Don't Use the Trackpad - Use the Nipple!

For reasons I don't understand, our power grid is connected to the internet.
It follows that there were and will be hacks. Think about this... hacking the US (or local) power grid.

A "cyber event" interrupted grid operations in parts of the western United States last month, according to a cryptic report posted by the Department of Energy.

• It's not a heart attack - it's a cardiac event.

Dear lefty:

• What is this pain in my midsection?
• Mommmmm.... Billy got his penis stuck in the vacuum again

The Doobie Brothers, who have been around forever, have never been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. This may be because there's no room after Tupac and Janet Jackson.

• While testing for chemicals in rivers, shrimp were found to have traces of cocaine and ketamine.
• how do you snort shrimp?

If you're ever upset about being bored or complacent with life, remember the guy whose doctor found a live spider spinning web in his ear.

• A Maryland man was arrested after attempting to have sexual relations with a horse. Like many women, the horse was disappointed.

Those great humanitarians in Brunai have decided they won't enforce the stoning til death policy for homosexuals. Said the Sultan for Ways to Kill the Gays, "Perhaps we can stone them, but just not to death. That's fair, right?"

• All hail: the Royal Couple has shot out a baby. In the US, it's a celebration for some, but not quite like the UK, where people are really excited. Pageantry Time!
• My British reader is going to kill me.
• There are oddsmakers working on baby names and 24 hour news coverage
• Have they nothing better to do? (asks the guy from the land of the Kardashians)
• The UK news is out of its mind over a name for the baby and the fact that the father held the baby in front of the press. And his nose. No word yet on the Royal Poop Schedule.
• Thorough name analysis, once announced.
• The baby's name is Vice-Poopus Jugears Archibald Silly Hat Better Than You Hyphen-Hyphen

Is that an alligator in your pants or are you happy to see me?

During a Florida (of course) traffic stop, a woman pulled an alligator from her pants.  I told you women have teeth down there....

While we're in Florida, a man was charged with DUI after hitting a police car with his lawn tractor. It's ok though - he claims the police tainted his blood with cocaine.  Small wonder we pay so much in taxes.

• A North Carolina (note: not Florida) woman was arrested after appearing at CIA headquarters four times and asking for Agent Penis.
• Agent Penis says it's really hard being him.

Tragic irony:

A British soldier was killed during anti-poaching operations in Malawi. By an elephant.