Shoot me, beat me, run me over, but don't TAX me

Yes, it's April 15, a day that lives in infamy. For non-US readers, it's Tax day. This is the day your tax return has to be mailed by. The 11pm news will have video of people standing in line at the post offices to get their envelope stamped before midnight.

It's legalized highway robbery. The Internal Revenue Service is anything but a service, and strikes fear into anyone who hears its name. They can seize your bank account, take your house, and take parts of your salary, all without your input. Trump borrowed from the libertarian platform when he said it should be closed. If you have a problem with closing the IRS, pick up your W2 and see how much money was appropriated/stolen from you in just the federal box. We are being sucked dry. And politicians want to spend more, raising the debt every single time. The same politicians who pledged to reduce debt and stop spending. Btw, think about the total of everybody's federal taxes.... who sees that money?

We had a situation with the IRS. I called for an explanation and was not pleased. Wife called later and the rep said I was not pleased.

President Giveaway just gave the IRS $80 billion. How did he get into office again? 

The military industrial complex had a 30 day orgasm after Iran fired on Israel. Just think of the profits!

I have been on the phone for over a month with the IRS. When I say on the phone, I mean on hold for an hour, then transferred and on hold for another hour. These legal demons from hell LOST a tax return. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE THE TAX RETURN FOR THAT YEAR? I sent it via TurboTax, so it was filed electronically. So I had to fax a copy, which required a Sherlock Holmes hat, a shovel, and 48 hours straight of digging everywhere to find the document. I don't have a fax machine, so I went to a store that rhymes with Maples and paid to fax. It didn't go through twice, and on the third time, my 12 page fax cost me $27. I could buy my own fax machine for 2 or 3 faxes. This was the same Maples that charged me $110 to ship a laptop via ground service, and I had to tell them how to pack it so it would survive. Yes, I know... it's my own fault for not having a fax machine or running a shipping shop, with all the right boxes and bubble-pak.

Today was the nicest day of the year so far.

You know what that means, right?

MOWING.

I think I was bitten by a mower when I was little. I just HATE mowing.

Even my high performance 250 volt mower kept stalling. It also refused to chew up and spit out metal fragments on the ground. Last year I fragged 2 of the neighbors. Neighbors' houses, I mean. I would never hurt my neighbors (they have bigger mowers).

In fact, when they heard I got a 48v mower, they got 100v mowers. The batteries were bigger than truck batteries. This year I got the 250v auto-powered! I don't even have to push-it goes up hills and over small children by itself.

My greatest desire, after being a minor rock star, would be to have all my grass removed, never to grow again. I already checked and I'm not allowed to cement it in. More government bulldookey. However, I noticed the area my dog hangs out in only grew little spurts of grass. Halleleujah! I could collect half of her urine and distribute it over the rest of the lawn! But then I'd have to collect half of her urine. It's a sticky wicket, however you look at it.

Wife's doctor sent 2 prescriptions to the pharmacy. They got 1. How does this happen?

I hope they're not using their own medicines. Again. 

 

Sleeping more flushes junk out of the brain

Until next month, when it will be discovered that more sleep just makes you tired.

Elizabeth Warren, famous Indian Chief and African American, believes TurboTax should be reported to the FTC because of their infernal selling and upselling and hiding the free options. Having just used TurboTax, I am in the very uncomfortable position of agreeing with Rabbi Warren.

When I say in agreement, I mean that everything she says about it is true. I do not, however, want to run off and tell Big Brother to make them stop doing it. All we need is more government interference. If you don't like it, don't use it... let the market decide.

But it really bites the big one. Every time it asks you a question, you have to think carefully and look around the screen for other options. It has you fill out your state form, then wants to charge you $69 to electronically file it. Your choices are to file or delete. Time wasted. Then it wants to sign you up for other things Intuit owns. It tried to get you to sign up for more expensive plans. It's almost like constant commercials. A little while back, I had an article about many tax preparers sending info to Faceyspaces. I believe H&R Block did but TurboTax didn't. Pick your poison.

Children of a Lesser Blog

Your love is like  a 100 piece tuba band in your living room

Conversations with my Dog 

Me: Hey, why do you come down in the morning, see me in my office, then run back to bed?

Her: I'm just making sure you're up and working. I, for one, know where my treats come from.

Another large corporation that deserves a slow, painful torture session is Intuit, via its TurboTax.

I had to use Turbo Online in the past, because they don't make software for linux and I don't do Windows. It went smoothly, or so I thought. It took forever to get a piece of information to complete the return but we finally got it. Annnnnnnd Turbo couldn't find the return. It listed a return, but couldn't actually bring it up. I went to help, which wasn't. I called, which was yet another exercise in futility. The automated voice suggested I try online (where I just came from) to talk to a human.  Ok, I'll play, I thought. When I finally got to Talk to a Human prompt, Turbo told me I hadn't purchased the Live Human version, which I'd need to get to a human. I'd have to PAY because their software doesn't work. I don't need tax help - I need Turbo help.

If I drank heavily, I'd already be so blasted I could barely type. Mrs. lefty isn't far behind me.

If I did drugs, I'd be so blitzed I couldn't even dial to talk to them for a few days.

I could play the guitar, but annoying an entire block won't get my taxes done.

Why does this have to be so difficult? 

[little did I know, it would only go downhill from here...]

The tax return in question, which Turbo deleted, was listed, so I stupidly believed it existed. A nice phone help guy spent a lot of time helping convincing me the return was gone, blipped out, erased, not taking up space on their hard drives. The next day I got back in and managed to download a copy of the Great Invisible Return. However, no matter what I did, I couldn't get it to bring the return UP so I could finish it. I needed to print something, so my printer took that moment to tell me it had a media jam. I haven't printed 50 pages since I bought the damn thing, so it's not like the printer has worn out. I did everything the instructions told me to do and still there was no media jam (unless you count the one I wanted to jam up HP's buttocks for causing me this trouble). The directions said sometimes the media jam error stays on, but no worry - just take it to a local HP repair shop for a quick, expensive fix!

I gave up on directions and started poking around. Don't worry, I used nothing more dangerous than a flamethrower. I figured it would either burn the media jam or roast the jam sensor. I located a part with 2 screws. I unscrewed the left one and immediately dropped the screw into the printer. Shaking it, I heard nothing. So I went after the right screw, and perfectly recreated my screw-dropping, also with no sound when I shook it. Let no one say I'm not consistent.  So all I had to do was print about 50 pages of tax info to mail. With a disassembled printer (with scorch marks from the flamethrower).  We tried everything possible to send this return electronically, but Turbo kept laughing at me. Then Wife laughed at me. Then I yelled at wife. By 3am, we were all tired of failing and went to bed.

Just for fun, I hooked the printer up and tried again.

Yup, media jam had cleared.

So all I had to do to the printer was take it apart a few times, scream at it, scorch it with a flamethrower (or 2), drop 2 screws in it, threaten HP, and the thing printed like magic! So if you ever have trouble with your HP printer, follow the steps above and you'll be printing in no time!

• FCC prepares $75 monthly broadband subsidies for “high-cost” areas

Ah yes, Broadband Socialism, paid for with your tax dollars.

Every now and then I like to hear the horns announce that I did something special.

Like the other night, I went to bed before midnight all by myself, and Mrs. lefty didn't even have to read me a story.

So the big news is that just the other day, I put something away. By myself. With no prodding. 

We're not entirely sure if/when this happened before that day, but I'll take all the horns blasting I can get.

I just saw it there, thought for a second that it had been there a few weeks, then put it away.

I feel so accomplished, like I can do anything. 

Anything except put more things away.

The car freaked out on Wife the other day. It felt like it wasn't going to accelerate past 25 and it was taking forever to get there. It worked fine for me, but to be safe, off it went to the mechanic. We used to tithe to him, but buying newer cars knocked that down to 9%. The mechanic, a nice guy, said it was the knock sensor. Of course it was the knock sensor - how could I be so stupid?

WTF is a knock sensor?

Were the neighborhood kids knocking on the car's door and the car went into panic mode?

Is the gas we're using no good and the engine knocked?

Does it want me to knock on the door of the hottie on the next block?

This is why I stopped trying to fix cars.

Well, this and the fact that they were getting too sophisticated and I wasn't very good at it.

The fix was only $500. Only.

Oh yeah, further research shows sometimes you need a new engine. You know, small stuff. But it's ok - they come with a 10,000 mile warranty.

I don't do this often, but tonight I drink to you, readers of ThermionicEmissions.

There's been a terrible parachuting accident with my wife.

The chute worked. 

The incandescent light bulb still isn’t dead — but ‘normal’ ones are now truly banned

They will get my 200w Halogen bulbs when they rip them from my cold, dead fingers.

Remember: when you outlaw incandescent bulbs, only outlaws will have them.