Gag Reflex Not Helpful - Please Try Again

 Your love is like  food poisoning

ThermionicEmissions tries to bring helpful information to everyone. 

If you're going to 'play' with candy canes, do not plug them into the female genital interface. The sugar upsets the delicate chemical balance. It's already a deep, dark mystery in there, so don't complicate things.

Seasons Greetings

• NOTE: if you're in IT and adopting the Zero Trust model, it does not apply to your boss.

Today I identify as  a girl scout, at the girl scout jamboree. If you say otherwise, I'll sue and shut the entire organization down. And you'll be canceled.

This week is also the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, when the Ethiopians bombed Eritrea and blamed it on England. This resulted in the bombing of Japan, cuz why not? It laid the groundwork for all future attacks on oil-rich countries starting with "I".

• hate exercise? don't like getting out of bed? think jogging causes heart attacks?
• the UNFitBit ignores your heart rate, instead showing pictures of ice cream, fudge, and brownies. 
• you can alternate with 100 sets of high fat foods. you can even set it to random!
• when you're stuffed, it shuts off
• No data sent to any servers.    
• Pick up UNFitBit at stores near you. Better yet, order online - walking is hard.

Flying AIDS News   

Italian Man Tries To Avoid Getting COVID Jab With Fake Silicone Arm

Judge blocks Biden vaccine rule, citing “liberty interests of the unvaccinated”

More omicron detected as hospitals strain under delta surge

Omicron variant may be less dangerous than delta, US health officials say

NYC has mandated vaccine passports for 5-11 year olds to enter places of public accommodation.

Belgian police used water cannon and tear gas to disperse protesters in Brussels as the country tightened COVID-19 restrictions to counter a surge in infections.

COVID vaccinations spike in US as delta rages and omicron looms

A massive 8-year effort finds that much cancer research can’t be replicated

• I've been working diligently to figure out quantum computers. As best I can tell, they stop working when you observe them.

Some people hate trackpads on laptops.

Much like some people hate bullies and gray weather.

I never had any problems and kinda like them, up until the current laptop. 

It's bad.Very very bad.

But I do my best.

There are some people, however, who shouldn't use trackpads.

In fact, they shouldn't be in the same room with a trackpad.

Better yet, the same city.

Mrs. lefty is one.

I sat and watched, for hours, trying to help, while she shopped.

It was not pretty.

What's worse was my pathetic attempts to help... 

Some married couples can patiently, ably assist each other with new tasks. This, of course, would not be us. We're like a pair of alpha lions. Leaders of the pack. The pack of two. All growling and no learning.

Overheard:

• You don't have to push the button, you can tap the pad.
• WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
• You just shut down my blog.
• I can't make that happen. How did YOU?
• LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
• I'm not sure, but I think you just threatened China in email.
• Please tell the dog that trackpads weren't designed for paws.
• How about I get you a mouse instead?
• Click on the tab, don't close it.
• What do you mean 'why did that happen?' You MADE it happen.
• Don't click on... never mind. Bring it back up.
• Perhaps you should shop for shoes in the store....
• No, the browser in your phone works the same way.

And speaking of trackpads, my laptop's keyboard bit the Big One, so I had to order a new one.

$25 to ship the thing USPS. I wouldn't trust USPS to mail a letter next door, especially after last year's debacle getting the xmas presents to me. 

When I first got the laptop, I put in NVMe drives, so it was no trouble to  open and work on.

That is, until I tried to open it this time.

I took a ton of screws out and it would not come apart.

At one point, it looked like a few screws had put themselves back - I briefly considered taking up drinking.

I had no choice but to take the option of last resort. Go online and find the manual.

The manual rated this operation as easy(!). Fortunately it listed the number of screws and pointed me to the one I couldn't see. BOOM - the thing came apart.

Have you ever seen flat cables? There were two that connected the keyboard. This is precisely the point you need to call somebody who doesn't do coke (or meth) and their hands don't shake.

I finally got the new keyboard in, with only one broken plastic part and two screws left over.

You shoulda seen me - cock of the walk. I bragged to Wife that I fixed it. I swaggered when I stepped. I jumped over the dog (tripping and spraining an ankle). 

After all that crap, I had Side Effects, completely unrelated to the keyboard: a new battery icon, greater difficulty with the touchpad, and an HDMI port that decided it too was going to bite the Big One. 

Keyboardwese, evetytngh's werknng fahn.

The head of the European Space Agency has urged the continent’s leaders to stop facilitating Elon Musk’s ambition to dominate the new space economy, warning that the lack of coordinated action meant the US billionaire was “making the rules” himself.

-- doesn't Musk understand WE want to make the rules? We better teach this young whippersnapper a lesson. No, we don't have any actual ships there, but that doesn't matter. Dammit.

Biden News  

RIP Bob Dole. They told Biden that 'Bob was going away on a long trip, ok?'

The video conference with Putin went well, after the staff explained to him that it's just like the talkies, and he can watch that guy with the funny accent. Afterwards they promised to take him to Disneyland.

• Noting the crippling ransomware attacks on worldwide businesses, worldwide businesses said, "[silence] NA NA NA NA NA NA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU NA NA NA NA"

Billy Joel referred to Taylor Swift as the Beatles of her generation.

Swift said that 'broke her brain.'

Billy was quickly hauled to the Happy Place<tm>, then scheduled for a hearing test.

• 'I had to move across America when I became allergic to the sun'
• all the poor lady had to do was to move to SE PA. We're allowed 2 days per week of the sun, maximum. We just crossed over from the hot and rainy season to the cold and rainy season

You're probably saying to yourself, "Gee, I'd love to build my own stun gun."

You're in luck.

This basic taser page has the info..

If you're even halfway decent with electronics, it's pretty easy. 

There's only a wiring diagram. It's a 9v battery into a stepup transformer (about $9).

Basic cautions apply. I don't want to hear your funny stories about tasing yourself.

Ok, I do.

• with all the cyber attacks and ransomware in the news, it's a great time to remind you to USE CASH. Don't give out any personal info. It worked perfectly well for a very long time and never got hacked. Robbed, yes, but no one got your details.

Nobody has seen anything like it... New York is running short of cream cheese.

Karen, You're a Blithering Genius

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Are You Left Handed or Backwards?

Mercedes UK admits spying on drivers with tracking devices. Your location is not a secret on new or used cars. The government is outraged because only they should be able to spy on citizens. Is this happening in America too? Check what you're signing.

Lincoln is introducing Phone-As A Key, where you download an app to unlock your car (android or other). You're tracked here too because the app sends the data up the line every time you use it (and probably when you're not using it).

Faceyspaces gives everyone a 'clear history tool' that doesn't clear anything. 
Still logging in? 400+ million users' data on the loose. Still logging in?

Over a third of firms have suffered a cloud attack.
Once again, I have been proven correct.
If you can't touch your data, it's no longer yours.




Boris Johnson, the UK's new PM (PDQ), said he appreciates Donald Trump's kind words, but promised that he wouldn't say anything nice about Trump if Trump doesn't say anything nice about him. A Trump endorsement makes it even harder to get anything done.

• Denmark's PM said that Greenland is not for sale. She recommended the US take a look at China.

Dear lefty

• Why are you so nasty all the time?
• Because I hate you.

Angela Merkel (D-Germany) is being hauled into world court to explain why she deliberately uses a hard G in Angela.

Boris Johnson went to meet Angela Merkel as his first visit out of state. Boris took some remedial German classes in preparation, but couldn't make all the classes. As a result, here are a few things he said to Merkel

Good evening. Your mother is a fire truck.
About this Brexit thing.... God, you're ugly.
Germany holds a special place in my spleen.
Terrible thing about those Jews, isn't it?
Don't mention the war. Did I say that out loud?

• England will never be taken seriously until it stops saying conTROVerSEE and SHED-ule.

No thank you, I'd rather vacation in Jeffrey Epstein's jail cell.

Speaking of Epstein's cell, his former cellmate is being politely requested not to talk about a single thing that goes on in prison. Lest he get transferred to that cell.

• Having a bad day? A man burying his wife, a victim of the El Paso shooting, had his SUV stolen at the funeral.  Stop complaining.

I bought an ergonomic mouse, forever answering the question 'can I get a left handed mouse?' If you take a regular mouse and pick one side up to about 45 degrees, it looks like that. I really like the device and recommend it. It even has backspace and forward buttons for browsing. Since it's tall, I always knock it over with my hand.

Related: know how it's difficult to grab the tiny perimeter of a window to resize it? I have a hard time NOT grabbing it. It's like magic. Evil magic.



OXYMORONS

• Faceyspaces Privacy Officer
• Congressional Ethics
• Microsoft Security Engineer
• MTV Rocks

Work is fun and I'm learning all sorts of Stuff.
Stuff like being security conscious but using Chrome and Internet Explorer is ok. Internet Explorer is a Hall of Horrors. Whenever I use it, I remember why I not only hate it, but why I use ad blockers on my real browsers: it's the only time I see ads. So this is what PTSD means....

As with all jobs, there are meetings. I have tried with all my might to avoid meetings, without success. Even bad behavior hasn't helped.... when I try, I find out the others are trying harder than me (and succeeding). It's a competition to keep up. My behavior is actually encouraged. I tried feigning incompetence, but this also failed, as most of my coworkers are genuinely incompetent. I also tried Tourette's Syndrome, randomly blurting out curses, but no one could tell it from my regular outbursts. I tried an earring through my eyebrow, but the boss has a 6" bone through his nose.  I even tried explosives, but one coworker laughed and said, "You call that an explosive," then showed me his desk drawer. I even claimed I'm second shift (where literally nothing gets done) but no one heard me because they were off doing nothing of their own.

This will challenge all my creativity but I'm up for it.


Speaking of work, I had to put in a trouble ticket for some broken software.
My department must get to our issues in 24 hours...  to this day, we're not sure if Helpdesk is obligated to even look at their tickets. Since this was a fairly important request, they got back to me within a few weeks. I got asked if I'm still having that software problem. Well, I'd say so, as I can't fix it myself. You know, that's why I put in the ticket. Software doesn't spontaneously repair itself.

Oh.

He goes away a couple of times, without informing me he's working in the issue. I'm staring at the screen, waiting for something magical to happen. Fortunately there was no extensive breath-holding going on. I gave up and went back to my own job, where I get to all issues within an hour. A few disappearances later he informs me of what's wrong.  Well, that's nice. Then he disappears again. Where do these people go? When he eventually gets back, it's Fixed!

He has this whole dance down to a science. No one ever complains because, like their doctor, they're just happy to see him.

Now he'll tell his boss he spent 4 hours with some idiot who broke his machine, so that's why he got nothing done this week.

Oops, the fix was less that perfect, in that it didn't work at all, much like Congress. I'm sure someone will get back to me. In a month or two.




A girl was found bound and gagged in a car on a California freeway. The family said they were taking her to drug rehab. Turns out they were taking her to a Taylor Swift concert. It was for her own good.

There's a commercial on in the background and I notice the jingle sounds perfectly vapid and perfect for a commercial. Then I find out it's not a commercial - it's Taylor Swift. This is only the second song of hers I've heard, but my first instinct is RUN. She seems like such a nice person, though.

• Porn Industry Worried Association with White House May Tarnish Its Image.

Heroes of the Stupid

Fearing they could be overwhelmed with visitors, officials in the remote Nevada county that’s home to the Area 51 military base have drafted an emergency declaration and a plan to team resources with neighboring counties and the state ahead of events tied to the “Storm Area 51” internet drive. The entire storm will peter out when they find out cell service just crashed and they can't livestream to Faceyspaces.


If you play touch football at Lamar High School in Arlington, Texas, things just got safer: you are now required to wear a helmet.


Best headline: Joe Biden's brain surgeon is defending Joe Biden's brain.
He plans to install it after the election.


I just saw a message from someone using Microsoft Outlook for Android.
A virus you have to install manually.



SJW Stupidity

San Francisco board rebrands 'convicted felon' as 'justice-involved person'.
Richard Ramirez, 'the Nightstalker,' is now 'serially female-involved'.





History will look back on us and get a neck sprain from shaking its head vigorously.    - lefty

Some things never go out of style

Taylor Swift News

My relationship with Taylor Swift has been complex. No, not complex enough to wind up in one of her songs, nor to have John Mayer hanging out and commiserating (although if he wants to hang out, we can talk guitar).

Aside from her music, there seems to be no reason not to like her. She's attractive, tall and leggy, smiles a lot, seems to be a really nice person, and occasionally has nice hair.

Her music.. well... I'm not a teen/tween, so I'm waaay out of her target market. I've heard a tiny sampling of her songs and immediately requested their termination, as they screamed "You're Too Old" at anyone over sixteen.

But there's something... an unidentified something, lurking in the background. Something I cannot describe or put my finger on. Something odd. And when I have these intuitions, they're usually correct... sometimes it just takes a while to make it to the conscious level.

After much time, I think I've figured it out: she's a fembot.
Stay with me a moment.... there is a rush to design and market the first lifelike sex doll (which will cause a huge corresponding drop in internet traffic, as geeks and nerds swear off being teased by online women who do not exist). On the way to a final product, proof of concept and demo versions must be put together. I think Taylor is a prototype sex doll, only without the working parts for sex. They wanted to experiment and achieve a working human likeness first, before attaching Lifelike Female Plumbing.

I am not sure if her boobies contain machine guns, like the fembots in the Austin Powers movies, but eventually we'll see. Or we can check John Mayer for healed bullet holes.

Her fans aren't right either.

I bring you this information because I care.

• If you downloaded HandBrake for Mac over the weekend, there's a 50/50 chance you have a remote access trojan. Since we don't use Macs, this isn't an issue, fortunately.

I think this might be the ultimate bath accessory...

• A Wellsley college student has created a public database of professors who commit "ableist microaggressions" or fail to "respect" students' pronoun preferences.  It started out well and immediately degerated. These snowflakes are gonna be in for a rude awakening when they discover McDonalds will not allow a public database of managers who don't respect their pronoun preferences.

An Indian state has launched a cow ambulance service.  Because they're tired of the Muslims getting all the headlines.

• Faceyspaces is doing the lord's work: if you're in Thailand, FB will block your ability to see a picture of the king, in a crop top, with his tattoos visible.  I may sign up because of this.

North Carolina has passed a bill protecting drivers who hit protesters on the road.  It's open season, folks- mow em down!

• BULLETIN: WINDOWS - There's a pretty nasty bug, which was discovered, sent to Microsoft, and fixed within 3 days. Details at the link. A patch will be sent to your PC ahead of schedule.

Cumulus Rocks

You'll notice that I've been publishing more frequently lately. This is indicative of the fact that I've been publishing more frequently lately, plus my renewed commitment to sarcasm and my esteemed readers.


Today's Great Piece of Knowledge comes via the morning 'news', which had a special feature on Thanksgiving. On making the perfect turkey? No. What to bring for the holiday? No. New desserts? No. They want to let us know that if you don't have enough plates, it's ok. Don't you feel better now? You can make little animals out of napkins, because you have heavy cloth napkins all over the place anyway. Now, about that turkey...

• If you belong to the adult web service Friend Finder (the world's largest sex & swinger community), 412 million accounts have been compromised. No serious information yet from Friend Finder. Of course no ThermionicEmission readers have accounts there. We're not the swinger type. Ok, maybe some of us. You, from Russia-I don't judge.

Whether for work or personal use, don't use Free Wifi. Keep all connections HTTPS and ideally use a VPN. I can walk into any airport or Starbucks and set up a wireless network called Free Airport Wifi (Free Starbucks Wifi). Your phone or tablet will connect to it and I can capture or 'sniff' all your data before it goes out to the internet.

• Monthly reminder to back up your data. This protects you from ransomeware and most other Data Tragedies. Store the backup offsite, if possible. It will never hurt you to have a backup or even two.

Stop blocking roads, you idiots with Hurt Feelings. You caused a forty five minute detour that killed a man. Protest all you want but don't block roads.

Speaking of feelings, Barnard College is hosting a Trump Coping Event, complete with feminist coloring pages, hot chocolate, and snacks, so the snowflakes can cope with their feelings over Hillary's loss. You can't make this shit up.

• Here's a concept: Virtual Reality can help shut-ins. Hopefully this ends the Serious Stuff.

I need to reiterate the Taylor Swift Conundrum. The woman is arguably pretty, although she does absolutely nothing for me. One time I heard a small snatch of her music and was immediately hit by the feeling that her audience is 8-15 year olds, mostly female. Until this morning, I continued to remain unmolested by her music. The morning alleged news program ran a snippet of a video, discussing what it's about. It's about music promotion, you local Einsteins. And again, I was struck by the nursery school-like beat and melody.

The same alleged news program spent a few minutes on how to pronounce Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson's name: Dew-Wayne or Dwayne. Ummm... let's be thankful they're not discussing the election (or a Kardashian), I guess. Or world peace.

• Memory from the past: my musical comedy group had a song that involved basketball, so we mimed throwing a basketball (really?). We already know I'm not a sports guy, and my compatriots kept laughing at my feeble attempts to mime throwing a ball. Only I didn't know my attempts were feeble. They spent the better portion of an hour 'teaching' me how to mime throwing a basketball. Frustrated at their complete lack of patience, I was allowed to go onstage, not being able to complete this 'simple' task. It is said that guitar players are dumb. No alleged slur comes out of the blue. To this day, I have no idea what I did wrong and still don't care.
• Sort of along those lines, a dear friend's father passed away. My friend's comment was that at least he got to see the Cubs win. Apparently this is a thing.

You know that feeling of sheer joy and relief after the plane you're on experiences an engine fire and everyone gets off safely? Apparently it doesn't last long... 18 passengers have filed a lawsuit against Boeing and American Airlines for the engine fire on the tarmac, when part of the engine failed. Also part of the suit: the American Airlines Lounge ran out of vodka before the flight, creating a hostile flying experience.

• The Brooklyn Bridge has a long-standing tradition of people showing their love for each other by attaching a lock to it. According to the city's transportation commissioner, this is a Bad Idea. The bridge structure could be compromised.  As of yet, there's no word on the tradition of showing love by parking cement trucks on the bridge.

A US road safety body has demanded that electric cars traveling at a low speed make noise to warn pedestrians. Noises include bicycle horn, muscle car, and totally broken exhaust system.

• How about that Bono? He has urged Donald Trump to prioritize gender equality. After he won a Woman of the Year award. Let me make sure I have the pronouns straight here. Bono won a Woman of the Year award and called on Trump to prioritize gender equality. Is anything about this odd, suspicious, or believable? Could any of us come up with a more ridiculous news item? Will the president-elect act on the polite and 'correct' request? Finally, there is a women's magazine handing out women's trophies to men. We are living in Upside-Down World.

Apparently they never got the memo about improving race relations: a post on Faceyspaces (so I'm told, of course) referred to Michelle Obama as an 'ape in heels'. Let me attempt to make it so clear that even Faceyspaces readers can understand: OK to Criticize - ideas. Not OK to Criticize - appearance, kids, race, spouse. Yes, it falls under freedom of speech. Yes, they sound like racist idiots.

• Apple's Big New Product might be smart glasses that would connect to an iDevice to provide information on the glasses. In other words, Apple's is bringing out Google Glasses in 2018 or so.

Got way too much money on your hands and need to spend some for a good cause (you)? There is now a smart oven (uh-oh) that can recognize 'some' foods and 'kinda' cook for you. It is reviewed here. Only $1495, it can recognize and cook 25 items and has automatic settings for another 47. PLUS a Bluetooth app to look inside the device and to let you know when your food is done. BUT WAIT - if you buy now, you get a free puppy, plus the ghost of Billy Mays will visit and sprinkle white Magic Dust on you while you sleep.

• Moral Relativity? There is a new ransomware that harvests social data and scans for child porn. If found, the malware lists the offending file(s) and scans their social media, threatening to post a message.

Technology has come a long way. From using your 300 baud modem to connect to Compuserve to 2016, when Domino's Completes First Delivery of Terrible Pizza by Drone. This means we'll see delivery of Other Stuff by drone soon, regardless of how easy it might be to hijack the drone. Feel all techy and futuristic now?

• Netflix will be releasing "Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life" on November 25th. Nobody knows why.

Observing the great divide that has appeared after Trumpie won, not to mention the violent anti-Trumpie riots, financially backed by George Soros, It occurs to me that we really need to learn to coexist. Relationships have broken up, fights have started, buildings have been vandalized, and most recently, a man has been shot. I respect Trumpie opponents' right to peacefully protest, but this is getting out of hand.

There was a period of a few days when Mrs leftystrat was considering voting for the republican candidate. In what I consider a sterling example, there were no negative words or emotions present. We didn't loudly disagree or fight over this topic. We fought like mad over most other topics, but not the election. This example should serve as an example to the people destroying property and lives.

• Mexico's foreign minister announced a plan to help Mexicans get accurate information and avoid deportations in a Trump administration.
• WHAT?
• Not only are they allowing their citizens to jump ship, as it were, but they're aiding and abetting by providing help for the illegals.
• Can you see America encouraging emigration to other countries and providing assistance allowing them to remain there?
• This is a weird place. Not the blog - the country.

In a Beatle-esque display of bravado and up-yours-ness, Bob Dylan has announced he will not be at the Nobel Literature Prize ceremony, due to "pre- existing commitments". He's picking out wallpaper for that area over the steps leading down to the basement.

• With Black Friday coming earlier and earlier this year (November 2nd), you might want to know how not to overpay for your purchase. My article in Modern Black Friday suggests the only way to truly make sure you're not overpaying is to not shop on Black Friday. Yes, the alleged Black Friday Economy will collapse, but who gives a shit when you're trying to get that 67" (tangentially-measured) tv for two dollars off?

Let's say you're sitting there, minding your own business, and you suddenly decide that you'd like a quick Tinder hookup with a transgender person. On Tinder, one can now identify as transgender. I don't use Tinder (no, really) but I'd recommend not identifying as transgender unless you're transgender. That kinda surprise can get you assaulted. Good to know.

Poop Everywhere!

Got a pet and a Roomba (automatic vacuum cleaner)?
Apparently you can be in deep doo-doo if the machine runs over pet poop (or any other poop, one would imagine). In one case, it spread the poop all over the house. This is the main reason I love blogging.

• CNN has admitted to shorthanding ('creatively editing') the clip of the dead Milwaukee man's sister. The edited version said, "Call for peace." The original version said, "Go burn down the suburbs, not our local businesses." CNN apologizes.

Liz Cheney won the primary for the US House seat her father held. She is reported to have her own heart but does evil run in families?

• After what must have been an unnecessary lawsuit, a New Jersey driver can now order his 8THEIST license plate. His suit claimed religious discrimination because the Motor Vehicle Commission had approved a plate that said, "BAPTIST." Why are we even having this discussion?

Eight female Egypt state TV anchors have been given one month to lose weight before being allowed back on air. Perhaps they have had some consultants in from Fox.

• At her 58th birthday party in Havana, Madonna danced on a bar. Ambulances and life support stood by. Go ahead, call me a hypocrite.. sure, most of my favorite musicians are in their 60-70s.

A Malaysian oil tanker was 'not hijacked' despite earlier reports. Because it's really easy to get confused between 'hijacked' and 'not hijacked'.

• Unwanted pet goldfish are growing to the size of footballs in Australian waters. If they don't get eaten by the giant unwanted pet alligators, we're all in trouble.

I don't have a ton of good (or bad) things to say about Taylor Swift, but she just donated $1 million to help Louisiana recover from the flood. Hats off for your humanity, Taylor.

• The BBC News reported a study on the rising number of Islamophobic posts on Twitter.  Islamophobic is defined as anything negative about Islam. Not slanted at all, is it? Hmmm.. did they study the elections? I'm sick of them - if I tweet this, am I fraudophobic? If I tweet something bad that a gay guy did, am I homophobic? (ok, bad example). I really can't stand the Olympics (Zikaphobic), Social Justice Warriors (WhiteGuiltphobic), or Kim/Kanye (ok, that's just normal). Then there's concert prices (ServiceChargephobic), bad drivers (idiotphobic), and loud coworkers (deafophobic). Might as well give up on Mainstream Media (Agendaphobic), as if that's news.

Best headline of the month:

Police to search Bath park today for more dismembered feet


 Here's some readable tech stuff:

• 5 back to school tips to help kids stay safe online. Share this with children and adults you know. Avoid sharing it with kids you don't know - people tend to get upset about this.

If you're planning to install some spyware on your husband or wife's computer, things are starting to get 'interesting' in the courts. A US court has said that a man can sue a spyware company whose software was used unlawfully by a jealous spouse to intercept his messages. This is a significant case and should be watched. Don't you like it when I get all legal?

• So that DNC hack? It was investigated and determined, as in the press, to be Russian hackers. One of two hacks proved the Russians were inside the network for a year.  This is not partisan politics, folks... this is Serious Shit<tm>. If they're inside the DNC, where else are they? Answer: safe to assume most places.

Need a little light, amusing reading? Here's what happens when your work computer is full of large amounts of porn and it needs a little bit of repair...

So tell me - what's it like, being thrown through the windshield? No, we haven't called an ambulance-this will look great on the news.

Filibustering Democracy

The democrats interrupted a moment of silence for the victims of the Orlando shooting to filibuster to advance their anti-gun agenda.

• Taylor Swift News: Word has reached our ears that Taylor Swift's last boyfriend has been replaced by a new boyfriend. As we know, I have worked tirelessly to figure out why I am not fond of her; she's attractive, which is generally enough. Maybe it's because her music sucks eggs. Regardless, I must go with results and congratulate Ms. Swift: she has advanced equality light years by going through men just like male stars go through women. She's like Slash but taller, female, blonde haired, and seemingly without much instrumental talent.

Searchers have found the black box of EgyptAir 804. Meanwhile, Flight MH370 still successful in remaining missing.

• Know those round caramel candies with the white cream in the middle? Yesterday we discovered that spaniels really like them. We'd be shocked but we're too busy not being shocked.

At least they flush the toilet: At the work kitchenette, someone left the water running. Not to be outdone, someone else blew up a soda can in the freezer. There are bits of frozen soda all over the shelf, as well as a shredded soda can.

• There is an Islamic text on the right way to beat your wife. Just in case you were doing it wrong.

Three New York police commissioners have been arrested on corruption charges. They gave their people sodas that were larger than 16 ounces.

• Why is there no label on forks that says, "WARNING: do NOT poke yourself in eyes with this"?

Bernie Sanders has admitted 'it doesn't appear' that he'll be the nominee. Marilyn Manson still campaigning for Nobel Peace Prize.

• The Democrats have started a House sit-in on the floor for gun control. They need to show they're serious by holding their breath while they jump up and down during their fit. In other news, the old folks in the party needed to have their legs amputated after their circulation stopped from sitting on the floor.

It's a Plane Shame

The TSA is firing its security chief. What does this mean? It means 99 more years of the TSA. They have successfully turned the narrative around from "why do we need the TSA?".

• Our hearts go out to the victims and families of EgyptAir MS804. May they return home soon. Unlike MH370, which still valiantly remains unfound.

Hawaii could become the first state to put gun owners on an FBI register.

And now it starts.

• Apparently Taylor Swift is a Nazi idol.  No, really.

Microsoft is helping to fight against terrorism. Unfortunately, Windows 10 is still being produced.

• Your tax dollars at work: Federal immigration authorities are building a separate unit for transgendered detainees in Alvarado, Texas. 

A man rubbed chili on his girlfriend's tampon to give her 'hot vagina'. 

How could I make this shit up?

• It must be that season again: when there are two bomb threats on airplanes in one day: George Bush Airport and LAX.

I have strenuously avoided political labels, preferring instead to allow behavior to speak for itself. But the DePaul stage-rushing and takeover and the violence outside the Trump rally in Albuquerque really indicts the left. Apparently free speech only exists when it's speech the left agrees with. Anything else justifies shutting down, sometimes with violence. Some of these miscreants threw bottles at police horses. And when the protesters are Black Lives Matter, justice will not be forthcoming. The right has its own problems but violence is not among them.

This is a perfect time to remind everyone that the republican/democrat division is a false one, designed to divide people and distract from larger issues. You're gonna get it either way. Vote second party. Gary Johnson (libertarian) is now polling at 10%. Don't vote for the lesser evil - vote FOR someone.

• In the interests of grammar and truth, I wish to point out to commentators that undocumented visitor is spelled i-l-l-e-g-a-l a-l-i-e-n. No amount of linguistic gymnastics will change it.

It is interesting to note that some world leaders are quite rattled by Donald Trump. You know you're doing a good job when you can piss off world leaders.

• It has been discovered that the US nuclear weapons force uses 1970s era computer systems. Ever hear of 8" floppies? Nuclear weapons, people.

What is this.. Morning of Which You Speak?

The Czech presidential flag, which flies over the palace in Prague, was replaced with a pair of giant red underpants. This further shows how far America has slipped in creativity and protest. Any suggestions for what should fly above our executive palace (White House)? A giant condom? FOR SALE sign?

• In England, there has been an outbreak of 'Super-gonorrhoea'. Yes, Super-gonorrhoea: faster than a speeding Chris Christie, more powerful than Kim Kardashian's ass, able to leap large Colombian prostitutes in a single bound - it's Super-gonorrhoea!  

Why has someone put out an album of Taylor Swift covers?

• Captive Snake With No Male Companion Gives Birth, Again.
• Popemageddon continues.
• Microsoft writes its own linux.
• This is the END TIMES, people.....

Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson (uh-oh, Tom) said that Muslims are unfit to be president. His campaign apologized for the remark and stated that what Dr. Carson meant to say was that African Americans are unfit to be president.

• Because of the probability of a nuclear deal, Iran is ratcheting down its rhetoric. Instead of weekly rallies with cries of DEATH TO AMERICA, THE GREAT SATAN, future weekly rallies will feature  NEAR-FATAL WOUNDING TO AMERICA, THE GREAT SATAN.

Secretary of State John Kerry says the US is ready to take more refugees (200,000). Skull and Bones to pick up the tab.

• The Great Unwashed are at it again: Obama supporters sign petition to nuke North Korea. This also explains the story this morning on women voting for Hillary simply because she's a woman.

Companies are offering sex reassignment in their health benefits packages. Meanwhile, I still have a $5500 deductible, Mr. President.

• Interesting fact: through the years, Protestants were afraid of a Catholic president because he'd impose his religion on the country.  Unlike the Protestants and the rest of the Christians. 

Defense bureaucrats are bashing numbers into a database in a bid to develop what the agency hopes will become an automated security scorecard, assessing vulnerability exposure across the country's networks and weapons systems.  A national database of hackable items and vulnerabilities - what could possibly go wrong?

• 49% of US citizens say government is an immediate threat to the rights and freedoms of ordinary citizens

The Pennsylvania Attorney General has been suspended from practicing law.  Note that she has not been suspended from being the Attorney General.

• A US pharmaceutical company bought the rights to a 61 year old medicine and promptly raised the price 5,000%, from $13.51 per pill to $750 per pill. The pill costs about $1 to manufacture. The CEO said they need to make a profit. UPDATE:  "We've agreed to lower the price on Daraprim to a point that is more affordable and is able to allow the company to make a profit, but a very small profit."

I'm learning that what happens in Florida should have stayed in Florida. It usually involves copious amounts of alcohol and is relatively bizarre.  This month's winner would have to be the couple that got drunk (told you so) and decided to have sex in their closet (don't ask me). Drunk Female called out her ex's name twice. Drunk Male became enraged and killed her (as any reasonable person in Florida would). The manner in which he dispatched her left pools of blood and 'stuff' all over the place. Stay. Out. Of. Florida.

This beer-soaked example of humility and grace is said not to be related to this Danish gem, who was found to have the genitals of 21 women in his freezer. For some reason, he does not reside in Florida.

• SELFIE NEWS:  Selfies killed more people this year than sharks. An embarrassed spokesman for sharks said they would try to do better next year.

Parents killed their two-year-old daughter because they thought she was possessed by demons. Kim Davis not available for comment.

• Scotland has 421 words for snow. And, according to tradition, you can't understand a single one.

Lancaster, CA has introduced iris scanners for school buses for special needs students. It's for the children.

• Donald Trump says he's the rare republican who can woo black voters. "Negroes love me. I have fried chicken and grape soda."

No greater an American legal authority than the pope has stated that government workers have the right to refuse gay marriage licenses. His Holiness also said Hillary's use of an external email server is unconstitutional and called President Obama a pussy.

• A New Hampshire man stole $1,000 of drills from Sears and left, making chicken noises. Because elephant noises are better for stealing couches.

TECH CORNER:

AVG Antivirus has announced it will begin selling users' personal data to advertisers. There is allegedly a setting in AVG that will stop some of this but I don't use it so I'm not positive. Please check it out. One alternative is Avira (also free). Please read the fine print.



ENOUGH. LET'S LISTEN:

Les Dudek doesn't get a break, although you've no doubt heard him. He helped with Boz Scaggs [Silk Degrees]. He played with Cher (pre-facelifts) and Steve Miller. He also played on the Allman Brothers' Ramblin' Man - check out the tasty guitar work and vocals. He makes the most of a trio format. That voice does not seem to belong with that man. As soon as I started listening to Les, it hit me like ton of bricks - he had a lot to do with the Allmans.

Gonna Move has a great groove and has been covered by many artists. Is that an African Blue? Beautiful plumage.

Old Judge Jones sounds like it should have proven a hit. Works for me.

Jailbamboozle is a cool title as well as a cool tune. You can hear Jeff Porcaro and David Paich (from Toto) on drums and piano. Bizarro 70's groove.

One of my favorites is Deeper Shades of Blues. After enjoying it, I realized that this song is essentially Still Got the Blues, by the late, lamented Gary Moore. No idea which came first.

GUITAR PLAYER BONUS: Here are Dickie Betts and son showing you how to play In Memory of Elizabeth Reed. Why hire a second guitarist when you can breed one? The DNA definitely delivers.

 Yes, it's a Chow in a stroller

Who Ate Taylor Swift?

Technically speaking, I don't know or care (with the possible exception of John Mayer, a very talented guitar player).

But that is not important now.

Aside from a few cardboard cutouts and ads, I had no idea who Taylor Swift was. I noticed she had big hair, which is always a good thing with me. But as we know, I don't judge a singer by her hair (ok, it's still a 'nice to have').

Months ago, my Colleagues in Song Parody came up with a parody involving a Swift song. They started playing the song for me and my first thought was "this person must have a young following" because it sounded beyond bubblegum. I was thinking up to about age fifteen, max. My second thought was more of an action: "please turn that off. Eww." That was my first exposure to Taylor Swift.

Every now and then someone will expose me to a Swift song or I'll see her on television. My opinion hasn't changed in any way. Yet adults go to her concerts (and not necessarily the ones dragged by their children).

The thing is, I keep feeling I should like her. I have no idea why but I should like her. She's certainly not hard on the eyes but she does nothing for me.  I like really good female singers but she's not one. I like music but age-appropriate music. She seems to be a good person who does nice things.

Maybe it's because her output is just product. Maybe she has some sort of Swift Ray that permeates press and causes one to fall over her.  Since I'm semi-immune to commercials, it probably just keeps me wondering why I am not fond of her.

My recommendation? Turn that stuff off and listen to some serious women. No ear candy here:
Sass Jordan
Janis Joplin
Joan Osborne (bonus - large, curly hair)
Linda Rondstadt
Heart - Ann Wilson (sometimes Nancy Wilson)
Bonnie Raitt



================================================

We wish good journeys to Wicked Wanda, 96, wherever it is that she's gone.