Captivity - Day 65 Susie-don't put that in your mouth

What's the best way to tear a paper towel diagonally?
Tear it on the pre-perforated straight line.


Something's up... I found myself awake at 10:30 (that's a.m. for anybody still reading). I think the best way to deal with this is to take a nap. I've been told I snore like a Saturn rocket: I don't hear it at all. Occasionally I give her a break and nap on the couch (it's easier than typing 'she told me to sleep on the couch').


What's the best way for a normal couple to discover they need to use the bathroom NOW?  That's easy - break the toilet.  Well, we didn't break it so much as it stopped working. There are exactly 2 people in the house plus one dog. The dog has it taken care of, but I suspect I'd upset the neighbors even more if we followed her example. The bipedal denizens of said house have the plumbing aptitude of Idiot Governor. This is, as they say, NFG.

We threw stuff at it. Everything the internet told us, although I suspect we came upon a few joke pages (M-80, C-4, lasagna, baking soda) and I can affirm that throwing lasagna and baking powder at a toilet is a bit of a failure. Especially if you miss the toilet. Then we tried putting the stuff IN the toilet. We were triumphant in our success, although the toilet remained broken. I remember my school days, when explosives always had an effect on plumbing, but felt it was the wrong effect. I had just gotten done reading an article about plumbers charging $400 to take phone calls over the weekend, and we were short of lasagna. We called Cousin Luigi and asked if rigatoni was an accurate substitute for lasagna. He said no, because it took much longer to cook.

We were starting to get upset. Well, she was. When something bad happens, I surf harder. It makes the house a lot more quiet.

To make a long story longer, like magic, the toilet was functional this morning. And there was not so much as one Saturn V missile missing from my stash (the NSA is going to have a blast with trigger words on this blog today).


Speaking of giraffes, I was forced to do that thing that I hate most in life: mow. It's not so much forced as Mrs lefty goes out to do it, interrupting my 2nd nap of the day, and I can't rightly let her do it. I'd set fire to anything green but I'm told that's not legal, even on one's own property. Last year we hired the neighbor kids at a ridiculous rate, to mow. It was a pleasure, no matter how much they want. All of the sudden, this year, they have to study. What child has ever said they don't want money - they have to study? Maybe they don't like grass either. At least they get paid to not like grass - I get paid to grow it.

Mrs lefty takes the mower out and I give up. She wants to mow with the mower and a cane. There goes my 2nd nap. I growl and notice the crazy lady's front area is full of stones without a single blade of grass. I loudly told Wife that someone was going to mow the grass that wasn't me, or the area will be like the crazy lady's.  Or the crazy lady will call the police again because the grass is 1" over the 36" limit. "But we were social distancing from our grass, Officer."


According to the news, New Jersey is opening Tuesday. I guess their Idiot Mayor used the state protocol too (threw darts at a calendar). The hotels and motels are closed, so that should put a sunny sheen on everybody's plans. Pennsylvania lobbied to keep New Jersey closed for the foreseeable future, but that's still in negotiations. Can you imagine being 230 feet in the air on a ferris wheel that is stopped every car to check if everybody has masks and is social distancing? Have I mentioned my terror of heights? I may have to test the bathroom. Again.

According to phone calls, Idiot Governor hath decreed that there will be no in-restaurant service until he turns pink. There is actually a suit against Idiot Governor - I have to sign and contribute. Impeach Wolf! I didn't vote for the idiot. Put the libertarians into office and this crap won't happen.

Yes, Pastor, Those Are Your Wife's Nudes

You think you're having a bad day.. and you just might be.. but this guy might win an award. He filed a suit against a Texas Toyota dealership alleging nude photos of his wife were sent to a swingers' site while he was buying a Toyota last year.

Hmmm..... I think I'm getting a feeling....

The allegations are quite serious under the law and the pastor and his wife have retained famous lawyer Gloria Allred (parodied on Family Guy as Gloria Ironbox). The salesman did maintain an account on the swingers' site and there's some electronic proof of hijinks, so I wouldn't want to be him at this point.

This blog would be doing a disservice to its readers if it didn't, at some point, say that pastors NEVER join swinging sites or take naked pictures of their wives or girlfriends or boyfriends or small furry rodents. And after they never submit these pictures, they also never blame anybody else because they would never have done such a thing. Unfortunately, the name of the swinging site was not released. Because we need to do our due diligence to discover facts in this case.

• although it has been joked about before and although it is doubted that this is correct, I wanted to share a small item of information on the combination of dogs and Roombas.

So maybe I'm wrong about the whole Internet of Things concept. A certain Whirlpool dryer will post a tweet when its drying cycle is finished. Because you need this in your life.

• My stomach is growling, which isn't all that odd. What IS odd is that there's a call and response thing happening between one side and the other. With different pitch growls. Do I ignore it or call an exorcist?

Thought for the day: it's way too early this morning.

• An Italian actress who pledged to perform sex acts upon people who voted no in a referendum is poised to become a woman of her word, scheduling appearances in many cities. We do not have this kind of stand-up behavior in the US: Madonna offered blowjobs to people voting for Hillary and an adult actress called Mia Kalifa offered the same for Trump voters. Neither came through.  America will never be the Best Country until we are all people of our word.

This poor British dude lost his penis in a childhood accident and recently got it replaced at tremendous cost. When word of his eight inch appliance, which could go forever, got out, he was deluged with offers. This far he has only used it with a local working girl and says he's too busy to take anyone else up on their offers.  I dunno.. I suspect we have different priorities....

Along related lines, a man was found, dead, with his penis cut off, in an NYC rest room. At this point all my male readers are bent over, crossing their legs involuntarily.

• Southwest Airlines had to make an unscheduled stop yesterday due to an additional passenger. A woman gave birth on the place. A representative for Southwest said they were overjoyed that everybody was ok and they would only charge the newborn half the going rate.

A man fatally shot his wife for urging him to kill himself. I suspect he would have gotten the better deal either way.

• Nancy Pelosi, stalwart silly person and California's recurring nightmare, just said, "I don't think people want new direction." There is also talk of California seceding from the US.  I think this is a perfect idea, especially if they appoint Pelosi as their representative. This way, no one will have to do anything and nothing will ever get done. 

Here's a well-written beginner's guide to beefing up your privacy and security online.

• Be careful of what you say at Virginia Tech: there is now a list of 50 expressions to be considered microaggressions. This joyous celebration of free speech came from meetings that included such stalwarts of independent thinking as the NAACP, the Muslim Student Association, and the Jewish Student Union.

A thief was recently apprehended with the aid of a BMW. The remote access system kept the doors locked until the police arrived. Yay - one for the good guys. Hang on... car doors being locked remotely? Remote control of many car functions, including acceleration and braking (already hacked on some cars)? All of this overriding the driver's actions?  Perhaps not.  Remember this when you buy a car.

• Mrs lefty and I were discussing her recent revulsion for the coming cold, as well as her revulsion for the heat/humidity as she gets older. I'm no great fan of either but I don't complain - it means I don't have to MOW anymore!

NOTE to anyone considering a blog on this platform: the spell checker does not recognize yay, ok, or blowjob.

Don't forget your Christmas shopping!