Uggs - One Step Above Crocs

 Your love is like  chewing popsicle sticks

Street Work - Day 149 

5 minutes before the alarm went off, the noise started. It was earlier than normal. I'm not sure if I'd rather hear the road equipment or the guys tearing each other a new one. As I set up for work, the air horn started. By this point, these 'coincidences' stopped annoying me - I just shook my head. I think one of the behemoths was in reverse for a while- it kept blasting out BEEP BEEP - BEEP BEEP, which translated, means GET UP, YOU DOLT. This repeated for about 10 minutes. I prefer the less abusive warnings of my alarm, which doesn't really speak to me at all, unless you don't count my sad wail at having to get up now. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! If I could hook their machines up to the coffee machine, I'd have it made. It's only a matter of time til the Great Hammering Device starts. If I have a lot of meetings, somebody's roof will need repairing too.

Wife's internal children rushed to the window, because this is like Christmas for them. They're fascinated by Truck Ballet. They're telling me what the guys are doing and how they are doing it. This is a very different experience than mine...

HER: Well, first they have to rip up the street. They use a truck with a curved arm that dumps into a dumptruck. It's 3 long and 2 short when the truck is full. Did you know they have to call a towtruck if someone didn't move their car?

ME: God, I wish that would get quiet. 

HER: they were talking... one makes $50 an hour and the other guy $120

ME: God, I wish that would get quiet. 

Today I identify as  tapioca pudding

There have been many really talented and funny people who just can't get good roles, like Chevy Chase, Jack Black, and Wayne Brady.

A former eBay security official who pleaded guilty for his role in a cyberstalking conspiracy has asked for leniency in sentencing while blaming his actions in part on a "drinking culture" at eBay that contributed to his alcoholism.

They forced it down my throat! They were responsible for me mailing a bloody pig mask....

Meanwhile, job applications went up 150% at eBay.

• Olympics opening ceremony director sacked for Holocaust joke
• in 1990

Covid: China rejects WHO plan for second phase of virus origin probe

Says that checking if the virus is man-made and escaped from their lab is racist 

• The jungle-trekking Covid vaccinators helping to protect remote Indian villages.
• it may just be me, but if you have to build bridges and cross hazardous trails to vaccinate remote villages, perhaps you can leave them alone, because they're obviously not coming in contact with the Flying AIDS. They're more in danger from the people saving them.

this year alone Huawei has spent $1.24m schmoozing US officials – more than double the $470,000 spent over the whole of 2020. If the current level of activity continues, this year's spending is almost on course to match the $2.99m Huawei spent in 2019.

Never mind the tech that phones home to China - just throw more money at Congress....

UPDATES

• game changer is only getting worse
• ...EVer has let go a bit
• caramel has yet to lose its salt
• that's what I'm talkin bout has jumped the shark, but nobody told it
• future ban: crazy (that's crazy stupid)

Flying AIDS news 

Coronavirus: Was US money used to fund risky research in China?

Communication around masks is still terrible

Covid vaccine: Eight-week gap seen as sweet spot for Pfizer jab antibodies

We. Have. No. Idea.

• A Faceyspaces group dedicated to gardening in western New York state is celebrating a victory over the company's algorithms after having been repeatedly threatened with censure and deletion due to use of the word "hoe".
• Democratic bill would suspend Section 230 protections when social networks boost anti-vax conspiracies

One of these is egregiously illegal and immoral. Guess which.

About the car..... 

Our car remains at the collision place, where they're working on it.

We are still driving the rental.

This satisfactory situation could not be allowed to continue.

Rental place calls and says we should give them $1500 so we'd be paid up.

Errr.... no. In no way should that add up to $1500.

Rental Guy tells me that's true, but the insurance stopped paying for the rental two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago?

Wasn't anybody going to clue me in on this?

Was it some sort of secret and I didn't have a Need to Know?

I called Insurance. She explained to me that we have $1,000 for rental and we were past it. 

That part didn't seem to be Need to Know.

So I mentioned that we'd just be starting on the $1,000 if it didn't take them three weeks to get the car to the collision center.

We have never had a problem with our insurance. 

In this matter, they didn't so much drop the ball as slice a chunk out of it and put it up somebody's nose.

more misadventures as they occur.....

just remember... this could be you. We do it so you don't have to.

The Flying AIDS Hits Gilligan's Island

Dawn Wells (Maryanne) died of the Flying AIDS. Only Tina Louise remains.

Your love is like a splenectomy

The Flying AIDS is affecting us in other ways. The local Hallmark store has precious little inventory. They had to order less because of less traffic and they didn't want to get stuck with inventory they had to discount. 

The supermarket is pretty empty too, because they are having trouble getting food trucked in, because of a driver shortage.

Collateral damage of the Flying AIDS, and this is only 2 local businesses. The bright spot is that there are jobs. As I said the other day, healthcare is buzzing, especially home healthcare. Truck drivers. Fast food, convenience stores... I drive by many HELP WANTED signs. Go for truck driver first - we're all out of ice cream.

A 3rd vaccine has been released. No, it's not as effective as the first 2, but it's called 'vaccine', and people will put any old shit into their arms. Except in an Ohio nursing home, where 60% of staff has refused it.

A 2nd patient has died after the vaccine, but doctors 'do not believe the deaths were connected to the vaccines.' Besides - they were in their 70s and 80s and were going to die anyway. It was just incredibly coincidental they died, that's all. Nothing to see here, people, go home. 

Congressman-elect Luke Letkow, from Louisiana, died of 'heart complications'  from the Flying AIDS. For the non-medical people out there, his heart 'stopped beating.'

Los Angeles is launching a digital iPhone receipt for Flying AIDS vaccinations, which could well become a passport. Nothing was mentioned about androids, but this is understandable in LA, where one must have an iDevice to get into the city. "It's so much snottier than that other one" - Gwyneth Paltrow "We wouldn't be seen without ours" - anybody named Kardashian. "I can't even turn it on" - Alec Baldwin 

2/3 Americans don't care if digital devices are recording them. More than 2/3 Americans are idiots, but in this case, it's just 2/3. Children are growing up without the expectation of privacy and it's a bit unnerving. Teach your children well.

• Most played song of 2020? For many it's white noise.
• It's relaxing and tons better than anything else on the charts.

Alaska Airlines will be the first to ban emotional support animals. If this goes through, I will personally sue them. My support elephant, Iqbal, has gotten me through many rough times, especially on airplanes. In further species-ism, service dogs will still be allowed. Wait til I show them Iqbal's service paperwork. And his pilot's certificate.

In Manhattan, a man with a cane tried to rob a bank. He got away in his wheelchair. Police are looking for him.

Sorry, Captain, he got away.

What was he driving?

A whe.....[mumblle]

Sorry?

A wheelchair, Sir.

A wheelchair?

Yes Sir, a wheelchair.

Let me see if I understand this: a man with a cane tried to rob a bank and got away on a wheelchair. Is that correct?

Yes Sir.

Did he have a gun?

Just a cane, Sir

Knife?

Just a cane, Sir.

Was the cane sharpened to a dangerous point?

No Sir, just your regular cane with a rubber bottom.

Let me guess: everybody, including the security guards, was paralyzed with fear.

This is New York, Sir. Everybody ignored it and the guards held the door open for him because they were afraid of not being wheelchair accessible.

Was it a souped up wheelchair?

The video shows it was kind of broken down, Sir.

Did he have a getaway van right outside?

There was no vehicle - he just slowly wheeled himself off, Sir.

So you're telling me that a police force the size of an entire city cannot locate an old guy in a wheelchair. If we don't put a stop to this, mothers wheeling babies will start robbing banks. Paralyzed patients on gurneys. Kindergarten field trips. Old ladies after church. Trained cats. Do you see where I'm coming from? What am I going to tell the mayor?

We'll get him, Sir, I'm confident.

And from where comes this sudden confidence?

The old guy wasn't wearing a mask or social distancing. It's only a matter of time til some old lady beats the living daylights out of him.

I have confidence that the mayor will rest easier, knowing this information.

Today I identify as Wonder Woman. If you can't see my breasts, you're misgendering me.

I got my daily email from the USPS, telling me my package will be late, but it's definitely still 'in the mail' and on the way to the next facility. That's all they got.

• by April 2020, the adoption rates for dogs in the US increased by more than 30%.

Speaking of home healthcare, after my mother's aide tested positive for the Flying AIDS, it took her company a solid week to send a replacement. Obviously they had their best people on it. And speaking of best people, on her 2nd day, this aide was caught napping.

A year after Microsoft ended all support for Win 7, millions of users are still not upgrading

(Downgrading)

This is a tricky problem. These people will be the first with the torches and pitchforks when something bad happens. It's not like they weren't warned: Microsoft clearly communicated an End of Life date (look at me, defending Microsoft). On the other hand, who would want to upgrade to the monster that is Win 10? The advertising platform where you rent software. The spyware Swiss cheese operating system.

I'm honest... we all know I use linux, but I have to keep a spare virtual machine around, for times when companies won't let me use my chosen operating system. It's Win 7. I'm just not going to expose myself to Win 10. I very rarely have to use Windows, it's kept patched and safe as I can. Turbo Tax has no linux version and never will. Although it will run on Win 10, I won't. Keep in mind, Microsoft will not release any updates, unless there's a large emergency. There are also a bunch of people using Win XP(!). Hopefully they're not connecting it to the internet.

New Years Eve celebrations were a bit of a dud, thanks to Regulations. 

Wanna see the ball drop? Not in-person. Plus the ball had to wear a mask. The hidden benefit was not having to be in New York.

Wanna have a party? Cities were sending huge police forces out to deal with parties (because there wasn't going to be any crime that night).

Wanna go to a bar? Hahahahahaha. Idiot Governor and/or Idiot Mayor said no indoor dining, plus masks and social distancing if you were 'dining' outside.

Wanna sit with your spouse, some champagne, and watch it on tv? Ok, but not the kids or pets. Your tv will tell on you.

The NYPD was deployed, with bomb-sniffing dogs and people-sniffing ferrets, to make sure no one could see the ball drop in person. The mayor said, "Look - I've killed your fun for the whole year - why stop now? And the first person with a 32oz soda gets the death penalty."

There is a lot of opposition to President Trump's $2,000 check plan. This time it's from England, which keeps referring to them as cheques.

The Nashville bombing suspect hunted lizard people in a local park, believing that these Draconians were shape-shifters and bent on taking over the world. He claimed Justin Bieber and the Obamas were lizards.

Think about it - this guy makes more sense than most of the candidates in the last election. He just needed to add the royal family. And everybody knows you don't hunt for them in the local park... you go online or turn on the tv. Trump is not part of the lizard faction - he's a little weird and the aliens wouldn't let him join, but this answers the question about Hillary's large pants suits (to hide her tail).

Every year I list some of the people who died. This is probably a sign of some mental illness, but here goes:

• Terry Jones - Monty Python
• Neil Peart - Rush
• Kirk Douglas
• Bill Withers - "Use Me"
• Little Richard
• Carl Reiner
• Charlie Daniels
• Peter Green - Fleetwood Mac co-founder
• Sir Sean Connery
• Conchata Ferrell - 2.5 Men
• Eddie Van Halen
• Alex Trebek
• Dawn Wells - Gilligan's Island
• Lyle Mays - Pat Metheny and solo
• Kenny Rogers
• Leslie West - "Mississippi Queen"
• Spencer Davis - "Gimme Some Lovin"

The Department of Homeland Security has ordered federal agencies to update SolarWinds Orion platform. Because which agencies are too stupid to do it themselves? Because federal agencies want to keep this piece of garbage around? 

• I make this pledge to you: if I open YouTube and recognize anything on the front page, I'll start putting out rap records.

The Vatican announced that Pope Francis will not be attending the New Year's Eve or New Year's Day traditional events, due to "painful sciatica." In ancient Latin, painful sciatica translates to "I'm not going out there and getting the Flying AIDS. Just send me a little boy and I'll stay in."

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson's father is applying for French citizenship. This must be terribly embarrassing for the PM, unless his father is applying for both of them. I wonder what the procedure is to get French citizenship....

Repeat after me:

You English pig-dogs

Americans are savages - we shall not speak of them

I don't have time for your silly questions

Of course our food is better

When they say Gay Paree, they are not kidding

No, I don't speak English

Of course I wash

I confer upon you, French citizenship. Now take this ribbon and go be rude to somebody.

Rabies and the Perfect Ring

 Your love is like  that new untreatable strain of gonorrhea

Yes, welcome to the (sloppily arranged, last minute) annual ThermionicEmissions Christmas issue (that started this year).

Apoplectic because nobody's listening to him, Dr Anthony Fauci had a screaming meltdown on national tv (have you ever seen a sign language translator translate a meltdown?), re-stating that no one should travel this holiday. Last year, 90 million people traveled. This year it's down to 88 million, but Fauci feels unheard and unheeded. As a result, all cars can have no more than one person in them, preferably the driver. Cars and trucks will be inspected coming into and leaving the states. If found to have more than 1 occupant, they will be removed from the vehicle, forced to pay a Fauci Tax, and held in Non-Compliant Flying AIDS Transportation camps, until their party returns. Responding to the accusation that these camps are nothing but forced labor, Fauci said "It's not hard labor - they're just helping build my summer homes. The children only do cleaning, no construction work."

In other holiday news, a public transportation bus in Philadelphia saved some cars by intercepting 5 bullets. Nobody was hurt. 

This is the time of year Philly Police dress as Santa and give children presents. Many thought the tradition was stopped last year after Santa and his protection detail was mowed down by automatic weapons fire while riding a bus. Philadelphia will be the first city, after Detroit, to dress their police Santas in Kevlar vests. Police Commissioner Outlaw (that's her name) commented "Ha, yeah, you can't keep those children from getting excited when Santa and automatic weapons are in season."

Delivery marches on, or rather, delivery stops dead and has no idea where it is.

The package that went out 2 weeks ago, from 1 state north, will arrive, I am assured by the US Postal Service. It will be late.  No, you're kidding me. 2weeks+ to go 1 state. That's literally a trip across the country and back (not that we have any idea where it is now).  We don't know where it is, but it will be late - the USPS.

The one halfway across the country, at 2 weeks out, is supposed to arrive yesterday. Supposed to. The USPS is late for being late.

I'm sorry - I'm a little bitchy today because something ate my xmas gifts and it's my time of the day. 

They tell me I have to learn patience. They've been telling me this for many many years, yet they still tell me this. Maybe they need to learn to stop telling me to learn patience.

Let's trace a package:

Dec 8 - label printed

Dec 9 - USPS got its grubby little hands on it

Dec 10-22  - it's in the system

New York to PA

Dec 8 - USPS is touching the box

Dec 9 - at USPS facility in Batman, NY.

Dec 10 - leaving Batman, NY

Dec 11 - at Plant City, FL facility

Dec 12 - somewhere. It will be late, but it's definitely somewhere.

Dec 13-20 - Maui, Hawaii facility. Wouldn't you stay for a while too? Maui Wowie, man!

Dec 21 - Portland, Oregon, telling BLM that antifa dissed their mother

Dec 22 - Intercourse, PA facility. Finally in the right state.

Dec 23 - Wright Patterson Air Force Base, OH. Partying with aliens.

Dec 24 - Blue Ball, PA facility.

Dec 25 - It's Christmas, man. Do you expect us to work on Christmas? Or other days ending in -day?

Dec 26 - Batman, NY. Returned to sender because postman got TO and FROM mixed up.

Dec 27 - Picked up. Again. Note to recipient: it will be late, but at least we know where it is this time.

Dec 28 - South Dakota facility, because if you ever complain about your weather again...

Dec 29 - St Raul, Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes; each one of which package has been dropped in.

Dec 30 - deliver to 1234 Main St, PA. Postman can't find 1234 because he's on the wrong side of the street, return to sender.

Sign in Post Office:

December delivery schedule

Guaranteed Next Day Delivery: 2-4 days

Guaranteed 2 day delivery: 4-8 days

First Class: 2-30 days

Regular: good luck

Tracking: $25, will not be tracked

Guaranteed Lost: $50, may not be lost

Hey... I smell the beginnings of a brand new conspiracy theory.

The USPS is wrong nearly 100% of the time. Who else is wrong nearly 100% of the time? Weather forecasters. Coincidence? I think not.

Today I identify as  Jewish. HEY - WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY THING....??

Idiot Mayor hath decreed the restrictions will continue until late January.

Thou shalt not dine indoors, whether in a restaurant or your home, excepting that the number of diners in your home does not exceedeth 3. If thou shalt eat outdoors, the number of diners shall not exceed 4 from the same household. Thou shalt not dine outdoors without a permit or within 20' of a waiter.

Thou shalt not celebrate holidays, including in-person or on Skype, lesteth the Guardians of the State breaketh down thy door, and haul thee to the Flying AIDS Detention Center. Unless thou art an illegal alien, in which case thou shalt doeth whatever thou wanteth.

Thou shalt not purchase hoagies, steak sandwiches, dirty soft pretzels, or any other handmade food, lest the Department of SWAT visit and confiscate whatever looketh good, seeing they have not had lunch today.

HEY, HOW'S YER MOM?

For those of you playing along at home, my mother's aide tested positive for the Flying AIDS. The primary doc said only test the old, frail lady if she shows symptoms. But... a pharmacy is offering testing! Make an appointment and go! Yay! I am already more effective than her primary doctor! Many first graders are already more effective than her primary doctor.

Show up at pharmacy, making sure to have Mom along, Shotmaster asks regular or rapid test.

STOP. HALT. CEASE. Deploy Confused Face.

If you want rapid test, you have to cancel today and reschedule for later or tomorrow.

That's nice. Gee, it sure woulda been swell if I knew this.

Go online to reschedule: not a single appointment available for the next few days at any location.

Merry Xmas.

Hey - let's check the city website. They have sites! They require registration! They don't tell you how to register! Then you need an account, but they don't do antibody testing. WTF is antibody testing? Is it rapid or slow? Does she need to lay off the whiskey for 24 hours before the test? The next page has all sorts of local services, such as condoms and pregnant woman mosquito advice. I'm thinking if you used condoms, you wouldn't be needing the mosquito advice (unless mosquitos can bite through condoms - this is just more shit we're expected to know). 

So it's 9am and there is a 2 mile line of old ladies and hypochondriacs (and old lady hypochondriacs). They're signing up, talking about their kids, and complaining that it's taking so long and why aren't they serving sandwiches. It's a self-service test, so now the line is 4 miles (8 miles with social distancing). Most of the old ladies are wearing masks that don't cover their noses, so if you don't have the Flying AIDS when you get there, you'll have it by the time you get home. 

This just goes to show that masks and testing are irrelevant.

 Let's Visit the North Pole

Santa Claus and his old lady - Cheech and Chong

So it's 2020, the Flying AIDS has hit the North Pole, and the elves are getting a little itchy. A particularly ugly elf from Portland Antifa came to visit. After a week, the rest of the elves were talking about unionizing, then tried to burn down the workshop, before issuing their demands

• Santa declared the oppressor, his assets go to the elves
• if they see 1 more candy cane, the building goes up
• the Fat Guy has to pay overtime even when they don't work
• Mrs Claus can no longer visit the production floor: that woman is like Yoko
• more elves of color
• special dorms for LGBTQ* elves
• gambling counselors for the reindeer
• Mrs Claus must confine her pole dancing to the bedroom
• Black Lives Matter wrapping paper on all gifts
• no more Mariah Carey specials from the Pole
• a non-gendered Santa

Meanwhile, Santa got some new electronic devices to watch you so he knows if you've been good or bad. It's hush-hush stuff from the NSA and uses a lot of AI. More cannot be said due to Non-Disclosure Agreements. The sleigh got some new guts, courtesy of the aliens, and runs on batteries from Elon Musk. Santa said all in all, the aliens were ok, but Elon Musk scared him. 

Rudolph was replaced with an off-the-shelf GPS and has spent the last year in therapy, after the 'guiding the commercial airliners to Somalia' incident. Although the drug companies can produce a Flying AIDS vaccine in 10 months, they can't get reindeer antidepressant right after 10 years.

The North Pole City Council smoked a lot of dope and hasn't been dealing with the occupation situation well. There might be a slight delay in Christmas this year, kids. Look on the bright side - they're not using the US Postal Service to deliver the presents.

• Overheard at (illegal) family gathering: Why do I have a planter attached to me?

Let's smile a bit. Please.

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore - a bit of a chat, the Frog and Peach

Groucho Marx - I'm against it

Monty Python - Biggus Dickus, French taunting

some Airplane

In closing, I give you the words of Bob Dylan: Once upon a time you dressed so fine threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't yewwww? 

No, I never understood Bob Dylan either - I'm just a dumb guitar player.