Don't Use the Trackpad - Use the Nipple!

For reasons I don't understand, our power grid is connected to the internet.
It follows that there were and will be hacks. Think about this... hacking the US (or local) power grid.

A "cyber event" interrupted grid operations in parts of the western United States last month, according to a cryptic report posted by the Department of Energy.

• It's not a heart attack - it's a cardiac event.

Dear lefty:

• What is this pain in my midsection?
• Mommmmm.... Billy got his penis stuck in the vacuum again

The Doobie Brothers, who have been around forever, have never been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. This may be because there's no room after Tupac and Janet Jackson.

• While testing for chemicals in rivers, shrimp were found to have traces of cocaine and ketamine.
• how do you snort shrimp?

If you're ever upset about being bored or complacent with life, remember the guy whose doctor found a live spider spinning web in his ear.

• A Maryland man was arrested after attempting to have sexual relations with a horse. Like many women, the horse was disappointed.

Those great humanitarians in Brunai have decided they won't enforce the stoning til death policy for homosexuals. Said the Sultan for Ways to Kill the Gays, "Perhaps we can stone them, but just not to death. That's fair, right?"

• All hail: the Royal Couple has shot out a baby. In the US, it's a celebration for some, but not quite like the UK, where people are really excited. Pageantry Time!
• My British reader is going to kill me.
• There are oddsmakers working on baby names and 24 hour news coverage
• Have they nothing better to do? (asks the guy from the land of the Kardashians)
• The UK news is out of its mind over a name for the baby and the fact that the father held the baby in front of the press. And his nose. No word yet on the Royal Poop Schedule.
• Thorough name analysis, once announced.
• The baby's name is Vice-Poopus Jugears Archibald Silly Hat Better Than You Hyphen-Hyphen

Is that an alligator in your pants or are you happy to see me?

During a Florida (of course) traffic stop, a woman pulled an alligator from her pants.  I told you women have teeth down there....

While we're in Florida, a man was charged with DUI after hitting a police car with his lawn tractor. It's ok though - he claims the police tainted his blood with cocaine.  Small wonder we pay so much in taxes.

• A North Carolina (note: not Florida) woman was arrested after appearing at CIA headquarters four times and asking for Agent Penis.
• Agent Penis says it's really hard being him.

Tragic irony:

A British soldier was killed during anti-poaching operations in Malawi. By an elephant.

Transvaginal Mesh

McDonalds salads have more calories than their Big Mac. What did I tell you about rabbit food?

• Coldplay is honored to play at the Superbowl but they 'know nothing about football'  Or music.

RIP Edgar Mitchell (85), Apollo 14, 6th man to walk on the moon. Lived a very interesting and productive life post-moon.

• A Temple University professor has stated that listing gender on official forms is nonsensical. I dunno - have you seen some of their students?

I just heard someone say 'Awesome Sauce'. When I'm president, that phrase will get you 6 years in jail.

• And speaking of the death penalty, if I hear the words Superbowl, Coldplay, Beyonce, halftime, or commercials....

Today in Upside Down World, a Chicago cop is suing the family of a teenager he fatally shot for $10 million, claiming emotional distress. You simply cannot make this shit up.

Continuing the theme, California has issued 605,000 drivers licenses to illegal aliens. Somebody has an agenda here but I'm not smart enough to figure out what it is.

In case you missed hearing about the University of Missouri, the VP of the students association is tired of the  First Amendment because it's creating a "hostile" and "unsafe" environment.

• A frozen lake used as a parking lot at the annual Winter Fest in Wisconsin melts, sending cars plunging into the water.  Hmmm.. parking on ice over a lake... weather forecast... who could have seen this coming?

Nanny State New York Mayor Bill de Blasio unveiled new regulations for crane safety in the wake of the recent crane collapse.  You know, try not to fall over and kill people. 

• Bored in London? Stop by Jimi Hendrix's apartment. The decor is a bit reconstructed by his former girlfriend, Kathy Etchingham, but it's history. Handel lived there too, sorta. There's a great story about Jimi giving tours to lovers of Handel. CORRECTION: Jimi died from sleeping pills, not the generic 'drug overdose'.

Gwyneth Paltrow is taking the stand in the case against her seventeen-year long stalker. He must not be much of a stalker if this has gone on for seventeen years. Perhaps prison will provide some remedial stalking lessons for him.

• HEADLINE OF THE WEEK: Mutant sperm-factories spread in men's testicles as they age to increase the risk of children with genetic diseases, researchers have shown.

A man has been arrested for lobbing a three foot alligator through a fast food drive-in window. He should not be punished-he should be rewarded. Every one of us, at some point, has wanted to throw a live alligator through a fast food window, haven't we?

Speaking of which, Chipotle will close their restaurant if anyone barfs. This will prove quite problematic should McDonalds adopt the same policy.

• A migrant headed to Spain managed to hide himself, strapped into a car's rear bumper. For some unknown reason, he got nabbed. That had to be a hell of a ride.

It's a very interesting time to be alive, at least for us Little People. The Powers That Be (PTB) have a more difficult time putting things over on us due to the near instant communication available these days. If it weren't a problem, countries wouldn't be rushing to censor or stop the Net. Anything large happening tends to appear online for monitoring.

There are a few mobile apps for monitoring police/fire scanners from all over the world, the best being Scanner Radio (free for android, not sure about others). From home, you can monitor all this at broadcastify.com (where the mobile feeds come from). Reddit (.com) has live feeds for large events. 

Twitter may be the fastest and most complete, yet overloading and frustrating. You can set up a search for whatever you want, in real time. Last night I monitored the situation with the group occupying the bird sanctuary in Oregon, on Twitter. So much info that I couldn't read it as it zipped by onscreen. Youtube carried audio being broadcast from inside the building on many different channels. The FBI had surrounded the building and was demanding their surrender, using all sorts of obvious tactics. I have no doubt that the situation would have turned out differently (READ: ugly) if they weren't livestreaming from inside the building.

This is a tremendous step up from days we relied upon mass media for our (quite biased) information (regardless of how we feel or the legality of the event). Perhaps the internet should get a Nobel Peace Prize, as opposed to warlike presidents.

• Regardless of how you feel about him, Bernie Sanders could potentially be the first Jewish president. Think of the implications... remember the shit-storm when Kennedy was the first Catholic?
• Hanukkah would be a national holiday with eight days off
• Only kosher hot dogs will be served at stadiums
• No more bacon cheeseburgers
• Two sets of dishes at the White House
• Weekly bombing of Iran.
• Anti Defamation League will make up his Cabinet (and drawers)
• Everyone entering the White House will have to wear a beanie, but we'll call it a Bernie
• All press conferences to begin with "Oy vay"
• Contracts will be negotiated for wholesale pricing only
• All disputes solved by using guilt

More than 100 schools have been closed in Bangalore due to sightings of leopards. And here in PA/US, schools close after a forecast of 1/2" snow.

• Noted without comment: How to file your 2015 taxes for free.