This is huge, whether you believe the assertion or not. Because of the JFK Effect, I'm somewhat skeptical of the outcome, but movement is great.
Both buildings came down in what looked like controlled demolition. One of the major news network reporters stated that it looked like controlled demolition, once. And never again. Then there was the rather inconvenient fact of Building 7, barely damaged, coming down in its own footprint too.
I guess this is the necessary first step to legally drill holes in the official story of what happened on 9/11. If it was controlled demolition, there's the question of who pushed the button, then who ordered the button pushed. Regardless of the ruling, one of the people involved has a name that rhymes with Rick Haney.
I know you're losing sleep, wondering what's going on with my work phone.... two weeks after issue, the phone works, but the work configuration is still foobed. At this rate, the phone will be properly configured the week after I retire.
Speaking of Ancient Astronaut Theorists, there is proof from a semi-reliable source (NASA) that UFOs popped by to check in when our space missions were going on. Would you classify a NASA astronaut a reliable witness?
Things heard on missions:
"We have a bogey at 10 o'clock." "We still have the alien spacecraft under surveillance."
The second one was even more interesting because the feed was being monitored by ham radio enthusiasts (the frequency is known and wide open). At the end of the sentence, audio went dead, as the transmission went to the encrypted feed. As for video, there are anomalies on moon footage and all sorts of interruptions on the space shuttle feed, as Odd Stuff appeared. ymmv
A man entering Singapore was found to have a suspicious bulge in his pants, which turned out to be kittens.
Sir, your penis is moving and swatting itself.
Expect this to be on Twitter before you get home.
Christian Mare, serving a 40 year sentence for child pornography, was beaten to death in prison. He obviously slipped in the shower and hit his head repeatedly on the plumbing until he died.
Odds are your phone provider is selling your location data (at very least).
Dear lefty:
Why is there never a parking spot near my house?
Because you touch yourself.
Parents just don't understand
Some of us have had to introduce our parents to cell phones. While this is about as much fun as beating yourself to death with a spoon, someone has to do it, and you feel sorry for the poor guy at the phone store.
No, Mom, text messaging doesn't require a 'Dear Son' or a 'Love, Mom.'
Yes, hit the little phone picture to dial. Yes, you have to dial a one first, just like the phone on the wall. Yes, you can use it in the car. Yes, you can call long distance to Aunt Sadie in Florida for no extra cost. Yes. Yes. Still yes.
You can even put your doctor appointments in the calendar. Yes, there's a calendar - push the little calendar picture.
Just because you text or call does not mean I'm going to pick up the phone.
I give up... "Just hit that button and ask Siri or Cortana. No, you can't call me; I don't have a phone anymore."
The funny and evil part about this is that people having an iDevice works for me for once. "Sorry, I don't know how to do that stuff on an iDevice. Call one of your children who have one."
Maybe sic-ing them on the guy at the phone store isn't such a bad idea after all...
the Additive Suicide Principle of cell phones states that if you put one phone on top of another, the top phone will go rocketing to the floor as soon as you stop looking at them.
My personal recommendation of concerts arrived today. Keep in mind that I only attend instrumental guitar and classic rock shows...
Kiss - if I want to see too much makeup, I'll turn on the tv
Mariah Carey - speaking of Golden Globes...
Billy Joel - half of a classic rock, but yuck.
Tyler Perry's Madea - huh? Like top 10 radio, it's not music.
Bluegrass - that's close to classic rock, right?
Hootie and the Blowfish - we've all been holding our breath for a reunion
Backtreet Boys - backdoor boys? Killer guitar instrumentals
Disney Junior Dance Party - future meltdowns of America
Buckethead: be fair - it's instrumental guitar (with a KFC bucket on his head)
Piff the Magic Dragon - because they'll get sued if they use "Puff"
Other stuff I learned from watching police shows:
Without exception, no one has their license or I.D. on them.
It's ok to blame your grandmother for the joint if it's her car you're driving.
When drunk, people always admit to having 2 drinks.
You must use your turn signal for two full seconds before changing lanes. Or you'll be pulled over, and naturally, searched for drugs.
Dear lefty:
Which men's designer jeans do I wear to the feminist supporter protest?
How did you become such a snotty, virtue-signalling utter bastard?
More adware posing as games, TV, and remote control simulator apps in Google Play. Trend Micro spotted this, not Google. More Evil Villain News: Microsoft was sued in Finland and ordered to pay a Finnish man 1,100 Finnish Herring (1548 Canadian Pucks) for pushing a Win10 update, without permission, which broke his pc. There is another suit pending.
The aliens have their own Comedy Channel in the ships: our weather forecast.
The Key(board) to All Phone Grief
I tend to get aggravated when I use my phone. What pisses me off isn't necessarily what pisses you off. Stuff like bad cells, dropped calls, dropped phones, and dropping phones in the toilet are points of contention, but not mine. The single largest point of annoyance with my phone is input. The keyboard. It drives me mad. No matter how hard I try, how careful I am, how quickly or slowly I type, it never comes out right. I wind up screaming at the phone, calling it things I usually reserve for spouses and family members. After about a day of this, you don't want to see an allegedly grown man cry. It's pitiful, like my attempts at being polite in social situations.
I've tried manual typing, using one or both hands, different keyboards, changing key size, asking the dog to type, and the swipey keyboards. I get the same result regardless, just like my pitiful pleas for sex. I'll grant that my brain wiring is a touch off (no, really?), rendering me a dyslexic typist, but I can tell when I've typed something backwards (unless the A.D.D. is active, in which case I only read some of the first sent of a paragraph). The only thing I haven't tried, besides asking my wife to type for me, is voice input. I know if I tried talking to the phone (as opposed to yelling at it), I'd probably develop a case of dyslexic speech. ALthough it's almost impossible to speel words incorrectly when saying them, I'd find a way. Plus you remember my warnings about speech input - Google and the others keep every word you say, 'to improve service.'
The method that works best, best being relative, is swipey. One advantage is that they learn from you over time, making typing faster and easier. Except mine. My keyboard has some sort of learning disorder, where it allows me to make the same mistakes over and over again, like my life. There are certain words it refused to spell, mainly my saltier vocabulary. I have to type them one letter at a time, then tell the little bastard to remember the word. It's a good thing the blog software has a spell checker, or this blog would be even more horrid. If it had a grammar checker, it would have died years ago, like dehumidifiers in PA.
Overheard at the mall: "did you have your comb for the dinosaur?"
Overheard at most of the mall's cell phone stores: WOULD YOU PICK A PHONE, DAMMIT? We have to eat sometime this week.
Funny I should mention the mall and phones, because we just came back from the phone store at the mall. One of the financial Einsteins in the house realized that if we both have the same carrier, the bill would be considerably less. I had problems with her carrier, so I fled. Years later, she's joining me. Or is supposed to. Her phone developed what can only be called encephalitis.... it scrambles the contacts' name, phone number, picture, and bra size. It does this randomly, so she can never be sure who she called. While this may work for people who like to make new friends, they don't live in our house and are not welcome. I tested her phone for virii and it's clean. I looked online and talked to Phone People, none of whom had ever heard of this, so it was time for a new phone. In some sort of ironic happenstance, I sometimes come up as her gynecologist. Or at least her last name. Bless her, she somehow knows who the phone thinks the contact is.
After calling AAA and ordering one of those flatbed trucks with a winch, I got her into the car to get a new phone. She sat down on a comfy chair, as did I. We continued to sit, while I pointed out some features of the 4 non-iDevices she could buy. For a major phone carrier, there isn't what you'd call a good range of phones. You can have a flip phone, a midline phone, or a $1,000 Samsung. I should have stopped talking because she was obviously in mental contact with them, figuring out which would be best for her. By all means, don't listen to the guy who researched the hell out of the available phones before buying his. Sometimes, 30 minutes too late, I know when to shut up.
ME: What are you looking for - a large screen?
HER: that's part of it.
ME: what's the other part?
HER: ('what am I doing here?' look) I like my phone.
ME: if you like playing "Guess the Contact" each time you have to use it, I won't argue. The new ones are all faster and larger than yours.
HER: ('am I still here?' look)
Since everyone gets nailed by a salesperson the moment they walk in the door, we were left alone the whole time. We had to locate one, but two were busy with customers and the third with his Faceyspaces account. Eventually he got bored with cat pictures and offered to help us out. She couldn't transfer her number without several Super Encrypted, Triple Secret Probation numbers, known only to the phone's owner, meaning no one had ever seen them before. She called her carrier and got disconnected 4 times. It almost hurt to not say "See, this is why you need to change carriers," but I value my reproductive apparatus too much. The numbers were also in her carrier app on the phone. Only no one had ever operated the carrier app. Is it always this difficult buying a new phone? Her carrier also has a store in the mall, as required by law.
So we went up to the 40th floor of the mall and passed the carrier's store, as required by law. We were both really hungry, so against better judgment, we went to the food court. Well, we were supposed to, but everyone wanted to stop and look in each store, then each window display and didn't I see those red sneakers and we'll have to go back for those pink flamingo bedsheets and .. AREN'T WE HUNGRY ALREADY? Yeah, but did you see those red sneakers? The mall redid the food court a while ago, and they did a great job, except in filling it with stores that you'd buy food from without fear of poisoning. The only place I'd eat at was closed, this being the Lord's day. We had our choice of Nonames Pizza, Sushi Ptomaine Palace, Chinese Great Restaurant, and Cajun Chinese Great Restaurant. And naturally, Starbucks. This is the only mall in which a Wendy's closed. Of course this was the Wendy's that told me they ran out of ketchup. The next time I went, they ran out of fries...maybe closing was a gift to consumers. How does one of the largest fast food chains on the PLANET run out of fries? Did the health inspectors find roaches that the employees were smoking? Were they deemed too stupid to remain open? Since there were no ice cream stores, we gave up. In spite of me telling Faceyspaces Salesman to hold til we got the requested info, I got a new phone plan, but there's still only me on it. I got 4 gigs of data, but have yet to use 1. I have unlimited texting and talking but never text or talk. I'm the perfect cell phone customer.... so long as the phone works, I'm ok. I don't really use anything I pay for.. I wonder if there's an internet only device that doesn't make phone calls and allows 10 texts per month. Oh wait, there IS a device like that - a tablet. Fortunately I'm not fat enough to have the size pockets required for a tablet.
While I sit here sweating, with frozen feet, I start wondering why I'm sitting here sweating, with frozen feet. In bed, I need a blanket over the bottom 12" of me. Go ahead - make something of that. The other day was fun: I was freezing at warm home temps. By the end of the day, I felt fine, and it was cold in the house. Perhaps my internal thermostat is having a silent argument with the house thermostat. It certainly wouldn't be the weirdest thing happening in the house, by far, especially since the glass that took a leap off the table as my friend walked by. Or the way the house seems to move away from the street, in almost imperceptible increments.
Ebay wrote to tell me they have a lefty Ed Sheeran guitar on auction. What is an Ed Sheeran guitar? Should I be afraid?
California, the Land of Weird, never fails to astound the world. In fact, aliens from other solar systems routinely tune in California because even they can't believe what goes on there (and they travel using wormholes, which are about to be outlawed in California). Governor Jerry Brown (D - The Happy Place) signed legislation 'that fights childhood obesity by mandating that restaurants and fast food spots may no longer list sugary drinks on their kids' menus.' The only drinks they can list is(sic) water and milk.
The Californians who don't defecate in the street are very happy about this. The other 49 states just shake their heads and continue mumbling. The aliens are howling.
As for me, I'm naturally torqued off about it. It is not the job of government to look after health by mandating stuff on or off menus. They can't produce usable health insurance, outside or through the government, so I don't trust them to take on the herculean task of Menu Mandating.
The ever-helpful legislators say this is necessary to keep children healthy.
Yes, because the air quality is certainly fine. Only about 1% of them defecate on the street, and they're in northern CA. Hot dogs, burgers and deep fried salted potatoes are perfectly healthy - just not sugary drinks. Mind you, parents can still order the deadly sugary drinks for their children, but if they're listed on the kids' menu, it could cost the restaurant $500. The thinking man's solution is to stop providing kids' menus. This won't work because California legislators don't think. Because they don't think, they don't understand the repercussions.. what's going to happen when children, who are told there's no soda, see their parents drinking soda? The howling and screaming will be unearthly, which will force legislators to mandate hearing protection or sound-absorbing walls.
Even sadder with be the people holding up banks.... Give me all the money: I have a sugary drink and I'm not afraid to drink it!
A few years back, some miscreant in high office in New York made soda cups over 32oz illegal (to fight childhood obesity, even though adults buy them). Ebay opened a market specially for vintage large cups. Before that, Philadelphia mandated calorie count on all menus... if you don't know that Deep Twice Refried Battered Onion Loaf Bits are a heart attack on a plate, perhaps you should keep stuffing your face with them. It's ok - the restaurant has the mandatory defibrillator.
I don't know about you, but I'm a big boy, entitled to and capable of making my own decisions about what to shove into my amazingly huge trap. This BS legislation is silly interference in business, like forcing a bakery to bake a cake for two same-gendered goldfish occupying the same bowl. Not only is it silly - no one told the goldfish you can't eat cake in water. But seriously folks, you produced your kids (most of you anyway) and it's your job to raise them as you see fit. All the information you need is available for you to make informed decisions. This is yet another intrusion, putting the government in place of you, the parents. Meanwhile, have you seen these legislators? They need laws to protect them from Adult Obesity.
Hi, we're from the government and we're here to help you.
Iran wants the world to know it's mad, and it's doing so by burning the American flag. Whenever Iran (or Iraq) is mad, they burn the American flag. When the Lord High Kahkah is constipated, they burn the American flag. When some other country that doesn't matter invades Iran, it burns the American flag. I smell a Trump joke in the making.
Iran has a Special Peoples' Revolutionary Rabble Squad for just this purpose. 99% of the time, their streets are empty. When there's the slightest sign of unrest or the Lord High Kahkah sneezes, they call out the Squad. They show up with Iranian flags, lighter fluid, and crates of American flags (made in China). Except for Iqbal. Iqbal is a Special Iranian, and tends to show up with the wrong flag or peanut butter instead of lighter fluid. They bring him along because it makes them feel better (and the peanut butter is mighty tasty).
Speaking of Iran, I'd like to make an appeal for sanity around US politics.
_____Yes, I'm aware of what I just said.
We're of different faiths, locations, and degrees of baldness, yet we manage to get along (or quietly don't get along). The recent and current situation is downright disgusting. In case any of the troublemakers read this blog (stop laughing), I mean NO VIOLENCE. The end does not justify the means. You have no divine right to commit whatever crimes you wish. As in war, God is not really on your side.
These words do not denote any particular political affiliation, although republican and democrat spring to mind. This time it's the followers, not the politicians. A potential nominee shouldn't require Secret Service protection, nor should the children of other potential politicians. This is ugly and nasty, and we're talking American politics here.
Our system has ways built in to deal with dissent. Protest, bothering your reps, and even voting. First Amendment protections don't apply to blocking streets, buildings, or bridges. Nor rioting or burning down buildings. You have no right to make anonymous threats, in person threats, threaten family members, or organize violence. We have incredibly dirty politics and some really shameful examples of pols screwing the people, but this is beyond the pale. Let the politicians be slime: have some self-respect.
My brilliant wife observed that the violence will continue in order to get their candidate into office, so the new bitching can start, along with the efforts to get rid of THAT set. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity (attributed to Albert Einstein). So go vote for democrats, get pissed, complain, then vote for republicans. Then complain, so replace them with democrats. This has been going on as long as there was voting, yet we continue to expect a different result. Everybody wants CHANGE, yet no one will vote for it. The government continues to get bigger and bigger, spending more of your money every year. Civil rights are being eaten away. You are a subject of the government, not its boss. Your words, typing, surfing and phone calls are subject to unwarranted spying. Even when there's a warrant, it's complete BS. This is the result of voting for who we've been voting for. Does no one see this?
Hey, maybe those Libertarians deserve another look.
There are other parties too. None of them will get into office until you vote for them.
During work, I listen to music, to quiet the internal voices. You don't want them out, trust me. Observations:
A man who got his due around Woodstock but should be a household name: Leslie West (Leslie Weinstein, Mountain). He's done a lot of work, with a lot of friends, lost a leg, and plays those notes so tastefully. They sustain. The man means what he plays.
Another word for Stone Temple Pilots. The band that made all sorts of albums with Scott Weiland up front. No two songs were alike. In fact, no two songs sounded like the same band. They had a talent for impersonation too. They could do the Doors, jazz, way too screamy rock, and really beautiful melodies (that didn't make the radio). They had all sorts of odd harmonies, which Scott continued on his solo albums. It was weird in general, but pleasantly weird. Very different from STP and most other bands. The song I heard today sounded close to Bob Dylan (Robert Zimmerman) and so unfamiliar that I had to look to see who it was. There's a new lead singer, as Scott overdosed and died, but I haven't heard much of them. He could definitely sound like Scott.
We men are shallow, sometimes stupid, and very easily manipulated. Show us a pair of boobies, even promise to show us boobies, or just a pretty woman, and we'll do whatever you want.
Although I'm generally different, I'll admit to being easily manipulated.
There's a commercial that annoys most sentient beings, for something like a credit card, but I never remember the product in ads. I discovered one female in the background who knocked me out: tall, leggy, big hair, heels. Unlike the rest of men on the internet, I did not go searching to find out who she is, but rest assured others have, possibly erecting (sorry) a web page in her honor. Dammit, now I have to look. Only I don't remember the product, still. She was carrying a pizza, automatically making her more attractive. I traced this back to one of the commercial's earlier scenes, with people eating.
I don't know this woman. I will never know this woman. But I put a few ounces of actual effort into looking at her. I can't even turn my head from the tv when it's on. Yes, I'm a guy - a really sad but normal example. What kind of Stupid Stuff do you do? I know of one female reader, but she's immune to advertising too.
Pro Tip: If you happen to find yourself 60' in the air, on top of one of those high rise building size fuel refinery tanks, don't smoke. Actually, go ahead and smoke, but make sure everybody in the blast radius is evacuated first.
I have this theory that when a person hits an incredibly high degree of stupidity, they self-immolate. Either no one has hit that level yet or my theory requires more thought.
Don't forget the Philly Fall Guitar show, which isn't in Philly, and doesn't feel like fall. The date has already passed, but I wanted to remind you for next July and November. I already attended it, unless it was canceled. I cried because there were so many vintage lefty guitars I couldn't afford. Then I woke up.
The good news is that GAB, the right-leaning social network, is back up. They secured a new provider which supports free speech. Again, like them or not, we have a duty to protect free speech. Ever Vigilant.
a man coming into an Irish airport had his luggage searched and was questioned in depth about the metal thing in his bag. It was a faucet from a sink and was confiscated because it was considered a weapon. Is their water that bad? The next fellow lost his hacksaw blade. They're not well in Ireland: security OR people who carry hacksaw blades in their luggage. And they don't come with live subtitles.
Me own mudder was stopped with a tretening amount o water and some weapons grade hand moisturizer.
There's an interesting airport security job I saw on tv. Travelers are allowed to have porn on their laptops, but obviously nothing illegal (like anything involving children). The security person has to go through all the porn to make sure it's legal. I inquired about the job, but there's a backlog of 1,117 applicants and there is no salary. Plenty of benefits, though.....
Very recently, Muslims formed a human shield around synagogues, to prevent violence (Israel, I think). They raised $200k for victims. That's some good stuff. My hat is off to them. Even the Jews aren't shielding their synagogues. Quite frankly, I'm not human shielding any building, at least until I get automatic weapons.
It's black and rainy outside today. Still. There's no light coming through the windows. The neighbors asked us to close the shades because we're letting all the light out.
But I need to include something positive, lest you think I'm 100% negative: it went from 53 and raining to 63 and raining. I feel much better now.
It was much nicer on Mars.
My dear new dog turns out to be even smarter than we thought... I asked if she likes the space heater, and she turned around and looked at it. She's starting to realize that my leg, with which she wants to be more than friends, wants little to do with her, so she's taking it out on a sofa pillow. The sofa pillow I use for naps. Perhaps we should wash it or something.
This is the only dog I've seen who does not lay on the floor. It's the couch or a chair for her. It's fun to watch, until she comes in from the rain and mud.
Since she was a stray, we don't have an age, other than 3-5 years. So she winds up to be a 3-5 year old hyperactive puppy. She's into absolutely everything. At least she's an equal opportunity shredder: the other night I removed a hardback book from her shedding. So she went to the magazine behind it. When I took that, she went after the weekend circulars. She loves her new home, even when parts of it need to be removed from her mouth.
Faceyspaces is at it again, and this time it's a real winner: People You May Know. It suggests people who have been physically near you. This stuff is getting sicker by the month. Read it and weep. All sorts of new information about you will be revealed to other Facebookies (and stalkers, police, friends, enemies, ad people, information brokers, etc). The author tells of a father who went to a meeting for suicidal teens and one of the teens popped up as someone he might know. I know we don't have any Facebookers here, but tell your friends and family (that actually listen to you). Some say privacy is dead, but there are steps you can take to prevent things from getting worse. I'm not sure turning off Location will help here, as FB can (and will) get the location information from cell towers. The only sure way to prevent this is to turn the phone off [shudder]. While pondering this, read about the larger view of Faceyspaces. Which reminds me - if you use wireless, you want to turn that off on your phone the moment you leave the house. Let's say your home network is called BOB'S HOME NETWORK. When you leave the house, your phone gets to feeling abandoned and keeps asking for BOB'S HOME NETWORK. Are you BOB'S HOME NETWORK? I need to find BOB'S HOME NETWORK. Oh, BOB'S HOME NETWORK - where are you? It will keep doing this until you get back home. All wireless systems (and hackers, and listeners, etc) have access to this. Stores are now collecting this information and matching it to other information they collected, building the perfect profile of you, then selling the information for profit. You're not getting a penny, by the way.
While we're talking about information, I want you to stop before you type any information into any site on the web. Ask yourself if putting this information into the wild is safe (even if you're using https). When you have a text chat on Faceyspaces, in private, assume it will be monitored or at least looked at. If you like sexting someone directly, the service will read it. If you talk about doing something nasty, they have direct access and will read it. Never assume privacy the moment you type something. Always assume it will be read and behave accordingly.
Hey - how about a nationwide privately-ownedbiometrics system? One company has fingerprint data, the other facial recognition data. There is a reason I tell you about this stuff. The future is here and it's worse than you imagined. Worse than some novel about a dystopian future, featuring tumbleweeds, a tv that watches you, and mechanical comfort elephants that talk. I leave no one behind me when I stop being alive, but you might have children...
I have no idea why, but I've been messing with my phone for a while. Techies like to tech. I have the phone humming along, with all sorts of neato apps (except the three that die as soon as they come up). Android allows you to move some of the apps to an additional memory card to save space on the internal memory, so I moved most of my apps to my trusty SD card.
As a Certified Geek, I cannot live with three apps not working, so I set about troubleshooting. Everything I tried failed to make the apps fire up, so I did what all geeks do: look it up online, via Duckduckgo.com. Technically I had to look up how to get the back off the phone first, as I have not had it off since I put the SD card in, over three years ago.
After performing the extremely difficult removing the back procedure, I figured the actual fix would be easy.
It wasn't. [there's that foreshadowing thing again]
The first step to fixing just about anything is, in the words of the IT Crowd, "have your tried turning it off and turning it on again?" Yes, three times before I came to the web page, thank you. Then it suggested to remove the memory card and see if the apps work, proving it is the card itself. Ok, kinda silly, but I'll go with it. Even a techie occasionally lets someone else drive.
I'm not the neatest person on the planet. In fact, I'm not anywhere near the neatest person on the planet. In a recent survey, there were about three billion people on the planet. I was ranked number 2.5 billion in the Most Not Neat group. As a result, I'm meticulous when I take something apart, so I can put it back together neatly and correctly. Funny how that works... the slobs can look neat and the people who lose everything put things in only certain places, so they appear neat. The only flaw is that if you interrupt them after they take things apart, they'll never remember the project existed and when they find it, three years later, will have no idea how to reassemble it or where the parts are.
I have one pile for the back and the 14 components in the Otterbox case. These cases will protect your phone from nuclear holocaust, although it won't work quite as well after, what with every cell tower and network on the planet being melted radioactive liquid. You can play solitaire, but I'd recommend against Words with Friends.
The second 'pile' consisted of the mini micro grain of rice SD card. I thought to myself that I better put it in a safe, non-magnetic place where I can see it and it won't be disturbed.
Obviously the SD card wasn't the problem, so, having exhausted all mechanical troubleshooting, it was time to reassemble the phone. This was a breeze, right up until I couldn't find the mini micro grain of rice SD card. Very funny, I thought... I put the card in a place so safe, it was safe from me finding it.
I asked Mrs lefty for a flashlight. It was a brief ten minutes later that she returned, with a half broken light that you had to pummel to make work. This is sad, but not a surprise. She collects flashlights ('torch' in the UK). She buys one whenever she sees one, just like her pen fetish. As a result, she cannot find any flashlights. When we can find pens, they inevitably won't write. In a recent survey, she was ranked number 2.899 billion in the Most Not Organized group.
I flashlighted in a ten foot radius from where I was sitting.
Nothing.
I did find the engine from my 1974 Chevy station wagon, plus random body parts and coffee stains from the previous occupant.
Sometimes I out-brilliant myself.
I asked Mrs lefty for a fourth pair of eyes. She was absolutely relentless in pursuit of the card. She look over things and under things. She made me take my shoes off, in case it had fallen into one. I listened because if anyone had an idea, it might help. However, I failed to see the significance of taking off my pants and the thorough strip search that followed. As a good and dutiful husband, I did what was necessary (happy wife, happy life). Still no card, but she was impressed that I shaved her name into certain body hair.
Well, color (colour in the UK) me flummoxed. Then color me panicked... remember, I put all my apps partially on the card. I put the original files to the apps on the card. My music collection is there, as are my pictures; even the G-rated ones. The pit of the stomach dropping to my feet was the end result of this folly. I'm sure I have most, if not all of this backed up, but still.. hours of work. 75% of my apps on the desktops are grayed out. There is a smattering of still functioning programs, because their authors were too stupid to allow them to run on the SD card, bless them.
Suddenly I remembered.... I can text on it!
If there's a life or death crisis, I can even call someone with it. Phew. (bloody bangers and mash in the UK)
Later today, I will discover it right in front of my nose. Literally.
I will look in the mirror, purely by accident, and find it attached to my nose.
I must go now, and chastise myself for being so stupid. At least until I can find somebody else to blame.
Sometimes, they are all out to get you department:
It's my wife's communicator, Jim. In the 2000s, we call them cell phones.
Through a combination of negligence, volume, and evil, that phone is out to get me.
At first, I thought it was just her forgetfulness... she went to another part of the house and just left the phone near me. It would BEEP, whirl, and whizz at random intervals. This is annoying enough, but the RING is the worst. This phone has some amazing audio and the ringer is turned all the way up, so she can hear it if she leaves it in the next state over (or the basement, whichever is further away). Dead people rise from their eternal slumber when it rings. I can't find it, but I swear the thing has a subwoofer somewhere.
Then I thought about it for a while and wondered if, instead of forgetfulness, it might be passive-aggressive, so she leaves the phone near me because she knows that when it rings, I hit the ceiling. But she's not like that.. she'll jump right up and tell me she hates me instead of dancing around the phone.
I'm sitting there, minding my own business, making all this shit up for the blog, using my ability to type really quickly, with almost 80% inaccuracy, and then the evil thing RINGS. It wakes up the half-deaf dog and I have to pull myself down from the ceiling, or the roof at times. So I asked nicely if she could take the phone with her whenever she walks out of the room. No problem, she said. Unfortunately, she never remembers the phone when she walks out of the room or her promise to take it with her. So I remind her again, with the patience of a kindergarten teacher. She apologizes and walks out of the room without the phone. It is obvious I have lost this war.
Actually she's doing much better. The phone only terrorizes me eight hours a day. I didn't notice it as much as the ceiling, which sent me flowers and told me it missed me. So I'm sitting on the toilet, doing what men do (surfing for porn local news), when I hear RINNNNNNNNG and head up to visit my friend, the ceiling. It requested that next time, I pull my pants up before visiting.
The only possible explanation is that the phone had somehow managed to beam itself to the bathroom, where it laid in wait for me. It waited until I was in the Internet Zone and completely relaxed, before it let out another inhuman blast. I made loud, intense screaming noises, which brought its owner to the vicinity. She suggested I answer it. I suggested she perform an anatomically impossible act.
I haven't slept for four days, for fear of the evil device sneaking onto my bedside table, waiting until I drift off, then RINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG.
IMPORTANT: since Valentine's Day is coming, Dunkin Donuts is again featuring Brownie Batter donuts (for about 2 weeks). They're heart-shaped, with chocolate frosting on top, and what one could only call brownie batter inside. I don't get paid for this. In fact, I don't even get a damn free donut. But they're that good, so get one before they stop making them til next year.
Safer Internet Day is February 6. Who names this stuff? To celebrate, click on any old link, and send someone your credentials. Extra points for banking login and password.
What online sex toys can teach you about secure coding. This article features the groundbreaking Panty Buster, and is readable by most people.
What if someone on the internet could take control of your intimate toy?
On the other hand, what if someone on the internet could take control of your internet toy?
WARNING: if you're going to test the theory, I'd suggest not wearing them to work.
Nestle will stop producing "Walnut Whips" because the name encourages sexual violence to men. I had to read the article to figure out how the name encourages sexual violence to men. And who could possibly have complained.. perhaps men are taking their cues from Social Justice Warriors. In case you don't want to click on the link, it refers to the practice of a man getting his testicles hit with a riding crop. The pursuit of knowledge is a good thing, but... perhaps this is slightly preferable to getting one's testicles crushed by a high heel, but let's just leave that to the imagination (and the people who enjoy this sort of thing).
Pope Francis received a 2015 letter from a victim of abuse by a Chilean priest, detailing the abuse. Pope Francis claimed no one came forward.
It is time to shut down what could be the largest crime syndicate on the planet. From the abusive priests all the way up the line. People should practice their religion but those up top are complicit in this crime (and others).
College Strikes Again!
Once again Campus Reform went on campus, this time to John Jay college in New York City. The students heard quotes they believed were from President Trump's State of the Union address and hated them. They hated them, then they found out they were from President Obama's State of the Union address.
The next governor of Michigan could be Abdul El-Sayed, a 33-year-old doctor and son of an Egyptian immigrant. A muslim.
What could possibly go wrong?
Esmond Bradley Martin, investigator of elephant and rhino horn trades and protector, was found stabbed to death in his home in Kenya.
So sad. Someone has to speak for the animals.
What do you suppose he did to piss off the Clintons?
More powerful than a C-130, two and a half times as fast as a speeding bullet, able to kill, destroy and mutilate foreign countries. Look. Up in the sky! It's a drone. It's a Concorde! It's The Valkyrie II, which will circle the globe in 3 hours or less.
Because Boeing needs to feed their kids too. With your tax dollars.
Two for the Price of One
Bisphenol A (BPA) is found in plastic containers and water bottles. In use since the 1960s, it mimics the female hormone estrogen (oestrogen if you live in Blighty). This leaves 90% of teenagers with gender-messing chemicals in their bodies. It has been linked to type 2 diabetes and heart disease, as well as declining male fertility. Ok, we could use some declining fertility, but I'm drawing the line at diabetes.
Part 2: More teens are transgender, or identify using terms other than male or female these days. Perhaps they've all been consuming BPA. Perhaps they're full of excrement, buoyed by people in schools and colleges, who think it's ok to punch people if they don't agree with you and that free speech is only free if it agrees with you.
Don't get me wrong: people age 18 or above should be able to do anything they want with their own bodies, assuming they can afford it. But the children in the study were not 18 and some of them have already had surgical procedures. Like alcohol and driving, pick a point where they're capable of making a decision like this and stick with it.
Son: Mom, I have... something to... tell you.
Mom: Oh no. What is it, Son?
Son: Mom, I'm transgendered.
Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you were going to tell me you're gay. By the way, are you sure?
Son: Completely.
Mom: I was just wondering... you being 5 years old and all.....
Personally, I identify as a lobster. Except during lobster season, when I identify as a 1974 Pinto - the one with the exploding gas tank.
The Guardian is reporting that "every NHS (UK National Health Service) trust assessed for cyber security vulnerabilities has failed to meet the standard required."
Fortunately that would never happen in the US, especially with electronic health records.
A Department of Homeland Security employee demonstrated the agency's commitment to keeping America safe by sticking his classified what-if anthrax papers in his airplane seat and getting off the plane. The documents are supposed to be shredded, but to be fair to the scientist, it's not like he had a shredder with him.
CNN found the documents and agreed to hold the story until after the Superbowl, scrubbing classified data.
It is not true that we get what we pay for. It is true that we will continue to pay more for it.
Whether or not there is weather...
Doesn't this just seem to be our year... a false tsunami warning was sent to residents along the East Coast after a private company sent out an alert following a test by the National Weather Service. The NWS tweeted out the correction and stated that it was not sent out by them.
The tweet to South Carolina was sent by the AccuWeather app; they stated this was a test.
It either was or wasn't a test... it shouldn't be that difficult to get copies of that tweet, fellas.
There will be Finger Pointing Meetings for several weeks, until a scapegoat can be appointed, in absentia if necessary.
New York's Whacky Mayor, Bill DeBlasio, said that a false tsunami warning was better than a false nuclear warning. After leaving office, Bill will pursue his dream gig, as a shock jock.
Some will say there's no such thing as a coincidence.
You gotta admit, two in under a month is quite coincidental.
In the immortal words of rock's bard, Ozzie Osbourne, "Don't ask me - I don't know."
There is a great white shark named George stalking the Everglade waters. I need to know how they know his name is George.
Wanna see my javelin?
Last year the International Olympics Committee purchased 450,000 condoms for the Rio Olympics. In case you're wondering, the article states that this was enough for each athlete (ath-uh-leet in Philly) to have sex about 42 times. What are those folks eating and doing there? And can we get some? It's amazing they have time to compete, unless their particular games are being scored unofficially.
In 2012, at the London olympics, they went through 100,000 condoms the first week. Nah, they're obviously blowing them up and putting them on their heads. Or, as we're reading, it may be to protect themselves from the coaches.
It doesn't happen everyday but police were involved in a standoff with a tiger in Scotland. Things got tense but after 45 minutes, some brave soul determined that it was a stuffed tiger. No wonder it didn't growl or look at them or move or anything....
What are today's schoolchildren up to?
Officials in New York have postponed a Daddy-Daughter Dance because of New York City's gender neutral policy. The reason is that it excluded other genders. No word on how many genders the dance excluded. Later this year, they will drop the term 'freshman' because it connotes gender. Next year they will cease using 'senior'. There's nothing really wrong with the term - they just need something to complain about and this was convenient.
Social Justice Warriors at yet another New York high school managed to get a production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame shut down after a crackerhonky white cis male landed the lead role. An African-American male quit the project earlier when a crackerhonkybitch white cis female got the role of Esmerelda.
The agitatorsother-than-white privilege students wrote a list of demands, saying that, while the young lady cast as Esmeralda was “a stellar actor, singer, and dancer” any production would be “lucky to have,” she couldn’t be cast in this role because she is the “epitome of whiteness.” This is apparently perfectly ok, so long as no one says 'epitome of blackness.' That would be wrong.
In case you were wondering, Victor Hugo said Esmerelda was half Roma and half French. The students were in no mood to deal with this kind of logic and went further on strike.
The best quote, however, was “Stop the racist and openly stated policy of ‘color blind’ casting.."
A group of students at Kenyon College made so much noise about a play being racist that the author pulled the play. Not satisfied, the students formed a 'whiteness club', where no white students are allowed to ask minorities questions; white people must try to answer their questions for themselves. And no spreading rumors about what people say during the meetings. Mommmmm.... he's looking at me funny again... Mommmm
The unemployment rate for these kids will be through the roof. It will be a truly sad time when they realize that the air is different in Real Life<tm>. Their coworkers will not join a hastily-arranged march against the vice president of Human Resources for hiring white males. The coworkers also will not be part of the coalition issuing demands to the Payroll department because they pay whites the same as blacks, calling the practice institutionalized racism. No one else will volunteer to come in on weekends to throw black paint on the walls because they're painted white....
The Philadelphia Police just released footage of suspects looting a gas station following the Eagles' win. They threw food and soda, then created a hole in the back wall. We just don't hear enough feel-good stories about Philadelphians...
Philly's mayor, Jim "Sanctuary City" Kenney, referred to the troublemakers as "the knucklehead contingent" and told them to stay home. A spokesperson for the knucklehead contingent referred to the statement as racist and threatened to turn in all the illegal aliens living in the bunker under Kenney's house.
But don't limit this to Philly - the home of the Patriots' player called Gronk was robbed during the Superbowl. Give them credit - they knew when he wasn't going to be home.
What did I learn today? I learned that the police do not use wooden horses for people control anymore because people break them and use them to start fires. We are a wondrous, adaptive lot.
So the Australian government sells office furniture off cheap when finished with it. So this fella goes to a thrift store and purchases two file cabinets cheaply, because there are no keys. He drills them open to find two file cabinets of Top Secret Australian documents. Like any patriot, he calls the press. The paper coordinated with the government, who scrubbed serious information. Sliding right into action, the government is pushing a law making it a criminal offense for the press to publish government secrets if received through unofficial channels. Absolutely no mention of selling filing cabinets to second hand stores. Again, be thankful for the First Amendment.
Yet another unsecured Cloud instance was left unlocked, exposing the personal details of over 12,000 social media stars.
Later on, we need to have a discussion about Social Media Stars.
We are a vapid lot.
The people who put up the cloud instance need to be jettisoned. This is not a failure of The Cloud; it's a failure of humans.
Headline of the Day: Woman found holding her eyeball outside church
and I thought circumcision was bad...
Dear Britons: the first modern human in England had dark skin, blue eyes, and long black hair. He died in his early twenties. This has been determined by blue gene sequencing. He was about 5'5" tall and around 10 stone (that's 47 grams squared in American). Three schools in New York referred to the discovery as racist because it was discovered via a white, heterosexual method.
The sample of DNA used for testing came from an incredibly old skeleton, and was found in the ear canal.
The moral here is to keep your ear canals clean, if you want to keep your privacy 10,000 years in the future.
Marshall the Wonder Cocker is on way too much medicine. One of them evolved nicely to something that looks like a Rolo, which is beef-flavored so the dog will eat it. Except my dog, who won't have anything to do with it. Perhaps if it were cat food flavored. The medicine issue was quickly solved with cold cuts, specifically turkey. He ate it right up. Right up until the point when he stopped. We switched to ham, which he really loved. This worked for damn near two weeks; a record. Then he stopped liking the ham. This week it's cheese. He loves him some cheese. In fact, when he follows me into the kitchen and the refrigerator door opens, he gets all excited. He snarfed up his meds, wrapped in cheese, for damn near a week. Damn near. Evolving, his new trick is to take the cheese/pill bundle, chew to see if there's anything that doesn't belong, and spits it on the floor. If there's something he'd rather not eat, it stays on the floor, while the cheese gets consumed. To make matters more interesting, he has ear drops. He now recognizes the bottle and goes running the moment he sees it. It's a bitch when your pet is smarter than you.
UPDATE: not sure if I should feel better about this, but my very smart child is now laying outside, in the rain, on the steps, sleeping.
Encrypted messaging app WhatsApp has at least one very serious security flaw. that will let a third party listen to your FB voice messages. I mention this because I don't use it, but someone who reads this might. The flaw will allow WhatsApp, or more likely, the government, to eavesdrop on your messages. Your secure messages. Security Guru Bruce Schneier says it's not technically a flaw so much as a design decision. Regardless of which you consider this, I'd drop the app and move to Signal. And drop FB, of course.
Censorship of media, in the Old Days, came from the right, frequently the religious right. These days censorship comes from the left, frequently from the Social Justice Warriors, demanding things be thrown out because someone is or might be offended. This is unacceptable in either case. I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will fight for your right to say it. Please watch for it and keep the above words in mind. No one likes when the KKK marches but to not allow them to march is to not allow your child's sports team to march.
So hey, how about the Ukraine power grid problem? What problem? It got hacked. Then it got hacked again, both times cutting power to the area (the Pivichna substation). Officials believe the hacks were performed by the same entity. Most, if not all of us, do not live in Ukraine, but utility hacking is getting more prevalent and more successful. This is partially due to the utilities being hooked to the net in the first place. This is a no-no. It is also due to ancient technology hooking it up. There have been all sorts of hacks and alerts across the US. Recently, there were a number of tests across California. I can't tell you what's happening to combat hacking, but it had better be fast and it had better be effective. You know what will happen, though....
A US judge just ruled that because Sony 'monitors' you on the PS3, you have a reduced expectation of privacy on info stored on the PS3. Not only do some of these devices monitor you via mic and/or camera, the data they store is open to the court system (or anyone else who can get at it, of course). It's a fine time to own a gaming console (that's hooked up to your smart tv, which also watches you, then transmits the data up the line). 1984 all over again.
A United Airlines passenger has been arrested for a bomb threat. The budding Einstein tells the flight crew he found a note in the bathroom, saying not to land or the plane will blow up. When the crew asked him to write an account, they noticed that his handwriting looked awfully similar to the bomb note. The plane did land and failed to explode. The passenger will upgrade his living facilities for ten years to the federal pen and pay a fine of up to $250,000. That's some expensive practical joke there. Maybe he can send a note to the warden that the prison will explode if it doesn't let the inmates out. In his own handwriting, of course.
The NYPD has said that if Trump enacts any legislation targeting Muslims, they will ignore it. Furthermore, the NYPD has a chaplain. Read that again. Why does a police department require a chaplain? Next thing you know they'll be in DMV offices and churches.
Talentless donut-licker and BDSM sexpot who complains about being objectified, Ariana Grande, has done it again: she has proclaimed herself the hardest working 23 year old girl in the world. Factory slaves in third-world countries, working for 25 cents a day disagree, for some unknown reason. I have never been interested in Ms. Grande, but it looks like she has some real comedic potential.
Musicians with iDevices - update Garage Band. There has been an update that includes a security fix. Not that any of us here use iDevices...
I've mentioned my problem with my wife's phone before. In truth, it's my problem, as my wife has absolutely no problem with it. The phone rings at a volume roughly equivalent to a Who concert, which is the loudest concert on record; slightly above the roar of an airplane's jet engine. One of the reasons this is not my wife's problem is that the phone is always near me when it goes off, resulting in me finding myself hanging upside down from the ceiling, like a cat who just got spooked. This would be hilarious to anyone present, but my wife is never present when the phone erupts like Mt Vesuvius.
Phone Eruptions are almost as amusing when someone is sleeping and doesn't hear it because it's on a different floor. So the phone rings, I wind up on the ceiling, and Wife sleeps right through it. Because why interrupt your snoozing when you can have your phone remotely annoy (and terrify) your spouse? Much as I've complained about it, and I have complained about it much, the ringer volume and location do not change, almost as if on purpose. This may or may not have something to do with Marital Dynamics.
In a nod to compromise, she sometimes takes the phone with her but puts it in Airplane Mode, which essentially shuts the phone off. Now she won't be disturbed and I won't leave claw marks in the ceiling, as it should be. Of course this strategy fails 100% of the time when I'm out of the house and need to get in touch with her. Fortunately I barely leave the couch. Currently I'm going for my Agorophobic Certificate. So I tell Wife to just shut off the ringer and allow certain numbers through.
Because she has very little continuity, my wife puts stuff down and immediately forgets where it is. This is usually a Guy Thing, but not in this case. Putting things down invariably will involve searching for things later. Frequently it's the phone. This used to involve tearing up areas in which we think the phone may be located. Getting smart, we used the landline. It is said that house phones are only used to locate cell phones these days. It is correct.
The other day I notice that Wife has the house phone in hand, calling her cell phone to locate it. I ask where she thinks it is because we don't hear it ringing. It turns out my wife outsmarted herself by turning off the ringer so it wouldn't disturb her, just like I said. It also will not ring when she calls it with the house phone. Why? Because I said to turn the ringer off and because she didn't hear me say to allow some numbers through (like the house phone).
It's not that I don't love my small, special little family - I do. But....
Thankfully for Philadelphia and the US, the DNC has packed up and left. Now Philly can go back to its normal gridlock and infighting.
Pope Francis fell over the other day at a function and required help to get up. The staff here at ThermionicEmissions hopes he's in good health. We're also thankful that when he fell, he did not land on a little boy.
John Hinckley, the man who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan, will be released from the Happy Place<tm> to his mother's custody. It is rumored that if anyone says, "Polka Dot Dress" to him, his face goes blank and he tries to kill Donald Trump.
A new debate asks what's the right age for a child to get a smart phone. My informed answer is 53.
A 17-year-old says he is "overwhelmed" after Celine Dion shared a video of him performing one of her hits. The audience, however, stared in mute horror.
There are an awful lot of people claiming Donald Trump is a racist. Think about it for a second.. this is a guy whose primary interests are himself and his money. I don't think he has time to be racist.
Got an android phone with MS Swiftkey keyboard? There was a slight glitch the other day, where autocomplete was providing suggestions of things never typed or in different languages. Oops. There was a problem for people using The Cloud to back up their settings so they could be shared across devices. Swiftkey turned off cloud replication and email prediction. If you have an iDevice, you're only affected if you opted in to The Cloud.
1. Don't use MS anything.
2. Don't use The Cloud.
And while we're at it, if you have an iDevice and use WhatsApp, your messages are not being deleted securely. This is a problem, as 'professionals' with forensic software can read the messages. Of course, if we're using WhatsApp for secure communication, we have other problems. Copies of the database are stored on your device and.... wait for it... in The Cloud.
An Australian sex survey names 33 different genders. How many did you think there were?
This election is historic for many reasons:
1. people are PISSED, resulting in a wildly non-standard candidate with no experience, whose every utterance is fodder for amusement
2. the other major candidate is a proven liar and criminal
3. 2nd party candidates are viable for the first time
4. a newspaper published provocative pictures of a potential first lady
5. a group has emails purporting to result in removal of a major candidate
6. the husband of one candidate was impeached and will nail anything that can't run fast enough
7. the press is concentrated on Minor Bullshit, further Dividing and Conquering
No one could have predicted this. Hold on for a wild ride.
My wife's phone picked a really bad time to stop sniffing glue. By this I mean she can no longer plug the charger into the phone. HINT: do not force cords into holes. This advice is important for phones, guitars, and, of course, sex.
With 2% battery left, she picked a bad time to start thinking about backup and restoring data. Fortunately the very aware person at her phone store suggested wireless charging, which worked perfectly. There's also a program to transfer all data from one phone to another wirelessly. This works flawlessly, except at Ft Knox here, where I have the network so locked down, it requires an Act of Congress to add a phone.
The most interesting thing learned from this experience,per Mrs lefty, is the sheer bliss that comes from silence. No phone ringing, no constant BLEEPs from notices and email, no one can get in touch. This is technically known as Phone/Email Vacation and might be a consideration when you're stressed.
So it must have been boring for a while.
My mother in law went to a foot doctor for a painful toe. He gave her meds and sent her on her way. The next day she was in the hospital, septic (blood infection) and getting a toe amputated and now in Rehabilitation.
Father in law, who has been dutifully visting his wife daily, goes for a routine checkup, leading to a more specific test. He has a 'minor blockage', which, of course, means he will require a triple bypass. Now. Do not pass Go and do not collect $500 because that's probably his deductible for heart surgery.
The family is leaping into action in an admirable way.
And I'm going to spend some time here and there being a bachelor, along with my co-bachelor, Marshall. This will require cooking, shopping, and Generally Laying About (aboot for my Canadian reader). Fortunately we're both quite accomplished at Laying About.
Got any weird friends? The next time you communicate with them, via smoke signals, morse code, or even email, tell them about ThermionicEmissions. We're the blogosphere's dirty little secret. At our previous location, I made a few pennies from advertising revenue. I make nothing here but the satisfaction of (hopefully) entertaining readers. Please help me gratifiy my ego with a few more readers. Thanks!
Not enough attention is paid to 15th party candidates. Don't forget Vermin Supreme .
In Oklahoma, a hotel guest proposed a new technique in argument resolution. Angered by a dispute over the bill, he drove his pickup truck into the lobby. This would certainly make the hotel business more exciting.
A mother who gave birth to her daughter twelve weeks early in order to be treated for cancer says she "can't wait to start chemo". I know kids are a PITA but had no idea they were this bad.
Another one! Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster now able to perform marriages in New Zealand.
Government program used telepathy to contact aliens. We know for a fact that the remote viewing program existed. This is one claimed result. Believe or not.
In another large scale attack on sanity, N.W.A. is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Don't stand in front of the plane: an Air India ground staff member died after being sucked into an aircraft engine at Mumbai airport. Ouch.
The Human Rights Foundation has asked Nicki Manaj to cancel her performance in Angola because her payment would come from government corruption. The American Rights Foundation has asked Nicki Manaj to cancel all US performances on general principles.
Once again, Congress has passed a stopgap funding bill so the government can stay 'open'. Have you noticed that they consistently fail to resolve ANYTHING, instead preferring to pass stopgaps. Mind you, they're spending our money. Fiscal malfeasance: sack them all.
Of all things a country can ban, France is doing well with banning 'excessively thin' models. A doctor can decide what excessively thin is. I can decide too but they have to send them here first.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk. Woman spends some time driving on the sidewalk, injuring more than thirty, killing one. For some reason, DUI is suspected.
A Dutch traveler was found with over twelve live hummingbirds in his pants. And prostitution is legal there, isn't it?
Blacks fail the Philly police psych profiling screening more than whites. Black groups are concerned, citing discrimination. Under U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission guidelines, if an
employment screening tool results in a minority racial group being hired
at less than four-fifths the rate of the majority, the burden is on the
employer to show why that tool is a valid predictor of job success and
not discriminatory. The test is the MMPI, used by behavioral health and legal personnel all over the country.
Brunei has banned the wearing of Santa hats. Talk about a war on Christmas! This is every bit as valid as homosexuality harming heterosexuality.
That's Gotta Hurt: A Sri Lanka man was arrested near Colombo for smuggling gold bars in his rectum.
Goodbye Kitty: Hello Kitty hacked, 3.3million accounts prove that there's no end to vapid and stupid. And you thought I was going to say Kardashian, didn't you?
Woman bites off husband's ear over beer. And smashed dishes. And blood on the wall. Minnesota - not Florida!
Meanwhile in India, monkey steals bus and crashes it while driver sleeps. Monkey offered job.
A man walked off a cliff and fell 60' to his death on xmas day. Because he was distracted by his cell phone. No word on whether he managed a selfie on the way down.
Top five Christmas songs written by Jews
"White Christmas" - Written by Irving Berlin (pictured), Bing Crosby's version is the bestselling single of all time
"The Christmas song" ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire") - Written by Bob Wells and Mel Torme and recorded four times by Nat King Cole
"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" - Sammy Cahn wrote the song in 1945, during a heatwave in Los Angeles
"Santa Baby" - written by Joan Javits and made famous by Eartha Kitt
"Winter Wonderland" - written in 1934 and recorded by more than 200 singers
Hey you. YOU. You with the cell phone.
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
You probably didn't hear me over that infernal device.
I don't know if you're deaf, inconsiderate, or just stupid. Your phone makes noise. Lots of noises. And you've got it turned up so dead people in the next county can hear it.
Your phone sits there, blooping. You're either too ignorant or unimaginative so you're using the stock phone settings. One of them makes a water drop noise whenever you do something. Or whenever you don't do something. Then you walk away, leaving your phone within earshot of everyone around you. And it bleeps and bloops. And drips, like a modern version of the Chinese Water Torture.
And sometimes it rings for five minutes while you're away, aggravating all of humanity. We've discovered one sure way to stop the noise: putting your phone in the toilet. This works every time without fail. If you don't silence the small, flat, loud piece of gee-whiz technology, we will silence it for you. Then we will put you in the toilet, for good measure.
--------------
My wife has some of these lovely tendencies. Her phone is well-known for having short battery life. Of course it has short battery life, it makes a noise for each keypress. When I pointed out that removing the noise (and vibration) will lenghten the battery life, she got this look of horror on her face and continues to charge it several times each day. Meanwhile I sit there, relaxing on the couch after a hard day slaving over a hot flat-screen monitor, when the phone goes off with all the volume of five guitar amps blasting away while falling down two flights of steps. Once I get myself down from the ceiling, I scream, "TURN THAT @&#$ING THING DOWN!"
"But I need to hear it," she whines.
"There are people at the end of the next block who know whenever you get a call. Air raid sirens stop in embarrassment. Entire factories cease production. Bombing in Syria grinds to a halt," I helpfully inform her.
No reaction. Then she goes for a nap, leaving the phone on the table, near me. I wonder if this is what they mean by passive/aggressive.
++++++++++++++++++++++
In related news, we all know how I feel about Microsoft. But I will come out of the closet today and let you know that I actually use their products: the ergonomic keyboard and their stock mouse. Along with their software going to hell, the letters are coming off the keyboard shortly after I start using it. I am forced to use my wife's clear nail polish to retain what little lettering I have left. I have no As or Ls anymore, which may explain the decline in the quality of posts lately.
Everyone has had one of those days. You know, the kind of day when Murphy's Laws are the only laws that apply (and I am including gravity). When, despite your best efforts, you can do no right. When it rains and snows on your parade, causing most of the marchers to slip and fall over, with the rest of the parade tripping over the first group to go down. This domino effect causes more snow and ice, cancelling the parade and putting most of the marchers in the hospital, along with some of the spectators. At this point, insurance declares they won't cover the emergency room bill because it's an Act of God (even the people who tripped over the people who slid on the ice and fell down).
Where was I?
Oh yeah, one of Those Days.
The dog woke me up in the morning, for some attention. This is the first time he has done this. As it turned out, I had overslept and he was acting as an alarm clock. Why haven't I learned to listen to the dog yet?
Stumbling into clothes and out of the bedroom, my glasses somehow managed to fly off the table and the trash declared that it needed to be taken out. The can is specially designed so no matter what size bag you use, it gets stuck coming out, causing all sorts of grief, cursing and hurling the can about, in the vain hope that it will free the errant bag. If and when the bag is eventually freed, it has new and improved holes in it. In places where they will be of no assistance whatsoever.
It was a bad day at work, requiring eight hours on the phone with my colleague in a different state. My ears hurt. Once home, I sat contentedly with my laptop, checking email and doing Laptop Things. Only some of the keys felt weird. This was probably related to the somewhat dried sticky stuff on some of the keys. WHAT dried sticky stuff? Wifey didn't know and the pets were playing dumb (they're surprisingly good at it), regardless of the fact that the sticky stuff that stuck was not there last night.
I could feel it building.
At this point, the laptop started behaving as though it had gone psychotic, with random cursor movements and wacky program behavior. Either that or a hacker had gotten control and was randomly banging on random keys for his own amusement. He could have been watching the entire event for the sake of laughter, only I had taped up the camera because I'm Tinfoil Hat Security<tm>.
Reboot. This worked, for a grand total of three minutes, at which point the poltergiest returned, randomly typing nonsensical emails and sending them to the NSA. The joke was on me because the NSA already read all of my emails. The website I was reading jumped to strange adult sites, or at least that's what I told the FBI when they came to the door.
I got angry.
Cleverly, I decided it was the keyboard, as it was typing stuff by itself and the onscreen keyboard just sat there mocking me, as if it were nothing but an art project, like the CHANGE LIGHT buttons on traffic lights (or turn signals). Off to the private stockroom I went, to locate an external keyboard for testing purposes. It was at about this point when I couldn't find many things I needed and when I tried, stuff came out of nowhere for the express purpose of falling on my head.
So I got angry.
And started screaming, because we all know that fixing computers requires a healthy dose of expletives. The dog can sense when it's coming on, at which time he runs off to the relative safety of some place that isn't near Daddy. The cat, as you'd imagine, just sits there, not caring.
Have you ever seen someone with a huge ergonomic keyboard on their lap and a laptop on a table in front of them? Someone who just discovered that the huge ergonomic keyboard on his lap would work but he needed a mouse too.
I got angry.
This time I let loose such a barrage that my friend in two counties over could hear me.
I managed to locate a mouse without much fanfare, except for the requisite amount of things materializing just for the purpose of falling about my head and shoulders.
So naturally I yelled at the wife, because she was not as smart as the dog, who was still hiding.
One external keyboard and mouse later, I had the system up. For three minutes.
So I got angry.
The neighbors were running up and down the street, yelling "EARTHQUAKE", as I growled in my best satanic voice at the errant laptop.
I was at the most horrific point I could be: time to take apart the laptop. I have a very reasonable fear of opening laptops even though I have built my own computers since day one. Laptops have tiny little screws that hide themselves from view as soon as you try to open it up. After losing only two screws, you barely had time to notice the spring that sprung from the laptop, like Donald Trump fleeing a room full of unattractive women.
So I went to the place that has all the answers: the web. There were a whole bunch of guides to replacing keyboards and I decided the best one was the one from HP, even though they were the manufacturer of the laptop. It was pretty detailed or at least the first step was. They told me to remove the battery, which I nailed on the first try. Then they told me to remove the accessory panel. WHAT accessory panel? There was no part on the laptop with loud yellow letters that said ACCESSORY PANEL. This was because the people who write the manuals already know how to work the equipment - screw the consumers. And because I'm so attention-addled, by the time I look at the keyboard, I can't remember what the directions said.
After a surprisingly short read and only losing two screws (and something that might have been memory), I actually managed to locate the keyboard. Of course it's not that simple, nosirree. You have to remove three cables before the keyboard will come out. Have you ever SEEN keyboard cables? They're tiny little pieces of plastic with many tiny little wires on them, roughly the size of peach fuzz but harder to see. You have to pull up the restraining bar then yank (ever so gently pull) the cable out of its connector. Go ahead - find the restraining bar, I dare you. Then try putting the cable BACK in the connector. It would be easier to bring Michael Jackson back and have Sofia Vergara agree to marry him.
Finally I removed said keyboard. I felt like the Champion of the World. I could have done anything at that point. Anything except mowing the lawn, of course. Then it was time to worry that the laptop wouldn't work without its keyboard. Fortunately it worked wonderfully. And when I say wonderfully, I mean it booted halfway and put something on the screen that looked like HAHAYOU'RESCREWED.
Then I got angry.
SWAT appeared outside the house, complete with Armored Personnel Carriers and automatic weapons. I think I even saw a sniper on the Crazy Lady's roof next door. It didn't surprise me much, as there's usually someone with a gun on the Crazy Lady's roof.
One more reboot seemed to solve the problem, although I swear I could hear the laptop laughing at me way down under the memory, right before the hard drive. It was being masked by the fan.
Emboldened by my hard-earned (and very loud) success, I decided to disembowel the keyboard, in hopes of fixing it before having to order a new one. Yeah, right. There are fewer screws in a Lincoln Navigator than in a keyboard. And they're half the size of a moderate ant (moderate being not right-wing or left-wing). It took an acetylene torch to separate the halves of the keyboard, partially due to the sticky stuff. Before you get that smirk on your face, the sticky stuff was brown and probably semi-dried soda. After I got the halves separated, there was laughter. Healing laughter. Laughter from me and laughter from the keyboard. Laughter because there was simply no way I was going to be able to fix the mess. It was done. The keyboard won. I ordered another, oblivious of the fact that I needed to order a backlit keyboard. All I have to do is sit back and wait 10-15 days until Amazon ships it (from China). There should be a note on all Amazon products from overseas: WARNING: SHIPS FROM MONGOLIA - requires 30 days to arrive (stupid Mongorians).
I needed a small win. Something to save face. Something to take my mind off the soda-ruined keyboard and the random stuff attacking me. So I decided to type out this rant. On my cell phone. What I always forget is that typing on my cell phone only serves to ratchet up my anxiety and make me MAD. Every time I hit a space, it ignores me. When I turn it longways, the keys aren't even as tall as the shorter way and it produces a comma for each space I type. I'm a dyslexic typist so that doesn't help either. By the time I'm two sentences in, I'm so upset that it takes all I have not to fuse the phone into the laptop and hurl them both across the room, through the tv, through the outside wall, hitting whoever it is on the Crazy Lady's roof with the sniper rifle.
When I finally put the laptop back together with its external devices and assured myself it worked, I stopped for the night. I sat down on the couch and exhaled, at which time my wife's laptop groaned and plummeted to the floor.
