...for being awake.
For whatever evil reason, I wound up up, or awake, before noon on a weekend day. Because Saturday, my Mom had the unmitigated audacity to call before noon. So this is 2 days people gotten me up early. I have no choice during the week - I have a job. Now I'll have to go online and figure out how to have the phone not bother me til 1pm on weekends, with an outgoing messages that says, "Hey, Stupid - it's before noon - you obviously don't know me, so your number is blocked. Don't ever try calling me again - the phone won't even ring.
So there's this program called Consumer 101. I actually like this program because their first segment was on 'smart' tvs eating your data. If you think about this (not too much, though), you have grown adults watching consumer tv for children. This is the natural extension of cartoons we got up early to watch when we were kids (and tv was new).
As you'd expect, it's unbelievably sunny outside. This is strictly a trap, getting us all excited for the work week. When you go outside, you sniff the air, soak in the sun, and scream loudly, because it's f-ing THIRTY SIX DEGREES in May. Just give it up. Global warming, whether you choose to believe it or not, has driven us over the edge. Just build tubes to get everywhere and keep the temps the same. No matter - it evened out by 9pm.
Continuing our Great Educational Sunday, we're discussing smoothies. Smoothies mean different things on different coasts; from things made in blenders to all out fruits and vegetables in blenders without ice. Their 'expert' shows the very peppy host (who beats his wife) how to make smoothies of the Western US variety. She complains that the regular smoothies can pack a lot of sugar in them. YES? AND? THE PROBLEM HERE IS? So she goes on to show Peppy Host what you can put in to cut down sugar. This is a false concept also: there is simply no substitute for sugar - don't let anybody tell you different. This borderline lunatic suggests putting beets in your smoothie. This should have been Peppy Host's opportunity to run out of the studio, or shoot the Expert. There are laws about putting this stuff on tv - think of the children.
As if beets aren't enough, she talks about nut butter. Cashew, etc. Never mind the smoothie, what house has cashew butter on hand (unless there's going to be a murder). Fortunately she mentions peanut butter. Unfortunately she mentions kale and spinach. Kale is just a renaming of Shit We Find on the Sea Floor. Plus it's green, which should be enough of a warning to humanity (not including California). Believe it or not, people have eaten spinach. Not in smoothies, but they have. So they add all sorts of additional Green Shit and fire up the blender. This one scene took Peppy Host 4 hours to get down, because the stuff was so nauseating. Ever see a black dude look green? That's about what it was. Think carefully - have you ever had a green drink before?
The next alarm to humanity was a gay Asian guy 'making' things. He went through making a home-decorated cell phone cover, using words like 'sustainable,' and 'stylish,' so that got muted immediately while I typed this. Another dude talked about how to wash jeans because they're so expensive and you want to keep the texture. Are you ready? Put them inside-out and knot them up with a sweater or something. Did you know that if you rigorously rub hazelnuts together you get hazelnut shells? Did you know that if you rigorously rub 2 hosts together, you get only 1 host? Where are the crazy old politicians who want to ban tv because it makes their children zombies? Want to light up your boring old white electrical cords? Twist tiny wire around them for a few hours. When does this guy have time to film this show?
What have we learned?
It will sometimes save money, allow you use words like sustainable, and eat every last microsecond of your time. Yes, Billy, I know you have to go to school, but I'm building a sustainable freezer pack out of the leftover kale. Your teacher will understand.
What else have we learned?
We need to put together an Emergency Boredom Kit for when you get up before noon. Put it in the freezer, next to the spinach/banana you're looking to re-use, so it will be sustainable.
What else have we learned?
You can't buy food for dinner on Mother's Day.
I got cards.
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