Playing the Piano with an Anvil

 Your love is like   full body poison ivy

• Things a little boring around the house? Switch the KY with the Vapo Rub

Faceyspaces is talking about changing its name.

Because all of its evils will then be cured.

Don't sit there on your overbloated bum - make some suggestions. Help Lord Zuck!

1. Snotbook
2. AllYourInfo Book
3. Anthrax Book
4. You'llDoWhatYou'reTold Book
5. IWipeWith$1,000Bills Book
6. Zuckerburg's Famous Pig
7. Your Life, Backed Up
8. Covidbook
9. Your Mother's Book
10. Phlegm Book

Today I identify as   your left nipple

Mrs. lefty fell over laughing at this page on revenge....

In 2012, Billy Gibbons was named the official guitarist of Texas.  Shortly after, Texas Governor Ann Richards named a ZZ Top day. My state could never be that cool..

Flying AIDS news

Because too many voted for Biden, I have to get a Flying AIDS shot.

Because I have to get a Flying AIDS shot, I know it's going to be an adventure.

Because I called a huge chain that rhymes with Bosco, I called and they can't schedule me - I have to walk-in or go to bosco.com to schedule. 

Because I went to bosco.com, there is not a place to schedule. I can get stuff for my dog, though, and check on food court hours. If I type in 'shot', I get a page full of 5 Hour Energy shots. If I type in 'covid shot,' it tells me they are not able to find a match. If I look in Home Health Care, I can get home Flying AIDS tests. For $118.99. I can become a member, become an employee, and apparently become out of my tiny little mind.

Because Bosco can't do what they said they can, I have to take my chances and walk into a store, hoping to get a one-year-old vaccine that hasn't had time to prove itself. If I die, I'm coming back to sue Biden.

Because there's yet another fsckup, the doctors told me to find something positive: I now have the number of the local Bosco saved as a contact in my phone.

I told you this was going to be an adventure.

Here’s what we know about booster shots for Moderna’s and J&J’s COVID-19 vaccines

WHO warns pandemic will drag on deep into 2022

Congressional staffers exempt from vaccine mandates

The Flying AIDS puts us in an historic time. Put aside your beliefs and take a look at what's happening. The moment the virus hit the fan, I started hearing there was something wrong, not from the usual suspects, but from friends and family who were normally good sheep. People who didn't think outside the box.  People who never had anything bad to say about anybody, smelled something off kilter. This alone was amazing.

Now that the major vaccine mandates have hit the fan, people are leaving their jobs and being fired, some losing pensions. People feel very strongly, and this is the first time in memory they are making their feelings known. The public is losing police, airline employees, school system employees, health system employees, and other important jobs, in addition to jobs you never see. When was the last time you saw this kind of thinking and action?

• The ACLU says mandates promote freedom
• as do jails

According to a British cop tv show, which is somewhat older, their auto license plate readers can give a summary of where a car has been for two years. Combine that with their ubiquitous spy cameras and Big Brother is bloody Huge Brother. This is why we have to keep both out. And keep on the correct side of the road.

The further adventures of teeth

There are no further adventures of teeth this week.

Can't you just LEAVE ME ALONE?

Right after I typed that, the temps fell out. It was my fault: never even look at a bagel with a temp. If you're bored, try eating a bagel with your side teeth. If you're still bored, try lifting your car with a baked bean.

The Adventures of TV

Kodi is possibly the future of tv. Install and use the net for all your tv.  It comes with a few channels installed, all perfectly legal. You can watch YouTube and pay services. You can also locate other channels, if you're even mildly clever. Everything installs as an add-on. It can run in its own set top box or on your computer/laptop/phone. Its free.

I get a kick out of British police shows. I cannot explain it.

Kodi runs on Win, linux, and android, among others.

While we're at it, there's VaughnLive. Also free. Works in a browser. Click the link and browse the MISC section. You'll be knocked out at the selection.

There's also Stirr. Legal and free. And commercials out the wazoo.

And Pluto. Legal and free. Also full of commercials.

So there are some legal alternatives to cable. Not to mention a small antenna and local tv.

Our good friends at Apple are currently backed up on their new $19 cleaning cloth.

Marketing Consultant: What's that?

Apple: It's a cleaning cloth.

Marketing Consultant: That's nice. You can probably get a few bucks for it.

Apple: $19

Marketing Consultant: I'm going to say what most of humanity will say:"$19 for a cleaning cloth?" People can buy microfiber cloth for pennies.

Apple: You forget, it has the Apple logo on it.

Marketing Consultant: I repeat: "$19 for a cleaning cloth?"

Apple: People will want an official Apple cleaning cloth. There's no telling what will happen if they use an off-brand cloth.

Marketing Consultant: But...but... $19

Apple: You forgot the Smug Factor<tm>. Having the most expensive phone adds to your smug. Why do you think Hollywood is so obsessed with it? Of course Apple customers will want an official Apple cleaning cloth. Any other cleaning cloth just isn't an Apple. Sure, you can buy a $1 cleaning cloth, but there's no Smug there. Apple owners are smug enough to leave all the decisions to us: we know better. They know better than to question us.

Marketing Consultant: I see.

• Colombia Is Finally Sterilizing Pablo Escobar’s Hippos
• wouldn't it be much easier to give them condoms?

Mrs. lefty's phone is unique, in that it conspires to piss me off and confuse the hell out of her.

It is always successful. 

It aggravates me by being near me when it rings, bings, bongs, or BOOMS, because of those stupid tones she has on it. This frequently occurs when I'm napping. As a result, it frequently becomes airborne.

It aggravates her by not being there. Regardless of where, it isn't there.

Then when it isn't there, it aggravates me....

Her: Can you call my phone?

Me: again? This is the 2nd time today.

Her: I can't find it.

Me: Has it disappeared?

Her: I can't remember where I put it.

Her: I'm going shopping, see you later.

Her: [returns 5 minutes later] I forgot my phone.

Her: [returns from shopping] Have you seen my phone?

Me: No. Didn't you take it for a shopping trip?

Her: Yes, but I can't find it.

Me: I brought in the groceries. Your phone is in the car. I heard it make noise for a bit. Maybe it hid itself in the car.

Her: I have to call Uncle Bob. Where is my phone?

Me: I don't have care and custody of it. Have you considered stapling it to your forehead? Or, maybe... a belt clip.

Her: I don't wear a belt.

Me: You can clip it to your pocket - that's what I do.

Her: I don't have pockets.

Me: Didn't we agree you'd keep it with you, in case you fall?

Her: Yeah, but I can't find it. Could you call it for me?

Me: When you put it on the table, it always transports itself to the office. Yeah, go with the forehead.

Speaking of phones, we're all having fun with ours. I can call Mrs. lefty but can't text her. My friend can text me but it doesn't show up for hours. Neither of these things happen with anybody else. This does not surprise me. Did you ever think you'd see the day when it's faster to email than text? 

Doctors Blame TikTok For Surge In Teen Girls Experiencing Tics

• watching TikTok videos on Tourette's Syndrome can cause tics
• watching YouTube videos makes you stare straight ahead, because they erase your brain
• watching social influencers makes you a mindless sheep, but you already knew this, didn't you?
• watching cat videos makes you a pussy

Alec Baldwin film tragedy: What are the rules for guns on movie sets?

Don't shoot your coworkers.

• Multiple flights affected after Charlotte Airport ran out of water
• Charlotte's mayor, Evangeline Scum, said it was a good thing they didn't run out of air

• my carbon footprint is size 11

You'd think I lived in a little community. Everywhere we go, someone knows the dog. The convenience store, the police, and people in traffic wave at her. I have to make sure she doesn't commit any crimes, cuz they'll know exactly where she lives.

• The Queen canceled her Northern Ireland visit, on medical advice
• doctors say she's dead

I haven't been following the Gabby Petito case too closely, other than the main points.

Today I read they were documenting their trip on social media.

Faceyspaces:

February 12: froze our asses off in southern Seattle

March 4: found a McDonald's in the forest. Ate well.

March 25: killed Gabby

March 26: went home to see parents. It's been a while.

• Note to women taking pictures: I don't know a lot bout photography, but here's an observation - the closer your ass is to the camera, the bigger it looks.

It's National Disability Employment Awareness month.

That's a lot more words than most months.

My coworkers should be aware of me, because... well... I'm me.

• Polk County, Fla. Sheriff Grady Judd on surge in violent crime: “Just chill out, drink a 7-Up, eat a MoonPie, quit murdering people.”
• wisdom for the ages - that's why he gets the Big Bucks...

Hertz is going to purchase 100,000 Teslas for its rental fleet.

They should probably hang on a bit... the latest software has the cars slamming into reverse.

On the other hand, they could have a tiered rental schedule: $39 for the Tesla that can burst into flames. $49 for the Tesla that may or may not auto-reverse. $109 for the Tesla that has any auto-driving software turned off.

• The medical show has a scene where the nurse tells the doctor that the patient tripped over his dog. Once in the patient's room, they said he tripped over his cocker spaniel.
• hmmm... I wonder if this is in the breed standard. Mine spends a lot of time trying to trip us.....

ACLU: 10-year-old girl was arrested at school for drawing a picture that upset a parent

The LGBTQ protesters against Dave Chappelle's show say 'we're concerned that the jokes are taking lives.'

Dave Chappelle: might meet with accusers

Netflix's all-black western: The Harder They Fall

If You've Got a Virus Up There, I'm Not Scanning for It

Let's start with some good old "hey, that's cool!"
Arcimoto is testing its electric rapid responder with a fire department
It's a 3 wheel electric vehicle. The fire company is having fun with it.  I always wanted to be a fireman, but I discovered there aren't a lot of positions for firemen who can't stand heights or when it gets too hot. Other than that, I'd be #1 on the squad.

• Huawei expects a 20% drop in phone sales, thanks to lack of Google apps
• Hell - if the hardware didn't come from China, the lack of Google apps would be a plus for everyone!

Dear Russia:
We have read many stories of alleged interference with our elections.
We have noticed a serious uptick in the number of Russian readers, for which we are thankful. IF any of you have come here to affect the next election, whoever you're getting your intel from is smoking crack again. This blog couldn't influence anyone's choice for lunch, no less an election.

I'm kidding.
Thanks for coming by.





Because of MASS PANIC over CORONAVIRUS, ridiculous steps are being taken, such as working from home. We did some research on occupations not yet endorsing work-from-home....

• pilot
• sanitation engineer
• breast lump checker
• dog
• bra fitter
• Well Heeled Oral Retention Expert.
• bus driver
• mob enforcer

• There's a reason Morning and Monday start with the same letter....

Jesse Jackson now endorses Bernie. This should cause your decision to be made, for or against.  Bernie said he'd endorse Biden, should Biden win. Reached for comment, Biden said, "The percolater's on the roof and the cardboard needs refreshing." At his last appearance, it took just over 20 seconds to start an argument about guns.

Biden extends lead over Sanders

---> in a tiny nod toward sanity, old white socialist losing ground.
---> in a nod toward Politics as Usual, old white, somewhat forgetful former VP whose former boss won't even endorse him, gains lead.


Let's step back for a moment and look at what we have here:

• on the rep side we have a president who was voted in as a protest and is the literal example of divide and conquer, even before he took office
• on the dem side, the primary field was shockingly... weird, led by a socialist.  At this point it's coming down to the socialist and the former VP, a cranky old guy who is prone to misstatements, forgetting things, and has the people skills of Kim Jong be Illin, without all that nasty self-confidence
• I weep for my country
• meanwhile, the best man for the job wears a boot on his head (and won the MA libertarian primary)

DHS claims 2020 will be the 'most secure' election in US history
Where were you when the first piece of software was a total failure?
These people couldn't secure their pocket change.

Exclusive: Critical U.S. Election Systems Have Been Left Exposed Online Despite Official Denials

“If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.”

~ General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett.

BULLETIN: Menstrual cup misuse can cause pelvic organ prolapse

I have questions....
WHAT is a menstrual cup?
Can you drink coffee from it?
Do you wear it on your head?
Why does it look like the front half of a condom?
How do you know if you're misusing it?

WARNING: we hope the veracity of this article is not tainted by a country that sends people to the gynaecologist.

• 10 actors you forgot guest-starred on Deadwood
• hint: Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons

Today I identify as   a menstrual cup

• There are many kinds of fish, but 2% are mouthbreeders: they keep their fertilized eggs in their mouth
• ThermionicEmissions would never stoop to under-water blowjob jokes 

Each generation has its own cross to bear. The current one is "Life and struggle after YouTube fame".  As you giggle, remember this is called schadenfraude (joy in the misery of others).




CONTINUED CORONAVIRUS PANIC

People who can't spell their middle name have suddenly memorized COVID-19.

More BBC news: Health Minister Nadine Dorries tests positive for coronavirus.
Also: Iran's health minister tests positive for coronavirus
You can't make this stuff up....

US health insurers will cover costs of COVID-19 testing and treatment.

Coronavirus grows up: officially a pandemic!
PPPAAANNNNNIICCCC!

• One of the things my father will be remembered for was his love of Coast to Coast radio, with George Noory.  He called him Nardi. No one knows why.

Some people make the same mistakes over and over again, without noticing.
Some notice. Some insist on replicating the mistakes over and over again. As far as going to IHOP, I'm in the latter category. My mom likes it there and they're very consistent from restaurant to restaurant. Well, the food is rather consistent - the noise isn't.

Last time I asked for the No Screaming Children section and they sat me 3 feet away from a real screamer. This time there were about 4 tables full and an empty restaurant. We were roundly ignored til the cook took pity on us and found us a table.

Within minutes the table next to us broke out into bawling children.
Minutes later, the table on the other side went NUCLEAR, with the little gentleman screaming his fool head off at the top of his precious little lungs. His mother was practicing a new style of parenting... she simply ignored the Duke of Decibels and continued to give her order as if he weren't there screaming so loudly that the IHOP in the next town asked him to turn it down.

This gorgeous little man (I think - I can't tell by screams alone) continued to try outdoing the volume and ferocity of his previous outburst. Mom was quite consistent in her parenting: she consistently did not shut the child down. That took effort. And balls.

My mother, half deaf, kept jumping in her seat, as Bob Marley's Wailer exploded in shriekdom. At one point he was doing a story he wrote, with Spiderman and Batgirl in it, playing both parts simultaneously.

Four hours later, we noticed the side order of pancakes never appeared, so they brought it by, because they're nice that way.

As we can no longer stand the children and didn't bring hearing protection, we got ready to leave. At this point, the prime instigator kept leaping up, looking at my mother, then hiding. Much to our surprise, his mother's training program fell apart and she scolded him for jumping up. She did not say a word while Young Pavoratti serenaded several restaurants and blew out untold numbers of eardrums, but he could not be allowed to jump up in his seat.

My mother was aghast as we left. Her kids put her through hell, but only when they were teens. I hear stories that we were perfectly behaved when we went out. As you can tell, we got worse as we grew up. It's at times like these that I'm thankful for dogs. And maybe impotence.




Heroes of the Stupid

Florida seventh grader sends 41 to hospital when he mistakes pepper spray for body spray.

Lemon Curry?

Japan releases dog poo app.  I just like saying dog poo app.

• The decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to US President Barack Obama in 2009 failed to live up to expectations, the committee's ex-secretary has said. Their awards to Iran and Mussolini also failed somewhat.

The internet is positively abuzz with news of a Faceyspaces Dislike button. Hit it! We dislike Faceyspaces!

• We all know how I feel about the president. However, he pulled one on the pope that has me howling: he invited a transvestite, a pro-abortion nun and a pair of gay bishops to the White House when the pope visits. This was described as a stunning show of political indecorum. More indecorum in the White House, I say!

Have humans made dogs stupid? I had no idea it was catching. Are they watching reality tv now?

• Snake with no mate gives birth for second time. Uh-oh... a second virgin birth, the pope visiting, and Microsoft has developed its own linux.......IT'S THE END TIMES!!!!

I have a friend who somehow became afflicted with children. While visiting one day, I noticed something really odd (in spite of my complete lack of child-rearing skills): Mom would tell one of the children to go to the bathroom, almost out of the blue.

About fifteen years down the line, when she's caught and the inevitable interviews with the neighbors all reveal what a nice child she was, the psychologists hired by the court will trace the whole nightmare back to Mom making her go to the bathroom on command. Books will be written. CSI will do an episode on it.

Speaking of which, did you ever see the neighbors say that it was only a matter of time? They could tell something was going to happen - he was just that kind of child. They're suprised it wasn't worse. THAT's the kind of news we need to see on tv.

• Vladimir Putin will be meeting Elton John for a chat about LGBT rights. And Ted Nugent, for a talk on the proper way to prepare bear.

"If the Government were placed in charge of the Sahara Desert, they would run out of sand in 5 years"
- Milton Friedman

• A Guantanamo Bay detainee has an online dating profile. "Detained but ready to mingle". Their first date will be da bomb!

A DFW Whataburger (former) employee refused to serve police the other day. #policestomachsmatter 

• [sigh] Donald Trump, our only hope for genuine White House hilarity, fashion plate and inveterate dog-fluffer, pledged a huge military buildup and better healthcare for veterans. Oh well, the man whose slogan is 'I couldn't be any worse' is now promising things and not specifying how he'd pay for them. Yes, The Donald is now officially a politician.
• Speaking of buffoons, Jeb Bush says people need to stop demonizing the NSA.

Every few weeks at work, some nice person comes along and dusts my cubicle. The other day I was privileged to observe this ritual: she proceeds to dust all of the bookshelves, which has the effect of relocating all of the dust to my desktop. This is cleaning efficiency at its finest. The Cleaning Union is hiring someone to push all of the dust from the desktop to the floor. Next year's contract includes provisions for a vacuuming expert.

• Being a British Isil jihadist isn't all glamour and brides.... this guy laments the hygiene, shoe theft and lining-up behavior of his fellow jihadists from other countries. Maybe the key to destroying Isil is to let them destroy themselves from within.

Chipzilla has produced a sports bra which opens vents when it senses a certain level of heat and sweat. Millions of men are now practicing their hacking skills.

• Federal air marshals under investigation for filming sex with a prostitute while on duty.  Provided your hijacker is having sex with the marshal, everything is under control. Don't you feel safer already?

Paxil, the antidepressant, is deemed unsafe for young people after reanalysis. The manufacturer said it was safe for young people. What they meant to say was that it was NOT safe for young people. They apologize.

• PC POLICE ATTACK!
• University seeks to ban expressions of intolerance
• Comics don't want to play colleges anymore
• Devo member apologizes for 9-11 themed wedding, box cutter favors
• Robot ethicist launches campaign against sex robots, saying such products demean women and reinforce stereotypes. In unrelated news, robot ethicist's house TP'd and raided by SWAT. Accounts hacked and credit card has charges from religious beastiality midget porn sites.

SELFIE NEWS: A Japanese tourist died at the Taj Mahal after slipping down a staircase. He had been taking a selfie. Another senseless selfie-related death.



MUSICAL MENTIONINGS:

The Reverend Billy F Gibbons (ZZ Top) is about to release a solo album. In the meantime, he's up to his old tricks in the video for Treat Her Right.

John Hiatt is a songwriter who doesn't get his due. He wrote Have a Little Faith in Me (Joe Cocker, others), Memphis in the Meantime (Gregg Allmann), Thing Called Love (Bonnie Raitt), and Angel Eyes (Jeff Healey), among many others. You may not have heard him perform them but his style is original.  He also has a great sense of humor, not a standard feature in too many people from Indianapolis. He recently toured with another ThermionicEmissions favorite, Lyle Lovett.

My brother turned me onto John, the first song being Little Head. Let's just say it's a variation on the theme of of men's central processing units being centrally located. Another song that sits in my phone's mp3 directory is Cry Love. It has no guitar solo and I have no idea what it's about (making me a perfect American consumer).

Speaking of Thing Called Love, here's a Bonnie Raitt live version, complete with John. And nothing would be complete without a complete diversion, via Bonnie Raitt and Emmylou Harris singing backup on Little Feat's live version of Dixie Chicken, complete with RIP Feat members Lowell George and Richie Hayward.

Fred and Paul from Little Feat - Keswick Theater - 9/11/15

Concert Sticker Shock

Like most of us, I grew up going to concerts.  I started on my thirteenth birthday and spent like mad to see all of my favorites.  I even pretended to be older so I could see bands in bars before I was twenty one.  I have seen just about every one of my favorites: Jeff Beck, Frank Zappa, Danny Gatton, ZZ Top,  Peter Frampton, the Allmans, Dickie Betts, Eric Johnson, Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton, Larry Carlton, Frank Marino, Aerosmith, Al DiMeola, Jan Hammer, Allan Holdsworth, Dr John, Little Feat, Joe Satriani, Jimmy Bruno, Joe Cocker, Journey, Queen, Randy Hansen, Robin Trower, Santana,  Stevie Ray Vaughan, Stevie Wonder, and countless others (my dim memory isn't speaking to me lately).

I will forever regret not having seen Jimi Hendrix or Led Zeppelin.... I just wasn't old enough.  Also missed were the huge ZZ Top and Tubes tours in the seventies.... those were what rock and roll was all about.

As I get older, I find myself lacking time, money, and opportunity to see my favorites, although I certainly do when I can.   Recently my wife mentioned really wanting to see Aerosmith again.  We went together, almost twenty years ago and had a blast.  I don't think anyone can explain Steven Tyler, at Social Security age, running around like a loon on fire, but no one really has to: he's Steven F-ing Tyler.

I missed the sale date for the tickets and went to Ticketmaster to look.  After a few minutes I nearly passed out.  If I were of a mind to spend $187.50 per ticket, I could locate a few seats but not two together.  If I wanted to sit next to my wife, that privilege started out at $394.50 each.

But wait - there's more!

If I really decided to splurge, say, a Christmas present for my wife, I could get a pair of tickets in the first section for only $1404.50 each.

Seriously?

Apparently I'm not the only one with this reaction.  There's a section where Ticketmaster explains that these tickets are not resale - these are first sale.

Seriously?

And there are VIP packages, where you can get a meet-and-greet with several band members, along with a laminated pass AND a lanyard.

Hold me back.

This goes well beyond sticker shock, not to mention culture shock.  I mentioned going to my first concert at thirteen.  I saw four national acts and it cost me about twelve bucks.

I do not mean to suggest that there is no such thing as inflation, the passage of time, or a fair profit.  This is just insane.  Fourteen hundred bucks for a concert ticket?  I don't care if Steven Tyler offers me sexual favors: I don't make that kind of money.  And even if I did, I couldn't justify throwing it at the band.  I couldn't afford this if Jimi Himself came back from the grave to give me guitar lessons.

Haven't we gone a little nuts here?  Concert tickets have gone up exponentially; moreso than even the amount we're being gouged for gasoline, percentage-wise.

I hung my head in shame at my failure to come up with a blockbuster Xmas present for my wife but the great majority of my guitars haven't cost me fourteen hundred bucks each.  To her credit, my wife agreed wholeheartedly.

In fact, my wife got downright indignant.

"Fourteen hundred dollars per ticket?  Screw you, Tyler.  You don't know me but I know you.  I saw you on every tour through Philthydelphia.  I supported you when you were so wasted you could barely see where you were tripping onstage.  I am a die hard fan.  Is this the way you treat the fans who have been there since the beginning?  I salivate when I see you onstage.  I can even forgive that picture I saw of you on the beach, topless, with your man-boobs hanging out.  I managed to get past my mother seeing you on tv and saying you were cute!   Sorry, dude - can't do."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I also did a search for ZZ Top tickets.  They're appearing at a small, amazing venue in the area.  I could not locate a single ticket (starting at $79 and up).

I love ZZ Top.  I'm reasonably certain that Joe Perry (Aerosmith) loves the Reverend Billy Gibbons almost as much as I do.  I am a huge fan of the first four albums or so, plus choice bits after.  One of their mottos is `Taste, Tone & Tenacity' and I couldn't agree more.

Unfortunately my wife missed ZZ Top's on-sale date and the concert sold out.

Much like our economy, concert tickets are heading for disaster.