fools joke. The next time I went by, the bowl was empty. I guess it was the garlic.

We've recently had to admit to ourselves that she wasn't ever going to grok gravity. It bedevils her constantly. She jumps up on the couch with a toy to disembowel, which promptly falls off the couch. I get it for her the first time, but after that, she's on her own. Every time - right to ground. She's about 11, so there's little hope.

After having her for 5 years, she finally figured out how to open bi-fold doors. Every other dog and cat we adopted had it figured out in short order; not her. Unfortunately the only bi-fold door we have is attached to the bathroom. She has become an expert at interrupting. This should be fun the next time we have company.

I've seen videos of helper dogs going to the fridge, opening it, getting a drink, and bringing it to their people. It's fascinating. More fascinating to me is watching them close the fridge. My dog never puts anything away. She takes her small box of toys (90), removes the toys one-by-one, then leaves them all over the place. Naturally I get to pick them up. Worse is the shredding. No, I don't shred on guitar, but she shreds tissues and paper towels. Into small pieces. And I have to pick them up. In recognition for my efforts, the next day there's another batch of shredded paper for me. Let's face it - who likes to clean? Certainly not me. And certainly not the day after I just did it. Wife doesn't understand, but I think this might have something to do with me having to pick it up... her job is to order it picked up.

I think my dog is being influenced by animal videos. She thinks she's a cat sometimes. She herds me from in front, knowing exactly where I'm going to step and being there. Fortunately she doesn't knock stuff off tables or try to claw me for no particular reason.

Eavesdropping on fish could help us keep better tabs on underwater worlds

• That flounder said something about your mother
• The dolphins were laughing at how they trained people to feed them treats by jumping out of the water
• Crabs are working on a secret plan to walk forward
• Cuttlefish are tired of being food for dead parrots in British comedy sketches

Faceyspaces let Netflix see your DMs.

Do you think I rant for no reason? 

China has a big problem with super gonorrhea, study finds

Yes, it's Super Gonorrhea!

Faster than a 2am pickup...

More powerful than antibiotics....

Able to leap genitalia in a single bound!