Some Things Suck More Than Other Things

Former President Barack Obama has reportedly asked Jay-Z to encourage other hip hop artists not to meet with Donald Trump following the firestorm of publicity over Kanye West. I cannot verify this, but it's a good one.

If I were Obama, I'd call and ask Jay-Z to encourage other hip hop artists to attempt real music, if at all possible.

• A South Carolina NAACP leader accused the police of racial profiling when they pulled him over. He told his passengers not to move because the officer looked like he was going to shoot them. He claimed that the police accused him of having drugs in the car and what was he doing in that neighborhood.  
• Bodycam footage shows the officer not shooting anybody, not accusing him of having drugs in the car, and not asking what he was doing in that neighborhood.
• The man was not racially profiled - he failed to use his turn signal.
• Uh-oh, NAACP. The Race Card<tm> seems to have failed you.

Arizona is planning for INCOMING in case California has an earthquake.

Plans include portable Starbucks, smog trucked in from Los Angeles plastic surgeons to do emergent nose and breast jobs, individual tent mansions, indoor parking for Mercedes and up, and a stage for Berkeley to protest anything and everything, 24 hours a day. And no paper bags - only plastic.

Arizona is counting its blessings, already having way more than their share of illegal aliens, but hasn't yet figured out what to do to make the Californians comfortable around guns, which everybody owns. Because of their inflexibility on this issue, California has passed a resolution condemning Arizona's effort to help them and stating that they will boycott the state, preferring to take their personal environmentally green aircraft to a more friendly, socially conscious state, like... well.... they'll get back to us on this.

• Starbucks has ordered all locations to allow anyone to sit or use the rest room, regardless of whether or not they're customers.  Starbucks' regulars are worried about the place looking like a homeless camp. The only people pleased by this are the people who don't go to Starbucks. They're laughing so hard they see spots.

In a welcomed event for all airlines, today's headlines involve a passenger. Sort of.  Some old guy verbally and physically assaulted two women and touched one sleeping female passenger and later asked another woman about her sexual and marital life. Ok, here's the part where the airline could have done a bit better: they moved his seat, whereupon he urinated on the seat in front of him. He was arrested upon landing, then offered a movie deal by Adam Sandler.

• Speaking of Adam Sandler, a bunch of masked students recently ran into a school with water guns and firecrackers. I love me some black humor but there are some things even I won't do. High School Me is laughing and applauding.

In yet another giant step backwards for England, it is now going to protect its citizens from the 'wild west of the internet' by enacting new laws on social media. Those wacky Brits are heading down a dangerous path at record speeds. No knives over 3", no vegetable peelers or carpet knives, no swearing in public, continued refusal to drive on the correct side of the road, and jail time for insulting people online. What will they protect their citizens from next week? And are the citizens awake enough to notice this, no less do something about it?

• Oh God no - please... I just discovered a show called Paris Hilton - My New BFF. It was the last minute of the show, thankfully, as I was already pulling my hair out and losing the contents of my stomach from the last week. Have we truly reached End Times? Can they possibly come up with anything more inane, self-absorbed, or totally without redeeming content? I'll bet they can.

My hell is your entertainment, hopefully.

Let me start by saying that every f-ing time I try to order something online, I miss shopping in-person. And when I shop in-person, I miss online convenience.

Having said that, Amazon is cancer.

Just for fun, let's add two people who tend to be alpha in certain situations.

Don't use my account - I can't do it now, create your own.

Ok, I created it. It will only give me 2 day delivery if I do a trial of Amazon Prime.

Ok, do it.

No, we already have Prime. It's attached to your account.

Ok, fine, I'll do it on my phone. Write down what you want.

Write down? With a PEN? I can't do that. You don't want to see that.

[2 minutes later]

Is this what you wanted?

No.

I don't see it then.

So I create my own account and am ready to hit GO, when I realize they're going to charge me TAX. Originally tax was only charged if the seller was in the same state. I am not aware of an Amazon here, so I'm thinking the thieving bastards in the State capitol legislated their hands into our pockets. Again. To make matters more interesting, the shipping is taxed too.

Perhaps it would be helpful if Amazon used a little-known retail trick called Model Number. Sssshhhhhhh - it's a secret.  Think about this... we have two different computers with two similar searches and two different results. In fact, the item I'm looking to spend money on can not be brought up on her search at all, in any way.

We're doing our best, but the Strangle Urge is surfacing in both of us. Since Amazon is not physically present, it gets directed at each other [marriage counselors take note].

There are reviews, you know.

These headphones are almost the quality of my $300 Bose headphones.

These headphones suck.

These headphones are too tight.

Ignore the other reviews, the headphones are plenty large.

People tell me I sound like I was in a fishbowl.

The sound is crystal clear over the phone.

and these are the products with near 5 star ratings.

Finally I gave up and had her order something that looked similar with similar features. Both of us are alive and relatively unscathed. The dog is hiding upstairs, terrified of his parents. The police just left, but it's taking the SWAT team a while to get out of their vests and pack up the Armored Personnel Carrier the army gave them.

• It's been the saddest time in my car's life. Actually our life. Ever since the CD changer broke, we've had nothing but broadcast radio to listen to. Have you experienced the horror?  So I have to procure a new one.
• I know everybody has new stereos, with all sorts of whiz-bang features, but this is all new to me. I really like the Bluetooth compatibility. This will allow people in the back seat to play music, even if somebody in the front seat is already playing music.  It's a veritable bonanza of fun. Some units come with a remote control. WTF do you need a remote control for?  Again, the back seat people are laughing hysterically, playing with the controls. And they get all this fun at no cost to themselves!  If only they could Bluetooth the car for unplanned acceleration, help with the turn signals, and rolling up the window when the policeman is talking to the driver.
• I distinctly remember replacing the stereos in my very old cars. In fact, I wake up crying, screaming, and cursing precisely at 4am, so I will never forget. In fact, crying, screaming, and cursing is precisely what was required to get the box into the dash. Crutchfield makes it look so easy, with the adapters and recommendations and wire harnesses and B&D gear. It's their job to make it look easy, because they're total bastards and just like to make people suffer. At no extra charge.
• It's not that I'm old, but I don't trust any stereo that doesn't have knobs on both sides of the display.

Ever wonder what information Apple has on you?

Most of it is metadata, such as your IP and the IP you're going to, but not the content. You might want to have a look (I would, if I used any of their products). As harmless as this might look, any information can be combined with certain other information or details to come up with information you don't want anyone to have.

• So, just because the most hated entities in every category, cable providers, haven't been in the news in the past three days or so, Comcast has what's technically referred to as a Biggie. Your account and password has been exposed to the known universe. 
• Once again, a business entity has blamed 'a bug' for what is just Stupid Lack of Security and Human Error.
• Armed with an address and account number, anyone could get your login and password. Isn't that spiffy? The answer will come to you in plain text, as opposed to encrypted.
• Comcast removed the 'bug' and spoke thusly:

• "There's nothing more important than our customers' security," said a Comcast spokesperson. "Within hours of learning of this issue, we shut it down. We are conducting a thorough investigation and will take all necessary steps to ensure that this doesn't happen again."
• Translated: "There's nothing more important than not getting caught," said a Comcast spokesperson. "Within hours of learning of this issue, we shut it down. We are conducting a thorough investigation and will take all necessary steps to ensure that we won't get caught again." 

Speaking of cars, BMW has made security its top priority after learning that many cars can be accessed with a few dollars of parts. Let's face it - nobody wants anybody to steal or mess with their car.  BMW is terrified of the possibility that a hacker will re-enable the long dormant turn signals.

• a New York high school will use CCTV and facial recognition to enforce discipline. This is the beginning of the slide. "It's for the children" was the cry for anything against the Fourth Amendment after 9-11. Now it's school shooters and discipline. The system will watch everything and identify the student 'after their picture is uploaded to the system'. Big Brother is now in school. Then of course it will be the little children, because we have to 'keep them safe'.

MIXED BLESSINGS

The ACLU sent a letter to Amazon, demanding they not provide their AI facial recognition system, Rekognition, to the government.  I like this.

The system can track people in crowds and identify them. You know governments everywhere will want it.   I don't like this.

The ACLU's letter includes: 

"...the company’s product is primed for abuse in the hands of governments, poses a grave threat to communities already unjustly targeted in the current political climate, and undermines public trust in Amazon"  We do not like the president and he spies on people.

"Particularly in the current political climate, we need to stop supercharged surveillance before it is used to track protesters, target immigrants, and spy on entire neighborhoods. We’re blowing the whistle before it’s too late.”  We really do not like the president, it has serious 4th Amendment concerns, and we really like illegal aliens."

“We already know that facial recognition algorithms discriminate against Black faces, and are being used to violate the human rights of immigrants,”  Racism! We like to think illegal aliens have rights as non-citizens of this country. We have completely lost our focus as a group.

• Securus, the previously mentioned company that gives law enforcement your phone tracking information, got hacked. 2,800 logins and passwords were stolen. The irony is thick.

NOT THE ONION
Our good friends over at Faceyspaces (UK, US, Canada) are asking you to send them your intimate photos to stop revenge porn.

No, really.

"..photos will only be seen by "a very small group of about five specially trained reviewers"

Sure they will. Because everybody respects privacy, especially at Faceyspaces. Just send us your naked pictures and we promise not to look at them.

we shall never see another and we are the worse for it

Passed Over

I'd like to wish my Jewish friends a Happy Passover.
But I can't, because it was a little while ago.
So I'll wish them a happy end of Passover.
The end of Passover, as I understand it, is the happiest part of Passover.

What is Passover?
Way back in the times when Charlton Heston parted Bea Arthur's hair and men rode on armed Chevrolet platforms pulled by octopi; Jesus had, through no fault of his own, become dead. This was later featured in Monty Python's Life of Brian. The Romans, a cheerful group that occasionally nailed people to wood, nailed Jesus to wood. Then they did what every forward-thinking civilization does - they put him in a cave with a huge rock in front of it, so his dead body couldn't escape. Well, Jesus showed them.... he came out of his cave in February and saw his shadow, indicating that everyone was in for four more weeks of pretending a rabbit is going to bring you candy.

Jesus was in no mood for this sort of thing and passed over everyone's houses, guaranteeing that Air Traffic Control would have to lie again and tell everyone there was no unidentified flying lord on their radar that day. And to this day, the holiday is celebrated by the Jews with matzoh, because they couldn't eat bread during the time Jesus passed over their house, because the village baker was on vacation that week. The baker's apprentice was on a bender, having been to see the Dead the night before. This was before Jerry grew a beard.

Now, allow me to share another tradition that is not taught in your comparative religion class...  For reasons unknown, Jews tend to buy too much matzoh and 'kosher for Passover' food for Passover. Considering that matzoh tastes worse than the cardboard box it comes in, overestimating the quantity borders on the insane. So at the end of Passover, there's all sorts of kosher food left. What is kosher food? In high school, my Jewish girlfriend said it was food that a rabbi spit on. That was good enough for me. If I didn't agree, I was going home by myself, so she was always right.

There is also something called guh-fil-ta fish. Don't bother asking me how it's spelled - it's spelled the way I spell it. The girlfriend showed it to me once. Your traditional fish, they come from water. You fish for them, they bite the hook, then you take them home to a woman, who guts them, throws them out, and cooks frozen fish she has on hand for just such emergencies. Guh-fil-ta fish does not come from water; it comes from a bottle. No, really. Ok, there is some water in the bottle, but it's mostly this very strange clear jelly, which doesn't show up on the periodic table. The 'fish' doesn't have a tail. Or eyes. Or any other characteristics that would identify it as a fish. Or even something that was alive at one time. It looks like...ummm... a sort of almost colorless almost gray.. ummm.. turd. There's really no way to describe it... run down to your supermarket this minute and look for a jar. It's craggy, like the surface of the moon, from where it's thought to originate. It is virtually flavorless.. more of a texture, like a fast food burger or something you make out of a cat. As if this weren't enough, they dip it in this Purple Stuff. Being the good boyfriend, I did. OHMYFRIGGINGOD WHYDIDN'TTHEYTELLMETHISSHITIS HORSERADISH? It is the most potent form of horseradish known to man, disguised as Purple Stuff. It was my girlfriend's family tradition to burn someone's nasal tract to hell every year on Passover. To this day, I cannot deal with purple food and never grew back my sinuses.

Mrs leftystrat's buddy celebrates Passover, and thus winds up with lots of leftover matzoh. Every year she asks Mrs leftystrat if she'd like some. Every year, Mrs leftystrat gets excited and says she loves matzoh and would be happy to take some. Every year I ask why anyone would voluntarily eat that stuff and besides, she never eats it anyway. Every year she lists the things she can make with it, number one being fried matzoh. I saw fried matzoh once. Only once. I shall attempt to describe it thusly: take a dry, flat, moistureless cracker, and fry it. In essence, you have Deep Fried Cardboard, with extra grease. Each piece weighs ten pounds and everyone claims to love it, although you never see anyone actually eating it.

Within two days, a five pound box of matzoh shows up, unopened. I told you there's overbuying.  Five pounds of matzoh is enough to feed an entire village in the time of Yul Brynner's shiny, bald head. And he died of cancer... draw your own conclusions. The matzoh sits out in a very conspicuous place for a few days, then goes to the pantry. Where it sits until at least the next Passover, by which time it hasn't expired. In fact, matzoh never expires - it's just a conspiracy by the Matzoh Lobby to sell more.

And that, folks, is the Secret Passover Tradition.



Say, it's around the middle of April, isn't it....?
That means it's Tax Time!
Tax Time: when you have to pay more of your money, or you get some of your money back, without interest, because the feds aren't interested in you.

Cheech and Chong, a married couple (their names were changed to protect the IRS) waited til the last minute, as they did every year, to file their taxes. They purchased an expensive tax program because their situation was weird. And who wouldn't have a weird situation if they had names like Cheech and Chong?

They fired up their tax program and for no particular reason, Chong turned ugly because she couldn't find her tax paperwork. She had only made three million dollars last year, which was a significant loss from the previous year's marijuana growing operation profits. Cheech asker her when she would like to start, as they were kinda due on this very day and Chong replied by suggesting something anatomically impossible, followed by telling him if he was so eager to start, perhaps he should start.

In fear for his life, Cheech put in his information and his earnings. Then it was again time for Chong, so he asked her for her paperwork. I CAN'T FIND IT but I can get a copy online. Cheech observed that she couldn't find the floor, then decided to keep that thought to himself; he had grown rather attached to his genitalia.

After establishing that the paperwork had mysteriously been eaten by either the house or the invisible goat, Chong decided to get the information online. And by get the information, I mean have Cheech go online. Whenever Chong tried to go online, she broke out in a cold sweat and the computer always wound up stapled to the front of the house, in a small bag of dark metal shavings, next to what remained of the monitor. Cheech went online, to the federal site, to get her information.

Oh no... you can't get your information on the site unless you set up an account. CHONG - what's your account name?

I don't have an account.

Ok, let me set up one for you.  Hey, it says there's already an account with your name. Did you set one up last year?

No.

Let me do a recovery for people who can't remember their names. Ok, your account is CHONG1234.

NO, MY PASSWORD IS CHONG1234.

You can argue with me if you like, but the site itself said your account is CHONG1234.  What's your password?

GODAMMIT, HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

The cat knew what was coming and retreated to the tornado shelter.

Let me see... ok, there's a password recovery. Ok, I.. oh wait... they are going to send you the password. In the mail. In 5-10 days.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO HELP ME. YOU NEED TO FILE FOR AN EXTENSION.

Oh, look... here are your security questions: what's your mother's middle name?

My mother doesn't have a middle name.

Ok then, just wait for that mail to arrive. Perhaps you should call and ask.

SURE - I'LL SIT THERE FOR HOURS, WAITING FOR THEM TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND TELL ME THEY CAN'T DO IT.

Play stupid - people will help.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO DO?

Cheech had a few suggestions as to what she could do, but decided it might not be a good idea to use his outside voice.

An hour later the problem was solved. The customer service person was unfailingly polite. She could not provide the password, but freely gave out the info Chong needed. Don't bother thinking about this - it will only cause serious headaches, resulting in your inability to understand Survivor.


Meanwhile in PA:

After, through some sort of miracle, we managed to file our tax return, we had to file the state return. Since the stupid tax software only runs on Windows, I had to bring up Windows. This is distasteful to me. I shudder involuntarily.

One of the good things about Windows is how it identifies hardware that you plug in. Since I needed to print the return, I plugged the printer in, waited too long, then got an error message that it couldn't install the hardware.  Funny, linux installed it in a blink of the eye.

Off I went to get the Windows driver.
Wife breaks out in a cold sweat when she has to do taxes. I break out in a cold sweat when going online to get something specific or ordering tickets or most transactions. This was no exception. After several clicks, I closed my eyes and clicked a few more times, eventually winding up at the drivers page. It correctly identified my operating system and helpfully told me it could not pull up the list of drivers - maybe I could reset the operating system and hit the update button. Only there was no update button, just a change button. So I updated and changed and it refused to let me. When I reloaded the page, it again correctly guessed my operating system again, and couldn't find the list of drivers again.

I can't download drivers from an official website for a huge printer company. Huge. Do you see why I break out in a cold sweat? Every time I need something. I tried two browsers, including [heaven help me] Internet Explorer.

So I rebooted into linux, the One True Operating System, and printed the file.
Windows: it's not an operating system, it's a virus.

• Seven students at an elementary school in Maryland cut their wrists at school using blades from pencil sharpeners.
• Well, I guess we're going to need pencil sharpener control.
• Oops, a ban on pencil sharpeners was announced.
• Things are going to look really weird when the district finishes banning everything the students can use to harm themselves or others. The kids will have to remove shoelaces and belts before they hit the metal detectors, which, instead of guns, will check for pencil sharpeners. Shirts and pants can be used to hang themselves, so they will have to go. Since children are cruel little bastards, they will pick on underwear, so that will also be forfeited. Then some parent will accuse first graders of raping each other so genitals will be banned...

You probably heard about the Southwest plane that was forced to land at Philly International after an engine blew and threw shrapnel through a window, which almost succeeded in sucking a passenger out a window. She was pulled back in by passengers and given CPR. Unfortunately she died. A tremendous job was done by the pilot and passengers. The passenger was the first death in an accident involving a US airline since 2009. This is some safety record. Condolences to family and friends.

• We mourn the passing of Barbara Bush (92). She seemed like a really good person. Her choice in men was questionable...

Starbucks is closing over 8,000 stores for racial-bias education day.

What about gender bias?

Unconscious transgender bias?

Secret Antisemitism?

Latent Latino bias?

within a few years, they're going to have to recover from Cracker Bias.

• A panhandler stabbed a man with a steak knife in New York City when the man refused to give him money.
• SHIT. Prepare for knife control.

A transgender woman is claiming discrimination because she was booked into the male section of the Sacramento County Jail. The jail promised to send her some money when it gets a job.

The person identifies as a transgender woman. I identify as a surface to air missile. What section will the drop ME into? First you have to check to see if I have the correct surface to air missile parts.

"My humanity was stripped."  Sorry, you can't say huMANity. It's sexist.

She feared for her safety in the male population. "I have female body parts; I just felt dehumanized." I think part of the problem here is that she also has male body parts.

I am not lacking in compassion. I feel compassion for the poor jail staff, who weren't sure what to do with this lady. Seriously.. if she has any more than the required male or female parts, or they're intermixed, what are they supposed to do? The woman was moved to the female population in short order. A spokesman said transgenders are always booked separately. Furthermore, the woman was put into a cell by herself, which happened to be on the male side.

Naturally, transgender advocates are up in arms, demanding transgender equality behind bars. Naturally, I have a solution: if transgender and other people spent more time IN bars, they wouldn't spend much time BEHIND them. My other suggestion is, heaven forbid, not to do the kind of stuff which would land you behind bars.

• The phalanx of lawyers hired by Bill Cosby to defend him against rape charges put their heads (or some other body parts) together and came up with a bulletproof defense: Bill doesn't like intercourse.
• In addition, they claim each one of the fifty women made it up.
• Who, aside from married women, doesn't like intercourse?

Because it's been quiet at Starbucks(?), a camera has been discovered in the rest room of an Atlanta suburb's store.  An alert customer removed the camera and took it to the manager. The manager immediately called Corporate, which asked if it took any video of People of Color using the bathroom. The camera will also go for bias training when the chain closes its 8,000 stores.

• The Jacksons are very concerned for Paris, daughter of Michael 'No Nose' Jackson, noted racist who tried to become white. Suicide attempts, self-harm, and substance use have plagued her life. 
• Grandmother Jackson became distraught when she learned Paris was dating a model/actress. Grandma is 'not a champion of same sex relationships' and 'believes she may have failed as a guardian'.
• Paris' godfather is Macaulay Culkin. Her relationships with men have been rocky.
• In what possible universe could a child of Michael Jackson turn out to have trouble?

Speaking of unrelated matters, Michael's other child, Blanket, is still suffering PTSD from being called Blanket. Matriarch Katherine put together a documentary only available to paying fans. Joe Jackson, Michael's father, said Blanket is bound for greatness, because he was told so by a fortune teller. Is Michael starting to make sense to you now?

Prince Jackson, Michael's son, has been very quiet since his teenage years. He is rumored to be in a special clinic in the Azores, for children of celebrities to learn how to misbehave and start a life of crisis and gender confusion. Prince had his first nose job at five.

I think the courts should have stepped in and taken Michael, for his own good. Perhaps then he and his poor kids would have had a chance. Prince, Paris, and Blanket: it's time to find a good influence and listen carefully.

• In Chicago, an elderly woman was found pushing a shopping cart which contained the body of a black woman. Police released no other details.
• You mean you're not supposed to push carts with dead bodies in them in Chicago? That's not what I heard.
• The elderly woman was sent to Starbucks for bias training.

Revenge porn, the practice of putting pictures or video online featuring your ex to shame them, is a hot topic on the internet. One popular site was taken down already. A Texas appeals court just ruled that revenge porn is protected by the First Amendment, noting that it usually prohibits "content based" restrictions.

As a First Amendment proponent, this is a very interesting case, which could wind up at the Supreme Court. I haven't seen the law, which covers a small portion of Texas, and is supposedly vague.

• I joke and snicker about Knife Control, as we all should. Today brings the news that a Texas mother who lost her son in a knife attack is calling for knife control, stating that the perp “should have not been allowed to have an illegal knife on him and use it to murder somebody.”
• Should we set up knife checkpoints all over Texas? If this was, as she said, an illegal knife, this proves that any sort of control will fail. And what's an illegal knife?
• It's bad enough that we have a country desperately trying to be a Nanny State, but useful idiots like this are making it worse.

RIP Coal: one of the good ones.

The Hair on my Left Elbow is Killing Me

Due to my love affair with the couch, I seem to be attaining a soda belly. It's not my fault.. I'm not doing anything different.

Wife brings me some fresh cupcakes. I thank her and remind her, for the fourth time this week, that I'm trying to cut down.

"SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?"


After that, she went to visit my parents. Mom was taping flowers to the wall. This is not a good thing. Mom would have ordered special flower mounts, not used tape.

It's just another day.

• Saturday: 80 degrees. Sunday: 40 degrees. Monday: 4 hour flash flood warning. Tuesday: raining carburetors.

It's a sad thing to have to admit, but I never saw Led Zeppelin live. I did, however, catch the solo tours of Page and Plant immediately after. Page's doubleneck guitar got a round of cheers as it was put on its stand.

Everyone seems to be up for a reunion except Plant. It's difficult to form an opinion on this.. I want to see Led Zeppelin, as do millions across the globe. Plant's reasoning is that he doesn't want to be a best-of act. Understood, but if you do new material, you're not a best-of act. Meanwhile, his solo career is going well. I've seen a few concerts online and his band is in fine form and the songs are good. They even slip in a reworked Zep tune here and there. Recommended.

What's bothering me at the moment (as opposed to what's bothering me in general or specifically at any other moment) is something about Plant's solo career.  I don't even know what it is.  Recently I discovered some live shows from the early 80s. I was there, front and center, at the hockey stadium. For whatever reason, it became very important to listen to the concert and collect more. The music came back to me. I remembered the riffs and where everything went, including stuff I didn't remember I remembered. And then I had my fill.

Don't you know that I came across another old concert and some rehearsal material and listened for a bit. Now the songs are whirling through my head again, like one of those amusement park rides that... whirl. It is said that music recalls another time and place. I certainly don't feel like a different time or place. I feel good tunes. Regardless, they're back again and I'm enjoying them. It's just that I always have to know why, which makes life frustrating.

• England recently held the BAFTA Game Awards. Yes, an awards ceremony dedicated to video games. Next year, the Hand Mixer Awards air for the first time. I, for one, can't wait.

If you log into your Yahoo or AOL email (if you still have AOL email, there's little that can help you), you'll see a new privacy and terms notice. In light of the Faceyspaces scandal, they want you to know they're reading your email, and will most likely share it with Verizon, their parent company. Full disclosure is wonderful, isn't it? Don't you feel better?

Speaking of Faceyspaces, Techpinions did a survey on 1,000 people, of which 9% said they deleted their accounts. I'm trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. If the numbers hold, it's a pretty significant thing. To reach 9-10% of Faceyspaces users usually requires the personal invitation of a Kardashian. Or meth. While this number is significant, I'm bothered it wasn't higher. THANK YOU, SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

Speaking of Faceyspaces again, they just deleted over 100 private discussion groups that have been facilitating identity fraud and cybercrime on the platform for years. Faceyspaces did not discover the groups by themselves. The whole operation would've been quick and efficient if someone complained that the groups were hate groups, run by right wingers.

• Many Android device manufacturers are not telling the truth when they say they have patched phone vulnerabilities in new updates, researchers found. Fortunately I have nothing to worry about, as my carrier is too stupid to update anything and can't even tell me if I'm going to get the next version of Android.
• Reminder: put black tape or something solid over your laptop or tablet's camera. It's no longer something just us tin foils do... Zuckerburg does it too.

Are you a T-Mobile customer?
They just got hit with a $40 million FCC settlement by using fake ringtones. When you'd call someone out of range, they'd play ringtones, making you think the other party was hearing the phone ring. This was banned in 2014. Ever wonder where the settlement money goes? Certainly not to the affected parties.

• Russia is attempting to ban the secure message app Telegram. You know you're doing well when a country's leader wants you blocked.
• ThermionicEmissions' strong recommendation is to use Signal. It's available for all platforms.

David Buckel, famed gay rights lawyer, set himself on fire in New York to protest the use of fossil fuels. In a statement, the nations of the world pledged to stop using fossil fuels immediately. I sure hope he didn't use an accelerant.

• It is of no matter that there are gays in the NFL. What does bother me is that the Social Justice Warriors (SJWs) are starting to get by the detectors. NFL player and activist Terry Crews said: 

• “People have to understand that masculinity can be a cult, and when I say cult, it’s not different from David Koresh, it’s not different from Jim Jones,”

Is this some sort of Halloween joke, where he dresses as a football player but in reality is some crazed uber-feminist with green hair? The cult of SJW is large and strong now.





A substitute teacher in the Philadelphia school district has been suspended for allegedly hitting first graders.  That's one way to teach respect early on...

Speaking of Philthy, Mother Nature was booked yesterday for drunk driving. There was a line of coke on the dash and a speedball in her pocketbook.

• A college in California (of course) is hosting a No Whites Allowed pool party.  Can you imagine a college hosting a No Blacks Allowed pool party? There would be riots and calls to burn the school down.
• The invite stated only "people who identify as POC" permitted to attend (person of color).
• No problem. I identify as a person of color. And a fire engine! Vroom vroom - wooooooooooooooo!

A few days back, there was an incident in a Philadelphia Starbucks, that has no doubt gone around the world. The only facts not in dispute are that there were two male People of Color. The employees told the men they couldn't use the restroom if they weren't paying customers. They called the police, who escorted them out. Both the police, who were on camera, and the mayor state that the police did nothing wrong. The POC are claiming racism. Starbucks has apologized, letting a POC spokesperson deliver the news. Philly's Groups You're Supposed to Apologize To are apoplectic, saying that they will not accept Starbucks' apology.

The mayor will meet with Starbucks, along with his HR Helpers in case of Unconscious Bias. Starbucks will force sensitivity training. It's good that the mayor could take time away from soda taxes and his great work with his sanctuary city.

Unconscious bias. What a great term!  Is racism losing its effectiveness?



Later that night, in a Philadelphia row home:

Dad, I learned about racism today in school. It's terrible. I'm not racist, am I?

No, son, you're not overtly racist, but we have to consider that you might be unconsciously racist.

What is uncongslee racist?

Well, you could be racist and not know it.

But Dad... how can I be racism and not know it?

Err... you could have a tiny little racism gene, waaaaaay down inside.

Well how do I know?

That's why the school district says everyone has to take unconscious racism training.

[crying] But Dad... I'm NOT a racist!

I know, Bobby, but you have to trust the training.

Will it tell me if I'm racist?

Um.. not entirely.

Then why do I have to take it - you know I hate tests.

Because everyone is racist, son. Unconsciously at least.

Who says that?

Human Resources departments.

How do they know?

Because... uhhhh.. they were told so.

By who?

Industry people. Mostly lawyers.

Do lawyers know if you're racist?

No, lawyers know that it's bad publicity to not look like you're doing something, plus people of color will blame you for being racist. 

So I might not be racist unconshly?

No, but they invented the term just in case.

Dad, what's white privilege?

SHUT UP AND GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Thank God for the federal government. Without their intrusive nannying, it's a wonder any one of us is still alive. The FDA has banned the sale of caffeine in bulk quantities directly to consumers.  No, seriously. They said it could lead to injury or death.

Still no word on aspartame, or the thousands of other things they approved that can cause injury or death. Next week, the FDA will ban water, because too much water can kill you. Look up hyperhydration or water toxemia.

If any of you can snag an interview with Ben Franklin or Thomas Jefferson, can you ask them about this? I'm pretty sure their intent was to allow citizens to make their own mistakes.

• The Pentagon has turned loose a $5.1 million contract to a cybersecurity to identify illness in its soldiers via their smartphones. SARGE - hold your fire - I need to send a text!
• The phone's camera, microphone, and motion sensors will be used 'to keep tabs on deployed U.S. service members.'
• The ACLU said there just might be some privacy issues here.
• What kind of pussies work at the ACLU? Just because the government will soon have the ability to monitor your 'health' by turning on every sensor your phone has, doesn't constitute a privacy problem.
• I call BS. They can already turn on the sensors. This is just preparing us for the announcement. Even if you don't believe me, you can still see it happening, right out in the open.

That Damn Cartoon Music

I've been a Frank Zappa fan for as long as I can remember.
And why not? When you put a song like Yellow Snow near a teenager, it's bound to happen.

I had no choice but to dig deeper into the catalog. I liked more and more of his music. The first album (yes, album) I got was The Mothers, Live at the Fillmore 1971. This quickly became a favorite, playing over and over, even though I had to get up to flip the record every time. Aside from the very interesting musicianship, the thing that got me was the fantastic interplay between the singers, Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan. Only later did I learn they were The Turtles (Happy Together, actually performed on the album), aka Flo and Eddie. These two were hysterical and worked incredibly well together and with the band. Of course Frank rehearsed them to the edge of their lives. It was a huge production, and I wanted to see that live. Alas, this was a small part of Zappa history, without a ton of video I could locate. This was also before the internet [SHOCK and AWE!].

The theme of the album was being a rock star and traveling all over the country, meeting and trying to bed groupies.  Between the hilarity was instrumental bits that were kind of interesting. Not the usual masturbatory guitar solos I listened to normally. Frank was a great guitar player and a complete 180 degrees from anyone else who played. He played for as long as he wanted, and it was interesting all the way. The instrumental bits were not all guitar solos - he had other interesting things happening, but not too weird... just slightly out in his own neighborhood. Do you see why I never got called to write reviews professionally?

It's a good thing, too. Whenever I read or hear a review, I always wonder if the reviewer and I listened to the same piece of music. What I heard as ear-piercing howling, the reviewer referred to as 'the wide range of the lead singer's voice'.

In any case, further explorations into Frank's catalog turned up a few more hits and catchy bits. And even more strange, out there compositions. I refer to them as compositions because that's what we was: a composer. Yes, he had songs, but some of the stuff he did was beyond explanation; way too complex for my young ears to grasp. So I left the compositions there and enjoyed the Joe's Garage trilogy.

As I matured musically (who the hell am I kidding - I matured in nothing and remain the same genial hardhead I was at 16), I went back to the complex stuff and found I had an appreciation for it. Mind you, this is the music that parents and girlfriends call Cartoon Music, because it's very busy, fast, and jumps around a lot. It's also impossible for most rock musicians to play, but I appreciated the hell out of it. Mrs leftystrat, not so much. Since she processes things differently, it's too busy for her. Having read Vonnegut, especially what read like time travel, it confused the hell out of me. She said it was perfectly understandable to her. Oh well... if we were the same, there'd be no fun in it.

In listening to the more complex stuff, I gained an appreciation for what must've been involved, and composition in general. I sure as hell couldn't do that.

Try it out for yourself. A ton of his songs appears on YouTube. Funny stuff and cartoon stuff. Also a series called Shut Up And Play Your Guitar, which is, as you'd expect, only instrumental. If you like the music, please purchase it to help his kids, who are split into warring factions.

• A blind guy goes kayaking in the Grand Canyon. Fortunately he's not crazy enough to do it himself: he takes a guide who knows the area like the back of his hand, as well as his team, which stays in touch by radio. You know what happens next, right? There's a sudden disturbance in the water, a reinforced fiberglass paddle snaps, and the kayak turns over, trapping him in the water.  The guide, I mean.

How's Marshall?

He went for his followup visit at the acupuncturist the other day. She's very pleased at his progress. His lesion has shrunk significantly! We're beyond thrilled.

Think about this for a minute. The doctor thoroughly examines him, sticks a few needles in him and sends him home with some Eye of Newt and Stuff, and he's doing better in two weeks, maybe sooner. What does this tell you about chemicals?

Possibly to detract from getting well, his behavior has gone down the loo. He has successfully taught his mommy to walk him on command. Marshall has his own yard, so he can do whatever he wants. But there's something about his leash that makes him happy. Starting at two or three in the morning, he whines, very quietly at first, then ramps the volume and pitch until she gets up and does what he wants. Since he discovered she will walk him, he now sits by the door and whines. He trained her faster than he could ever be trained. To be fair, we never know whether the pitiful whining is pain or manipulation. My wife, bless her, lets me sleep because I have to work. Plus training me could take years.

As we know, I'm always late to the party.
HOW LATE ARE YOU?
I'm so late that I didn't know Barry Manilow was gay until last year.
THAT'S REALLY FRIGGIN LATE.

I didn't realize the power of my own dog.

When he went to the acupuncture doc, she and her assistant were oohing and ahhing over him, saying no way he could be 13-14 and he has a puppy face. The doc asked if it was ok to take pictures of him. Ok, but I'm not going to be a stage parent.

The regular vet practice is also incredibly fond of him. We take him when we're just picking something up and the multi-doctor practice goes on hold until everyone has come out and said hi to him. He's a celebrity.

On twitter, people follow his progress. One fan said if she lived here, she'd steal him.

That dog has more mojo than Dr John. If I ever needed a date, all I'd have to do is stand near him.

I can say, completely objectively, that he's a tremendously good looking cocker.
And some sort of furry therapist... he brings out all sorts of things in people.  Who knew?

It's a Sign!

It was early in the morning, my body still in a state of shock from being awakened to go to work, when I saw the article: "Boston Red Sox Caught Using Technology to Steal Signs".

Like any decent geek, I asked myself what the hell the Boston Red Sox would need with signs? Would they put them in the parking lot? Make a Sign Museum? Put them on the field to confuse the opposing team?

OH - hand signs between the catcher and the pitcher. Cameras all over the place watch players, figure out the signs, then relay them to the coach via an Apple watch or Fitbit.

Kids- if you ever wonder about the effects of growing up without a father (and being smart but kinda dim), here it is.

• They broke the mold after me. By popular request.

There was an insane amount of football chatter all over the place the other day. By this I divined that there was a lot of football, and the Great Unwashed Sheep were at it again, this time distracted by a ridiculous controversy over sitting, standing, taking someone's knee, or masturbating while the national anthem is playing.

We have real problems in the country and the world, yet we fall for this Divide and Conquer nonsense every time. Bread and circuses.

• Where will you spend eternity? Here's one idea. Mine would be a huge guitar or booby. 

It pains me to say this, but if you have an iDevice, hold off on iOS11. No. wait, it doesn't pain me.. what's that other thing? It amuses the hell out of me. There is an issue if you use the operating system with Outlook 365 that won't allow you to get your mail. Just for fun, the other issue is that the battery drains at twice the normal rate. Aside from that, it's perfectly ok.

• This is a winner: Muslim nurses in the UK refuse to wash hands before medical operations, say it 'compromises religious beliefs'. I wonder if they would prohibit the surgeon operating on them from washing his hands. Oops, sorry, my religious beliefs demand infections. As if that weren't good enough, administrators have granted them an exception. Don't offend them by asking them to wash their hands!

So you're on one of twenty ships in the Black Sea, and your ship seems to be in the sea, then at an airport, then back in the sea, you've probably been the victim of GPS spoofing. Or the Philadelphia Experiment is happening, in which case it's advisable to stay away from walls and hover over the deck. Assuming spoofing, there was a demonstration a number of years ago, in which a briefcase with about $1,000 of equipment performed this experiment, this time it's Real Life<tm>.

In 2015, the US Naval Academy, aware of this spoofing, opted to reinstate instruction in celestial navigation. You know - navigating by the stars, like sailors have been doing since the beginning of time. Of course it's only a matter of time til the Russians hack the stars...

• HEALTH WARNING: Swedish Fish have been known to pull crowns out. That is all.

A thirteen year old Brooklyn boy suffered ruptured testicles after exiting a train via the window and surfing on top of it.  No one could have seen this coming. It's only a matter of days until his parents sue, blaming the train for not having signs that say WARNING: DO NOT EXIT VIA WINDOW AND JUMP ON ROOF. But ruptured testicles.....

• A man accused of robbing a Fresno, CA Starbucks is suing the man who stopped the robbery for 'excessive force.' The thief's mommy said that the man who wrested the knife away didn't have to stab her son so many times to subdue him.  Furthermore, the man is suing the police for calling him a bad name and hurting his feelings. Since this is California, he probably has a chance at a win.

I'm looking for it.

If I find it, I'll let you know.

I've heard the process is more important than finding it.

I have no idea.

The Day After the Day After

Our friends over at Volvo have stated that hackers are the real problem for self-driving cars. Really? Not crappy code that doesn't take security seriously?

• Trans-species Transvestite Dog: Marshall has recently trained us to respond to his every whim via loud, urgent whining, whether it's needing water or something serious. At roughly 3am, the Marshall Alarm went off again. He was in the corner of the bedroom, with a dress wrapped around his neck. Kinky? Autococker Asphyxiation?

My buddy has had cancer two times. He's now working on number three. He has no sense of taste. While getting chemotherapy, he walks to and from a full time heavy job. He does not utter a syllable of doubt, regret, or upset.. he just goes on.  I need to remember this next time I have a backache...

• Celebgate 3.0: Yes, once again there's been a breach, resulting in photos from the phones of celebrities being leaked. This time it's Miley Cyrus, Stella Maxwell, Kristen Stewart, Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn, and Katharine McPhee. This attack starts with phishing. Don't click on stuff, celebrities and real people. Ramp up your security settings. Don't use THE CLOUD. Don't use iDEVICES - this hack was 100% iHACK.
• In the interests of science, we shall attempt to locate the site that published the pictures, so you know what kind of material to avoid putting in THE CLOUD from your iDEVICES.

Are you currently a college student? Did you attend college? I got a queasy feeling while reading this article on your information being available from the college itself. There doesn't seem to be any good reason for the information to be out there but of course there's legislation behind it: The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act. As we know from reading ThermionicEmissions, every piece of legislation works the opposite of its name. Since it says privacy, you have none. There is an opt-out and it's up to you to find it. But wait - it gets better... if medical records are requested, they lose HIPAA protection!

• One hundred percent of government IT workers said employees are the biggest threat to cybersecurity. PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.

Charles Barkley has been labeled a white supremacist for telling black people to stop killing each other. He sure is going to look funny at the white supremacist rallies.

This will backfire when almost everyone is labeled a white supremacist and white supremacists start getting praised for their inclusiveness.

• It was inevitable.... Starbucks has introduced the Chicken Sushi Burrito.
• Speaking of which, there are now calls for boycotting Starbucks, ESPN, and the NFL. Always ahead of trends, I have been boycotting them for a long time, just because I don't like their products.

Best wishes to affected parts of Texas during the flood. I hope your lives are property are ok.

• US Government Cybersecurity ranks 16th out of 18 industry sectors. This is an improvement over last year, when it ranked 18. Let this be a lesson to you people who say the US is capable of nothing.

Happy birthday to linux Linus Torvalds' baby. Here's an appropriate quote from Mikko Hypponen, of F-Secure: Linux distributions are really lacking in their support for some of the most common Windows software. For example, most malware won't work.

• In the continuing struggle of man's inhumanity to man, I find this most appropriate.

The majority of breaches are caused by unpatched software. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough. My friend's office got hit so badly, it took out the entire system, including years of data. Patch it. And stop clicking on every goddamn link you see.

• Hollywood has rushed to help Houston and it's heartwarming:
• Beyonce: Texas, you are in my prayers
• Kelly Rowland: Houston changed my life- everybody send out prayers for H-town
• Lady Antebellum: thoughts and prayers
• Ellen DeGeneres: the whole country is thinking of you
• Sheryl Crow: you are in my prayers
• Country music singer Chris Young donated $100,000
• let words and actions stand by themselves

The New Wave: Symbolic Protest

The Yale Graduate Student Union is holding a symbolic hunger strike. What's a symbolic hunger strike? Students can leave and get food when they're hungry.  This is likely to take off into a worldwide phenomenon. Personally I'm going to hold a symbolic sleepless protest, where I can go to bed when I'm tired.

• Hacking has taken on a whole new meaning. Somebody got hold of ten episodes of 'Orange is the New Black' and demanded a ransom from Netflix. Netflix refused and the hacker leaked the episodes. Before you ask, I do not have the location.

Australia is the land of animals you never want to see, no handguns, and privacy erosions the likes of which you also never want to see. They have a thrilling and incredibly sad legal framework in which they can get at least the metadata of all phone use, including VPN or encrypted information. Same in the US, actually. Metadata does not reveal what's in the message; it reveals FROM, TO, TIME, which comes in handy in investigations. Happy Day to all.

• Let's talk stats: 
• the majority of traffic came from the US and France
• the top browsers used were Chrome and Firefox
• the top operating systems were Windows and linux
• number of visits.... well... let's say that I appreciate you coming by

Speaking of brain cells, here are four hacks to grow your brain cells.  I'm particularly fond of number four, except where it says it improves cognitive functions in dementia. I'm not going to suggest this to my mother.

• Twas a good day to stay out of Texas today
• Dallas: EMT shot, manhunt happening
• Austin: UT-Austin, 4 stabbed, 1 dead, suspect in custody
• Sensitive College Student: I felt very unsafe when Campus Carry passed. Oops, this was a knife.

Our good friends at Faceyspaces used algorithms to collect data on 6.4 million Australian children under the age of 14, based upon their emotional state for targeted advertising. Leaping to accept responsibility, Faceyspaces says the use of the algorithm was an 'oversight'. There is a reason I refer to FB as the Front Page of the NSA. They got caught here... what else do you think is going on? What other data harvested? Who else marketed to? Please don't make me say I told you so.

• The NSA is ending its controversial warrantless surveillance program. This is spying - I mean surveillance on any communication that references a target outside the country. You believe them, right? They wouldn't lie to us, would they? They're completely above board, aren't they?

The Trump crowd is boycotting Starbucks due to the owner's actions. I boycott Starbucks because it sucks (Peet's for me). Last night we wanted to leave the domicile, as we are wont to do once a month. Barnes&Noble was the decision and they have a Starbucks in house. Since we do enjoy a frappucino now and then and since we went from 50 to 80+ degrees in a few days, this seemed like a good idea.

Well, right up til we sat down.

Almost immediately after we sat in the uncomfortable seats, I heard loud, urgent talking, which morphed into loud, urgent, constant whining. A child of tweenish age was complaining to some adult about her parents not letting her do anything. They sat down and it continued in its loud, urgent tone. At one point the adult told her to lower her voice, bless her, but it went right back up to the Kill Level. It seemed like she had some sort of psych issue and wasn't dealing well with limitations imposed by it. 

I'm trying to read a magazine to glean some information but had great difficulty due to the volume of her aural assault. My first thought was to take the Ironic Approach and go to her table to explain that my A.D.D. prevents me from reading when there is loud noise. Once in a while I manage to moderate myself, yearly, and I'm proud to say this was my effort for 2017. 

I didn't have much time until The Loud Couple appeared at a closer table and had a loud discussion about what kind of drinks were available, loudly questioning some of the flavors. Her loudness was the major irritant but it served to make his volume, and irritant level, that much louder.

Fortunately this calmed down, so Loud Child could become the Lone Irritant.

But not for long.

I heard very loud breathing next to me, as an older fellow, possibly missing a lung, and/or a heavy smoker, started rearranging the table. He pulled it out six inches from its original location, and started placing Stuff and napkins about the table. The breathing was very loud, and went breath, awhhhhhhh, breath, awhhhhh.

Meanwhile the child continued, with brief interruptions from the Loud Couple.

And in back of me, two loud students were flummoxed by the tables not being large enough, using their student brains to come up with pushing two tables together. They must have been engineering students. Mind you, there were two of them, plus a laptop, so with tables for four, I was unable to see an issue. Fortunately the debate raged no further.

I remember wondering if these people were raised in barns, by wolves.  I was taught to be considerate by a considerate mom, so when I go to places like this, I don't use my booming voice. Apparently I'm the only one. The only surprise was why a spontaneous basketball game or small heavy metal concert didn't break out while I was finishing my drink.








I had some killer pictures to upload, just to bring a smile or a frown. Unfortunately, something changed and I can no longer upload graphics or sometimes even log in, from about six browsers. Thanks guys!

I Swear that Blind Dude Was Starting at Me

None other than Bill Gates is supporting the FBI in its bid to force Apple to unlock an iPhone. Bill feels that since his operating system is full of holes, iDevices' must be also.

• Mars has recalled Mars and Snickers bars in Germany after bits of plastic are found. Production will be resumed after 'bits of plastic' are added to the ingredients information on the wrapper.

Charlotte, NC, has passed a law allowing transgender people to choose public bathrooms that correspond to their gender identity. I don't expect any issues with this, do you?

• A remote server, on by default, has been discovered in Comodo Gear. If you use Comodo browser, antivirus, or anything else, please replace it.

A man who legally changed his name to "Bacon Double Cheeseburger" has no regrets. Post-change shock and surprise: there was alcohol involved.

• A South Carolina policeman has been arrested for masturbating to cell phone porn in his car. 10-4.

Billion dollar San Francisco startup Zenefits has to ban smoking, drinking and having sex on premises. Employees leave now that all the benefits are gone.

• NO SPERM IS SAFE: Three women in Zimbabwe picked up a hitchhiker, forced him to have sex, then made off with his semen. Apparently the semen is used in traditional luck-enhancing 'juju' rituals. I think they have this all wrong: rape is not permissible. Make this a feature and men will line up for rides.

Black Lives Matter folks say supporting the Constitution is 'White Supremacy'.

• Starbucks is opening its first store in Italy.  They are not prepared for the building tremors caused by an entire country laughing.

Is porn addiction a real thing? It cannot be measured scientifically because scientists cannot find anyone who doesn't watch porn for the study.

• The foremerly repressed China is having a rather rapid sexual revolution. Premarital sex has gone from 15% to 71%. Sex-tourism might be a good idea after all.

The Unemployment Follies - Final: The Pets' Lament

Thanks for hanging in there with Thermionic Emissions through this most interesting time (all three of you).

As you might have noticed, this is the final installment of The Unemployment Follies.  This can mean a number of things: 1. I'm going to shoot myself (or someone else), 2. I somehow managed to become employed.  As amusing an idea of shooting would be, I'm going to have to go with number two; I somehow managed to become employed.

This blog is nothing if not logical.  Now follow this logic: as we know, I'm am information security guy. And as we've all read, there are tons of hacking incidents happening all over the place, each worse than the previous one. Therefore, there is a huge demand for security people, so I should get a job very quickly.  While this blog is logical, little outside of it is, thus the five month desperate search for a new position.

My wife is very supportive. She's been dealing with everything well but for some reason lately she's been reminding me (constantly) that I only have one month of unemployment compensation left. It's not that I didn't appreciate the rather frequent, panic-filled reminders, but I was somewhat well-acquainted with the impending date. No pressure, of course. Mowing lawns and McDonalds were starting to look good. And you know about my almost paralyzing fear of mowing. Not to mention my almost paralyzing fear of eating anything from McDonalds.

I started looking outside my specialty. Interviews started picking up. I spent hours each day looking for a job. My in-laws were holding prayer vigils outside the house at night, complete with candles that kept me up until daylight. The neighbor's children added me to their school's prayer list. Two people read my tarot cards and put me in a job before the end of the year. A friend said I was working way too hard and to simply ask for a new job within forty-eight hours, also writing it down on a piece of paper.

One, some, or all of the above held a conference, wherever these types of conferences are held and laid one on me. Within a few hours, someone called about a job. Within a week, I was provisionally hired. When I say provisionally, I mean that they have to do a little snooping around in my past. You're thinking that I'll be back on the unemployment rolls again, aren't you? I wish them luck - since I can't remember a bunch of it, perhaps they'll have better luck (and tell me a little about it). Hopefully neither of us will discover what I did with the bodies.


ADJUSTMENTS

There will have to be many adjustments made after me being home for such a long time. The ones affected most would be the poor pets.  Not that we weren't bonded well before this but now I have two quadrupeds almost physically attached to me all day.  Since I'm not exactly an athletic guy, this means there are two pets fighting for lap and sofa space all day. If one lays against my leg, the other one hops up on my lap. This is less than optimal, as there's usually a laptop there. The damn dog can do things I can't do on my laptop, with just one paw. I suspect my wife will have to take them through some sort of Pet De-Attachment Program. They won't know what to do without Daddy sitting around the house all day.

Inter-species same sex sibling relationships are the best.

The humans will have to make adjustments too, like having electricity and heat. Ok, more like having better chocolate and paying bills. I have a genuine fondness for paying bills. Well, maybe not a genuine fondness and maybe the wife pays the bills, but you get where I'm going with this.

Speaking of the little four-legged darlings, the cat has taken to peeing on a mat by the kitchen sink. Even after I've just gotten up, the mat does not resemble his litter box in any way, shape, or form. Now picture my sheer delight when washing the dishes, to discover I'm standing on a mat made wet by cat urine. Serves me right for not wearing shoes when I wash dishes. Or for having a lovely little furball who decided not to use his litter box that particular time.

The dog, not to be left out, has decided I take too much time to let him in from outside. Today I had to apologize for him having to bark twice before I let him in. I looked at the cat and asked him why he couldn't let his brother in - after all, he's a very bright cat. Of course he's bright... he gets ME to open the door.

THE BIG EVENT

Once in every decade or two comes an event so spectacular as to defy belief.  Yes, we started cleaning the house. Marshall was especially grateful for us removing all of the clutter that had deposited itself on the dining room chairs. This allowed him to use a chair as a step stool, gaining access to the table itself, whereupon he proceeded to eat the remaining half of a fresh cherry cheesecake. Let this serve as a lesson to each and every one of you: DO NOT CLEAN. EVER.


STARBUCKS

Most of you know Starbucks as a place to get overpriced, over-roasted coffee with a whole lotta smug appeal. Did you know it's also a great place for a sociology lesson?  Someone asked me to meet him there last week, in spite of my begging and pleading to go anywhere else, even Denny's.  While I waited in the parking lot, I observed the following:

• Some genius in an SUV pulls up to the NO PARKING HERE sign and parks (with a half-full parking lot).
• A BMW driver getting into his car with his double espresso half latte nonfat cream. He closes the door then opens it again and proceeds to pour out his old coffee onto the parking lot.
• A sixty-something with dyed black hair and boots so high she couldn't walk in them, attempting to navigate the lot and somehow open the door.
• Two more people spilling old coffee onto the lot.
• Several other people randomly inventing their own parking spaces, again with a half-full lot.

WESTERN UNION - WORSE THAN DENTISTRY

Speaking of paying bills, it became important to pay one bill immediately, as in now; and when I say now, I mean yesterday. I was advised to use Western Union, Moneygram or Wells Fargo. So I went online and did the transaction with Western Union. A day later, I realized that Western Union had not only not bothered to complete the transaction, they hadn't bothered to let me know they didn't complete the transaction.

So I called Western Union. Apparently the transfer was on hold. Apparently notifying me was on hold too. The nice non-English as a first language speaking fellow told me that it could not be completed. So I asked him why and he didn't know. Then he told me I could go into any Western Union office. I informed him that if I wanted to go into an office, I wouldn't have called him in the first place. He suggested I try online. I already tried online, using two operating systems and four browsers. Online help told me that people were having trouble online and to use the phone. Are you following me still?

He promises me a coupon. I don't want a coupon, I want him to put the damn transaction through. It was like the Cheese Shop sketch:

You are Western Union, right?

Yes, sir.

You send money, correct?

Yes, sir.

You have been around since long before I was born?

Yes, sir.

Are you telling me you can send money for everyone but me?

Well... let me check.  Ok, I checked and we can perform the transaction again. All I need is all of your information over again. And we're processing. And it has rejected again.

What has rejected - Western Union or the bank?

Western Union.

So you're telling me that Western Union cannot send money.

I didn't say that.

But you can't send my money.

You can try again but not for twenty four hours when our computers reset.

CLICK.

So I tried Moneygram online.  Oops, they don't have the correct receiver number - have to go to one of their locations. At their location I set up the payment, got my transaction number, went to the counter and POOF - they couldn't take credit cards for wire transfer.

My friend looked at me in wild-eyed wonder.

This morning I decided to go straight to Wells Fargo bank, as the money was being transferred to Wells Fargo anyway.  I called to make sure this was ok and off I went. After giving them cash, they took the opportunity to mention that the payment wouldn't post for up to three days. At this point my eyes were rolling like a slot machine. My ears were buzzing and the voices in my head were telling me to do things that were quite illegal, immoral and generally Not Nice.

The bank's staff were incredibly helpful and set out to find out how to let another division of Wells Fargo know that this division of Wells Fargo got a payment for them.  After another thirty minutes, we all discovered, to our shock and surprise, that it was faster to use Western Union or Moneygram than their own branch.

Since I will pull all of my own body hair out, one by one, before I visit Western Union, I opted for Moneygram. Within three minutes, the money had transferred. Two entire days to pay a bill by wire transfer. My brain hurts and there are still pieces of my cranium on the ceiling at Wells Fargo.

I'd like to close this merry missive with the words of the latest email I received:

Love the Monkees? Don't miss this!!!  

When I opened the email, it was an ad for an Aretha Franklin concert.

Reflections on a Three Day Weekend (and Nineteen Years)

I took Monday off to celebrate Valentine's Day, which some people might find odd, as today is Valentine's Day.  I prefer less fuss and the roses are cheaper.  Wife agrees, so be it.

But V-Day also happens to be our anniversary.  You see, we were married by Blue Cross of Pennsylvania, after I learned that my work plan would cover her.  We sent email to the families, mentioning that we were married.  It took almost five years before some of the relatives began to suspect we weren't making this up.

So this year makes nineteen.  The woman deserves a medal for putting up with me that long.

Saturday my band practiced for the last time before this weekend's show.  They pleasantly surprised me by learning to play certain songs correctly.  It's the little things with me.

Sunday we went to visit a friend.  Since it was positively frigid here in the frozen tundra of PA, we got some hot drinks for the ride.   There's a Starbucks in a supermarket: beggars can't be choosers.  I ordered a carmel macchiato and a white chocolate mocha.  My wife and I each tasted both and we were unable to tell which was carmel and which was white chocolate.  Kinda speaks for itself, doesn't it?

Monday found us at Barnes&Noble, dodging Kindle displays.  I didn't want anything to drink but that particular Starbucks advertised smoothies made with a banana.  I opted for chocolate.  My wife came back with a chocolate frappucino.  Why?  Because they were out of bananas.  Seems silly to advertise the drink on every flat surface (that doesn't already have a Kindle display) when you cannot produce it.  Maybe it's just me.  I've kinda had it with Starbucks.

Our main fun activity was a trip to the Camden Aquarium.  Camden is a study in extremes.  One one hand you have the waterfront area, with its stadium and aquarium.  On the other hand, you have the city with the most murders in the country, as well as the smallest amount of police.

New Jersey came up with some interesting ideas lately.  For instance, all bridges between PA and NJ are free going to NJ but you have to pay coming back.  I firmly believe that this is because after you've seen New Jersey, you'd pay anything to get back to PA and not bitch about the cost.  Very shrewd.

Along those lines, the signage coming off the bridges is pretty good.  It's when you're trying to get back that things get interesting.  Tiny little signs say TO THE BRIDGE and usually point in the wrong direction.  You're not going to get out of your car to ask directions either.  To their credit, the radically understaffed Camden Police Department maintains high visibility on what passes for roads in New Jersey.  They're probably there to ticket you after you attempt to follow their street signs.

My wife was most complimentary about Camden.  She stated that, for an armpit, the place was really clean.  It showed pride in the neighborhood(s).  Oddly enough, this is not the first time my wife made this observation.  We were on vacation in Los Angeles and took an unfortunate turn.  The map indicated we were in Compton.  She commented on how nice Compton looked.  The people there really took care of their homes and surrounding areas.  [Take note, Philthydelphia]

After locating the aquarium, we were less than enthused at having to pay ten dollars to park our car.  Institutionalized robbery, in its finest form.  The admission had gone up from seventeen to twenty five dollars - also less than impressive.  A review today at work prompted coworkers to tell their favorite aquarium stories.  Tales of being accosted for change in the parking lot, while trying to get children out of the car.

Speaking of robbery, the sodas were two-fifty.

But nothing prepared me for the three buses full of ill-behaved, screaming children that unloaded just as we were walking to the gate.  This used to be a running joke with us.  When we went to a restaurant, I always requested the no screaming children section.  On planes too.  A friend recently told me of her trip to a bookstore with a section of screaming children, officially referred to as the leftystrat section of the store.

The first attraction was a small pool with a rather ragged-looking shark of some sort that you could touch.  My heart went out to the poor lady talking over the p.a. about the shark and telling people to only touch with two fingers, as the shark was sensitive.  The conglomeration of little bastards and bastardettes, all seemingly without parental supervision of any kind, were doing everything but leaping in with the poor shark (whose length barely exceeded a foot).  This might be the first time anyone has ever felt sorry for a shark, but that's the kind of people we are.  I made an off-mic suggestion to the employee (valium lollypops), who seemed to approve vigorously.

No trip to New Jersey would be complete without genuine stereotypes; in this case, Housewives of New Jersey.  They probably weren't the actual housewives but perhaps their good friends.  You could tell as their casual outfits cost more than my car.  Ever see a BMW stroller?  I think I did.

We saw Mike the alligator.  He was the largest alligator we have ever seen.  The employees at the aquarium are extremely helpful and friendly.  When I asked if Mike tasted like chicken, she indicated that he probably did, as that was all he ate.  She proceeded to tell us about when she ate alligator.  Ten points for sense of humor.

We like penguins.  I like them because of Tux, the Linux Penguin.  My wife just thinks they're cute.  These penguins, however, seemed rather lethargic.  They were way more interested in the door backstage than in their exhibit, which I found oddly amusing.

We saw a pair of hippos.  I can't see a hippo without thinking of my cousin Betty, the rude, obnoxious slug of a woman with the social grace of Genghis Kahn.  After she discovers your name, she asks you what you do and how much you make.  My wife thought we were kidding when we prepped her for the inquisition but had to admit we prepped her well.  When my wife asked why the water was brown, I told her because this was Philly/New Jersey, where all water is brown.  Most people won't drink it.  Smart people won't even put their boats into it.  The locals refer to is a Schuylkyll Punch (SKOO-kill).

There's a really cool tube-shaped section that makes it appear as though you're walking through water.  The wildlife is swimming all around you.  We saw some sharks plus what can only be described as a Hedge-Trimmer Shark.  Just don't plug him in while he's in the water, ok?

A cynic like yours truly can't help noticing that the all exits lead through the gift shop.  More clever Jersey marketing, no doubt.

All that aside, we really like the aquarium.  It could be bigger but there's still a decent amount to see.  It is very easy to navigate, even for people with some physical handicaps.  If they can let us know when there will be no busloads of children, we might go back.  More than likely we'll take the drive to Baltimore, where I hear incredible things about their aquarium.  And it's twenty bucks to park.