Captivity - Day 62 Live by the Faceyspaces, Die by the Faceyspaces

Your new Apple devices have the Flying AIDS trackers in them, but it's ok - you have to opt in.  Yup - no problem there.

The sun continues to be uncovered by clouds, but I'm told it's a little nipply out there today.


Remember the barbershop in Michigan that got fined for opening?
They just had Operation Haircut, giving out free haircuts in protest.
If you'll close your eyes and drift across continents, to North Korea, you will remember everybody getting haircuts like their leader. Do you want that sort of thing here?


A Mississippi church that sued on virus restrictions just burned down.
Either God or the arsonist does not like the odds.


Sideways related to the Flying AIDS is down there in Australia, the dolphins miss the tourists, who used to line up to feed them. The dolphins have started to bring 'gifts' ashore, including sponges, barnacle-covered bottles, and fragments of coral.  So long and thanks for all the fish.


Idiot Governor tweets about a great PA citizen on twitter, immediately gets deluged by people unhappy with his 'progress' and handling of the Second Amendment. I'm so proud.


The new White House Press Secretary said God and prayer made Trump President. She also said, "Hey - let's dress as the KKK and run through the NAACP meeting!"  Regardless of whether you believe her or not, this is a hell of a way to start her White House career.

Since science, medicine, and especially politicians have absolutely no idea about the Flying AIDS, here are some materials brought by as a potential cure:

• styrofoam
• canned air
• sleeping pills
• cat hairballs
• nose hair trimmers
• old cell phones
• monkey feces
• used band aids
• frog penis
• well-mannered social media posters

Close That Window When the Boss Walks By

Most people hate Mondays.

Some people hate their jobs.
I'm an exception (as usual).
Last night I logged into work to check something and also answered an email from The Boss.
Within a few minutes, The Boss thanked me for answering so quickly, but drove home that there is absolutely no requirement to answer mail outside of my hours.
This is why I love my job (and The Boss).

• The maximum penalty for importing bear bile into Australia is $100,000.
• this will be on the quiz

Dear lefty:

• Do you have a middle name?
• Yes

RUN - don't walk
To see the epic, the show stopping, the viral...
The Empire Strips Back - A Star Wars Burlesque Parody

Somewhere, in a dark place, a sociologist has blown his head off.

• It's not that I've spent a lot of time watching Monty Python, but I remembered a line that started, "Yeah, alright." I'm sure this qualifies as some sort of emotional disturbance.

Speaking of remakes, 20th Century Squirrel presents Catharine the Great, featuring members of her family you might not know about: her mother, Magnolia the Somewhat Less than Great, her father, Herbert Who Put the Fun in Funeral, and her brother, Ivan the Terrible.

• The dog's breath has been suspiciously minty fresh for a few days. Apparently she has a stash of Life Savers somewhere in the house.

Ah, the good old days, when you had to really try to shut down your airport. You pretty much couldn't do it pre-TSA. Now all you need is a drone, or in the case of South Carolina, a naked lady running around the terminal. I'm not entirely sure what kind of risk a naked lady represents, but I guess it can't hurt to be at the airport when she makes her move.

• Baked beans on toast? Toast with only one side toasted?
• Remind me not to be British.

Hey - do you use VFEmail email?
You probably don't anymore.
In an unprecedented event, a hacker got into the system and deleted everything, reformatting the servers. Not satisfied, they also got the backups. The owner seems unlikely to start back up from scratch. As of now, some can log in and use the service, but all historical data is gone. What kind of person......

• When you take the test for your pilot's license, do you have to parallel park?

Dear lefty:

• Should I collect trolls?
• Perhaps collecting anthrax would be better for you.

When you're in a restaurant or getting on a plane, ask for the No Screaming Baby section.
I made the mistake of forgetting this the other night. Our favorite restaurant for our anniversary. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.  WAAAAHH.  SCREEEEECH!

I know now that you cannot assault the child. It's much more fun to go after the parent.
I asked the waiter if he'd throw drinks on them for a $20. He said he'd do it for $5.
Constant shrieking. Parents completely oblivious. Somebody took matters in their own hands and tried to out-yell the baby, momentarily interrupting the Screech Tirade. It worked (for approximately 20 seconds). Finally one of the parents was properly motivated (embarrassed) and took the child outside, looking none too happy. I heard applause, but it was muted applause. You know, cuz we're civilized or some such shit.

He makes a point..

Jimmy Page Reads This

*no he doesn't.



More Faceyspaces Fallout:

In April 2015, Six4Three sued Facebook, claiming that Facebook’s sudden yanking of access rendered both the app and the company itself “worthless.”

They could have saved a lot of time and money by asking me. I knew FB was worthless years ago.  Read 'em and weep.

• The Secret Service is testing facial recognition at the White House. So make sure you put on your happy face when you visit. Also make sure it's the same face as on your drivers license; that's probably got facial recognition built in too.

Canada's 1-800-FLOWERS got eaten by Magecart malware. If you need flowers, dial 1-800-MAGECART or 1-800-WERE-SCREWED.

• Apparently I missed when the Universe started screaming for a(nother) Grinch movie. Since nature abhors a vacuum, Hollywood obliged them. What's this - number 3? I remember laughing when I was a miniscule irritant. Now that I'm a much taller and rounder irritant, I am not amused.

Just when we thought the US couldn't get any sillier in government cybersecurity, we learn Japan's deputy chief of government cybersecurity strategy has never used a computer.  Next week I am starting a new job as US Minister of Dance.

• Just two days after the Starwood/Marriott breach, there are already two class action suits. Never let it be said that our legal system is slow and not helpful.
• One of the suits states that the 'unauthorized sharing' is still going on.

Every now and then interviewers ask interviewees (because it would be stupid to ask their parents) about their guilty pleasures. I don't have any. I do have some interests that people might find.... odd. We know of my Monkees thing. I've also recently discovered The Scorpions. This is proof of my astute observational abilities (the band was formed in 1965). It took me almost as long to realize the gentlemen are from Germany and have a bit of an accent (told you I was fast). "Here we go again, all the weeeee from the stot." It's kinda funny listening to their between song banter. But seriously, listen to a few of their songs. The recording is excellent, the songs well written, and Klaus the Singer has a pretty wide range. Not bad for heavy metal. Check out Still Lovin You, for one.  They don't need me - they've sold over 110 million records, but I won't let either of those facts deter me.

Next month: The Bangles.  Just kidding.

• United Airlines has a new phone app. It doesn't do anything for you, but it uses your phone's processing power to help keep their computer system up. In exchange, they promise not to drag you, kicking and screaming, off their planes.

HEADLINE:  "Golden Globes shatters diversity record: 4 of 10 best picture nominees have non-white directors"

Dad?

Yes, son.

What is a diversity record?

It's a round black thing that makes no noise because no one could agree on which grooves to cut in it.

Is this the stuff Mom told you not to talk to me about?

No, son.

So what is it?

What is what?

What is a diversity record?

Oh, that. It's an imaginary list.

Why?

That's a good question, boy.

Are you going to tell me or do I have to tell Mom about your secretary blowing you up by your nozzle?

I was just getting to it, my little darling. There have been movies forever. Recently a bunch of people got upset because not enough black and other people won any awards.

But doesn't a movie have to be good to win?

That was the theory, yes.

So now it has to be made by the right color or country?

Something like that, yes.

Why?

Hey, how about some ice cream?

Mom says you're disracktin me.

Moms... are a special breed.

If I complain that there aren't enough movies made by kids, will there be more movies made by kids?

No, it doesn't work that way.

Oh, you mean they're exploiting collective guilt.

How do you know about exploiting collective guilt?

I watch MTV.

Oh.

Dad, what was it like before the awards shows got racist?

How do you figure they're racist?

Well, because people are more concerned with putting their race up top than making cool movies.
Son...
Yes, Dad?

Go ask your mom if we had a really smart mailman about ten years ago...

Dear lefty

• reader Steve Steve, who's threatening to go elsewhere, asks why this blog has so much content.
• Dear 'Steve': because your penis is so small.

Tumbler has banned nudity.
Kneejerk response: you can't ban nudity!
lefty kneejerk response: private company, they have that right
lefty from miles above conspiracy kneejerk response: 

Obviously this is yet another Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Ok, a bit dramatic.
Obviously this is another move toward censorship of ideas and consolidation of information, influence, and power. Let's forget about nudity for a moment, as if that were possible. Tumbler states that the topic of bad weather will no longer be permitted. This will stop the common Tumbler user from discussing how bad the weather has become. Meanwhile, Tumbler continues to push out good weather news and their climate change agenda. Now Tumbler users wind up getting their (happy only climate change) weather news from Tumbler. Tumbler has decided what you will read.

You are absolutely free to get your news anywhere else, but numbers show most people won't - they'll stay on Tumbler. Tumbler helps create the narrative, along with other sites that coincidentally just put the same policy in place. You'll have to look harder to find the truth, and it likely won't appear on highly regarded sites.

If I were a Tumblerer, I'd have my words seen by Manglement long ago. Having been overruled, I'd go elsewhere. My Tumbler would contain no nudity, like my blog, but what will they get away with banning after nudity? And let's face it - you don't want to see me naked. This might be why they terminated nudity.

I don't visit Tumbler. I have no direct stake in this, except for the big one: free speech. You have a stake in this too.



Having absolutely no relation to the above, Australia just enacted a draconian spying law, requiring law enforcement back doors in everything. There is simply no excuse for this, even a completely asleep populace. It passed so quickly and with so little debate, it might have been called the Patriot Act. PEOPLE - you need to wake up. This is one of the 5 Eyes nations, that spies on all data worldwide.

Here's an article on Powerful Morons making powerfully moronic statements on encryption and privacy. One of them is probably yours....



It's 1967 and you've been waiting for Cream to release their next album. The first thing you hear is Sunshine of Your Love. Within days, Jimi Hendrix was on the Lulu Show (don't ask). He got through most of Hey Joe, then stopped and dedicated the next song to Eric Clapton, Ginger Baker, and Jack Bruce - Cream. He played Sunshine of Your Love. He also ran way over his time, causing the producers grief. Rock and Roll, Baby!

From my reading, the top musicians were pretty friendly, and frequently went out to see each other. They were flummoxed and really worried by Jimi, including Jeff Beck and Eric Clapton. I wonder what they were thinking when they heard their song coming from a backwards Stratocaster through a Marshall half stack, with this wild man playing. Pride and horror?



Dear lefty

• occasional reader-by-mistake Steve Goldgold (deceased), says he's very funny and would like to write some stuff for ThermionicEmissions
• Dear Vonnegut: send us some samples of your writing. We're out of toilet paper.

The Phone Chain:

Captain Obvious says Phone Stuff has changed a lot over the years.
What changed between voicemail and voicemail with cell phones?

Why do parents go batshit when they call and get voicemail?

Mom calls Wife.
Mom gets her voicemail.
Mom calls landline.
Mom gets other voicemail.
Mom doesn't know I have landline ring once before voicemail.
Neither does Wife.
When Wife reads this, I may not be able to type for a while....
Not satisfied with two voicemails, Mom calls me. At work.

"Hi, I didn't mean to bother you," (then why are you bothering me?) "where is Wife?"
I'm going to take a wild guess and say at home.
"She's not answering her phone."
I'm going to take another wild guess and say she's sleeping.
"Cuz I needed to talk to her."
Would you like me to drive an hour home to check?
"Oh no, that's not necessary. I don't want to bother you at work."
Then why are you bothering me at work? Did you leave a message?
"No"
Ah, you should try leaving a message, so if she finds her phone, she'll know you called.
"How's your day?"
Great, thanks for calling. Love you, Mom.


It's like Panic.

Don't feel bad, Mom.. I can't get her either.
Wife: You're going to the store, ok. I'll keep my phone with me.
Me: Yeah, that'll happen.
Wife: See, I have it.
Me: Yes, but it won't make a difference when I call it.

an hour later, I dial because I need something...

Landline: goes to voicemail
Cell: the owner of this number cannot answer and the voicemail box is full. Up yours. click.
Me: *(#%&@!___@#$#

home

Wife: [snore]
Me: I hate to wake you but WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER THE (*#&@#ING PHONES?
Wife: Ngfffnntp
I could implant a beeper up her butt and there would still be a reason she didn't know I called.

No, she is not deliberately ignoring me; especially when I'm out getting jewelry.

keep your mind on... ummmm.... yes

Male Pattern Baldness - the Band

I always wanted to call my band Male Pattern Baldness. For some reason, everyone else in the band refused. It wasn't so much a refusal as the physical reaction guys get when you mention getting kicked in the nuts. I had other names too... those merely got ignored.

• Today was a sign. An omen. The sun was out. As surprising as that was, it was forecast to be out. Something's up. Watch the skies.

Technology Time

Think about the march of technology. The things written in science fiction that are ordinary today. A wireless cell phone that replaces tons of physical utilities. This has created a mountain of useless things that kids born within the last 20 years have never seen, like:


a telephone booth, 45rpm adapter, library, a heavy mechanical phone doubling as a weapon, records, 8 track and cassette tapes, CDs, movies in grubby theaters or from a tape at home for $99, movie rentals, over the air tv with channel numbers, dialup internet, modems, leaded gas, land yacht cars, tuneups with spark plugs and wires, radios operated by a knob attached to a string, round clocks with hands, bigass computers with DOS, Windows 95/98/XP, printer ribbons, parallel cables, floppy discs, 286/386/486 computer chips, round  DIN computer plugs for accessories, adding port and other cards to computers, clean air, the US military in only a few countries, wireless phones, phone lines, busy signals, phones without Caller ID, large speakerphones that clipped off parts of words, answering machines, avocado green/harvest gold, huge wooden console stereos and tvs, black and white tvs with 6" screens, clothesline, washboard, wringer clothes washer, percolator coffeemaker, Lincoln Logs, board games, typewriters, paper notebook, newspapers, heating leftovers on the stove, wired or clicky remote controls, bra stores not carrying lingerie, computers plugged in to routers, written letters with postage stamps, pencils, sex without taking video, 16 year old virgins, verbal only gossip, walking anywhere, sitting quietly, having friends over and talking, smoking on airplanes, only charging things at home, C and D batteries, Radio Shack, only one type of condoms (that you shamefully asked for), cold medicine on open shelves, expensive heroin, soda in gallons, large tires with small wheels, floor-switched high beams, revving the engine to keep the car from stalling, stalling after running over a puddle, bench car seats, station wagons, metal in cars, starting your car with keys, protests against war, square computer monitors, $15 commercial-free cable, ice cube trays, porn magazines, door to door salesmen (non-religious), telling someone off without using the f- word, turn signals, generous employer paid pensions, no copays for anything, bicycles (without helmets), humongous analog reel to reel recording machines, community bulletin boards with 3x5 cards and push pins, Pong, hooking up vcrs and game boxes to the tv, tv antennas, amateur radio/CB, paying cash only for a doctor visit, milk trucks, malls with all kinds of stores and no food court, head shops, malts, drive in movies, handwriting, record stores, guitar solos, music without dancers, full albums played on the radio, radio stations doing whatever they wanted, giggling at gays and transsexuals, humor, walking up steps to get in a plane, liquids/pocketknives/scissors/guns and showing up right before the plane takes off, made in America, jobs for life, college degrees worth more than toilet paper, farms, tollbooth you throw change at, telethons, tv free of feminine products/pharmaceuticals/bladder leakage underwear that's actually pretty, dick jokes that didn't say dick, courtesy, really really stupid phones and tvs, bag and Beam Me Up Scotty phones, pay by minute long distance and cell, fixing electrical things yourself, Tab diet soda, whole milk, paying with cash, police showing up after you call, 2 prong outlets and plastic adapters with a little wire hanging out, Elmer's glue and paste, crayons, never hearing the word 'cunnilingus', waiting for the tv to warm up, unfinished basements, standalone stereos, mono records, head cleaning kits, record brush and fluid, record crates, posters, concert tickets, crystal scanners that could hear phones, soldering irons, neighborhood stores, guitar stores, weather that makes sense, baking cake from scratch, stereos over 1 watt, excitement of hearing the first time anyone said 'ass' on tv, beholding Sipowicz's ass, those little angular car windows in front of the main window, manual windows and door locks, real spare tires, AM/FM radios only, sneaking into Dad's special drawer, 8 or 16mm projectors, waking early on Saturday to watch cartoons, phones without hash or asterisk keys, the joy of sex (the book), record sleeves and foldouts with information, the brown acid, cleaning your pot on record jackets, products designed to last for more than a few months,



It's National Scrapple Day.
Scrapple is a Philly 'delicacy' which is essentially a meatlike substance made from (drum roll, please) scraps. Ponder that for a minute.

I try not to hate stuff before I try it, but the smell of whatever it is cooking is enough to keep mosquitos off your arm in the summer. Wife loves it. This is convenient because she'll never have to worry about me eating hers. In fact, it can sit in the fridge for six years, untouched, with all sorts of new and interesting growths, some speaking languages we've never heard before. I'm kidding - it can sit there for years, undisturbed: you can't distinguish ''fresh' scrapple from six year old scrapple. Philly is better known for soft pretzels and cheesesteaks... you're much safer with either.

• The FBI issued an alert in September due to the increase of attacks via Remote Desktop Protocol.
• This should never happen in a professional environment because you don't leave the Remote Desktop Protocol port open. It's like leaving your back door unlocked: burglars have to look for it, but they can walk right in. It's ok inside your network but not toward the internet.
• Home users are dependent entirely on their cable modems and routers. If they're not set to block by default (they should be), it's up to the user to get in there and close (everything). Anybody recommending this port be used to get to your computer from the internet should be shot, then sent to rudimentary computer school. If you need to remotely operate another computer in your house, it's relatively safe, assuming it's blocked at the router.

Between A.D.D., blurry vision, drugs, and a hyperactive dog, we can never find anything. The running joke is 'staple it to your forehead' so you know where it is and will be reminded. This fails because even the best of us run out of forehead space. This causes a clutter problem, and we're right back where we started.

• In my house, there's a place for everything. Unfortunately it changes daily.

Hack the Air Force 3.0 is happening soon, wherein 191 countries are invited to hack. Among those countries aren't China, Russia, Iran, or North Korea.  Sure, keep out the guys who have proven they can do it.  When this contest is over, the AF will pay bug bounties. They will also spend 8 months cleaning up the damage from unforeseen hacks:

• latrine doors won't open
• planes will confuse Up with Down
• refrigerators will report directly to China
• flushing a toilet issues the command to bomb North Korea
• Mr and Mrs Bob Winglehocker, of Bumfukt, Arkansas, will be awakened by surprise, after the AF computer orders a 1,001 person AF banjo cookoff and crossdressing cabaret held at their house.

Speaking of crossdressers, we're post midterm elections and nothing has burned. Yet.

• Dear lefty: Phil Poos asks if there are Portuguese Jews.
• Yes.

Somebody, who shall remain nameless, spilled sugar on the carpet. Someone else, who shall also remain nameless, was asked to vacuum it up. This particular someone forgot. No problem, as Vacuum 2 was activated: the dog found it and cleaned it up beautifully. The only issue was that when she was done, her snout looked like she was a coke addict. No one got a picture and the dog got no more hyper or otherwise dangerous. We just have to be very careful around her with cookies.

• There are a ton of operating system and app updates available. Please install them immediately: Windows is full of holes and so is anything from Adobe.
• RELATED: a MS update breaks Calendar and Mail on Windows 10 phones. THERE ARE WINDOWS 10 PHONES? It's the end times.

Since the new way of eating, I've cut way down on my chocolate intake. I've gone from 24/7 to once a day. Not at all coincidentally, I've felt like Advanced Death since around the time I started. Always supportive, my wife bought one of those absolutely humongous bags of mixed candy. This will truly test my will. I will lose spectacularly.

• I am just like everyone else: I put my pants on three legs at a time.

Much to no one's surprise, Penny is the second dog who would rather nap with his mom than hang out with his dad. Last night his mom heated pizza and put it on the arm of the sofa. Penny promptly pulled a piece onto the floor and started to eat it. This displeased dad loudly.  I am certain that she will not do that again. At least until the next time there's pizza on the couch.

• Dear lefty: reader Phyllis Moostache asks if dogs have buttocks.
• Yes.

My coworkers would be disappointed if they didn't hear me say 'I hate Microsoft' at least once a day. They are rarely disappointed. If you're burdened with Office 2016, you know that every meeting invitation automatically gets added to your calendar. Since my company runs on meetings, I have a calendar full of useless meetings (yes, all meetings are useless). I asked Microsoft Help, which isn't. An internet search indicated that it was designed this way on purpose.  One can 'filter' it, which still adds the meeting, but makes it a lighter shade.  I hate Microsoft. MAKE IT OPTIONAL, children of HERR GATES. 

Or, as Ben Stern used to say to little Howard, "I told you not to be stupid, you moron."

• If you missed it, there was a 'small glitch' in the internet, causing Google traffic to be routed through Russia, China, and Nigeria. I'm not the only one amused by this, but it was attributed to a 'misconfiguration' by a Nigerian internet provider.  Sure... blame the black guys.
• Does it bother anybody else that a single internet provider in China Nigeria can hijack traffic through a misconfiguration? Let's do Faceyspaces traffic next! But seriously, folks... this is the way it was designed, back when the most hostile people on the net were college students.

While having a blast at Faceyspaces' expense, their employees are surveyed twice a year about their sentiment and happiness. Last month showed 52% were optimistic about Faceyspaces' future, down a hair (32%) from 84% the prior year.  Unrelated: according to the Wall Street Journal, the leading Barbie Doll enthusiast magazine, the stock price was headed in this direction too.

Is this supposed to be a funny story? I'm laughing hysterically.

• a US panel warned against government purchase of Chinese technology. Gee, really?  How long has ThermionicEmissions been saying this? It's just common sense (which explains why it hasn't been followed).
• Wild guess: in WWII, the Allies didn't buy German technology.

The happy news is that "The fear and uncertainty generated by surveillance inhibit activity more than any action by the police." No, wait, did I say happy? It's a good read.

One of the hallmarks of good customer service (who cares) is not simply saying no - it's providing a workable alternative. I already have - you're just not reading. How's that for customer service? 

No, wait.. it means you really need to consider doing things as safely as possible. Use duckduckgo for searches, because it doesn't track you. Get rid of anything Google, Yahoo, Faceyspaces, Instagram, etc, including email. Set up at least 2 email accounts: one for important stuff and one for junk. Use a decent, encrypted email service like Protonmail (free for basic). Use https for every web connection (or use an extension like HTTP Everywhere, which will do it automatically for you). This will sound weird, but use cash for all transactions. Not only will it protect privacy, your card won't get skimmed or stolen. In the name of all that's holy, don't use free wifi without a VPN. Or don't use it at all. 

Turn your cell phone's wifi off when you leave your house. If you can't remember, a program called Macrodroid can be set to do it for you.

• Several Australian universities have BANNED sarcasm because it's a "form of violence." I'd be thrown in jail for several lifetimes.
• Professor - he hit me with sarcasm and I need a safe room, with puppies.
• The stupid continues, and it's overwhelming.

Speaking of good customer service, a Cryptopay user was denied a password change, so he did the only thing a responsible adult could: mailed them a bomb. Fortunately no one was hurt. The package sat around for five months before someone got around to almost opening it. The sender had a bit of a criminal history, including sending a bit of the old white powder to lawmakers. It turned out to be coke and the lawmakers dropped all charges. Just because I made that up doesn't mean it didn't happen.

• You're going to be shocked.... One Million Kids Tracker Watches were deemed unsafe because any old hacker can access them, allowing them access to your child's location and pictures. Not that you don't post that on Faceyspaces anyway....
• Imagine something called a Tracker Watch becoming a tracker....

So how about the personalized concert lineup the ticket people sent this week?
Jon Bellion's coming! Who the hell is Jon Bellion? Iron Maiden, which is at least close to my wheelhouse. Pink. Pink? I'm starting to think this personalized lineup thing is a lie.  Jeff Lynne's ELO - dammit - they finally got one!  While I know who Lindsey Buckingham is, there's also DAWES. Is this what people from Boston use to get into a house? Seinfeld!!!! God, I hate Seinfeld, although I know who he is. Who are these comedians...  who aren't funny? Kris Kristofferson. The man's multitalented. Trailer Park Boys? I don't know who they are, but I read they're now on the FBI terror list. They must have said something nasty to someone at some time. As a Ron Paul voter, I was on the list too. Let's not leave Sebastian Maniscalco off the list. Remember: you can get free innoculations against Sebastian Maniscalco at your local pharmacy for no copay. It's pretty damn serious, which is why the FBI is encouraging you take the shot. St. Paul and the Broken Bones are also coming. It sounds almost like my previous musical comedy act: we were so bereft of rhythm and grace, that there were inevitably broken bones. Galactic ft. Erica Falls will also grace our area. It would be more efficient to call themselves Galactic Falls, but either way, I'd have no idea who they are and no desire to spend my hard-earned money.  Mumford and Sons. Hmmm.. we know all about them. Banjos. Interbreeding. I can't even type the name without breaking out in laughter. 98 Degrees... sounds like a really HOT act (I apologize profusely for that). Last but perhaps least, The Noise Presents Nothing More. I have no idea, but the idea of Nothing More in the way of Noise sounds wonderful. When I get famous, people will be taking shots at me too.

Just Paying Additional Shipping and Handling

Yesterday I hit the Daily Double, when power and cable went out, one after the other. Today only the cable went out. But I am not worrying, as Comcast has their Best People on it.

Let this serve as inspiration to you, that if cable internet/tv is important to you, you have some sort of Uninterruptible Power Supply (UPS), aka Battery Backup. They are available in many ratings and packages. Some newer Comcast and FIOS installations have a battery backup for their service.Plug in all your devices you want to continue working in event of power outage: cable modem, router, wireless, laptops, chargers, etc. These will protect you in the event of power outage, but not cable outage.

• When asked, "Won't the laws of mathematics trump the laws of Australia?", the prime minister replied, "The laws of mathematics are very commendable, but the only law that applies in Australia is the law of Australia." Next up: Australia enacts law against gravity.

Jet, the online retailer bought by Walmart last year, has struck a deal with smart access provider Latch in an effort to make deliveries easier for its customers in urban areas. What this means is that deliveries can make it past the main joint door and tenants can allow the delivery in from their cell phones. Oh yeah, access will also be granted to all of Jet's business partners will automatically get access. What could possibly go wrong?

• It's World Emoji Day. Emergency Rooms across the world are on alert for people slitting their wrists and taking huge amounts of any kind of pills they have around the house. This blog is and will always remain, 100% Emoji-Free.
• Bulletin: cancer cured.

The people whose information got stolen from Ashley Madison, the cheaters' website, are eligible for up to $3,500, via a $11.2 million settlement. Not that readers of ThermionicEmissions would need this information...

• Finally, a Mac item I can get behind. Unfortunately you cannot make use of it without iTunes and the iPencil.

The FBI has warned parents that Internet of Things toys could present a safety and privacy risk.  You're kidding. No, really - the FBI wasted no time in jumping on this matter to keep you safe. After all - it's for the children! 

Seriously.. a federal agency, so far beyond things that they are just getting around to issuing an alert on IoT-connected toys. How long have I been warning you about this? When it implodes, which it will, it will give me no pleasure to say "I told you so."  Ok, maybe a little.

• Apparently the Hollywood Bowl gave up wood from its seats. Fender is making guitars out of the wood at $12,000 each. That's a little steep for most of us, and of questionable value (and tone) for those who can afford one. Perhaps they need a clever ad campaign:
• Monty Python may have blown their nose at it
• the wood was very wet when the Beatles played
• Hendrix burned an entire row ($20k extra for the burnt wood model)
• Jim Morrison had sex in the first row (with himself), right before the police showed up
• I'm a natural ad man, aren't I?

The secret to self-driving cars is to drive them yourself.

• Does Steve Harvey shout out the wrong name in bed?

I really like tying my wife up. Sometimes we have sex.

• Toasters are a cruel joke, played upon us by the Bread Lobby. I put my bread in, like any normal person, and set it to medium. When it's done, it becomes apparent that the toaster and I are not in agreement about what constitutes medium. I think medium is defined as starting to turn brown. Toaster thinks medium is kinda warm. But only on odd-numbered days. Regardless, I get frustrated and put the semi-toast back in. At this point, no matter how I set it, the toast is coming out black - there's simply no way to avoid this. I've tried old toasters, new toasters, and toaster ovens, all with the same results. So if I'm still in a Toast Mood, I have start over again, with new bread, enriching the Bread Industry.

The New Wave: Symbolic Protest

The Yale Graduate Student Union is holding a symbolic hunger strike. What's a symbolic hunger strike? Students can leave and get food when they're hungry.  This is likely to take off into a worldwide phenomenon. Personally I'm going to hold a symbolic sleepless protest, where I can go to bed when I'm tired.

• Hacking has taken on a whole new meaning. Somebody got hold of ten episodes of 'Orange is the New Black' and demanded a ransom from Netflix. Netflix refused and the hacker leaked the episodes. Before you ask, I do not have the location.

Australia is the land of animals you never want to see, no handguns, and privacy erosions the likes of which you also never want to see. They have a thrilling and incredibly sad legal framework in which they can get at least the metadata of all phone use, including VPN or encrypted information. Same in the US, actually. Metadata does not reveal what's in the message; it reveals FROM, TO, TIME, which comes in handy in investigations. Happy Day to all.

• Let's talk stats: 
• the majority of traffic came from the US and France
• the top browsers used were Chrome and Firefox
• the top operating systems were Windows and linux
• number of visits.... well... let's say that I appreciate you coming by

Speaking of brain cells, here are four hacks to grow your brain cells.  I'm particularly fond of number four, except where it says it improves cognitive functions in dementia. I'm not going to suggest this to my mother.

• Twas a good day to stay out of Texas today
• Dallas: EMT shot, manhunt happening
• Austin: UT-Austin, 4 stabbed, 1 dead, suspect in custody
• Sensitive College Student: I felt very unsafe when Campus Carry passed. Oops, this was a knife.

Our good friends at Faceyspaces used algorithms to collect data on 6.4 million Australian children under the age of 14, based upon their emotional state for targeted advertising. Leaping to accept responsibility, Faceyspaces says the use of the algorithm was an 'oversight'. There is a reason I refer to FB as the Front Page of the NSA. They got caught here... what else do you think is going on? What other data harvested? Who else marketed to? Please don't make me say I told you so.

• The NSA is ending its controversial warrantless surveillance program. This is spying - I mean surveillance on any communication that references a target outside the country. You believe them, right? They wouldn't lie to us, would they? They're completely above board, aren't they?

The Trump crowd is boycotting Starbucks due to the owner's actions. I boycott Starbucks because it sucks (Peet's for me). Last night we wanted to leave the domicile, as we are wont to do once a month. Barnes&Noble was the decision and they have a Starbucks in house. Since we do enjoy a frappucino now and then and since we went from 50 to 80+ degrees in a few days, this seemed like a good idea.

Well, right up til we sat down.

Almost immediately after we sat in the uncomfortable seats, I heard loud, urgent talking, which morphed into loud, urgent, constant whining. A child of tweenish age was complaining to some adult about her parents not letting her do anything. They sat down and it continued in its loud, urgent tone. At one point the adult told her to lower her voice, bless her, but it went right back up to the Kill Level. It seemed like she had some sort of psych issue and wasn't dealing well with limitations imposed by it. 

I'm trying to read a magazine to glean some information but had great difficulty due to the volume of her aural assault. My first thought was to take the Ironic Approach and go to her table to explain that my A.D.D. prevents me from reading when there is loud noise. Once in a while I manage to moderate myself, yearly, and I'm proud to say this was my effort for 2017. 

I didn't have much time until The Loud Couple appeared at a closer table and had a loud discussion about what kind of drinks were available, loudly questioning some of the flavors. Her loudness was the major irritant but it served to make his volume, and irritant level, that much louder.

Fortunately this calmed down, so Loud Child could become the Lone Irritant.

But not for long.

I heard very loud breathing next to me, as an older fellow, possibly missing a lung, and/or a heavy smoker, started rearranging the table. He pulled it out six inches from its original location, and started placing Stuff and napkins about the table. The breathing was very loud, and went breath, awhhhhhhh, breath, awhhhhh.

Meanwhile the child continued, with brief interruptions from the Loud Couple.

And in back of me, two loud students were flummoxed by the tables not being large enough, using their student brains to come up with pushing two tables together. They must have been engineering students. Mind you, there were two of them, plus a laptop, so with tables for four, I was unable to see an issue. Fortunately the debate raged no further.

I remember wondering if these people were raised in barns, by wolves.  I was taught to be considerate by a considerate mom, so when I go to places like this, I don't use my booming voice. Apparently I'm the only one. The only surprise was why a spontaneous basketball game or small heavy metal concert didn't break out while I was finishing my drink.








I had some killer pictures to upload, just to bring a smile or a frown. Unfortunately, something changed and I can no longer upload graphics or sometimes even log in, from about six browsers. Thanks guys!

Anal Probing by Illegal Aliens

Australia has many scenic views and an endless supply of deadly fauna. Australia also has female traffic light signals. Not to be outdone, London's Trafalgar Square has gay marriage-celebrating signals. Because the government has already cured cancer and has some time on its hands. But it gets better - Australia's Minister for Women said that it would make public space more inclusive of women. Because women felt they couldn't cross the street before this?

• Many police departments across the country are maintaining their own DNA databases.  The ACLU is suing San Diego over warrantless collection of DNA of a minor without parental consent. Apparently this process allows police to skirt state and federal laws about who they can collect from and how long the samples can be retained. Loopholes are magnificent, aren't they?

Stop what you are doing this very minute and watch Star Trek - Libertarian Edition.

• Just in case you were bored today, the latest Wikileaks is most interesting. It concerns the CIA and its spying/hacking army. Among other things, how malware can turn androids, iDevices, Windows computers, smart cars, and smart TVs into listening devices. Yeah, I'm tinfoil hat. Yeah, I made it all up and this release is just coincidental fiction.

If there's one thing I learned in my life so far, it's that I'm not that good at mornings.

• Faceyspaces has a program to report and remove images of child abuse (that haven't already been removed). Journalist reports child abuse images. Faceyspaces reports him to the police. Don't. Use. Faceyspaces.
• In other news, Faceyspaces plans to update its algorithms to "listen" for people who are in danger of suicide (warning - FB.com link). This is a refreshing change from listening for people who are in danger of not being accurately marketed to in a targeted fashion. No word yet on who this data will be sold to.

On International Women's Day, we celebrate women and their contributions. We also note that women are taking off work to celebrate and march in parades; thus nullifying their input for the day. This is akin to everyone taking off work on Labor Day. We also eagerly anticipate International Left-Handers' Day.

• Reaction to the Wikileaks CIA spying story has been swift for cell phone OSes. Based upon vpn use, antivirus manufacturer F-Secure has stated that 80% of iDevice users have the latest OS; they tend to update quickly. The outlook is not so good for android users, because phone manufacturers are slow to distribute OS updates. While the Nordics (F-secure area) have a high percentage of android 6 and 7, most of the world still uses 4 and 5. Android users: bug your phone manufacturer and make sure you're current. Check your OS version in Settings.
• The nice folks who wrote the Notepad++ program have fixed a .dll file process by which the CIA could hack the program and monitor what goes on in the background. While this is by no means foolproof, it will prevent the program from loading anything other than the proper .dll file. This will not prevent problems if the hackers are already there or if the notepad++.exe file is replaced. Credit where credit is due.
• Meanwhile the CIA says Americans should be deeply troubled by Wikileaks' latest leak. I think most of us would tend to agree, just not for for the reason the CIA states ("jeopardizing personnel and operations"). Nowhere does the CIA address jeopardizing citizens' rights and privacy.
• Curious about what the CIA thinks of your antivirus?

Confide, a secure messaging application very popular with White House aides, has been discovered to have "multiple security vulnerabilities of varying severities", proving that DC cannot even hide questionable thoughts or misdeeds correctly.

• A while back I reported on the US government trying to get records from an Amazon Echo's spying to help their murder case. The Echo is Amazon's version of Google's Alexa, that sits there and processes requests (what is the weather, set reminder to call Mom, how late is Costco open?). At question is anything Echo might have recorded during a murder. The trick here is that Echo (and Alexa) isn't supposed to record anything that isn't preceded by  "Echo" (or "Alexa"). Amazon decided not to fight the subpoena and submitted to demands for the recordings because the defendant said he didn't mind the recordings being submitted to prosecutors. Amazon could have and should have fought this on privacy principles. Next time it could be your data.

Things are always more interesting at Walmart. The St Augustine, FL, police were called to Walmart, due to the 4-5' shark found in the parking lot. Yes, it was a whale of a sale.

Not to be outdone, Vilano Beach, FL, found a shark in a driveway. Sorry, Charlie.

• Yes is to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this year. Asked why it took so long, a spokesman said it was because Donna Summer, Green Day, Joan Jett, Michael Jackson, NWA, Public Enemy, RUN-DMC, and Tupak needed room.

Happy International Women's Day!
I am a dead man

NOT THE IMPLANTS!

All is not "Good on ya" in Australia, where a kangaroo jumped on a cycling Australian woman and ruptured her breast implants. This should serve as a warning for women in Australia, women planning to visit Australia, women who bicycle and anyone who exercises (especially in Australia) Also women who demand silicone breast implants, which cause all sorts of problems when ruptured.

• Just in case you're curious about what it's like being a porn star, Samantha Bentley shares... [ooh, ahh, ooh baby...]

A French ship has detected signals likely to have come from the black boxes of the EgyptAir plane that crashed last month.  MH370 working overtime to continue not being found.

• Marilyn Monroe would have been 90 this year. What a GGILF she'd be.

Two countries separated by a common language: In England,the list of the Queen's favo(u)rite songs has been released. This is apparently a Big Thing. Wonder what would happen if Obama's favorite list was released....

• Abba reunited for their first performance in 30 years in Sweden, during a private party, for a one-off event. They have been offered millions in the past but turned it down. Good for us.

ISIS militants have killed a Hindu priest in Bangladesh. They were no doubt worried about his potential for violence.

• In trials now is a blood test to determine if a prescribed medicine for depression is the correct one. I hope this works - it will be a potential lifesaver for depressed people.

The mother of a three-year-old boy who wandered into a gorilla pen will not be charged, prosecuters have said. We must not inconvenience parents who do not parent.

• Good news for Hef: the Playboy mansion has been sold to a neighbor, a private equity boss. The neighbor probably won't hurt either.

Restoration has started on the tomb suspected to have been Jesus'. Should he arrive, he is cordially welcome to stop by this blog for an interview. There is absolutely nothing like having a large audience of nine (on better days) to get your message across.

• The next Harry Potter play is already a success although its script has not been published yet. J.K. Rowling, its author, is drawing parallels with Bruce Springsteen, who can defecate on stage causing his fans to go into spasms of orgasmic glee.

Homosexuality is not a choice. Wearing Crocs is.

Occam's Razor Needs Sharpening

President Obama tells his French counterpart that the US is no longer spying on France after the latest Wikileaks revelations.  Sure we aren't. We continue, however, to spy on our own citizens.

• Newly discovered Australian mammal mates itself to death.  Kinda like most American males would, given the chance.

So the other day, we're out driving and what do we pass but a Jehovahs Witness center.  I've never seen one before in my life.  I decided it would only be fitting to knock on their door and ask them to have a conversation about the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  Don't you hate it when your wife won't let you out of the car? [which reminds me... I have to go shopping for just the right colander for my drivers license picture]

I collect interesting phrases that I have heard. Here are the latest:

• You steal one car and all of the sudden, you're a car thief.
• You've got to slide up and down on the hard thing,
• Let me show you my jetpack.
• Uh oh, the electric company is here - the power is going to go out.
• Please bring ant spray.
• I  love algebra.
• I have used algebra in real life.

Usually I come upon Stuff. Stupid Stuff that's so obvious that there's no way I could have thought of it. Today's example is headphones. I have to use headphones at work because I wouldn't want the wonderful music I listen to to grace the ears of my coworkers (pearls before swine and all that).  Guys - put on your headphones... you will gain greater perspective on your music - particularly the musicians. It's also easier to figure out how to play music by checking out what's in which ear.  leftystrat - Super Genius<TM Acme>. One song that will make your headphone-ensconced ears spin is Jeff Beck's Cause We've Ended as Lovers, with Max Middleton's stereo-panned Fender Rhodes electric piano.

• Remember how the USA Freedom Act was going to rein in the NSA? That act authorized a six month transition. When the title is Freedom, you're not getting Freedom.

This morning I heard about a big storm last night. The National Weather Service has been called in to figure out if there was a tornado.  Does this strike you as strange?  The weather is over; why do we need an organization to step in and potentially make it worse?  This reminds me of the Heat Index: it's 94 out today but with the Heat Index, it's 104. Do we really need to be more miserable?

• The country's first gay divorce law firm opened in... guess where.... Philadelphia!

WINDOWS 10 ALERT

Microsoft's latest piece of malware, Windows 10, has introduced at least ONE security problem, in addition to the usual backdoors.  Enabled by default is a feature called WiFi Sense, which shares your WiFi password/credentials with friends. As if this weren't enough, the credentials sit in an encrypted file on a Microsoft server. Gee, no chance of MS or other letter agencies accessing this, is there? Your contacts from Outlook.com, Skype, and/or Faceyspaces can be shared.

Allegedly, the service will only allow sharing of the internet connection, not your hard drive, internal network or anything connected to it. Here's another Gates-ian solution: in order to opt out, you need to RENAME YOUR WIRELESS NETWORK by appending _optout. Opt Out may not be instant and it is recommended to change your password in the meantime.

This is yet another hijack from our friends in Redmond. When they start affecting the name of your wireless network, it's time to take them to task. The Redmond Menace must be stopped.

Remember - this nonsense is enabled by default. DISable it if you must downgrade to Windows 10. Just because it's the latest and a free downgrade from Windows 7 does not mean you need to install it. Better yet, defect to linux (free) or the piece of fruit operating system ($$).

What Great Music Do You Have This Week, lefty?

Funny you should ask... I decided to go with a more mainstream artist, yet to retain that certain something for musicians. Yes, it's perennial favorite Peter Frampton. I have mentioned before that my first concert ever was Peter Frampton, fresh from one of the greatest selling live albums of all time, Frampton Comes Alive. It was at Philthydelphia Humongo Stadium, in the midst of about 100,000 other sweaty, polite bodies. Down on the field, there were no assigned seats, so we were free to worm our way up front to see Peter and various other acts, like Lynyrd Skynrd and maybe Fleetwood Mac (with Stevie Nicks, when she was every guy's wet dream and every girl's fashion plate).

Philthydelphia Humongo Stadium was eventually razed, so the state's taxpayers could provide Corporate Welfare to fabulously wealthy sports team owners. This largesse provided for three stadiums in the state of PA.

Peter had some great albums (the black spinny things that you scratched up with a needle that required the hands of a skilled surgeon to manipulate), namely the ones that produced the songs that made up Frampton Comes Alive. My favorite album is called [wait for it....] Frampton and contains the studio versions of Baby I Love Your Way, Penny for Your Thoughts, (I'll Give You) Money, Nassau and Show Me The Way. Give it a listen - there's some great stuff there, which might be a pleasant surprise.

Mr. Frampton made the Talkbox popular (Show Me the Way, Do You Feel Like I Do?) and I had to get one. Incidentally, the golden-haired idol of millions has turned into a Bald Old Dude (like me) who continues to get better at the guitar and entertaining crowds (unlike me). Try to see him when he's touring, which he does frequently.