Badminton

 I'm sorry to have to use that word, but things are getting serious.

Shuttlecock, tits, and blue boobies are all things that fly.

Boeing 737 MAX does not fly.

Your love is like a quickie sex change

The meatloaf sandwich had a slice of meatloaf so large, I almost had to unhinge my jaw to get it in my mouth. You're just waiting for me to say "now I know how Mrs lefty feels" but I'm not going to do that.

I'm happy to say the house is now decorated, as is the tree. It looks fantastic; more fantastic than I could ever make it. Presents were exchanged the other night. There was great tittering about the Eeyore onesie. Onesie is a stupid word, with an even more stupid spelling. Yes, we need a new word for it, but let me explain: it's almost Eeyore pajamas that you step into and zip up. We have Eeyore shirts, mugs, sweatshirts, overalls, jackets, and even panties. There are no Eeyore bras (I looked).

There are multiple (haha) advantages of living with a dissociative. It's always Christmas, because they don't always remember getting the present. You can ask one what the other would like. They're also not likely to remember what they told you they like or what they told you to order, so it's new again!

A short while back, I wrote about the evolution of PONG and video games in general. What should appear but a box with a 3' tall Pac-Man game. I'm more impressed with all the ways you can mount it - they did a great job. There is approximately 1 video game enthusiast in the house, although I haven't asked the dog yet. "But who do I play against?" Yourselves? "They suck."  And I'm going to be any better? I don't even like video games.

"I'm going to take a nap and set my alarm. When I'm done, we can play video games."

I see. And what time are you setting your alarm for?

"Well, the first one for 1:35, the second one for 2:25, and the 3rd for 2:45."

I see. And why do you need 3 alarms?

"In case I miss one."

I see. Wouldn't you be better off setting them for 5-10 minutes apart because you're not likely to be in the same sleep cycle?

"NOOOOOOOOO - this is the way we do it."

I see. Enjoy your nap.

Today I identify as  mace - the spice and the pointy implement you swing around to cause great damage

I got a thing for xmas. It's really difficult to describe. Take a tv soundbar and shrink it down to about a foot. Then plug it into your tv (or laptop). There's a setting to emphasize speech frequencies, in case I'm going to have a problem with my hearing.

The thing sounds really good plugged into the laptop, which is just not made for hifi sound. I even tested the speech emphasis, which does exactly what it says it does. It's not that I'm not grateful, I just want to know the mindset that produced this product as a gift for me. As far as I know, my hearing's ok. I hope these people aren't psychic...

Mrs lefty, however... it's difficult to tell how much is hearing loss and how much is Space Cadet. I have banged on a door she's sitting against, then scared her when I spoke. I have taken to trudging through rooms so she'll be aware I'm coming. When I say hello, she levitates 6". This became a very popular party game with the nieces and nephews. They'd creep up behind her and say HELLO, and she'd leap. I believe the winner was the one who got her to leap the highest. The sad part about this is that even without knowing about the party game, the kids (and my brother) would still come up behind to watch her levitate. I think it's abusive, so I stopped (last week).

Ever see the stamps dot com commercial? Sure you have - everybody has. If you know anything about the final lady with the big hair, leave the info in comments, please. Just for science, of course.

Where are your packages, lefty?

UPS continues to give insights into the never-before-explored area of Package Delivery Dynamics (PDD). One box has spent 3 weeks taking trips around the seller's state. Several more are in the Abyss. I understand this might've been a volume issue, but it's not like the Flying AIDS was a secret and nobody knew people were buying online. Didn't we discuss this during the election, with mailin votes? People have long advocated privatizing the post office. This should be the final nail. Roughly half of my gifts are still in USPS Delivery Uncertainty Hell. These gifts were guaranteed to be here long before xmas.

Mainstream or Pr0n: I'll list a title of a recent release. You tell me if it's mainstream or pr0n. SpongeBob SquarePants Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated

So Hoarders is on. I have no idea why Mrs lefty watches this. Maybe she wants to feel better about us.. you can see carpet and there are pathways in our house. This 1 poor guy hoarded and had OCD - he hit the jackpot. I feel terrible about the issues these people face. Either that, or I'm terrified the city will come around and demand we clean up or else... or else... Idiot Mayor will mandate masks inside the house.

Of course I'm kidding. I take the trash out and vacuum on special occasions.

OCD is rough. My sis-in-law has it. Twice. She would make sure the cereal boxes were in alphabetical order, then arrange the pots and pans. I have no idea how someone with OCD arranges pans, but there's a fair chance if we find out, we'll explode. Her young child picked up rearranging the pots and pans and did it as a form of play (not as OCD). This might be the first ever case of OCD by Proxy. I just made that diagnosis up.

Before the Flying AIDS, there were compulsive hand washers. Look under the sink, people. If there's a gallon jug of hand cleaner, there might be an issue. If there are several gallon jugs of hand cleaner, one of those tv therapists from Hoarders might be convinced to come by. OCD is compoulsion to do stuff. Like pulling the door shut 3 times or you can't go anywhere. Or pulling the door shut on your foot, in which case you can't go anywhere, but as the ambulance is carrying you away, you're SCREAMING that you have to go back because you didn't pull the door 3 times. Another is having to come back to the house 4 times to make sure you didn't leave the gas burner on. This is particularly interesting when you're late for work. What you don't know is the neighbors are standing at their windows with stopwatches, timing and counting your returns. The one who comes closes wins a prize. Hint: don't go to the neighborhood fair. That's where they present the prizes.

Make sure to get your cereal and other boxes lined up alphabetically. Or is that size order? You gotta have this right or you can't go on to making certain the toilet paper comes off the right side. Not that anything like this would happen in our house, but we were food shopping once and I was throwing cans on the slider. I was informed that the labels had to be pointing OUT. Because I'm a complete bastard, I kept pointing them in other directions, causing great consternation. This is but a tiny example of the horrors of living with me.

But I want to defend us: we're not hoarders, we're putting-it-back impaired. If we put stuff back, the place would look almost normal. Mrs lefty doesn't hoard shoes - she just keeps buying new ones before she's worn the old ones much. I am certainly not a hoarder - I just have Guitar Acquisition Syndrome (GAS). What if I need to make a certain sound or tone? I have equipment for that. Even if I don't play with a band or record at all. I'm not a hoarder - I'm extremely well prepared.

Some of these people don't throw out trash. There can be rats, mice, or deceased pets in the mess. Thus far no deceased spouses, but it's early in the season.

What causes hoarding? Lack of sex.

C'mon, lefty, you blame lack of sex for everything.

Do you really want to prove it isn't?

Oh. Ok.

Sometimes it's trauma. A death. An abandonment. Some ass turning all your labels the wrong way. The takeaway here is that you get help for the issue before you're swimming in 5 year old UPS boxes you never opened, swimsuits 5 sizes too small, a kitchen you can't get in to cook, and several cries for help that are getting progressively softer by the day.

Uh-oh.

Just as I said that because of sex robots, women had better be nicer to men, it appears that for procreation, men had better be nicer to women.. parthenogenesis: how females from some species can reproduce without males.

What of Windows?

How, you ask, is my favorite operating system?

When I shut it down last week, it gave me no option to update, so I  shut it down and it updated. Now that I boot it up this morning, for WORK, it decides it has to update some more. So far I'm 10 minutes late for work. My coworkers are chuckling - "I'll bet old lefty's Windows had to update some more! He's probably red with anger and ready to launch the laptop into the stratosphere. Heh heh." [general laughter]  It's been at 84% for 5 minutes. 84 is a sacred number with Windows (unless it gets stuck at some other number). As if to mock me, it says not to turn off the pc and "it will take a while." 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 LIFTOFF! We have liftoff, one laptop, on this historic lunar laptop trip. Bob, this will be the 1st time Windows has been to the moon. Yeah, Frank, although many suggest that's where it belongs.

It finally allowed me the privilege of logging in, after which it just stared at me and said 'preparing Windows'. What kind of preparation does an operating system need? Does it go around the corner for some coffee and donuts? If it does, it never got ME any. Linux never got me breakfast either, but then again, it never makes me wait while it prepares itself. Women make you wait while preparing themselves, not operating systems.

After 30 minutes, it allowed me to get to work. And when I say it allowed me, I mean I was technically connected, but moving like Congress through a pay cut. It tells me the disk is 100% in use, but the listing shows about 5%. The recent 'updates' changed the task manager and put a search bar in my task bar (HEY - you've got your search bar in my task bar!). Yes, I turned it off, but I didn't need it there. Next update will be an IoT toaster meter, which keeps track of anything in the toaster, whether I have a toaster or not. STOP HELPING ME, WINDOWS. That's a persistent cry.

Science is a wonderful thing.

The astronauts on the International Space Station grew radishes in a microfarm.

Sometimes you have to sit down and ask Science why? 

The group of people who stole the monolith in Utah, on their way out, came across another group, on their way to destroy the monolith - "That's exactly what we didn't want to happen". For those of you following along at home, the thieves didn't want the destroyers to destroy the item they thieved.

The thieves discussed the matter with BLM and had quite a shock when they realized they were talking to Black Lives Matter, when they needed to speak to the Bureau of Land Management. For their part, Black Lives Matter pronounced the monolith a tool of white supremacy and racist, before asking what a monolith was.

President Trump signed the Flying AIDS package into law.

What you don't know is that the president is in Walter Reed Hospital, after a heart attack.

Congress came up with the $600 per person bill and sent it to the president.

The president said it was rubbish, and suggested $2,000 per person.

Nancy Pelosi and the democrats were jubilant, and lined up squarely behind the president, for the first time in 5 years.

The president had a heart attack.

Exercise Causes Cancer

I'm annoyed by the exercise mirrors. I'm annoyed by most things, but that's not relevant now. You've seen the commercials... impossibly fit people exercising in front of a mirror, some impossibly attractive, while the offscreen instructors' voices urge them on. Some riding bikes. Some lifting weights. It's a horror movie for me; not only for the privacy invasion, but for the exercising. Those people are sweating. Is this the kind of thing you want to do with your day?

The devices are impossibly expensive and depend on your home's wireless internet connection. The moment you start using them, the kids are going to start hurling sharp, pointy sticks at you, because you're interrupting their torrenting, Kardashians, and pr0n. You're not going to win here. Nothing good will come out of it. I should be one of those offscreen instructors (or offscreen destructors)..

What's it today, coach?

Warmups. Warmups are essential before any exercise. Sit on the floor, legs crossed.

Ok, now what?

Take out your tablet and surf a bit. We're working on both mind and body.

[15 min later] Ok, I surfed.

Very good. I was watching and liked the way you did that. Now stand.

Standing.

This is the final part of warmup. Stand there and feel your vibes. Locate each part of your body, and make note of any that are missing.

When do I start exercising?

You are exercising, Grasshopper. You can't blow up a building without Thermite.

What does that even mean?

Are you sure you want to exercise today?

Yes, I'm sure.

This is your day off, isn't it?

Yes.

You should treat yourself... go back to bed and get up when you're done resting. You work hard. You deserve it.

Look, I paid $4,000 for this bloody exercise mirror so I could exercise.

Open the freezer, Grasshopper, and grab some Haagen Dazs.

Ok.

Have a spoonful.

Ok.

Have another.

Ok.

Isn't that good?

Yes, but I eat too much of it.

Have another.

Ok, one more.

Have another.

Coach, I can't.

Dig down deep and find the strength to have another spoonful. I know you have it in you.

Mmph....groan..... I DID IT!

I'm very proud of you. Now take a shower and a nap. I'll see you next week.

I don't know why or how this would happen, but let's say someone left one of these torture devices at my house one day....

Hi, you're new. It's lefty?

Yup.

lefty, what's your end goal?

For Bob to get his mirror the hell out of my house.

What's your end goal for your body?

Ummm... lots of attractive women touching it?

lefty, be serious.

I am serious.

Let's warm up.

It's 75 degrees outside. The air conditioner's about to come on, Why on Earth would I want to warm up? Let's cool down. Besides - exercise causes cancer.

lefty, what would you like to work on?

mmmm... I already did napping... hey, I know, my sleep is interrupted a lot lately. Whatcha got for that?

Well, we have an exercise that...

HOLD on.. you can't exercise before bed or you won't be able to get to bed.

What should we work on - arms, legs, abs?

Penis.

Penis?

Penis.

Why do you want to exercise your... thing? 

Well, it thinks it's busy all the time and needs to be convinced to rest. It doesn't get half the fun it thinks it does. All the ladies at work call me Tripod. It's embarrassing,

I'm sorry, lefty, we have no exercises for your... genitals. Say, you're looking a little scrawny, with a small beer gut, how bout some sit ups?

Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how difficult it was to sit up in bed before I got in front of this mirror?

Have you ever done any lifting?

Tons. With my fork.

Why don't you try the bicycle?

Why don't you try the bicycle? Besides, it doesn't go anywhere.

It's not supposed to go anywhere, it's a fitness bicycle.

Well what's the point of that? You put all that energy into pedaling and you don't go anywhere..

How about jogging in place?

Same thing, isn't it?

Chin ups?

Oh man, I always hated those. One time in high school I did one.

Push ups?

Too much like having sex by myself.

You sure are creative.

So I'm told.

Especially when it comes to not exercising.

It's my life's work.

lefty, how about we get you one of those impossibly fit. attractive models to demonstrate the exercises - would that be ok?

Perfect, thank you.

How would this affect your views on exercising?

No change. She'd go through the exercises, I'd sit there and evaluate her performance. Please be sure to send a clipboard.

I hear your wife has a strict No Dating policy.

Only below the belt. Please don't send a fat one.

Can you imagine being my parents?

If you ever feel you're not getting enough out of the USPS mangling your delivery, sign up for alerts. You already know from looking at the tracking info, the package has gone "into the system" and no one will ever see it again. I just discovered that the package sent 3 weeks ago from one state north has just shown up: one state east. Perhaps it needs to complete the entire compass before arriving. I'm signing up for alerts for the rest of the packages that never showed up. I desperately need the entertainment.

Hey, lefty - how's the new car?

I'm glad you asked. I was handed the quick start manual the other day, because manuals are Men's Jobs. You know you're in trouble when there's a quite start manual for your car. Suffice it to say the description of the car on the website was... somewhat.... lacking.. in a good way. Not that I remember a single thing I read (ever), but there's a lot of stuff in that car. I think what they do is use a template: car comes complete with 4 wheels, seats, 5 cylinder engine, and trunk. Going further might hurt someone's coffee cake. 

I mentioned remembering old Lincoln commercials where seat positions had 2 different memory settings for different drivers. Check. Auto-start - check (with app). What kind of car requires an app? Turn off backup camera (suck it, neighbors!) - check. Other ridiculous stuff - check. I feel like I bought a luxury car. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Hyundais, but they're not exactly luxury cars. Mrs lefty loves it already. I was allowed to drive it once. The problem is that there's some connectivity to the outside world. This is an extreme no-no. Things like GPS and OnStar-like services have to GO. And this isn't a new car. They're tracking beacons. Since the cars are more electronically controlled, they're easier to find and easier to remotely operate. Now I have to find the bloody modems and rip them out. Wanna buy a modem, anybody? Maybe we can switch, so your Ford identifies as a Hyundai and vice versa. I just don't need that kind of connectivity....  Unfortunately this will require some kind of sleuthing and mechanical ability, so I'm pretty much in trouble...  

Before the previous Hyundai, we experienced Sticker Shock when buying new tires. I bought tires for my land yachts for $60. Hyundai tires were $250! And they had considerably less rubber, perhaps with considerably less comfortable ride. And need to be replaced more often. Do car makers own the tire companies?

Text Me

Texting is the Next Big Thing. Yes, we've been using it all along, but businesses are getting into it. Doctors are texting to burn up the coverage for the year, so they can start burning up next year's coverage next year. Phone carriers text. Quite frankly, I'm all for it. When you text, you have to keep it short and you don't have to talk to anybody - what greater gift could there be to humanity and agoraphobes specifically? I'd rather spend twice the time scheduling office visits than actually call the office. Now there are a bunch of businesses (and people) you wish would get on the texting bandwagon... (definitely not politicians) like...  your relatives. The older they are, the more fun they are in text. Some sign them - Love, Aunt Martha. If they like to dictate them, it's even funnier - And the mask is tomorrow love you Fritos.

Carpet Flavored Coffee and the Search for the Perfect Anvil

HAPPY WHATEVER

May the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with his noodly appendage.

 Your love is like  hot buttered used motor oil

Happy Solstice. It's the beginning of winter, known and hated by most. Winter showed up determined to make its presence known, with very low temperatures and easier-to-find Carnation chocolate malt powder.

For some reason, known only to someone, I got to drive my own new car. How was I supposed to know you press the brake before it'll start? The UltraBrite<tm> display said I should probably start the car or it would eat up the battery and the neighbors would all laugh at me (again). It seems you can do anything you want via the display, except what you want to do at that moment. Also, no tv. But who needs tv when you can drive down the road with the UltraBrite<tm> display 'talking' to you. What would have been nice to talk to was the mirror adjust. Every little knob and button in the car is lit, except the mirror control. 

Eventually I got it drivable, preferring to leave the seat adjusted for Mrs lefty. Gallantry comes with a price, and when I got out of the car, my lumbar region was over my head. It was not as funny as it looked... it was hilarious. I remember an older Lincoln commercial where the seats had presets(!), so 2 people could set it for their preference and not PISS OFF the other one. The center console had lots of buttons and stuff, none that seemed useful while driving. I am going to trust the designers of the UltraBrite<tm> display and that it's not distracting to drive with several floodlights in your eyes at night. Even if I crash, I can take solace in knowing what song is playing, what album it's from, and that I accepted the legalese I have to accept before I put the car in gear. Every time that displays, Sherman Mitnick, Esq., gets $0.57. Sherman's South Dakota firm came up with the paragraphs, that mean nothing, but you're required to agree to before you drive. Stop and read it some time... you agree to give your firstborn to the car company. In many cases, this is a perk of ownership, especially when you watch the true murder shows where the firstborn slaughters the entire family for the insurance money, but gets caught when he accidentally shoots himself and runs out of gas.

No matter how much Bluetooth pairing I did, I could not make my phone start the car from inside the house. This is a definite negative, in spite of the Butt Warmers. There are 3 levels of Butt Warmer: warm, mmmmm hot, and 3rd degree ass burn. There are Asshole Detectors: little lights on the mirrors that light up when there's an asshole driver near you. They stayed on the entire trip.

We're trying to keep the dog out for as long as we can, and enjoy not having mud on our asses when we arrive (we're known for that anyway). Sometimes we arrive at our destination and hear "Hey lefty, why is there no mud on your ass?" It really freaks out new people.

Before every plane flight, the pilot walks around the plane, to make sure everything's in order, and the 2 big wings are still there. It's better to find this out before you start moving than on the runway.... Southwest 757, uh, you're a little short wings, over. So I got out my imaginary clipboard (it's blue) and did a quick trip about the car: Tires - 4 - check. Body - 1 - check. Drink holders - 2 - check. Ready for takeoff.  Like some pilots, I had my alcoholic beverage coffee all ready to go. This particular plane, when I put it in reverse, killed my music and tried to show me video. It was the most boring clip I had ever seen... it looked like something one would see if they were in the trunk, with the lid up a little. Of course this is impossible - I make sure to shut the trunk if anybody's in there. 

The car rode damn fine, even with the banging of the bodies cargo in the trunk. I felt like I was driving a luxury car, which generally means it's over 20 years old. Aside from a few errant pedestrians, the ride was free of bumps. The most bizarre part of the entire new car experience was the family member concerned about the size of the trunk. We stopped asking why a long time ago and send her a picture with Mrs lefty posing in the trunk. Yes, it's roomy. 

In spite of the fact that it is a 'dumb' car, it greets Mrs lefty every time she gets into it. This was a bit of a shock when I got in... it asked me where she was. This bothered me more than usual because the car has no speech function.  It's like dogs: they're hers within a day. Meh- I'm not complaining.. she's a keeper. Mrs lefty too.

Today I identify as meat

Things We Like To Hear Around the Holidays 

the neighbors singing "I saw daddy kissing Santa Claus"

Single girls, single girls

Going all the way

Oh what fun they are to ride

At the end of shopping day - hey!

And "The Little Jewish Boy"

I'm Hasidic, baruch ata tah

First there was PONG. It was a console you hooked up to your tv, or rather you had your kids hook up to your tv. With a little line, you PONGed a ball back and forth, kinda like tennis, but without the screaming at the judge. It competed with Go Fish for the most boring game ever. Mind you it cost a lot of money. Then you went to arcades to play PONG (and Frogger), depleting the nation's supply of quarters, as well as your allowance for the week (and next week).

Games got better. Resolution got higher. They got more realistic and did more.  You played on your computer instead of the tv. You raced cars on what looked like a real track. You ran people over and stole cars. The game ran much faster than you did. The only thing you were missing was the $5,500 arcade game that you'd routinely physically abuse. You lost your desire to abuse the game when it was on your computer, or else you bought a lot of controllers. 

Years passed and you (allegedly) grew up. Now you can buy a small or medium sized arcade game console. You can choose to play PONG or Frogger. What goes around comes around. You give it to your nephew, he laughs behind your back, then his father plays with it. What goes around comes around. 

• Best headline: Improving Windows' quality by making it not boot

The Vatican says the vaccine is morally acceptable.

Apparently so is child molestation.

The Moderna vaccine has been approved.

The differences between this and the Pfizer vaccine are slim, but here is what we know so far: instead of your right arm, your left arm falls off. It makes your nipples permanently hard but kills your sex drive. Instead of not being able to sue Pfizer, you're not able to sue Moderna. Your toenails will turn green, then rainbow, in support of Black Lives Matter. 

A growing number of lawmakers are declining an early shot. Some claim they're waiting for frontline people to get theirs first. The rest of the cowards are getting theirs due to Continuity of Government plans. Continuity of Government is a concept by which American citizens get killed, but government has special procedures and hideouts so government can continue in the event of something terrible.

You're probably asking yourself if there's any different, good news, now that we've all had it with the Flying AIDS. Well hold onto your hats - the scientist who helped discover Ebola says a much deadlier virus is eventually on its way.

It's very interesting to see what is purchased during the Flying AIDS lockdown. Sexbots are coming. I told you, ladies, you'd better start being nicer to men.

• I hear there are a lot more cybersecurity jobs available.

Dear lefty 

• What do you want for xmas?
• peace, man. the Non-Aggression Principle. the Constitution. a 1950s left handed Stratocaster.
• What are you getting for xmas?
• a car payment 

• Peter Jackson (some movies) is putting together a different view on the Beatles'  'Let it Be'. It won't be out til 2021 but check out the montage.
• John Lennon would have been 80 this year. 80.

I get bored easily. I have a big mouth. As a result, I like to push things.

At my first real job, I got my coworker to take her shirt off so I could see her in her bra. She said it was no big deal. I have perfected raising one eyebrow, ala Spock, occasionally adding a 'fascinating'. She also couldn't see the point of sex- it didn't do much for her. One of my greatest failures was not being able to get her to let me practice on her, to see if I could bring more joy to the act. It was one of many unselfish acts I proposed.

At the Twilight Zone<tm>, I got a coworker to stand still so we could shoot gummy bears down her shirt. Come to think of it, it might have been more her idea than mine. All I wanted was to be a gummy bear (or to retrieve them). God, I miss those days. Mostly I miss the coworker.

We had another coworker that agreed to gummys down the shirt, but he lacked a few of the necessary parts to play the game properly.

This is why I don't babysit. Well, that and I don't like children.

My current place of employment has no fun like that. The lone female in my group has 15 years and 150 pounds on me, plus we never see each other. It's a blessing that my coworkers don't see me. We also have one who's a dead ringer for Predator and I'm not asking him to play the gummy game. I suspect one of my coworkers has another job that he does while allegedly doing ours. Other team members occasionally have to be awakened, leading to the question 'what do they DO while working?' Some of these people have all the speed and ability of government workers, without the healthcare plans. I get a lot of credit for getting things done. Little do they know I'm off napping and it's the dog. Another guy is completely immersed in taking selfies. He changes his picture every week and is usually busy banging his (or someone's) wife. Because I'm a little more awake than the others and occasionally answer questions, I've become the go-to guy. I spent 10 years trying to avoid this at the last place.  It's like a curse: you've been found Competent, therefore you're stuck with it forever. You know what happens to people found Competent in tech? They're promoted to Manglement. Because if you're good in tech, you must be good at managing people. I still wake up screaming from the last time this happened.

• Youtube banned any videos having anything to do with election fraud. Whether there was or wasn't... banning?
• If there was fraud, it's a public service.
• If there was no fraud, it would just show how stupid the uploaders are. Nothing to lose, Youtube. Unless there's an agenda....

2 people and their service puppy opened a Delta jet cabin door before takeoff, and took the slide down. They realized The Masked Furry was on and they had forgotten to set their DVR. The police were going to take them into custody, but let them go after everybody in the plane beat the crap out of them for causing a 9 hour delay. An Airbus A321 carries 191 people, each one had their whacks at the 2 Furry Watchers. When it was over, their service puppy peed on them.

• I remember growing up and what it was like to be a child at this wondrous time of year. On Christmas eve, we'd all gather around the tree until one of us figured out there was no Christmas tree. Weird parents are a bitch.

The news is outta hand with stories of Russian hacking of our high government departments. Can you imagine what would happen if the Russians hacked your network?

• uTorrent operations, downloading the latest movies, generating complaint emails threatening to sue
• a few teammates downloading Johnny's pr0n stash of coworkers, taken from when people asked him to copy pictures from their phones to the network
• 127 petabytes of mp3s and cat pictures
• a very small amount of what your company actually does 
• It turns out this is even better than antivirus, because the hackers get so bored looking for anything of value, they give up and go elsewhere.

Microsoft says the Russians were not the first to hack SolarWinds but doesn't name names. President Trump agrees, naming Switzerland.

I tried SolarWinds a long time ago. It was a real pig. That aside, it's time to get SolarWinds servers back to a blank state and install something else. SolarWinds was warned about this at least a year ago, plus the Russians weren't the only ones in there.

On the other hand, the hacking has done a lot for world relations: nation-states get to sit in our important servers, pooling resources and getting along like never before.

• I washed my blanket. An entire dog came out of it. Penny was incredulous, stuck her nose into it, and vowed to start all over again.

December 21st, generally in most years, is the birthday of the great Frank Zappa.

The man managed to do what few ever did: wrote his own music and funded it. This was more incredible because it's not like the music got a lot of support on radio. Or much of anywhere else. The fans bought it. Zappa would pay the entire band to rehearse for a few weeks, then tour. He always got the best, because only the best could play his music. He was a ferocious and different guitar player, who sometimes put down his axe and literally led the band with his trusty baton. He was more than intelligent, to the point that he could hold his own with any interviewer and members of Congress.

We will never see another like him. Nobody puts that kind of wit on top of that kind of complexity, or instrumental complexity by itself. Fortunately we have a lot of audio and video he left behind. The movie put together by Alex Winter (Bill and Ted) is now available for viewing online. 

Mrs lefty refers to some of the instrumentals as Cartoon Music. It took a while, but I've come to really appreciate it. I don't understand classical music or composition, but he helped a lot. One of his biggest influences was Edgar Varese. If you listen to any Varese, you'll immediately understand. And Frank would just sit there at the piano and compose. It baffles me where his music came from. I wish I were half of Zappa. A quarter. His fans are rabid: some can tell you which show at the Tower Theater in Philly was better- early or late.

I was totally blown away when I first heard Billy the Mountain. The song was edited so it only took up one side on the album. It was a story from beginning to end and pretty funny/absurd. Songs just didn't take up half an album - even from Yes. The band included Flo&Eddie, aka The Turtles (Happy Together, which they did on the Live at the Fillmore 1970). To learn and perform 22-30+ minutes of song is ridiculously difficult, moreso to Zappa's specifications. 

[sigh]

More terrible news: guitar legend Leslie West's heart gave out and he's on a respirator.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Kidney Stones the Size of Boulders in the Arizona Snow

 

Your love is like  green eggs 

• This morning Windows said it couldn't connect to my home network, then offered to let me disconnect from it.

Weather News

The news is screaming SNOW - SNOW! Of course they're screaming snow - we're 5 days out so it will probably be 75 degrees instead. Regardless, there will be PANIC in the streets, with no more bread or milk left at the stores. A recent survey revealed that people don't eat much bread or milk, so we think this is programmed behavior (like watching tv shows with judges).

Sane men and women, about 6% of the population, have different reactions to snow.

HIM (me): grumble. This is not even a climate. grumble.

HER (her): I got the shovel out, found your gloves, and got some snow melter that's ok for pets.

Let's forward to late December.....

HIM: It's holiday time - time to make the cookies! I got the mixer out, found your cookie sheets, and stocked up on chocolate chips.

HER: Tell me again how you wound up in the hospital with 4 broken limbs...

• The "biggest snowstorm in years" has been forecast for the Northeast US. You can tell they're serious because they said 'blockbuster', 'nor'easter', and used numbers like 2', 47", and I-95. How do storms know to go up I-95?
• Forecasters said there will be low pressure, high pressure, and winter wonderland. There is a lot of room for interpretation, which means the storm could hit the west coast or the east coast.
• Frosty the Snowman has fled to Bermuda, you can't find a snowblower in the continental US, and everybody working from home is going to... continue working from home. California governor Gavin Newsum said the storm may not enter California without a vaccine certificate.

Today I identify as  yellow snow

I just discovered our tv gets a Delaware station. My favorite is their news: it's channel 69. Can you imagine trying to say 69 News with a straight face? The anchors are taught to think of dead relatives (or baseball) for the first few weeks.

On the other hand, everybody in Delaware, when asked where they get their news, screams "69!!"

• Ghislane Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein associate, denies "whatever they're accusing me of" and seeks $28.5 million bail so I can be killed outside of the prison, instead of inside  so I can disappear before my trial  so I can get facial surgery to appear on tv as the new, retarded Kardashian.

Dear lefty  

• What do I do if it snows?
• shovel, idiot 

• Louis Farrakhan, Nation of Islam leader and friend of the Jews, referred to the Flying AIDS vaccine as 'toxic waste' and to white people as 'crackers'.
• Farrakhan, a race-baiting, antisemitic black man, has all the charm of Charles Manson, without the humor.

Mark this date: The FDA finds Moderna vaccine safe and 94% effective. This is the 2nd vaccine, after Pfizer-BioNTech. 1 issue is the Pfizer vaccine requires -70C (4 kiloliters) Very Cold Storage (VCS), which not all transport and hospitals are equipped for. Moderna requires -20C (4 grams). The FDA will also vote on labeling things in Farenheit, noting "the rest of the world can suck it."

I have an idea: let's put the board members of Pfizer and Moderna into cold storage until their vaccines meets their claims, with little in the way of side effects.

Rammstein Air Base, in Germany, alerted staff of a potential incoming missile. Then it alerted staff that this was part of a "training exercise."

Because America's massive German hub can't tell the difference between an incoming missile and a (surprise?) training exercise.

My car insurance has been calling me since the accident, for some reason. Whie nobody will ever understand car insurance, I figured sending them an email that said "It's totaled" would be sufficient. They keep telling me to create an account online. I did - that's how I sent them the email. I could see where this was going.

Not needing the headache, I called.

Thank you for calling Grubby Insurance. Your time is important to us. You can handle whatever you're calling for online. Press 1 to file online, press 3 to wait for the next available claims representative, press 7 for janitorial." 

Your time is honestly quite trivial to us, so wait until someone gets around to answering the phone.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, here's my claim number.

Ok, hold on, I'll transfer you to collision.

Why did you tell me to call you if you're going to transfer me?

It's part of our No Care service.

BLEEP. Thank you for calling Grubby Insurance. Your time is important to us. You can handle whatever you're calling for online. Press 1 to file online, press 33742Q* to wait for the next available claims representative, press 7 for suicide." 

Hi, I'm Bambi. What's your name, your date of birth, shoe size, and how much sex do you get, on average?

I'm sorry, what does this have to do with my claim?

Absolutely nothing. We just like to see if you'll answer the questions.

This is an exercise in futility.

yahoogroups, truSir, I forgot to remind you that this call may be recorded, to help with training, or because we just like a good laugh. The agent who upsets the caller the most each month wins a trip to North Dakota.

I am featured in training calls across the country. 

But seriously, where's the car. Can we have it? Does your wife have big boobies?

Hang on a second... the axle broke, the car is totaled. Why are we continuing to talk?

Because we'll tow your car, in case it hasn't gotten tired of being towed yet, and pay you its value, minus your $5,000 deductible.

When did this become Obamacare? Rest assured that the green book value on an old car would have us pay you to total it.

That's the point of insurance, Sir. You bet a huge corporation that something bad is going to happen to something and pay them for it. Then if something bad happens, you pay them for it.

That's quite a racket.

We think so.

Well, Bambi, it's been a pleasure.

Thank you for calling Grubby!

• If you're in a Yahoogroups group, it has shut down. Check groups.io to see if it migrated there. Maybe Google groups. Maybe it never migrated and you're screwed. Faceyspaces too.

I've mentioned Mrs lefty loves her true murder tv shows and books. If I'm not heard from in 48 hours, they'll never find my body. Murder isn't my thing, but I'm really curious why some of the female whackjob killers are so attractive. Jodi Arias, Amanda Knox... poor guys had no idea they were with the Psycho Murder Girlfriend from Hell. Arias liked her boom boom kinky.. the guy had no chance. Maybe male spiders find the red hourglass irresistible....

I'm 99% sure Mrs lefty is not a crazy nutball killer... if she were, I'd have been dead a long time ago.  Just to make sure, I make certain it's not more financially advantageous to kill me than to keep me. As soon as there's too much insurance, it's just too tempting (especially when I'm in one of my itchy moods for a month or so). 

• The US Treasury's email has been intercepted by a nation state. Panic ensued. Russia, the nation state responsible, said no, they'd never do anything like this and are hurt by the suggestion. They also said, "You spelled trillion wrong."

We just took our first ride in the new car. I hated like hell to start out with a complaint, but if the Bluetooth fits.... you can't set up much of anything on the radio because it helps you keep safe by not allowing the driver to take their eyes off the road. Did the designers think there may be no passenger capable of doing things? Why do we need to be protected in the first place?  Oh, lawyers.

After parking, I was allowed to play with the radio. I know this stuff has been around for years, but not for us: we called my mom through the car's audio system. Mom could not have understood what this meant before her decline, but she was overjoyed we got a car. We're taking her out this week.

The important test (drum roll, please) was getting my phone's custom music player to play through the car. And dammit - IT DID! Again, no big deal, but after having 2 cars with no AUX IN or Bluetooth, this was like heaven. No more FM radio! I felt free, joyous, and maybe a bit orgasmic. Have you listened to FM radio? We have 1 current and classic rock station, and 1 classic rock station that plays the same songs by the same artists all day long, then all week long. Listening to local radio here has been deemed torture under the Geneva Convention. Incidentally, I went to the Geneva Convention - it was long and boring as hell. Trust me, you don't want to see Henry Kissinger drunk, doing a striptease on his table. Ironically, this was also outlawed under the Convention.

Mrs lefty's eyes went back in her head when she discovered the heated seat switch. I find it creepy, but can't explain why. Maybe it was the weekend at that Mormon camp....   Anyway, we were 2 kids with new toys. Unfortunately we had to drive our new toys to CostCo. You have no idea how difficult it was to go, wear a mask, and keep my mouth shut about it. It physically hurt. There was a huge display of Old Spice. Of course there was a huge display of Old Spice - Old Spice is for displaying, not selling. Smelly Stuff is the gift you give when you want to really piss someone off. No thanks, no cologne for me - if I want to keep people away, I use my personality. We also found a temperature-controlled smart mug. Of all the random Internet of Things silliness, a smart mug? Does it tweet you when your coffee is ready? Does it send a note to all your Faceyspaces friends, telling them your tea is ready? Does it keep updating your temperature status? Keep track of all the likes? And the death threats?

I was texting my family and got a text that said "Bob liked your post".

WTF - is this Faceyspaces? We're now liking posts in text? Isn't it bad enough people can use emojis in texts? I can't wait til my texts start to get erased because of content...

• People are buying up large-size rations, doomsday bunker firm sees 2,000% interest rise. 
• Conspiracy theorists' motto: We're not conspiracy theorists, we're futurists.

Discovery Science is a pretty damn interesting channel. You can find out how stuff is made by watching How It's Made. You can watch all sorts of sciencey shows about bugs and microscopic organisms that invade the human body and are very difficult to diagnose and treat. Much like any other network on any other topic, I'm not fond of any show that cuts away to anyone, sometimes an 'expert', and they talk. If you see a person talking, turn the channel.

Time is a very complex subject. It doesn't technically exist, being a manmade construct, like Oprah. [cut to person talking] 

"Time is very complex." The caption under the person talking says Ted Kaczynkski, bicycle repairman. A few more words from the voiceover person, who is Morgan Freeman 87% of the time. 

"Time is also relative." - Bill Szymszyk, breadmaker. 

Morgan Freeman: In fact, time differs between you on the ground and you in an airplane.

"But only by a very small amount." - Barbara Timesly, model airplane builder.

Morgan Freeman: Larger differences in time are found on spaceships.

"Spaceships, depending on speed, can complete a journey of 1 year and when they return, the Earth is 75 years older." Doctor of Astrophysics, writer of '39', famous guitar player Brian May, of Queen.

"Doesn't anybody ever ask experts anymore?"  - Dr Michio Kaku, theoretical physicist, wannabe tv star.

"Time is also relative to the cost of your watch." - Captain Obvious, wannabe comedian.

"Time is something you don't want to spend with your relatives." - Aflac Gottfried, tv duck.

Morgan Freeman: Time is getting way out of hand.

"I wrote Time." Alan Parsons, producer and part time umbrella.

"The Time I wrote never left the charts." David Gilmour, Pink Floyd guitarist, wannabe coat check girl.

And this is why you don't watch tv shows with 1 person talking as an 'expert'. - lefty, blogger of no repute, wannabe mid level rock star.

Know what's cool?

I have a preview function for the blog so I can see what it's going to look like, and it still looks horrid. When one has a talent, one shares.

SJW Squandering  

Claremont Unified Methodist Church set up a nativity scene, with a small twist: in the manger are masked people with BLM and I can't breathe signs. Church leaders say they hope the display doesn't anger people....