Captivity - Day 65 Susie-don't put that in your mouth

What's the best way to tear a paper towel diagonally?
Tear it on the pre-perforated straight line.


Something's up... I found myself awake at 10:30 (that's a.m. for anybody still reading). I think the best way to deal with this is to take a nap. I've been told I snore like a Saturn rocket: I don't hear it at all. Occasionally I give her a break and nap on the couch (it's easier than typing 'she told me to sleep on the couch').


What's the best way for a normal couple to discover they need to use the bathroom NOW?  That's easy - break the toilet.  Well, we didn't break it so much as it stopped working. There are exactly 2 people in the house plus one dog. The dog has it taken care of, but I suspect I'd upset the neighbors even more if we followed her example. The bipedal denizens of said house have the plumbing aptitude of Idiot Governor. This is, as they say, NFG.

We threw stuff at it. Everything the internet told us, although I suspect we came upon a few joke pages (M-80, C-4, lasagna, baking soda) and I can affirm that throwing lasagna and baking powder at a toilet is a bit of a failure. Especially if you miss the toilet. Then we tried putting the stuff IN the toilet. We were triumphant in our success, although the toilet remained broken. I remember my school days, when explosives always had an effect on plumbing, but felt it was the wrong effect. I had just gotten done reading an article about plumbers charging $400 to take phone calls over the weekend, and we were short of lasagna. We called Cousin Luigi and asked if rigatoni was an accurate substitute for lasagna. He said no, because it took much longer to cook.

We were starting to get upset. Well, she was. When something bad happens, I surf harder. It makes the house a lot more quiet.

To make a long story longer, like magic, the toilet was functional this morning. And there was not so much as one Saturn V missile missing from my stash (the NSA is going to have a blast with trigger words on this blog today).


Speaking of giraffes, I was forced to do that thing that I hate most in life: mow. It's not so much forced as Mrs lefty goes out to do it, interrupting my 2nd nap of the day, and I can't rightly let her do it. I'd set fire to anything green but I'm told that's not legal, even on one's own property. Last year we hired the neighbor kids at a ridiculous rate, to mow. It was a pleasure, no matter how much they want. All of the sudden, this year, they have to study. What child has ever said they don't want money - they have to study? Maybe they don't like grass either. At least they get paid to not like grass - I get paid to grow it.

Mrs lefty takes the mower out and I give up. She wants to mow with the mower and a cane. There goes my 2nd nap. I growl and notice the crazy lady's front area is full of stones without a single blade of grass. I loudly told Wife that someone was going to mow the grass that wasn't me, or the area will be like the crazy lady's.  Or the crazy lady will call the police again because the grass is 1" over the 36" limit. "But we were social distancing from our grass, Officer."


According to the news, New Jersey is opening Tuesday. I guess their Idiot Mayor used the state protocol too (threw darts at a calendar). The hotels and motels are closed, so that should put a sunny sheen on everybody's plans. Pennsylvania lobbied to keep New Jersey closed for the foreseeable future, but that's still in negotiations. Can you imagine being 230 feet in the air on a ferris wheel that is stopped every car to check if everybody has masks and is social distancing? Have I mentioned my terror of heights? I may have to test the bathroom. Again.

According to phone calls, Idiot Governor hath decreed that there will be no in-restaurant service until he turns pink. There is actually a suit against Idiot Governor - I have to sign and contribute. Impeach Wolf! I didn't vote for the idiot. Put the libertarians into office and this crap won't happen.