Do Not Use Spatula for Rocket Construction, Elon

Your love is like  scrambled eggs and horseradish mustard

Are you a developer of an app you want on the Google Play store? Don't list that your app includes support for the .ASS subtitle format or you'll get rejected faster than you can say, "I disagree with social media's version of the election."

• Vladimir Putin (R-DC) said his first call with President Biden was "business-like and frank." In fact, he kept insisting on calling Biden 'Frank,' and asking for Melania, which slowed things down a bit.

The UK is sending the Columbus Ka-band Terminal to the ISS, to provide faster communications.

10 minutes after it's installed, the Russians will hack it and send racist messages to all the other satellites in orbit.

• I could have been a doctor - I have the handwriting for it. I just can't stand the sight of blood.
• Maybe an aircraft crash investigator - I've seen 20 seasons of Aircraft Crash Investigation. I just can't stand pieces of bodies.
• Perhaps an accountant. I just can't stand the sight of numbers.

Today I identify as  a butt pimple. On Sandra Bullock.  [reach for the stars]

Chaos is good for you, says first 'state of chaos engineering' report

It sure has worked well here for years and years. In fact, I can't remember a time before chaos.

Chaos engineering is the practice of deliberately injecting faults into a service to test its resilience. AWS is introducing its own version of this, called Fault Injection Service...

Everybody in the house is a trained Fault Injection Service.

In fact, this probably explains the soup packet in the bathroom.

Today the president suggested quadruple-masking for greater protection against the Flying AIDS. He restated his vow to make the USPS fleet electric. When asked for comment, the USPS said, "He mailed us notice but we haven't received it yet."

• 66,000 users' data was left wide open by VIPGames
• nobody wants the data because they're all in their parents' basements, glued to their Gamer Handsets.

Samsung’s vice chairman and de facto boss Lee Jae-Yong has reportedly sent staff motivational messages from inside prison.…

• Work hard and you can get here too
• We have a culture of improvement: do what I did but don't get caught 
• I've set high bars for your success
• you will address your supervisors as Warden

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Assault Lily BOUQUET, Backstabbing for Beginners 

Marc Ginsberg, who oversees Coalition for a Safer Web (CIA), is suing Google for not kicking Telegram off the store. After all, it's a haven for extremists.

Do you see where this is going? If they can't get back doors to your encrypted apps, make the apps hard to find. Oh yeah, who defines extremist? 

• Honey, can you come here?
• As soon as I get done checking the tissue for what came out of my nose

Today the Russians put a ton of pr0n on my hard drive. Honey.

The My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, has been suspended from Twitter for not marching with the party and saying the election was stolen. Lindell wants to run for public office. Thank God we'll still have the My Pillow commercials, with his mind-screwing Minnesota accent.  --- I'm not sure I'd be so comfy if I opened my bathroom cabinet to see Mike standing there. By the time the police left, he'd be banned from YouTube and Faceyspaces too, in addition to an operation to remove my toilet from his face.

Hi, I'm that My Pillow guy!

WTF are you doing in my bathroom?

I wanted to tell you about My Pillow.

Tell you what - you keep Your Pillow and I'll keep my pillow.

It's made in America.

Which means nothing if you can't sleep on it.

There's a 2 for 1 sale

Making them just ridiculously overpriced

It's got Head Memory!

I wish my wife did.

Has anybody told you about Jesus?

No 3-ways, sorry.

Can I sell you some sheets - they're 127% cotton.

Mine have to be 128%.

How about a tour of my plant?

How about you GTF out of my bathroom. Do you like looking at naked men? I'm no bible scholar, but I know Jesus didn't like that.

What can I sell you?

Come by for dinner a few nights, until I learn that ridiculous accent. Our treat.

Are you feelin good? I knew you would.

I'll feel a lot better when I know there's no one hiding in my medicine cabinet. Do you have any idea how many years of my wife's therapy you've undone? The dog needs tranquilizers. Although I might have you back the next time we have company... the shrieking will be worth it.

It has come to my attention that I have a problem. No, the other one.

I've noticed I can run a large network or go out into space, but filling out forms is beyond me... they always come back wrong. There is an old Far Side cartoon...

Technically it doesn't have anything to do with IQ. It's ADHD or ADD or VD or something. Women have Blonde Moments. Old people have Senior Moments. I have Adderall Moments<tm>.

My paranoid schizophrenic neighbor is moving. We'll definitely miss him.

I'll have no one to stand outside with me and yell when the black helicopters hover over our houses.

No one to bitch that the motorcycles are running down the street on purpose.

No one to tell me the police captain is a nazi and has it in for him.

No one to ask if that dent was there yesterday.

(It wasn't. You're not paranoid if they are out to get you.)

No one for Mrs lefty to share the voices with.

He's a really good guy who served his country. I hope they're taking care of him.

Sure is gonna be boring around here.

We're discussing what disorder the new neighbor should have...

• Depression is downright boring.
• Bipolar is downright boring and downright exhausting.
• If they're multiple, they'll have someone to play with...

I'm here for you, warts and all....

I saw some flakes on my shirt, just like that stupid commercial.

Asked Wife, who told me it wasn't head dandruff, it was Beard Dandruff.

Beard Dandruff?

Beard Dandruff.

There is such a thing?

Yes there is.

Don't tell me there's a special shampoo.

No, you have to moisturize it.

I have to moisturize my beard?

Yup. And it gets better: you have to moisturize several times a day.

This is all too much. I'm lucky if I eat several times a day. I've spent my entire life being a wash and wear guy.  Do I look like I have breasts? Do I look like the kind of guy who has the time and the patience to moisturize my beard skin? Maybe I can pluck my eyebrows and check out different kinds of makeup too. The thing is, I don't have a beard. I shave and it grows quickly. Is this a disease I picked up? I never had this before.  And unless I do something about it, it will look like it's snowing on my shirt. Decisions decisions...

I'm starting to appreciate that Wife spends so much time in the bathroom, moisturizing and stuff.

The (alleged) problem with not watching mass media is that I miss stuff. Twitter has been having a blast, suggesting wearing 4 to 12 masks. Only this morning, on the news, do I see an interview with a local surgeon, saying that people should wear 2 masks. I have to remember that social media is half arguing and half parody. I suggest 10 masks. You'll be 100% protected against the Flying AIDS, largely because you can't breathe.

Have we gone way past silly by this point?

I've got it - I'll just check ThermionicEmissions

That Hair Color Does Not Exist in Nature

Archaeologists discovered that 200,000 years ago, people slept on comfy grass mats. And only got 1mb download speeds, because Comcast was the only provider.


Your love is like  drinking past its date milk


Death Valley made the record for highest temperature on Earth, at 130 degrees (54 grams Canadian). With temps like that, they should give the place some sort of ominous name.


Does this sound familiar?
You barely had the energy to stand up the entire weekend.
Now it's Sunday at 11pm and you're FULL OF ENERGY!




Let's Meander Outside

For the 2nd time in a few weeks, they let me loose again.
All local businesses were on alert.
I didn't think it was fair of Wife to drag me out of bed on my second nap of the day - after all, it was only 2pm.

I'd probably have a better time if the sight of people with masks on didn't piss me off so much. I have to admit that the people with the welder's helmet 'masks' are pretty funny. I learned earlier not to ask them about their torches and hoses.

To spare the restaurants, the wife and the mom picked up some sandwiches. You've got to hand it to the Jews - they did to corned beef what the Irish did to... corned beef. Nothing like a corned beef sandwich. Or a corned beef special, with cole slaw and Russian dressing. Technically, Jews aren't supposed to mix meat with dairy products, so I guess this makes it even more exciting: the Forbidden Sandwich. Don't ask me - it just tastes good.

Wife bought this matzoh ball soup. Judging by the size of those balls, a matzoh must stand about 7' tall. I kid - matzoh is one of the few allegedly edible substances that is indistinguishable in taste from its cardboard container, like Pizza Hut pizza. Actually, the cardboard is a little tastier, plus it has fiber.

She also bought chopped liver. I don't get this substance... after all, who wants anything to do with anything called liver? I ate it every now and then when I was little, when 'chopped liver' was simply a phrase. As I got older, I found out that 'liver' actually meant something and stopped eating it.  Speaking of spending time in the bathroom, I have memories of a meat-like substance I ate when I was very little, called tongue. I remember liking it. Then, one day, I realized tongue was not a descriptor word that meant nothing - I realized I had one. I spent quite a while in the bathroom, then a few years post-traumatic. It was not good time in school health class, when they described the tongue. I'd turn white and run out of the room. It was hysterical for my classmates, whose conversation always turned to tongue whenever I approached. 25 years later, a girlfriend made me a surprise for dinner. Surprise - I didn't like it. She told me it was kidney. That was doubly nauseating because I had 2 kidneys, which were busy taking turns trying to pass stones.

In the Emergency Room, the nice nurse handed me a container and asked if I knew what it was for. I nodded and said, "Wee wee!" It was the worst pain I had in my entire life, but at least the staff was amused. I went to the bathroom and came back with my sample. I'm pretty sure I know what color they were looking for, but it looked like blood. I told the nurse I couldn't remember whether she wanted blood or urine, so I brought them both. I figured this was serious, when the black nurse went pale and rushed off with the sample. Not a drop of pain medicine in the hours I was there. I told them that if I died, my last words would be, "Please don't take me to that hospital."

One of the great things about not having a religion is the only dietary restrictions are the ones I make up. This works out well for the holidays too. National Left Handers Day was last week, so I had the entire week off, being a very important holiday. We also take Christmas off, because everyone else is off work, and that one where the Catholics chase each other around, beating themselves with palms. Sometimes we celebrate that more than once a year.

Mom has some nice potted palms in her apartment, although she isn't Catholic.
And those corned beef sandwiches were delicious, but I never touched the balls, no matter what anybody tells you.

• It's not like the movie was old, but George Kennedy had hair.

Philadelphia has had some horrible shootings lately. Really sickening shootings, where children died. Leaping, seemingly drunk, into action, the Philadelphia City Council ran a gun turn-in. Thus, a bunch of honest gun owners dropped off guns (43 at 1 of 2 locations). And the criminals will continue to shoot people. And the City Council will continue to advance idiotic, impotent schemes. Business as usual in Philadelphia.

In election news, Vladimir Putin has declared himself the winner of the election for Leader for Life. Kim Junk Illin gave him a run for his money, but everybody's favorite was Barack Obama. Obama fans, unable to get him elected as One World Leader, figured they'd do it one country at a time.

Black Lives Matter, but so do your profits  

The Movement has been doing its best to extort local businesses in Louisville, KY.  Amongst other things, businesses must 'donate' a percentage of profits to black causes, and put up a sign supporting reparations. If this doesn't end police violence, nothing will!

You've Got Your Pandemic on my Rhinocerous

Catholic priests are so upset about COVID-19....

HOW UPSET ARE THEY?

They're so upset, they're demanding clean COVID-19 tests from little boys before molesting them.

[you know you'll be telling that one at work tomorrow]



Cell Phone Stupidity

Verizon is offering a phone plan that contains a Yahoo Mail account.
Next they will offer a plan that includes an AOL account and a bag phone.

Comcast mistakenly published names, phone numbers, and addresses of nearly 200,000 customers who paid monthly fees to make their numbers unlisted.
Customers paid $3.50 to $5.50 monthly for this service. Comcast will not be satisfied until they have sucked every cent possible out of you. Then they'll find a way to get more.  This is a perfect example of a duopoly: Philly allowed only 2 cable companies to operate: Verizon and Comcast. More competition would drive prices to more reasonable levels.

• Are female urinals the answer to queues at the loos?
• What a tremendous idea... women's bladders are smaller than men's, so the lines are always longer.
• FEMALE URINALS? WTF?

Alex Jones ordered to stop selling fake coronavirus cures, by New York attorney general. Apparently generating coronavirus PANIC is ok, though. New York desperately wants to be the new California, and is working very diligently toward it. Like him or not, leave Alex alone. It truly is the responsibility of the buyer, not government. The AG referred to Jones' 'latest mistruths'.  I wonder if it's ok to sue an Attorney General for this. It's defamation, but apparently there are no statutes against that.  If nothing else, Alex is quite (inadvertently) funny. No one else would bullhorn the Bilderberg meetings.


Data of millions of eBay and Amazon shoppers exposed

To their credit, eBay and Amazon are not involved; instead it was a third party. So you're still exposed. What can you do?

• The White House told federal health agency to classify coronavirus deliberations
• Just cut it the f- out. There's always need for secrecy, but we're beyond out of hand now. We pay YOU, yet you decide what we can and can't see? Government for and by the people, not leading the country, doing what you feel like.
• If we had a real pandemic, these 'public servants' would classify that too. The people have no 'need to know.'

AT&T CEO pay rose to $32 million in 2019 while he cut 20,000 jobs

To be clear, I have no trouble with corporate salaries. I am not a socialist and don't believe these people are obligated to share their wealth. What bothers me is that he did it on the backs of those 20,000 ex-employees (most likely among other things). This is a personal opinion, and out of step with the libertarian position that it's a private company and can do what it wants. I'm am not a hypocrite: I just hold 2 differing opinions at the same time.  There was also a hedge fund involved here somewhere; it was over who was going to maintain the hedges outside the corporate offices.

• One of the reasons I like Firefox is the addons. My latest is Mouse Gesture Events. You'd be surprised (maybe you wouldn't) what you can do with just a mouse gesture.  Forward, backward, shut current page and go backward, all sorts of stuff. It's in the normal addons spot.
• Another is ColorfulTabs. The default Firefox has tabs that are all the same color. This auto-colors them so the one on top is easy to find. You can also make it use colors you prefer.
• If you're running Firefox under linux and want to use the Backspace key to go back a page, open about:config, search for browser.backspace_action, change the 2 to zero. Done. Test to make sure.

One newspaper asked if the 2020 elections could be postponed because of the virus.  No, the country would never get that lucky.

An article in the Guardian says that the virus is creating hell on OCD patients who are compulsive hand-washers. Part of the treatment is not washing their hands.  Up until recently, those antibacterial dispensers weren't for viruses: they were OCD tests.

• Everyone's favorite dictator and Wild and Crazy Guy, Vladimir Putin, signed a boatload of amendments to the Constitution (not specified whose), allowing him to run for Dictator once more. The amendment after that one had him winning the election.
• Not to be ignored, the Bernie Bros have stated that they'd rather hand Trump the presidency than vote for Biden. When the NY Post published this, they used the word 'exodus.' I thought they meant the socialists were leaving the country. Oh well.....

Everybody's favorite perv uncle, Joe Biden, forgot the year and wandered out of frame during a livestream. This man is presidential material. THIS is the Joe Biden we wanted to see while he was Vice President. It has been speculated that President Obama told the Secret Service to tie Uncle Joe to a chair for 8 years. Unless they find him with a 5 year old in a hotel, where pictures and video are already on the internet, this is the presumptive democratic nominee for president.

• Being stubborn, rigid may lower your risk of Alzheimer's.
• Hello... this is my wild card! Not only won't I get Alzheimer's, neither will my entire family. I have enough stubborn for the East Coast of the US.

EASTER

Happy Easter to those who celebrate (or care).
Although I'm not Catholic, I want you who are to enjoy whatever it is that you do.

In truth, I am part of a large, non-Catholic denomination that celebrates Easter. We are commonly known as the Holy C (candy). The malted balls are a favorite here, as well as the Reese's white chocolate candy.  As with any group, we had to split into 2: the people who dive right in, and the people who wait a day, til the candy goes on sale. Having been both, sometimes on the same day, I belong to the Sale Group. If I find myself at an Easter celebration and there's candy, I will switch over to the Dive Right In group for the day. I know, I know, religious hypocrisy. But let's face it: I'd have to want to leave the house and go to an Easter celebration for that to happen.

Since I'm not Catholic, my view of Easter is largely candy, complicated by reality. It's never fun when reality creeps into the picture. So I'm going to explain Easter to my fellow non-Catholic readers (so you'll only sound like a partial doofus at gatherings).  Warning: if you are an easily-offended Catholic, you want to stop reading right now. Solution: if you are easily-offended, you wouldn't be reading this blog, so....


Easter: Jesus comes out of his cave and looks around. If he goes back in, with a sad look on his face, we get another 6 weeks of gloomy weather (this happens regardless of Jesus where I live). If he goes jogging, it will be a good year for the crops (and thusly, Monsanto).  The final option, Jesus doing miracles, has been hoped for over 2,000 years. He will heal the sick (putting doctors and insurance companies out of work, so their lobbies got this option taken off the sheet). He will cure ailing cars (putting mechanics out of work, so they, too, got this removed from the list). Lastly, he will create peace the world over. This option proved the most difficult. This would force the Military Industrial Complex to starve, ruining entire economies, and giving millions nowhere to fight, causing worldwide starving. Jesus had no way of knowing that Peace = Starvation. Also put out were the politicians, who pretended to care about peace, and the one actually working for it. Lastly, President Trump was all set, in his third term, to create peace in the middle east, so he's Very Mad at Jesus. His only remaining satisfaction is that he's still richer than Jesus. They will go on to be great friends - the best of friends. Can I have a hand for Jesus? Jesus will be white-listed at all the presidents' golf clubs, resorts, and hotels (although I'd stay away from New York for a few years).

Stations of the Cross: this is where you guess how many gas stations will be open on Easter Sunday. This is a very complex religious game, because many stations have not set their hours yet. Exceptions: any gas station that produces its own food, like Fried Quickie Chicken. Any station run by a Sikh, and anything with an expiration date. The stations are north, south, east, and Bob.

Palm Sunday: This is where the devoted, the semi-devoted, and the people who are dragged into it by relatives, for some reason, beat each other about the head and shoulders with palms. At this point, they realized that this palm thing isn't all that bad, right?  This is also the time when the non-Catholics start to pay attention and think maybe these Catholics have a point. However, they want to modify Palm Sunday so the celebration is done at individual homes, sometimes with only 2 people, sometimes with up to 25.  Sssshhhhhhh  - the safe word is BUNNIES.

Ash Wednesday: People go to church, whereupon a person in a very silly white getup puts ashes on their forehead. The first time I saw this, I was aghast... how could people walk around with dirty foreheads for an entire day? My friends, bless them, took me aside and explained it to me. Then I became privately aghast. I have it on good authority that children sometimes celebrated this holiday in their own individual tradition: they smoked a cigarette, while writing their excuse notes for school, and put the ashes on their foreheads. This only worked once, because Catholic mothers know the difference between cigarette ashes and Proper ashes. Even modern science can't tell the difference, but MOM can. They just never asked her. Oddly enough, Jewish mothers can also tell, but nobody asked them either. The Jews think Jesus was ahead of his time: he worked at the first ever Car Wash. This gave him a lot of spare time to do miracles and stuff.

Jesus: I was really far out of the loop on Jesus, so it took quite a while to figure out this whole Father, Son, and Holy Ghost thing. You can't be 3 people.... unless.... Jesus with the first with multiple personalities! Just wait til the church starts fighting with psychology! The church will say there's no such thing as multiple personalities. Psychology will say there's no such thing as Jesus. It will be funny to watch for the first few hundred years; after that, it will get tedious.


Good Friday: The Catholics, overnight, in a quiet raid, borrowed a worldwide tradition. After an entire week of working, we celebrate by getting drunk, having sloppy sex, hugging telephone poles, eating things that don't go well with alcohol, and drinking alcohol that doesn't go well with other alcohol. Everybody looks forward to Friday. When the Catholics 'appropriated' it, they gave official standing to Friday Activities. The only thing they changed was during sloppy sex, you cannot use a condom, and you have to have sloppy sex strictly for having a baby.  Good Friday happens 52 times a year, but officially it only happens once. If you forget and use a condom in your drunken state, you must enter the Holy Closet and whip out a few bills for the poor and the PAL (Priests Alcohol Locker).  You are forgiven, and free to go out and do it again next Friday.


Super Saturday: This is a brand new (under 1,547 years) tradition that means nothing. Saturday just felt lonely, between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, thus was given its own holiday. We all have the person in the family who thinks he deserves his own holiday.... no one invites him to family parties, yet he shows up anyway.


Easter Sunday: on this day, most of the stores are closed. This is the way you can tell Catholics are serious about this holiday. Skipping ahead a few months, this is why the Jews eat Chinese food on their holidays. The Catholics have no choice but to eat at delicatessens, where they think corned beef is some dark shade of red, not brown, as Jesus decreed.


Easter Monday: when the candy sales start. Also typically when employers give their employees the day off, in celebration of Jesus the candy sales.

• According to a Vatican exorcist, one exorcism he presided over had the person levitate and stay on the ceiling for 6 hours.
• YOU - You get down off the ceiling and get exorcised, you demon from hell. This is precisely what my mother used to say to me.

Today I identify as   a missing COVID-19 test kit, going for $1950 on Ebay


Heroes of the Stupid

Utah may make it illegal for cops to masturbate in their cars.
Is there a need for this law? what about at home?



SJW Saltiness


Bulletin: It's racist to shut down travel from places that are heavily diseased.
It's racist to identify where the disease came from.


Furry hate is always just a cover for queerphobia
not when the #1 show in the nation features furries...


Tammy Bruce: Dem erasure of Tulsi Gabbard is the ultimate misogyny
Damn - I thought having a penis was the ultimate misogyny

Some Panty-Twisting News

This blog's perennial favorite inadvertent comic, Michele Bachmann, has just graced headlines with yet another whopper: she claims that Hurricane Irene is "God's warning to lawmakers to limit the size of government."

I guess we have to give her credit for not claiming this is God's warning over doing abortions.  When the Passion of the Christ came out, certain Christians claimed abortions were responsible for earthquakes in Mexico.

It is borderline hysterical to hear good old Michele make this stuff up, even when she technically hasn't made it up (and claims it was just a joke).  The whole reduce the size of government thing really belongs to this blog's perennial favorite presidential candidate, Ron Paul.  She just added the God bit, as she is wont to do.  Come to think of it, Rick Perry has `appropriated' a number of Paul's platforms too.

What is not borderline hysterical is that there are apparently legions of drooling followers who believe this verbal excrement.

Speaking of excrement, why should anybody care that Lady Gaga apparently dressed like a man at a recent appearance.  I certainly don't care.  I wouldn't even know about it if it hadn't appeared as a headline on a few allegedly serious news sites I read.

Beyonce is pregnant.   
I didn't do it.

Paris Hilton is over.
Good for us.

Consider my panties in a knot.

----------

More amusing than panty-twisting is President Giveaway apparently trying to bring back the nostalgic days of Jeb Bush and Billy Carter, infamous presidential siblings (and human failures).  The president's aunt was arrested and flagged for deporation but somehow wound up being granted asylum a while back.  The other night, a Kenyan illegal immigrant was arrested for DUI and demanded the White House be called.  His name was Onyango Obama, the president's uncle.

Speaking of Vladimir Putin, do we ever get to see President Giveaway riding a Harley?