There Are Some Days, and This Is One

This is the kind of thing we read this blog for: a Michigan highway billboard was hacked to play porn for 15-20 minutes. This is positive hacking. They destroyed nothing, made some people happy, possibly caused some outrage and a car crash, and everybody gets a funny story. I'd avoid the rush, however, to move to Michigan, as police have a bit of video and are searching for the perps.

For those of you who are upset about their work computer being locked down, there's a fake browser update that will infect the entire network with banking trojans. If you're locked down and updates are automatically installed for you, this won't matter.

Anyone who has read at least one of these entries knows of my great love for Faceyspaces. Well, it hurts like hell, but I have to back Faceyspaces. No, really.  Attorney General Bill Barr, along with the UK and Australia, is about to ask Lord Zuck not to go ahead with his plans for end-to-end encryption across its messaging services until it can guarantee the added privacy does not reduce public safety.

When you're done producing filling for your barf bag, allow me to translate: We, the Five Eyes, are rather upset at your attempt to keep all of your information away from our five prying eyes. If you don't leave everything wide open or accept one of our Extremely Safe Backdoors, you are making it very difficult for us to steal scan your information for terroristic threats and to keep the world safe from democracy. Because everybody except lefty and two of his friends uses Faceyspaces, it is our largest source of information. If you do not allow us access, we will convince the founder of Faceyspaces, the NSA, to allow us access.

Remember when back doors were something fun?



Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• There are only 2 classes of people: Munsters and Addams Family

Today I identify as a shrubbery



China recently celebrated 70 years of communism with parades and displays of weapons. And riots and a shooting of a protester. The people of the People's Republic also celebrate, but only when they're told to.

In unrelated news, The US celebrated their public education system by publishing these stunning results: first in spending of any country per student, 38th in results.

In yet still more actively unrelated news, Maria Bartiromo reports that... well... I don't really care - look at that face. She's a classic.

In related news, police are filing criminal charges against the person they shot during the riots.    I always say, "If you shoot them, they'll never do it again."  

The young man will be charged with rioting and assaulting a policeman.
Back in Tianamen Square, the lone protester was finally charged with assaulting a tank.

No thank you, I'd rather spend a few weeks with with Richard Nixon, in his  underground bunker.

• Every now and then, one must give thanks for even random positive events: today I'm thankful that the new project will no longer require Windows 10. I argued so politely and so strenuously, they redid the project just for me.
• Sometimes a good thing comes in the middle of tragedy. This is one.

Bernie Sanders, genial old Silly Person, noted communist, and inveterate alpaca plooker, said there should be no more billionaires*. What a funny old dude. He says random sentences with 'free' in them, generating cheers from his fanbase; like Bruce Springsteen, but much more expensive.

*Unrelated news: Billionaires said there should be no more Bernie Sanders.

• Today I want to share something of great import. I feel it will enrich your life and keep your kids happy too. Unfortunately I already forgot what it is. The mind is a terrible thing to... ummmm...

I am proud to let everyone know I like Orange Crush.
I am proud to raise my eyebrow upon seeing a bottle of Watermelon Crush.
I am proud to say eewwwwwwwwww upon tasting it. Yes, they got it right, but watermelon soda? Join my campaign for Kidney Stone Crush.





When a reporter for the United States Army Training and Doctrine Command interviewed Frank Zappa for the Command's news syndicate, the story was held by a superior who demanded that Zappa - who had been rather hard on the Army - answer one more question: just who does he think will defend the country without the Army?

Zappa's reply: "From what? The biggest threat to America today is its own federal government.... Will the Army protect anybody from the FBI? The CIA? The Republican party? The Democratic party? The biggest dangers we face today don't even need to sneak past our billion-dollar defense system... they issue the contracts for them."

The interview was not run.

We need Frank more than ever today....





Heroes of the Stupid

A federal judge ruled that Harvard University’s undergraduate admissions program is constitutional, rejecting a challenge accusing the school of discrimination against Asian American applicants.

In a decision released on Tuesday, US district judge Allison Burroughs in Boston said that while Harvard’s admissions program is not perfect, “the court will not dismantle a very fine admissions program that passes constitutional muster, solely because it could do better”.   Reached for comment, the KKK was outraged that their Harvard admissions will be capped at 20%.

Why is my cable bill so ridiculous? It couldn't be because of added fees, could it?



SJW Time

University and College Union apologises after failing to include Jews on list of groups of Holocaust victims (the Jewish Chronicle).

It described how the Nazis had persecuted groups such as “trade unions, including social democrats and Communists”, “Europe’s Roma and Sinti people”, “Black people”, “disabled people”, “freemasons”, “gay and lesbian people”, “Jehovah’s witnesses” and “'asocials’, which included beggars, alcoholics, drug addicts prostitutes and pacifists” were persecuted by the Nazi regime.

The international section in your supermarket is racist. The food is segregated.

sometimes you need to keep your soda cold

Confuse an Elephant

Google 'really sorry' for humans listening to your conversations. Stopped program. Started it again. Feel safer now?

Among the top 10 most surveilled cities in the world, are 8 in China, plus London and Atlanta, GA. This is based on the number of CCTV cameras per 1,000 people.

Group sex app leaks locations, pics and personal details. Identifies users in White House and Supreme Court   Data leaks are nothing to laugh at. Ok, maybe just this one time....

Windows 10 is now running on over 900 million devices.
... They know this because your pc phones home to Microsoft.




Dear lefty

• You sound... less miserable today
• Not anymore

I love my wife, for so many reasons. Today it's because she talks to all of my relatives. If it weren't for her, I'd have to talk to all of my relatives. Hats off to Mrs lefty! She's like a human firewall.



Today I identify as a writer of children's books. F-cking ankle biters.

• "The meek shall inherit the earth - a 6 foot plot above them." - Robert A. Heinlein

Robert F Kennedy, Jr, has been diligently researching his father's murder.
His claim is security guard Cesar Eugene Thane killed his father, then the CIA led the coverup. The theory was made public on the day Thane died in the Philippines.

We know Sirhan was a Manchurian Candidate, programmed to kill, but have no recollection of it. There were more shots than his his small gun could produce, evidence removed, and shots from the rear. Even a Manchurian Candidate cannot shoot from the front and the rear at the same time.

Best of luck, RFK Jr. You're among the bravest people on the planet (or not wired right); being a Kennedy and researching a Kennedy's death.

My $0.02?  Cesar may have pulled the trigger, but it certainly wasn't his idea. Who is powerful enough to produce a mind-controlled assassin? Definitely the CIA, possibly others. If the CIA wasn't the originating organization, who ordered them to do it? Like his brother, RFK pissed off a lot of powerful people and organizations.

Now imagine you live in a country where very powerful interests can get a very powerful government agency to kill the president of the United States and his brother, a potential democratic candidate for president. Oh wait, you don't have to imagine it.  Stop and think about this for a minute, whether or not you liked the Kennedys...

• British Muslims have run the first ever pride festival.
• It starts on a rooftop and ends on the pavement.

By now, just about everybody on the planet has a reality show. We need to take the next step and I'm here to spark things. We'll call it Tase! The idea is to tune in and watch your favorite celebrities tazed on national tv. The initial promotion is that it's almost a reality show. The back side is that people call in and bid for their favorite celebs to be tazed, with all the profits going to charity. We can have all the rabble who love reality shows, with base human animalism plus charity. It has all the elements. We'll add some attractive models, a decorator mattress for the celebrities to fall on after they get tazed. We'll need a Tazemaster... Someone suggested Judge Judy, but she's the first one to get tazed. That's my only ask.

Speaking of Useless TV, there is an upcoming re-do of Walker, Texas Ranger.
...again, not an original idea in all of Hollywood.

• It's so weird having a dog who just behaves like a dog. We're pretty happy that, although she loves people food, she doesn't try to steal it.
• Until last night, when she cleaned up a plate of cheesecake and ran.

No thank you, I'd rather  watch every Adam Sandler movie in chronological order.

• Multiple suicides on aircraft carrier George H.W. Bush leads to investigation...
• several in the Navy said something bad about Hillary
• the Navy is terrified that Bush will come back from the grave to get them
• disagreement over the word 'seamen'

Sometimes it's almost impossible to get a word with my wife, and it's not because we're married. She's busy (although I'm never sure with what, but she assures me she's busy, and that's good enough for me). Being the clever sort, I discovered a way to make contact every time, without fail:  announce I'm going to be incommunicado, go into my office, and close the door.

This will immediately cause some sort of emergency that can only be solved by knocking on the door or standing there, waving (non-preferred) body parts, as if I can interpret what that means. When I point to the phone I'm using for a call, the gesticulation gets wilder... unfortunately I still can't interpret whatever the waving is about. When it finally sets in that I can't understand the perfectly understandable arm and leg spasms, I will be left alone. Unfortunately this will only last 60 seconds, at which time I'm presented with a note. "I'm going out front to pull weeds."

THIS is why you had to do the Interruption Dance while I was trying to hear the phone conversation?

Well, I had to let you know.

She goes to weed, I get back to my phone conversation. At this point, it's less a conversation than a monologue, as only the other person is speaking.

VOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!
That's the sound of weeding. With some sort of nuclear-powered weeder that requires a small brigade of Marines to deliver and install. 

Thank heavens.. the weeder stopped. I can't even hear the Marines packing the beast up. 30 seconds later, she's back and gesticulating. Again.

What is it THIS time?

I just wanted to know.

YES?

Did I disturb you?

Only when you stand near me or are within 20' of the house.

Ok, I'll be quiet.

Bless you, Dear.

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG
OOPS, sorry. I forgot you were doing something important and was playing with my Barbie Home Jackhammer Kit.

Do you see this phone?

Yes, you're using it for something important.

Do you think you can not use construction equipment for just a few minutes longer?

I'm sorry.

Just remember, this is important.

Ok.

BANGCRASHBANGCRASH SHATTER.

JESUS FC, WHAT IS IT THIS TIME? Bowling with hammers? Tuba tuning?

Well, I was trying to be quiet since you're busy on an important call. I was being very careful and I fell into the pile of old glass decanters your dead relatives gave you in the will.

Good thing you were being quiet. I can't imagine what it would sound like if you weren't.

I promise I won't bother you again. I'll sit on the couch.

Thank you.

WELL WE'RE MOVIN ON UP... TO THE EAST SIDE... TO A DEE-LUX APARTMENT.. IN THE SKYYYYYY

What is that horrible rumble? Did you forget I was on the phone?

Well, I couldn't hear the tv, so I had to turn it up. I can't watch it if I can't hear it.

The city has men outside with sound meters, deciding whether it's noisier at the airport or here. My money's on here. Speaking of my money, may I finish this call?

Sure. I'm sorry. I just wanted to watch tv. I wasn't bothering you. I didn't knock on the door or make hand signals.

I'll get out the Cone of Silence so I can only hear the phone.

CLICK TAP BOOM BOOM CRASH CLICK TAP BOOM BOOM SNAKE NOISE.

I need to go somewhere quiet, like Syria.

Oh, sorry, was I disturbing you? I was just testing out my collection of high volume percussion instruments.

You don't by chance still have your Barbie Home Demolition Kit, do you?

No, I left that in the bulldozer.

Barbie Home Chemistry Explosive Kit?

Haven't seen that in a while.

Barbie Home Dent Hammering Kit?

Thanks for reminding me - I need to work on the car.

No you don't. Will you be quiet?

I promise.

Not a peep?

Nothing.

Thank you.
[finish call]
Dear, where are you? Honey? Darling? Coordinator of Destruction?
[silence]
What's that.. a note...

Dear lefty. You said not to disturb you, so I went to visit my cousins, 3 hours away. I know you wanted to hang out, but I figured you wouldn't mind and I didn't want to disturb you. See you in a few days.

And that's how I get 5 minutes with my wife.




Heroes of the Stupid

A Florida woman was cited after biting a truck stop camel's genitals.
so many questions, so little time....

We're deploying troops to Saudi Arabia. That's stupid from top to bottom.



SJW Follies

James Flynn wrote a book called "In Defense of Free Speech: The University as Censor."  The book has been banned.

Federal judges at the US Court of Appeals went against the FCC:

"did not adequately consider the effect its sweeping rule changes will have on ownership of broadcast media by women and racial minorities."

The decision has no bearing on the fact the the FCC ceased doing anything useful many years ago.

we paid HOW MUCH for this course?

Don't Fart in Church - it Keeps Me Awake

Here's a smartphone app to detect credit card skimmers on ATMs and gas stations.

And you told me there was no such thing as a butt plug hacker.

If you have an iDevice, you may be infected. I'm not kidding.

Do you use Chrome browser? A neato bug is causing a fix to be rushed.
This raises many questions: which browsers are also affected because they're Chrome-based? Chrome is based on the open-source Chromiun, which is probably affected. Many popular browsers are built on Chrome. Don't use Chrome - it's a goog product



BREAKING: President Trump wants to buy Greenland.
I have to question the intelligence behind this.. can't we buy a country with a decent climate?

We're at least 22 trillion in debt; why are we talking about buying a country?
I'll tell you why...


Top 10 Reasons to Buy Greenland

1. Because it's there
2. Asked how he found America, John Lennon said, "Just turn left at Greenland." Imagine how much easier it would be now.
3. How about those Kardashians?
4. Keep the military home from Afghanistan fresh - they can just take it.
5. We can change its name to Booger.
6. Send California there.
7. It's half the cost of Iceland per square foot.
8. Even the trade imbalance with Denmark. (Denmark owns Greenland)
9. Zero Population Growth - who wants to do it where the temperature never goes above 50 degrees (17 grams centigrade)?
10. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• It all comes down to cocktail or tartar sauce on seafood.

Up to 10% of Texas drivers are uninsured or underinsured.
Philly: Don't be a pussy - we're at 50% on a good day.

Pennsylvania ranked 18th on the top friendliest states.
Its neighbor, New York, ranked last. Very close was its other neighbor, New Jersey.  Imagine if they ranked cities.... Camden, Manhattan, North Philly (scene of the recent shooting).

• Every now and then I find a particularly interesting piece. The parrots want to tell us something. The ones that aren't dead parrots, of course.

This study shows handler beliefs affect scent detection dog outcomes.
Now explain that to the policeman.

• Here's a little light reading on the CIA mind control experiments. Yes, the Manchurian Candidate is non-fiction.

When you see an airplane on tv, how can you tell it's a commercial?
The people look comfortable and the refreshment trolley takes up less than half the aisle.





The British are a Riot

Insipred by the riots in Hong Kong, the British have decided to take up rioting (on a limited basis, if that's ok).

They urge caution, so most will be protesting at home. Some of the more brave Britons will protest online. The bravest promise to leave their homes, slowly, but can't agree on a suitable venue to air their grievances. The riot had to be postponed four times, because of a series of meetings to figure out what their grievances ARE.

The novice rioters are urged to start with small steps, such as grumbling in public. The more intrepid rioters are going to get Really Serious, with a series of strongly worded emails. If you are leaving your house for the riot, practice in small increments: take two steps, say, "We just cannot have that sort of thing here," then run back inside. You will be ready for full revolt in only a few years' time.

The brave rioters staying home are urged to march in step with the people actually attending the riot (both of them). The riot will be televised, but you're out of luck if you haven't paid your licence fees.

The grievance committee also has to approve signs for the rioters. Suggestions thus far run the gamut from "Oi" to "Man United or Death!" to "I am strongly against this sort of thing." The political subcommittee has also approved "Fuck Trump" signs. Although there is no specific relevance, it has become fashionable to carry them. The Boris Balloon has been rejected because the Chinese are too busy rioting to complete it on time.

The largest hurdle facing the Brits is that they have to be taught how to riot. History shows they're not very good at it, unless there's an interruption in the flow of tea or Eastenders. When advised rioting includes things like not showering, being rude, and flouting authority, the grievance committee decided on a more nuanced approach: postponing the riot indefinitely and holding more meetings.

• Police in England carry a device that lets them check if car windows are tinted too darkly.  From tinted windows to people saying bad words, you're protected.

Headline: A man suspected of planning an ISIS-style knife attack in New York is in jail today, courtesy of the FBI.

Real Story: some incompetent boob was nurtured and encouraged by the FBI, then 'caught' right before committing the act.  This happens so many times, your first instinct when you hear FBI should be 'they set up another one.'




Heroes of the Stupid

Lindsey Graham is advocating for a peace deal in Afghanistan.
Yay!
His only prerequisite is that US troops are allowed to continue fighting.
Ummm....


A South African bank says that password managers play a useful role but cautions against the use of them for your bank account.

'Hundreds of thousands' of users are still using compromised passwords - worse still, they're using those same passwords for multiple different sites.


Jed Foster (20) is in court for the murder of policeman Andrew Harper. He says he's not guilty - he wasn't even there. He did not drag the policeman under the car.  The policeman was not married for only 10 months. Foster wasn't even in the country on that date. In fact, he was on the moon on whatever date he allegedly killed someone. He couldn't have been there because he denies being born. This should be an interesting trial.


Elizabeth Warren gave a speech in front of Native Americans, where she apologized for claiming she was part Native American. She is actually African American.




SJW Situations

[Twitter @PaulLeeTicks]
As much as a monster as Ted Bundy was, just keep this in mind: Ted Bundy killed 30 people, over a span of 4 years. Whereas Donald Trump is responsible for the mass murder of 31 people - in just one weekend.

I'm a little bit country... and she's a little bit rock and roll...

Don't Use the Trackpad - Use the Nipple!

For reasons I don't understand, our power grid is connected to the internet.
It follows that there were and will be hacks. Think about this... hacking the US (or local) power grid.

A "cyber event" interrupted grid operations in parts of the western United States last month, according to a cryptic report posted by the Department of Energy.

• It's not a heart attack - it's a cardiac event.

Dear lefty:

• What is this pain in my midsection?
• Mommmmm.... Billy got his penis stuck in the vacuum again

The Doobie Brothers, who have been around forever, have never been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. This may be because there's no room after Tupac and Janet Jackson.

• While testing for chemicals in rivers, shrimp were found to have traces of cocaine and ketamine.
• how do you snort shrimp?

If you're ever upset about being bored or complacent with life, remember the guy whose doctor found a live spider spinning web in his ear.

• A Maryland man was arrested after attempting to have sexual relations with a horse. Like many women, the horse was disappointed.

Those great humanitarians in Brunai have decided they won't enforce the stoning til death policy for homosexuals. Said the Sultan for Ways to Kill the Gays, "Perhaps we can stone them, but just not to death. That's fair, right?"

• All hail: the Royal Couple has shot out a baby. In the US, it's a celebration for some, but not quite like the UK, where people are really excited. Pageantry Time!
• My British reader is going to kill me.
• There are oddsmakers working on baby names and 24 hour news coverage
• Have they nothing better to do? (asks the guy from the land of the Kardashians)
• The UK news is out of its mind over a name for the baby and the fact that the father held the baby in front of the press. And his nose. No word yet on the Royal Poop Schedule.
• Thorough name analysis, once announced.
• The baby's name is Vice-Poopus Jugears Archibald Silly Hat Better Than You Hyphen-Hyphen

Is that an alligator in your pants or are you happy to see me?

During a Florida (of course) traffic stop, a woman pulled an alligator from her pants.  I told you women have teeth down there....

While we're in Florida, a man was charged with DUI after hitting a police car with his lawn tractor. It's ok though - he claims the police tainted his blood with cocaine.  Small wonder we pay so much in taxes.

• A North Carolina (note: not Florida) woman was arrested after appearing at CIA headquarters four times and asking for Agent Penis.
• Agent Penis says it's really hard being him.

Tragic irony:

A British soldier was killed during anti-poaching operations in Malawi. By an elephant.

Armageddon Not Scheduled for This Year - Rest Easy

Some exercise equipment commercial referenced all the benefits to using their latest Wonder Instrument of Torture. First, you'd look like or get their really hot model. Your shapely 310lb frame will fit into a size two when you're done. And it will benefit your core.

I'm sorry, but even with the sad state of public school anatomy curriculum, I don't have a core. Car radiators have a core. Apples have a core. You can core a fruit. We're reaching the core of the matter. You can core more, as well as coring less, but you have no core.

And exercise causes cancer.

• The CIA's "Vault 7" leak was an inside job, according to the FBI. The DIA begs to differ. In keeping with their mission, the TSA has no clue. The DHS isn't commenting because they're still trying to find Vault 6. Very quietly, the NSA is over there in the corner, snickering.

Securus Technologies gives the police the ability to track cell phone locations without a warrant.  Isn't that great? If they can't get your information from a court, they just get in touch with Securus. RIP Fourth Amendment.

• Remember that stupid window cleaner commercial where the birds kept crashing into the windows because they're so clean? Yup, it happens here. You're minding your own business, then BAM - another birdprint on the window. This enrages the woodpecker that pecks on the aluminum siding once a year.

What is it about my phone that causes loud noises and the laws of physics to rearrange themselves?

On a late phone meeting the other night, one of the kids walks in, speaking at the top of her lungs; "HEY LEFTY GUESS WHAT I WAS IN THE YARD AND.." I'm waving my hands and making the universal gesture for STFU - NOW! She waved her hands (loudly) and said she was sorry.

Ten minutes later, someone decided they needed a candle or seven lit, for a calm atmosphere.  Who can argue with a calm atmosphere? Even if there has never been one in the entire time in the house? She started by tripping over some imaginary object - BANG!  The dog BARKED to be let out, because there's something about my boss' voice that starts his bladder talking to him.

Back at table, the phone rings.

Back at the candles, they are getting lit, except for Number Three, which falls over with a SMASH of glass. BANG BANG BANG went the feet as more tripping ensued.

I snicker at the pointlessness and impossibility of getting anything done at home.

At this point I'm incredibly impressed by a glass candle holder whizzing past my head, on the way to a window. And finally, in a futile attempt to continue lighting candles, my wife knocked over a perfect split in bowling, where two candles are on the extreme left and one candle on the extreme right. It might actually be quieter to install a bowling alley in the living room.

• After about three years of consulting, I'm proud to have been offered a job at the company for which I'm consulting. As a full time employee, I'll have to attend orientation, where they'll teach me how to fill in forms, get very little done, and how to nap without snoring. No word on an attitude or whether it's self-developed. The difficult part will be the class in not communicating with my team or other teams.
• About 16 years ago, when I got my last big job, I called my grandmother first, to let her know. She was thrilled. I wish I could call her today. Hopefully they read this blog.

Google AdSense sent out an email about new Terms of Service. You'll get these from various online services because of GDPR-QRSTUV, over in the EU. It's a privacy platform that says advertisers must keep your information secure before they sell it to others. There are occasional ads on this blog, which is how bloggers earn a few pennies per year. In the past eight years or so, I've earned approximately... more or less.... just about... Nothing. This is one of the benefits of having fifteen readers (up from ten). Many years ago, when I was with a Large Network, I made money from blogging. Not guitar money, but a few bucks. When they got unpleasant, I moved here. That really showed them!  Which goes to show you that I do this for nothing. And why shouldn't I?  I appreciate you coming by to see what's going on in leftyWorld.  If you like it, please tell your friends, your parents, and your kids. If you don't like it, please tell your enemies and in-laws (and me).

• London's database of gang members is 87% BAME (Black, Asian, minority, ethnic) and is accused of being "racially discriminatory". It has been suggested that they add some white people to the list to balance things out.

Dave Fullarton was cleaning out a house belonging to a friend who had died, when he came across Army Captain Larry Casey's ashes. As Baltimore National Cemetery made arrangements for a full military burial, Dave put out an invitation on social media for people to attend the veteran's funeral.  Some played Internet Detective and located Casey's widow and daughter, who flew out on one day's notice.

The history goes like this: some of Casey's ashes were spread in a memorial service and the rest were given to his best friend, many years earlier.

Approximately 300 people, including veterans and police, turned out for the funeral.                              I think I've got something in my eye.

• in the Alternate Universe Department, this time it's not me! My wife noticed that when she called her mother, it went right to voicemail. And Mom never noticed. No one else in the entire huge family has this problem. Mom is stymied.
• In order to call her mom, she has to call another family member to call Mom first, then have Mom call her. This should be fun if she needs to get in touch quickly.

Hell truly has frozen over. The pope told a gay man that God made him like this and God loves him. Well, Mr. Pope, from what I understand, that's a very Catholic thing to say - good on ya!  Don't they say love the sinner, hate the sin? Because this is so interesting, let me add that the remarks were made to a victim of clerical sexual abuse. A cynic might say that the insurance company made him say it.

Hoarders has refused to do a show on our house, as we have walkways and nothing's piled higher than anyone's head, Marshall excluded. I'm not sure whether to feel happy or excluded. In that spirit, we're house cleaning.

I have a computer room. Rather, I had a computer room. It's still physically there, but might have blipped into an alternate universe. When I opened the door, it had returned to our universe and I got nostalgic for the times my wife yelled at me because I spent all my time in there computing and building Stuff. So I started the front end loader and got enough things out so I could enter. Then more stuff. Then I remembered I forgot or refused to throw things out, so I went lighter, using a snow shovel. Having carved out enough space to work at the desk, I figured I could clean as I went along.

Perhaps I was a bit too ambitious.

But no experience is without learning, so I learned a few things...

• as little as 1/2" of dust on a keyboard can impair typing
• just because it's a huge outlet strip, with all sorts of things plugged into it, doesn't mean there's actually power there, or to all of the outlets. Fortunately I figured this out before the laptop laughed and shut itself down.
• Old square displays confuse the hell out of laptops, rendering at least one of the screens useless.
• mice with balls still work, people with them, not so much
• I had forgotten about the sensual experience of using a gel mousepad that's leaking gel. Amazon will benefit like mad.
• anything I want to use will be plugged into something else
• I have an odd number of speakers
• it's 20 degrees hotter than the rest of the house and to open the window is going to take some sort of gymnastics that might get me into the Olympics
• like fixing computers, there will be some amount of screaming and cursing involved
• I missed my ergonomic keyboards like mad

A.J. Nipplepunisher

I now wish to be addressed as AJ Nipplepunisher.
It's spelled AJ Nipplepunisher but pronounced "You Sweet Thing".


So I'm on a late conference call, listening intently.
As this was planned, everybody knew not to bother me.
Well, almost everybody.

Five seconds before the first word was spoken, the air conditioner turned on.
The wife announced, loudly, she was going to lay down because her head hurt.
As the conference starts, The Loud Family begins entertaining the neighborhood with its rendition of Power Saw Samba #9, dedicated to my wife's headache.
Then the Russian guy starts talking. His English is flawless (until he tries to speak). I can feel the sound of 50 participants' eyeballs rolling.
But wait... the sound of screeching. Of someone horribly mistreating an animal.
Oh. The dog is outside and wants to come in. It's a shame nobody told me he was outside.
If my coworkers had any idea of the things I do while on conferences, they'd all quit. After sterilizing the phones.
Back to sitting quietly and listening.
The Loud Family, having just finished their rendition of Moby Dick for Explosives and 12 Gauge Shotgun, wasted no time on going into their next song: Blue Danube for Two Lawnmowers. The interplay was spectacular, but we missed out on the stereo separation because we weren't out in the street.

Someone yelled ENCORE and they've been out there tuning their circular saws for 30 minutes.

• CORRECTION: I'm a big man and not afraid to admit my mistake. Last issue featured my wife telling me to heat Marshall's chicken breast before giving it to him. I asked which spices he preferred and should I offer him a nice cabernet with it. I have since been corrected, by my entire family, that one does not drink cabernet with chicken: it would be proper to offer something called Rose-A. Lest you think I ain't got no cultchur.
• UPDATE: the WhatsApp caution that a specially formatted message could destroy your phone was incorrect. The worst it can do is cause you to have to reboot the phone. All reports of the phone exploding and burning down your house were grossly exaggerated.

Good Day: your boss tells you his dad worked for the CIA
Not So Good Day: you say, "Your dad was a spook?" to the black man
Better Day: your boss says yes.

Since I have more traffic from Russia these days, I'll try to translate this for former citizens of the USSR:

Good Day: your boss tells you his dad worked for evil capitalist spy agency, bent on spreading warped ideology to other countries by destabilizing people's government
Not So Good Day: you say, "Your dad was filthy spy?" to the criminally oppressed minority in country where everybody isn't equal
Better Day: your boss says da, silently pointing to the mic in the flowers on his desk

• Part of the ThermionicEmissions Quality Control program is spell-checking my rantings before they go out. This is a little difficult because Google's spellcheck (Blogspot is Google) doesn't have certain unimportant words, like internet, blowjob, tv, McDonalds, or gauge.

I see a lot of press being given to people who insist Artificial Intelligence is going to kill us all. I used to laugh it off, like everyone laughs off most of what I say, but if you think about it, it has already started. I'm talking about that poor lady mowed down in Arizona, while walking her bike across the street. It was a self-driven Uber, with a test driver who happened to be looking down.

Police say the car didn't try to avoid hitting the woman.

See, I told you so.

The official explanation from Uber is that they discovered a bug in their software that separates Stuff floating across the road from Stuff you shouldn't hit. Apparently the car failed to see the woman as something that should not be mowed down. I'll go along with this premise, but this is not a 'bug' - it's programming. They built the sensors to 'see' her but had to program them to figure out if it was ok to mow her down. As it turns out, even I don't mow people down with my car, no matter how much they deserve it. Thus the beginning of Artificial Intelligence killing us all. Our first martyr.

Apparently there's a tradeoff between a car that's jerky because it keeps hitting the brakes and a smooth car, which just might mow down an object it considers harmless. Do you see where this is going? Harmless? Random human?

As a result, a number of states and car companies have stopped testing their software on pedestrians... I mean stopped testing their cars on public streets.

Fast fact: the codename for the car's software is Manson.

Regardless of whether it was horrible programming or the vehicle's decision to reduce the population by one, we come back to the same result: I told you so.

I told you these things were Not Ready for Prime Time. To test them on public streets is to test them on the public. In this case, it's tantamount to murder. There's absolutely nothing wrong with testing them out for years and years. This is a product you don't want running around mowing people down. I guess the lawyers sent opinions and the bean counters counted their liability beans, deciding it was time to set the murdering machines loose upon the public.

I'm not particularly proud of it (I told you so) but I wanted to make the point that maybe I have a point and deserve a little consideration. Usually I told you so is reserved for computer security matters and conspiracy theories that turn out to be quite true. So next time I warn you about something and you ignore it; when it comes true, at least say he told us so.

• There's a critical bug in 7zip, the archiver. Download the latest version. Now.
• There is a bug in PGP, Pretty Good Privacy. A Big Deal was made but it turns out the world will not end. The recommendation was to turn off HTML email (IF you use PGP). Fortunately most, if not all, of my readers won't have to worry about it. Because if they did, they'd lose all of those wonderful backgrounds and emojis (HORROR of HORRORS).

I don't have the heart to summarize this, but this entry has some very important information about credit freezes. It's depressing, demoralizing, and disheartening. And it shows you whose hand is in what, as credit goes.

• I read an opinion in the New York Times, so it must be vetted first, that Trump's choice for CIA head ran a black detention site in Thailand, where people were tortured at the behest of the CIA. Most of the previous words are abhorrent to me.
• Yes, one could argue that she has experience at all levels and toes the company line, but....

Donald Trump's Twitter Account Hacked!

Well, we're not entirely sure, but this morning's tweet was relatively short, full of facts, and contained no Trump-isms. So we think the account was hijacked. When asked what they were doing to protect the president, the Secret Service asked, "What's a tweet?"

• a police car pulls over a vehicle that has just turned into McDonalds...
• UK police would see the car into a spot and confiscate any plastic knives.
• Australian police would allow the car to place an order first, then see it in the parking lot.
• US police would pull the guy out of his car and beat the shit out of him. "Rubber hoses leave no marks"

Weather Modification

As humans, we are only beginning to discover things we can do. For instance, did you know we can control the weather?

We can cause it to rain by washing the car. 

We can also cause a 30 degree drop in temperature by installing window screens.

Who knows what else we'll find as time goes on...

• So we're heading out shortly and I'm checking the weather forecast. WXnation says 57 with an 80% chance of showers. Weather.com says 73 with a 20% chance of rain. Obviously they're both correct because 80% plus 20% equals 100%, right? Right? The forecast on my computer is for showers every day. Normal people would find this suspicious. People around here know you can't go wrong predicting rain and clouds every day.

Word of advice: when your mom asks you to shoot her if she's acting like her mom, don't.





Lowes Blows

My wife needed hardware. Not that kind, smartass.

She has a love/love relationship with Lowes. Or so I think, because she spends a lot of time there. Normally it's the man who visits Valhalla, but I'm weird.

We have this thing she calls a lopper. Women don't always know the names of things, so I helped by referring to it as 'that long red thing for cutting branches you can't reach'.

None of this would be an issue if it weren't for my dad. He's gotten a little 'itchy' since he retired, and insists on coming over to help me. We suspect he's gotten a little tired of Mom, so he insists on coming over to help me. As it turns out, we may be wrong, because he brings her along too. Mom has also gotten a little 'itchy' since Dad retired, and insists on coming over to help the dog. No, really. She does some sort of energy work on him, which seems to help. She can tell where he's hurting. Mom was always tuned into different frequencies... when I was a teen and my friends came over, if one of them did so much as pulled a cigarette out of a pack, Mom would yell, from two floors up, "Is anybody smoking?" She could also tell when someone was pregnant, long before they announced it or looked pregnant. Boy was I shocked when a girlfriend turned out to be preggers (I had no part in it, so to speak).

One of Dad's projects was my tree. The tree sits out there, mocking me and annoying much of the neighborhood. Do I look like I care?  It stays there because in the fall, it drops leaves by the ton on the Crazy Lady's lawn. That's a blessing to me. Anything I can do to 'inadvertently' make her life (more) miserable, I'm doing it. She turns 440 this year and doesn't look a day over 125.

In any case, the tree has been a bit of a problem recently. It started throwing limbs at the ground. I don't mind limb throwing, but only at the Crazy Lady.. it's a waste of a perfectly good projectile. If it didn't grow leaves, I'd think it was dead. One particular branch was getting cozy with a power line, so we called the Tree Guy.  Tree Guy quoted us $600, because anything he does starts at $600 and rises rapidly. The following year it looked like another branch was loose, so we called Tree Guy, who charged us...... wait for it.... $600 to remove it. We're not all that quick, so it took a few years to figure out the guy was taking down the entire tree, but doing it one branch at a time, at $600 per branch. At those rates, you'd think he was a plumber.

Dad decided this was going to be his job. He picked up the lopper and started sawing. He got so busy that it wasn't safe to walk near my house, lest you get pierced by falling bits of tree. He too was taking the tree down by attrition, but he wasn't charging. Two hours later, he asked where the blade was, because it wasn't there, like me. Wife had no idea. Apparently the hardware loosened, jettisoning the blade and itself. Speaking of hardware, my wife is juggling chainsaws, and Dad calls at two hour intervals, wanting to know if she got the hardware yet. Dad's tenacious, if not short.

After telling Dad that she got the hardware, to make him stop calling (it didn't work), she decided it would be a good idea to actually get the hardware, so he wouldn't be without his hobby when he arrived. This is where it gets weird, as if it wasn't weird enough already...

Lowes is Lowes. A huge home-improvement warehouse. Wife asked where she could find the replacement blade: "Over there."  Ok, then... over there she went. Through some managerial mistake, she found the blade. You know what's coming next, right? It didn't have the hardware. So she wandered around, looking for a Helpful Employee. Due to corporate budget cuts, they no longer hire Helpful Employees. Instead, she looked for a Very Busy Helpful-looking Employee.

Did you know it's not against the law to dance naked in any aisle at Lowes? All you do is stand there and look for help. You are now guaranteed that nobody who works there will come down the aisle, and can start the striptease.  After she got done dancing, she found someone, purely by mistake, as he was just about to go on Hiding Duty. He said to go to the hardware aisle and he'd send someone over. This is a phrase they teach employees and sounds extremely helpful and hopeful. In reality, it means "I'm not allowed to say GO AWAY so I'm sending you to an aisle where no one will ever find you".

She waited fifteen minutes at the aisle, when a different employee approached, looking all hardware-like. Three feet down the aisle, he acquired fourteen people, with fifteen questions, preventing him from helping her any time in the next millennium. Wife gave up, nearly decapitating several hangers-on with one throw of the blade.

Off to the register with blade, but without hardware. This cashier came directly from McDonalds. Or maybe a shoe store on a strange planet, here on a student visa, to study how much bad customer service you can throw at customers before they simply leave the store. His name was Taniesha and his short fro featured two very yellow stripes and sparkles simply everywhere. Before Wife could even get out a greeting, Taniesha started regaling her with tales of his day, how nobody would let him get his work done. Does this mean coworkers stopped him from pushing keys on the register or did somebody hide his stockings? He continued the monologue by mentioning he was there at 5am and hadn't even gotten a break and nobody appreciates him.

Now this is where it gets weird:

He says, "Oh, snap." 

Complete with hand gesture.

And that, Your Honor, is when his head just came off and rolled down the aisle.

So now we have a replacement blade, but no one has the heart to tell Dad there's no hardware to secure it. I can hear the phone ringing already.....

I'm not moralizing - make your own decisions

I've Got SNAILS in My Pants

So there's this athletic tournament in Siberia, the little-known Capitol of All Athletics. Russia sent more than thirty of their Best. And thirty of their best turned tail and fled after the unannounced arrival of anti-doping officials.

The Kremlin denied that the sudden disappearance of their team had anything to do with performance-enhancing drugs; they all just had a doctor's appointment they suddenly remembered.

• News has reached the public that President Trump had an affair with a porn star in the past. The democrats and never Trumpers are absolutely over the moon with glee. Their smiles will be short-lived, as the president's supporters will be damn impressed that their man got to boink a porn star.
• Having seen the adult entertainer in question, I can't help but think I would've chosen a different performer (not that I know anything at all about porn).

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the Las Vegas shooting. I'm not saying there's any sort of conspiracy here, but the pattern doesn't fit the norm. In all other shootings, the details are known within a day of the event. In Las Vegas, we still don't know much more than the official narrative. As with any other large happening, it is very important to scrutinize the entire event, as well as the official narrative. Here are some relevant questions that remain unanswered. Please read and form your own conclusions.

• The residents of a fair percentage of Pennsylvania are somewhat confused. This sentence stands alone, however what's confusing in this case is that they awoke to find no new snow. In fact, the sun is almost out, which is pretty much the best they can hope for. According to a report that I can't remember where I read, we have had snow in all 50 states.
• Asked to comment on this, a panel of meteorologists said, "This is some weird shit."

I know I'm incredibly late to the party but I just passed Toddlers and Tiaras on whatever channel I passed it on.  It's no secret that I hate reality tv, as well as non-reality tv, and most of what passes for tv on tv. This show is an egregious example of what's wrong with tv, as well as some extreme psychological issues.

I often joke that clothes commercials for kids amount to "dress your daughter like a prostitute, just like you!" Nowhere is this more true than this show. It is absolutely eerie to see very young girls with hair higher than some buildings, in spite of my love for Big Hair. They have more makeup on than a Kardashian, and learn all the modeling moves from their mothers, who are either all failed pageanteers or wish they were. This, as we all know by now, is the worst case of projection on tv. Leave the poor girls alone and let them grow up as normally as possible. Take it from the guy who has no children and his dog doesn't do beauty (or obedience) pageants.  Let's teach them about winning being the only thing. Add in a little sabotage for fun. Make them sensitive to their mothers' moods and keep trying to please them by winning. Have them absolutely burnt out by age eight - yeah... that'll teach them a lesson and prepare them for Life.

• The next time you see a psychiatrist giving a professional opinion of someone's mental health in the press, remember the Goldwater rule: ...in such circumstances, a psychiatrist may share with the public his or her expertise about psychiatric issues in general. However, it is unethical for a psychiatrist to offer a professional opinion unless he or she has conducted an examination and has been granted proper authorization for such a statement.
• Briefly, a psychiatrist can't give an opinion on a person without seeing the person professionally and obtaining permission to talk about it (medical privacy - HIPAA).

From the CIA in 1956, here are the ten states created within an individual during brainwashing. If you remember, this is an open secret: the CIA admitted to it.  When young, I was often told to wash my brain out with soap.

• As you remember, ThermionicEmissions refers to the method by which a vacuum tube operates. Every now and then I slip and offer some information relevant to tubes. This would be one of them: a how to balance a phase inverter video.
• If you're somewhat interested in tubes (valves in the UK), this is probably not your video.
• If you don't give a rat's ass about tubes, this is definitely not your video.
• If you like tube stereo and guitar amps, this runs the possibility of being your video.
• If you feel a sense of satisfaction when you see a squirrel as roadkill, you should probably get some help.

Satirists have left the building. Real life is so weird, they can't come up with anything to compete. An obvious parody tv ad had two people in a boat, fishing. The female was saying that when he said fish, she thought he meant sushi. The commercial is for a dating site for farmers. We're laughing, wondering why they would spend the money to put this on tv. Yes, farmersdating.com, or something like that. We're still laughing. They keep going. We stop laughing... these people are serious. Guys dressed in flannel and jeans, doing flannel and jeans things, with ladies dressed similarly, doing dating things. We're a little too far north and a little too much in the real world for this stuff.

If this service takes off, I see other specialized dating sites:
mailman-dating.com: they talk about their love of shorts and hatred of dogs

convenience_store-dating: open 24/7

police-dating.com: put your hands on the wall, take your clothes off, and do exactly as I say...

corporate_management-dating.com: let's schedule a series of meetings to discuss having sex.

redneck-dating.com: Budweiser delivery to your yard, provided the delivery guy can get past the old appliances and cars on the porch. Call a cousin for romance tonight!

doctor-dating.com: keep a total stranger waiting for two hours at the restaurant.

fireman_dating.com: go to hot places and show someone your hose.


Unfortunately, not all sites succeed:
geek-dating.com: failed because geeks are socially retarded, in person and online

serialkiller-dating.com: failed for obvious reasons

politician-dating.com: who the hell wants to date a politician? Hmmm.. maybe a serial killer....

clothing_designer-dating.com: there's only room for one insufferable drama queen in a relationship

refuse_management_engineer-dating.com: there are no female trash workers

pornstar-dating.com: they didn't like to take their work home.

multiple_personality-dating.com: they couldn't agree on who was dating whom.

depressed-dating.com: failed because none of them could manage the energy necessary to consider it.

• The new Audi has 19 speakers. In order to fit 19 speakers, there were some compromises made: no back seat, only 3 wheels, and no engine. But the sound is great. You can hear Ringo's nose hair flapping when he plays the drums.

Q. How can you tell when police sex is nearing the end?
A. One of them says, "Be on the lookout for bodily spasms."

• a very large pizza chain has announced pizza insurance: if you drop or otherwise mutilate your pie, they'll replace it free. Deductibles apply. Does not cover pepperoni. Not valid with Obamacare.

Unidentified Flying Objects - the Disclosure Debacle

UFO Disclosure

This is gonna be a whopper.

You have been warned.

The government just admitted that the Pentagon spent $22 million, at the behest of Harry Reid, on the study of ufos. People (and radio/tv hosts) are starting to use the D-word --> Disclosure.

I'm here to tell you I smell a rat. That's right, I'm calling Shenanigans.

Things have to be pretty bad before I call Shenanigans.

If you're in the intelligence business or if you like to sound like a badass on Faceyspaces, you refer to this as an OP, meaning operation, or psyop. This is CIA-speak for Running One Past You.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if this bit of news were correct; $22 million was spent on a ufo study in the 2000s. But before we consider the reason for this admission, let me give you a little history, ok?

• In 1947, something went down on a ranch near Roswell, NM. Roswell Army Air Force Base (there was no separate Air Force then) was the first nuclear bomb drop facility in the country. There are official records of debris being flown to Texas and Wright-Patterson AFB, in Ohio, which is a test and research facility. There are hundreds of witnesses on record, some who saw the debris. 
• Shortly after Roswell, there was the Battle Over L.A. Something really huge hovered over Los Angeles. We called out the armed forces, who threw everything, including the kitchen sink, at it, with absolutely no effect. When it was done hovering, it simply went away. This was the first time 'weather balloon' was used as an excuse.
• In 1952, a flotilla of somethings flew over the White House on two consecutive weekends. When the interceptors got close, they disappeared. There are many witnesses and radar traces.
• 1967 At Malmstrom Air Force Base, a large orange light appeared in the sky and came toward the base. Frightened calls were made and the captain went out to see it. And he saw a bright orange light/object flying over the base, in an intelligent matter. Shortly thereafter, he discovered that every one of the nuclear missiles had gone offline. It took days to put them back online.
• In New Years 1980, at a joint UK/US base, over 2 or 3 nights, there were lights and objects flying over and around the (nuclear-equipped) base. One night there was a patrol sent out into Rendlesham Forest to look for the source of the lights. There is a recording available of the leader, narrating as they went along. They watched something land. Some soldiers interacted with it.
• At a school in Ruwa, Zimbabwe, a silver craft landed. There were many witnesses, as well as children who spoke with the being(s) that came out of it.
• Footage from gun cameras, radar traces, reliable human witnesses, pilots, and airports have provided detailed information on sightings and landings. In many cases, a member of the armed forces attended a debriefing, sometimes with unidentified men in dark suits. The men disappear with the evidence and swear everybody to secrecy ("This never happened.")
• When there is an incident in other countries, the US military is frequently called in to help (documented in Mexico, Canada, and Brazil).
• On two occasions, massive ships flew across Phoenix, Arizona - the Phoenix Lights. These humongous black ships flew very slowly and hovered in spots. The government said it was flares. Hovering flares. Mile wide flares that moved in perfect precision.
• In 2008, there were thousands of witnesses to the large object that flew over Stephenville, Texas. Several months later, the Mutual UFO Network (MUFON) released its report. The Air Force said it was reflections, then said there were F-16s on a training mission. The Air Force always knows where its planes are, except when a convenient excuse is required. Even if they weren't lying, there's a very important fact that's not mentioned: the ufo flew near then President George Bush's ranch in Texas. There is a No Fly Zone over the White House and many other important buildings. There is a huge No Fly Zone over the president's ranch, yet this object came close to it. Do you think a ufo would be allowed to breach a No Fly Zone without the equivalent of World War III breaking out in an attempt to protect the president?
• In Socorro, New Mexico, Lonnie Zamora, a police officer, saw a craft on the ground with occupants walking around near it.
• In 2006, something appeared over United Terminal C at Chicago's O'Hare airport. There was obviously no shortage of trained professionals witnessing the event. The object posed a great risk for airplanes taking off and landing. When it was done hovering, it shot up through the clouds and left a hole. Two years later, a witness came forward with his account, pictures and video. The event made the news and promptly disappeared.
• Way up there in Shag Harbour, Nova Scotia, where you can cut the Canadian accent with a knife, something flew into the water. It was spotted by an airplane captain, a ship's captain and crew, and many civilians. More happened than got mentioned in the official reports. A glowing object plunged under water and was chased by the locals and two navies. It was followed by the US Navy, where it watched a second glowing object 'fix' the first one, then both of them flew away into the air.
• As a dummy nuclear missile left its pad at Vandenberg Air Force Base in 1964, a small object maneuvered around it, firing in a beam at several points. The missile failed, taking a dive into the Pacific Ocean. The Air Force has the 35mm film, as seen by Lieutenant Robert Jacobs.
• In 2001, a group of highly qualified witnesses gave testimony at the National Press Club. This was The Disclosure Project. They told of witnessing events that have been suppressed, gave supporting data, and swore that they would testify before Congress, under oath. This was put together by Dr. Steven Greer, an emergency room physician. People feel strongly about Greer, but even if you think he's a fraud, watch the testimony - these people are not frauds.

Do you honestly believe we haven't studied ufos?

This is the Pentagon, backed by the Military Industrial Complex. 

They don't have defense plans and haven't studied crash debris?

The Pentagon, where Colonel Phil Corso picked up bits of alien technology from a filing cabinet, and took it to large corporations, so they could analyze and use the technology. The government is subject to information disclosure laws; the private sector isn't. You can read Colonel Corso's account in his book, The Day After Roswell.

Ben Rich of Lockheed's Skunk Works, which came up with many top secret military planes, said we already have the technology to take ET home.

So Why?

It has not gone unnoticed that a lot of ufo incidents happen around nuclear installations. Is someone trying to tell us something?

One possibility is to reveal that ufos are real, to justify billions of dollars to be spent on defense projects. Billions to the Military Industrial Complex. It sure as hell worked in Iraq, Afghanistan, and countless others.

Some say the government is going to use this study as the prelude to disclosure. Some say this is distraction from other big events, like pedophilia and sexual abuse, going way up the chain.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The US has spent untold amounts of time, money, and effort denying the existence of ufos. There have been three different explanations for Roswell, all full of holes at the time they were offered. People have been threatened, lives have been lost, and a lot of fingers have been pointed to make people look like lunatics. Conspiracy Theorist is a term invented by the CIA for this purpose.

Remember: disclosure is intentional. Nothing happens without it being worth it for the organization.

The definition of ufo is unidentified flying object. Unidentified, meaning we don't know what it is. It says nothing about aliens. It's just that there's something up there. Some of it is ours. Dark projects we simply don't know about. Some of it is not ours.

Zaphod Beeblebrox

The Great Trash Conundrum

I don't know what it is about trash, but I hate it.
Not the idea of trash... taking it out and putting it at the curb.
Come to think of it, I have always hated trash, just not as much as mowing. Now that we have hired a child (damn near) entrepreneur to do the mowing, I can concentrate my hatred more efficiently and totally on trash. This simplifies the entire operation.

It starts a few days before actual trash day. I see the trash in the house and can start to hear it mocking me. It is not pleasant. It starts to grow over the top of the can. A day later it is actively mocking me. I do my best to ignore it because it's still not trash day and to actively see the trash would mean I had to carry it outside and I'm having no part of that. This Active Ignore process is usually ruined by The Commandant, who gently 'reminds' me to take the inside trash outside. This just creates another problem, in that I have to put the wife on Active Ignore. Some people spend most of their marriage with the wife on Active Ignore, justifiably or not.

Due to the expanded load of items on Active Ignore, it becomes too much to bear and I can again hear the trash mocking me, this time even louder, with derisive laughter (Bruce). If I'm very lucky, this process has eaten up enough time that it's the night before trash and I can put everything out anyway.

My city has weird trash laws. No, really... apparently they've got nothing better to do that legislate what time you can put out your trash (the afternoon before) and when the cans have to be off the curb (next morning, latest). Worse than the regulations are the people who follow them to the letter. This would consist of exactly one person, and I use the term 'person' lightly. It's the Crazy Lady, who uses her age (438 this year) to get people to do stuff for her. Some dude pops by at precisely the first moment you can put the bins at the curb and does so. He's obviously a nice guy to do this every week, but it also could be that if he doesn't, she'd talk to him. She has snakes coming out of her head, and most of her body parts have been replaced three or four times, so I wouldn't be in the vicinity either if she spoke. The entire neighborhood is composed of really nice people who do stuff for her. One guy was replacing the roof of her patio. I pleasantly suggested he place an anvil in the roof, ala Wile E. Coyote, and rig it to the door, so when she opens it, BOOM. He looked at me like I was nuts. This is a look that no longer bothers me, as I see it all the time. In fact, I have come to expect and cherish it. They don't know this monster, who has a red phone that goes directly to the city inspectors for when she thinks something is out of spec with my house. This is the lady who reported standing water in my back yard. Standing water was Marshall's pool. It is a rather large, purple-ish thing that leaves no doubt as to its function. I'm sure they had kiddie pools wherever she came from - even the depths of hell, where she might have ruled for a period of time.

Where was I? Oh yeah, trash.
So it's nine or ten pm, the night before trash day. All of the sudden, I remember that trash has to go out. While I still have the same complete lack of enthusiasm for the task, I have no choice. But wait!!! The cans are so incredibly LOUD that I don't want to disturb the entire block. But then again, it would disturb the Crazy Lady. No it won't, she's bloody deaf. Or at least she says she is. Having no choice, I get the trash out. This actually happens without too much grief and aggravation, except for noise. I keep telling myself that wasn't so bad, but by the following week, I'm back to Active Ignore and the process starts anew. 

You think I'm done, don't you?
Nope.
There's the small matter of paper/cardboard recycling. We haven't quite gotten the hang of this yet. Obviously we know paper and cardboard when we see it.. it's just the process. Wife puts the collection basket in a different spot than the trash. And we always generate a lot of paper, overwhelming the poor basket. So every time I go to take this stuff to its can, it all leaps out of the basket, all over me, then into the can, except for the seventeen small bits of paper that lands on the ground. This is only a small issue, as it's completely dark and I can't see the ground. At this point, I receive help from an unlikely source: another neighbor. This fellow is a paranoid schizophrenic and has motion detecting lights, to detect when someone is vandalizing his car. He's a very nice guy and there were people vandalizing his car - the embodiment of "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." His light guides the way to the bits of paper on the ground.  Every week, when this nonsense is done, I swear to the wife that we need a better system for this. And every week she agrees. And every week (for over ten years), I take the same basket out, with the same result.

And this is why we had to hire someone to mow; because if trash seems like an endless house of horrors, it's nothing compared to mowing.

Just don't get me started on cleaning the house.

• Another of the World's Smallest Books: Hot Policewomen on COPS

This week's Marshall news:  This was a between week, so it was blood work. He's been turning his head quickly, beating himself to death with his own flaps. This is indicative of ear problems. At the oncologist, we asked if they could look at his ears. The nurse said.. "uhhh..... no. That's a doctor visit - you'll have to call your vet."

WTF?

So Marshall stopped to visit the vet, with steaming parents. The vet takes a look, plays with her Vet Chemistry Set, and delivers the happy news: Marshall has not one, but three separate ear infections. He has single-pawedly generated three separate bills in one day. Not only is he incredibly smart, he's incredibly talented too.  Now, if he could only use these talents to make some money...

• I  have seen some weird stuff on tv, but the winner of the name contest has to be Peaky Blinders. I don't even want to watch it with that stupid a title. I did make the mistake of watching it with the wife, which was, as I said, a mistake. Good old fashioned (very old) fistfights with Irish accents. No thanks; I can see that at work every day.
• Speaking of television, this weeks award for Best Spoken Phrase goes to one of those pregnant teen shows for the line, "Nobody told me it was so easy to get pregnant." This was closely followed by one of the mothers of the teens, who said, "Quite honestly, I wasn't surprised."

Have you ever met a person named Ignatius?
Neither have I.

• Please look carefully at your email. Phishing is out of control this holiday season. A great rule of thumb, used by me personally, is NO. Just don't. Don't open it, don't read it, and don't click on it. Since I'm one of four people on the planet who do this, I'll make a few recommendations for the rest of you:
• if some huge retail outlet sends you an email offering free this or sale that, hover your mouse over the link to see if it really goes to where it says. Better yet, go directly to their website - do not click on the link. Anything they're trying to sell you will be on their page.
• if an email asks you for money or personal/credit card details, DON'T. Period. Whether it's a Nigerian prince or Sears, don't.
• be suspicious of bad spelling or wording. No legitimate concern is going to send you anything with bad grammar or spelling.
• if there is a file attachment, don't open it.
• if the email is from a friend and looks weird or has an unknown attachment, get in touch with them to make sure they sent it, instead of being spoofed or hacked.
• if the email is from anyone under 25, delete it. People under 25 don't recognize the validity of email, instead preferring Faceyspaces. They'll send you their dopey pictures and pithy ramblings online.

Don't forget: there are only 400 days til next Christmas. Shop early.

• Researchers have discovered an unprotected database containing 1.8 billion posts collected by a Department of Defense contractor, who didn't secure the Amazon Cloud Storage correctly. This is why we do not ask the government to protect us. In fact, we need protection from the government.

There's a new method to lock your phone that uses your face. No, it's not the new one... it works like this: the phone takes one look at my face and locks itself out of fear and sheer terror. Unfortunately it also locks if you have ugly friends or relatives, or a particularly unsightly child.

• Here's a chilling headline: "Senators introduce USA Liberty Act." No good can come from this. The trick to deciphering any legislation is to read it. If you can't or won't, look at the title. The bill's effect will be the opposite of the title, hence Liberty Act is designed to take away your liberty, just like the Patriot Act. 

This week we said goodbye to that nice Charlie Manson. Unfortunately I haven't had time to put together a musical tribute, but he did present songs to the Beach Boys and others, plus he believed the Beatles were speaking to him (Helter Skelter).

The man was raised by wolves. Actually that's not fair to wolves. His (single) mom was a prostitute and not really present or a good parent. He was in California and happened to be close to a known CIA mind control facility. Considering his hypnotic influence on followers and famous people, along with the unbelievable horror of his crimes, you might consider that there could be more than a coincidence in his location. I do not know if any mental health worker ever spoke to him during his incarceration, as they did Sirhan "please call me Sirhan" Sirhan.

Who'd have thought that permanently scrawling a swastika in your forehead would get you denied parole every time?

• Speaking of goodbye, we bid a fine farewell to Malcolm Young, founder of AC/DC. Malcolm left the band recently because he was diagnosed with dementia and could no longer play. He was 67. For my money, he was the best rhythm guitar player in the business. The band is still touring. I believe his brother, Angus, of the schoolboy uniform, is the only original member.

would you eat a burger from this mascot?

Don't Forget to Change Your... never mind

I can't figure this time change out.
Arizona is a great place for a number of reasons, one of them being no time change.

One of the many reasons I love my mom is that she always reminds me to change the clock.
I remembered on my own this time (you'd think I'd have it down after all these years) and that's where things got weird(er)....
I set my alarm clock back.
Phones set themselves back automatically, but I had to set a new alarm. I typed in 7:30am and it changed to 8:30am. If I start an hour late, that wouldn't be good. No amount of fiddling would set the correct time.
So this morning, the phone went off an hour early. When the alarm clock went off, at the correct time, the display ran an hour late.
It's a wonder I get anything done at all.

• The governor of Texas says he thinks the recent church shooting was not random: the shooter had a connection to the church. He declined to elaborate further. When I have a problem with my family or church, I let them know. Usually without an automatic weapon.
• His mother-in-law worshipped there. He sent her threatening texts. Who among us hasn't sent their mother-in-law threatening texts?

I'm trying to tune into bias in news. It's not difficult to find, especially MSM - mainstream media. We know who CNN/NBC/CBS are playing for. We know who Fox is playing for. We know that, like politicians, none of them is playing for US.

Today I was listening to NPR interview the attorney general of Texas, who recommended concealed carrying to church. The interviewer sounded like the top of his head was going to come off and his heart was leaping out of his body. I hope they got those professional crime scene cleaners in afterwards.

• A woman in New York is blaming her car's GPS for leading her straight into a river. It's a shame it didn't tell her to shoot herself.

ME: I'm looking for the Q file. Is that in the 2017 set?
COWORKER: We should be able to find them all.
COWORKER: But we don't see a lot of Q.
ME: answer the ($&#ing question! My wife could kill you and no one would ever find your body.

• The latest game from our friends at the CIA is "What's on Osama bin Laden's Hard Drive?"  
• I'll take porn for $500, Bob.  You're right - everybody has porn!
• Copyrighted material: Cars, Chicken Little
• National Geographic and CNN documentaries on himself - no selfies?
• Many of the documents contained malware, proving 'criminal masterminds' are every bit as security conscious as 'plain schmucks'.
• The irony is that the CIA gave us bin Laden

Ever wonder how Faceyspaces figures out everyone you've ever met?
No.

• So that Equifax leak... security expert Bruce Schneier testified in front of Congress on the topic. Very interesting read.

If you purchased a Mantistek gaming keyboard, don't worry; it is not sending your keystrokes to China. It is sending the number of keystrokes to China. That's much better, isn't it?

• A Qatar Airways flight from Doha to Bali made an unscheduled stop in India. A lady used her sleeping husband's finger to unlock his phone and discovered evidence of infidelity. She very calmly started beating him, forcing the plane to land. 

A man in Germany went out for a beer. While out, Alexa (the Amazon spy device personal assistant) decided to have a party on its own. Alexa, for some reason, decided to play very loud music after 1am. The police had a locksmith break in and install new locks. They turned off the music. When the man returned home, he had to go to the police station, where there was a nice sized bill and keys waiting for him. Amazon has not commented on the incident. It turns out Alexa was partying with all the other Alexas on the block. Amazon told it where they were, their mean income, members of the household, and their sexual histories.

• Faceyspaces has a program to stop revenge porn. This means the lawyers have spoken. Get this: they want you to upload your personal porn, so they can keep a record of it in case someone tries to upload it later. They were instructed to CC me also. If you too want to be on the CC line, contact me with your email address and a small contribution for the Marshall Vet Bill Fund.

Only eleven percent of cyber workers are women. Kaspersky conducted a survey, which found out 52% did not have any interest in cyber, and 45% didn't have any idea what it was. 57% did not have any experience in coding. Kaspersky said 'This suggests a need for young girls to have access to advice and information about the industry at a younger age so they don't rule it out in favor of more traditional occupations.' We must siphon them off before they become lawyers or Victoria's Secret salespeople.

What is the mad rush to get women in the field? If you think about it, this is sexist. What other groups are being pushed to be hired? Homosexuals? Asians? Seventh Day Adventists? The homeless?

If I were an interviewer or staff (I have been both), I'd want the best and brightest- the most competent for the job. I don't care about gender, hobbies, skin color, or niche sexual practices (well, a little). There is no oversight, although People of Color and Hispanics are keeping track, at very least. One boss told me specifically that left-handedness was not to be a criterion (bastard).

As is painfully evident, I love women. I've worked with quite a number of them; all of whom answered ads and were interviewed and vetted. They got no special treatment - they were the best person for the job. As a result, they became team members.




Let's hit the Wayback Machine [woooo music]....
I'm in sixth grade or so. I sit next to a pretty cool girl and we talk. I ask pointy questions and she's very difficult to make turn red, so she's a challenge. Apparently she's not the only challenge.

I'm a bit thick. And when I say a bit thick, I'm bloody clueless about women. Most people are, but I have an extra layer of oblivious, that makes me even more special. If a woman were to sit next to me and put her hand on my genitals, while keeping her gaze locked on me and licking her lips, I'd wonder what her hand was doing there - is it possible she doesn't know she put it there? I would then proceed to let her know, very gently, that her hand was there, in case she didn't know. To this day, my wife laughs and repeatedly notes how out in space I am when women are attracted to me. At shows, she'd watch and comment later on the blondes who were chatting me up. Huh? What blondes? The ones you were ignoring while trying to pack up and get out of there. What blondes? Huh? So I'm a bit thick.

One day my little friend and I are sitting in home room, talking away. It occurs to me that she's wearing a shirt that.... her top was fashioned in such a way.... the shirt had prominent..... HOLES in it. Well, not holes exactly... kinda like a sweater, but knitted in a very loose way so there were 1/4" empty squares all over it. There were more intentional holes than yarn.

I thought about this for 1/4 of a second, wondering the purpose of this, and noting that there was no support garment underneath it. Ever the pussy gentleman, I asked her if she knew there were holes in her shirt.

It would be fair to say that even if the poor girl had a baseball bat and took it to my head while explaining why she wore the shirt, I still wouldn't have understood.

Regardless of how incredibly oblivious I was, I could not stop examining those bits of shirt where there was no material.