Coke and M&Ms - a Manly Breakfast

Overheard at the mall: "did you have your comb for the dinosaur?"

Overheard at most of the mall's cell phone stores: WOULD YOU PICK A PHONE, DAMMIT? We have to eat sometime this week.

Funny I should mention the mall and phones, because we just came back from the phone store at the mall. One of the financial Einsteins in the house realized that if we both have the same carrier, the bill would be considerably less. I had problems with her carrier, so I fled. Years later, she's joining me. Or is supposed to. Her phone developed what can only be called encephalitis.... it scrambles the contacts' name, phone number, picture, and bra size. It does this randomly, so she can never be sure who she called. While this may work for people who like to make new friends, they don't live in our house and are not welcome. I tested her phone for virii and it's clean. I looked online and talked to Phone People, none of whom had ever heard of this, so it was time for a new phone. In some sort of ironic happenstance, I sometimes come up as her gynecologist. Or at least her last name. Bless her, she somehow knows who the phone thinks the contact is.

After calling AAA and ordering one of those flatbed trucks with a winch, I got her into the car to get a new phone. She sat down on a comfy chair, as did I. We continued to sit, while I pointed out some features of the 4 non-iDevices she could buy. For a major phone carrier, there isn't what you'd call a good range of phones. You can have a flip phone, a midline phone, or a $1,000 Samsung. I should have stopped talking because she was obviously in mental contact with them, figuring out which would be best for her. By all means, don't listen to the guy who researched the hell out of the available phones before buying his. Sometimes, 30 minutes too late, I know when to shut up.

ME: What are you looking for - a large screen?
HER: that's part of it.
ME: what's the other part?
HER: ('what am I doing here?' look) I like my phone.
ME: if you like playing "Guess the Contact" each time you have to use it, I won't argue. The new ones are all faster and larger than yours.
HER: ('am I still here?' look)

Since everyone gets nailed by a salesperson the moment they walk in the door, we were left alone the whole time. We had to locate one, but two were busy with customers and the third with his Faceyspaces account. Eventually he got bored with cat pictures and offered to help us out. She couldn't transfer her number without several Super Encrypted, Triple Secret Probation numbers, known only to the phone's owner, meaning no one had ever seen them before. She called her carrier and got disconnected 4 times. It almost hurt to not say "See, this is why you need to change carriers," but I value my reproductive apparatus too much. The numbers were also in her carrier app on the phone. Only no one had ever operated the carrier app. Is it always this difficult buying a new phone? Her carrier also has a store in the mall, as required by law.

So we went up to the 40th floor of the mall and passed the carrier's store, as required by law.  We were both really hungry, so against better judgment, we went to the food court. Well, we were supposed to, but everyone wanted to stop and look in each store, then each window display and didn't I see those red sneakers and we'll have to go back for those pink flamingo bedsheets and .. AREN'T WE HUNGRY ALREADY? Yeah, but did you see those red sneakers? The mall redid the food court a while ago, and they did a great job, except in filling it with stores that you'd buy food from without fear of poisoning. The only place I'd eat at was closed, this being the Lord's day. We had our choice of Nonames Pizza, Sushi Ptomaine Palace, Chinese Great Restaurant, and Cajun Chinese Great Restaurant. And naturally, Starbucks. This is the only mall in which a Wendy's closed. Of course this was the Wendy's that told me they ran out of ketchup. The next time I went, they ran out of fries...maybe closing was a gift to consumers. How does one of the largest fast food chains on the PLANET run out of fries? Did the health inspectors find roaches that the employees were smoking? Were they deemed too stupid to remain open? Since there were no ice cream stores, we gave up. In spite of me telling Faceyspaces Salesman to hold til we got the requested info, I got a new phone plan, but there's still only me on it. I got 4 gigs of data, but have yet to use 1. I have unlimited texting and talking but never text or talk. I'm the perfect cell phone customer.... so long as the phone works, I'm ok. I don't really use anything I pay for.. I wonder if there's an internet only device that doesn't make phone calls and allows 10 texts per month. Oh wait, there IS a device like that - a tablet. Fortunately I'm not fat enough to have the size pockets required for a tablet.

While I sit here sweating, with frozen feet, I start wondering why I'm sitting here sweating, with frozen feet. In bed, I need a blanket over the bottom 12" of me. Go ahead - make something of that. The other day was fun: I was freezing at warm home temps. By the end of the day, I felt fine, and it was cold in the house. Perhaps my internal thermostat is having a silent argument with the house thermostat. It certainly wouldn't be the weirdest thing happening in the house, by far, especially since the glass that took a leap off the table as my friend walked by. Or the way the house seems to move away from the street, in almost imperceptible increments.

• Ebay wrote to tell me they have a lefty Ed Sheeran guitar on auction. What is an Ed Sheeran guitar? Should I be afraid? 

California, the Land of Weird, never fails to astound the world. In fact, aliens from other solar systems routinely tune in California because even they can't believe what goes on there (and they travel using wormholes, which are about to be outlawed in California). Governor Jerry Brown (D - The Happy Place) signed legislation 'that fights childhood obesity by mandating that restaurants and fast food spots may no longer list sugary drinks on their kids' menus.' The only drinks they can list is(sic) water and milk.

The Californians who don't defecate in the street are very happy about this. The other 49 states just shake their heads and continue mumbling. The aliens are howling. 

As for me, I'm naturally torqued off about it. It is not the job of government to look after health by mandating stuff on or off menus. They can't produce usable health insurance, outside or through the government, so I don't trust them to take on the herculean task of Menu Mandating.

The ever-helpful legislators say this is necessary to keep children healthy.

Yes, because the air quality is certainly fine. Only about 1% of them defecate on the street, and they're in northern CA. Hot dogs, burgers and deep fried salted potatoes are perfectly healthy - just not sugary drinks.  Mind you, parents can still order the deadly sugary drinks for their children, but if they're listed on the kids' menu, it could cost the restaurant $500. The thinking man's solution is to stop providing kids' menus. This won't work because California legislators don't think. Because they don't think, they don't understand the repercussions.. what's going to happen when children, who are told there's no soda, see their parents drinking soda? The howling and screaming will be unearthly, which will force legislators to mandate hearing protection or sound-absorbing walls.

Even sadder with be the people holding up banks.... Give me all the money: I have a sugary drink and I'm not afraid to drink it!

A few years back, some miscreant in high office in New York made soda cups over 32oz illegal (to fight childhood obesity, even though adults buy them).  Ebay opened a market specially for vintage large cups. Before that, Philadelphia mandated calorie count on all menus... if you don't know that Deep Twice Refried Battered Onion Loaf Bits are a heart attack on a plate, perhaps you should keep stuffing your face with them. It's ok - the restaurant has the mandatory defibrillator.

I don't know about you, but I'm a big boy, entitled to and capable of making my own decisions about what to shove into my amazingly huge trap. This BS legislation is silly interference in business, like forcing a bakery to bake a cake for two same-gendered goldfish occupying the same bowl. Not only is it silly - no one told the goldfish you can't eat cake in water. But seriously folks, you produced your kids (most of you anyway) and it's your job to raise them as you see fit. All the information you need is available for you to make informed decisions. This is yet another intrusion, putting the government in place of you, the parents.  Meanwhile, have you seen these legislators? They need laws to protect them from Adult Obesity.

Hi, we're from the government and we're here to help you.

• Iran wants the world to know it's mad, and it's doing so by burning the American flag. Whenever Iran (or Iraq) is mad, they burn the American flag. When the Lord High Kahkah is constipated, they burn the American flag. When some other country that doesn't matter invades Iran, it burns the American flag. I smell a Trump joke in the making.
• Iran has a Special Peoples' Revolutionary Rabble Squad for just this purpose. 99% of the time, their streets are empty. When there's the slightest sign of unrest or the Lord High Kahkah sneezes, they call out the Squad. They show up with Iranian flags, lighter fluid, and crates of American flags (made in China).  Except for Iqbal. Iqbal is a Special Iranian, and tends to show up with the wrong flag or peanut butter instead of lighter fluid. They bring him along because it makes them feel better (and the peanut butter is mighty tasty).

Speaking of Iran, I'd like to make an appeal for sanity around US politics.

            _____Yes, I'm aware of what I just said.

We're of different faiths, locations, and degrees of baldness, yet we manage to get along (or quietly don't get along). The recent and current situation is downright disgusting.  In case any of the troublemakers read this blog (stop laughing), I mean NO VIOLENCE. The end does not justify the means. You have no divine right to commit whatever crimes you wish. As in war, God is not really on your side.

These words do not denote any particular political affiliation, although republican and democrat spring to mind. This time it's the followers, not the politicians. A potential nominee shouldn't require Secret Service protection, nor should the children of other potential politicians. This is ugly and nasty, and we're talking American politics here. 

Our system has ways built in to deal with dissent. Protest, bothering your reps, and even voting. First Amendment protections don't apply to blocking streets, buildings, or bridges. Nor rioting or burning down buildings. You have no right to make anonymous threats, in person threats, threaten family members, or organize violence. We have incredibly dirty politics and some really shameful examples of pols screwing the people, but this is beyond the pale. Let the politicians be slime: have some self-respect.

My brilliant wife observed that the violence will continue in order to get their candidate into office, so the new bitching can start, along with the efforts to get rid of THAT set. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity (attributed to Albert Einstein). So go vote for democrats, get pissed, complain, then vote for republicans. Then complain, so replace them with democrats.  This has been going on as long as there was voting, yet we continue to expect a different result. Everybody wants CHANGE, yet no one will vote for it. The government continues to get bigger and bigger, spending more of your money every year. Civil rights are being eaten away. You are a subject of the government, not its boss. Your words, typing, surfing and phone calls are subject to unwarranted spying. Even when there's a warrant, it's complete BS. This is the result of voting for who we've been voting for. Does no one see this?

Hey, maybe those Libertarians deserve another look.
There are other parties too. None of them will get into office until you vote for them.

• During work, I listen to music, to quiet the internal voices. You don't want them out, trust me. Observations:
• A man who got his due around Woodstock but should be a household name: Leslie West (Leslie Weinstein, Mountain). He's done a lot of work, with a lot of friends, lost a leg, and plays those notes so tastefully. They sustain. The man means what he plays.
• Another word for Stone Temple Pilots. The band that made all sorts of albums with Scott Weiland up front. No two songs were alike. In fact, no two songs sounded like the same band. They had a talent for impersonation too. They could do the Doors, jazz, way too screamy rock, and really beautiful melodies (that didn't make the radio). They had all sorts of odd harmonies, which Scott continued on his solo albums. It was weird in general, but pleasantly weird. Very different from STP and most other bands. The song I heard today sounded close to Bob Dylan (Robert Zimmerman) and so unfamiliar that I had to look to see who it was. There's a new lead singer, as Scott overdosed and died, but I haven't heard much of them. He could definitely sound like Scott.

We men are shallow, sometimes stupid, and very easily manipulated. Show us a pair of boobies, even promise to show us boobies, or just a pretty woman, and we'll do whatever you want.

Although I'm generally different, I'll admit to being easily manipulated.

There's a commercial that annoys most sentient beings, for something like a credit card, but I never remember the product in ads. I discovered one female in the background who knocked me out: tall, leggy, big hair, heels. Unlike the rest of men on the internet, I did not go searching to find out who she is, but rest assured others have, possibly erecting (sorry) a web page in her honor. Dammit, now I have to look. Only I don't remember the product, still. She was carrying a pizza, automatically making her more attractive. I traced this back to one of the commercial's earlier scenes, with people eating. 

I don't know this woman. I will never know this woman. But I put a few ounces of actual effort into looking at her. I can't even turn my head from the tv when it's on. Yes, I'm a guy - a really sad but normal example.  What kind of Stupid Stuff do you do? I know of one female reader, but she's immune to advertising too.

• Pro Tip: If you happen to find yourself 60' in the air, on top of one of those high rise building size fuel refinery tanks, don't smoke. Actually, go ahead and smoke, but make sure everybody in the blast radius is evacuated first.

I have this theory that when a person hits an incredibly high degree of stupidity, they self-immolate. Either no one has hit that level yet or my theory requires more thought.

• Don't forget the Philly Fall Guitar show, which isn't in Philly, and doesn't feel like fall. The date has already passed, but I wanted to remind you for next July and November. I already attended it, unless it was canceled. I cried because there were so many vintage lefty guitars I couldn't afford. Then I woke up.

The good news is that GAB, the right-leaning social network, is back up. They secured a new provider which supports free speech. Again, like them or not, we have a duty to protect free speech. Ever Vigilant.

• a man coming into an Irish airport had his luggage searched and was questioned in depth about the metal thing in his bag. It was a faucet from a sink and was confiscated because it was considered a weapon. Is their water that bad?  The next fellow lost his hacksaw blade. They're not well in Ireland: security OR people who carry hacksaw blades in their luggage. And they don't come with live subtitles.
• Me own mudder was stopped with a tretening amount o water and some weapons grade hand moisturizer.
• There's an interesting airport security job I saw on tv. Travelers are allowed to have porn on their laptops, but obviously nothing illegal (like anything involving children). The security person has to go through all the porn to make sure it's legal. I inquired about the job, but there's a backlog of 1,117 applicants and there is no salary. Plenty of benefits, though.....

Very recently, Muslims formed a human shield around synagogues, to prevent violence (Israel, I think). They raised $200k for victims. That's some good stuff. My hat is off to them. Even the Jews aren't shielding their synagogues. Quite frankly, I'm not human shielding any building, at least until I get automatic weapons.

• It's black and rainy outside today. Still. There's no light coming through the windows. The neighbors asked us to close the shades because we're letting all the light out.
• But I need to include something positive, lest you think I'm 100% negative: it went from 53 and raining to 63 and raining. I feel much better now.
• It was much nicer on Mars.

My dear new dog turns out to be even smarter than we thought... I asked if she likes the space heater, and she turned around and looked at it. She's starting to realize that my leg, with which she wants to be more than friends, wants little to do with her, so she's taking it out on a sofa pillow. The sofa pillow I use for naps. Perhaps we should wash it or something.

This is the only dog I've seen who does not lay on the floor. It's the couch or a chair for her. It's fun to watch, until she comes in from the rain and mud.

Since she was a stray, we don't have an age, other than 3-5 years. So she winds up to be a 3-5 year old hyperactive puppy. She's into absolutely everything. At least she's an equal opportunity shredder: the other night I removed a hardback book from her shedding. So she went to the magazine behind it. When I took that, she went after the weekend circulars. She loves her new home, even when parts of it need to be removed from her mouth.



Faceyspaces is at it again, and this time it's a real winner:  People You May Know. It suggests people who have been physically near you. This stuff is getting sicker by the month. Read it and weep. All sorts of new information about you will be revealed to other Facebookies (and stalkers, police, friends, enemies, ad people, information brokers, etc). The author tells of a father who went to a meeting for suicidal teens and one of the teens popped up as someone he might know. I know we don't have any Facebookers here, but tell your friends and family (that actually listen to you). Some say privacy is dead, but there are steps you can take to prevent things from getting worse. I'm not sure turning off Location will help here, as FB can (and will) get the location information from cell towers. The only sure way to prevent this is to turn the phone off [shudder]. While pondering this, read about the larger view of Faceyspaces.

Which reminds me - if you use wireless, you want to turn that off on your phone the moment you leave the house. Let's say your home network is called BOB'S HOME NETWORK. When you leave the house, your phone gets to feeling abandoned and keeps asking for BOB'S HOME NETWORK.  Are you BOB'S HOME NETWORK? I need to find BOB'S HOME NETWORK. Oh, BOB'S HOME NETWORK - where are you?  It will keep doing this until you get back home. All wireless systems (and hackers, and listeners, etc) have access to this. Stores are now collecting this information and matching it to other information they collected, building the perfect profile of you, then selling the information for profit. You're not getting a penny, by the way.

• While we're talking about information, I want you to stop before you type any information into any site on the web. Ask yourself if putting this information into the wild is safe (even if you're using https). When you have a text chat on Faceyspaces, in private, assume it will be monitored or at least looked at. If you like sexting someone directly, the service will read it. If you talk about doing something nasty, they have direct access and will read it. Never assume privacy the moment you type something. Always assume it will be read and behave accordingly.

Hey - how about a nationwide privately-owned biometrics system? One company has fingerprint data, the other facial recognition data. There is a reason I tell you about this stuff. The future is here and it's worse than you imagined. Worse than some novel about a dystopian future, featuring tumbleweeds, a tv that watches you, and mechanical comfort elephants that talk. I leave no one behind me when I stop being alive, but you might have children...