Blue Strawberries

Your love is like  hitting your finger with a stapler

• WARNING: It's that time.. pumpkin spice is back. Keep your kids off the streets and ask Dr. Fauci if we need to be vaccinated against it. If you're still using last year's pumpkin spice tires, you must keep your car six feet from all other cars.

I think it's the house. Everything turns blue eventually.

The worst is bread. Given about a day, it turns blue. Everything has to be refrigerated, including the strawberries. The only thing that doesn't grow hair is the top of my head. If it were blue, it would go unnoticed these days. Blue macaroni and cheese is the worst.

Today in Olympic News:  Something not involving a ball came close to a record in something

Today I identify as  Ultraman

• Know what's interesting? Stats show that adding more lanes to highways doesn't help.

It was a gray, rainy Saturday. The forecast was Generally Ugly.

I was (more) unpleasant, having been awakened at noon.

We took Mom out on Saturday, so Wife had the unpleasant duty of waking me. Things were even worse than normal because the ten foot pole was in the shop for a tuneup, so she had to get within arm's reach of me to get me moving. She established, long ago, that it's best not to be near me when waking me. Or when living with me.

Time is weird when being dragged, painfully, from sleep. I feel my eyelids drifting closed and want to fully support them in their efforts, but realize I can't, just before they slam shut. This usually results in one eye open and one eye shut. It takes roughly 20 minutes to fight the Waking War and actually move a centimeter. Then, with my legs hanging off the bed, it's another few minutes for them to apply themselves to the floor. Socks take a while, though. I have to generate the energy to get one on, then rest for a bit, while I consider if I want two socks that morning. It occurs to me that I should have my coffee before I wake up, making dressing so much easier.

I woke up with a headache - it was my Saturday headache. The Saturday headache is drastically different from my other headaches. I think it's my body getting even with me for getting more than six hours of sleep. It's revolting. I've been told my body is revolting for years. Normally I feel the headache and combat it by going back to sleep.

But I had to soldier on. The problem here was that the headache had invited a few of its friends. They were taking up places in my head and causing clanging noises off and on. I've never had more than one headache, so I was a bit flummoxed. After a while, the headaches started arguing. When Mom asked what I wanted for breakfast, she too was flummoxed at the small motions and tics on my face. She was concerned, because she's never seen me short of words. I'm reasonably certain one of the headaches ordered pancakes when we got to the restaurant, cuz that's what was on the plate. I have to hand it to him - he has good taste - the pancakes were great.  [IHOP Tres Leches]

One thing that pissed off millions of people at the start of social media was the people who went out to eat, took pictures of their food, and described it in detail. They became Foodies. Foodies were only slightly more popular than Furries. The reason I mentio
n this is that this blog is kind of an anti-foodie service. One reads along and sees what I like. Then one strenuously avoids it due to sugar, calorie, or fat content. This is like a free public service. Ihop had a promotional hot chocolate last year that had something like maple syrup in it. I think they called it French toast hot chocolate. It was delicious. Unfortunately it's no longer here and the waitress had never heard of it.

It's not that coffee outside my house is bad, but I prepare large travel barrels to take on the way to the restaurant. The Coffee Police should come down on Ihop and Waffle House in a serious manner.

Temporarily almost caffeinated, I ate. This calmed the inter-headache sparring. Some of them even took the rest of the afternoon off, while some came and went. It was near 5:00 when I got home, without my first nap. Sometimes my first nap comes as I transition from the bed to the couch, so this was a glaring problem, as reinforced by the headaches. They stopped arguing and decided to work together for evil, teaming up to sing some current hits. I threatened them with "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" and they quieted down. Stuffed for the next seventeen hours, I did what was right for my body and started my first nap. When I got up, a few hours later, the headaches were gone. Let this be a lesson to me... if I take naps, the singing stops? Was this a cluster headache, because there were so fsking many of them? And to stop getting up before 1:00 on weekends.

• Yes, the food and culture are great, but why live in New Orleans? The entire city is without power due to Hurricane Ida. No matter what happens, New Orleans gets it. It's like the state flag says "Hey hurricane - come get me - nyah nyah!" 
• some areas won't have power for weeks

How are broken clouds different from scattered clouds? Or mostly cloudy? Or mostly sunny? I've obviously been checking the weather today, in a last ditch effort to avoid.....  mowing.  On the other hand, it's more difficult to mow wet grass and it grows faster due to too much rain. When I first visited the southwest, I noticed few lawns. It was a life-changing experience for me.  [notice I didn't say g*me ch*nger]

Every other house on the block has nice grass. I mow weeds, that grow while I'm cutting them. My grass is the kind that doesn't need sun - only rain. It's perfect for the climate. It's called Philly Raingrass.

• is it funny that I can't even get my own relatives and friends to read this blog? I feel really weird about sending out an email, asking them to check it out. Got any suggestions?

I just saw a listing for "Politics Nation with Rev Al Sharpton."

Remember: the two people who watch it vote and their vote counts as much as yours.

• President Taxes called on leaders to mandate vaccines
• #ImpeachBiden

I'm not suggesting you get your shots or not - that's your decision. I will not have mandates, especially the kind that come from government. The shutting down of businesses by state government was a disaster. Nanny State needs to be stopped. You're old enough to make your own decisions.

• Faceyspaces has trackers in 25% of its websites and 61% of the most popular apps
• I don't use Faceyspaces, but I'd advise using 'private browsing' windows for all browsing. When you close them, everything gets deleted.

Moderna Vaccine Shipment Crashes, Prompting Hazmat Cleanup and Shuttering of Airspace

Huh?

And we put this in our bodies?  

• Federal government to expand use of facial recognition despite growing concerns
• They don't care what you think, they don't care if it's illegal or unconstitutional - they're the government

 

With all that's wrong with Google and Gmail, I have to give their spam filter credit. The worst I've had is a few false positives.

• Ok, we all have musical guilty pleasures. Right now I'm listening to Slade. What's yours?

 

[Guitar Only]

I have no idea what possessed me, but I bought a Vox VBM1, the Brian May model. It's small, white, and looks like an AC30 put in a dryer and shrunk down to roughly 12" across.

It has just a few knobs, which is good for guitar players, who can't handle complex equipment. It has a switch too. Save the limited space in your brain and leave the switch depressed (or you'll be depressed).  The knobs are GAIN, TONE, and VOLUME. GAIN controls distortion, you should know the rest. The switch is a gain switch. There is a preamp output, as well as a few others.

How does it sound? Depends on how long you've been playing and what you're looking for out of an amp. The thing is much louder than it looks. The clean tone is... among the most recent clean tones I've ever heard. The fun here is with the GAIN switch depressed (not depressed is lower gain, which didn't sound at all good). You can control the GAIN by degrees with the GAIN knob. This is a real powerhouse of a gain box. It can take you over the top, where there's too much gain (did I say that?). 

Let's be real: this will not make you sound like Brian May. It was put together to emulate his Deacy amp, built by bandmate John Deacon, out of an old transistor radio. The Deacy was used on several older Queen songs (none of which I remember). As it is, it's a really fun toy. The hidden key is the preamp output. Brian uses a treble booster to overload his amps, so this is allegedly the same circuitry. You can plug the guitar into the Vox, run the preamp output to your real tube amp (Brian uses 9 Vox AC30s live) and punch the hell out of the front end of the amp(s). Hang in for a review using the amp this way. May isn't the only famous player to use a booster in front of his amp. Jimmy Page used a number of Tone Benders. If you look closely, Ritchie Blackmore used a reel to reel deck into his Marshalls. Tony Iommi used a sledgehammer.

OVERALL: it's another cute living room toy. The amp itself is cheaper than some of the current treble boosters, so consider that. It's a decent, cheap practice amp. I don't have a lot of use for it. Will probably sell or trade. It's between $250-$300 used. For May enthusiasts, there's also the Digitech pedal that gives you a bunch of his signature tones. That's going to cost you around $300+ used at this time. Unless you sing like Freddy Mercury, it's unlikely to get you laid.

kudos to me for reviewing something put out years and years ago.

I will not be reviewing the mini Marshall stack because someone bought it before I did.

Think of the money I saved.

• Oh poop - right-wing NRA hottie Dana Loesch is married

Taliban militants stormed a Kabul tv station to demand anchor praise the terror group

Over here, that's just network news (without the storming).

 

The Anvil of Amazon Amuses and Amazes All who Approach

 Amazon continues to keep themselves in the news. The workers describe excessive heat, fainting in NYC warehouse.

These guys are like the government: they keep abusing the workers and nothing ever happens.

Also reported: the plague, herpes, and giving birth 

Your love is like  a rabies shot

FBI Confiscates Alleged Rioter's ‘Fully Constructed U.S. Capitol Lego Set’

Also an erector set, lincoln logs, and a couple of Rubik's cubes in the shape of an ihop 

EU increases pressure on Hungary over LGBT law

Regardless of how you feel about the law, note that the larger group (EU) is putting pressure. This is precisely the reason to not consider membership in any group including other countries. No group should have sovereignty over a country (like the UN). All of this has nothing to do with whether you agree or not with the legislation.

Today I identify as  out of date condoms

How's that car - is it repaired yet? 

Yer kidding me, right?

They still haven't gotten it towed from the tow truck place to the collision place. It's about 3 weeks since the accident. Two people from insurer have told me it's being towed in the past week. 

Ooooh, now it can't be towed without me releasing it.

Keystone Kop Towing, Inc.

How's the rental? 

Funny you should ask. They called this morning to let me know we are about to run out of rental days from our insurer.

It's a Mercedes SUV. WTF am I doing in a Mercedes? Everybody who sees me getting out of it wonders who that dirtbag is, getting out of the Mercedes. He certainly doesn't look like he can afford a used Hyundai, no less a Mercedes. Believe me, it's only because the rental car company took pity on us because they didn't have rental cars twice when we went there. I got stopped twice because the police thought I stole it.  PROFILING! 

How's the insurance? 

The third person I talked to this week, who told me the car is being towed to the collision center,  is allegedly getting the car towed to the collision center. After I release it. And they are nice enough to extend the rental days, for obvious reasons.

How's the car? 

Is it the Catholics who have a Purgatory? I think it's in Purgatory.

No, wait, Purgatory is after you die. Limbo?

It's in a Quantum state, in which it's at the tow center and the collision center (until it's observed).

This would be funny if I didn't have to pay a daily rate on the rental, regardless of the fact I have rental days through insurance. It's like health insurance, or any other insurance.

What now? 

The car will continue in a quantum state until it eventually gets towed. At that point, it will exist in only one place, which is obviously completely the wrong place. Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe that within a day of the quantum reveal, it will exist at the right place.

Whenever it arrives at the right place, Right Place Activities will start.

Keeping in mind that the tow guy said it might be totaled, it will then proceed with its estimate of the situation. Estimating is not a process to take lightly. 

1. the car goes to the Estimating Spot<tm>
2. the car is ignored for a week or two, because they're 'very busy' [with beer and spliffs]
3. customer calls to ask about car: "We're working on it. We've spoken to Insurance, but we're not going to tell you what we told them"
4. customer calls Insurance: "No, they haven't called us at all. We have 14 messages into them."
5. customer calls estimator: "It's ok, we've been really busy. The Emmys are coming up and we have been discussing them seriously and have to put our bets in. We should be able to get to it next week."
6. estimator walks around car, waits a week, makes notes, does nothing else
7. customer calls insurer, gets second rental car extension, has no idea of status
8. insurer gives up and gives customer the rental car for good

AND SOMEBODY SCRAPED THE RENTAL.

Go ahead, skeptics - tell me the universe isn't plotting against me.

Forced to get off the couch, I wound up driving the rental. To say the controls are user-hostile is to refer to WWII as a minor skirmish. I gave up trying to get the a/c off Tsunami Mode. My mom froze in her seat and we had to spend the entire weekend thawing her out.

More than anything, I wanted to Bluetooth my phone into the stereo, so I could listen to some music. I tried for half an hour. Wife tried for another hour. Needless to say, we're still stuck with the radio. There is no manual in the car. The trouble, as I see it, is that the entire system was designed by one of Mercedes' janitors, after a weekend bender. It was like one of those kids games, where they put plastic stickers on a surface. The system asks you to do something, but there's no way to say YES or NO. It just sits there, mocking the renter, knowing there will be no pairing today. Or ever.

• I'm taking a two week vacation from pr0n.
• Aren't you impressed that I could type that with a straight face?

The Internet of Clean: Samsung washing machine app requires access to your contacts and location

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Dear Everybody: Joe's load is done. Come see Joe's load.

• Quadriplegic driver makes Goodwood Festival racing debut
• "Nobody told me I'd have to turn!"

It's been quiet on the internet and at work since LGBTQ+@- pride month expired.

There were actual meetings about putting LGBTQ into our work.

A survey of networks and hackers revealed that they don't care about LGBTQ and will continue to do their jobs regardless.

Hacker 1: man, there's a ton of industries we can hit this month

Hacker 2: we'll make millions on ransomware

Hacker 1: we promised to stay out of medical

Hacker 2: yup

Hacker 1: it's Pride Month, so we have to avoid LGBTQ

Hacker 2: how do we know?

Hacker 1: aside from theater - everything's fair game

Police: Man dies after he was found suffering from head wound

Coroner unable to connect the two 

KARAOKE TRAGEDY
Woman, 35, crushed to death by six karaoke screens as she celebrates her birthday in Russia nightclub

Karaoke is the tragedy

I went to a dry karaoke night, to support some alcoholic friends.

It was enough to make you drink.

Highly potent cannabis may cause memory issues for marijuana smokers and vapers

Huh?

I'm the hardass in the family.

Mrs. lefty is a saint who naturally has a lot of patience.

We took Mom our for food the other day.

There are pancake chains and there are pancake chains. This one had a blue sign.

The parking lot was near empty but, surprisingly, there were many people inside. And when I say many people, I mean many dirty tables. Mrs lefty went in to get us a table. She saw the carnage and waited for someone to seat her. There were three employees engaged in Important Conversation and indicated she should Hold On. Mrs. lefty, sainted and full of patience, actually turned around and left. It takes an awful lot to get on her nerves, as you would imagine. She said the employees looked relieved they didn't have to deal with another of those troublesome customers.

This location of the blue sign pancake chain is a disaster. To be fair, it's a disaster or slightly less disastrous, depending on time, day, and position of the Moon. We really wanted to give it a chance, plus it's really close. We normally drive 20 minutes up the road to their other location, which is nice, clean, has good service, and only slightly boisterous clientele. We mentioned this to the staff once, and they told us we're not the first people to say that.

When at the closer location, the nature of the disaster can run be from the customers and the staff or any degree in between. The customers are asked to leave their machetes, explosive devices, and children outside, but they can't read the signs. So to start, you have something that looks like a cross between George of the Jungle and a really bad war movie. The machetes are flying, the children are seeing how loud they have to screech to blow out eardrums or get their parents to do something, so there are a lot of busted eardrums. The wait time is thirty minutes, and when I say wait time, I mean from the time you're seated til a waitress happens to stumble by your table, mostly by accident. You better get your order in quickly because you're not likely to see her for a while, possibly til the next weekend. I've seen entire tables get sat, eat, and leave, before our order is taken. If the order arrives, it will be screwed up and she will apologize. She will promise to fix it, but that's just to keep you quiet so she can escape your table. She's not coming back. I'm kidding,.,... she'll come back with a check, eventually. By the time the check arrives, you're another year older and can't remember what you ate or what didn't arrive. Unless you check with the member of your party who died waiting.

They should really call the place WaitHop.

Meanwhile, the other tables are happy and wish to spread their joy by screaming, throwing food (if it arrived), and making intricate figurines out of their napkins (if they arrived). You will want to duck the flying silverware, if they haven't gone to plastic, out of fear of the Flying AIDS. Each table member takes out their phone and plays different tunes at once, as loud as the phone will go. Without parental attention, the children have escaped and are now standing on other guests' tables and taking their wallets. They are playing with stuff that looks suspiciously like plastic explosives.

When you ask the staff to call their next closest location to see if they're open and can get you a table, they get upset for some reason. I think this location exists to bump up the numbers of the farther location. Or this location is an experiment in how badly they can treat customers and what kind of animals they can attract before people get up and leave.

I Got a Job Hammering Dulcimers

Your love is like mayonnaise on peanut butter



Dear lefty

• Why do people from other countries come to this blog?
• clicking on bad links, searches for service elephants, 3D printed chicken nuggets, the Ministry of Silly Hats, boob-shaming, or bladder leak underwear 

Russian interference in the election continues, with the revelation that thousands of Russians watched the debates. [Stosh said to Pavlov, "If Americans believe this iznuryat, they're interfering in their own election."]

In other Cyrillic news, Russia plans to release the early Flying AIDS vaccine data. Aside from the fact that the vaccine doesn't work and it's too early to have accurate results, the vaccine is a big success.

There are very slight differences between Russian and American governments. A rocket launches, then promptly fails to remain airborne, crashing into a small city. In Russia, the event never happened. In America, the crash is highly publicized, the government pays millions to the city, and the budget for NASA is increased by billions because of redacted for national security reasons.

• Credit where it's due: a senator asked the Department of Homeland Security if foreign-controlled browser extensions threatened the US. I think most of Congress couldn't identify a browser extension, so kudos to him.

If you think you have to get up early, witness the plight of Space Station astronauts, who were awakened to look for an air leak.

Uhhhh.... Space Station.. this is Houston. THIS IS HOUSTON. GET UP, SLEEPYHEADS. Sorry to wake you, but it seems there's a bit of an air leak we'd like you to locate. No problem if you don't want to get up, but don't expect to get up again. Ever.



Eating at the Blue Sign

Recently we went out for dinner, to iHops, for pancakes. They're starting to allow dine-in (picking up pancakes to eat at home just doesn't seem right, plus we lost the ancient recipe to make them at home). They almost seemed surprised that we wanted to eat-in. The atmosphere was pretty creepy or downright silly, depending on your point of view. The buffer between aisles was covered with huge rows of plastic wrap. I suspect that this was not for wrapping up your food for the dog. There were 2 other diners, seated roughly a half mile apart, to satisfy social-distancing regulations.

The menu went from a hardback 23 page, full-color spread to a nearly colored table mat. Oddly, they still had our favorites, along with deep-fried chicken, deep-fried burgers, deep-fried grease bits, and one chicken sandwich that wasn't deep fried (it came wrapped in bacon). I particularly love the mandatory caloric information next to each dish, along with the occasional SODIUM WARNING. This was added by nosy, busybody politicians, because people don't know that chocolate chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate whipped cream, floating in Real Imitation Maple Syrup is high in calories and not particularly good for you. My favorite thing on the menu was the discovery that the healthy pancakes had more calories than the chocolate ones. The only WARNING missing was that you should avoid the iced tea lemonade unless you enjoy the taste of convenience store plastic bottled lemonade. I don't know this for a fact, but I suspect the eggs come from cardboard or plastic containers, containing the minimum amount of Egg Product allowed by the Food and Drug Administration. They taste sorta like egg-like substance, but not enough for me to order one. Mrs lefty likes the pancakes that smile at you, if only as a reminder to take her meds.

We got the finest plastic silverware: it was black, in support of Black Lives Matter. It came in its own, germ-resistant plastic packet. The waitress asked us if we had iPhones, because we could order online. Everybody vigorously shook their heads no. Aren't we paying for (and tipping) a waitress? The instructions said that we had to enable location, wireless, and give it full access to our addressbooks. I was beginning to think we were at a walk-in Faceyspaces. Aside from the plastic-wrapped dividers, the waitresses were all wearing masks. We felt particularly protected, especially when we saw all the waitresses were not covering their noses with their masks. Remember the choice of syrups in those wicked containers that were usually close to empty? The waitress brought out 2 small, round, almost to-go containers of maple syrup only.  Someone complained the coffee was watery. Well, you like convenience store coffee, so why are you complaining? It's all colored water anyway.

Fortunately the food was the same as we remembered it, even if it was served on small paper plates, delivered by a waitress from 6' away, with some sort of long-arm contraption so she didn't have to get anywhere near us. I don't blame her, but for other reasons.... I wouldn't want to wait on me either. I don't look like the kind of person you'd want to wait on, in spite of my sweet, genteel manner, good looks, and refined fashion sense. On my best behavior, I didn't curse out loud once, attracting the attention of the entire restaurant.

Between 2 recent excursions to eat at restaurants, I decided to give up until the Flying AIDS has passed and we can all eat together, with metal silverware and waitresses that aren't afraid to come near the tables. Then I can go back to complaining about the noisy little f-ers that always get seated next to us, whose parents seem unaware of their screaming, which can be heard over a plane taking off (or an Ozzy concert).

• Tesco, One of the World's Largest Supermarket Operators, Sets 300% Sales Target For Plant-Based Alternatives To Meat
• Unfortunately, Tesco's customers set a 300% sales loss, because the stuff tastes like meat-flavored plants, only not as good.

Noted scientist, virologist, and war criminal, Bill Gates, has come up with a 3 point plan to rid the world of the Flying AIDS. Many suggest we'd be better off ridding the world of Bill Gates.

With the lack of actual ticket sales and running out of government bailout money, airlines are running Fights to Nowhere. You get on the plane, take off, see some stuff, then land. Highlights include:

• higher ticket prices than Flights to Somewhere
• that same airline food you know and love
• DISCLAIMER: if you bring luggage, there is no guarantee it will be lost
• the Miss Arizona SCUBA Team pageant
• TSA screening takes no time, including the prostate check (you too, ladies) 
• with early booking, you can request a child to scream and kick your seat, or a grossly overweight person to sit next to you
• No masks required on Covid flights
• Deplaning made faster and easier. With parachutes.

Because California has been out of the Crazy News for a few days, they just announced they'll house prisoners based on gender identity, not biological sex. Are they going to provide runways for prisoners who identify as F-15s? 

• Kylie Jenner's makeup company warns of a data breach.
• Asked for comment, Ms. Jenner said, "What's a data breach?"

Happys 

Buddy Rich - the drummer

Johnny Mathis - chances are he's 85

Marc Bolan - no longer banging a gong

Less Happys 

Mac Davis - heart surgery a few days ago

Mary Ford - wife of Les Paul, helluva player

Black Lives Matter have chartered a Russian Rocket (because American rockets are full of white privilege). They are planning to go into space and put on a massive protest because black holes are racist.

Pundits say the protest will be marred because many have suggested BLM take a rocket somewhere anyway, and because black holes tend to suck anything around into them, especially Marxists. There is no way to peacefully set fire to a black hole, which will also come as a surprise to BLM.

If You've Got a Virus Up There, I'm Not Scanning for It

Let's start with some good old "hey, that's cool!"
Arcimoto is testing its electric rapid responder with a fire department
It's a 3 wheel electric vehicle. The fire company is having fun with it.  I always wanted to be a fireman, but I discovered there aren't a lot of positions for firemen who can't stand heights or when it gets too hot. Other than that, I'd be #1 on the squad.

• Huawei expects a 20% drop in phone sales, thanks to lack of Google apps
• Hell - if the hardware didn't come from China, the lack of Google apps would be a plus for everyone!

Dear Russia:
We have read many stories of alleged interference with our elections.
We have noticed a serious uptick in the number of Russian readers, for which we are thankful. IF any of you have come here to affect the next election, whoever you're getting your intel from is smoking crack again. This blog couldn't influence anyone's choice for lunch, no less an election.

I'm kidding.
Thanks for coming by.





Because of MASS PANIC over CORONAVIRUS, ridiculous steps are being taken, such as working from home. We did some research on occupations not yet endorsing work-from-home....

• pilot
• sanitation engineer
• breast lump checker
• dog
• bra fitter
• Well Heeled Oral Retention Expert.
• bus driver
• mob enforcer

• There's a reason Morning and Monday start with the same letter....

Jesse Jackson now endorses Bernie. This should cause your decision to be made, for or against.  Bernie said he'd endorse Biden, should Biden win. Reached for comment, Biden said, "The percolater's on the roof and the cardboard needs refreshing." At his last appearance, it took just over 20 seconds to start an argument about guns.

Biden extends lead over Sanders

---> in a tiny nod toward sanity, old white socialist losing ground.
---> in a nod toward Politics as Usual, old white, somewhat forgetful former VP whose former boss won't even endorse him, gains lead.


Let's step back for a moment and look at what we have here:

• on the rep side we have a president who was voted in as a protest and is the literal example of divide and conquer, even before he took office
• on the dem side, the primary field was shockingly... weird, led by a socialist.  At this point it's coming down to the socialist and the former VP, a cranky old guy who is prone to misstatements, forgetting things, and has the people skills of Kim Jong be Illin, without all that nasty self-confidence
• I weep for my country
• meanwhile, the best man for the job wears a boot on his head (and won the MA libertarian primary)

DHS claims 2020 will be the 'most secure' election in US history
Where were you when the first piece of software was a total failure?
These people couldn't secure their pocket change.

Exclusive: Critical U.S. Election Systems Have Been Left Exposed Online Despite Official Denials

“If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.”

~ General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett.

BULLETIN: Menstrual cup misuse can cause pelvic organ prolapse

I have questions....
WHAT is a menstrual cup?
Can you drink coffee from it?
Do you wear it on your head?
Why does it look like the front half of a condom?
How do you know if you're misusing it?

WARNING: we hope the veracity of this article is not tainted by a country that sends people to the gynaecologist.

• 10 actors you forgot guest-starred on Deadwood
• hint: Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons

Today I identify as   a menstrual cup

• There are many kinds of fish, but 2% are mouthbreeders: they keep their fertilized eggs in their mouth
• ThermionicEmissions would never stoop to under-water blowjob jokes 

Each generation has its own cross to bear. The current one is "Life and struggle after YouTube fame".  As you giggle, remember this is called schadenfraude (joy in the misery of others).




CONTINUED CORONAVIRUS PANIC

People who can't spell their middle name have suddenly memorized COVID-19.

More BBC news: Health Minister Nadine Dorries tests positive for coronavirus.
Also: Iran's health minister tests positive for coronavirus
You can't make this stuff up....

US health insurers will cover costs of COVID-19 testing and treatment.

Coronavirus grows up: officially a pandemic!
PPPAAANNNNNIICCCC!

• One of the things my father will be remembered for was his love of Coast to Coast radio, with George Noory.  He called him Nardi. No one knows why.

Some people make the same mistakes over and over again, without noticing.
Some notice. Some insist on replicating the mistakes over and over again. As far as going to IHOP, I'm in the latter category. My mom likes it there and they're very consistent from restaurant to restaurant. Well, the food is rather consistent - the noise isn't.

Last time I asked for the No Screaming Children section and they sat me 3 feet away from a real screamer. This time there were about 4 tables full and an empty restaurant. We were roundly ignored til the cook took pity on us and found us a table.

Within minutes the table next to us broke out into bawling children.
Minutes later, the table on the other side went NUCLEAR, with the little gentleman screaming his fool head off at the top of his precious little lungs. His mother was practicing a new style of parenting... she simply ignored the Duke of Decibels and continued to give her order as if he weren't there screaming so loudly that the IHOP in the next town asked him to turn it down.

This gorgeous little man (I think - I can't tell by screams alone) continued to try outdoing the volume and ferocity of his previous outburst. Mom was quite consistent in her parenting: she consistently did not shut the child down. That took effort. And balls.

My mother, half deaf, kept jumping in her seat, as Bob Marley's Wailer exploded in shriekdom. At one point he was doing a story he wrote, with Spiderman and Batgirl in it, playing both parts simultaneously.

Four hours later, we noticed the side order of pancakes never appeared, so they brought it by, because they're nice that way.

As we can no longer stand the children and didn't bring hearing protection, we got ready to leave. At this point, the prime instigator kept leaping up, looking at my mother, then hiding. Much to our surprise, his mother's training program fell apart and she scolded him for jumping up. She did not say a word while Young Pavoratti serenaded several restaurants and blew out untold numbers of eardrums, but he could not be allowed to jump up in his seat.

My mother was aghast as we left. Her kids put her through hell, but only when they were teens. I hear stories that we were perfectly behaved when we went out. As you can tell, we got worse as we grew up. It's at times like these that I'm thankful for dogs. And maybe impotence.




Heroes of the Stupid

Florida seventh grader sends 41 to hospital when he mistakes pepper spray for body spray.

Battleships Confide in Me and Tell Me Where You Are

Don't blame me... it's a Yes lyric, from Yours is no Disgrace.

• Airbnb claims its AI can predict whether guests are psychopaths.
• I can't speak for the technology, but it would explain why there's never an available reservation for me.
• Among other things, it mines your social media posts. Think abut that for a moment.

5 steps to protect your privacy in 2020, courtesy of Duckduckgo.com and Spreadprivacy.com

• I hate like hell to do this, but I try to be helpful... you can still downgrade to Win 10. Here's the method. No idea how long this will last.
• If you've decided to join the stampede to a different operating system, ANY operating system, there's always MAC and linux. Neither has a huge learning curve, they're both more stable, they're not advertising platforms, and no one spies on you (that's an assumption with MAC). You can try linux out without altering your system in any way, using a USB stick. You can also dual-boot Win and lin. Ask if you have questions or need tips.

Since I'm ranting anyway, and since I'm a glutton for punishment, we went out for breakfast the other day. Things have been much better since the days when my order would be forgotten or messed up. No one asks me to sit at a different table so their order will come out. We went to Ihop. There's an Ihop right around the corner, so we drive to the one 20 minutes away. The local one has incompetent waitresses and clientele better suited for a schoolyard, except for the guns (I hope).

I figured 2pm was good for breakfast, plus it wouldn't be crowded.
I was wrong.
Apparently church lets out and most of the parishioners go to Ihop after. That's ok, at least they're well-behaved (and color-coordinated).
SURPRISE! We got seated next to a child who was being LOUD.
When I say seated next to, I mean 3' away. The only way I could've been closer to him was to be seated at his table. He continued to explode into fits of Loud, at odd intervals, causing the other rug rats at the table to sound off too. He looked old enough to know better. I did hear his mom explain this was not acceptable (her words), but the child apparently thought it was perfectly acceptable. I would never hurt a child, so I suggested slapping the parents. We had made the cardinal mistake of eating out: eating out. We had also forgotten to ask for the No Screaming Children Section. The waitress heartily agreed. And you know, for a fact, that this little noisemaker was at the table for the entirety of our meal, until 5 minutes before we left.

I don't want to be That Guy<tm>, or sound like some cantankerous Old Dude<tm>, who eats dinner at 4pm and complains about everything. We don't eat out a lot, so it would be nice not to be disturbed when we do. The last time it was a screaming infant all the way across the restaurant (aspiring opera diva), plus 4 extremely chatty, very annoying early teens, who all talked at the same time, even when their table threatened to disintegrate from the noise and vibration produced by their flapping lips. Mrs lefty is trying to calm me down, so I didn't make an even larger spectacle, like last time, when I got hold of the soda hoses and sprayed down the entire noisemaking table, then swing around the room like Tarzan, reveling in the applause from the rest of the diners. I have no idea what Mrs lefty's problem is, but some of the church ladies said they'd pray for her.

I told Mrs lefty that this level of noise was unacceptable, unless there was a small nuclear event. When I pointed out that when we were kids, we were well-behaved, she said times have changed. This is true, but not screeching and disturbing the entire restaurant has never gone out of style.

Dear Abbie Ann:
We need help (desperately). Whenever we go out, there are children screaming and many restaurants don't have screaming children-free seating. What is the polite thing to do in this circumstance?
Puzzled in Pittsburgh.

Dear Putzled:
From the list of things you tried, I would highly recommend avoiding the ones involving hoses, bananas, body parts that aren't typically exposed, and service elephants with pet anvils.  Instead, I would have the waitress use hoses, bananas, body parts that aren't typically exposed, and service elephants with pet anvils. One must always do the right thing in the right way.
-Abbie Ann

• Samsung is coming out with a 43" display that automatically rotates for vertical content. If you think that's neat, you should see what it does for dance videos.

AT&T et al are fighting against higher upload speeds.
Other countries continue laughing at us.

• Our good friends at Faceyspaces are introducing a privacy tool at the 2020 CES show. 
• Because they were hauled in front of Congress, this tool completely ignores the items Congress addressed.
• A privacy tool. From Faceyspaces. This is like a tax-saving tool from the government.

New drinking game: set out your beverage of choice. Turn on the tv. Take a shot every time you hear "game changer."  Warning: You could be dead within an hour.

• New York is proposing a statewide virtual currency.
• You will only be able to spend 16 virtual dollars at once, because spending 32 is unhealthy and the state will protect them from it.

I have an idea.  [uh-oh]
No, it's barely even weird.
I think we should all have a Live Funeral.
A funeral is held for you, but you're there to watch it. You hear what people really think of you. I think we'd be pleasantly surprised.

Nobody was surprised to find me missing at important family gatherings. They all say, "That lefty - he's his own man."  That's some of what I think I'll hear at my live funeral. I want everyone to tell their best lefty story - the funniest thing they saw me do or the most awkward thing they saw me do. My funeral will have people rolling in the aisles.


Speaking of saying nice things, my old boss accepted a job in another state and we held a going away party for him. My responsibility was always a roast of whoever was leaving. He came up to me later and said it was the most uncomfortable few minutes of his life. I had done my job.

I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
What you see is what you get. I'm like this on paper and in person.
Sometimes *I* can't believe some of the stuff I say... it just kinda comes out (did I really say that? oof!). They say I have no filters. I bought one last year, so at least I don't say FUCK too much in public. Well, I don't say FUCK near as much as I used to in public. I've cut it out almost totally at work. Almost.



Mahdokht Shaibani at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, developed a lithium-sulphur battery with a capacity 5x higher than lithium-ion. It could keep a phone charged for 5 days. By the end of the day, she will have the test results on flame resistance.

• Gay Grindr date murders man, forgets to disclose he's a cannibal.

The city of Oakland, California, is creating the Department of Violence Prevention to help crack down on violence.

Well, let's see. There are laws. Then there's the Department of Violence Punishment, aka The Police. What is violence prevention - pre crime? Going to schools and telling the children not to steal? Just say no to shooting?

• Some people aren't people people.

Linksys routers, already able to sense movement, will soon be able to monitor your breathing.  I feel queasy.  Naturally this means they will sell millions to well-meaning idiots, who will then complain when their health info gets into the hands of the insurance industry and hackers.

• Faceyspaces has banned deepfake videos. 
• If they can identify them.

The FBI can't unlock the Pensacola gunman's 2 iPhones, so they want Apple to.
Damn you, America.... if there were a backdoor, like the govt wants, this wouldn't be an issue. Stupid privacy people.




Today I identify as   pork.

• You cannot have a happy ending to an unhappy journey.
• Uh-oh.

Heroes of the Stupid

Florida woman threatened to rob McDonalds if she didn't get enough dipping sauce.




SJW Stuff

This summer, you'll be able to buy Trans salmon.
Ok, transgenic salmon, with spliced genes to make it grow faster indoors.
The trans salmon must be at least 25% of your total salmon purchase and demands you use its preferred pronouns: it, that, and wtf.

Playing Hopscotch on the Telephone Pole

There is an issue with Chrome-based browsers (Chrome, Opera, Vivaldi, Brave and most that aren't Firefox). If you're especially concerned about your privacy and rely on blocker add-ons like uBlock, Chrome screws the way they work and your info could get past them and/or you'll get ads. This does not happen in Firefox, so I'll continue to recommend it as a safer browser, even though it needs some de-googling.



OnePlus' smartphone has a 'disappearing' camera.
Let's take it one step further and have a disappearing phone, for when people talk too loudly in public.

MIT scientists made a shape-shifting material that morphs into a human face.

• ALIEN TECHNOLOGY! Aliens! Maybe Reptilians. Or maybe MIT scientists. They're a pretty smart bunch, those aliens scientists. But I kid.

A father took his son to Mongolia just to get him off his phone.
Child went through detox so bad, he had to be airlifted out of the country.

• Mariah Carey's Twitter account was hacked.
• Nobody noticed until she started making sense.

60 Minutes is investigating the death of Jeffrey Epstein. That's funny.
Since you're a ThermionicEmissions reader (even if by force), you know that he was murdered. You knew this before any photos came out. Having seen a photo, it's obvious he didn't hang himself with bedsheets, at the same time the security camera failed and the guards forgot to look in on him.

I believe Epstein was sacrificed to send a warning: this is what will happen if you tell. Dat's a nize neck you got theyah. It would be a shame for anyting t' happen to it, capeesh?

• Remember the Cambridge Analytics disaster, where it misappropriated 87 million Faceyspaces profiles? It's worse than you thought. The manipulation was obscene.

Troubleshooting follows a logical path: check one element at a time until you locate the bad one. The other day, my laptop went POOF and powered off: this is not normal. Laptop batteries can fail and prevent the machine from powering up. So I pulled the battery and ran off the power supply. And the machine failed to power up. Soooo, the battery AND power are bad?  After a bit more testing, the battery WAS bad, plus Penny had turned off a power strip that controlled the laptop. Troubleshooting should not include the results of dog.

Sooooo.... I needed a laptop battery - off to Ebay.

For obvious reasons, sellers of laptop batteries and memory are plentiful and really easy to find. You don't even have to know what battery or memory your machine takes: just search for "[machine brand and model] battery" and you have 400 listings. 

Unfortunately, to purchase a battery on Ebay, you have to log into Ebay. This, naturally, was an issue. As you've read, online purchases are one of my most reliable triggers. Simply buying a battery, which anyone can do almost instantly and without a fuss, is like negotiating world peace for me; only I get much angrier.  Typically the process involves discovering that the site doesn't like locked-down browsers or linux browsers. This time it was more insidious...

It wanted my phone number.

It already has my phone number.

But it wanted it again.

I tried clicking, making up phone numbers, and hitting escape - no luck.

If I don't want to give you my phone number, why are you bothering me?

Finally I found a set of numbers that worked.

Joyous at my login, the next screen wanted me to get through a CAPTCHA. 

I hate CAPTCHAs. My browsers hate CAPTCHAs. The industry hates CAPTCHAs. This one was particularly evil, involving putting a puzzle piece in place. Normally this would've been easy, but I couldn't see the puzzle piece.

NEXT BROWSER, please.

Ok, now I can see the puzzle piece and move it to the slot. Such joy in accomplishment.

But Wait!!!!  Now it wants me to pick security questions!

Wife knew I was making an online purchase because the house was shaking, there was high level screaming, and the dog was in panic mode.

Listen, Pig Fuckers.... I've been on Ebay for lots of years. Never hacked, never a fraud. LEAVE ME ALONE. Plus you already have my security questions - I document this stuff.

Total time: 20 minutes to log in, 2 minutes to purchase.

If Ebay gave a care in the world about their customers, I'd drop them a line to tell them about my feelings. 

• Blinded by the Light was a huge cover hit for Manfred Mann's Earth Band. Don't let that be your only impression of them - they have some pretty cool music. Check them out.

If you're looking for some interesting online radio, I found 2:

http://www.radiorockuk.com/

Radio Rock is a British station that plays what can be described as 70s progressive, with bands like Yes, Camel, Cream, and the occasional Jeff Beck or Peter Frampton. It's pretty interesting listening, even for background music. I can guarantee you've never heard radio like this, for better or worse.

https://kgraradio.com/
KGRA is a really interesting conspiracy-ish station. It features shows all day and night dealing with all the typical topics: ufo, paranormal, news, etc. It's a good place to pick up some knowledge, handed down by good people in their fields. Use your discretion as to whether it's good information or not.

They can be listened to in your browser, your audio player, and your cell phone, via browser, player, or one of the net radio players, like Online Radio Box (android, not sure about iDevices). There are bunches of free net radio players available on all platforms. All of them go to Faceyspaces and other ad networks first.

• A startup called Byton is producing a small electric SUV. They got tongues wagging because the 'infotainment system' will feature a 48" screen. From pictures, it doesn't look like it could transport a 48" screen home from the electronics store. When phones and displays started making it into cars, the worry was that drivers would get distracted. How could anyone possibly be distracted by an infotainment system that is literally the dashboard, stretching across the windshield...  We won't even discuss the voice recognition and privacy implications.

22 young women were tricked into doing porn by GirlsDoPorn, and were awarded $13 million by a judge. In legalese, this means the girls will get to split $3 million, and the lawyers the rest. I am not a lawyer, but I have seen commercials for lawyers, so I feel qualified to comment. The girls answered ads for clothed modeling. When they showed up, it was porn. But they were assured it wouldn't wind up on the net; only recorded to DVD, for collectors in Australia and New Zealand.

So naturally it wound up on the net, and lawyers are claiming "severe harassment, emotional and psychological trauma, and reputational harm." I am not unsympathetic to their plight, and believe GirlsDoPorn is on the hook for damages, but I think this went too far. Yes, this clear misrepresentation, but at no point were the ladies held against their will and prevented from leaving the building. In fact, they were lured with the promise of making $5,000 per day shooting. At that point, the women agreed to the shooting. The naked shooting. Their own greed assisted the shooter (a con man). Since the trial, the con man disappeared from the country and shifted assets overseas. This doesn't sound shady at all, does it? Good luck collecting the award.

The defense used my argument, which was rejected due to the coercion tactics of the con man and company. I think seeing lawyers in commercials really helped me in this instance. Unfortunately I won't be entitled to any of the proceeds.

• A man's cleverly-hidden 5.5" horn delayed his cancer diagnosis for years. Yeah, that huge horn growing out of his back must've hidden from him and his doctors.

Whoever you are, whatever your values, recognize the historic importance of this: it is second time the US government's retaliation against *the same whistleblower* has been found equivalent to torture. Telling the truth has become the greatest of crimes.  - Edward Snowden

• the sex toy banned from CES last year is unlike anything ever seen....
• it won an award from CES, then they banned it. Good group, those folks.

More sad news: RIP Neil Innes. Neil did the music for a lot of Monty Python bits and starred in Holy Grail as one of the minstrels. He was also in the aforementioned Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. He died of natural causes at 75.

The man was just plain FUNNY. He wrote funny songs, very well, so he was dear to me. If you haven't seen The Rutles - All You Need is Cash, you should get your posterior to wherever you can find it and see it now. The whole thing is a sendup of the Beatles, including the band members, Barry, Stig, Nasty, and Ron. Aside from being funny, the creation was pure genius. Listen to the songs and if you ignore the words, they could damn well be Beatles songs. That takes some doing (I know).


Today I identify as  the slightly worn "A" key from my keyboard.

More Absurd Stuff [placeholder]

I love this kind of news...
More than 350 ethical hackers got together in cities across Australia on Friday for a hackathon in which they worked to “cyber trace a missing face”, in the first-ever capture the flag event devoted to finding missing persons.



Over on Twitter, there was a post from Space Force (the official account). It was a link to a tv station, with video of something in the sky. The Space Force question was "Aliens or military?"          Very funny, guys.



Dear lefty

• Do you ever miss the huge blogging platform you used to use?
• Do I? Well, I used to get paid via advertising. Now I get paid in satisfaction and nice people. Do the math.

Most Americans don't have a clue what https:// means, according to a Pew survey.     Most Americans don't have a clue what pencils are for.

• Superior IQs are associated with mental and physical disorders, research suggests
• How does that explain me?

No thank you, I'd rather be on the testing team for VIPoo

• My friendly ticket agency emailed to let me know that tickets for Air Supply are now available.
• Do I look old and dead?

When a small child, I thought that success spelled happiness. I was wrong, happiness is like a butterfly which appears and delights us for one brief moment, but soon flits away. ~ Anna Pavlova

Today I identify as  your mama

• I let the dog in the house. In the time it took me to close the door, she was charging through the house, then ran upstairs to see if her mommy was there. Only when Mommy wasn't there was it ok to say hello to me. I could be upset at being a second class human, but I'm leaving it alone.

"Even if you don't like guns and don't want to own them, you benefit from those who do." - Ron Paul

Multiple people were stabbed at a shopping mall in Manchester, UK.
Fortunately there were no fatalities.

If you take away their guns, they stab people.
If you take away their knives, they use chains.
If you take away their chains, they use rocks.
If you take away their rocks, how are you going to take away their fists?



Today's best headline: Effects of acute wild blueberry supplementation on the cognition of children



There are moments that are so ironic, it hurts. You just get done saying something and realize it could have come from your parents' mouths.
We took Mom to Ihop, because dinnertime is the best time for pancakes (except all other times). Strangely, there wasn't a huge crowd. Stranger was the volume level. It was loud. It was mostly coming from the screaming child. The little brat sat there and screeched at random intervals. At one point it was so loud that its mother shusshed it. Mom was voluntarily deaf and tuned out the shrieking little bastard.  You could tell it was bothering me because I would say 2 words, hear a shriek, then wince in pain.

Mom told me that when her children went out in public, they knew to behave. Apparently I was a tiny adult, and I continue to regress as I get older. When the waitress asked if there was anything she could get us, I suggested a muzzle for the darling little shrieker.

As if on cue, 4 from the Taylor Swift Generation sat next to us. That generation runs from about 10 to 15 or so. They proceeded to make more noise than the shrieking child. They got louder as they sat there. They were completely unaware of the effect they were having on everybody else in the restaurant. When the waitress came back, I asked for 4 muzzles this time.

Normally I'd be afraid of sounding like my parents. I don't think so this time... why should an entire restaurant be subject to shrieking children and screaming teens? I know this is Ihop, but we really wanted to enjoy pancakes with less noise than planes taking off. I was assured it's bad form to turn their tables upside down and tell them Satan doesn't like loud children. Ihop started reinforcing their door glass, so it's harder to throw the noisemakers through it. Then the police tell me I'm the bad guy.

Normally I ask for the non screaming children section.

This is why I don't go out a lot.
Even for dishes with purple whipped cream, which is a tie-in for a movie.



California Governor Gavin Newsome (uh-oh) introduced a new law that allows coworkers, employers, and teachers to seek a 'red flag' order against anyone they believe is a threat to themselves or others. If California doesn't want to secede, how about we do it for them?  This law is so extreme, the ACLU is against it, and the ACLU does not like the 2nd Amendment.


Speaking of laws, a criminal dropped his gun, walked out of the house with his hands up, and was shot.  I wonder if the policeman will be red flagged. He was fired.




Heroes of the Stupid

A Kansas schoolgirl was arrested and charged with a felony for brandishing a finger gun. District found liable for not checking the type of ammunition she used.

Man walks 351 miles from Indiana to Wisconsin to meet 14 year old girl for sex. Well, at least he proved he's serious.

Man drives 200 miles to police station with body in car, confesses to killing more.  You have to admire his commitment to justice.

Taco Bell recalled 2.3 million pounds of seasoned beef from restaurants.
FAKE NEWS: that ain't beef, and those aren't restaurants.




SJWs. More.

A Kansas schoolgirl was arrested and charged with a felony for brandishing a finger gun.    It belongs in both categories.




SJW Backfire

Artificial Intelligence models used to flag hate speech online are racist against black people. No, really.

• the tweet “I saw him yesterday” is scored as 6 per cent toxic, but it suddenly skyrockets to 95 per cent for the comment “I saw his ass yesterday”. The word ass may be crude, but when used in that context it’s not aggressive at all.
• maybe we shouldn't be trying to police speech....