I'll Drop the Poop off Tomorrow

...said my wife to the vet 

I went shopping yesterday. We went to the French place called Tarjay.

They took a page from CostCo and moved everything around, so people who have been shopping there for years can't find anything. I wonder who in the organization thought this was a good idea.

Also in the questionable department was certain rows that didn't survive the tornado that blew through them. It was either a tornado or they hired large amounts of people to randomly throw clothes at the ground. Some of them missed.

I was looking for some tanks, of the wearable variety. Naturally there were none by the model that was wearing one. Through serious detective work, Wife found them. Hundreds of feet away from the section where they belonged. Good going, Tarjay.

The real fun started when we tried to pay for them. We're a pretty honest group; we like to pay for things. This was made difficult by only two cashiers out of 147 lanes. I guess Manglement didn't think there would be any customers on the weekend. Even the self-checkout lanes were mobbed. We were carefully considering leaving the cart there.

The most laughable moment came in the checkout lane, where a masked customer asked me to give her more space.  Why should I have to pay for her neuroses? The mask is way past done, and doesn't work anyway. Maybe she's a Fauci. The cashier was in tears as we talked about El Masko.

This is the sort of thing that happens whenever I leave the house and is why I don't get out much.

You can now buy a flame-throwing robot dog for under $10,000

  It's like a dream come true. I love dogs and I love flamethrowers! 

Lead From Gasoline Blunted the IQ of About Half the U.S. Population, Study Says

  Well... that explains a lot....

Air Escaping from Your Buttocks

Musical Appreciation Time

This was my least favorite class in school. Sure, I'm a musician, but lyrics baffle me. If I had my way, and I make a point of it, we'd just banish them from music. It's like Shakespeare: it's simply not written to be understood. "Oh Capulet... wherefore art thou, Montague - the kettle's on the boil and we're so easily drawn away." How do you interpret this stuff?

So let's go.
Today's entry is from Procol Harum. Right off the bat we're in trouble, because we can't even understand the name. In fact, we can't even tell what language it's in. Might be English - who knows?  The song is called Conquistador. Another way we can tell we're in trouble is that he pronounces it ConKWIStador. Two countries separated by a common language.

So one day, Famous Rock Star Gary Brooker sits down and says to himself, "Self, I need a hit to follow Whiter Shade of Pale. Hey, why don't I write a song about Spain's failed conquering activities in some dinky country, probably in northern South America, where the natives are less than happy to see them?"  Because this is always the first thing that comes to mind when searching for song topics.

Conquistador your stallion stands, in need of company 

And like some angel's haloed brow, you reek of purity.

 Are we done yet? I am.
We can safely assume a conquistador, however it's pronounced, is one of those Spanish guys who went around causing havoc, conquering land and people, in the name of the queen (Elton John, before he became a Sir).  His horse is lonely, for some reason, and he's really really pure. Do we seriously want to know what pure meant, way back then?

And though you came with sword held high, you did not conquer - only die.

 Now we've hit the crux of the biscuit.
This is a a delightfully witty way of defining abject failure.


And this is why I failed literature and music appreciation.



We bid fond farewell to Daryl Dragon, better known as the Captain, from the Captain and Tenille. Love won't keep them together.




Dear lefty

• Blog Ignorer Chng Ng, of the University of No Vowels, Wales, asks why don't you show your face?
• Dear Cheech: Ask me that question when you're back in men's clothes.

Is it too late for updated Chrsitmas songs? [yes]

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
I'm Dreaming of a White Woman
My Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
The Little Jewish Boy: I'm Hasidic, baruch atah tah



Speaking of little Jewish boys, the world has come a long way. Or a short way, depending on your perspective.

My extensive research (I asked a Jew I know) revealed how difficult it was growing up Jewish. Her friends' parents looked at her suspiciously, almost as they'd look at a black girl, but less. In school she'd have to sing Christmas songs - one didn't opt-out then. When she asked about Hanukkah songs, the teacher blew a spring and the class snickered at her. When her mom watched the neighbor's kids while the mother was having another one, they thanked her and said they didn't know Jews could be so nice.

Seriously?

In other directly sourced items, Wife survived Catholic school and got the t-shirt. She said they barely said a word about Jews, other than they were the devil. Wife thought they had horns or something... she didn't know how else to pick them out.

Seriously?




I miss Leon Russell.
He was a member of the Wrecking Crew - the studio guys who played on everyone's records from Sinatra to the Beach Boys. He did solo stuff, he was Joe Cocker's bandleader for the Mad Dogs and Englishmen tour, and he was always a sight, with long hair and a genuine southern twang. Sir Elton John inducted Leon into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2011. You need to watch this - Elton's speech is heartwarming. If you listen very carefully, Elton's piano playing sounds an awful lot like Leon's. Also check out Tedeschi Trucks Band with the reunited Mad Dogs personnel, Leon included.

Quantum Physics Question: Dave Mason (Traffic) wrote Feelin Alright, one of Joe Cocker's biggest songs. When Dave came out and sang Feelin Alright in Joe's style, did that create some sort of universal vacuum or antimatter?

• We bid farewell to Sondra Locke(74), actress and girlfriend of Clint Eastwood, from complications of cancer.

Apparently I was bored.
A friend popped by and we went for dinner.
When I got home, the phone told me there was an update. This is not right, because I have those services turned off. I told it to go ahead and reboot, at which point they told me I couldn't make phone calls while the phone rebooted. YOU'RE KIDDING.... I can't make phone calls while the phone's off? I'm returning it. I expected better.

During the 90 seconds, I got pretty screens. 5 minutes later, I was looking at the same screens. Lovely.  No matter what I tried, I couldn't reboot the thing. Finally I found it, the phone rebooted, and the update finally completed. Good thing, as I was going to lodge the update in some carrier's nether regions, as soon as I could make a call.  Reminder: BACK YOUR PHONE UP FREQUENTLY. Just in case.

• Once again, the blog stats show some interesting places people have been before arriving here. I don't know who, and I'm not interested. Just that the adult cam sites are apparently very popular with people (don't worry, the stats don't tell me who). Either that or the Adult Anal and Cheating on your wife sites gave up and cam sites took over Troll Duty. So I salute people with interesting lives, unlike mine. Bring us back some video, please. Share with your fellow readers.

Dear lefty

• Captain Shlomo Ionicelli, Italo-Israel Police, wants to know how to get even with his sister for the Hooker Fiasco.
• Get her kids drums for Christmas/Hanukkah

Another day, another Faceyspaces booboo.

Remember they hired factcheckers to fix their 'fake news' problem?

The checkers are walking because Faceyspaces is ignoring their concerns.

• Today's best out-of-context statement: Would you get her poop? 
• Also: When you get a minute, can you come in here and feel my anal gland?

Speaking of pets, do something nice for the holidays (or regularly): your local SPCA, rescue group, and vet can always use Stuff and donations. Our vet has a basket and fund to help people with their bills and foods, including meds your pet didn't use and toys. The SPCA always needs donations - food, towels, money. Rescue groups are funded from the pockets of the volunteers (I used to be one). Marshall will be making a donation this year, unfortunately posthumously.

• Here's a conspiracy so dark, so real, so mean-spirited, that people dare not talk about it: Christmas. Christmas itself can go either way: great or sucky. Thus far, mine is as much fun as chewing glass. Even a voluntary agoraphobe has to get out now and then - I like an occasional weekend jaunt. We were all set, with a plan. Then my brother called: every asshole with a car was on the road. Wife told me you'd have to circle the mall parking lot for an hour to get a spot.
• Christmas has actually prevented me from leaving the house. I will not suffer traffic, wall to wall idiots in malls and no seating in loud restaurants. Three WEEKS in the house.
• It's a madly sadly conspiracy, I tell you. 

Just for your edification, there's a forensic psychologist. In case you know this already, along with Doggie Oncologist, I bet you didn't know there's a forensic geophysicist (in case water or dirt gets murdered).

• The business that's transforming the world of Suck with vacuums and air cleaners, now has a hair dryer. It's all sorts of futuristic, with no visible heater and no visible power switch. It's 299 pounds British (447 gallons American). For that price, it should give you the option of Personal Suck, although I'd be hesitant to test out that function..... don't forget the Vacuum Incident... I haven't.

Guitar Players

Fender has a good article on neck shapes. They go over C, V, and U, with excellent descriptions (very little on radius). The irony here is that most of their guitars come with one generic C-neck. This is my bugaboo with Fender.  If you're a lefty, it's even worse. Either way, you have to spend more because the models with the nicer necks are the special (more expensive) ones, not stock models.

Check out the new Strats: 50s, 60s, and 70s series. They are very reasonably priced and have interesting neck shapes. Naturally they're not listed as available lefty, and Customer Service has not gotten back to me.

If you're interested in necks that aren't their C shape, check out the 70s Tele reissue, Baja Tele (highly recommended), 52 Tele reissue ($$), Jimmie Vaughan (older) Strat, 50s Strat, and the hideously expensive top of the line vintage 50s Strat. If you can find them - I sure as hell can't - lefty or righty. In the 5th largest market in the country, I can't find guitars. What a shithole.

Low-Fi Nose Blowing

It has been mentioned here that in the US, car commercials concentrate on the Important Stuff: the stereo.  The iDevice commercials are out and consist of everything being right with the world, according to Prophecy, and concentrate on the great camera and many colors in which the phone is available.  Ah... advertising.

• If you watch LivePD, you'll notice rows of people sitting at computers, looking incredibly serious and busy. LivePD isn't live, and those people are surfing pr0n and watching COPS reruns. shhhhhhh........

Remember when someone made a video a McDonald's burger, proving it never grew mold or broke down? Turns out it's the same for 4 day old cheese fries. Or so they tell me.

• I finally had Turkey Day turkey, only 10 days after Turkey Day. This means my turkey came early. We took everything to my parents' place and they invited Penny too. She was excited to meet everybody. Within 5 minutes, she had pooped on the floor. Not at all embarrassing. If she weren't so friendly, I would have been denied my own turkey. The dog has never done that before. I'm so happy to see you I could defecate.
• As if that weren't enough, she's on meds for this worm and that worm. It's Vet Bills all over again. My PTSD is killing me. I'm doing all I can to stay off the nightly news.

When looking at/for android apps, you can find 12 word-find programs, with tiny differences between them. You can also find a buttload of even more completely useless or questionable apps. I happen to have a few in mind: mushroom identification, flower and plant identification, learn 31 new languages, Burger King Russia, dna testing (dare we ask how the sample is obtained?), gay chat (because gays chat differently?), Lego (because an app is way more fun than actual physical Legos? Or just advertising the next, horribly expensive version), gesture control (I have a gesture for this), coloring book (just shoot us now), 7 minute workout (sure, let your phone kill you), Nintendo emulator (why not a Pong emulator?). My favorite, Lego aside, is the coloring book. Have we really come to the level when coloring books are a thing of the past? Crayons are so 2000 - get the app!

Maybe we can come up with a few suggestions... hmmmm....

• Turn signal emulator (banned in New Jersey, might be too complex and foreign for the rest of the country)
• Sex app: virus-free! Better than getting no sex at all (hopefully)
• Signature app: why should you stoop to actually picking up a pen?
• Virtual Reality Walking App - since you don't leave the couch anyway, why not show the grandkids what it was like.
• Ice Cream App: since you're unbelievably neurotic and think that a bowl of ice cream will put 100lbs on you, or you're lactose intolerant, you can fire up a vision of eating real ice cream! It even lets you pick the flavor... no weight gain, no spending your days off in the bathroom. If you order the right flavor, you get a second scoop. The second scoop will put weight on you.
• Text app: it's been a long day of looking at cat pictures. You're bushed. Fire up the text app... it will stay online all night, texting random people and telling friends your deepest secrets. All this while you recover from your near-fatal repetitive stress injury.

• Watch out - a clever spouse might figure out their Christmas gift. The parent firm of Kay and Jared jewelers exposed the order information of all their online customers. It's ok, they fixed it (groan)
• If you live in Ames, Iowa, for some reason, and don't believe in paying parking tickets, you're in good shape: the online parking ticket payment system got breached.
• If you're a Quora user, a data breach exposed 100 million users. Quora's response was delightfully understated: "We have discovered that some user data was compromised by unauthorized access.... "
• In case anybody's counting, and even if they're not, do you see a pattern here? Breach after breach, from local to national to international. It's because no one gives a rat's ass about security. No one will until the cost of dealing with the incident trumps the cost of implementing security. In other words, the cost of failure is already built into the budget.

The British Film Institute will no longer fund movies where the villain has facial scarring, to "remove the stigma around disfigurement".  No word on eye patches, gold teeth, large noses, sitting in chairs stroking cats, fangs, short people, invisible, more than 2 eyes or breasts, unibrow, people dressed in black, or male pattern baldness.

I'll be petitioning the BFI to no longer fund any pictures with a right-handed cast. There is a pervasive stigma against the left-handed, which cannot be allowed to persevere.  Move to England - we have no stigmas left!

• Why are we not done with the "unsubscribe" spam yet?

Dear lefty

• Janice Mung, of Bird in Hand, Pennsylvania, asks why it's difficult to hold a number of birds in your hand.
• It is helpful to limit the number of birds in your hand to the amount you can comfortably handle. Swallows are non-migratory. 

If you're feeling at all unsafe, now's a great time to move to New York. First they protected you from large sodas. Next up is legislation making it a misdemeanor to send pics of your junk to an unwilling recipient. You could face a year in jail, a fine of $1,000, or both. If you wind up in jail, you'll get close-up views of your cellmate's junk. New York: The New California

In an absolute shock and surprise, the UK is way ahead of New York, with this offense being the same as showing your junk in person (and causing offence, of course).

• Say what you want about George HW Bush, but his passing got some people a day off work. He will be remembered fondly.
• I suspect the former president died several years ago and they forgot to tell him. He looked pretty bad.

Dumb De Dumb Dumb

According to the Federal Communicators Network, even if you're trying, you're probably not writing for the average American. The long and short of it is that Americans have become more stupider over the years, as measured by Science.

Nearly 52% of U.S. adults score below Level 3 proficiency (i.e., they score Level 2 and below), with almost 20% of our population at the very lowest levels of performance.

A score of 3 on this test is considered proficient.
We can't have the Proles questioning policy, can we?







Dear lefty

• Roberta Ohmebum, from King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, asks why her dog chews and rearranges her network wiring
• Because he's smarter than you.

All the Windows News That's Unfit for Mainstream Media to Mention

Windows 10 security questions prove easy for attackers to exploit.
You don't even have to read it - you get the idea.

Q. Why do Windows users always get on top?
A. Because Microsoft can only fuck up.



Mein Gott - It's Faceyspaces and It's Not Good

Internal Tensions are strangling The Facebook, for the last 600 days. 
Rather than waste any time caring about these issues, Lord Zuck has inaugurated the new Loyalty Test and its cousin, the new Loyalty Guarantee. It's a little helmet they put on employees. If they're stressed, they might not be loyal, so the Loyalty Guarantee helmet, which wipes out their personality and replaces it with a zombie-like pro-Faceyspaces worker drone. Should they decide to talk to the press, their head will ring so badly they'll wish for the peace and quiet of Afghanistan.

• In some buildings, there are more 'Black Lives Matter' posters than black people
• ex-employees have been talking out of school, further demoralizing current drones employees.
• Lord Zuck states that the entire kerfuffle is a result of biased press.

The files obtained in the UK have been released/leaked/put out to watch the world burn. Read them.  The best revelation was that The FB was fully aware of tracking you closely was creepy, so they went ahead and did it. They updated their cell phone app to require 'read call log permission.' The beauty of it is the engineers figured out how to ask for the additional permission without appearing to ask for it. The program read call logs and mined your call info to better suggest people you know on FB. Are you grokking this? They used your own phone calls to market to you. When you install the app, it requires a ridiculous amount of permissions, because it invades the phone and eats all possible data. You gave it permission. It loves address book info, and what marketer wouldn't?

I don't blame the evil scum FB - they have every right to do this, plus their users rubber stamp everything. At very least, access FB in your browser - not with an app. Even Messenger listens in.

Yul Kwon is Faceyspaces' 'privacy sherpa', but the position caused all sorts of misunderstandings. It was later clarified that privacy sherpa did not relate to user privacy - it related to FB's privacy. He was there to prevent leaks and see that no valuable (damning) information got to the press. They may be evil, but they're not stupid.

So next time FB suggests you might know Margie Wong, who you've been sleeping with when your wife goes out of town and who you exchange sexts with daily, you'll know where they got this information. Since FB knows you're married, your wife will also get Margie as a suggestion. A lot. Eventually she'll ask who this Margie Wong is who keeps showing up in her suggestions.



Ever go to a restaurant with a ridiculous wait time and get on the wait list, with your name and number? You'll be shocked to find this information is also mined. Pretty soon the way you walk when you leave the house will be subject to inspection.. the better to market to you.

If you must leave information, including when purchasing something, make one up. Same for motels with hourly rates, but you didn't hear that here.

The Hair on my Left Elbow is Killing Me

Due to my love affair with the couch, I seem to be attaining a soda belly. It's not my fault.. I'm not doing anything different.

Wife brings me some fresh cupcakes. I thank her and remind her, for the fourth time this week, that I'm trying to cut down.

"SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?"


After that, she went to visit my parents. Mom was taping flowers to the wall. This is not a good thing. Mom would have ordered special flower mounts, not used tape.

It's just another day.

• Saturday: 80 degrees. Sunday: 40 degrees. Monday: 4 hour flash flood warning. Tuesday: raining carburetors.

It's a sad thing to have to admit, but I never saw Led Zeppelin live. I did, however, catch the solo tours of Page and Plant immediately after. Page's doubleneck guitar got a round of cheers as it was put on its stand.

Everyone seems to be up for a reunion except Plant. It's difficult to form an opinion on this.. I want to see Led Zeppelin, as do millions across the globe. Plant's reasoning is that he doesn't want to be a best-of act. Understood, but if you do new material, you're not a best-of act. Meanwhile, his solo career is going well. I've seen a few concerts online and his band is in fine form and the songs are good. They even slip in a reworked Zep tune here and there. Recommended.

What's bothering me at the moment (as opposed to what's bothering me in general or specifically at any other moment) is something about Plant's solo career.  I don't even know what it is.  Recently I discovered some live shows from the early 80s. I was there, front and center, at the hockey stadium. For whatever reason, it became very important to listen to the concert and collect more. The music came back to me. I remembered the riffs and where everything went, including stuff I didn't remember I remembered. And then I had my fill.

Don't you know that I came across another old concert and some rehearsal material and listened for a bit. Now the songs are whirling through my head again, like one of those amusement park rides that... whirl. It is said that music recalls another time and place. I certainly don't feel like a different time or place. I feel good tunes. Regardless, they're back again and I'm enjoying them. It's just that I always have to know why, which makes life frustrating.

• England recently held the BAFTA Game Awards. Yes, an awards ceremony dedicated to video games. Next year, the Hand Mixer Awards air for the first time. I, for one, can't wait.

If you log into your Yahoo or AOL email (if you still have AOL email, there's little that can help you), you'll see a new privacy and terms notice. In light of the Faceyspaces scandal, they want you to know they're reading your email, and will most likely share it with Verizon, their parent company. Full disclosure is wonderful, isn't it? Don't you feel better?

Speaking of Faceyspaces, Techpinions did a survey on 1,000 people, of which 9% said they deleted their accounts. I'm trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. If the numbers hold, it's a pretty significant thing. To reach 9-10% of Faceyspaces users usually requires the personal invitation of a Kardashian. Or meth. While this number is significant, I'm bothered it wasn't higher. THANK YOU, SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

Speaking of Faceyspaces again, they just deleted over 100 private discussion groups that have been facilitating identity fraud and cybercrime on the platform for years. Faceyspaces did not discover the groups by themselves. The whole operation would've been quick and efficient if someone complained that the groups were hate groups, run by right wingers.

• Many Android device manufacturers are not telling the truth when they say they have patched phone vulnerabilities in new updates, researchers found. Fortunately I have nothing to worry about, as my carrier is too stupid to update anything and can't even tell me if I'm going to get the next version of Android.
• Reminder: put black tape or something solid over your laptop or tablet's camera. It's no longer something just us tin foils do... Zuckerburg does it too.

Are you a T-Mobile customer?
They just got hit with a $40 million FCC settlement by using fake ringtones. When you'd call someone out of range, they'd play ringtones, making you think the other party was hearing the phone ring. This was banned in 2014. Ever wonder where the settlement money goes? Certainly not to the affected parties.

• Russia is attempting to ban the secure message app Telegram. You know you're doing well when a country's leader wants you blocked.
• ThermionicEmissions' strong recommendation is to use Signal. It's available for all platforms.

David Buckel, famed gay rights lawyer, set himself on fire in New York to protest the use of fossil fuels. In a statement, the nations of the world pledged to stop using fossil fuels immediately. I sure hope he didn't use an accelerant.

• It is of no matter that there are gays in the NFL. What does bother me is that the Social Justice Warriors (SJWs) are starting to get by the detectors. NFL player and activist Terry Crews said: 

• “People have to understand that masculinity can be a cult, and when I say cult, it’s not different from David Koresh, it’s not different from Jim Jones,”

Is this some sort of Halloween joke, where he dresses as a football player but in reality is some crazed uber-feminist with green hair? The cult of SJW is large and strong now.





A substitute teacher in the Philadelphia school district has been suspended for allegedly hitting first graders.  That's one way to teach respect early on...

Speaking of Philthy, Mother Nature was booked yesterday for drunk driving. There was a line of coke on the dash and a speedball in her pocketbook.

• A college in California (of course) is hosting a No Whites Allowed pool party.  Can you imagine a college hosting a No Blacks Allowed pool party? There would be riots and calls to burn the school down.
• The invite stated only "people who identify as POC" permitted to attend (person of color).
• No problem. I identify as a person of color. And a fire engine! Vroom vroom - wooooooooooooooo!

A few days back, there was an incident in a Philadelphia Starbucks, that has no doubt gone around the world. The only facts not in dispute are that there were two male People of Color. The employees told the men they couldn't use the restroom if they weren't paying customers. They called the police, who escorted them out. Both the police, who were on camera, and the mayor state that the police did nothing wrong. The POC are claiming racism. Starbucks has apologized, letting a POC spokesperson deliver the news. Philly's Groups You're Supposed to Apologize To are apoplectic, saying that they will not accept Starbucks' apology.

The mayor will meet with Starbucks, along with his HR Helpers in case of Unconscious Bias. Starbucks will force sensitivity training. It's good that the mayor could take time away from soda taxes and his great work with his sanctuary city.

Unconscious bias. What a great term!  Is racism losing its effectiveness?



Later that night, in a Philadelphia row home:

Dad, I learned about racism today in school. It's terrible. I'm not racist, am I?

No, son, you're not overtly racist, but we have to consider that you might be unconsciously racist.

What is uncongslee racist?

Well, you could be racist and not know it.

But Dad... how can I be racism and not know it?

Err... you could have a tiny little racism gene, waaaaaay down inside.

Well how do I know?

That's why the school district says everyone has to take unconscious racism training.

[crying] But Dad... I'm NOT a racist!

I know, Bobby, but you have to trust the training.

Will it tell me if I'm racist?

Um.. not entirely.

Then why do I have to take it - you know I hate tests.

Because everyone is racist, son. Unconsciously at least.

Who says that?

Human Resources departments.

How do they know?

Because... uhhhh.. they were told so.

By who?

Industry people. Mostly lawyers.

Do lawyers know if you're racist?

No, lawyers know that it's bad publicity to not look like you're doing something, plus people of color will blame you for being racist. 

So I might not be racist unconshly?

No, but they invented the term just in case.

Dad, what's white privilege?

SHUT UP AND GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Thank God for the federal government. Without their intrusive nannying, it's a wonder any one of us is still alive. The FDA has banned the sale of caffeine in bulk quantities directly to consumers.  No, seriously. They said it could lead to injury or death.

Still no word on aspartame, or the thousands of other things they approved that can cause injury or death. Next week, the FDA will ban water, because too much water can kill you. Look up hyperhydration or water toxemia.

If any of you can snag an interview with Ben Franklin or Thomas Jefferson, can you ask them about this? I'm pretty sure their intent was to allow citizens to make their own mistakes.

• The Pentagon has turned loose a $5.1 million contract to a cybersecurity to identify illness in its soldiers via their smartphones. SARGE - hold your fire - I need to send a text!
• The phone's camera, microphone, and motion sensors will be used 'to keep tabs on deployed U.S. service members.'
• The ACLU said there just might be some privacy issues here.
• What kind of pussies work at the ACLU? Just because the government will soon have the ability to monitor your 'health' by turning on every sensor your phone has, doesn't constitute a privacy problem.
• I call BS. They can already turn on the sensors. This is just preparing us for the announcement. Even if you don't believe me, you can still see it happening, right out in the open.

That Damn Cartoon Music

I've been a Frank Zappa fan for as long as I can remember.
And why not? When you put a song like Yellow Snow near a teenager, it's bound to happen.

I had no choice but to dig deeper into the catalog. I liked more and more of his music. The first album (yes, album) I got was The Mothers, Live at the Fillmore 1971. This quickly became a favorite, playing over and over, even though I had to get up to flip the record every time. Aside from the very interesting musicianship, the thing that got me was the fantastic interplay between the singers, Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan. Only later did I learn they were The Turtles (Happy Together, actually performed on the album), aka Flo and Eddie. These two were hysterical and worked incredibly well together and with the band. Of course Frank rehearsed them to the edge of their lives. It was a huge production, and I wanted to see that live. Alas, this was a small part of Zappa history, without a ton of video I could locate. This was also before the internet [SHOCK and AWE!].

The theme of the album was being a rock star and traveling all over the country, meeting and trying to bed groupies.  Between the hilarity was instrumental bits that were kind of interesting. Not the usual masturbatory guitar solos I listened to normally. Frank was a great guitar player and a complete 180 degrees from anyone else who played. He played for as long as he wanted, and it was interesting all the way. The instrumental bits were not all guitar solos - he had other interesting things happening, but not too weird... just slightly out in his own neighborhood. Do you see why I never got called to write reviews professionally?

It's a good thing, too. Whenever I read or hear a review, I always wonder if the reviewer and I listened to the same piece of music. What I heard as ear-piercing howling, the reviewer referred to as 'the wide range of the lead singer's voice'.

In any case, further explorations into Frank's catalog turned up a few more hits and catchy bits. And even more strange, out there compositions. I refer to them as compositions because that's what we was: a composer. Yes, he had songs, but some of the stuff he did was beyond explanation; way too complex for my young ears to grasp. So I left the compositions there and enjoyed the Joe's Garage trilogy.

As I matured musically (who the hell am I kidding - I matured in nothing and remain the same genial hardhead I was at 16), I went back to the complex stuff and found I had an appreciation for it. Mind you, this is the music that parents and girlfriends call Cartoon Music, because it's very busy, fast, and jumps around a lot. It's also impossible for most rock musicians to play, but I appreciated the hell out of it. Mrs leftystrat, not so much. Since she processes things differently, it's too busy for her. Having read Vonnegut, especially what read like time travel, it confused the hell out of me. She said it was perfectly understandable to her. Oh well... if we were the same, there'd be no fun in it.

In listening to the more complex stuff, I gained an appreciation for what must've been involved, and composition in general. I sure as hell couldn't do that.

Try it out for yourself. A ton of his songs appears on YouTube. Funny stuff and cartoon stuff. Also a series called Shut Up And Play Your Guitar, which is, as you'd expect, only instrumental. If you like the music, please purchase it to help his kids, who are split into warring factions.

• A blind guy goes kayaking in the Grand Canyon. Fortunately he's not crazy enough to do it himself: he takes a guide who knows the area like the back of his hand, as well as his team, which stays in touch by radio. You know what happens next, right? There's a sudden disturbance in the water, a reinforced fiberglass paddle snaps, and the kayak turns over, trapping him in the water.  The guide, I mean.

How's Marshall?

He went for his followup visit at the acupuncturist the other day. She's very pleased at his progress. His lesion has shrunk significantly! We're beyond thrilled.

Think about this for a minute. The doctor thoroughly examines him, sticks a few needles in him and sends him home with some Eye of Newt and Stuff, and he's doing better in two weeks, maybe sooner. What does this tell you about chemicals?

Possibly to detract from getting well, his behavior has gone down the loo. He has successfully taught his mommy to walk him on command. Marshall has his own yard, so he can do whatever he wants. But there's something about his leash that makes him happy. Starting at two or three in the morning, he whines, very quietly at first, then ramps the volume and pitch until she gets up and does what he wants. Since he discovered she will walk him, he now sits by the door and whines. He trained her faster than he could ever be trained. To be fair, we never know whether the pitiful whining is pain or manipulation. My wife, bless her, lets me sleep because I have to work. Plus training me could take years.

As we know, I'm always late to the party.
HOW LATE ARE YOU?
I'm so late that I didn't know Barry Manilow was gay until last year.
THAT'S REALLY FRIGGIN LATE.

I didn't realize the power of my own dog.

When he went to the acupuncture doc, she and her assistant were oohing and ahhing over him, saying no way he could be 13-14 and he has a puppy face. The doc asked if it was ok to take pictures of him. Ok, but I'm not going to be a stage parent.

The regular vet practice is also incredibly fond of him. We take him when we're just picking something up and the multi-doctor practice goes on hold until everyone has come out and said hi to him. He's a celebrity.

On twitter, people follow his progress. One fan said if she lived here, she'd steal him.

That dog has more mojo than Dr John. If I ever needed a date, all I'd have to do is stand near him.

I can say, completely objectively, that he's a tremendously good looking cocker.
And some sort of furry therapist... he brings out all sorts of things in people.  Who knew?

Update: At Least it's Only Cancer

So I come home, followed by the wife and Marshall.
Rather then tell me what happened, she's mad as hell and wants to tell me why. Marshall seriously misbehaved at the oncologist's office. And assholes in cars. And someone took her parking spot.

Dr Doggie Onco was very nice, explained everything, and gave options.
First, the idiot vet who removed the lesion missed the second lesion, inches away. This has to be removed.

Second, no chemo. There's a new treatment done with vaccines. Once a month for a few months, then a booster. Before they start, he needs yet another test to make sure they're treating the right cancer, possibly because the previous test was not expensive enough.

We've already paid for the vet's Mercedes and her daughter's education. Plus a kitchen redecoration for the ear surgeon. Now the oncologist needs a winter home. It was bad enough when I worked to pay for our medical costs and the occasional pizza. Now it's vet costs and no pizza. And you cannot write off pet medical expenses on your taxes.

According to Dr Doggie Onco, Marshall will be with us for 2.5 to 3 years after treatment. As that's close to normal, we'll take it. I guess we never thought about the end, but today put a period on it. That's probably why I feel way worse than I should for a guy whose best friend is going to live for a few more years.

=============================

With that bright news, followed by the financial news, I decided it was past time to get working on the other job. And POOF - their server was down. No work.

Since no work, it was time to work on the basement. Yesterday I vacuumed the living room and it was a piece of cake. The basement did not go so well, largely due to three inches of water from a pipe that's older than me. Pipe repaired, water not.

Wife says she has 3 wheels for the wet-vac. Why not four? No one knows. I look at the beast and it has no provision for wheels - it just has 2 leg things, one of which was, you guessed it, missing.

Plug in and go. Well, not so much go as Nothing. Maybe there's a switch with that outlet? Why yes, there is. VOOM. Water starts getting sucked up! As does all sorts of crap that I try to avoid. No matter, the vac takes it in stride. Until the yelling. I leap to turn it off and ask what's wrong. 

"It's spitting water on my books." 

Sorry, it's got some sort of tiny leak or something. 

"Well, you can run it then." 

Yes, I was running it, until you screamed to turn it off.

Back to vacuuming water, and my Special Supervising Assistant left me to it. It filled up rather quickly. And don't you know it - water's frigging heavy. I'm struggling with the vac and my Special Supervising Assistant is standing exactly where I'm going to dump it. Like a cat. 

WHOOSH - one bucket down.

Now that I have a rhythm going, it feels better. I'm getting the damn water up and making a visual impact. Then AAAAAHHHHHH. I rush to turn the thing off and the noise is coming from the machine because it's lying on its side. Why is it lying on its side? I have no idea. I didn't even see it go down. 

Believe it or not, this has not brightened my day. In fact, my neighbors are no doubt aware of this for two blocks, even though I'm in a sealed basement.

Another bucket's full. Pull the top off the vac and SWISH, the water's all over me. More exclamations and suppositions as to the vacuum's parentage. The vac, however,  was ahead of me: when I brought the bucket back, the top had rolled right in my path, almost tripping me.

The old lefty would've been screaming that this is personal. The new lefty was trying to maintain his composure (which, unbeknownst to him, walked away earlier) and swears that this only looks like it's personal.

A couple more buckets and the job is done. I felt accomplished and my wife only had to throw down a rope, which I tied around my waist, allowing her to haul me up the steps. Yes, I felt accomplished, but I couldn't feel many of my extremities. I don't do manual labor - I'm a Knowledge Worker.

Off with the shoes, which weren't that wet. The socks, however, were soaked and the legs above them had dirt on them. So there I sat, sockless. Why was I sockless? Because every matching pair was in the dryer. Why? Because we couldn't use the washer til we fixed the pipe. Eventually my wife appeared with fresh socks. Normally everybody loves socks fresh from the dryer, but it's over ninety here with ninety percent humidity, so I waved them about til they hit room temperature. If it were still light outside, I would've waved them about outside, for the pleasure of the neighbors. I'm like that.

We got through dinner swimmingly. At no time did I grab an entire stick of butter, like I did the day before. Then, just in case I forgot what it felt like, I grabbed it again. It's a good thing they don't let me play with fire.

Tired, full, and sore, we sat down for some tv time.  The tension was starting to abate. I was feeling a nice kind of tired. Then I remembered I HAD TO PLAY ADULT AND TAKE OUT THE GODDAMN TRASH. At 9:30pm.

It might have been worse than waking up ten minutes before the alarm goes off but who's counting. The paranoid schizophrenic's motion-activated lights are a great help when I take out the trash, as I can see what I'm doing. Unfortunately they were not working, which must have him in an absolute tizzy. They snuck up and killed my lights, man.

I got one can out and BANG- the gate slams shut. As long as I've lived here, the gate has never slammed shut. I'm not mad - I'm more amused because the old lefty would say this was personal - the new lefty says it only looks like it's personal. Another can out - another BANG - SLAM. 

Really?

Now to bring out the recyclables. Oops - there's a dog in the way of the door. He's looking at me, with bags, then chooses to lay down. I politely ask him to move. I impolitely ask him to move. I notice he's playing this almost deaf thing for maximum effect, as he can hear the sound of cold cuts being opened in the kitchen from the basement. So I do what we always do: open the door, which, in turn, pushes him along the tile floor. No one gets hurt and he can go back to snoozing (or whatever he gets into while I take the trash out). 

I pick up the recyclables, which knocks twelve other things down. Week after week I tell the wife we need to find a more intelligent way of dealing with the recyclables. Week after week she agrees. Week after week I pick them up and knock twelve other things down, making a mental note (with a clear marker) to talk to the wife about finding a more intelligent way of dealing with the recyclables. I pour them into the can and only a third of them go vaulting to the ground and flying about. Boy, it's a good thing this isn't personal.

Back on the couch, Marshall appears to have no water. Off to the fridge, because we have a Water Ritual. We take a water bottle, fill it up, chill it, then pour it out very slowly into the bowl. Marshall stands there, drinking from the stream until it stops, then he takes a few sips from the bowl, and proceeds to either go swimming in it or use a paw to redistribute the water to the floor around the bowl. We have absolutely no idea why.

After the Water Ritual, I finally sit down and take the shoes off. I'm relaxing again, which is always a bad sign, when BARK - DAMMIT - I SAID BARK! The little monster, after redistributing water, opened the door I closed and decided he needed to go outside. I was about to tell him to pay for his own cancer treatment when he made it through the door.

Giving up, I went back to the couch. On the way, I stepped in the water Marshall redistributed to the floor. With my warm, clean socks.