2022 Summer Philly Guitar Show - the lefty Report

 

We took our twice-yearly religious pilgrimage to the guitar show. It's always best to go an hour or two after they open, at very least, because the line is beyond belief, and slow. As I pay, it flips me out that the blonde lady taking my money used to be a little squirt of a child, running around behind the table. Yeah, I've been going to guitar shows for quite a while. This one is run by Bee-3 Guitars.

It was a bit smaller than normal and the hall was changed. Whoever put up the signs has a drinking problem, so it took us a while to find the right hall. It was fun, as these things are supposed to be. There was something for everyone, from beginner Hello Kitty guitars to $45,000 vintage Stratocasters. Lots of new and old amps, from the latest Line 6 digital to the oldest Fender tweed Champs. Pedals, pickups, straps, screws, pickguards, and soda. There were even women. The history of women and guitar shows is long and storied. It was only really fun when booths hired hotties to walk about with guitars, but it went downhill from there. Sometimes you can spend hours looking at guitars without seen a single woman. Sometimes there are many. I was shocked talking to a female vendor, MUCH younger than me, about one of my guitars. The girl knew her stuff. It was nice to see someone who knew her stuff and was a female. It's only recently that this has started happening and I say go for it, provided you know your stuff. I'm speaking strictly professionally. As more people go to the shows, they bring their wives.

I was laughing with a vendor about a really expensive Komet head he had, and he suggested I throw 'the girl' in. The girl was Mrs. lefty, who thought it was hilarious. Other women might not. That's one of the reasons I married her. Mrs. lefty was very popular at the show. I stood back and watched people looking at her; it was kind of funny. I knew if I wanted something, all I had to do was send her to get it. I may get ignored, but she doesn't.

There was a huge used pedal dealer. I spent some time looking over his inventory and asked his opinion on how a certain artist got a certain tone - was it an envelope follower? He said yeah, that guy uses all sorts of distortions and filters. Ok then, I guess you don't have anything to sell me. He sure had a lot of pedals.

As far as lefties go, this was considerably better than the last show, where there was approximately one. While I didn't fall madly in love with any of them, there were two I liked, a Taylor acoustic and a Fender AVRI Strat with a killer soft-V neck. After discussions on this neck and a 58 Strat neck, I'm told I want a softer V neck - not regular V. My only choice in Fender is to go through Custom Shop (or find an affordable lefty 58 Strat - yeah, right).

Here's what I saw...

SG and Les Paul

a pair of Univibes with cases - pure unobtainium

Fender Masterbuilt SRV Lenny - $12k

you don't see a lot of lefty Bigsbys

lower line Martin

Tele, AVRI I liked, Player Strats

Taylor 214 CE xx12Uwhatever - great guitar, great neck

older lefty P-Bass

60th Anniversary Strat

how many lefty Gibson ES335s do you see?

used Martin DT1216GT(?)

Orville Les Paul

J-Bass

tiny Marshall

breathtaking inlay on Gibson J200

Ricks, Strats

John Lennon Epi

check out the color on this newer Tele

If you haven't been to a guitar show, you need to attend. If you have, you need to attend again. 

Guitar Show Calendar

BEE-3 Vintage guitar shows

Your Mother Sucks YooHoo with a Straw

Bought an HP printer lately? They would like you to approve sending data to them about your device and what you print. And join their Ink Club. Haven't seen this on linux after I bought my new printer. Windows beware.



Our best wishes for the people of Dallas, who just got hit with a tornado.
Remember: for every massive, dangerous event, there will be hundreds who walk into it to take video.



Dear lefty

• Why do people behave so poorly while driving or online?
• Because if you put a windshield or keyboard in front of people, you get Instant Asshole<tm>.

No thank you, I'd rather  wear a MAGA hat to an antifa riot

• In China, knives are registered to a person's ID and must be kept tied down.
• The UK is jealous.
• There are surveillance cameras everywhere.
• The US is jealous.
• Children are looked out for when parents are sent to re-education camps.
• Bill De Blasio is jealous.

• I'm sure it's physics, but I'm not too good with physics. When I pick up one of those tumblers that keep coffee warm and push the button, it goes POP, and sprays coffee in my face. Now I know how Mrs lefty feels.

Today I identify as my wife's bra - I hold them up all day

• True to its idiotic functions, the Senate passed a ransomware law. It will 'protect' Chuck Schumer's district schools from ransomware.
• Schumer is also working on a law to protect schools from bad weather and cancer.

Come for the disaster, stay for the finger-pointing

Councilman "mind-boggled" by Baltimore City IT department ineptitude.

This is irony in its highest form: a councilman being mind-boggled, and referring to a department as inept.

Not that he doesn't have something of a point.... IT audit information was kept on individual computers, not on servers, and not backed up. That's certainly inept. I think the entire process should be audited, from acquisition to education, to actual use. I have a hunch there will be 'irregularities' found at each step.

Meanwhile, the taxpayers are on the hook for $18 million (so far). Because you KNOW no one else is going to pay... the taxpayers will soon be mind-boggled too.




Heroes of the Stupid

A five year autistic old boy has been put on record as a sex offender after hugging a classmate.

Tesla's autopilot has been found partially responsible for a crash on an L.A. freeway. Out of a long ride, the 'driver' had his hands on the wheel for 51 seconds, none of which were close to the crash, when he was looking down at something. The manual repeatedly states not to do this. He had a copy of the manual, but never read it.  Once again, the technology is not ready for prime time.



SJW Ravings

Mattel's newest dolls can be boys, girls, neither, or both.

• Quantum doll: identifies as both, but only when you observe it
• Republican doll: refers to abortion as murder, blames democrat doll, raises taxes and debt
• Democrat doll: criminalizes speech, blames republican doll, raises taxes and debt
• Libertarian doll: leaves the other dolls alone, why are you asking?
• Car Mechanic doll: looks roughly the same, regardless of gender
• Common features: believe they can be anything! (by claiming they are)
• Hollywood doll: identifies as neither gender, identifies as important, blames republican doll

Seattle Public Schools have a K-12 Math Ethnic Studies Framework.
You read that right.
Allow me to give you highlights:

Power and oppression, as defined by ethnic studies, are the ways in which individuals and groups define mathematical knowledge so as to see “Western” mathematics as the only legitimate expression of mathematical identity and intelligence. This definition of legitimacy is then used to disenfranchise people and communities of color. This erases the historical contributions of people and communities of color.

Students will be confident in their ability to construct & decode mathematical knowledge, truth, and beauty so they can contribute to their experiences and the experiences of people in their community 

Mathematical theory and application is rooted in the ancient histories of people and empires of color

​Where does power and oppression show up in our math experiences?

How has math been used to resist and liberate people and communities of color from oppression?

Gravity is culturally oppressive, By accepting the white definition of gravity as 'a law,' it oppresses people of color and people who see gravity as more of a suggestion.   [I made this up]

This can't be real. If it is, I'm even more glad I don't have kids.


New York City attacks the First Amendment with a $250,000 fine for saying "Illegal Alien." This is patently unconstitutional and will fall with the first lawsuit.




This is a 1979 left handed Fender antigua Stratocaster.
Underneath is my well-played 1977, which is my favorite.
I want this guitar very badly.
The guitar store wants $4,000 plus shipping (from Japan). The guitar is worth maybe half that. This is the major problem with being left handed.
I am sad.

1979 lefty Fender antigua Stratocaster

my 1977 lefty Fender antigua Stratocaster

Juggling Disney

We went to the mall yesterday.
That is usually enough for an entire blog entry, and this did not disappoint.

There are 2 guitar stores there, so there's something for me. And when I say something for me, I mean a place to look at backwards (right handed) guitars and note the extreme non-presence of lefties. I know that it's not economically feasible to carry a ton of lefties, but there are virtually none in most stores. And the ones that are present are starter junk.

The salespersons are sympathetic to my plight, but can't do anything. Some even note they get significant calls for lefties, but have little inventory. It's like ordering a few lefties causes physical pain for Manglement. One can go into Guitar Center and note an absolute ton of guitars there; few if any lefties. It's like the Cheese Shop sketch.

"Yes, we have a lot of guitars."
But I can't find a lefty."
"We have a ton of guitars. This is the best shop in the state."
How do you reckon this?
"We have a ton of guitars. It's a very clean shop."
Well, it's certainly clean of lefties.

Hey, I want to check out some necks on Fenders. Do you have the backwards versions?  Yes, one. A cheap one.  I see.

"But the warehouse might have one. You'll have to pay for it in full before we can order it, but you have a 45 day return option."

Ummm.. do you think I'm really that stupid? Would you buy a guitar you can't play beforehand?


Hey, Fender put out a 70s Strat. Lemme see - I know they're made left handed.
This is NOT a 70s Strat. I have a number of them and this guitar in no way resembles them. The alleged 70s Strat has a 2000s neck. What's wrong with Fender? Do they get better drugs than we do? Why do all the 50s reproductions have 2000s necks? HELLO... IS ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION AT FENDER?

So there was no surprise there.

-------------------------

We located a Disney store. It's virtually unheard of in our neighborhood, so in we went. Disney decided a while back to stop selling shirts and accessories for adults and concentrate on kids. This ignores a huge market - adults love Disney. Mrs. lefty adores Eeyore. She has Eeyore mugs, Eeyore socks, Eeyore clothes, and even Eeyore underwear. Being a resourceful type, I even looked for bras. There are no Eeyore bras.

The employees at Disney are among the most friendly in retail. I strongly suspect they go through 'training' at the Mouse House. The training involves blinky lights and things that go around a lot... "Pay attention to the spinning wheel. You are getting very sleepy. You LOVE Disney. You REALLY love Disney. In fact, you ARE Disney. You eat, sleep, and drink Disney. Your entire life is in service to The Mouse. You will be nothing but friendly and encourage the customers to buy more overpriced stuff at all times. When you wake up, you will have no memory of our little chat.... 1... 2... 3... and now you're awake."

We were approached by no fewer than six helpful, cheerful Mouse Workers. They were so happy that my subconscious was trying to drag my body out of the store. Upon checking out, the lovely checkout lady asked if we minded carrying the stuffed Eeyore we bought.

Huh?
I helpfully suggested an actual bag. You know bags - you get them in every store in the civilized world (and New Jersey).

"Yes, we've gone green and no longer have bags," she said smugly... like she was in California and was doing something great for the planet.

Huh?
"But you can buy this cloth one for 99 cents."
Huh? (she must have thought I was 'slow')

The Smug was heavy in the store.

Anybody who has ever been in customer service (or awake while working) knows you don't take something away and not provide an alternative. An alternative that the customer isn't required to pay extra for. This is stupid, even by Disney standards. I could almost see the blinky lights and the spinning round wheel (it doesn't work on ADHD people, who can't pay attention to spinning wheels and blinky lights long enough to have any effect).

So if I understand correctly, customers are supposed to walk around the mall with huge stuffed Disney figures or ten little stuffed animals, dropping them all over the place. The other stores laugh and say 'they just came from Disney'. Maybe it's just cheap advertising for Disney. Instead of a DISNEY plastic bag, people see all the DISNEY stuff you just bought. On the floor.

Mrs. lefty loves the hell out of large bags with handles, so she said buy one. It's not the 99 cents - it's the principle (my standing on principle is a recurring theme - one that causes me no end of inconvenience. I'm a pro at shooting myself in the foot - I can hit my foot from across the mall). Naturally the bag has a humongous Disney outline on it, so there's no doubt in anyone's mind where you bought it from. And that you paid for the ($&#ing bag.

----------------------

"Are you finding everything ok?"

How many times have you heard this? We were asked this no fewer than 4 times at Victoria's Secret.  By the way, Victoria's Secret is how they get people to pay so much for so little. Like swimsuits, there is an inverse relationship: the less material in the garment, the more it costs.

NO, we're NOT finding everything ok. In fact, we're not finding ANYTHING.
We're wandering from table to table, looking at Stuff. We are playing the 'Let's find something in the store under $75' game.  We noticed Pink (brand) sweatpants for $60. I asked if we covered over the Pink, would the price tag magically lower itself to $9.99?

In a previous store, I noticed a young teenager wearing the absolute tightest shorts I've ever seen. Wife says everybody's wearing them. I'm flummoxed.. so tight that they look like they're sprayed on... to paraphrase Ren and Stimpy's Pope (voiced by Frank Zappa, RIP), "Cling tightly to my buttocks. Both of them?"

I am not my parents. These shorts look quite fine, but not on a teenager. If they weren't black, I'd swear she wasn't wearing anything. Again, this is just fine on legal age women who can wear them well, but I'd get arrested for looking at them on young girls.

Victoria's in an interesting phenomenon. Basically it teaches young girls it's ok to wear lingerie. And $50 thongs. I'm no prude and people can wear whatever they like, but this is interesting.

In happier news, TUBE TOPS ARE BACK!  They're my favorite. I always tried to get Tube Top Tuesdays instituted at work. I was all kinds of excited until Mrs lefty popped up to pop my bubble, reminding me the only people who will be wearing them are the people who shouldn't be wearing them. She's right, and not only because I have to agree. We also noticed that the largest size in anything in the store is Extra Small. So not only is Victoria's for underage girls to spend more money they don't make; it's for very skinny, petite girls. Normally this would be like Disneyland for me (girls without bags to carry them in?), but again, they're underage. I don't want to be Jethro Tull's old man sitting on the park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. But let me say something positive about the store: Mrs lefty says their bras are very good and long-lasting. So there's $99 well spent.

As if thongs weren't enough, you can now buy them flat, without lines.
Because no self-respecting woman would want anyone to know their thong has lines (when they bend over and the thong has ridden up their back). Again, the wrong people are wearing them.

"I wear thongs because it makes me sexy to the guys."
Maybe, maybe not. You'd be better served losing 100 of your 300 pounds, though... most men are incapable of mounting a Volkswagen, Hon.

And now I'm going to be called fat-phobic. Even though they're facts.
Actually, if I can get a campaign going to smear me, I'll get way more hits!

---------------------

Since I was with a woman, we stopped at the Lotion and Candle store.  The only men in the store were the ones dragged in by their spouses and the overtly gay employees. Candle stores, makeup stores, and shoe stores. I have no idea why, but it's an observation. The men dragged in by their spouses all had that faraway look, as if they were really not there; perhaps preferring to be on a rack, being tortured by Dick Cheney.

Candle stores are a license to print money. Throw some scented wax in a glass jar and you can charge $37.50 for it (on sale, naturally). If you buy 3 pumpkin spice lotions, you get 2 free (for only $24.99 each). I was incensed (get it?) because they had no rock or dirt scent. This only warmed me up for the biggest piece of genius since P.T. Barnum: the 3 wick candle. This thing is marketing and profit genius the likes of nothing ever seen before.. stay with me... Put three wicks in your normal candle. The candle now burns 3 times faster, and you can charge more money for it! Disney is jealous.

While there, a non-blinky lighted happy salesperson asked if we were looking forward to fall. WHAT? We just got used to spring/summer (we only have 2 seasons where I live - spring/summer and fall/winter). There are decent temperatures among the disgusting hot and humid ones, and it only rains 3 days a week instead of 5. No, we're not looking forward to fall. Plus the @&$(*ing leaves to rake.


So yeah, whenever I walk through a mall, I'm mentally writing this blog.

========================

No single topic blog rant would be complete without a rant on country music. 

There is a band called Big & Rich on tv. They are referred to as country music. Boy, country music has changed since I started avoiding it. The lead singer is black. I know many black lead singers, but this is the first time I've seen a black country lead singer (yes, I know they exist - I just don't watch country music). The drummer has a huge, metallic drum kit and a huge mohawk. There are always at least 4 guitar players in country music, but you can never hear more than one at a time. And since there are 4 guitars, there's also a lone banjo, in the back, in the corner, where all banjos belong. Fortunately the sound man 'forgot' to mic the banjo, so no one is subjected to it. Someone in the audience complained to the sound man they couldn't hear the banjo. The sound man smiled and said 'You're welcome.'

The singers alternate. The white one looks like a country version of Kid Rock, only less trashy. The joke's on the audience, as it's not possible to be more trashy than Kid Rock.

The lead guitarist must've been freshly recruited from a rock or metal act. This guy had all the riffs down to be in a pretty good rock band. I was impressed. This must be why people hate country music. I hear a lot of moaning about how new country music sucks (how does one differentiate it from the traditional country music suckage?). They want to hear ole Hank Williams and plastic-haired Conway Twitty. I swear if that hair hit the floor, it would bounce and injure at least 3 pairs of feet. So the traditionalists are against uptempo and rock-influenced country. Ironically, this stuff sells big time and there are more country fans than ever. Like Katy Perry and any form of rock and roll.

=========================

No single topic blog rant with a country music rant attached would be complete without another random rant. 

There is wonderful news in the medical field: surgeons have pioneered an operation that gives paralyzed people some function in their hands. It's a minor miracle and I am really happy for these folks.

That's the good news.

The bad news is what I saw about it on the news: they told everyone the good news, then they showed the operation, complete with the arm opened and the blood vessels and guts and Victoria's thongs and country music visible for all to see. I was nauseated. My breakfast told me to stop eating it.

Ridgecrest, California just suffered a 7.1 earthquake.

Quick to action, the governor just signed legislation making earthquakes illegal.

A Florida man pretending to be police pulls over a real policeman. It didn't go well.

SJW Stuff

from Twitter:
Air-conditioning is unhealthy, bad, miserable, and sexist. I can’t explain how may times I’ve gotten sick over the summer b/c of overzealous AC in offices. #BanAC

Rich Inner Lives

Come to think of it, all of us here at ThermionicEmissions, including Penny the Wonder Barker, have rich inner lives.

Mrs. lefty has multiple personalities, so it's never quiet upstairs. It's described as a playground where everybody's playing Whisper Down the Lane at once.
Penny jumps around and barks in her sleep, so that must be interesting too.
From descriptions, I have the best and most animated inner life.

There was the time Marshall came into bed, walked around on my chest til he found a comfortable spot, then went to sleep on my chest. I have absolutely no knowledge of this. It makes me wonder what other kinds of things happen in my sleep that I don't know about. It might also explain the pains that I get in my.. never mind.

Not comfortable with being a part-time dog bed, I apparently provide no end of audio entertainment. I laugh, cry, fight, and sing in my sleep. This is somewhat confusing, as I can't sing in real life. Can you imagine having to tell the club owner that we have to postpone the show - til I'm asleep?

I'm further informed that one does not want to be in the bed with me.
Actually, this is not news - I've been told for years that women don't want to be in bed with me. The specific here is that I reach out, grab, and occasionally punch the air. Mrs lefty tries not to be the air that gets punched. It may also explain the brick wall down the middle of the bed, and the bloodstains on my knuckles.

This is fairly fascinating to the wife, who monitors me closely while I sleep, perhaps waiting anxiously for my last breath. I thought it was funny at first, but it continues and gets worse: the exorcist was not worth what he was paid.

So that's my exciting inner life.
It's a shame that my real life is nowhere near as exciting. I was thinking of switching places, but considering some of the dreams I've had, I'll keep things as they are for now. No one wants to go Up There and see what's going on.

• Fender sent an email about a Telecaster promotion. Noting the link, I went to check it out. Fender has 36 righty Teles and 3 lefty Teles.  yawn.

Dear lefty:

• Did you know Border Collies are among the smartest dogs?
• Did you know that if you have sex with someone who has a cold and get the cold, it's considered a sexually transmitted disease?

I had to quit therapy - if I got my issues fixed, I wouldn't be funny anymore.

Some would argue that train left the station a long time ago.

• The other day, one of my work systems identified a connection to Microsoft as malware. The computers are finally starting to agree with me!

Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Hills are a tool of white privilege.

• We're going to look back on this period and laugh. 
• But not in a good way.

It's been a long time since I recommended any music.

Let's keep it that way.

Speaking of which, ZZ Top is touring again/still. Talk about some hard workin' men. You should see them - always entertaining. Wave to us - I'll be the one with the hat. Also pick up Billy Gibbons' solo albums.

Seriously, folks, get out there and support your favorite acts. They're getting up there and you never know what will happen. My heroes are all in their 70s. I see them every chance I can, whenever I can get someone to help steer the rocket-propelled Chevrolet.

Air Escaping from Your Buttocks

Musical Appreciation Time

This was my least favorite class in school. Sure, I'm a musician, but lyrics baffle me. If I had my way, and I make a point of it, we'd just banish them from music. It's like Shakespeare: it's simply not written to be understood. "Oh Capulet... wherefore art thou, Montague - the kettle's on the boil and we're so easily drawn away." How do you interpret this stuff?

So let's go.
Today's entry is from Procol Harum. Right off the bat we're in trouble, because we can't even understand the name. In fact, we can't even tell what language it's in. Might be English - who knows?  The song is called Conquistador. Another way we can tell we're in trouble is that he pronounces it ConKWIStador. Two countries separated by a common language.

So one day, Famous Rock Star Gary Brooker sits down and says to himself, "Self, I need a hit to follow Whiter Shade of Pale. Hey, why don't I write a song about Spain's failed conquering activities in some dinky country, probably in northern South America, where the natives are less than happy to see them?"  Because this is always the first thing that comes to mind when searching for song topics.

Conquistador your stallion stands, in need of company 

And like some angel's haloed brow, you reek of purity.

 Are we done yet? I am.
We can safely assume a conquistador, however it's pronounced, is one of those Spanish guys who went around causing havoc, conquering land and people, in the name of the queen (Elton John, before he became a Sir).  His horse is lonely, for some reason, and he's really really pure. Do we seriously want to know what pure meant, way back then?

And though you came with sword held high, you did not conquer - only die.

 Now we've hit the crux of the biscuit.
This is a a delightfully witty way of defining abject failure.


And this is why I failed literature and music appreciation.



We bid fond farewell to Daryl Dragon, better known as the Captain, from the Captain and Tenille. Love won't keep them together.




Dear lefty

• Blog Ignorer Chng Ng, of the University of No Vowels, Wales, asks why don't you show your face?
• Dear Cheech: Ask me that question when you're back in men's clothes.

Is it too late for updated Chrsitmas songs? [yes]

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
I'm Dreaming of a White Woman
My Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
The Little Jewish Boy: I'm Hasidic, baruch atah tah



Speaking of little Jewish boys, the world has come a long way. Or a short way, depending on your perspective.

My extensive research (I asked a Jew I know) revealed how difficult it was growing up Jewish. Her friends' parents looked at her suspiciously, almost as they'd look at a black girl, but less. In school she'd have to sing Christmas songs - one didn't opt-out then. When she asked about Hanukkah songs, the teacher blew a spring and the class snickered at her. When her mom watched the neighbor's kids while the mother was having another one, they thanked her and said they didn't know Jews could be so nice.

Seriously?

In other directly sourced items, Wife survived Catholic school and got the t-shirt. She said they barely said a word about Jews, other than they were the devil. Wife thought they had horns or something... she didn't know how else to pick them out.

Seriously?




I miss Leon Russell.
He was a member of the Wrecking Crew - the studio guys who played on everyone's records from Sinatra to the Beach Boys. He did solo stuff, he was Joe Cocker's bandleader for the Mad Dogs and Englishmen tour, and he was always a sight, with long hair and a genuine southern twang. Sir Elton John inducted Leon into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2011. You need to watch this - Elton's speech is heartwarming. If you listen very carefully, Elton's piano playing sounds an awful lot like Leon's. Also check out Tedeschi Trucks Band with the reunited Mad Dogs personnel, Leon included.

Quantum Physics Question: Dave Mason (Traffic) wrote Feelin Alright, one of Joe Cocker's biggest songs. When Dave came out and sang Feelin Alright in Joe's style, did that create some sort of universal vacuum or antimatter?

• We bid farewell to Sondra Locke(74), actress and girlfriend of Clint Eastwood, from complications of cancer.

Apparently I was bored.
A friend popped by and we went for dinner.
When I got home, the phone told me there was an update. This is not right, because I have those services turned off. I told it to go ahead and reboot, at which point they told me I couldn't make phone calls while the phone rebooted. YOU'RE KIDDING.... I can't make phone calls while the phone's off? I'm returning it. I expected better.

During the 90 seconds, I got pretty screens. 5 minutes later, I was looking at the same screens. Lovely.  No matter what I tried, I couldn't reboot the thing. Finally I found it, the phone rebooted, and the update finally completed. Good thing, as I was going to lodge the update in some carrier's nether regions, as soon as I could make a call.  Reminder: BACK YOUR PHONE UP FREQUENTLY. Just in case.

• Once again, the blog stats show some interesting places people have been before arriving here. I don't know who, and I'm not interested. Just that the adult cam sites are apparently very popular with people (don't worry, the stats don't tell me who). Either that or the Adult Anal and Cheating on your wife sites gave up and cam sites took over Troll Duty. So I salute people with interesting lives, unlike mine. Bring us back some video, please. Share with your fellow readers.

Dear lefty

• Captain Shlomo Ionicelli, Italo-Israel Police, wants to know how to get even with his sister for the Hooker Fiasco.
• Get her kids drums for Christmas/Hanukkah

Another day, another Faceyspaces booboo.

Remember they hired factcheckers to fix their 'fake news' problem?

The checkers are walking because Faceyspaces is ignoring their concerns.

• Today's best out-of-context statement: Would you get her poop? 
• Also: When you get a minute, can you come in here and feel my anal gland?

Speaking of pets, do something nice for the holidays (or regularly): your local SPCA, rescue group, and vet can always use Stuff and donations. Our vet has a basket and fund to help people with their bills and foods, including meds your pet didn't use and toys. The SPCA always needs donations - food, towels, money. Rescue groups are funded from the pockets of the volunteers (I used to be one). Marshall will be making a donation this year, unfortunately posthumously.

• Here's a conspiracy so dark, so real, so mean-spirited, that people dare not talk about it: Christmas. Christmas itself can go either way: great or sucky. Thus far, mine is as much fun as chewing glass. Even a voluntary agoraphobe has to get out now and then - I like an occasional weekend jaunt. We were all set, with a plan. Then my brother called: every asshole with a car was on the road. Wife told me you'd have to circle the mall parking lot for an hour to get a spot.
• Christmas has actually prevented me from leaving the house. I will not suffer traffic, wall to wall idiots in malls and no seating in loud restaurants. Three WEEKS in the house.
• It's a madly sadly conspiracy, I tell you. 

Just for your edification, there's a forensic psychologist. In case you know this already, along with Doggie Oncologist, I bet you didn't know there's a forensic geophysicist (in case water or dirt gets murdered).

• The business that's transforming the world of Suck with vacuums and air cleaners, now has a hair dryer. It's all sorts of futuristic, with no visible heater and no visible power switch. It's 299 pounds British (447 gallons American). For that price, it should give you the option of Personal Suck, although I'd be hesitant to test out that function..... don't forget the Vacuum Incident... I haven't.

Guitar Players

Fender has a good article on neck shapes. They go over C, V, and U, with excellent descriptions (very little on radius). The irony here is that most of their guitars come with one generic C-neck. This is my bugaboo with Fender.  If you're a lefty, it's even worse. Either way, you have to spend more because the models with the nicer necks are the special (more expensive) ones, not stock models.

Check out the new Strats: 50s, 60s, and 70s series. They are very reasonably priced and have interesting neck shapes. Naturally they're not listed as available lefty, and Customer Service has not gotten back to me.

If you're interested in necks that aren't their C shape, check out the 70s Tele reissue, Baja Tele (highly recommended), 52 Tele reissue ($$), Jimmie Vaughan (older) Strat, 50s Strat, and the hideously expensive top of the line vintage 50s Strat. If you can find them - I sure as hell can't - lefty or righty. In the 5th largest market in the country, I can't find guitars. What a shithole.

Tech 21 - Guitar Content Only

GUITAR STUFF - read at your own peril


Tech21 is the manufacturer of the famous SansAmp no-amp rigs that plug right into an amp or console. The current series is the Fly Rig, available in basic or different artist flavors. Without even touching the tones, the concept is tremendous. An amplifier/effects rig in a small (12" ?) pedal. A lot of my fellow guitar players keep one of these in their bag in case their amp lets out the Magic Smoke and stops working [Magic Smoke makes all electronics run. If you let the Magic Smoke out, the device won't run anymore]. Some people use these as fly rigs (stop it), where they go to small or hastily put together shows without their amp - they just fly out with one of these boxes. Amp moving costs a lot of money too, especially overseas.

Richie Kotzen has a signature model, which he uses in his everyday rig, into an onstage clean amp. You can't get more authentic than that. He spent a lot of time developing it with Tech21, to their credit.

Tech21 has a page of videos on YouTube, as is mandatory these days. It's great because anyone can hear what they sound like before auditioning one for themselves or ordering one. They're reasonably priced too. And here is where I have a few issues (other issues, thank you). I want to reiterate that these are great pedals and incredibly useful. You're getting my opinion only here.

In the Pete Thorn video, he does a good job demoing the pedal. I'm with him right up until he starts saying it's a great sounding pedal. Pete is a phenomenal guitar player, with a ton of unbelievably good sounding vintage and custom amps. I don't see this kind of comparison as valid. It's not that I don't think the pedal sounds good or works well in a track... it's just the comparison.

In some of the videos, additional pedals are used. I didn't watch the videos to hear how the device sounds with other pedals; I want to hear it by itself. Show me what it can do. Putting a DS-1 in line to sound like Joe Satriani is like putting a Fuzz Face in line to sound like Jimi. Want to impress potential customers? Create the sound with the Fly Rig itself. No, you won't nail Van Halen's Unchained without the external flanger, but that's completely forgivable.

Now that I've given my personal opinion, let me give my personal opinion (on the viability of a Fly Rig in my rig) (sorry). I'm not what you'd call a working musician, as most musicians aren't. However I'm a pretty well-equipped non-working musician. Instead of buying Nice Stuff all my life, everything went into gear. My amps run from a real tweed Champ to a 74 Marshall half stack. I have some concept of tone, and it tends to line up nicely with general consensus.

Quite frankly, the boxes don't sound like or as good as amps. Nothing's wrong here, as one cannot reasonably expect a pedal to sound like a Fender tweed Deluxe or tan Bassman. I'm not all that crazy about the sound. However, I agree with many who carry it in their spares case. I also think it's very valuable for recording, in that the tones will sit nicely in the track, as well as not needing to crank up the Plexi at 2am. Further, I would rather hear the amp behind me, blowing sound at me onstage, not through monitors.

Suggestion: you did a great job on packaging the pedals. They're ideal because they're very small, and that's my issue.. I was not born with balance, grace, or the ability to see well on a dark stage. I'd make the pedal wider, so Stage Ballet isn't necessary. As for width, 12" isn't enough (STOP IT!). I'd give it another 6" or so, to comfortably get my huge, flat feet to hit the correct switch. My feet are so flat (HOW FLAT ARE THEY?) they're so flat that NIST uses them as a standard.

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The Character Series pedals are designed to sound like a specific amp, available in Blonde (60s Fender blonde amps), British (Marshall), and Liverpool (Vox AC30/15), among others. I'll save us a lot of extra reading and say my opinion of these is the same as the Fly Rig: they don't really sound like their name, but they get you in the ballpark and are great as a utility, spare, or recording pedal.

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The future will bring us pedals that sound really close to the original tone. This is happening in software these days, at least in terms of improvements. Software is somewhat (incredibly) difficult to use in a live setting, so it lives in the studio for now. Well.... not entirely... these Tech 21 products are analog (discrete parts, like they used from the first ever pedal). Digital pedals use software to manipulate the bits and bobs to achieve the desired effect (sorry again).

A big problem in any emulator is emulating vacuum tubes (valves in the UK). It's not easy, but if ads are any indication, tubes are important, Most emulators, pedals, and amps use the phrase "Sounds just like tubes". Another bump is emulating 'sag', which is the positive effect of tubes squashing their power supply. One of the best tones ever comes from tubes operating close to their maximum specs.  So TURN IT UP! has a sound basis in electronics, as well as tone.

If you can't get, can't afford, can't tell the difference, or don't want to schlep large, heavy tube amps, buy pedals. This is probably one of the weirdest non-reviews Tech 21 has ever come across.



As one would expect, cheaper clones, made (way) offshore, are available in many flavors, and have their own YouTube videos.





** go ahead - accuse me of being a dinosaur. If using close to the original amplifiers the pedals attempt to emulate is being a dinosaur... if being very picky about tone is being a dinosaur... if Jeff Beck, Jimi Page, and Frank Zappa are still using/used the originals.... I'm a dinosaur. When El Becko and Page hit the stage without their Marshall tube backline and sound seriously good, it will be time for me to give a serious listen to what they're using. When Frank Zappa hits the stage without his impossibly complex tube rig, I will seriously start to question reality. After the show, of course.

Guitar Players: More Options

This might be interesting to guitar players, especially lefties. Normal people have to decide for themselves.


There's never been a better time to be a lefty guitar player.
This is what we call hyperbole.
Let's just say it's an interesting time to play guitar in general. Music is widely available, there's tons of information on YouTube, including pretty difficult songs to play and demos of gear. And makeup tips.


This missive was spawned by a number of developments by Fender. For the longest time, lefties could not purchase any offset Fender (Jaguar, Jazzmaster, etc). Fender has a configurator on their site, where you can pretty much build your own guitar. They just added a lefty option for the Jazzmaster. Regardless of which Fender you want, you should go play with it, to see what you can come up with for your 'dream guitar'. Your choices are Jazzmaster, Stratocaster, Telecaster, P Bass and J Bass; all available left-handed. You can choose wood, finish, hardware, pickups, and neck shape (you can choose a C neck or a slightly larger C neck).

Speaking of offsets, Fender also announced most of the offsets are available on a one time only basis from Fender Japan. You leave a deposit now and they deliver the guitar at the end of the year.

Speaking as myself, which is pretty much the end of the list of people for whom I can speak, I'm not as excited as some offset fans. If I were going to order one (or several) it would be because I wanted them for the collection. After looking and listening, I'm not sure an offset will fit sonically. The output of the pickups is down below my beloved Strat and the guitars sound kinda plinky, lacking sustain. While this may work perfectly for surf music and whatever else, it won't work for me. You don't see many blues and classic rock artists with offset Fenders. Cobain had a modified Jaguar, but he wasn't exactly know for tone. Oddly enough, you can buy a Cobain model (unless you're a lefty, talk about irony).

My big problem... well... the one I'll admit to... is the neck. There are two very important specifications to me: shape and radius. Radius is the curve of the fretboard. The lower the measurement, the more curved the board. The shape is literally the shape of the neck, from the side of the fretboard, around the back to the other side of the fretboard.  Back when Fender first started (1950s), the necks were huge, with a 7.25" radius, and a large V-shape. I grew up with late 70s Fenders, which were very similar to the vintage ones. Fender now refers to this neck as a U shape (I think - they're weird). You cannot purchase this neck on a stock Fender, including the Mod Shop. I spoke to Fender and was told if I don't like the C neck on all of their stock guitars these days, I'm screwed.

Fender has a long history of reproduction guitars, lately 50s, 60s, and 70s. Every time they do this, they mess up an important feature. The current 50s 'correct vintage' Strat has a fairly accurate neck shape, with a 9.5" radius, which was not made in the 50s. So it's somewhat less than correct vintage. Fender is obviously not bothered by this. In fact, only the crazies (who would that be?) are upset. There are U neck guitars available from Fender Japan, which I am investigating. The hurdle here seems to be a very large body of water, plus an exchange rate.


WHAT OTHER CHOICES DO I HAVE?

Glad you asked. Or I would have had to stop typing at the last paragraph.
If you like Fenders, your other choice is custom parts or custom guitars. I'd recommend you check Nash Guitars, somewhere up the the Northeast US, available on Reverb and a few stores. They are very vintage-correct and feel great (ok, the one I picked up backwards in a store). I can't help you with custom guitars, as there are way too many people who do this.

Parts are where it's at if you read this far. The biggest would have to be Warmoth. They have one of everything, at least. You can purchase stock guitars bodies or necks. You can also configure your own. Each step is explained, so you aren't going in blind. The stock necks start at about $150 and go way too far up, depending on whether you need African Pink Cocobora accents with a roasted quarter-sawn maple fretboard, and solid gold inlays of upright vacuums. There is no price difference for lefty or righty. The bodies in stock range from $260 to $600, but again, this is highly variable, depending on whether you like an in-stock body or designing your own.

Warmoth's options for designing your own body and neck go down to minute details. One of the reasons is that you can order what you specified right at the end. Each option has help available, so you're not scratching your head and squinting thoughtfully, in case anyone walks by. I read that your order does not come complete or built. They expect you to get the finish off the frets and put everything together. There may be an option for getting everything done for you but I haven't looked for it.

There is some wild stuff available. You can get wood you've never heard of or seen from countries you've never heard of or seen. Your neck will consist of one piece or a neck and a fretboard, depending on options. You can pick 2 different woods. Some are very colorful, with tonal details explained. You can pick Vintage, Modern, or Hybrid basic designs. This dictates which options you can select. For instance, the 7.25" radius is not available on Vintage, but is on Modern. There are a ton of options for radius, as well as compound radius, where it starts as 10" and goes to 16" at the end. Finished or non, gloss or satin or vintage stained. Even fretboard inlay shapes and colors. The necks are available in many shapes like current, V, soft V, boatneck, thin, and others. Keep in mind that you need to have some idea what shape you want: you can't return it easily. My problem is that I can't find anywhere to play anything other than stock Fender necks. In the fifth largest area in the US, there is nothing but garbage to be seen. Almost zero vintage.

The bodies are where most of the fun is. You can choose most popular body shapes for guitar or bass. Choose the wood, cap if you want it; clear or color finish; transparent, burst, or metallic colors. Mount the pickups on a standard pickguard or to the body. Most kinds of whammy bar. Lots of pickups, mostly Duncan (I like them). Tons of goodies.

When you're done, don't forget the hardware. You have a wide choice of these or you can get them and install yourself.

Again, when you're bored, sit down and have some fun configuring your dream neck and guitar.

Lots of people tell me to just go to Warmoth when I complain about Fender not having what I want. Warmoth is not a bargain outlet. Fender has a few necks they will sell you for exorbitant amounts, which Warmoth happily beats, but if you want one item different from stock, you will pay. Warmoth also supplies some necks to Fender.

For example:
Both guitars are configured as alike as possible, with no extras.
A Mod Shop Fender Stratocaster, lefty or righty, basic options, will cost $1699.
A Warmoth lefty or righty body is $370, body/pickups/hardware is 682.35.  The neck is about $262 without hardware. The grand total is $944.35 plus other stuff.  The difference is $754.65 plus whatever hardware you need and assembly for the Warmoth.  Neither of the prices can come down much, unless you use in-stock bodies and necks at Warmoth, and no body finish.

Or FUN STUFF:
If I changed from the basics on the Fender, it would still be $1699.
My Big Fun Ultimate Quilt Maple Cap, blue stain finish body is $715; $1067 with pickups+hardware. The neck, one piece flame maple is $416 plus tuners, for a grand total of $1483. If money was the only criterion, I'd save about $200 with Warmoth and get exactly what I wanted. Fender would essentially be a stock Fender that was expensive, with zero options for a neck I would play. Oddly enough, neither of these guitars had a lefty upcharge.



Another place I'd highly recommend is USA Custom Guitars. I haven't purchased anything from them yet, but I know stories of customer service and humanity far beyond regular retail.



your mileage may vary

2016 Fall Philly Guitar Show

As it is written, we battened down the hatches, battened up the car, and got off to the Philly Guitar Show, Fall version. As is traditional, is it held nowhere exactly near Philthydephia. Also traditional is making that stupid location reference. Ah, where would we be without tradition?

For health (and sanity) reasons, Mrs leftystrat could not make the trip (she had to wash her hands and couldn't leave for a few hours). The weather was just at the point where a jacket wasn't necessary for us over-padded medium-size manly men. That strange light was in the sky again.

The state has always done interesting things with the roadways in Pennsylvania, the PA Turnpike and Rt 422 being real Standouts of Stupidity. Although PA residents aren't actually sure of WHAT the state does with roadways, we are assured and reminded via almost monthly increases in tolls. Just to make things a little more interesting, the use of EZ-Pass combination tracking device and toll payer is being Highly Encouraged, in the form of many EZ-Pass lanes and a diminishing number of cash lanes. The turnpike exit in question (I am not kidding - this is the butt of jokes nationwide) is King of Prussia. The area has undergone such a ridiculous amount of growth that there have been many road-surgeries to widen ramps and install more toll lanes. This creates yet another excuse for Bad Driver Behavior. There are about fifteen lanes, fed by several distinct ramps, which causes people to veer, cut off, and race at high speed to any of the jumble of strangely-plotted EZ-Pass or a few cash lanes. The only exceptions to this are at rush hour (5:30am - 6pm), when it's the largest parking lot in the state.

Naturally, the exit from fifteen toll lanes boils down to two actual lanes, thus weeding out the men from the women, the children with BMWs purchased by their parents, and any 18 wheelers that can't accelerate fast enough. And people going to guitar shows. Hopefully you took the correct ramp, because if you didn't, you will simply never get to your destination or home. You'll be doomed to wander King of Prussia for several years, or until the next State Improvement that will take five years to build a small ramp that is already overcrowded when it is opened (like all roads in the area).  While you're lost, all roads may or may not lead to the King of Prussia Mall, one of the biggest in the country. Also one of the strangest, due to an asymmetric layout, where the first floor isn't set up like the second floor, plus there are actually three malls joined together by a caterpillar the size of Rhode Island.

Eventually you may or may not stumble onto Rt 422 West, so-named because it doesn't go east. Well, at least until you come home. The state was much more subtle about improvements on 422. Here, to keep attention away from the unbelievably poor condition of 2 two lane highways, they simply installed bumps every few car lengths. Who is going to comment on a few Cadillac-sized holes when your ride goes BUMP..BUMP..BUMP. It's sheer brilliance in a way that should qualify for an award at the National Alliance of State Stupidity Awards. I was passed by a very loud Harley with two very loud riders, straight out of Central Casting. They were mad that I was only going 20 over the speed limit. Seconds later they completely disappeared, probably into a hole under a bump, where they have to keep paying rising tolls every day.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Opening the main doors is fun - you never know what you're going to see. Whatever you see, it's great because this is the damn guitar show; two times a year that I'm likely to have left the house and seen guitars and amps and Stuff. Drop a few bucks in the Greyhound Rescue hat. They always bring a dog or two and they're beyond mellow for dogs that have been thrown out after they're no longer useful for racing. Support your local dog rescue group - all of ours have been rescues.

There were lots of things to see and try out, which was a great improvement over the summer's deathly feeling. All vendor spaces were occupied, including some surprises. You could see all kinds of vintage guitars, incredibly vintage guitars, celebrity-owned guitars (Danny Gatton, Johnny Winter, etc), amps, effects pedals and even a few new things and cheap stuff for beginners. There was a really popular guy who had unfinished guitar bodies but also small (6") bodies, hollowed on top to put picks or business cards in, as well as guitar-shaped cutting boards. Accessories galore.. handmade leather straps, garish straps (my favorite), colored strings, and very interesting people.
 Word to the wise: go for fun. If you go to purchase something, know what you're looking for and what it's worth.

Let's get down to some good old-fashioned visual stimulation, or , as I call it, Guitar Porn...

this is a 1956 Telecaster in mint condition - 3rd year for Teles

yes, it's backwards, but if I had one, it would be in this finish exactly

DHR is a large lefty dealer, which chose to only bring a few non-standard guitars

Danny Gatton (RIP) Fender prototype

1979 Les Paul - weighs more than my car but a hell of a player

1979 Rick 4001 bass

very old Gretsch, maybe a Chet Atkins model

newer Martin - a little stiff

very used Martin

ever been frightened to be near an amp? even before you saw the price? This is more of a megalith than an amp. Orange/Matamp stack.

Reverend had a ton of guitars, plus a pair of lefties. Good value, good guitars, just not for me.

saw a number of Taylor 314s. As a rule, they play better and have better top end than Martins.

a Fender '52 repro Tele, unlike the American Vintage series '52 Tele, also half the price. I'd still go with the the American Vintage for the baseball bat neck.

Last but never least is my dog, Marshall (aka Muppet Paws), and the amplifier named after him (Marshall Code 25).
They both shred but my Marshall shreds tissues.
They both scream but my Marshall screams for people food and dog cookies.
Marshall the Amp is covered in black tolex. Marshall the cocker in black fur.
The amp has a 10" speaker. The dog has two large flaps covering his ears.
We are unsure about getting him an endorsement from Marshall Amplifiers but hope for at least a cover shot and story.
Missing from the shot is a 1974 Marshall half-stack, formerly on tour with UFO and possibly Robin Trower.

And there you have it - the show, minus most of the backwards (right-handed) guitars, which comprised 99.5% of the show.

Philly Guitar Show - Summer 2015

I made my religious pilgrimage to the Philly Guitar Show (in Oaks, PA, naturally) over the weekend.

We got out of the car and went toward the entrance,  noticing a lot of strange-looking people. Very strange-looking people. Remembering that there's typically a reptile show along with the guitar show, we continued.  But these people weren't reptiles. They were wearing really bizarre hats, helmets and clothing.

FURRIES!!!

False alarm - these youngsters appeared to be from the fantasy-prone video generation. There was a gaming show.  And there was no entrance for the guitar show, which was incredibly odd.  We had missed the sign that stated the show was moved to another hall. At said hall, we observed middle-aged dudes out front, smoking. Ah yes, the guitar show.

It was cheaper this year, probably because it was smaller (grumble).  The greyhound adoption people were there, as usual, with three really sweet dogs (throw-aways from dog racing tracks). They have lovely temperaments and are really not that active (two were spread across a large dog bed).

I located a pair of new Taylors; a 200 series ($699) and a 400 series ($1700+).  The 200 felt really nice, with a very comfortable neck and sounded good. The 400 had a more rounded neck and didn't play or sound much better. Although the 400 is obviously better-constructed, I would have bought the 200 if I were in the market.

Lefty Taylor 200 series

Later on I found an interesting burst Strat. It was earlier 70's because it had no serial number on the headstock, no skunk stripe on the back of the neck and a three-position switch. It played pretty well and I inquired about it. Turns out it was a `71 and they wanted $12k for it.  Oops. It sure didn't play that nicely.

There were some beautiful Marshalls there. Breathtaking stuff at breath-stealing prices. There was a `74 100w JTM full stack in pretty good condition. The stack was priced at $3500. I have this head in 50w - getting old sometimes has its advantages. There were some $7k heads and $8k cabinets. I saw an 8x10 cab and all sorts of rare stuff, including a 20w Marshall p.a. (no, really). Don't even ask.

1974 Marshall 100w stack

Usually there are some spectacular really old guitars but I didn't notice too many, as they were all backwards. Ok, there were quite a few 50's Gibsons and Fenders. Sweet stuff. The market must be down, as the prices required only an arm - not a leg too.

BEST TAG of the show award: 1960 Strat - some 1960 parts.



Up near the end, I saw a Fender Coronado in antigua (PUKEBURST)!  Behind it.....
HOLY F---- IT'S A LEFT-HANDED PUKEBURST STRAT!!!  
I have one - it's my #1 guitar. I deperately want a matching Tele but I'm open to another Strat. It could be mine for the bargain price of $2700 (a bit on the high side, to be polite).  After clearing the drool from my mouth, I picked it up and gave it a go. Appearancewise, it was a perfect match to mine.  Playingwise, something was off. I'm out of practice, so that might be it. I'm also experiencing a nasty side effect of a medicine; the shakes. That could be it too.  As the guitar turned out to be local, I wanted to bring my guitar around for a comparison.

1978 LEFTY antigua (pukeburst) Strat

my 1977 lefty pukeburst Strat

When I got home, I picked mine up and it played like butter.  In my substantial experience with late seventies Fenders, there are two necks; Heavenly and DOGS. Mine was heavenly, the other was a DOG.  It would have been nice to have it for the collection but I obviously don't have unlimited funds.

Got to talk to some vendors too. One guy had a bunch of Strymon pedals. These babies go for $400-500 each and some people have several on their pedalboards. The guy told me that he would never have predicted the popularity of these pedals, given the cost. Yet he can't keep them in stock. Also chatted with a vintage pedal guy who had an H&K tube Rotosphere.  This box is a Leslie emulator (those huge brown boxes with rotating horns that sit behind organ players). It's almost impossible to emulate these but this pedal is The Stuff. Jeff Beck uses one, so it should probably be good enough for me. Once I buy it, I mean.

Gorgeous Gibson!

It was a really good show. I'll see you at the Fall Philly show.