Do Not Use Spatula for Rocket Construction, Elon

Your love is like  scrambled eggs and horseradish mustard

Are you a developer of an app you want on the Google Play store? Don't list that your app includes support for the .ASS subtitle format or you'll get rejected faster than you can say, "I disagree with social media's version of the election."

• Vladimir Putin (R-DC) said his first call with President Biden was "business-like and frank." In fact, he kept insisting on calling Biden 'Frank,' and asking for Melania, which slowed things down a bit.

The UK is sending the Columbus Ka-band Terminal to the ISS, to provide faster communications.

10 minutes after it's installed, the Russians will hack it and send racist messages to all the other satellites in orbit.

• I could have been a doctor - I have the handwriting for it. I just can't stand the sight of blood.
• Maybe an aircraft crash investigator - I've seen 20 seasons of Aircraft Crash Investigation. I just can't stand pieces of bodies.
• Perhaps an accountant. I just can't stand the sight of numbers.

Today I identify as  a butt pimple. On Sandra Bullock.  [reach for the stars]

Chaos is good for you, says first 'state of chaos engineering' report

It sure has worked well here for years and years. In fact, I can't remember a time before chaos.

Chaos engineering is the practice of deliberately injecting faults into a service to test its resilience. AWS is introducing its own version of this, called Fault Injection Service...

Everybody in the house is a trained Fault Injection Service.

In fact, this probably explains the soup packet in the bathroom.

Today the president suggested quadruple-masking for greater protection against the Flying AIDS. He restated his vow to make the USPS fleet electric. When asked for comment, the USPS said, "He mailed us notice but we haven't received it yet."

• 66,000 users' data was left wide open by VIPGames
• nobody wants the data because they're all in their parents' basements, glued to their Gamer Handsets.

Samsung’s vice chairman and de facto boss Lee Jae-Yong has reportedly sent staff motivational messages from inside prison.…

• Work hard and you can get here too
• We have a culture of improvement: do what I did but don't get caught 
• I've set high bars for your success
• you will address your supervisors as Warden

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Assault Lily BOUQUET, Backstabbing for Beginners 

Marc Ginsberg, who oversees Coalition for a Safer Web (CIA), is suing Google for not kicking Telegram off the store. After all, it's a haven for extremists.

Do you see where this is going? If they can't get back doors to your encrypted apps, make the apps hard to find. Oh yeah, who defines extremist? 

• Honey, can you come here?
• As soon as I get done checking the tissue for what came out of my nose

Today the Russians put a ton of pr0n on my hard drive. Honey.

The My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, has been suspended from Twitter for not marching with the party and saying the election was stolen. Lindell wants to run for public office. Thank God we'll still have the My Pillow commercials, with his mind-screwing Minnesota accent.  --- I'm not sure I'd be so comfy if I opened my bathroom cabinet to see Mike standing there. By the time the police left, he'd be banned from YouTube and Faceyspaces too, in addition to an operation to remove my toilet from his face.

Hi, I'm that My Pillow guy!

WTF are you doing in my bathroom?

I wanted to tell you about My Pillow.

Tell you what - you keep Your Pillow and I'll keep my pillow.

It's made in America.

Which means nothing if you can't sleep on it.

There's a 2 for 1 sale

Making them just ridiculously overpriced

It's got Head Memory!

I wish my wife did.

Has anybody told you about Jesus?

No 3-ways, sorry.

Can I sell you some sheets - they're 127% cotton.

Mine have to be 128%.

How about a tour of my plant?

How about you GTF out of my bathroom. Do you like looking at naked men? I'm no bible scholar, but I know Jesus didn't like that.

What can I sell you?

Come by for dinner a few nights, until I learn that ridiculous accent. Our treat.

Are you feelin good? I knew you would.

I'll feel a lot better when I know there's no one hiding in my medicine cabinet. Do you have any idea how many years of my wife's therapy you've undone? The dog needs tranquilizers. Although I might have you back the next time we have company... the shrieking will be worth it.

It has come to my attention that I have a problem. No, the other one.

I've noticed I can run a large network or go out into space, but filling out forms is beyond me... they always come back wrong. There is an old Far Side cartoon...

Technically it doesn't have anything to do with IQ. It's ADHD or ADD or VD or something. Women have Blonde Moments. Old people have Senior Moments. I have Adderall Moments<tm>.

My paranoid schizophrenic neighbor is moving. We'll definitely miss him.

I'll have no one to stand outside with me and yell when the black helicopters hover over our houses.

No one to bitch that the motorcycles are running down the street on purpose.

No one to tell me the police captain is a nazi and has it in for him.

No one to ask if that dent was there yesterday.

(It wasn't. You're not paranoid if they are out to get you.)

No one for Mrs lefty to share the voices with.

He's a really good guy who served his country. I hope they're taking care of him.

Sure is gonna be boring around here.

We're discussing what disorder the new neighbor should have...

• Depression is downright boring.
• Bipolar is downright boring and downright exhausting.
• If they're multiple, they'll have someone to play with...

I'm here for you, warts and all....

I saw some flakes on my shirt, just like that stupid commercial.

Asked Wife, who told me it wasn't head dandruff, it was Beard Dandruff.

Beard Dandruff?

Beard Dandruff.

There is such a thing?

Yes there is.

Don't tell me there's a special shampoo.

No, you have to moisturize it.

I have to moisturize my beard?

Yup. And it gets better: you have to moisturize several times a day.

This is all too much. I'm lucky if I eat several times a day. I've spent my entire life being a wash and wear guy.  Do I look like I have breasts? Do I look like the kind of guy who has the time and the patience to moisturize my beard skin? Maybe I can pluck my eyebrows and check out different kinds of makeup too. The thing is, I don't have a beard. I shave and it grows quickly. Is this a disease I picked up? I never had this before.  And unless I do something about it, it will look like it's snowing on my shirt. Decisions decisions...

I'm starting to appreciate that Wife spends so much time in the bathroom, moisturizing and stuff.

The (alleged) problem with not watching mass media is that I miss stuff. Twitter has been having a blast, suggesting wearing 4 to 12 masks. Only this morning, on the news, do I see an interview with a local surgeon, saying that people should wear 2 masks. I have to remember that social media is half arguing and half parody. I suggest 10 masks. You'll be 100% protected against the Flying AIDS, largely because you can't breathe.

Have we gone way past silly by this point?

I've got it - I'll just check ThermionicEmissions

Rocket Farts in the Car

No, really... my brother somehow managed to violate physics, which shouldn't be surprising to us, but there we are. We'd go places in the car, with him in the back seat. He would let his anus do the talking and people in the front seat would smell it before he did. Science did nothing to explain this phenomenon and we were left with no choice but to open the windows, in the dead of winter. He's lucky he got to stay ride in the car.

A chemical that shouldn't be there has Science all atwitter (including Twitter). Phosphine might indicate life on Venus. It is also possible my brother farted and it was discovered on Venus before it was discovered on Earth.


Your love is like  a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the peanut butter



Dear lefty

• What will it take to have you join Faceyspaces?
• What will it take for you to have an intimate relationship with your mother? 

Russian interference in the upcoming election goes on: just yesterday, Irina said she should like to visit American sometime.

• Paddleboard lesson gets the seal of approval

Microsoft declares its underwater data center test was a success

Putin declared elections were fair in Russia.

I can only see one thing wrong: it's called Single Point of Failure. One leak and the project is all wet, so to speak.

• Fun Fact: of the world's 500 fastest supercomputers, 500 run linux.

When Nikola posted a video of its driverless truck driving, they enlisted the aid of their assistant: Mr. Gravity. Seems the truck is not entirely ready for primetime, and was shown driving rolling down a hill. The entire auto industry popped its head up and took notice, amazed that all these years, they thought the cars had to run first. For its part, Nikola said it did not lie: the clip was called "Nikola One Electric Semi Truck in Motion."

In other news, a ship with no crew is going to sail across the Atlantic.

Downhill? 

• Today's gold star for bravery goes to Alexei Navalny, the poisoned Putin critic, who will be returning to Russia.
• Godspeed, Alexei. And good luck getting life insurance.

Thought Experiment(s) 

Let's pretend Faceyspaces is a company concerned with privacy and that most people on the planet log in to share words, not private information. An American outfit, Faceyspaces has some concept of freedom of speech, although is not bound by it. As the outfit expands, it runs up against countries who do not think as highly about freedom of speech as Americans. This is where things go awry. It started with the European Union's privacy legislation. Apparently countries think they can censor the internet. Apparently they're getting away with it.

The latest is "Hate speech on Faceyspaces is pushing Ethiopa dangerously close to a genocide." First notice the use of hate speech. Hate speech, as a term, has no place in America: all speech is speech, whether or not you agree with it. Anti-freedom groups were started, an artist was assassinated, and now there are lynchings. Property is being destroyed, as if there were a Black Lives Matter protest.

If I ran Faceyspaces, I'd refuse to go into Ethiopia.

Faceyspaces already had to bend over backwards with censorship to go into China, so why bother in either country? Stay where speech is relatively free.

It's a true dilemma, to a company that cares about privacy and human lives.

Fortunately, Faceyspaces doesn't care about either in real life. In a move nobody saw coming, they're on the other side of throwing off people they didn't like.

• We have inaugurated a new financial program, here at the home of ThermionicEmissions, real life. Whenever one of us spends money, the other one is entitled to spend the same amount. While all the shoe stores in the state will feel the loss, things will be more equal. This has worked out well in the last month.
• Now all I have to do is tell her.

Happys

BB King
Kenney Jones - Faces/Who


Byes

Marc Bolan - "Bang a Gong"
Mary Travers - Peter, Paul &
Johnny Ramone - go ahead, guess...
Richard Wright - Pink Floyd
Ric Ocasek - Cars

He's right, you know...  

President Trump is banning diversity training, claiming it's divisive, anti-American propaganda. The article goes on to say why he's wrong. Why is that? The person who wrote it has a book on diversity in the workplace. Nice job, Forbes... you can't even manage a semblance of objectivity.

Late to the Party, number 237 

I finally saw an overview of Tiger King.

I have never seen Tiger King and was only aware of it as a punchline.

Hot Tap-Dancing Jesus, wa-HOO - it's got everything: a flaming homosexual, an arch-villain, a disappeared spouse, real live very large pussycats, Southern Charm, and animal rescue organizations. And ugly. It's got a whole lotta ugly. Apparently people have been postponing their Faceyspaces activities long enough to watch it. If the Russians get this program run on election night, that's all they have to do.

Yesterday it was uncomfortably hot in my office. Today it's actually cold. I should get some long pants or fire up the space heater, but I will do neither. To do either would be to admit summer is on its way out, so I'll sit and shiver. I'm a man, dammit.

• The 'safety driver' of an Uber self-driving car was charged with negligent homicide, for the death of a pedestrian in Tempe, AZ (a nice place). What was she doing when the car hit the pedestrian at 38mph? Streaming The Voice. This would be funny if there weren't a pedestrian involved - mucking foron.
• The single most important part of a self-driving car is not hitting anyone or anything. It failed. Not Ready for Prime Time. I keep saying this, but for some reason, no one does anything.

If you don't believe America's police are held up as an example to the rest of the world, a Victoria, Australia, police officer appears to stomp on a man's head during an arrest. The man had mental health issues. Now all that's left is for the police to claim he pointed a gun at them.

• Japan would like you to know that Yoshihide Suga is not a food additive: he's the new Prime Minister.

A privacy bug in Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden's official campaign app allowed anyone to look up sensitive voter information on millions of Americans, a security researcher has found.  When asked for comment, Biden said, "What's privacy?"

• Dunkin Donuts is accused of covering up the fact that hackers siphoned off customers' personal information in 2015
• Why did the Terminally Confused provide their personal information to a donut vendor?

Kim Kardashian and dozens of celebrities are freezing their Faceyspaces and Instagram accounts to protest hate speech. You can tell they're serious, because they closed their accounts... oh.... never mind.  This is a very interesting item... first Faceyspaces got rid of the alt-right. Then the general right. Then anyone performing Wrongspeak. Only now are the Worthless Class taking notice, and adding their voices to the Stop Hate for Profit campaign. Apparently Faceyspaces hasn't thrown enough people off yet. Naturally the NAACP and ADL are involved, claiming Faceyspaces is "falling short of what is necessary to protect our democracy." We call this kind of uninformed misinformation domestic terrorism, but don't insist it be pulled from the news and internet.

See what you've done, Lord Zuck?

You were doing us a 'favor' by kicking off Wrongthink groups. Now you haven't kicked off enough of the right Wrongthink groups. Or Something. And the Whining Class is now demanding you run your business their way. I hope you're feeling smug now.  Once again, Told You So.

Service Elepant Dating

Ladies and gentleman, the truest statement ever on The Flying AIDS:

One of the biggest challenges of the COVID-19 pandemic is that we simply don't know what works against the SARS-CoV-2 coronavirus.

The great thing about current Flying AIDS testing is that it can take weeks to get your results back, in which time you could have been infected or spreading the infection.


Just to make things more interesting, a California resident tested positive for the plague. Florida is working overtime to beat this- perhaps a touch of leprosy.  


Apparently fear of the Flying AIDS makes you behave differently too. SEPTA, Philly's public transport system, mostly referred to as the SEPTIC system, changed their schedule, but forgot to tell their website, where everyone goes to see their schedule. Ok, that's not different behavior.



Your love is like  wearing a mask inside the house





Told you so

Oh what a feeling: New Toyotas will upload data to AWS to help create custom insurance premiums based on driver behaviour. You do not want a connected car. If you go to buy one, insist the dealer pull the plug or you won't buy it.

Your data will go to Toyota, whoever Toyota sells data to, insurers, the dealership, emergency services, and whomever else.

and again  

The Weather Channel mobile app's operator settled a suit, wherein the users surrendered their location info for personalized forecasts and alerts, and the company sold their data. They're terribly sorry and will tell you they're selling your data in the future. Listen to me: it's bad enough you give up your location... there's even more behind the curtain. If you have any doubts, don't do it. Just assume the worst and you'll be well-warned. 

If you're looking for some trustworthy android software, check out f-droid first. It's all open source, you're not tracked, and it's very specific if it requires any information from you. It's also not Goog, which is a good thing in itself.

and again  

235 million Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube user profiles just leaked.
The info would be very handy for phishers, and is thought to have come from a company called Deep Social. Deep Social referred the query to the Hong Kong-registered Social Data, which shut down the database within 3 hours, but naturally denied any connection with Deep Social. Remember: like sexually transmitted diseases, you're not only sleeping with a partner... you're sleeping with everyone the partner slept with. This could be a data thief or a third party payment company. In this case, it's Hong Kong. Because you have an Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube account. Another way in which posting your data in public will come back to bite you in sensitive parts of your body.


and finally!

Morning people are linked with a higher risk of Alzheimer's 

When they prove exercise causes cancer, I will finally be vindicated.

Faceyspaces banned about 900 pages and groups and 1,500 ads tied to the pro-Trump conspiracy theory QAnon, part of a sweeping action that also restricted the reach of over 10,000 Instagram pages and almost 2,000 Facebook groups.
Faceyspaces is under no obligation to allow free speech or anything they don't like, however.... it's spreading to all large social media outlets, creating de-facto censorship. I don't care about QAnon - I care about freedom of ideas. If nothing else, remember that many things, including the JFK assassination, were 'conspiracy theories' at first, yet were true. Now you have to pass Twitter, Faceyspaces and social media testing to even discuss something online. Doesn't that sound a little creepy to you?


Speaking of creepy....

The US government has warned against the use of anti-drone technology by private companies and even American states, saying it could break current wiretap and hacking laws.

• Former swimmer Harry Needs (UK), came out as bisexual.
• Why?  

Dear lefty

• What's the best thing about having a blog?
• When I don't feel good, the dog fills in.

• Did you know I think you're an unqualified ass?
• Yet you come back often and continue to ask stupid questions.

In a surprise to the entire country, the Democrats nominated Joe Biden as their presidential candidate. Accepting the nomination, Joe said, "I want to thank God, Black Lives Matter, the Academy, and all the people who make papier mache goods and services available to the fine citizens of this state."

As a concerned citizen, I want to do all I can to bring people together. Society is way too divided. Let me get my Black Lives Matter t-shirt on, use my woman-owned company soap, vote for a female president, put on my Back The Blue socks and my MAGA hat, stop talking to my brother because he's pro-Trump, run someone over because they believe differently, and torch a court building for of peace. I'm going to start by blocking both sides of the freeway in the name of togetherness.

There's a movie coming out called 'Tesla,' about the man and his story.

One of his ideas was to use AC instead of Edison's DC to power the country. You had better thank Tesla: getting shocked by AC will push you away. Getting shocked by DC will hold you there.

I renew my anthropological call for answers about certain peoples with proportionally larger butts. This is an honest request as to why a disproportional number of black, latina, and other women have disproportionally large butts. People with blogs and a lot of free time on their hands ask these questions.


I say to myself, hey, let's listen to some Jimi Hendrix.
Then I say to Mrs lefty - I'd like to hear some ....  ummm.... DAMMIT!
My mother, with senile dementia, is doing this. She has a lot of trouble coming up with words at the ends of sentences. Mind you, I've been doing it longer than Mom has had her diagnosis.  You?

It's Not That I've Stopped Trying - It's That I've Stopped Succeeding

In my opinion, artists produce art because of internal issues. It drives their creativity, in an attempt to get itself out of their minds and into the light.

I have some experience here: I spent quite a while in comedy and I can tell you comics are some of the most miserable people you'd never want to meet. As a guitar player since the age of 12, I can absolutely relate to this. Playing the guitar was an escape.. it felt great. It gave me a high that nothing else could touch, including alcohol and drugs. It was therapy. To this day it remains therapy. I'm not likely to take myself out, though (and very few would consider it a tragedy), but you've seen musicians doing it way too frequently lately.


Give it some thought...

Fame just means your problems are making more money. When they become too burdensome - POOF. BOOM. Whatever.

That's my theory.
And what it is.
And whose it is too.

And now we have something we never thought we'd see: artists dying from cancer all over the place. Seriously - Gregg Allman?


Flying AIDS news

Speaking of cancer, did you know the National Institutes of Health has a financial interest in Bill Gates' Flying AIDS vaccine? Diversifying their portfolio, NIH also disclosed financial relationships with Gilead, the drugmaker introducing an expensive competitor to Hydroxychloroquine, the inexpensive anti-malarial drug (that 'doesn't work' to cure the Flying AIDS, and is banned from social media as Fake News or disinformation).

Strangely, the Flying AIDS treatment panel of the NIH has more than a few ties to drugmakers. Don't forget, whatever 'cure' emerges, the drug companies are not liable for anything.

600,000 military were falsely told they had the Flying AIDS. People who weren't even tested.



Mrs lefty is a huge Wendy Williams fan.
When I say I am not a fan, I'm being very polite. Extremely polite.
I do my best not to be exposed to Wendy, but Mrs lefty watches the show every day. Since my office is 2 floors away, I get it full volume. It's not that she listens to it LOUD, but I could hear it full volume working in someone else's house, down the block. I guess the people I need to be more upset with is Wendy's audience, of drooling sycophants who do anything she says and think she's the black female Jesus. This is ridiculous. Everybody knows that's Oprah.

To add insult to injury, Wendy was being interviewed on a different show and Mrs lefty was glued to the tv while we ate lunch. I begged and pleaded, politely, to put anything else on.... anything... old war movies.. black and white movies.... silent movies... 40 year old game shows... a station that only plays commercials.. anything. No luck. It turns out that Mrs Frankenstein doesn't look like a very nice or happy person when being interviewed. And I had to try to eat during this.

What did we learn? Wendy has a problem that causes fat ankles and she's not happy about it. And to time lunches more carefully.

I gotta run away - Judge Judy is on in 15 minutes.

Wendy O. Williams was the lead singer of the punk band The Plasmatics. Upon occasion, she'd grab a chainsaw and saw something in half. She is not related to the black Wendy Williams, mentioned earlier - she was just a lot more fun to watch.



Now that we're in the post-George Floyd world, we're going to have to make some changes, specifically to language. Our correspondent Mirriam Webster (Merriam's long lost sister), spinning in her grave, gives us some examples:

• Neil DeGrasse Tyson will now study holes with significant sucking power
• black eye: people of color have 2
• blacksmiths: erased from history as a symbol of racism
• veterinarians will no longer work on blackcock or blacksnake, nor will white women, looking for a thrill
• all pimples will be known as whiteheads, regardless of color 
• Joan Jett and the Blackhearts will perish in a 'peaceful demonstration' in Seattle.
• blackmailing is sending or delivering mail to people of color
• black is now 'that very dark shade of gray'
• whiteout will not be changed. Who cares?

Faceyspaces improved everybody's life once again, this time by adding blackface photos to the banned post list. I continue not to have an account, but it's an endless source of amusement and proof of near-fatal stupidity. Next week: a ban on photos of women who have breasts.


Joe "Huh?" Biden announced his vice presidential candidate the other day, selecting Whoopee Goldberg, because she's black, female, and has a Jewish last name. He said that with any luck, she's a lesbian too.

The president's response was that she has been very nasty, very nasty, to him and that she keeps being black on purpose.




SJW Sickness


The lastest in the Corporate SJW March is NASA, which has decided to "re-examine" how it refers to cosmic objects.

"As the scientific community works to identify and address systemic discrimination and inequality in all aspects of the field, it has become clear that certain cosmic nicknames are not only insensitive, but can be actively harmful," the agency said.

Planetary nebula NGC2392 will no longer be the Eskimo Nebula. They will also drop "Siamese Twins Galaxy". They're currently deciding whether "Those Wacky Negro Nebulas" should be changed.

Johnny, Do Not Put That in Cindy

Real Questions Department:

Why is there a lemon on the couch?



All of our dogs were black. Penny is red. She sheds like a mofo, and it shows up on everything. The vacuum is on strike, and refuses to pick up red hair, but will pick up everything else. The next door neighbor has shingles, and all I did was suggest she replace some of the shingles on my roof.....



One of our local outdoor concert venues canceled its schedule for the year.
This was quickly followed by uncanceling its schedule. I'm trying to figure out how they socially distance... 6' is about 12 concert seats, so there will only be 3 people in each row. Tedeschi Trucks is coming and shouldn't be missed.



The local news showed state police enforcing distancing regulations at downtown bars. I'm sorry, but I have to put my foot down: the staties have many more important things to do than enforce distancing. Do they even have jurisdiction? Did the female patrons appreciate their shorts?


Best Headline: Two men arrested after police officers find nothing suspicious on plane.


Strange Headline: Coronavirus: Will women have to work harder after the pandemic? Women often say they have to work harder to prove themselves than men - will Covid-19 turn back the clock for women's careers?  Will green be a different shade? Will tires still be round? Can we continue to call them black?


Remdesivir may work even better against COVID than we thought.
As we thought it didn't work, it would have to work better.
No clue.


I'm Joe Biden and I approve this message.
Well, they told me I approved it.
Did I approve it?
What message?



Good Taste: Find it Elsewhere

There is a telemedicine abortion.
No, really. The doc tells you to reach on up there and...
I'm kidding.
The doctor tells you to fall down the steps.
I'm still kidding.
The doctor prescribes a pill.



SJW Sloth

San Francisco museum curator resigns after he is accused of racism for saying he would still collect art from white men.

Captivity - Day 77 Law & Order SUV

AstraZeneca is going to start making an anti Flying AIDS vaccine. Not sure how they know what will work, but who needs facts - there's money involved. Because the giant pharmaceutical company is so poor, this vaccine is backed by Bill Gates.  Bill Gates is a war criminal. This is the man who gave us Windows. Would you trust a vaccine from him?


The Bring Your Child to Work Day thing isn't working out as well at the originators thought. In these days of The Flying AIDS, everyone's working from home anyway. So every day is Bring Your Child to Work Day. First, you cannot social distance from a cocker spaniel, nor can you put a mask on her (someone is going to get rich selling a pet mask).  My lap is a favorite place. If she can't get there, she likes to block the doorway. Some mornings I wake up to find emails have been sent to Purina, Pupperoni, and doggie escort services. I hope this is not Mrs lefty (again). The barking on conference calls is out of hand: as soon as one dog barks, all the other dogs on the call start barking. This is not necessarily a bad thing - sometimes they come up with better ideas than their humans. You also have to watch out for your snacks and, most importantly, your coffee. Over time, our 4 cocker spaniels have loved coffee. The rule is if you put it closer to the floor than your seat, it's theirs.


The Minnesota police apologized for the Floyd killing. They said there was an error in their police manual that caused a misunderstanding. The police  manual said "Handcuff the perpetrator, have him medically checked, put him in a car or van, and get him to the station." They thought it said "put your boot on his neck until he's dead." It was a simple mistake anybody could make, and they are very sorry.



One of the downsides to having absolutely no filters is that you occasionally stick your foot in it. I was practicing with my band and afterwards we saw a legal commercial for mesothelioma. Never having heard the word, I turned around to the band and said "Mesothelima? I had that for dessert last night." The bass player turned green. He whispered "Shhh.... my dad has it." For some reason, I do this a lot.


It's so good to be home after the Great Storm of 2020. I can now trip over my own stuff. The dog can bark at anything that walks by the house, and Mrs lefty can continue her intimate relationship with Quality Shopping Network at Home. When they don't hear from her for a few days, they call to see if she's ok.


The National Guard was just told not to carry guns at the DC protests.
In related news, the Air Force was just told not to fly planes.




THEY SAID WHAT?


Texas Lt Governor said the way to address racism is to "accept Jesus Christ."

• Don't listen to him. He hasn't been the same since the pig kicked him in the nuts.
• First Amendment violation - Church and State
• it's clear to anyone with a pair of kidneys that we have to accept Jimi Hendrix. He died so we could play the guitar.

A cofounder of Reddit is resigning and wants to be replaced by a black candidate.

Uber Eats is not charging for food ordered from black-owned restaurants

Joe Biden said 10 to 15% of Americans are "not very good people." Then he showed everyone his liver spots.

Captivity - Day 75 The giant octopus plays basketball

SEVENTY FIVE DAYS
And I didn't start this on day 1.

It was 60 on Monday. It will be 90 for the next few days.
Good thing we can't go out, eh?

We have advanced beyond the generic gravity day, where stuff falls down, leaps out, and nothing can be held for long, and gone right into the Tripping Stage. This is a tricky one because they can co-exist. We'll be walking along and BANG, there was something on the floor that we kicked. It wasn't there before. It's like another example of one of those ghost shows, except it's real. The object appears and we kick or trip on it. It is so regular that I kick something and say, "lefty's here!"  Much like the way you can't control what you see in your hallucinations, you can't choose what you trip over. It's usually small and not a guitar at all. It's also never a 1976 Caddy, but we might have a problem getting it out the door.

In an Irony from God moment, a Philly looter who tried to blow up an ATM, blew himself up with it. There have been other explosions at ATMs. History will know our time as Revenge of the ATMs.

Next on ThermionicNews: Target stores shoot back.

Remember the movie Arthur? He's told to give her his hand. His response is "But that would leave me with one." That runs though my head every time I hear 'take a knee.'

encrusting kleptoparasite

same thing

Wait.... do you hear that?
It's the sound of SILENCE!
Not one mower or construction noisemaker.
I hear birds - and not the ones from the medicine.
The 90 year old lady was mowing yesterday (I should be ashamed, but I can't work myself up to it)
The people down the street, who run electric tools all day and night are away on vacation. So they hired a friend's construction company to come by daily and run some equipment for the neighbors. I'm proud we have this level of neighbor. You?

I take that back (you knew it was coming) - trash trucks all day.

[to Secret Service]... Does that guy know he's black?

You've Got Your Pandemic on my Rhinocerous

Catholic priests are so upset about COVID-19....

HOW UPSET ARE THEY?

They're so upset, they're demanding clean COVID-19 tests from little boys before molesting them.

[you know you'll be telling that one at work tomorrow]



Cell Phone Stupidity

Verizon is offering a phone plan that contains a Yahoo Mail account.
Next they will offer a plan that includes an AOL account and a bag phone.

Comcast mistakenly published names, phone numbers, and addresses of nearly 200,000 customers who paid monthly fees to make their numbers unlisted.
Customers paid $3.50 to $5.50 monthly for this service. Comcast will not be satisfied until they have sucked every cent possible out of you. Then they'll find a way to get more.  This is a perfect example of a duopoly: Philly allowed only 2 cable companies to operate: Verizon and Comcast. More competition would drive prices to more reasonable levels.

• Are female urinals the answer to queues at the loos?
• What a tremendous idea... women's bladders are smaller than men's, so the lines are always longer.
• FEMALE URINALS? WTF?

Alex Jones ordered to stop selling fake coronavirus cures, by New York attorney general. Apparently generating coronavirus PANIC is ok, though. New York desperately wants to be the new California, and is working very diligently toward it. Like him or not, leave Alex alone. It truly is the responsibility of the buyer, not government. The AG referred to Jones' 'latest mistruths'.  I wonder if it's ok to sue an Attorney General for this. It's defamation, but apparently there are no statutes against that.  If nothing else, Alex is quite (inadvertently) funny. No one else would bullhorn the Bilderberg meetings.


Data of millions of eBay and Amazon shoppers exposed

To their credit, eBay and Amazon are not involved; instead it was a third party. So you're still exposed. What can you do?

• The White House told federal health agency to classify coronavirus deliberations
• Just cut it the f- out. There's always need for secrecy, but we're beyond out of hand now. We pay YOU, yet you decide what we can and can't see? Government for and by the people, not leading the country, doing what you feel like.
• If we had a real pandemic, these 'public servants' would classify that too. The people have no 'need to know.'

AT&T CEO pay rose to $32 million in 2019 while he cut 20,000 jobs

To be clear, I have no trouble with corporate salaries. I am not a socialist and don't believe these people are obligated to share their wealth. What bothers me is that he did it on the backs of those 20,000 ex-employees (most likely among other things). This is a personal opinion, and out of step with the libertarian position that it's a private company and can do what it wants. I'm am not a hypocrite: I just hold 2 differing opinions at the same time.  There was also a hedge fund involved here somewhere; it was over who was going to maintain the hedges outside the corporate offices.

• One of the reasons I like Firefox is the addons. My latest is Mouse Gesture Events. You'd be surprised (maybe you wouldn't) what you can do with just a mouse gesture.  Forward, backward, shut current page and go backward, all sorts of stuff. It's in the normal addons spot.
• Another is ColorfulTabs. The default Firefox has tabs that are all the same color. This auto-colors them so the one on top is easy to find. You can also make it use colors you prefer.
• If you're running Firefox under linux and want to use the Backspace key to go back a page, open about:config, search for browser.backspace_action, change the 2 to zero. Done. Test to make sure.

One newspaper asked if the 2020 elections could be postponed because of the virus.  No, the country would never get that lucky.

An article in the Guardian says that the virus is creating hell on OCD patients who are compulsive hand-washers. Part of the treatment is not washing their hands.  Up until recently, those antibacterial dispensers weren't for viruses: they were OCD tests.

• Everyone's favorite dictator and Wild and Crazy Guy, Vladimir Putin, signed a boatload of amendments to the Constitution (not specified whose), allowing him to run for Dictator once more. The amendment after that one had him winning the election.
• Not to be ignored, the Bernie Bros have stated that they'd rather hand Trump the presidency than vote for Biden. When the NY Post published this, they used the word 'exodus.' I thought they meant the socialists were leaving the country. Oh well.....

Everybody's favorite perv uncle, Joe Biden, forgot the year and wandered out of frame during a livestream. This man is presidential material. THIS is the Joe Biden we wanted to see while he was Vice President. It has been speculated that President Obama told the Secret Service to tie Uncle Joe to a chair for 8 years. Unless they find him with a 5 year old in a hotel, where pictures and video are already on the internet, this is the presumptive democratic nominee for president.

• Being stubborn, rigid may lower your risk of Alzheimer's.
• Hello... this is my wild card! Not only won't I get Alzheimer's, neither will my entire family. I have enough stubborn for the East Coast of the US.

EASTER

Happy Easter to those who celebrate (or care).
Although I'm not Catholic, I want you who are to enjoy whatever it is that you do.

In truth, I am part of a large, non-Catholic denomination that celebrates Easter. We are commonly known as the Holy C (candy). The malted balls are a favorite here, as well as the Reese's white chocolate candy.  As with any group, we had to split into 2: the people who dive right in, and the people who wait a day, til the candy goes on sale. Having been both, sometimes on the same day, I belong to the Sale Group. If I find myself at an Easter celebration and there's candy, I will switch over to the Dive Right In group for the day. I know, I know, religious hypocrisy. But let's face it: I'd have to want to leave the house and go to an Easter celebration for that to happen.

Since I'm not Catholic, my view of Easter is largely candy, complicated by reality. It's never fun when reality creeps into the picture. So I'm going to explain Easter to my fellow non-Catholic readers (so you'll only sound like a partial doofus at gatherings).  Warning: if you are an easily-offended Catholic, you want to stop reading right now. Solution: if you are easily-offended, you wouldn't be reading this blog, so....


Easter: Jesus comes out of his cave and looks around. If he goes back in, with a sad look on his face, we get another 6 weeks of gloomy weather (this happens regardless of Jesus where I live). If he goes jogging, it will be a good year for the crops (and thusly, Monsanto).  The final option, Jesus doing miracles, has been hoped for over 2,000 years. He will heal the sick (putting doctors and insurance companies out of work, so their lobbies got this option taken off the sheet). He will cure ailing cars (putting mechanics out of work, so they, too, got this removed from the list). Lastly, he will create peace the world over. This option proved the most difficult. This would force the Military Industrial Complex to starve, ruining entire economies, and giving millions nowhere to fight, causing worldwide starving. Jesus had no way of knowing that Peace = Starvation. Also put out were the politicians, who pretended to care about peace, and the one actually working for it. Lastly, President Trump was all set, in his third term, to create peace in the middle east, so he's Very Mad at Jesus. His only remaining satisfaction is that he's still richer than Jesus. They will go on to be great friends - the best of friends. Can I have a hand for Jesus? Jesus will be white-listed at all the presidents' golf clubs, resorts, and hotels (although I'd stay away from New York for a few years).

Stations of the Cross: this is where you guess how many gas stations will be open on Easter Sunday. This is a very complex religious game, because many stations have not set their hours yet. Exceptions: any gas station that produces its own food, like Fried Quickie Chicken. Any station run by a Sikh, and anything with an expiration date. The stations are north, south, east, and Bob.

Palm Sunday: This is where the devoted, the semi-devoted, and the people who are dragged into it by relatives, for some reason, beat each other about the head and shoulders with palms. At this point, they realized that this palm thing isn't all that bad, right?  This is also the time when the non-Catholics start to pay attention and think maybe these Catholics have a point. However, they want to modify Palm Sunday so the celebration is done at individual homes, sometimes with only 2 people, sometimes with up to 25.  Sssshhhhhhh  - the safe word is BUNNIES.

Ash Wednesday: People go to church, whereupon a person in a very silly white getup puts ashes on their forehead. The first time I saw this, I was aghast... how could people walk around with dirty foreheads for an entire day? My friends, bless them, took me aside and explained it to me. Then I became privately aghast. I have it on good authority that children sometimes celebrated this holiday in their own individual tradition: they smoked a cigarette, while writing their excuse notes for school, and put the ashes on their foreheads. This only worked once, because Catholic mothers know the difference between cigarette ashes and Proper ashes. Even modern science can't tell the difference, but MOM can. They just never asked her. Oddly enough, Jewish mothers can also tell, but nobody asked them either. The Jews think Jesus was ahead of his time: he worked at the first ever Car Wash. This gave him a lot of spare time to do miracles and stuff.

Jesus: I was really far out of the loop on Jesus, so it took quite a while to figure out this whole Father, Son, and Holy Ghost thing. You can't be 3 people.... unless.... Jesus with the first with multiple personalities! Just wait til the church starts fighting with psychology! The church will say there's no such thing as multiple personalities. Psychology will say there's no such thing as Jesus. It will be funny to watch for the first few hundred years; after that, it will get tedious.


Good Friday: The Catholics, overnight, in a quiet raid, borrowed a worldwide tradition. After an entire week of working, we celebrate by getting drunk, having sloppy sex, hugging telephone poles, eating things that don't go well with alcohol, and drinking alcohol that doesn't go well with other alcohol. Everybody looks forward to Friday. When the Catholics 'appropriated' it, they gave official standing to Friday Activities. The only thing they changed was during sloppy sex, you cannot use a condom, and you have to have sloppy sex strictly for having a baby.  Good Friday happens 52 times a year, but officially it only happens once. If you forget and use a condom in your drunken state, you must enter the Holy Closet and whip out a few bills for the poor and the PAL (Priests Alcohol Locker).  You are forgiven, and free to go out and do it again next Friday.


Super Saturday: This is a brand new (under 1,547 years) tradition that means nothing. Saturday just felt lonely, between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, thus was given its own holiday. We all have the person in the family who thinks he deserves his own holiday.... no one invites him to family parties, yet he shows up anyway.


Easter Sunday: on this day, most of the stores are closed. This is the way you can tell Catholics are serious about this holiday. Skipping ahead a few months, this is why the Jews eat Chinese food on their holidays. The Catholics have no choice but to eat at delicatessens, where they think corned beef is some dark shade of red, not brown, as Jesus decreed.


Easter Monday: when the candy sales start. Also typically when employers give their employees the day off, in celebration of Jesus the candy sales.

• According to a Vatican exorcist, one exorcism he presided over had the person levitate and stay on the ceiling for 6 hours.
• YOU - You get down off the ceiling and get exorcised, you demon from hell. This is precisely what my mother used to say to me.

Today I identify as   a missing COVID-19 test kit, going for $1950 on Ebay


Heroes of the Stupid

Utah may make it illegal for cops to masturbate in their cars.
Is there a need for this law? what about at home?



SJW Saltiness


Bulletin: It's racist to shut down travel from places that are heavily diseased.
It's racist to identify where the disease came from.


Furry hate is always just a cover for queerphobia
not when the #1 show in the nation features furries...


Tammy Bruce: Dem erasure of Tulsi Gabbard is the ultimate misogyny
Damn - I thought having a penis was the ultimate misogyny

If You've Got a Virus Up There, I'm Not Scanning for It

Let's start with some good old "hey, that's cool!"
Arcimoto is testing its electric rapid responder with a fire department
It's a 3 wheel electric vehicle. The fire company is having fun with it.  I always wanted to be a fireman, but I discovered there aren't a lot of positions for firemen who can't stand heights or when it gets too hot. Other than that, I'd be #1 on the squad.

• Huawei expects a 20% drop in phone sales, thanks to lack of Google apps
• Hell - if the hardware didn't come from China, the lack of Google apps would be a plus for everyone!

Dear Russia:
We have read many stories of alleged interference with our elections.
We have noticed a serious uptick in the number of Russian readers, for which we are thankful. IF any of you have come here to affect the next election, whoever you're getting your intel from is smoking crack again. This blog couldn't influence anyone's choice for lunch, no less an election.

I'm kidding.
Thanks for coming by.





Because of MASS PANIC over CORONAVIRUS, ridiculous steps are being taken, such as working from home. We did some research on occupations not yet endorsing work-from-home....

• pilot
• sanitation engineer
• breast lump checker
• dog
• bra fitter
• Well Heeled Oral Retention Expert.
• bus driver
• mob enforcer

• There's a reason Morning and Monday start with the same letter....

Jesse Jackson now endorses Bernie. This should cause your decision to be made, for or against.  Bernie said he'd endorse Biden, should Biden win. Reached for comment, Biden said, "The percolater's on the roof and the cardboard needs refreshing." At his last appearance, it took just over 20 seconds to start an argument about guns.

Biden extends lead over Sanders

---> in a tiny nod toward sanity, old white socialist losing ground.
---> in a nod toward Politics as Usual, old white, somewhat forgetful former VP whose former boss won't even endorse him, gains lead.


Let's step back for a moment and look at what we have here:

• on the rep side we have a president who was voted in as a protest and is the literal example of divide and conquer, even before he took office
• on the dem side, the primary field was shockingly... weird, led by a socialist.  At this point it's coming down to the socialist and the former VP, a cranky old guy who is prone to misstatements, forgetting things, and has the people skills of Kim Jong be Illin, without all that nasty self-confidence
• I weep for my country
• meanwhile, the best man for the job wears a boot on his head (and won the MA libertarian primary)

DHS claims 2020 will be the 'most secure' election in US history
Where were you when the first piece of software was a total failure?
These people couldn't secure their pocket change.

Exclusive: Critical U.S. Election Systems Have Been Left Exposed Online Despite Official Denials

“If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.”

~ General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett.

BULLETIN: Menstrual cup misuse can cause pelvic organ prolapse

I have questions....
WHAT is a menstrual cup?
Can you drink coffee from it?
Do you wear it on your head?
Why does it look like the front half of a condom?
How do you know if you're misusing it?

WARNING: we hope the veracity of this article is not tainted by a country that sends people to the gynaecologist.

• 10 actors you forgot guest-starred on Deadwood
• hint: Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons

Today I identify as   a menstrual cup

• There are many kinds of fish, but 2% are mouthbreeders: they keep their fertilized eggs in their mouth
• ThermionicEmissions would never stoop to under-water blowjob jokes 

Each generation has its own cross to bear. The current one is "Life and struggle after YouTube fame".  As you giggle, remember this is called schadenfraude (joy in the misery of others).




CONTINUED CORONAVIRUS PANIC

People who can't spell their middle name have suddenly memorized COVID-19.

More BBC news: Health Minister Nadine Dorries tests positive for coronavirus.
Also: Iran's health minister tests positive for coronavirus
You can't make this stuff up....

US health insurers will cover costs of COVID-19 testing and treatment.

Coronavirus grows up: officially a pandemic!
PPPAAANNNNNIICCCC!

• One of the things my father will be remembered for was his love of Coast to Coast radio, with George Noory.  He called him Nardi. No one knows why.

Some people make the same mistakes over and over again, without noticing.
Some notice. Some insist on replicating the mistakes over and over again. As far as going to IHOP, I'm in the latter category. My mom likes it there and they're very consistent from restaurant to restaurant. Well, the food is rather consistent - the noise isn't.

Last time I asked for the No Screaming Children section and they sat me 3 feet away from a real screamer. This time there were about 4 tables full and an empty restaurant. We were roundly ignored til the cook took pity on us and found us a table.

Within minutes the table next to us broke out into bawling children.
Minutes later, the table on the other side went NUCLEAR, with the little gentleman screaming his fool head off at the top of his precious little lungs. His mother was practicing a new style of parenting... she simply ignored the Duke of Decibels and continued to give her order as if he weren't there screaming so loudly that the IHOP in the next town asked him to turn it down.

This gorgeous little man (I think - I can't tell by screams alone) continued to try outdoing the volume and ferocity of his previous outburst. Mom was quite consistent in her parenting: she consistently did not shut the child down. That took effort. And balls.

My mother, half deaf, kept jumping in her seat, as Bob Marley's Wailer exploded in shriekdom. At one point he was doing a story he wrote, with Spiderman and Batgirl in it, playing both parts simultaneously.

Four hours later, we noticed the side order of pancakes never appeared, so they brought it by, because they're nice that way.

As we can no longer stand the children and didn't bring hearing protection, we got ready to leave. At this point, the prime instigator kept leaping up, looking at my mother, then hiding. Much to our surprise, his mother's training program fell apart and she scolded him for jumping up. She did not say a word while Young Pavoratti serenaded several restaurants and blew out untold numbers of eardrums, but he could not be allowed to jump up in his seat.

My mother was aghast as we left. Her kids put her through hell, but only when they were teens. I hear stories that we were perfectly behaved when we went out. As you can tell, we got worse as we grew up. It's at times like these that I'm thankful for dogs. And maybe impotence.




Heroes of the Stupid

Florida seventh grader sends 41 to hospital when he mistakes pepper spray for body spray.

Swimming up the Mountain

Millions of Americans' medical images and data available on the internet.
Know why? Some aren't passworded, some aren't passworded well. What did I say about Electronic Health Records (EHR)? I said they would wind up in the wrong hands. It has wound up in the wrong hands: doctors and EHR companies.

Those 'smart' tvs... are sending private data to Netflix and Faceyspaces.

Two widely used ad-blocker extensions for Chrome caught in ad fraud. This also includes other browsers based on Chrome, like Opera and Vivaldi. The extensions are lookalikes to AdBlock and uBlock. Check to see if you're using them.

Twitter inadvertently shared users data with advertisers without consent. Fine them appropriately.

Google 'really sorry' for humans listening to your conversations. Stopped program. Started it again. Feel safer now?

Among the top 10 most surveilled cities in the world, are 8 in China, plus London and Atlanta, GA. This is based on the number of CCTV cameras per 1,000 people.

Group sex app leaks locations, pics and personal details. Identifies users in White House and Supreme Court 

RIP Jon (81)

• Ya know what I'm gonna do? Nothing. As little as possible.

Sometimes when I'm bored, I use the tools provided me... I converse with my phone. It says stuff and I say stuff back to it. When I leave the house, it tells me I'm leaving and says hi to the wife. This is no fun, except when I'm leaving.  More fun is when I come home. It says, "Welcome Home. Microsoft sucks." Hey, I didn't do it - it just popped up one day.  After a year, it's still funny, especially if you're a guest who's never heard it before.

When it's very quiet and I'm working or relaxing, it says I'M FULLY CHARGED, which tends to scare the shit out of me. I told it I was only half charged today. A couple of hours later, it said CHARGE ME NOW. I agreed - I could use one.

When I got home, it said YOU'RE UGLY. I told the phone it was uglier. It was the best I could come up with, as I really didn't program that phrase into it.  It waited another hour, then said YOU CAN'T SING. Wow.. it comes up with new phrases and some of them are damn correct. You don't think it's been watching... nah. I told the phone it couldn't keep time.

YOU COULD LOSE A FEW POUNDS, CHUBBS.
You could use a faster clock speed, Molasses.
Ok, this stopped being funny right after Microsoft sucks.

WHAT YOU DO IN THE SHOWER ISN'T NATURAL.
Said the thing that sits on the sink and watches.
Ok, maybe I'm getting a rhythm here.

KNOW THAT VIDEO YOU WERE WATCHING? THAT WASN'T A GIRL.
Your screen is tiny. Other phones laugh at it.

YOU'LL NEVER COMPLETE A CALL AGAIN.
And that's different how?

Needless to say, I'm going phone shopping tonight.

• The Navy claims 3 UFO videos are real.
• ..meaning the craft are unidentified and the videos aren't faked
• ..meaning there's a craft there, but not necessarily aliens

If I was president, my first executive order would be to remove the child support system.

If you get knocked up by a deadbeat that's poor vagina management and you should be forced to live with that.  [@hotepjesus]



Dear lefty

• What is the secret to life?
• If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore, would it?
• Ok, it's diving into unfilled swimming pools.

So that Storm Area 51 thing didn't (or did) go as planned: few showed, fewer stormed. It's a shame we don't storm the IRS by all refusing to pay taxes.

Everyone knows they're at Wright Patterson (except for the 1-2 million who signed on at Faceyspaces). Fortunately no one died.

• America's mayor, Bill de Blasio, has dropped out of the race for Democratic presidential nominee. He wants to devote all his time to making New York residents as miserable as possible.

The world's first Vagina Museum will open in London, in Camden Market.
This is a gross violation of law!
Because Camden, NJ is much closer to me.

• Inmates at an Ohio prison built computers, hid them in the ceiling, and connected them to the prison network. Read the story - it's hysterical.   Medium-security = no security, apparently.

Today I identify as a distributor cap from a 1974 Datsun. A red one.



Yeah, I trip over absolutely anything. But this morning, when picking up a fork, I caught a large, heavy mug as it jumped at the floor, so I'm one up today. I no longer ask why picking up a fork has anything to do with mugs trying to commit suicide.



No thank you, I'd rather play a memory game with Joe Biden on my team





Heroes of the Stupud

Our public utilities are on the internet, some unprotected from the public. The other day someone found the controller for a lake's plumbing, not passworded.  We know this isn't the only one. There's electricity generators, grids, water, etc.  It is absolutely no surprise there are hackers and these utilities need to protect themselves from damage (including foreign damage). Considering cyber warfare...

Elizabeth Warren says the rich must pay her 'wealth tax' because they've benefitted from public schools and infrastructure.


SJW Entertainment

New York mayor De Blasio's plan is: art and cultural institutions with predominately white workers that refuse to change their ways risk losing up to 10 percent of city funding. These nonprofits now receive a total $117.2 million in taxpayer cash.     Yes, folks, hire minorities or lose.

Vice magazine: Banning flavored vapes might be good for teens. It also might be racist.

Speaking of Candidate Biden:  Male convicts that identify as female will be housed with women. "In prison the determination should be that your sexual identity is defined by what you say it is not what in fact the prison says it is."  Yep, I definitely identify as female. Now house me with the women!

Headline: 'My girl became the youngest trans toddler.. at just three years of age'
Oh yeah? I knew at birth my baby was trans.

Existence is Futile [Borg updated]

Hey, how bout those Teslas..  The Teslas that every owner just got locked out of, with an "Unknown Error."  Customer Service lines are melting. Nobody knows. Unless you have the key card and fob, you're fsckd.

YouTube will be fined up to $200 million over COPPA investigation.
Staff in an uproar - that's the weekly toilet paper budget for the Executive 
Lavatory.

In a race with the government and Google for most evil, Faceyspaces now has facial recognition for all users. Fuck yourself with a molten ingot.

Headline: Yahoo email users logged in to discover email was broken.
Real Headline: People use Yahoo email.

Google's spellcheck for bloggers is broken. Please excuse any errors (I read the first word or two of every other paragraph, so I'm not much help).


A mid 1800s (People's Republic of) California law criminalized able-bodied people not helping the police when requested. The governor struck down the law.  This goes nicely with the other governor who governed that no one should assist ICE in their sanctuary city. I'm trying to get our governor to decriminalize bank robbing and online bank hacking. And those really interesting adult businesses on the edge of town....

A different governor noted that hurricanes and fires are getting worse, but he's happy with what his party's doing (D - DisneyWorld).  The next presidential debate will note this climate change and officially blame Trump.

• Hurricane Dorian hit Florida. Both were moving at 8mph.

Dear lefty

• What's today's gripe?
• Those guys I hired apparently didn't 'modify' your brake cable

Lefty guitarists, this is your once in a lifetime chance!
For only $399, you can buy a PRS Private Stock.... case.  I love ebay.

• The brave protesters in Hong Kong have won: the extradition bill has been withdrawn. They fought for freedom, using American inspiration and slogans. We fight for more kitty picture on Faceyspaces.

Major automakers have agreed to equip nearly all US vehicles with systems to remind motorists of passengers in the back seat, in an effort to avoid deaths of young children left behind in hot cars.  Congress never met a topic they couldn't 'fix' with legislation. How long til it alerts the authorities?

• Joe Biden had a press op at a Dairy Queen. He ordered a Whopper.

• Seth Ator, the man accused of killing 7 people in Texas, was already barred from purchasing firearms due to mental disability.
• He had also been calling police and the FBI for years, leaving incoherent messages. It's almost as if they weren't doing anything on purpose....

No thank you, I'd rather pull bugs out of my cereal

• Best Tweet: If you think an AR-15 is too dangerous, you should check out the MK-Ultra.  @beinlibertarian

I think one of my credit cards is having a good time at my expense.
They send me ridiculous emails every day, with some magic offers, none of which are relevant, and none I want to receive. To make matters worse, they put stupid little graphics on the subject line. That alone merits punishment. Nobody puts emojis or whatever the hell they are in my email program.

So I showed them. Last week I went to their site and opted out from all their ridiculous emails. Then they showed me, by emailing garbage, as if I hadn't opted out. This morning, furious at the invasion of my mailbox (yes, before I took my meds), I went BACK to the site and again opted out of everything. HA!

When I got back from that, there was another email in my inbox. With an emoji. They have one week to fix this, before I have them strung up for spamming their customers. I will also have their pets adopted out to other families, and replaced with ostriches. Their blenders will all fail, and they'll have nothing but hand mixers. And their internet will all be G-rated. Do not mess with me.

• 20 members of Boris Johnson's Conservative party have voted against him to prevent the UK from leaving the EU without a plan in place. They want a swimming pool.
• Boris' plan to suspend UK Parliament ahead of Brexit is lawful, a judge in Scotland ruled.  Emboldened by the news, Boris will be firing all of his opponents.

Coworker Follies

ME: can you find the Bob List?
HIM: what's a Bob list?
ME: a list with 'Bob' in it. I'm assured it exists.
(5 minutes later)
HIM: found it. Would you like a screenshot or should I share my screen?
ME: (starting to shake head violently) Just tell me where it is, please.
HIM: it's in the Jimmy Box - go here, ask it for everything, and there you go.
ME: How does asking for everything give you the Bob List?
HIM: Ummm.. it just does.
ME: (looks, yells, removes paint from walls) Ok, send me the screenshot.
HIM: Here you go.
ME: Thank you. Now where on this screenshot is the word 'Bob'.
HIM: No, there's no Bob on that list.
ME: THEN WHEN DID I SPEND THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF MY LIFE WITH YOU 'finding' SOMETHING that doesn't show WHAT I ASKED FOR?

At least he's consistent... he consistently aggravates me by consistently answering questions incorrectly.

One hour later....

HIM: Hey - I found the Bob List! It's here. I can get to it.
ME: do you plan on sharing it with me or did you just want me to know you found it?
HIM: It's easy.
ME: I remain in a waiting state. (eyeballs banging into each other)
HIM: hit the arrow button on the top left, next to the logo.
ME: pretty neat - let me give it a shot
ME: (searches around, cannot find an arrow) Ummm sorry, I don't have an arrow
HIM: I'm 5 steps ahead of you. I sent you a screenshot. (nothing if not disorganized).
ME: the arrow up top
HIM: yes!
ME: on the screenshot, you circled the arrow button up top... the BACK button on the browser.
HIM: Yup - it worked.
ME: You're telling me to hit the BACK button to make the Bob List come up.
HIM: Yes!
ME: We used to get vaccines so we didn't have people like you.
(5 minutes later)
HIM: I can't repeat this reliably.


Work is fun... we have these surveys... we are encouraged to fill them out. I enjoy filling out surveys, in the way I enjoy getting getting checked for.. whatever it is they're checking for when the doc puts his finger up your butt. This is made easier by the surveys being voluntary and anonymous. Yup, 100% voluntary. Right up til they notice I haven't filled it in and they contact my boss. Please do not deluge me with requests for job applications.

• The dog has been quiet all morning, in her yard. This is odd. If she barks, she comes inside, so as not to annoy the neighbors.
• Hours later, I go to the bathroom and have a seat.
• BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

Heroes of the Stupid

My behavior in bed is atrocious. Stop - this is G-rated.
According to a reliable source, who isn't the dog, I am quite entertaining. I start with Mattress Dancing, where I twitch, jump, and roll. When the warmup is done, I get to the main show: laughing, cursing, crying, and punching. I am horrified that I punched my wife.  When I wake up, I'm given a review of my performance: "I'll give it two fists, Bob."

No matter when or how I call my wife on the phone, I don't get through. If I text, she texts back, forgetting that it takes from an hour to 3 days for it to reach me. When I mention this, she says "Ida know..."  Reflecting on this, maybe the phone and the punching are subconscious.



SJW Stunts


Kansas university faculty wants Chik-fil-A banned from campus for fears of 'safety' and 'mental well being'. They believe the chain violates "safety and inclusion"  When do these people have time to teach?  Oh.

Council member says cleaning feces off Seattle streets with a power washer is racist.  It's getting worse when these headlines go under SJW and Stupid.

Porsche is making a leather-free version of its new Taycan electric sports car in the latest attempt by a German automaker to play up green credentials as environmental activists lobby for a boycott of the industry.  Then all the SJWs will buy a Porsche!

Well, mine is...

Are You Left Handed or Backwards?

Mercedes UK admits spying on drivers with tracking devices. Your location is not a secret on new or used cars. The government is outraged because only they should be able to spy on citizens. Is this happening in America too? Check what you're signing.

Lincoln is introducing Phone-As A Key, where you download an app to unlock your car (android or other). You're tracked here too because the app sends the data up the line every time you use it (and probably when you're not using it).

Faceyspaces gives everyone a 'clear history tool' that doesn't clear anything. 
Still logging in? 400+ million users' data on the loose. Still logging in?

Over a third of firms have suffered a cloud attack.
Once again, I have been proven correct.
If you can't touch your data, it's no longer yours.




Boris Johnson, the UK's new PM (PDQ), said he appreciates Donald Trump's kind words, but promised that he wouldn't say anything nice about Trump if Trump doesn't say anything nice about him. A Trump endorsement makes it even harder to get anything done.

• Denmark's PM said that Greenland is not for sale. She recommended the US take a look at China.

Dear lefty

• Why are you so nasty all the time?
• Because I hate you.

Angela Merkel (D-Germany) is being hauled into world court to explain why she deliberately uses a hard G in Angela.

Boris Johnson went to meet Angela Merkel as his first visit out of state. Boris took some remedial German classes in preparation, but couldn't make all the classes. As a result, here are a few things he said to Merkel

Good evening. Your mother is a fire truck.
About this Brexit thing.... God, you're ugly.
Germany holds a special place in my spleen.
Terrible thing about those Jews, isn't it?
Don't mention the war. Did I say that out loud?

• England will never be taken seriously until it stops saying conTROVerSEE and SHED-ule.

No thank you, I'd rather vacation in Jeffrey Epstein's jail cell.

Speaking of Epstein's cell, his former cellmate is being politely requested not to talk about a single thing that goes on in prison. Lest he get transferred to that cell.

• Having a bad day? A man burying his wife, a victim of the El Paso shooting, had his SUV stolen at the funeral.  Stop complaining.

I bought an ergonomic mouse, forever answering the question 'can I get a left handed mouse?' If you take a regular mouse and pick one side up to about 45 degrees, it looks like that. I really like the device and recommend it. It even has backspace and forward buttons for browsing. Since it's tall, I always knock it over with my hand.

Related: know how it's difficult to grab the tiny perimeter of a window to resize it? I have a hard time NOT grabbing it. It's like magic. Evil magic.



OXYMORONS

• Faceyspaces Privacy Officer
• Congressional Ethics
• Microsoft Security Engineer
• MTV Rocks

Work is fun and I'm learning all sorts of Stuff.
Stuff like being security conscious but using Chrome and Internet Explorer is ok. Internet Explorer is a Hall of Horrors. Whenever I use it, I remember why I not only hate it, but why I use ad blockers on my real browsers: it's the only time I see ads. So this is what PTSD means....

As with all jobs, there are meetings. I have tried with all my might to avoid meetings, without success. Even bad behavior hasn't helped.... when I try, I find out the others are trying harder than me (and succeeding). It's a competition to keep up. My behavior is actually encouraged. I tried feigning incompetence, but this also failed, as most of my coworkers are genuinely incompetent. I also tried Tourette's Syndrome, randomly blurting out curses, but no one could tell it from my regular outbursts. I tried an earring through my eyebrow, but the boss has a 6" bone through his nose.  I even tried explosives, but one coworker laughed and said, "You call that an explosive," then showed me his desk drawer. I even claimed I'm second shift (where literally nothing gets done) but no one heard me because they were off doing nothing of their own.

This will challenge all my creativity but I'm up for it.


Speaking of work, I had to put in a trouble ticket for some broken software.
My department must get to our issues in 24 hours...  to this day, we're not sure if Helpdesk is obligated to even look at their tickets. Since this was a fairly important request, they got back to me within a few weeks. I got asked if I'm still having that software problem. Well, I'd say so, as I can't fix it myself. You know, that's why I put in the ticket. Software doesn't spontaneously repair itself.

Oh.

He goes away a couple of times, without informing me he's working in the issue. I'm staring at the screen, waiting for something magical to happen. Fortunately there was no extensive breath-holding going on. I gave up and went back to my own job, where I get to all issues within an hour. A few disappearances later he informs me of what's wrong.  Well, that's nice. Then he disappears again. Where do these people go? When he eventually gets back, it's Fixed!

He has this whole dance down to a science. No one ever complains because, like their doctor, they're just happy to see him.

Now he'll tell his boss he spent 4 hours with some idiot who broke his machine, so that's why he got nothing done this week.

Oops, the fix was less that perfect, in that it didn't work at all, much like Congress. I'm sure someone will get back to me. In a month or two.




A girl was found bound and gagged in a car on a California freeway. The family said they were taking her to drug rehab. Turns out they were taking her to a Taylor Swift concert. It was for her own good.

There's a commercial on in the background and I notice the jingle sounds perfectly vapid and perfect for a commercial. Then I find out it's not a commercial - it's Taylor Swift. This is only the second song of hers I've heard, but my first instinct is RUN. She seems like such a nice person, though.

• Porn Industry Worried Association with White House May Tarnish Its Image.

Heroes of the Stupid

Fearing they could be overwhelmed with visitors, officials in the remote Nevada county that’s home to the Area 51 military base have drafted an emergency declaration and a plan to team resources with neighboring counties and the state ahead of events tied to the “Storm Area 51” internet drive. The entire storm will peter out when they find out cell service just crashed and they can't livestream to Faceyspaces.


If you play touch football at Lamar High School in Arlington, Texas, things just got safer: you are now required to wear a helmet.


Best headline: Joe Biden's brain surgeon is defending Joe Biden's brain.
He plans to install it after the election.


I just saw a message from someone using Microsoft Outlook for Android.
A virus you have to install manually.



SJW Stupidity

San Francisco board rebrands 'convicted felon' as 'justice-involved person'.
Richard Ramirez, 'the Nightstalker,' is now 'serially female-involved'.





History will look back on us and get a neck sprain from shaking its head vigorously.    - lefty

Some things never go out of style