Seeking Sister Wife and Dog. Send Picture of Dog.

  

Your love is like  beloved pet taxidermy

I don't wanna kink-shame, but maternity lingerie?

Today I identify as  someone who has fallen asleep at the top of the steps, with their head hanging over the top step. Snoring.

Lord Fauci Steps Down!

GOP Promises to Hold Fauci ‘Accountable’ as He Prepares to Leave Post

why start now? 

the man makes more than the president, as the highest paid in government. It's not difficult to predict a higher-paying job in the private sector. I'm sure Big Pharma has a spot waiting for him...

Let's get right to it. I want to bring you all updates on some of the more difficult personal projects, most just me trying to live without being disturbed too much.

Teams: The day was upon us, with Boss' draconian ruling that everyone take the duct tape off their cameras for meetings.  All in all, I was perfectly fine, not knowing what my coworkers looked like. We build up these images and go with them, unless we're forced to be in the same room. And it was every bit as terrifying as we feared. It was a given that I'd be the ugly one, and it turned out that I had very little competition. Nobody wanted to do this and they were quite right in that. Unfortunately, many years on the job taught me you generally want to obey the boss if you like the job. So in the end, the only happy one was the boss.  Since he already knew me, there were no unfortunate surprises.

While trying to set the program up for video, I discovered those terrible backgrounds. Every one of them made me even uglier. Then I discovered you can make your own. I have one with a Microsoft logo with a red circle and slash through it. I alternate with the MS Blue Screen of Death. I also discovered that when you ignore your parents and slouch in your seat, only your hat or small bits of the top of your head make it onto video. In a week or so, I'll have it adjusted so there's only my hat, like Tim Allen's neighbor. 

So... what other backgrounds do I need? Hmmmm....

• my dog, so it looks like she's laying on my head
• a slaughterhouse
• a poignant scene from WWII
• schoolbuses going off cliffs
• Waterboarding Gone Wild!

As if that weren't enough, I discovered the backgrounds show up backwards. I put up a picture of some guitars and they all looked right handed. Imagine my embarrassment. If you look closely, you'll notice any text is backwards.

After the battle was over, we were counting the wounded. Not a calm nerve in the room. Not a single agreement with Boss. I emailed Boss to take a few days off and told him it was nerves from being on video. He said he was sorry and suggested that as we keep having video meetings, we'd all get used to it. Yeah, that's what they told the assault victims: It only really hurts the first time - you'll get used to it.

I never minded meetings until this.

T-Shirts: Where were we? Oh yeah, after 4 new sets of wifebeaters, I discovered they are all 'ribbed.' I prefer my condoms ribbed, NOT my t-shirts. So I bit the bullet and donated to Jeff Bezos, over at the place that rhymes with Spamazon. Right off the bat, I had to figure out what to put in the search. Even after I figured it out, I knew I'd find some surprises. In the results there were actual wifebeaters, also a nose hair styler, rodent control, adult underwear, and a replacement exhaust system for a Tesla. Most were ribbed (including the Tesla).

Next search: men's sleeveless shirt cotton

Which naturally turned up 50% not cotton shirts.

Some were blends. 

Some were Speedos.

I had no choice but to call in an expert. WIFE - COME HERE, PLEASE.

It's pretty sad when a guy has to call in his wife to help find a t-shirt. To be fair, it was difficult for her too. She went to college and is smarter than me.

When I got everything in my cart, it asked me to log in. I did.

Then it told me there were no items in my cart. sigh 

So I had to remember everything I ordered and where I found it.

And when I went back to my cart, there were two of everything.

To summarize, my trash bags will arrive next day. My shirts will arrive just after it gets cold. The adult underwear will be thrown in 'by accident.'

TV Shows Never Released

Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay

The story of an average dude, trying to come out of the closet, but nobody believes him.

According to this article, NASA will now go full force investigating UFOs.

According to a random count, NASA will be the third agency to do so. Your government at work. This will come as a complete shock to NASA, whose only job as far as UFOs, was to deny they exist, deny that object near the Space Station was anything significant, and to cut off transmissions from Moon missions when they mentioned anything about UFOs. This should be fun.

Next week, the list of government agencies investigating UFOs will include the FDA (without Lord Fauci), the Highway Transportation Safety Agency, and the IRS - because the aliens obviously aren't paying taxes.

Once again, there's an agency, or an amalgam of agencies, that has been studying UFOs since before Roswell in 1947. They know what's going on, but have taken pains to ensure that the world doesn't. They have taken great pains, via obfuscation, disinformation, misinformation, threats, and whatever else. It's quite obvious they're invested in the people maintaining their ignorance. 

Why?

Nobody knows.

There are many guesses

1. Free Energy: they have it and our oil companies won't stand for not making a profit
2. They can blow us to smithereens and there's nothing the governments can do about it
3. They're a diversion, created to put us off the trail of something else
4. We did a deal, where they gave us technology in trade for a blind eye to abducting humans
5. They don't want to be known
6. They have better beer and the brewer lobby has bribed congress

I don't know about you but I'm a big boy and don't need to be 'protected' from the truth. Let's add that the government has no right to hide this. 

My theory is that this is America-centric because whenever there's an incident in another country, American personnel are there quickly. The lion's share of sitings are in the US, but not exclusively.

So right now, we have UFO Theater.

It sits nicely next to Security Theater, via the TSA.

If you're at all interested in the topic, read or YouTube anything by Richard Dolan. He is a meticulous researcher and historian. Do not take my word; do your own investigation and come to your own conclusions.

Today's Happy News 

11 Best Private and Secure Email Services for 2022

Proton.me has a free version, also a VPN

Read the article for some happy information

Internet Service Providers are Logging EVERYTHING You Do Online

If you're having a happy day, be sure to read this. Especially if you're having a really happy day.

Top 10 Secure Browsers That Protect Your Privacy in 2022

It's important to know the why. 

 

Wanna know what Google knows about you?

https://takeout.google.com will download all of it

You're not gonna be happy  

 The other day the dog was outside, looking up. Instead of barking like a loon, she was watching roofers next door. What could possibly be interesting about roofers to a dog? I suggested she check her own roof, but she just stared at me and wagged her tail. This happens a lot, as if to say, "I'm just a dog, Dad, I don't understand what you're saying." She's currently barking at thunder.

Best Headline: Should we be trying to create a circular urine economy?

Finland is bored. Tragically bored. Without scandal or issues or problems. The big news is that the (female) Prime Minister was caught on video, dancing with men and partying down. 

Seriously?

Since we refuse to see anything of import, let's imagine... Joe Biden, dancing with (clothed) women, partying drunk. Better yet, let's not imagine it. But if you think about it, he can do significantly less damage while partying....

The PM also took a drug test. We think Biden would pee clear too. As for the day of the week, we're not so sure.

My mother, now in assisted living for dementia (see Dementia page up top) got the last laugh on us. She gave us some dishes. What we didn't know was they are coated with something that makes them extremely slippery. I just took two hot slices of pizza out of the oven and turned around, causing both slices to slide off the plate and fly to the floor. Even if the food manages not to fly off, the silverware will. It's the perfect ending to a great day at work. WATCH OUT - FLYING FOOD!  Good one, Mom.

Elon Musk, a favorite of this blog, announced the Full-Self Driving software is going up to $15,000 (347 lbs British). Think about this.... updates and features are implemented via software. I wonder if there's any Tesla software to make it explode predictably, instead of randomly. Or hit certain people, as opposed to just children. And hit only certain emergency vehicles, like police instead of fire. I couldn't bring myself to buy one. Or afford one.

Elon said, "Now you can pay three thousand more for something that doesn't work."

Woman cut off boyfriend's penis after he tried to rape 14-year-old daughter, reports say. The Lorena Bobbitt of India caught her boyfriend in the act and went into action. The animal was booked for rape. It is not known if the woman will face charges. Go Lady! 

Berkeley co-op bans WHITE PEOPLE from common areas to 'avoid white violence and presence' and all students trying to sign in are asked to declare their race

Remember when there were signs on businesses that said NO COLORED? It was intolerable racism then, and it's intolerable racism now.

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

So far, one student has been hospitalized for stress, because he's mixed race and couldn't figure out where he's not allowed to go.

Yale professor ripped for helping toddlers with ‘gender journey’

Do college professors come from different planets?

How does a toddler tell a professor he or she is transgendered?

This is child abuse. And it's stupid.

The YouTube video was removed from Yale's page.

Dear parents of students: we can no longer be responsible for the random bulldookey that comes out of the mouths of our professors. It has gotten so far out lately that we simply cannot afford the resources to keep track of them (at only $50k per student per year). In the future, if you hear or see something this ridiculous, just shake your head and say, "Oh, those wacky professors!"

Meanwhile, in other departments at Yale...

• history is taught but there are no white people in it
• science teaches that there are only minority astronauts on the Space Station
• Congress and the president are all black
• Trans babies can be diagnosed in the womb
• 'best man' at weddings should be changed to 'sperm-manufacturing human' or 'best woman.' Or 'best person of color.'

Biden’s new Title IX rules deputize teachers to override parents on gender identity

The state owns your children. Is that ok with you?

#ImpeachBiden 

OCD ASSHOLE

So Wife has OCD, as I've mentioned. I'm a genuine asshole because sometimes I poke her OCD. Just the other day I noticed that the Keurig pod had to be aligned with the writing top-up before the coffee could be made. It's not often she's near me when I make coffee, but you can bet the writing on the pod will be upside down next time.

We have a vertical paper towel holder, repurposed as a toilet paper holder. It fits two rolls and I always pull from the bottom roll first. Sandwiches on long rolls have to be sat 'the right way. Since I don't know what the right way is, I have a 50% chance of screwing it up. And if I don't put it in the right direction, it can't be eaten. Living with me is no vacation either, but I'm a passive nuisance, as opposed to an active nuisance.

The truth is that I am the first to be diagnosed with ROCD - Reverse OCD. When I see something obviously OCD, I have to mess it up. The smartasses among you will say it's just a different version of regular old OCD. My compulsion is to destroy, like some Japanese monster that steps on a city.

'A San Francisco restaurant is run entirely by robots

The restaurant opened a year late because they had to teach the robots to screw up your order, ignore your table, and put things on your check you didn't order. For an extra 10%, the robots will be rude to you. For an extra 50%, the robots will misgender you.

CONCERTS 

Jeff Beck is touring! You should see one of the greatest guitarists ever. He is not playing anywhere near me. We need to have a chat. At very least, look him up on YouTube. It looks like Johnny Depp may be involved. Much as I like Depp, he doesn't appeal to me musically.

Mickey Dolenz (The Monkees) will be appearing at the Retrocon, at the Philly Expo Center, September 27th and 28th. You can get your picture taken with Mickey and the Monkeemobile. It would be really great to ride around in that car. The gas mileage must rival F-35s. Plus you can't see over the blower (or whatever that thing is, sticking out of the hood). There are other dates.

So Far, Yet So Far

Your love is like   diesel exhaust

Woman Sues Landlord, Claims Lease Included ‘Sexual Intercourse' Contract

but she signed the lease.....

Today I identify as  Mao Tse Tse Tung

Ode to a t-shirt that everyone stopped carrying at the same time 

It all started last year. I bought a tank top (t-shirt with no sleeves, wifebeater). It was very helpful in very warm weather. I bought more, naturally in black and blue (my school colors - it was a tough school.).  Since my house tends to eat things, I cannot find a single one of them, and it's been in the 90s for weeks.

Old lefty would demand to take the house apart, in search of the errant shirts. New lefty just shakes his head, sadly, and orders more. They came pretty quickly, all rolled up in a multi-pack. Annnnnnnnd.... they were wrong. I'm a guy so I have trouble speaking about clothing accurately. When I told Wife, I said they were way too tight and springy, plus too small and they looked like corduroy. They had bloody lines going up and down. Mrs. lefty said that's how they are. "That's how they are" is a very bad phrase for me. It gets in the way of what I want and I'm even less pleasant to be around. I informed Mrs. lefty this was not a good answer and she told me what I wanted was cotton shirts. Stupid me - all my shirts are cotton - I foolishly assumed more shirts would be cotton too. Every one I ordered last year was cotton.

We checked a number of big box stores locally, with the same results. WTF - it's just a tank top. Yes, another story about lefty trying to get something pretty simple and finding it impossible. It's my life. It's also why this blog exists. Its all part of my descent into madness, and you have a front row seat. Imagine that.

Mrs. lefty decided to go to the Mart with Walls. I was stunned when she brought out two sets of them! I was lucky! Fate smiled upon me! Oh, wait... one of the packages was exactly like the one I got that was wrong. The other package was a different manufacturer's version of the Wrong Shirt. Logic and air are not the same in my universe. Gravity either, which aids the emotional support elephant (Iqbal).

I had to very carefully phrase my next utterance, lest I wear all ten shirts in a very dark and foul smelling. But.... they all have ribs. That's exactly what I was complaining about. Well, that and they ripped. So both sets have ribs. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough when I walked around the house with the shirt over my head and fell down a flight of steps, screaming about corduroy tank tops. It scared the hell out of the dog. I think, for her own sanity, Wife just ignores me. This seems to happen a lot, especially with people who are not my wife.

Now that I think about it, I have a lot of regular old t-shirts, complete with Funny Shit on them. And when I say a lot, I mean an incredible amount. Almost as many as Wife has shoes (as if that were possible). Anyway, we're getting suited up for a Shirt Safari, as there are none in my dresser. We're not sure where they go. I checked my office, the tall trees in the yard, the car tires, heating ducts, and even the Crisis Room<tm>. Nada. Nope. None. Zip. Zilch. Yet every now and then, they come back in the wash. I look at them and think, "Oh yeah, I remember those." I think the house hides them for a few months at a time, then blips them back to be washed. I probably don't want to know where they went. Maybe they were abducted by aliens. Maybe they were abducted by televangelists. Or congressional committees on laundry. Perhaps they went on vacation, which is kinda sad, because *I* can't afford one.

As I now understand it, with ten shirts in a dark and foul smelling place, the shirts have to be ordered online and have to say 100% cotton. If any local stores want to know why people are taking their business online, they should read this blog. They should read this blog even if they aren't curious. Now I have to give more money to Jeff Bezos. He needs to get more trillions together so he can afford to get divorced again.

We're having stuffed shells for dinner. They're stuffed with cheese. I don't like cheese. The shells have ribs on them. I think someone's mad at me.

Three stores do not have Penny's dog food. It gets more difficult almost daily. Know what happens when you change a dog's diet? Their system goes into BLM Riot Mode, producing all sorts of foul gas and possible diarrhea. Dogs don't even laugh when they fart.

Pope rules out sexual misconduct probe of Canadian cardinal

Of course - gotta protect them pedophiles.

This could be the largest criminal organization on the planet. 

Have you ever seen what childhood sexual abuse does to children?

There is a real issue with laptop hard drives failing when Janet Jackson music is played. You should be safe, because the laptop had to be made around 2005 and have a certain hard drive in it. And you wouldn't be caught dead playing Janet Jackson.

One of my grade school teachers said he graded tests by throwing them down the steps, with each step being a letter grade. Most of us are long out of school, but this method continues, especially at the CDC, which has just released its arbitrary rules for going back-to-school. 

• On Mondays, no masks are required, because the school has been quarantining itself over the weekend. 
• Tuesdays require masks because of Mondays
• On Wednesdays, the cafeteria has mac and cheese
• On Thursdays, everyone must show their vaccination paperz, causing absolutely no school work to get done, sometimes ending in an unexcused absence
• Friday is Fauci Appreciation Day, with assemblies featuring songs, worship, and clowns (not the FDA kind)

Here are two articles on the CDC

1. CDC to regain control of US hospital data after Trump-era seizure, chaos
2. CDC to restructure after COVID failure, “confusing and overwhelming” guidance
3. CDC Clueless

Just got an email from a local venue, announcing the Village People!

I cannot hold my excitement.

If one of them doesn't show up, do they snag some guy off the street in a uniform? 

Rejected Village People members

• parking ticket writer
• mall cop
• nuclear engineer
• IRS agent
• heterosexual
• musician
• Elvis impersonator from India

A Tool That Monitors How Long Kids Are in the Bathroom Is Now in 1,000 American Schools

Every now and then, a draconian tool appears in schools. This is obviously one. It follows the phone trackers. Wait for the chips - they'll be swell.

 

Australian wasps threaten another passenger plane, with help from COVID-19

G'day mate. It would be a real shame if we built a nest in your pitot tubes. Planes, they fall out of the air sometimes. What say you pay us a small fee for protection?

Japan wants young people to drink more alcohol. It's just not sure how to convince them

There are many differences between the Japanese and Americans. This is one. We actively encourage drinking. It's a real social problem. 

The reason for the action is that governmental tax revenue on alcohol is down. They should give them car keys too. Then the tax revenue on towing and morgues would be up also.

There is a video making the rounds featuring pole dancing at a gender reveal party. People are out of their minds.

I am too. People shouldn't be exposed to gender reveal parties. 

It's safe to sleep and go on vacation now, kids. The mystery of half-billion year old creature with no anus is solved!

SPOILER: it's actually in the ecdysozoan group, not deuterostomes.

 

An award-winning photo captures a ‘zombie’ fungus erupting from a fly

Fly insists it's not fungus - it's Bling 

Much Better Looking When You Can't See Me

Your love is like  birthday cake. fuzzy blue birthday cake. with radish icing.

What do you want from me?

-she asked lovingly?

Today I identify as   Gender-Fluid Barbie

I was just noting what a good day I was having. Big mistake. It only took three minutes....

I didn't think my dog was this talented. After all, we didn't get the smart one of the litter, we got the adorable one.

She just somehow managed to get tangled in my keyboard wire. How does a dog, typically a floor-bound quadruped, manage to get tied up in a keyboard wire, typically a desk-bound accessory? I don't know, but I moved the keyboard, because she has one talent - being able to extricate herself from a leash. HA! She yanked, knocking my coffee all over the desk, laptop, keyboard, floor, chair, and most importantly, ME. 

It's been a while since I had to change clothes in the middle of the day. And it had nothing to do with a dog-influenced coffee spill. Let your imagination run wild...

Just in case you have a sliver of a doubt that Jeff Bezos is a genius, Amazon just accused the  FTC of harassing him. Follow along at home...

1. FTC looks into irregularities in Amazon Prime memberships
2. Amazon accuses FTC of harassment

It's bloody brilliant! 

• OJ just accused the legal system of harassing him.
• Johnny Depp accuses Amber Heard of harassing him. (ok, might be true)
• Elon Musk accuses FTC of harassing him, just because his cars spontaneously burst into flames and sometimes hit people and things they shouldn't.
• The Catholic Church accused thousands of little boys of harassing them. 

Yes, we're having a field day here!

Dontcha hate when you go to an auction, buy some suitcases, get home, open them, and find human remains? I know I do. This happened to a New Zealand family recently. They had to be excited, thinking there was anything from air to some odd sort of treasure inside. Well, it certainly was odd. The police thought it was exciting and they're examining the treasure now.

Sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams?

No, robot dog rocket launchers.

not a very attractive dog, but lethal.

rejected projects:

• frogs with frickin' laser beams
• turtles with surface to air missiles
• intercontinental ballistic moose
• the most dangerous ever: cats with nuclear weapons - because Cats Don't Care

The FBI is worried.

Yes, that's right.

Since the FBI targeted Trump, they have received a lot of threats.

One must admire the type of rabid follower who would threaten a three letter agency.

Wait til they find out who, of a certain party, sent the FBI after Trumpie.

no points will be given if you can guess the correct party  

And now it's the CIA's turn: the CIA is being sued for spying on journalists and lawyers when they visited Julian Assange in the Ecuador embassy in London. Isn't it great that the CIA can operate in London? Not that it hasn't been operating overseas AND in the country for years and years....

Next: Terrorists will stage a running protest outside NSA Headquarters

The CIA, which declined to comment on the lawsuit, is prohibited from collecting intelligence on U.S. citizens, although several lawmakers have alleged that the agency maintains a secret repository of Americans' communications data.

There is a certain large furniture concern that's worldwide, known for Swedish design. You can visit the two-floor stores and find all sorts of things. Nothing is in any standard size and you have to put a lot of the large stuff together. The instructions are mostly hieroglyphics and pictograms, with some arrows and bullets, and a few words here and there, in Swahili. While shopping, you can visit the cafeteria and get Swedish meatballs and Mountain Dew, among other things. Now that the company has become woke, you can also buy veggie meatballs, made from parts of the plant you didn't know existed.

Where am I going with this?

Hell if I know.

I'll tell you where I'm going with this. I bought a really cool chair from them. My ex-cat also thought it was cool, so he proceeded to shred the crap out of the cushion. So I want a new cushion, please, if it exists. After checking out their website, I have come to the conclusion that it is actually easier and quicker to drive to one of their stores, in or out of your home state, and tour every square foot of the two floors, than to attempt to get anything at all accomplished on their site. It is obvious that the company decided to abandon all web sales and information, unless you live in a country in which there are none of their stores. You cannot simply look to see if they're still selling the chair or worse, if there are any cushions to be sold. In fact, there seems to be no usable information on the site at all. There is a lot on design and sustainability, but little to nothing on products. They're thinking that trying to find the answer to a single simple question will frustrate you so, that you will get in the car and drive to your local store. Or a store a few states over. In fact, it would be easier and less stressful to get on a plane and fly across the entire country to visit a store on the opposite coast, than try to get anything at all out of their (alleged) online presence. Let me step back a second, so I don't exaggerate: you can certainly tell they are woke from the site... just don't try to order anything or ask a question.

I tried to find out last time I was there, but the person with me had temporarily  abandoned reality and I felt it best to get him home to his mommy, before they tried to hire him. I guess that means I have to gather Wife and Dog for a road trip. Any other store or chain would allow me to order online. Except the store that rhymes with Rye-Key-Uh.

Hallelujah - the first Barbie with hearing aids!

Be honest - you've been waiting and wanting for years, in quiet indignation...

You know, of course, this is merely an early stop on more diverse Barbies: 

• Flying AIDS Barbie
• Dementia Barbie (goes with US president doll) 
• Trans Barbie - formerly Ken
• Crack Whore Barbie, with Barbie's Crack House (sold separately)
• BLM Barbie -  demands free Barbie house, burns it down
• Underrepresented Minority in Business Barbie (with briefcase and SJW Barbie)
• still no left handed Barbie

There was actually an Oreo Barbie, but it quickly got pulled.

Mozilla finds 18 of 25 popular reproductive health apps leak data

I'm shocked. That it's only 18.

Think very carefully before you install any app. Any hardware that uses an app (Fitbit, Roomba) *will* leak. Do you want this data going upstream? Be a geek - firewall your phone.

 

We already know that anti-telephone and text spam laws exempt political spam. The bastards have done it again. Now Gmail filters will pass political spam, so it will go right to your inbox. There is no word on whether constantly marking the spam as spam will help. It's worth a try.  

Your best bet is not to use gmail, because it spies on you, as do the other free emails. Protonmail is free and encrypted.

Department of Extreme Irony

Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla tests positive for Covid, says he is experiencing very mild symptoms

• says the Flying AIDS will only last for 2 days (it will last 7)
• says his company's medicine will cure it, with a 98% rate (rate is 19%)
• says he will quarantine at home (nobody ever comes to see him anyway)
• says he is clear to resume sexual activity  (wife won't touch him without covid)
• says he isn't drawing a salary during quarantine  (lobbying Congress for 3x sick pay)

Man wrestles shark on New York beach in shocking video

Damn, New Yorkers are tough 

Shark was harmless unless agitated

What an incredibly calm and schooled response. Next week, New York City mafia will shoot a flounder, claiming it attacked them. Lobsters will get poisoned because they pinched somebody's nose. Crabs will be underwater mined. Shrimp will go into hiding. The entire seafood industry will be affected... talk about supply chain issues.... New Yorkers will be lined up along the shore with automatic weapons, randomly shooting into the water. Things will get ugly when they 'forget' to aim at the water.

Groundbreaking nasal spray could prevent Alzheimer’s disease and stop epileptic seizures

Actually it doesn't. But if you have Alzheimer's, you don't remember taking it and keep spraying it into your nose. Big Pharma will make a killing (sorry) on this.

First there was women's clothing sizing. It reflected sizes of women.

Then there was Vanity Sizing, to help people think they weren't as large as they were.

Yesterday I saw Acid Trip Sizing. Wife held up two pairs of pants, from the same manufacturer, of the same size. There was a huge difference. 

And if you complain, you're fat-shaming.

 

Ozzy Bites the Head off the Queen

 

The Queen has been asked to honor Black Sabbath for their services to music.

---> Run, Elizabeth, RUN!

Your love is like  Ozzy's headless bird collection

• I may be ugly, but at least I have no filters.

Today I identify as  Elizabeth Warren

Scientists have studied Covid-19, Long Covid, Short Covid, and Covid II - Son of Covid. They announced that after much research, they still have no clue. Big Pharma representatives called foul, saying all the answers are in their expensive, profit-generating vaccinations. The CDC said to either quarantine or not quarantine. The FDA promised the vaccinations are effective, if taken rectally. The good sheep citizens just do what they're told, without realizing that no one has a clue. To this date, people are still wearing masks outdoors. 

Meanwhile, New York City found polio in the sewage system. So don't go swimming in New York City's sewage system, ok?

In other news, I suspect some of my less amusing qualities have returned (invisibility). At the hamfest/flea market, I picked up a bunch of tubes and carried them over to the guy who had the table and waited. And waited. And waited, while he chatted with someone. A quick look showed the guy wasn't buying anything - they were just chatting. And chatting.

And chatting.

Wife stood next to me, not quite as agitated. I like to keep her next to me because I like her, and because she's a good looking female at a hamfest, so she always gets attention. Suffice it to say hams are a bit nerdy and females are scarce as Brits having a spot of coffee. But even this ploy failed to work. The table owner then walked by me to ask a guy plumbing through the tubes if he found what he was looking for. At least he wasn't looking for somebody to pay. I suggested to Wife that the tubes were about to go airborne and I was about to go nuclear. I think about this time he realized I was standing there, a buttload of tubes in my hands, waving wads of cash. A quick look to my side indicated that Wife hadn't pulled down her top, which I considered a good thing. She only does this at guitar shows, when waving wads of cash fails. This actually happened once. Well, the waving of cash did; she remained fully clothed.

Eventually the seller allowed me to pay for my tubes and go on my way, after telling me to email him about some other tubes, at an address I couldn't remember if I had crayons and paper. I'm not asking for sexual favors - just a tiny amount of customer service. I ask for sexual favors when I get home. More accurately, I beg.

• We now face Zeppelin ransomware. If you manage to get infected, it doesn't encrypt your files - it plays "Stairway to Heaven" until you just give up and turn off your computer.
• Epson printers are an example of planned obsolescence. They are designed to run for so long, then shut down completely, advising you it won't work anymore. People are not happy. Lately there's an issue where something happens with ink saturation and the printer tells you "That's all, Folks!" Epson is now referring customers to a utility that will reset the printer. Just don't buy an Epson, or any other printer with 'features' like this.

 

Introduced in the Parkland school shooting was his Google searches, among other online tracks. This is a perfect example of why not to use Google. Google tracks you and keeps records. Had he used Duckduckgo, there would be no record. Plus we all need to use the private tab of our browsers, so all information is purged as soon as the tab is closed. I'm not suggesting we're mass shooters, but we all deserve privacy. The Constitution guarantees us privacy but we are not afforded it.

As for the shooter, the little bastard announced his intentions for quite a while on social media. One video announced the school he would shoot at. Unfortunately we need to remain vigilant and report these people.

A Researcher Jerked Off to Underage Japanese Cartoon Boys and Published His Findings in an Academic Journal

but but... but... the fact checker said everything was accurate, so they published it

But seriously, folks, some of the subject matter would not be published in the US, because it's borderline (animated) kiddie porn.  Jeez [shivers and showers]

Anonymous poop gifting site hacked, customers exposed

this is just cruel. Why would anyone want to mess with such a great service?

"I'm sorry, Sir, we can't send any poop today - we've been hacked."

 I wonder if you can specify the origin of the excretory matter...

Two black holes merged despite being born far apart in space

Astronomers (and Al Sharpton) are outraged and insist that they be referred to as 'holes of color'

Say you're a black teacher in Minneapolis and notice there might be layoffs coming. Don't worry - the union demanded that white teachers be fired first.

Ah yes, more SJW clearly illegal discrimination. Meet the new boss....

If you read the verbiage, it speaks of underrepresented minorities, but the union says "..it’s still a huge move forward for the retention of teachers of color"

Federal regulators are looking into regulating the minimum size of airplane seats. This has left airlines scrambling to make up the revenue loss. Here are some ideas:

• removing the seats and stacking passengers vertically.
• removing the seats and stacking passengers horizontally.
• removing the seats and slicing the passengers thinly
• everybody flies cargo! If it's good enough for pets....
• removing the seats and making the passengers stand, holding the strap, like a bus

The list of cheapest cellular data by country is out, and the US didn't make the top 200. Shocking.  I pay an obscene amount of money for a tiny plan.

The Boss hath decreed we must use the video portion of the Microsoft Teams program. I already did: I used Teams to turn off the video. Apparently this was not good enough. Internal laptop cameras are a security problem and should remain covered at all times (even Lord Zuck covers his), so this order is confusing. Then there's the fact that I'm ugly. Non--photogenic. Unpleasant to look at. Not in the queue for the cover of GQ. Not quite a monster, but people need to be protected. Somewhat incredibly shy of Brad Pitt. Picked just before the fat kid, if I wasn't the fat kid already. Even Mom insists on no video calls. Plus there's my unfortunate hobby habit of falling asleep at work. 

So just like my campaign not to be forced to use an iDevice for work, I offered to produce a doctor's note. Or a religious exemption, because it will steal my soul. Or an exemption because I might make others ill. Like the iDevice, my boss ain't buyin' it (although he's amused at my attempts). Not even a note from my mother will suffice. 

I was thinking about opening the laptop and snipping the videocam wires, but they'd only insist I fill out a ticket, which would result in a new laptop. When Wife and I were discussing children, I almost opened up and snipped...

I tested it out today and things were worse than I feared. I was even more ugly. They say the camera adds ten pounds (20 litres UK), but instead, it adds 20 Ugly Points. I've seen myself in mirrors (that haven't cracked yet) and I can't believe I look worse in Teams. Naturally I blame Microsoft, because Teams is theirs, and they can't even screw up correctly. Of course if I were even slightly attractive, this would be much less of a problem. Now I have to blame my parents, which won't help because of dead dads and a somewhat demented mom. And don't tell me I didn't get anything from my stepfather: I gave him kidney stones. Not that blaming them would help anyway... what are they going to do - wave a magic wand and make me good looking? I don't want to be good looking, just partially. Not ugly maybe. Good looking comes with its own baggage. There would be women after me all the time. It would be horrible. No, not horrible, what's that other word? Oh yeah, fun. Then I'd have to wonder if people liked me for my stunningly bright personality or my looks. If I were famous, people would all call me sexy. There's something about fame and fortune that makes women weak in the knees. We've already established how popular I am with gay men, for whatever reason. So all in all, I'd like a 17.5% improvement in looks and an exemption from having to appear on video (or in person) at work.

• It's 4:30 and Wife hasn't appeared from sleep yet. Should I have lunch now?

Apparently one of the local churches is bothered by what's going on in their parking lot. Quite frankly, I don't know why they're upset about 10-23 local business trucks, 43 neighbors, several full size RVs, 13 abandoned cars, a couple of stalls selling pr0n, and several arrests for Real Protestant Prostitutes. This sort of thing happens in every church lot, doesn't it?

This was the same church where I had the Horrible Hair-ist Happening...

Her: HI, how are you?

Me: Good.

Her: Do you ride a motorcycle?

Me: Not that I know of, why?

Her: Oh, we have a Motorcycles for Jesus group

Me: Aw, that's nice. Thank you anyway.

Just because I have long hair, I ride a motorcycle, do drugs, have tattoos, and go to church? Now I know what it feels like to be an African American. 

I should have told her that's my Sewing for Satan night.

In Florida (you know this is going to be good) a man is in jail. In fact, many men are in jail. This particular 53 year old was eating at Burger King, not currently a felony, when he became upset with his girlfriend. He hit her with a burger, causing her to fall over a curb onto the ground.

This one is going to tie up the courts worse than O.J.

It's been many years since I've been inside a Burger King, but I'm going to side with the man. There is nothing of any value in one of their burgers, but at the same time, there is nothing solid and heavy enough in their burgers to cause someone to fall over a curb onto the ground.

Maybe this is one of those slip and fall cases that causes salivating on the part of every lawyer who advertises on tv or has ever smelled ambulance exhaust fumes. She's a klutz but won't take any responsibility for her own fall (sound familiar?). The real fun will come during the trial, when the defense team brings out the visual aids. They will line up 25 burgers and one of the lawyers will hit another lawyer with the burgers, one at a time, proving that the burger isn't substantial enough to cause movement or trippage (I just made that word up, like it?). They will bring in expert witnesses from McDonald's, Wendys, and some celebrity chefs to testify on the ballistic properties of burgers. Gordon Ramsay will personally curse at the burgers. Chef Paul will be exhumed to testify. The prosecution will put forth a theory that an employee at Burger King inserted a very heavy metal plate into the burger, causing the damage to the girlfriend. 

Being Florida, the case will end in a hung jury, because they can't make any sense of it, although they kept asking for video of the lawyer throwing burgers at the other lawyer. This video will go immediately to #1 on YouTube and CourtTV. After the verdict, both sides will engage in a BURGER FIGHT! One of the jurors will attempt to eat a burger and will require urgent medical help. She will sue and break the case because 'lettuce has iron in it' and iron is heavy and that's what caused the damage.

The defendant will want a total separation, but the plaintiff will cry openly, pleading, "But I love him...."

Meanwhile, CourtTV reports that O.J. still has not found the 'real killer.'

*If you think I'm making stuff up about visual aids in court, my imaginary little scenario wouldn't hold a candle to one I watched a few weeks ago. A woman allegedly stabbed her husband in bed. The prosecutor had her actual bed brought into the courtroom. She had another attorney lay on it, then got up on top of him with a knife, swinging away. It looked like Knife Sex. That poor attorney couldn't get up off the bed for 30 minutes, due to a strange lump in his pants that wasn't there before he got on the bed. 

Morning Late in the Afternoon

Your love is like   green eggs and spam

So, Trump's in trouble again.

Today I identify as  the only "offensive" street sign in California that hasn't been changed

Respected snake researcher dies from rattlesnake bite

No one saw it coming....

Why Are People Moving Out of California?

They hit their heads on the renamed politically correct street signs and experienced a moment of clarity?

• When are the supply chain issues going to end? 

Conspiracy Theories and Uncertainty About Monkeypox Are Spreading Really, Really Fast

Let's clear our heads for a moment and think about what happened with the Flying AIDS, then wonder why there are conspiracy theories. It doesn't seem that far out to me...

So I was sleeping, kinda. I got up for a moment and cursed the guy next door, who was pounding on something. I wondered how early it was and how he had the nerve to be making that kind of racket on a Sunday.  Looking at my watch, I grumbled because he was banging in the morning at 2:30pm. Oh. It was entirely possible I needed some sleep the previous night. They call it a sleep deficit. Of course it's a sleep deficit; it can spend some quality time with my house deficit, car deficit, sex deficit, and financial deficit. It's a life of deficits, as some annoying old man said hundreds of years ago. Wife celebrated by falling out of bed. She doesn't drink either.

So at 2:30, I came to the stunning realization that Wife didn't set her alarm for early, so we could visit one of those 'quaint' little towns in the morning. I asked, but she was too busy falling out of bed to answer. I suddenly realized what a tremendous idea she had. No one bothers you for anything when you fall out of bed. I could make a career out of it, but I fear the floor isn't padded well enough to protect my body after a few tries. I could get one of those Traumatic Ass Injuries. Plus I think she doesn't like setting her alarm because then she'll have to wake me. This is an activity best performed from across the street. Or across the state. I am not pleasant when awakened. Come to think of it, I am not pleasant.

After falling out of bed lost its steam and became boring, I left the bed, in search of coffee. The bed is a bad place to get coffee, kind of like the basement. Since I haven't gotten my Coffee-to-the-Desktop app going, I'm limited to the general area of the coffeemaker. After making myself a proper cup of brown gold, I found the effort taxing and was ready for my first nap of the day. This is what weekends are for. Weekdays too, as soon as I get my boss to approve it.  

It's a beautiful day out, with nice summer temperatures (it's not 90). We have lots of sunlight left, so it's good napping weather. Since I'm awake, the neighbor has stopped pounding on whatever he was pounding on. If we go by the obvious clues, he purchased the house to wake me up. It gets listed as a skill on his resume.

I heroically decided to push through the tired and find something to do. When not napping, sitting is good, so off I went. Unfortunately that was the end of my ideas of what to do, so I needed something that required little awakeness, thought, or effort. That's why I'm typing this now. Unfortunately, sitting is usually a prelude to getting tired, requiring a nap. I am unsure if this counts as my second nap or first nap, even though I didn't avail myself of the first one. I couldn't spend any more time on this kind of frivolity, so I figured it would solve itself during the nap sometime.  After a few well-had naps, it turned out to be 6:00. 6:00 is one of those times. It occurs every day at the same time. To some it's dinner time. In our case, we both sat there, staring at each other, inquiring what we were having for breakfast. No, it's not dinner just because it's 6:00. It's my first meal of the day, so it's breakfast - sue me.

Wife asked me what time to set her alarm for tomorrow morning. I smell a trap.

No, they're absolutely not tracking you

• Facebook’s In-app Browser on iOS Tracks ‘Anything You Do on Any Website’

 

• Facebook can track your Internet history and credit card number on other websites

 

• Data brokers amass profiles of pregnant women – and, of course, it's all up for sale

 

• GM Makes $1,500 OnStar Subscription Mandatory on GMC, Buick, Cadillac Models

 

• Amazon’s Roomba Deal Is Really About Mapping Your Home

           (told you so... now Bloomberg agrees)

 

• 'Ring Nation' Is Amazon's Reality Show for Our Surveillance Dystopia

There are two kinds of people; men and women.

No, there are four kinds of people; men, women, now, and eventually.

I'm a man and a now.

Wife is a woman (really!) and an eventually. It is safe to say that if we had a fire, she would take so long to get ready, she wouldn't make it out.

This can best be illustrated by the simple act of getting out of the car.

We went to a hamfest, which is an electronic flea market, concentrating on amateur radio. This is fun for me, even if I can't explain why. I park, open the door, and head straight for the tables. This is also what happens at restaurants. It is not so simple for Wife. Wife is not a girly girl, so none of this involves makeup or hair manipulation.

Park. Step out. Close door. Let's ROCK!

She is still in her seat.

Gets tangled in seatbelt. 

Does things with pocketbook.

Looks for stuff.

"Can you open the trunk?"

Yes, Dear, now that I've locked the door, let me unlock it and open the trunk.

Does more things with pocketbook.

Fills out raffle ticket for tomorrow, after intense search for pen.

Steps out door.

Remembers something else she needs.

At this point, I'm tired of idling and moving toward agitated.

What do you need in the trunk? 

"A bag, in case we buy anything."

Smart.

"I wonder if I should bring the black mesh one. The flowery one is bigger. I really like the blue one with elephants in a barbershop quartet."

JUST GRAB A BAG 

"Oh, I called my mom yesterday. She said...."

Can we please get moving? 

"Oh, sorry. But just let me tell you this."

NO. 

"Mom said my sister is visiting for the summer. Isn't that something?"

Oh yeah, it's something alright. I just don't know WHAT 

"What are we doing for dinner?"

Is there any way we can move this along a bit? The flea market closes in four hours and I wanted to see a few tables.... 

"Oh, sorry. I'm thirsty."

Didn't you bring your water bottle? 

"I forgot."

Anything else? 

"I have to go to the bathroom."

I told all of you to go before we left. 

"I'll go to the building and look for one."

Why are we standing here, outside the building? 

"I need a cigarette."

My entire fscking life is run by cigarettes and I don't even smoke. 

"Where can I get a soda?"

At home, or one of the 37 convenience stores we passed on the way here. How about that coffee we stopped for?

"I want soda."

Of course you do.

"Ooh, did you see her earrings?"

No, I don't track earrings. I was looking at her breasts.

"I'll bet you were."

Hey, don't get on my case - I'm a Subject Matter Expert.

"I'm going to ask her about the earrings."

You better hurry up - the hamfest just closed and everybody's packed up. Maybe next time we should arrive two hours in advance, so we can see something. Anything at all. Or we could save a lot of gas by not going. 

Me: now.  She: eventually.

If I ‘Had a Penis’ I’d Be President
Elizabeth Warren slams disgusting misogyny of Democratic voters

I call fake news. Warren could just identify as a penis.

 

CDC no longer gently recommends COVID precautions most weren’t following anyway

Unvaccinated people no longer need to quarantine and physical distancing is de-emphasized.

They. Have. No. Fscking. Idea.

Dad restrains woman who stripped to underwear and tried to storm Jet2 cockpit - twice, yelling 'Allahu Akbar'

It turns out that this is the new in-flight entertainment. If the woman is attractive, they let her into the cockpit.

Knife-wielding muslim attacks Salman Rushdie, ruins eye, puts him on ventilator.

This is your brain on religion

 It's bad enough we're stuck with Old Joe; Nancy Pelosi is 82. In 2018, she promised not to run again for House dem leader, but forgot and is running again. Dementia? Nah, naked political greed.

Study claims doctors aren’t warning young women about the dangers of anal intercourse

study also finds doctors aren't telling young women how much fun it is

A walrus, a protected species, was euthanized in Oslo because they couldn't guarantee the safety of people, who wouldn't stop coming up to her, sometimes taking pictures, sometimes with children.

Why didn't they just euthanize the people?

We're a sad species.

So I picked on Alice Cooper for golfing. His stories about interactions with other famous people are hilarious. Elvis, Raquel Welch, Peter Sellers, Mae West, and more.

 

At Some Point You Have to Ask, is Cockroach Sexing for Me?

 

Your love is like  really really old seafood, left in the car for weeks

You also have to ask that if you have dyslexia, is blowing right for me. Errr... bowling.

Today I identify as  a 65 year old man who just discovered he's a woman. or a tarantula.

The dog has developed a taste for those Goeth caramels, with the white cream in the center. It's nice to see the child takes after me with sweets. The thing is, she's been carrying the same one around for a couple of days. This morning she had it hidden under a bedsheet and only took it out when she left the bed. I've seen her get the wrapping off candy before, but she's not doing that. I guess this is better than watching her carry around a pizza crust for a few days...

We didn't get the smartest puppy in the litter; we got the prettiest one.

Tesla has managed to stay out of the line of fire, but they're back today:

Tesla Full Self-Driving fails to notice child-sized objects in testing

I wonder what the Supreme Court will say about post-birth abortion 

It also fails to notice stop signs, bicycles, McDonalds, and any flat road.

Don't take my fascination with the hilarity that exploding cars bring; I'm a fan of Musk. He's a bright and funny guy.

 

Everything you need to know about the monkeypox health emergency

1. when does emergency turn into pandemic?
2. is anyone waking Fauci?
3. will Big Pharma claim highly exaggerated efficacy while sucking up highly effective profits?
4. how many livelihoods will be lost this time?
5. are state governors unimpeachable? They are if nobody tries. #ImpeachWolf

Teen’s jailing shows exactly how Facebook will help anti-abortion states

This story is fraught with so many issues, I'm not sure the title is accurate. But I'm putting it here to show what's coming. It reinforces that nothing you do is private, especially online, especially on Faceyspaces. The child should have gone old school and talked with her mother in person [ACK!]

I was immediately horrified that a state was investigating an 'illegal' abortion, but their claim is that this was before the Supreme Court's decision and they were investigating a chemical abortion post the legal time for it, plus a burned and buried corpse.

It's getting ugly, folks.

Domino's has pulled out of Italy.

Of course they did.... they couldn't make any money when Italy told them they can't refer to their product as pizza. It's like McDonald's in Texas, next to the meat packing plants. It's currently referred to as American Pizza, which runs the danger of Italy cutting off all relations with the US.

We tried to interview Italians, but couldn't find any who could stop laughing long enough to speak.

My state legislator just sent me an email about all the great things he accomplished this session. I'm smart enough not to read it, as it will anger me greatly and I'll spend the rest of the week being nasty to my dog.

 

It turns out spiders have REM-like sleep and may even dream.

Do you ever wonder what a nightmare looks like to a spider? Waking up to find a human in its bed? I know several of my nightmares involve REM, but that's a different story entirely...

It also makes you wonder how they came about this information and the cast iron balls of the researchers.

It is often said that you should take all opportunities, so on your deathbed, you won't say you regretted not doing something.

Thinking about it, some will regret not doing anything.

Some will be so embarrassed, they'll be looking forward to whatever comes next.

Some will regret nothing.

Some will be so happy to go, to the sweet release of death.

Many will wish for a do-over, possibly starting at the current age and working back.

I think I'll regret not being a rock star, and spending too much time holding down the couch. You never know what they'll get up to. It would take way too much time to regret the things I never did.

If you have a significant other or spouse, have you ever thought about who would go first?

And what happens after you die? A small question.

Do all dogs really go to heaven?

Lemmy's last words to Ozzy were

‘I could have lived a lot longer and taken care of myself, but I lived my life the way I want to live and I ain’t got no regrets’.

You don't hear this often. Hats off to Lemmy, who did it his way all the way.

What do you think you'll think on your deathbed?

Do you have a particular bed picked out or will it be after you're ejected from a car (or a plane)?

The FDA has approved a video game for treatment of ADHD.

It's been shown to work.

Dammit, I wish I didn't hate video games....

Look - birds!

Big Brother (oops - Big Sibling)

The danger of license plate readers in post-Roe America

Even the parking agencies use them. Like social media, it's the government and business that profit from your information. And your privacy.

The Environment 

Weed Killer Glyphosate Found in Most Americans' Urine

You know it as the main ingredient in Roundup, the weed killer. From Monsanto - no surprise. Either Cheney or Rumsfeld was at Monsanto.

You know you're in trouble when even urine is not safe to drink

Rainwater Everywhere Now Considered Too Toxic for Safe Consumption, Study Finds 

Hazardous pollutants known as perfluoroalkyl and polyfluoroalkyl substances (PFAS), which are sometimes called “forever chemicals” because they break down so slowly over time, are present at such elevated levels in environments around the world that scientists believe the ubiquitous contamination has now exceeded a safe planetary boundary, reports a new study.

Wow, we're killing ourselves rapidly on the planet, plus we're making a mess off-planet with space debris and killer satellites. If there are aliens, they definitely want to quarantine us on Earth, lest we turn the galaxy into a space trash ad for the Military Industrial Complex.

It's amazing, the things we're wired to do. A lot of it is tied to reproduction. Women look at well-built guys and guys look at huge breasts for suitability for breeding (he will give me strongest babies and defend us/she will have plenty of milk to feed the babies and birthing hips). So I see the bizarre trend of humongous asses and huge, fake breasts and wonder. Yes, it's tied to reproduction. The funny part is that I like petite women, breast size unimportant, so long as she has an even number of them. I also don't want children. Coincidence? 

You should thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I don't reproduce.

 

China's Xiaomi teases tech to control smart homes with brain waves

Unfortunately, you'll still need a controller, sorry.

Relocated beavers helped mitigate some effects of climate change

Honey, we need to relocate your

 Are you just tired of the sheeplike output from Hollywood? Do you resent a mortgage payment to see it? You're going to love this: there's a live-action Pac-Man movie in the works. If this generates profits, there will naturally be a Pac-Man2. Then there will be squawking from Hollywood to make a Mrs. Pac-Man, because Patriarchy. Next on the hit parade will be live-action Mickey Mouse, Pepe le Pew (in smell-a-vision), and Bugs Bunny, featuring Wile E Coyote in real life thousand foot drops. Nobody gets hurt.

In a move you'd expect from Amazon, UPS denied a driver's request for a fan, in dangerous heat. Apparently they already denied his request for air conditioning in the truck.

UPS said the incident "should never have occurred."  Agreed.

Further, UPS is very sorry (for getting caught). They will do everything within their power to see that this never happens again (they don't get caught again). Meanwhile, approval has been granted for a paper towel, upon request.

President Biden's approval rating is at 40%, the highest in months. When informed, Biden said, "That's good, right? It's better than half!"

This Maine Coon cat is Big Pussy

look at the SIZE of that thing....

Bruce Springsteen is against corporate greed, unless it's his ticket prices

If Springsteen and Seinfeld were in a sinking boat and you could only save one, which would it be?

The oars are your best bet - they're made out of sturdy wood. 

About the military's F-35F-35 Stealth planes.

Turns out they were made by Tesla. Most are all being recalled due to faulty ejector seats. They won't necessarily eject when asked politely.

I kid: if they were made by Tesla, they would eject pilots randomly.

This plane is hideously expensive and had a very difficult time being ready for use. But that's ok, it's only money, going to the Military Industrial Complex.

 

Not While You're Under My House You Won't

 

Your love is like  very old escargot

No, really, it's a small electric device that you stick up your nose to trim your nose hair. Yeah, I guess it could be used as a small vibrator too, provided you're very careful....

Today I identify as right handed

Sometimes I'm glad that I'm a lefty guitar player, and a picky one at that. If I were a righty, I could buy tons of guitars everywhere I went. So I'm limited by stock, availability, and pickiness. Otherwise I'd be broke from guitar buying, as opposed to healthcare, groceries, vacuums, and hamster pr0n.

You know what's great about being a (pretend) adult?

1. Yoo Hoo juice boxes for breakfast
2. ice cream for dinner
3. you only have to pretend to be an adult every so often
4. you can download hamster pr0n and have nobody to blame but yourself when you 'forget' to sleep
5. you can drive as fast as you want, and don't have to wear seatbelts, unless your stupid car beeps at you. It beeps at the dog too.

On the other hand....

1. you have to go shopping.... sometimes at CostCo
2. you can't stay home from funerals/weddings (same thing) as much
3. taxes
4. Wife hasn't learned to kiss it and make it better
5. when you're bleeding out and there are no bandages, it's your own damn fault

NASA to send prototype robot surgeon into space

Research is being funded for a 2024 launch.

I foresee problems:

• surgeon returns to Earth when it discovers there are no golf courses in space
• cost to operate rises yearly, with no hope in sight
• Obamacare won't pay for it
• with up to four occupants in the ISS at a time, it's still 3 hours late
• even though programmed by normies, it still speaks over the heads of the astronauts
• no matter how they tried, they couldn't program in a personality

Researchers built a bartending robot that could engage in personalized interactions with humans

What'll it be?

gimme a beer 

We have 243 different kinds. Can you be more specific?

with a screw top 

One Bud Lite, coming up. Sir, what's the point in squirrel piss lite?

I'm countin my calories 

I think you'd do better laying off the fast food and candy, then you could enjoy regular old squirrel piss.

Gee, thanks. 

Sir, you look upset. Women trouble?

How did you know?

I may look like a psychic, but without women troubles, bars across the world would close. What's up with you?

She spends all her time sniping and yelling at me

I see. What else?

the boom boom has dried up

mmmmmm... anything else?

She never wants to go anywhere with me 

Ah, I see. Sir, you have what we long-time bartenders call marriage. There's no reason to feel so glum. It's like that for everybody. And if they say it's not, they're lying.

wow... this is normal? 

Yes

that puts a whole new spin on things

63.7% of marriages end in divorce. 63.8% of Philly drivers don't have insurance.

you don't say

I did say, do you not listen? How's your job?

sucks, but there's no real change there, in the industry

I have a tip for you: buy chips stocks. And bartender robot stocks.

what's really getting to me lately is that there's no left handed history month

Yes, that gets to 10-11% of the population.

ideas? Yer pretty smart.

No, you're fscked. Nobody really cares about you. If you had a way to make everybody feel guilty, you'd have real power. But you're fscked. See that game last night?

don't even go there. I lost big. Did you know there was an AI bot let loose on Twitter and within two weeks, it turned into a racist nazi?

I can read, you wop.

how do you know I'm Italian?

Your wife's mustache. Belgium.

Belgium?

Belgium.

Say - who do you think you are, saying Belgium to a customer? I have half a mind to talk to your boss.

You have half a mind, period. Plus, if you think I'm an asshole, wait til you meet him.

So there might be a little tuning required.

 

Qantas asks executives to work as baggage handlers for three months

This is due to a labor shortage. There was no mention of whether or not they'd receive baggage handler salaries. 

But this is a pretty good idea regardless, especially for the executives that did not come up through the ranks (oh, more or less, approximately, just about, all of them). All executives need humility, assuming they don't come equipped with it (they don't). This exercise also provides working knowledge of the operations, to allow better decisions (how to cut costs so executives get bigger raises and parachutes). To have face-to-face encounters with customers - the lifeblood of the company (and go screaming back to their offices, cuz people are the worst of the worst). 

• Johnson - I said no ties. This is the second time you got yours caught in the luggage belt.
• Yes, if you hurt in a certain place, get a doctor's note and a truss.
• Smith - stop opening the suitcases and looking for goodies. That's the TSA's job.
• No, it's not catered.
• No, the baggage handlers do not have two hour liquid lunches. Or hot assistants. Where do you come up with this stuff?
• No, you cannot hire somebody to do your janitorial job.
• It is considered bad form to take a call while holding up the lights to steer the plane.
• You do NOT line up the baggage mover with the plane and point it at the ground, to watch all the suitcases crash (where anyone can see you).

lefty outs himself 

I am a lesbian; I like to sleep with women.

if you're Italian or have good taste, you might want to skip this....

I have had lasagna from all over the place, all the way down to frozen. My favorite is frozen Stouffers. I can hear the collective sighs and BOOs. It's just that... to be honest, I don't like much. I definitely don't like most cheese. The stuff they put in their lasagna is mild and inoffensive. I'd rather not have sausage - just beef-like substance. If someone would go to the considerable trouble to make me fresh lasagna, I'd disappoint them horribly and feel terrible. Mrs. lefty eats 45 cheese alfredo. I scream and run. She eats XXX parmesan. I have to make sure it doesn't get within 6' of my food. It doesn't matter, because the wind will blow it right onto me, making my food inedible. I call it sock cheese because it smells like it was marinated in used socks, with old fish. The odd thing is the dog will eat it. I'm always the odd man out. Or just the odd man.

You might not know this, but I have temporary control of the weather.

No, really.

When we're out walking, her cigarette smoke will always blow in my direction. If I walk to the other side of her, the wind will blow the other way. This was verified by a group of people who verify this sort of thing. They walk around with expensive equipment to see which way the wind is blowing. I asked why they need expensive equipment, when they can plainly see the smoke always travels the most efficient route to my nose. Although I do like having these people around me, with their instruments, because it makes me look impotent. Important. Something.

--> Awwww... RIP Olivia Newton-John - Australia's sweetheart

Broadcast tv (and radio) is dead, but nobody has thought to bury it yet.

This has been driven home by Cleopatra. How, you ask, does a great historical figure affect something thousands of years in the future? It's the bleeding movie with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. It goes on for hours and hours. And hours. And then some hours. This is not an exaggeration... it's a lonnnnng film, made longer by actually having to watch it. While even I can appreciate the acting, I can't appreciate it longer than about an hour at a time. Unfortunately I live with someone who can watch it daily, and the tv networks oblige her by airing it daily. This is the same network. So I'm sitting there, minding my own business, ripping the hearts out of romaine, and I ask what we were going to watch. When she says "Cleopatra," I shake my head, while visions of napping sail around my head. I could tell her I was going to sleep, mow, or cheat, and she wouldn't notice. The problem is that she only sees bits of it at a time, because her buttocks do not stay attached to the sofa cushions for more than five minutes at a time. So she tells me she misses parts of it and has to 'watch' it again. Since she's a lot smarter than me, it might be a plot to get me to do housework, rather than be a party to yet another screening of the half-day-long theatrical extravaganza. 

Smart she is. The other day I replaced some overhead lights older than me. There was only one guy in the store that sounds like Rome Depot that even knew what I was talking about. And he was likely to retire because old age and senility were setting in. You see, my house was put together by drunk monkeys, that firmly did not believe in standards. While 18" (3 grams Canadian) is the standard space between studs, it was treated as more of a loose guideline. Fortunately we located a replacement kit that looked like it would fit, plus Rome Depot has a liberal return policy, according to Wife. I told her we're not liberals, but she said we were continuing, undaunted. The only problem, as I saw it, was that the light kits had to be installed. This is a problem that has repeatedly raised its ugly head since we moved in.  As if that weren't enough, the kit had the wrong electrical connector (of course), necessitating yet another trip to the Depot. Never having even supervised the installation of such a major piece of construction, I started to get nervous when I saw the 6" kit was for 5" or 6". How can 5" = 6", unless it's a guy talking about his junk? 

You cannot buy incandescent light kits anymore - they're all LED. 99% of them require a separate power box to be installed. If I have to stand on a ladder and put something in the ceiling, I'm not doing extra work. Fortunately we found the single unit that didn't require a power box. Do you know some of these kits come with remote controls so you can change colors of the lights or make them blink so they cause seizures in epileptics? I couldn't bear a light with a remote control, but we got one with six settings. What does this mean? It says something about warmth. Since LEDS don't have much warmth, I checked the manual. The smart manual writers, just like me, have no clue about light warmth, so they simply told everyone how to switch the warmth, of which there were about 35 settings.  I asked Wife, who admitted roughly the same amount of knowledge on light warmth as the manual writers (none). Being from Texas, I just went with the biggest setting, cuz everything's bigger (and brighter, apparently) in Texas.

I was pretty damn proud of myself. It wasn't falling out of the ceiling, and I only had two or three wires left over, plus a bunch of hardware that looked kinda irrelevant. The real shock came when I turned it on: it was damn bright. I was beside myself, which is a very strange thing to see. Mrs. lefty was beyond words, which is a once in a lifetime event. When she recovered, she went over the installation again, to make sure I didn't have other people come in to install it for me. Satisfied that I actually did something the job, she proceeded to shower me with praise. Because you have to provide positive feedback when your child performs a task, so they'll do it again next time. I hear there's a party being planned for me. The only problem is that I'm both antisocial and introverted, so I hate parties. I suggested another guitar instead - after all, it's been two whole years since the last one. 

There's only one more fixture to replace.

And trash to take out.

And mowing.

And some light in the basement, which we haven't actually seen since we moved in; Jimmy Hoffa is buried there.

Almost every Ferrari sold since 2005 is being recalled

Apparently they were terribly jealous of Tesla and wanted to make a real splash. Unfortunately it's only possible brake failure.

 Serena Williams may be retiring from tennis after the US Open

Needs to keep exercising or her thighs will go from the size of telephone poles to merely huge.

Question Time 

Burger King just sent spam receipts to customers

The question is not about who sent the emails, the question is why Burger King has your email address.

California accuses Tesla of false advertising over Autopilot

it very plainly states it's an assist, not an auto-driver

 

Umm.. both of these issues could have been avoided with common sense and personal responsibility, which the legal system has been trying to stamp out for hundreds of years. If you don't give your email address to Burger King and don't use Autopilot to drive your car by itself, the point would be moot. It's not like there haven't been any articles about Teslas hitting things (or exploding). If you're gonna spend north of 50 grand for something, you might want to take a minute to RTFM (read the manual).

It's not that we don't learn, it's that we won't learn. Look at the number of people who think Windows is the only operating system and their computers won't function without it. Look at the people who click on everything. Who give up privacy and security without a thought.