Confuse an Elephant

Google 'really sorry' for humans listening to your conversations. Stopped program. Started it again. Feel safer now?

Among the top 10 most surveilled cities in the world, are 8 in China, plus London and Atlanta, GA. This is based on the number of CCTV cameras per 1,000 people.

Group sex app leaks locations, pics and personal details. Identifies users in White House and Supreme Court   Data leaks are nothing to laugh at. Ok, maybe just this one time....

Windows 10 is now running on over 900 million devices.
... They know this because your pc phones home to Microsoft.




Dear lefty

• You sound... less miserable today
• Not anymore

I love my wife, for so many reasons. Today it's because she talks to all of my relatives. If it weren't for her, I'd have to talk to all of my relatives. Hats off to Mrs lefty! She's like a human firewall.



Today I identify as a writer of children's books. F-cking ankle biters.

• "The meek shall inherit the earth - a 6 foot plot above them." - Robert A. Heinlein

Robert F Kennedy, Jr, has been diligently researching his father's murder.
His claim is security guard Cesar Eugene Thane killed his father, then the CIA led the coverup. The theory was made public on the day Thane died in the Philippines.

We know Sirhan was a Manchurian Candidate, programmed to kill, but have no recollection of it. There were more shots than his his small gun could produce, evidence removed, and shots from the rear. Even a Manchurian Candidate cannot shoot from the front and the rear at the same time.

Best of luck, RFK Jr. You're among the bravest people on the planet (or not wired right); being a Kennedy and researching a Kennedy's death.

My $0.02?  Cesar may have pulled the trigger, but it certainly wasn't his idea. Who is powerful enough to produce a mind-controlled assassin? Definitely the CIA, possibly others. If the CIA wasn't the originating organization, who ordered them to do it? Like his brother, RFK pissed off a lot of powerful people and organizations.

Now imagine you live in a country where very powerful interests can get a very powerful government agency to kill the president of the United States and his brother, a potential democratic candidate for president. Oh wait, you don't have to imagine it.  Stop and think about this for a minute, whether or not you liked the Kennedys...

• British Muslims have run the first ever pride festival.
• It starts on a rooftop and ends on the pavement.

By now, just about everybody on the planet has a reality show. We need to take the next step and I'm here to spark things. We'll call it Tase! The idea is to tune in and watch your favorite celebrities tazed on national tv. The initial promotion is that it's almost a reality show. The back side is that people call in and bid for their favorite celebs to be tazed, with all the profits going to charity. We can have all the rabble who love reality shows, with base human animalism plus charity. It has all the elements. We'll add some attractive models, a decorator mattress for the celebrities to fall on after they get tazed. We'll need a Tazemaster... Someone suggested Judge Judy, but she's the first one to get tazed. That's my only ask.

Speaking of Useless TV, there is an upcoming re-do of Walker, Texas Ranger.
...again, not an original idea in all of Hollywood.

• It's so weird having a dog who just behaves like a dog. We're pretty happy that, although she loves people food, she doesn't try to steal it.
• Until last night, when she cleaned up a plate of cheesecake and ran.

No thank you, I'd rather  watch every Adam Sandler movie in chronological order.

• Multiple suicides on aircraft carrier George H.W. Bush leads to investigation...
• several in the Navy said something bad about Hillary
• the Navy is terrified that Bush will come back from the grave to get them
• disagreement over the word 'seamen'

Sometimes it's almost impossible to get a word with my wife, and it's not because we're married. She's busy (although I'm never sure with what, but she assures me she's busy, and that's good enough for me). Being the clever sort, I discovered a way to make contact every time, without fail:  announce I'm going to be incommunicado, go into my office, and close the door.

This will immediately cause some sort of emergency that can only be solved by knocking on the door or standing there, waving (non-preferred) body parts, as if I can interpret what that means. When I point to the phone I'm using for a call, the gesticulation gets wilder... unfortunately I still can't interpret whatever the waving is about. When it finally sets in that I can't understand the perfectly understandable arm and leg spasms, I will be left alone. Unfortunately this will only last 60 seconds, at which time I'm presented with a note. "I'm going out front to pull weeds."

THIS is why you had to do the Interruption Dance while I was trying to hear the phone conversation?

Well, I had to let you know.

She goes to weed, I get back to my phone conversation. At this point, it's less a conversation than a monologue, as only the other person is speaking.

VOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!
That's the sound of weeding. With some sort of nuclear-powered weeder that requires a small brigade of Marines to deliver and install. 

Thank heavens.. the weeder stopped. I can't even hear the Marines packing the beast up. 30 seconds later, she's back and gesticulating. Again.

What is it THIS time?

I just wanted to know.

YES?

Did I disturb you?

Only when you stand near me or are within 20' of the house.

Ok, I'll be quiet.

Bless you, Dear.

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG
OOPS, sorry. I forgot you were doing something important and was playing with my Barbie Home Jackhammer Kit.

Do you see this phone?

Yes, you're using it for something important.

Do you think you can not use construction equipment for just a few minutes longer?

I'm sorry.

Just remember, this is important.

Ok.

BANGCRASHBANGCRASH SHATTER.

JESUS FC, WHAT IS IT THIS TIME? Bowling with hammers? Tuba tuning?

Well, I was trying to be quiet since you're busy on an important call. I was being very careful and I fell into the pile of old glass decanters your dead relatives gave you in the will.

Good thing you were being quiet. I can't imagine what it would sound like if you weren't.

I promise I won't bother you again. I'll sit on the couch.

Thank you.

WELL WE'RE MOVIN ON UP... TO THE EAST SIDE... TO A DEE-LUX APARTMENT.. IN THE SKYYYYYY

What is that horrible rumble? Did you forget I was on the phone?

Well, I couldn't hear the tv, so I had to turn it up. I can't watch it if I can't hear it.

The city has men outside with sound meters, deciding whether it's noisier at the airport or here. My money's on here. Speaking of my money, may I finish this call?

Sure. I'm sorry. I just wanted to watch tv. I wasn't bothering you. I didn't knock on the door or make hand signals.

I'll get out the Cone of Silence so I can only hear the phone.

CLICK TAP BOOM BOOM CRASH CLICK TAP BOOM BOOM SNAKE NOISE.

I need to go somewhere quiet, like Syria.

Oh, sorry, was I disturbing you? I was just testing out my collection of high volume percussion instruments.

You don't by chance still have your Barbie Home Demolition Kit, do you?

No, I left that in the bulldozer.

Barbie Home Chemistry Explosive Kit?

Haven't seen that in a while.

Barbie Home Dent Hammering Kit?

Thanks for reminding me - I need to work on the car.

No you don't. Will you be quiet?

I promise.

Not a peep?

Nothing.

Thank you.
[finish call]
Dear, where are you? Honey? Darling? Coordinator of Destruction?
[silence]
What's that.. a note...

Dear lefty. You said not to disturb you, so I went to visit my cousins, 3 hours away. I know you wanted to hang out, but I figured you wouldn't mind and I didn't want to disturb you. See you in a few days.

And that's how I get 5 minutes with my wife.




Heroes of the Stupid

A Florida woman was cited after biting a truck stop camel's genitals.
so many questions, so little time....

We're deploying troops to Saudi Arabia. That's stupid from top to bottom.



SJW Follies

James Flynn wrote a book called "In Defense of Free Speech: The University as Censor."  The book has been banned.

Federal judges at the US Court of Appeals went against the FCC:

"did not adequately consider the effect its sweeping rule changes will have on ownership of broadcast media by women and racial minorities."

The decision has no bearing on the fact the the FCC ceased doing anything useful many years ago.

we paid HOW MUCH for this course?

Suck it Up

You'll notice all the commercials for vacuums. There's all sorts of new technology to suck stuff up. One of them is battery power, because plugging your vacuum into an outlet is so inconvenient.  You have to admit these ads are quite compelling, showing young, attractive people using the device, in an apparent attempt to clean.  Let's face it - their 'dirty' furniture is cleaner than our clean furniture. There's even a dog. Yeah, right. They don't show the dog defecating on the floor (or the couch).  This is supposed to make you feel all kinds of positive about vacuuming. They have smiles on their faces, while explaining all the new Sucking Features and Methods of the device.

So you buy one of these, at approximately three times what you paid for your current vacuum, that you don't use. Because nobody likes to vacuum, except those OCD people, who will do it at 3am if necessary, and it's always necessary. The manufacturer has sold another unit and you've done your part to help capitalism. You're still not going to vacuum.


Which brings me to Dyson. Dyson is a name that was made up after months of focus groups; the kind that bother you in malls. It sounds all scientific and miraculous. Dyson makes devices that bend the laws of physics as we know them (and we generally don't know them). Everything they make is in the form of a stand or handle, with a loop at the end. The loop is where it all happens. Their handheld Loop Device will cool an entire house (and dog-sit). As if the miracle of air conditioning weren't enough, it purifies the air. It's an ingenious little device, which came from back-engineering a thingie on the ship that crashed at Roswell. Yes, this is alien technology. When turned on, the device causes the house to time travel to a colder season, thereby making it feel cooler. Consult your doctor to see if Dyson is right for you. May cause kidney failure, death, or embarrassment. Whatever you do, do NOT send out your bills or make vacation plans while the device is working. Do not, under any circumstances, operate the device when you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant. Or just want to have sex.


in a variety of sizes

• I need to hurry up before all the Engelbert Humperdinck tickets sell out

• Because you're DYING to know, his real name is Arnold George Dorsey. He changed his name to Englebert for the German composer of 19th century operas (because the reference is so much more hip to American audiences)

The absolute best question in 5 years of being on Reddit is "Why is it easier to insert a cucumber into my vagina than a carrot?"  This is not a typical question, but an award-winning one.

• Gaming Disorder is officially recognized by the World Health Organization. Repetitive Stress? In that case, I already have it, but not from games.
• And in a manic spurt of activity, the World Health Organization no longer classifies being transgender as a mental disorder. Twitter's right wing will be very upset.

One looks back every now and then.... and realizes one never really ran afoul of upskirting laws. It's too late now.

• No matter who you are, there will be someone who sees angels and fairy dust when they say The Cloud. When they speak of this with great reverence, make sure to mention that a scan by research firm Lacework turned up 22,000 systems unprotected or publicly available.

Recently there was an anti-knife protest in England.

Anti. Knife.

Because knives are a gateway to spoons.

• Thank goodness this is a light week, because researchers only found seven vulnerabilities in 400 models of IP Cameras (security cameras). 

In feminism news, the self-victimization continues: Mindy Kaling claims that white male critics are being 'unfair' to 'Oceans 8'.  Or maybe it just sucks, I don't know. The single commercial I saw reeks of 'we needed to make this movie with women in all the important roles.'

A feminist bookstore closes from lack of sales, white men blamed.

If there was a meeting of white men, strictly for the purposes of closing feminist bookstores and being unfair to female-led movies, I never got the invitation and I'm feeling some kind of way about this. In fact, I never got the invitation for any meeting of white males, for any reason (including nerding, the presidency, or heavy metal bands).

• A California judge has ruled that Twitter’s policy of banning users “at any time, for any reason or for no reason” may constitute an “unconscionable contract”, and that a lawsuit against the company brought by self-described “white advocate” Jared Taylor may proceed on that basis.
• Wow. 
• We know I'm not a legal scholar, but unconscionable contract seems to be a way to get out of one way contracts. If true, there are so many contracts as to be unconscionable. They might include any social media, credit cards, mortgages, etc etc etc. This is an observation, not a complaint.
• Many people are upset at Twitter for throwing people off randomly, generally the right-leaning. The victim this time is a white supremacist, claiming Twitter's policy of free speech is a lie. He's correct, no matter how disgusting the speech. This mirrors the First Amendment, however, the Social Justice Warriors believe they can censor anyone that doesn't agree with them (because words hurt). 
• IF Twitter can be held to their Free Speech claim, this would be good news for many. Something about this smells odd, though. Should a private corporate entity have to be burdened with government regulation (no matter how much I'd like to see Twitter suffer)?

Speaking of women, I just saw a commercial where the big question was "How do I want to be seen as a woman?"  Strong, assured, etc. Works for me. While these qualities are being listed, a flawless model is lithely walking around in a small bathing suit, then standing in a pool. Is this what they call mixed messages?

• Speaking of commercials, I saw one for Period Poverty. It's from a pad company that is donating one pad to schools per box sold. 
• Did you know about Period Poverty? I didn't.
• If anyone reading experiences this, please contact me.

Get ready: the very smart, enterprising people at Google have announced a spying device for hotels. It's called Sleep Spy (no it isn't, but it should be). Google promises not keep any data (and Google wouldn't lie, would they?).

Alexa, have the front desk bring me 97 lubed condoms, black
Alexa, where do I get a leather mask at this hour?
Alexa, I need a companion: flat rate, not hourly. any mix of genitalia, likes pudding.
Alexa, send a death threat to Google headquarters. Sign it from you.

• A journalist decided to spend ten days off Faceyspaces. He was harassed to death by the very same Faceyspaces. Good reading.

State police are looking for a Pennsylvania man, Shawn Christy, of McAdoo, after he posted a message on social media, threatening to put a bullet in Trump's head. The message has since been erased. Christy is to be presumed armed and dangerous, so if you see him, yell, "Hey pussy - Trump made your mother his love slave."

The Secret Service's response was, "You want to shoot the president? Stand in line, idiot."

Many people accuse the president of many negative things. If you think critically, you'll notice he's been great for the economy: the Secret Service is nine times as busy handling threats, gun sales are good (but not as good as under Obama), lawyers are having a boom year, and social media has gone through the roof with people bitching about every thing he does/wears/says. Even porn stars are in the news. Mental health counselors and heart doctors can't keep up with the demand, as well as forensic cleaning crews, for when his detractors' heads explode.