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- One of the many benefits of living in my house is that it's never boring. No matter what time of day or night, what part of the house, or who's involved, there's no shortage of Sheer Fun. This morning I found a wife busily scrubbing a dark brown substance from the couch.
- Uh-oh.
- Apparently it all started with a 32oz cup of chocolate milk. The dog decided to 'help' by leaping up, causing the entire 32oz to do an experiment on the science of chocolate milk's suitability for flight.
- The results were so spectacular that we will be cleaning chocolate milk from a twenty foot radius of Ground Zero for days. Equipment across the room got splattered. Fortunately, at no point did Hawaii issue an incoming chocolate milk alert.
- The only thing that got spared was the dog, who just sat there and licked his paws. [chocolate can be fatal for dogs]
I bitch a lot about the weather. I bitch a lot, period.
According to this morning's Weather for Idiots, it's much colder here than Minneapolis. Plus the Minnesotans are making fun of our accent.
I'm not kidding about Weather for Idiots: you get the temperature, but it's almost irrelevant: you are given the weather quality on a one-to-ten scale (the Eagles Forecast). Then there is a two dimensional character called Bus Stop Buddy, who shows up dressed in weather-appropriate clothing, standing at the bus stop. Even the dog complains that this is beneath his level.
Then there's Bother. Every news team has a Bother... the one member who instantly annoys everyone who watches. You wonder how this person is still employed until you come to the logical conclusion that they have pictures of Rupert Murdoch with midget donkeys and cream cheese. At least I hope that's cream cheese.
Bother makes people leap off their couches with the urge to kill him or her. Even people walking by the television. Neighbors. Cousins who don't even watch the news. Our particular Bother is one of the aforementioned midgets, only this particular height-impaired human is also one of the Ritalin Children, who never outgrew (or medicated) his A.D.H.D. He bounces around like a pinball, talking at top speed and top volume, torquing off 90% of the viewers. Unfortunately, he also has pictures of them with Rupert Murdoch (the donkeys refused).
As if this weren't enough, two people appeared on the show with German Shepherd heads and two actual German Shepherds, dressed in Iggles t-shirts. I'm hoping the SPCA raids the set and arrests them for animal cruelty. That would be Must See TV.
There is some parlor in Philly giving out free Iggles tattoos.
The wife's Instant Analysis was that the lunacy hasn't begun - it's just ramping up exponentially. Win or lose, the city is going to have to do more than grease the light poles this time.
And the city managed to get through it with only a few fires, store windows smashed, and turning-over of cars, sometimes onto other cars. It just goes to show that Los Angeles and Chicago aren't the only places that can throw a good riot.
- Everyone's celebrating Dem Iggles winning the Superbowl in their own way. One man, exemplifying Philly, bent down and scooped up some horse manure. Instead of hurling it into the crowd or setting it on fire, he ate it. The crowd cheered. His wife got an emergency restraining order and is reportedly looking for a 'good Philly lawyer' for her divorce.
- The Ritz-Carlton's awning collapsed because people were standing on it.
- Macy's and TMobile's windows were smashed. Nothing was taken. When asked for comment, a bystander (who swears he had NOTHING to do with the windows) was quite offended at the suggestion that Philadelphians loot. "In Philly," he said, "we do not loot. We set our own cars, or someone's cars, on fire and flip them onto other cars."
- The police were out on horseback, but were unable to trample and of the revelers. Their parents would be ashamed, if they weren't helping them turn the cars over.
- To show they were good sports and there were no hard feelings, the crowd chanted FUCK TOM BRADY!
- Although the light poles were greased (11 knocked down), those unstoppable fans managed to get up there anyway. The Army has representatives in Philly today to study how hard a head has to be to ignore grease. "It's amazing none of them demonstrated the ability to hover," said Sergeant Stedenko.
- The city's top cop took a bottle to the back of his head. He said he was proud to get stitches because the Phillies made it to England.
- Quote from New York Post: Philadelphia was on fire, in some cases literally...
- There will be a parade. This will not end well. I will be the only one at work.
- Philadelphia schools, public and parochial, will be closed, so they can see the historical parade. Gee, wouldn't it be nice if Philly could get anything else organized as quickly as this? And if schools taught something useful, instead of sports?
- In case you don't fully understand how America was screwed by Congress, which just authorized the NSA to collect all of our communications without a warrant, here's a very good explanation from security expert Bruce Schneier. In essence, the NSA is now legally allowed to do what they've been doing all along. Edward Snowden's head just exploded. Next time a member of Congress complains about something, remember what they authorized.
Best Headline, US Edition: One in 10 Americans think HTML is a sexually-transmitted disease, study finds. One in four think MP3 is a Star Wars robot. One in three think computer viruses are transmissible to humans.
- Today I learned: there is a person named Fetty Wop.
- This illustrates what's so good about America: anyone can name themselves whatever they want, no matter how stupid or certifiably insane. There is a Nordic country that must approve the baby's name first, proving my point.
- Unfortunately there is no such agency protecting pets from being named by their owners.
There is a killer whale who can speak! It can say hello, goodbye, count to three, and say the name of its trainer, Amy. In addition to the obvious reasons, this is remarkable because whales do not have the same vocal structure as humans. Already, Ellen has invited him on her show, although we suspect it's just to get to Amy. Republicans and democrats are worried: after a few more weeks of training, the whale will beat them in the midterm elections.
- The Trade is a new docu-series focused on the stories of addicts, their families and the law enforcement officials trying to curb the epidemic that kills 91 Americans a day. 'It needs to make you uncomfortable': the opioid documentary set to shock America
- What the documentary will fail to show is the person in the long dark coat, forcing the addicts to shove the needle in their arm. Or buy the pills for recreational use. Oh wait.. there's no one forcing them to do this?
- This will only hurt the people who need opioids to help control their chronic pain.
Good God, they're still after me.
I went to see the young one performing with the school's orchestra. They closed with the Eagles fight song. Unfortunately it wasn't the Joe Walsh Eagles. As I was reminded, it would probably be a bad thing to smash a few violins on the conductor's head and about her person.
- On sale, tickets for Paul Rodgers (Bad Company), Ann Wilson (Heart), and Jeff Beck (Jeff Beck). This is going to be a real treat for everyone. Two great rock voices and arguably the world's greatest guitar player. My wife, who doesn't play an instrument, goes to every Jeff Beck concert. Highly recommended.
Speaking of concerts, I found something odd about this one: the conductors announced the song, then spoke about the composer and the song, sometimes including the song structure. Although I've been a musician for many many years, I don't 'get' classical music, nor does most of the audience, I'm willing to bet. How, then, does explaining it to the Great Unwashed help?
"This next piece, Rhapsody in Puce, was written by Leopold Liberace, during his food poisoning period in France. It's interesting to note that Leopold, whose friends called him Ted, didn't start composing til shortly before he started decomposing. If you listen closely, you'll hear the composer's use of the chromatic didactic during the flourish. You'll also say to yourself, 'Hey - that's the song from the Tide Pod commercial!' "
I don't think the person sitting next to me appreciated my question about the concert so far, when I asked about the presence of the conductor's hair down there. It's ok, though... Mom's used to my outbursts.
So I'm sitting there, both amused and puzzled, mentally composing this entry. How would this look if it happened during a rock concert? To make the blog less of a chore to read, I'll go ahead and show you....
"Yo. Thank you, thank you. You guys here in [looks around, pauses] Delaware are the BEST!"
[audience cheers wildly, even though the concert is technically taking place in Nebraska]
"Thank you. This next tune... I'm serious, guys... this next tune is called 'The Plight of the Bumblebee in Relation to Vacuum Theory.' This one was written by Bob, our drummer, during his blackout phase in Utah, while coming to the realization that he should start considering one of those celebrity drunk tanks. The song features a standard rock structure, except during the break, when Bob inevitably f's up the third fill and misses the chorus, even though he wrote the goddamn song. Interesting story: at the end of the tour, if not sooner, Bob's going back to the clinic and we're replacing him with a drum machine. Don't tell him, ok?"
Bitching (speaking) about weather, the Five Day Forecast is gloom with precipitation and low temperatures. This is similar to last week's forecast. Perhaps you remember the order, but I expect it to rain toads, blood, and Brussels sprouts with rosemary.
At the end of the street, some old dude is loading animals into a large homemade boat.
Punxatawny Phil, the rodential mascot for Punxatawny, Pennsylvania, is due to pop out of his abode, and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of movie stars complaining about the president. The joke's on us, as it's never sunny in PA, so he'll never see his shadow. This means we'll have three to seven more
years of Hollywood complaining about the president and accusing Punxatawny Phil of sexual harassment.
But seriously, folks, the script changes this year. It seems that Phil has been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's particularly bad at this time, because he hasn't seen the sun in three months. When he fails to see his shadow, he's going to get out his Groundhog Grenade, pull the pin, and swallow it.
In completely unrelated news, Punxatawny has announced a new mascot for next year. Due to pressure from social justice advocates, the new rodent is Punxatawny Philomena. Philomena is a female-identifying transgender trans-species animal, who identifies as a Sherman tank. She describes herself as a Jew and an antisemite, whose hobbies include deep connections with women's social justice causes and prostate cancer. If you misgender or microaggress her, she will pressure the mayor to send you to a country where stoning is not only allowed; it is
encouraged.
- Wildlife Strikes Back: a Maryland hunter was airlifted to a trauma center, after a dead goose fell from the sky and landed on his head, causing head and facial injuries.
Here's a list of the twenty most
hated companies in America. The results are pretty much what you'd expect, with a few surprises.
Number one should be fined so heavily, it will go under.
- Immigration (ICE) raided 77 North California businesses, looking for illegals. There were no arrests. Probably because Governor Jerry Brown blocked the doors with his body.
- In the Cliche Department, ICE raided one hundred 7-11 stores last month, arresting 21 suspected illegals.
STING instigates violence: a couple was in the midst of a domestic dispute when one of them went to the bedroom and played Sting's "If You Love Someone, Set Them Free." At this point, the dispute went physical, according to police. Sergeant Smith stated that individuals should not, under any circumstances, play Sting songs.
- George Washington University was rocked by a picture on social media, featuring two students, one of which was holding a banana, with the caption "Izzy: I'm 1/16 black."
- This is unprecedented. It's an outrage. It's 2018! I have absolutely no idea why this is racist. If you can enlighten me, please leave a comment.
The Dow plunged 666 points this week.
I think it's a sign: the Dow is talking to me.
Do not doubt me - the Beatles talked to Charlie Manson...
