Don't Fart in Church - it Keeps Me Awake

Here's a smartphone app to detect credit card skimmers on ATMs and gas stations.

And you told me there was no such thing as a butt plug hacker.

If you have an iDevice, you may be infected. I'm not kidding.

Do you use Chrome browser? A neato bug is causing a fix to be rushed.
This raises many questions: which browsers are also affected because they're Chrome-based? Chrome is based on the open-source Chromiun, which is probably affected. Many popular browsers are built on Chrome. Don't use Chrome - it's a goog product



BREAKING: President Trump wants to buy Greenland.
I have to question the intelligence behind this.. can't we buy a country with a decent climate?

We're at least 22 trillion in debt; why are we talking about buying a country?
I'll tell you why...


Top 10 Reasons to Buy Greenland

1. Because it's there
2. Asked how he found America, John Lennon said, "Just turn left at Greenland." Imagine how much easier it would be now.
3. How about those Kardashians?
4. Keep the military home from Afghanistan fresh - they can just take it.
5. We can change its name to Booger.
6. Send California there.
7. It's half the cost of Iceland per square foot.
8. Even the trade imbalance with Denmark. (Denmark owns Greenland)
9. Zero Population Growth - who wants to do it where the temperature never goes above 50 degrees (17 grams centigrade)?
10. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• It all comes down to cocktail or tartar sauce on seafood.

Up to 10% of Texas drivers are uninsured or underinsured.
Philly: Don't be a pussy - we're at 50% on a good day.

Pennsylvania ranked 18th on the top friendliest states.
Its neighbor, New York, ranked last. Very close was its other neighbor, New Jersey.  Imagine if they ranked cities.... Camden, Manhattan, North Philly (scene of the recent shooting).

• Every now and then I find a particularly interesting piece. The parrots want to tell us something. The ones that aren't dead parrots, of course.

This study shows handler beliefs affect scent detection dog outcomes.
Now explain that to the policeman.

• Here's a little light reading on the CIA mind control experiments. Yes, the Manchurian Candidate is non-fiction.

When you see an airplane on tv, how can you tell it's a commercial?
The people look comfortable and the refreshment trolley takes up less than half the aisle.





The British are a Riot

Insipred by the riots in Hong Kong, the British have decided to take up rioting (on a limited basis, if that's ok).

They urge caution, so most will be protesting at home. Some of the more brave Britons will protest online. The bravest promise to leave their homes, slowly, but can't agree on a suitable venue to air their grievances. The riot had to be postponed four times, because of a series of meetings to figure out what their grievances ARE.

The novice rioters are urged to start with small steps, such as grumbling in public. The more intrepid rioters are going to get Really Serious, with a series of strongly worded emails. If you are leaving your house for the riot, practice in small increments: take two steps, say, "We just cannot have that sort of thing here," then run back inside. You will be ready for full revolt in only a few years' time.

The brave rioters staying home are urged to march in step with the people actually attending the riot (both of them). The riot will be televised, but you're out of luck if you haven't paid your licence fees.

The grievance committee also has to approve signs for the rioters. Suggestions thus far run the gamut from "Oi" to "Man United or Death!" to "I am strongly against this sort of thing." The political subcommittee has also approved "Fuck Trump" signs. Although there is no specific relevance, it has become fashionable to carry them. The Boris Balloon has been rejected because the Chinese are too busy rioting to complete it on time.

The largest hurdle facing the Brits is that they have to be taught how to riot. History shows they're not very good at it, unless there's an interruption in the flow of tea or Eastenders. When advised rioting includes things like not showering, being rude, and flouting authority, the grievance committee decided on a more nuanced approach: postponing the riot indefinitely and holding more meetings.

• Police in England carry a device that lets them check if car windows are tinted too darkly.  From tinted windows to people saying bad words, you're protected.

Headline: A man suspected of planning an ISIS-style knife attack in New York is in jail today, courtesy of the FBI.

Real Story: some incompetent boob was nurtured and encouraged by the FBI, then 'caught' right before committing the act.  This happens so many times, your first instinct when you hear FBI should be 'they set up another one.'




Heroes of the Stupid

Lindsey Graham is advocating for a peace deal in Afghanistan.
Yay!
His only prerequisite is that US troops are allowed to continue fighting.
Ummm....


A South African bank says that password managers play a useful role but cautions against the use of them for your bank account.

'Hundreds of thousands' of users are still using compromised passwords - worse still, they're using those same passwords for multiple different sites.


Jed Foster (20) is in court for the murder of policeman Andrew Harper. He says he's not guilty - he wasn't even there. He did not drag the policeman under the car.  The policeman was not married for only 10 months. Foster wasn't even in the country on that date. In fact, he was on the moon on whatever date he allegedly killed someone. He couldn't have been there because he denies being born. This should be an interesting trial.


Elizabeth Warren gave a speech in front of Native Americans, where she apologized for claiming she was part Native American. She is actually African American.




SJW Situations

[Twitter @PaulLeeTicks]
As much as a monster as Ted Bundy was, just keep this in mind: Ted Bundy killed 30 people, over a span of 4 years. Whereas Donald Trump is responsible for the mass murder of 31 people - in just one weekend.

I'm a little bit country... and she's a little bit rock and roll...

You Suffer for My Art

If you have an iDevice, you can install Whiplr, which describes itself as "Messenger with kinks," or messenger for people with less than mainstream sexual practices. They ask for your password in unencrypted email. Oops. Just to make their users feel better, Whiplr stores all this information in plain text, for any hacker or employee who cares to have a peek. So unless you want those pictures of you in the rubber outfit with the gas mask and the miniature horse to become public, you should delete your account and messenge somewhere else.

• I have no idea how this was determined, but 1 in 5 employees share their email passwords with coworkers. Don't do this. Ever. Ask your IT department for another way to do whatever you're trying to do.

The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine have honored me by agreeing with my point that the US needs to go back to paper ballots. It took long enough, but we're finally in agreement.

• My good friends at Microsoft has decided they will offer support for Windows 7 for another three years, to help slow-moving corporations downgrade to Windows 10. And it's going to cost. For some unknown reason, my IP address has been blacklisted.

I just saw a show that introduced Randy Cramer, who claims he was recruited for a US Secret Space Program. If nothing else, this is interesting short science fiction, especially the depiction of our presence on Mars. I make no claims other than it's fun reading.

• Smart Outlets, no, really. One specific brand has a fault that will allow hackers to assume control of it and sneak into your network. Smart is Dumb.
• Artificial Intelligence will officially be here when your smart stove communicates with your smart microwave and both go on strike for higher voltage.

The times, they are a-changing. We live in the future! 

Someone just invented a Bluetooth salt shaker (although no one knows why). It 'enhances' your dining experience. Sorry, I just eat.. I don't have experiences. What could a Bluetooth salt shaker (the Smalt) do?  Play music from your phone, a color changing ring of lights, and.... get ready... it contains actual salt! Yes, we live in the future. If only the people who marveled at the tv wristwatch were alive to see this.

• The Planet of California, rapidly taking over for France in the World Derision Sweepstakes, has introduced the first legislation on connected devices. Although weak, it is the first of its kind in the US. It mandates information security and eliminates default passwords.
• Congress has proposed two bills on IoT devices, both designed to put together studies on devices. Yes, we're going to make everything safe for you, by putting together a select panel of people, who have absolutely no clue about the internet or IoT, to study the matter. Rapid Response, courtesy of your elected representatives (of the War State).

The European Court of Human Rights ruled that bulk interception of communications data and the obtaining of data from comms service providers violated Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights: the right to respect for private and family life/communications.

This is wonderful support for rights.
Meanwhile, the GCHQ and NSA are laughing so hard, there are tears in their eyes. I received confirmed information that at least two of them peed in their pants. Please do not repeat this.

• It's not often I find myself on Apple's side, but they have been harshly criticized for designing iPhones too big for women's hands. Campaigners were 'furious' over Apple discontinuing the SE; the smallest phone. 
• The average woman's hand is an inch narrower than an average man's hand. The campaigners have a lawsuit pending against God, claiming sexism, but as of this point, they have been unable to locate the defendant to serve the summons.
• The campaigners are fighting a war on several fronts, also with Women of Size, who are ok with the new phones; and Women of Sense, who think women are absolutely equal in every way and oppose special accommodations.

6G, the phone protocol so new, people don't even speak its name, will provide terabits per second speeds. Meanwhile, we wait for 5G, which promises faster speeds, but runs at the same shitty 4G and 3G speeds, depending upon which foot you're standing on with the most pressure.

• You know me - equality. So there's this washing machine detergent commercial featuring the dad talking about how dirty his daughter's princess dress gets and how he washes it. I don't really care that stay at home dads are represented.. I just can't help but think of all sorts of names for this guy, none of which you can say on tv.

Not An Original Thought Left in Hollywood, Part 453

There is a remake of Overboard, the Goldie Hawn-Kurt Russell movie, where she develops amnesia and he hoodwinks her into being a mom and wife. The world was crying out for a remake and Hollywood delivered! The new movie, cleverly called Overboard, features a man with amnesia this time (see - they're original) and blonde Anna Faris as the hoodwinker. Can't we stop this before we're up to third generation remakes?

Men are demanding parity, seeking a remake of The Sound of Music, with a man in the role of Julie Andrews.

Grocery Shopping

I used to joke about things being personal, like rain. Most of it stopped, but it looks like the grocery store never got the memo. Last week, nothing I put on the list was available or reachable: bagels, fresh cookies, Bit O'Plague, bullets...

Wife just returned from the store. Did you know you can't purchase yogurt with fat? Everything's low fat, low sugar, low taste, low actual yogurt. My fresh chocolate chip cookies were the only container left, buried under 400 pumpkin spice containers. Later this week, CostCo is having a sale on pumpkin spice tires.  They stopped carrying my coffee creamer entirely. WTF is salted caramel? Whose brilliant idea was it to salt caramel? Isn't salt bad for you? Let's add anthrax to chocolate, shall we? Do they not understand how sacred our coffee is? Maybe blueberry cream is delicious - I don't care and I'm not letting it get within 3 miles of my coffee cup.

Are You Ready for This? nah

How to keep your passwords safe, from F-Secure. Good tips here.

• The results of a survey on Americans' feelings about ISPs sharing their data without consent are in: they overwhelmingly don't like it.  Every now and then I fall into the majority.  Also, Americans don't like to swim in a moat with piranha.

Heh heh... Burger King, home of the absolutely creepiest mascot ever, is now running a commercial that intentionally sets off voice assistants. It's bad enough that Amazon and Google are listening to your conversations - now the ad people are having some fun with them. Makes me want to run out and buy a few. In my semi-professional opinion, don't. I'll bet that comes as a surprise to you.

• Our condolences to the Murphy family on the death of Charlie Murphy. Charlie was Eddie's brother, in the comedy business for close to thirty years. He died from leukemia. Eddie Murphy had a brother who was in comedy and we had no idea. This will not change, as I will not start watching tv.

There is nothing quite like the feeling of turning the Wendy show off.

• I can't stress this enough: back up your data. I don't even need to tell you why. The article mentions ways to do this, from an external hard drive to online services.  While I don't use online services, they may be the easiest way to protect your data. They can be set up to automatically back up to The Cloud, so there's no effort involved after setup. If you're going to back up to a hard drive, consider another hard drive or take the first hard drive and store it somewhere outside of your house, like a friend or relative's house or safety deposit box. Data is important - treat it as such.

Speaking of watching tv, I haven't abstained totally. Get your downloading shoes on and go get Kodi. Kodi is a perfectly legal media center, meaning it will host and play any sort of media you have (movies, tv, songs, etc). It is available on all platforms, including android and iPhone.  Once installed, you can add download repositories, from which you can watch tv shows, movies, and whatever else. You can watch some live tv, as well as on-demand. This is one of the ways people are cutting their cable tv bill or cutting cable altogether. There are plenty of guides as to how to install and customize the software, although installing is the same as installing any other program.  It is very light, not requiring a lot of storage or horsepower (I can run it on my phone).

Particularly recommended are Lucifer, Lethal Weapon, Chicago Medical, and Britcoms, such as Mrs Brown's Boys, Black Books, and Outnumbered. If you're looking for some ancient movie or tv show, odds are you will find it. I found several from my childhood (no jokes please). Mrs leftystrat found horror movies from waaaaaaay back, as well as some Grade Z recent movies and current runs. Enjoy.

• I think it is safe to say that morning is not my friend.

Marshall update: He's been sleeping downstairs, as climbing the steps is all but impossible with the Cone of Shame.  I decided to keep him occupied by sleeping on the couch (no marriage jokes, please). Two hours into this arrangement, he apparently decided it wasn't working out and went up the steps by himself. Alrighty then.

Heading to the bedroom, where the sleeping is always better, I found him, up on the bed, for the first time in quite a while! This was cause for quiet celebration. He slept the entire night touching me, with no meds. Robin's minstrel's cheered.

Meanwhile, the wife, who decided to keep him company downstairs, saw nothing of him. She was rewarded by not having to sleep next to either of us.

When morning came, he was on the couch, physically attached to me, in the way of anything I chose to do. Sounds like progress!

And his first followup visit with the surgeon went well. They said his recovery was better than they expected.

• It's Good Friday. This is closely followed by Great Saturday and Super Sunday. This is all leading up to a very important day: sales on candy. Or so I'm told.

Every now and then something comes along to make me re-evaluate how I view life; over the weekend I had one. I watched someone take a ride on a rather large two-wheeled conveyance. I am perfectly secure in vehicles, provided they have at least four wheels, so that wasn't an option for me, no matter how much the owner snickered after offering.

The lady returns from the ride and asks her friend if her eyelash is on - it might have blown off. STOP. Eylash? Oh c'mon... fake eyelashes are for pictures and porn. I don't often hear references to eyelashes literally going with the wind.  In the theoretical and mechanical sense, this is something to ponder. Let's add another variable: she has a newborn. I hear they're a handful. Bless her, she's raising a baby and still manages to put fake eyelashes on. I'll be honest, she looks great and no one can tell she had a baby, aside from the obvious.

Which brings me to another eyelash-related happening. My lovely wife sat next to me and subtly indicated I should notice something. When I say subtly, I mean she pointed at her eye and fluttered it like some sort of REM sleep disorder disaster. I knew this was going to be do-or-die, in the marital sense of the word, so I looked closely. Yes, she had applied a false eyelash. And yes, it was visible. And yes, it looked good. And when I say good, I mean it unconditionally. And when I say unconditionally, I mean that the half that adhered to her eyelid produced a most flattering effect. The other half, however, tended to wander between the air and her glasses.

• I got a notice from Google that a suspicious device had tried to access my account over the past few days. I urge you - if you ever get this notice, please check it out and track down the offending device if it's yours. 
• Unfortunately, this process will require me to remember where I was at that time. I do not, by any means, live in a drunken stupor that causes me to suspect I've been places I do not remember... I just have the recall of a pregnant gnat (as well the attention span of an infant, on good days)..

I don't want to say the sex was loud, but afterwards, the neighbors gathered outside...

Hold Your Breath Until I Arrive

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Hack Hack Hacking a Lung

A UK woman, for some reason a model, wants to be so fat she can't move. No, really. He boyfriend, a feeder, is feeding her obsession. She currently weighs 50 stone, which, according to an online converter, is 700 pounds. Regardless of conversion accuracy, she's a flipping disaster. Her plan is to reach 1000 pounds. This is a sexual fantasy, people.  I figure she must have some interesting life insurance and the boyfriend is gonna get his jollies then she's going to die in short order. Apparently nobody told them it's dangerous to be to fat.

Oh yeah.. don't say anything bad or you'll be fat-shaming.

• Apparently fax machines can be radicalized. Yes, binLaden figured out a way to turn your machine against you. If you still have one, keep an eye on it. You never know what it will get up to. The real problem is not the fax machine - the real problem is that the government is getting involved to help us. (article is from 2015)

There is now a petition on Change.org to End Discrimination of Young Women by the Boy Scouts of America. I don't know where these miniature Einsteins come up with this stuff, but it looks like they're serious. It also looks like they're not aware of the Girl Scouts and Brownies. Until the Girl Scouts are petitioned to end discrimination against young men, I'm not signing. The good news is that gays can now join Boy Scouts but atheists are still persona non grata.

• Senate democrats are holding up a Zika funding bill over language inserted by republicans relating to Planned Parenthood. This sounds like a perfect time to enact my One Topic Rule: all legislation will be restricted to one topic only. No inserts or backdoors. One topic.

Amy Schumer says that anyone who isn't a feminist is insane. Amy is a Subject Matter Expert (SME).

• A potential entry for Best Headline: Fish Fraud is Absolutely Rampant. In a recent study, one in five samples was mislabeled. Next time your order flounder, remember that in reality, you could be eating the bumper of a 1975 Pinto.

In a very alarming trend, HSBC bank has become the latest financial institution to allow selfies as a form of identification. This must certainly be the final horseman of the apocalypse.

• Londoners were urged to look out for and report brothels so the government could watch for sexual exploitation. It's for the children. In other news, the IRS has urged Americans to report businesses and people not charging income tax, so the government coud look out for sexual exploitation. Tax cheating is the gateway drug to sex-trafficking.

According to just-released research, over half of 18-24 year old female students experience sexual harassment. one in seven males too. Just short of half 18-24 year old female students and six in seven male students are protesting for the right to be harassed too.

• My best friend got dragged to a Springsteen concert. It was only fair - he drags his wife to his concerts (although his concerts are naturally lots better).  This morning he sent me a link to an article noting that Bruce just broke the record for longest concert held at that venue. It's like being 'volunteered' for the Afghani army. The torture never stops.

My company has done a tremendously safe thing and outlawed Firefox from its desktops. In fact, the system is so safe that even its own administrators cannot install Firefox to the desktops, despite incredibly expensive software and systems designed for just this purpose. Although I require Firefox to perform my duties and have Supervisor Permission, nobody in the entire corporation can install the program.  Just between us, I installed Firefox when I first arrived. The other day I was using it and POOF, it completely disappeared. Uninstalled by itself, by the same system that cannot install it. The institutional incompetence is mind-boggling.

• A woman has been accused of setting fire to a blanket and a control panel on a jetBlue flight. We're sure glad the TSA has protected us against this sort of thing. Good thing she didn't have a box cutter, eh?  Did we have this level of Crazy before 9-11, which went unreported?

In another bold move for equality, Brown University will be making tampons available in men's restrooms. No word yet on where men are going to put them...

• Mark the date: September 8th is National Ampersand Day. Because we've run out of all other days. Well.. maybe National Twig Day. National Belly Lint Day. National Termite Day. National Mother-In-Law Day (although that's going too far).

I know you're asking yourself how to generate a good, safe password. While you're waiting for an answer, here are the top 40 passwords - please don't use any of these:

Think it can't happen to you?

I strongly urge you, if you haven't already, to get your affairs in order. Life insurance for those who will be left behind, will, power of attorney, advanced directive, burial wishes and payment, disposition of your Stuff, etc. Please do this before it's needed. Save those left behind a lot of additional grief and assure your wishes are enforced.

Happy 15th Anniversary

Computing for Parents

My parents are in their seventies.  Need I say more?

Actually it's kind of difficult for me, being their child and thinking the world of them, to see them floundering about with their computer.

One of the most difficult ninety minutes of my life involved talking my mother through finding a document and emailing it.  By the time we were done, my mother was mad at herself too.  I should have won some sort of Nobel prize for maintaining my composure and not having my cranium explode, spraying the general area with its contents.

No one is entirely sure why they have had so many computers but there are certain things that, if questioned, will make your head hurt unbearably.  My mother has fibromyalgia and back issues so it's very difficult for her to use a computer in the first place.  It tends to look a lot like back-seat computing, with my dad typing and my mom leaning over his shoulder, yelling.  This is a fairly normal position for my parents and it is not for me to question what works.

They have gone through quite a number of laptops.  Nobody knows why, although I suspect at least one of them is the Dr. Kevorkian of computers.  The latest laptop is quite a beauty: a Dell with a seventeen inch screen.  The thing weighs almost as much as their car, which confuses me as my mom can't lift it (the car or the laptop, one would presume).

This particular laptop came with a major virus known as Windows Vista.  I installed the lesser virus called Windows 7.   I had almost no Vista experience and discovered this was a wonderful thing.  What a screaming piece of garbage..... the install was brand new and kept blue-screening randomly.  With a nice processor and four gigs of RAM, the thing looks magnificent and absolutely crawls.  If Windows 7 performs like Vista, my parents are going to learn linux.

Linux won't be a problem for my folks, as it would be just another operating system they cannot operate.

The key to dealing with older and/or technology-terrified folks is repetition.  They have to keep using the computer almost daily.  If they fail to use the computer, they will definitely forget how to operate it.

And forget they did.

Every few weeks, I'd receive another emergency call because one or both of them couldn't get their email.  Initially this was caused by not being able to remember their password(s).  I'm a security guy - I can't let my parents not have a password on their laptop.  We overcame this by having them write it down in a place they'd be able to locate.

All was well until last week, when I got another one of those calls.  They couldn't read their email.  Anyone who has done any troubleshooting at all knows that the complaint usually has nothing at all to do with the actual issue.   "Can't read my email" can mean anything from "I forgot my password" to "I forgot to pay the cable bill."

Firing up the latop, I discovered that all was in order and the email came in wonderfully.  I inquired as to the problem and they restated it was email.  Asking differently, the question actually turned out to be "Which program do I use to read email?"

Support people also know the Second Law of Computing: if there is no icon on the desktop, the program isn't installed.

I changed the Outlook icon to read EMAIL.

I suspect that they are best off with three icons:  EMAIL, WEB, and PICTURES.  Anything else will just get them into trouble.