What Do You Mean We Haven't Flattened the Curve?

Your love is like a brief, 3 week virus that lasted a year

The Pope, a lightning rod lately, for his stance on gay marriage, is a great civil rights supporter and just hired his first black cardinal. Cardinal Twenny Five Cent said that he was proud to be at this place at this time in history, and greatly looked forward to performing the duties of his office, if the pope would ever tell him what they were. He stated that we're all one color and wanted to stress this in his teachings, if his job required teachings.

The Pope, a great civil rights supporter, ordered a celebratory dinner of fried chicken, watermelon, and grape soda. Cardinal Twenny, as well as the rest of the Vatican, was aghast.

The cardinal doesn't expect to be in office very long, once the pope discovers he doesn't like little boys.

Today I identify as  artificial sweetener

Russian interference into the upcoming election continues. The data on every American voter is available on a Dark Web site, but no one can afford it.

Dear lefty 

• Any election predictions?
• one guy will win, the others will lose
• people will be very angry, claiming shenanigans for 25 years to come
• sheep and babies will be nervous
• Trump will claim victory regardless, Biden will claim it's a good night for a colonoscopy
• there will be uncomfortable moments, when voters air their grievances; half with pitchforks, half with AR14s.

HIM and HER

HER: You know, I've been waiting 2 years for you to put together this noisemaking sculpture for the front yard.

HIM: 2 years huh?

HER: 2 whole years.

HIM: Maybe there's a reason.

HER: Like what?

HIM: I don't want yet another noisemaker in the front yard and I'm trying to spare the neighbors.

HER: Aw, but it's beautiful and sounds wonderful.

HIM: That's what you said about the last 17 of them.

HER goes out, probably shoe shopping. 

HIM figures he'll score a few points by assembling the hideous noisemaking sculpture that he hasn't put together for 2 years. Maybe he'll get a bj out of it (he's reaching for the stars).

HIM secures all the parts, some larger than the car, and way louder. There sure are a lot of parts to this. He spreads them all over the floor so he can put the thing together. Ummm... there are no instructions, not even IKEA instructions. There's not even a picture so he knows what it's supposed to look like.

HER: Ooooh! Thank you so much for putting together my sculpture!

HEM: Well, let's say I tried. There are no instructions. Not even a picture on the box.

HER: Oh, that's because I put them away.

HIM: You put them away?

HER: Yeah, I didn't want them to get lost.

HIM: Like they are now?

HER: I have them somewhere. I just have to look.

HIM: Had you considered, maybe, putting them with the actual parts themselves? The Space Shuttle can't miss those parts.

HER: I have a system. 

HIM: And how's that workin' out for ya? Well, don't say that I held this up.

• The state of South Australia is the first in the world to be 100% solar energy-supplied
• Obviously, a war is near.

If I had personalities, they'd be at war right now. More and more, I'm trying to cut out some of the more extreme negativity and just use my own (there's enough to power small planets). Yesterday I went to watch one of my favorites, Richard Dolan, and came across a real winner. Regrettably, I have to recommend this. I don't know how this guy sleeps, with all the territory he covers, and the information he comes up with.

CBP Refuses to Tell Congress How it is Tracking Americans Without a Warrant

Hubris like this belongs to Microsoft and Apple. This is your government, you're paying for it, and it feels it doesn't have to tell you things. Why is Customs and Border Patrol tracking Americans? Imagine what the other departments aren't telling you...

Is It Possible that our governments are forward-thinking and not filled with  complete idiots?

Plans were made to give early shots to Santa Clauses.

Nope, not possible.

Asian giant hornets can wipe out a colony of honeybees in hours. The first colony was discovered in the US, and taken out with a vacuum hose. As is government today, one of them was fitted with a tracking device.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia, the mayor said that it's racist to kill Asian giant hornets and they have sanctuary in Philly, along with the illegal aliens. He said the Asian bees are smarter than the American bees because they study harder and the American bees are fat and lazy.

• Louisiana Calls Out National Guard to Fight Ransomware Surge
• is it possible Louisiana has had one too many floods? 

Blood 

The strangest thing happened today: the doctor's office called. This was an actual medical professional, not the guy who vacuums the cobwebs from the door frames. My results from 3 days back were in: I'm dead. I should not be walking around with my blood the way it is. They're sending a meat wagon to the house later today.

Mrs lefty tried to look upset and asked veiled questions about sufficient life insurance.

Penny will not like it when Backup Mom goes away.

I have mixed feelings. If you try to live by logical principles, this dead thing does not square with actual life. Would I be blogging from beyond the veil? Would Mrs lefty hear when I speak? Would City Council continue to ignore me?

Online folks would say, "Oh, I knew he was dead a long time ago" or "His tweets have lacked that living thing lately." 

The only truly sad person would be the pizza guy. I tithe to him. 

In spite of my lack of living state, the doctor would like to see me, either to pronounce me dead or to touch me. I'm not touched by my wife, no less a physician. On the bright side, it would not be a telemedicine visit. Cuz I'm not going to telemed anymore, even dead.

• I am not trying to be That Guy, but I'm wondering how differently kids will grow up, with all the information at their fingertips. Technology will be automatic to them, and the answer to every question will be a search away. This beats the hell out of having to go to the [gasp] library. How will the kids be different? Will they be intellectually stupid? Will they be advanced? Will they still use Google?

A man stole a bulldozer and ran down Biden signs.

Although I prefer tanks, the ballot box is still up - stop being an ass....

• Multiple witnesses notice strange lights over Hawaii sparking UFO frenzy
• can we stop the information hoarding already? 

Happys 

Bootsy Collins

Jon Anderson - Yes

Chad Smith - RHCP, Chickenfoot

Bill Wyman - Rolling Stones

Bye Byes 

Paul Barrere - Little Feat - the end of several eras

Jack Bruce

The Teachers Need to Stop Insisting Johnny Wear a Dress to School

Your love is like large bags of broken glass, cascading over my body

Dear lefty 

• Why do you look so God-awful tired?
• there's too much blood in my coffee stream 

Heard any Biden jokes? Study of late-night comics finds few

This isn't hearsay or me popping off about something. This is a pure example of the owned press putting out the official agenda. 97% of Colbert and Fallon jokes in September targeted Trump.

Today I identify as  space debris

Remember Nazca, the site in Peru, with all the land drawings, only viewable from above? They just found a cat. I suspect it was trying to trip some of the other drawings.

I can make my neighbors mow their lawn. No, really... watch:

"Gee, it's delightfully quiet and I believe I have a conference call in a few minutes." 

• IKEA will start re-purchasing its furniture, for recycling.
• tear it down and give it to them with their own instructions 

Russian Interference in the election continues, as a number of people ask if there are any McDonalds in Russia.

It was just discovered that if you tell it to wipe private data about you, Chrome doesn't wipe Google and Youtube data. Shocking. I'd suggest a 3rd party extension. Better yet, don't use Chrome (Opera, Vivaldi, etc). Google: "It is a programming error - it will be fixed."

Seriously - do you think I tell you not to trust Google because I make stuff up? 

 

• the dog thinks she's Julie Andrews
• sometimes it's ok to just let things go...

How am I feeling?

 I'm glad you asked. I'm a lot less dizzy: I gave it to Mrs lefty.

It's been a few weeks, so the Pentagon is ready for another game of Fleece the Public. It's going to cost $98.5 billion to replace those poor, aging intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs). We cannot maintain land and air superiority without ICBMs. Since the president went ahead and weaponized space assured us space superiority without asking us, we cannot fall behind on land and air. After all, we don't want to have to go home, crying to our parents because all the other countries have them and ours are older than Cher. 

Some, including former Defense Secretary William J. Perry, argue that U.S. national security can be ensured without ICBMs, but the Pentagon says they are vital to deterring war, and Secretary Perry seems to have gone missing.

Last month the Air Force awarded Northrop Grumman a $13.3 billion contract for engineering and manufacturing development of the new missiles. Still, nobody asked us, but at least they won another game of Fleece the Public.

Had there not been a decision to continue feeding the Military Industrial Complex (stop that unpatriotic laughing), we'd have hundreds of Really Deep Holes, all over the country. We'd have to find something else to do with them...

• bomb-proof low income housing
• really really big milkshake makers
• a pretty serious game of hide and seek
• Madonna's career
• a place to keep all the ballots
• load the missiles with Top 10 hits: that should be enough to subjugate any country

aside from religious loons and horrible mistakes, I can't imagine any of these being fired off, from any side.

Flying AIDS 

Mouthwash, baby shampoo deactivate coronaviruses, may slow spread of COVID-19

also nose wash, shoe shine, and that antiperspirant that draws women to you 

Things will get better in the winter! In a surprise announcement, the CDC said the Flying AIDS will not last in the air as long in winter. It turns out the virus gets cold, puts on its coat, and falls immediately to the ground, saving anyone breathing in the immediate vicinity.

Bored of Flying AIDS news and desperate to bolster tourism, the Carolinas announced that flesh-eating bacteria in the ocean is killing people. Come to the Carolinas - Where the Flying AIDS Won't Get You! 

• Televangelist Pat Robertson said God told him President will win, then an asteroid will hit Earth
• Hey Pat: ask your doctor about antipsychotics

Mrs lefty is watching one of her Horrible Movies. This one rates 2 stars, so it's not just me. There are creatures, because there are always creatures. The townsfolk, out of pitchforks and torches, need to find another way to kill the creatures. They decide on radiation.

2 of our heroes are getting prepared. We can't help notice they look like very large condoms, with aluminum foil and some pool hoses attached. We also agree this outfit would be kinda sexy, in the right light. They turn some knobs and get out some radioactive material. Even after flunking out of chemistry class (ok, twice), I know that giant condoms will not protect you from radiation. Perhaps they were married and taking the easy way out.

How does one flunk out of chemistry (twice), you ask?

• I learned it is bad form to bring in substances not on the Periodic Table
• Do not refer to teacher's lunch as not appearing on the Periodic Table
• Do not complain about not getting any because your girlfriend is on her Periodic Table.

The Pope, eager to stay on ThermionicEmissions, announced support for same-sex civil unions; that 'Homosexuals have right to be part of family'  (assuming one of them is a young boy).

Happys 

Steve Cropper - Booker T

Elvin Bishop - guitar

Steve Lukather - Toto

The Flying AIDS - Let's Vacuum the Lawns

 

Your love is like  trying to get diagnosed for anything other than the Flying AIDS

Russian interference in the upcoming election has reached a new pace, with people sending laptops out for service.

Who saw this coming? A free speech rally in San Francisco turned into a melee as counterprotesters surged into the area and attacked. Because we can't have any of that free speech in this country: it might hurt somebody's feelings. Isn't it wonderful when you have so many useful idiots to do your job for you? They had to leave early because they were attacking a gun rights rally. The free speech group wasn't much brighter, referring to free speech on Twitter.

Today I identify as kitty litter

• Philly police are investigating after a man was found dead in a vacant lot. The mayor himself is leading the investigation, because the body wasn't wearing a mask.

As navy divers attempted to defuse a WWII bomb in Poland, it exploded.

Officials said the divers were ok and the object can be considered as neutralized. Comedians the world over added another Polish joke to their bag.

In unrelated news, the Polish government said the Nagasake bomb is considered neutralized.

Dear lefty 

• Will the incoming first lady [FLOTUS] have implants?
• Only if Donald Trump wins re-election 

Hello, Giant Practice Doctors' office.

Can I speak to Dr. Brown?

Let me see... I think we have a Dr. Brown. What's the problem?

I really didn't want to bother him, but my wife insisted. I have a really deep cut in my leg.

Nobody is allowed to talk to the doctors, but I can set you up with a telemedicine appointment with his janitor.

I hate to bother anybody with this but I'd prefer maybe someone with actual medical experience.

Ok, let me see.... how about his nurse?

The cut is really deep, as I said.

Ok, I can schedule a telemedicine visit with his nurse practitioner next Monday.

I feel so bad for bothering the doctor's practice, but the spurting blood is causing a bit of a mess on the carpets. 

Ok, I can fit you in tomorrow, first thing, is that ok?

Thank you very much.

NEXT MORNING

How can I help you?

Well, you see, it's my leg. There's a somewhat deep cut.

Oh, I see. Let me set you up for a test.

Is there a lot of bloodwork?

No, this is just for the Flying AIDS

Well don't I need other tests, like typhoid and tetanus?

Let's do first thing first: we'll set you up for a Flying AIDS test tomorrow morning.

I don't want to denigrate your kindness and caring, but what if I die first? Can't I just come into the office?

No, I'm sorry, but spurting blood from cuts is a symptom of the Flying AIDS and we can't expose our practice to that sort of thing.

But I have no breathing problems or fever.

There are other Flying AIDS symptoms.

You mean any odd symptoms people call with?

Exactly.

Schedule me for tomorrow morning, please.

NEXT MORNING

Mr Johnson, this is the doctors' office, your Flying AIDS test came back negative.

I see. Thank you. What should I do about the continued bleeding from the cut in my leg.

Do you want me to ask his nurse practitioner?

If it's convenient.

..... I checked with the nurse practitioner and she said to get plenty of rest, elevate the leg, and drink fluids.

But I'm bleeding all over the place.

If you still feel bad after a few days of bleeding, call back and we'll schedule another telemedicine appointment with the nurse practitioner.

What if I feel myself slipping away outside of telemedicine hours?

If you feel there are any serious issues outside of office hours, call the emergency room and they'll set you up with a telemedicine appointment. You see, telemedicine is the future. Everybody really likes it and it's convenient, provided you don't ask the patients.

But what if I need to see an actual doctor?

Well, no. There's no provision for that. It's not built into the system- the doctors wouldn't go for it.

But what about all the near-fatal injuries?

Oh, they're swiftly converted into fatal injuries, but only during telemedicine calls with the ambulance or emergency room.

And this helps who....?

The doctors, initially, but we expect a better long-term outcome. This will make the entire country more careful.

And how is that?

Because people would need to decide between being safe or exposing themselves to our telemedicine system.

Microsoft just force restarted my Windows PC again to install more unwanted apps.

I explored Windows 10 thoroughly, so I could speak intelligently, and ranted in an earlier installment of ThermionicEmissions. I said it was an advertising platform that you pretty much rented and it should have started a stampede away to a different operating system. Few listened (to me or the industry, but the industry didn't seem to be as alarmed as me). Like Google and Faceyspaces, you are the product. Read again: you do not own your operating system. At least with earlier versions of Windows, you sort-of owned it (backdoors aside). Now you're locked into a fee for software system. Great for Microsoft, crappy for the users.

Again, nobody is stopping you from going elsewhere. The way to go is either Mac or linux. You can test out almost all linuxes without bothering your existing computer. I can't tell you much about Mac. 

Interesting article on vitamin supplements and the Flying AIDS.

It is obviously science-based, as well as a bit of common sense.

‘I hugged the man who murdered my father’

-Put a moment of thought into this, please. If someone did something horrible to you, do you have to forgive them? It obviously worked for this lovely woman, but I can't imagine it.

• Today's legal question: GM's Cruise driverless car won a permit from the Department of Motor Vehicles to run up to 6 self-driving taxis.
• When the inevitable happens, and we hope that no one gets hurt, who gets sued?
• This might be your first opportunity to watch yourself crash! 

Hellos 

Patrick Simmons - The Doobies

Chuck Berry

Billy Cox - played with Jimi Hendrix - the only one alive

Michael Hassock - The Doobies

David St Hubbins - Spinal Tap

Pino Palladino - John Meyer, The Who

Tom Petty

Snoop Dogg

Bye Byes 

Steve Gaines, Ronnie Van Zandt, Cassie Gaines - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Merle Travis

SJW Scratch 

Mathematical Association of America:

It is time for all members of our profession to acknowledge that mathematics is created by humans and therefore inherently carries human biases. 

 

The Ants. They Are Winning. HAHAHAHA!

 

Your love is like  this blog, after an encounter with Faceyspaces

• How do you know things are really bad?
• Canada's Trudeau closes the border until you get the Flying AIDS under control. Viral Americans, eh? With their guns and their unfashionable fashion sense.
• Credit where it's due: Trudeau has always looked better in a dress.

Russian interference in the election continues, as Vladimir Putin, Ruler for Life, touts a second unproven Flying AIDS vaccine. One must admit that it's much easier to get vaccines approved when you're Ruler for Life. If you're merely president, there's so much bribing of regulatory agencies to be overseen.

What makes Putin's vaccines so interesting is their delivery system. No one ever sees them going in and no one notices, til the body turns up (radioactive).

Dear lefty  

• Who is going to win the election?
• Vladimir Putin - unless someone interferes

NASA is giving $14.1 million to Nokia to build a 4G cellular network. On the moon. You and I know they can do this, but they will need some fresh excuses as to why the service sucks: 

• it's cloudy - nope
• water got into the junction box - nada
• you don't have a clear view of the tower - still nope
• the technology is still very new - ahhhhh...nope
• if we can't make it work well on Earth, what do you expect on the Moon? - we have a winner!
• it's much slower in a vacuum
• the signal only weighs 1/6 of its Earth weight, so it doesn't move very fast
• the Moon has a much smaller radius, and the signal wants to roam free
• wait til we get some more towers up
• do you like the fake vegetation on our towers?

Every now and then we are afflicted with a dose of Stupid.

Last time, it was people parking on train tracks. Now it's people flying drones or jetpacks at airports. It's a bird - It's a plane - it's another moron in a jetpack! Guys - if you're going to test out your jetpacks, why not do it someplace safe, like a missile testing range?

• If mental health pills had calories, some of us would never have to eat.

The good news: there is now a 5 minute Flying AIDS test

The bad news: results have to go through the US Postal Service, so they will still take weeks.

Southeastern Pennsylvania has some bizarre names: Street Road, King of Prussia, Blue Bell, Blue Ball, and Intercourse. What are some of yours? 

Today I identify as  a cup of tea. A nice cup of tea. Some lemon, some sugar.

Why do I spend half of my work time desperately trying to stay awake, then when I'm off, I don't need the nap I've been.. errr... dreaming of.

And the results are  the proprietor of ThermionicEmissions does not have the Flying AIDS. That's a very good 24 hour turnaround.

As far as the doctor's office is concerned, all is well.

As far as Mrs lefty and I are concerned, this is an unholy waste of time.

I called complaining of a long fever and dizziness. They sent me for a Flying AIDS test. Ok, cover your ass, I get it. Now, about my actual complaint....??  Oh, get lots of rest and liquids. If you still have a fever, we can have another telemed visit.

This is medical care? I have to ask about the fever? They'll schedule another televisit if the fever continues?  No. Oh, everybody loves telemedicine - this is the way things are going.  Heaven help us.

Happys

Fred Turner - Bachman Turner Overdrive

Bob Weir - Dead but not dead

Flea - Chili Peppers

John Mayer - statisticians have discovered the 3 women on Earth he hasn't slept with (yet). Taylor Swift has 4 albums of Mayer songs in the can.

SJW Attacks 

Disney updates content warning for racism in classic films

Yo - dis movie diss POCs because White Privilege 

Lady and the Tramp has been pulled from Disney's roster over the depiction of cocker spaniels as spaghetti hounds.

Who Came Up With Anal Sex?

Apologies from the staff of ThermionicEmissions.

For reasons not known even by Google (blogspot owner), they changed the blogging interface that I see. This made it confusing as to what was and wasn't published. It also introduced change just for the sake of change - there were no improvements. So things might be out of order here and there. I'll try to keep things straight manually.  

-thanks

Anal Sex
Think about it.
Modern caveman?
Modern Frenchman?
Modern homosexual?
Hey, this feels great....  What if I put my..  I wonder if that feels great.
OWWWWWWWWWWWWW
It does. At least for me.


Your love is like  eating an ironing board


I'm sick.
No, not that way.
I'm at work and noticed the room spinning more than normal.
Men aren't sick until a woman tells them, so I asked Wife, who said I'm burning up. Alright then...  I'm sick.
Do I take the nighttime cold remedy or the daytime cold remedy? Do I even have a cold? Aside from spinning and fever, there are no symptoms. Spinning and fever are more than enough, though.

Feed a cold, starve a fever?
Starve a cold, feed a fever?
Whatever it is, give it chocolate. This is a solid concept.

I'm perfectly clear in the head, so why not, while the room is spinning, pick up the soldering iron? Maybe a blowtorch or sawzall? Maybe a long sit on a long couch. Yeah, that's it. I tried playing the guitar, but we were both spinning in different directions. This might be ok for hit music, but I have my standards.

What I've found that helps is zinc, vitamin c, and echinacea. I'm taking so many pills I don't have to eat. I want to read what's in the nighttime medicine, but even the ants have to put on glasses. Mrs lefty just announced she feels sick. She always copies off me. Can't I just be sick for a very short while before she gets sick? On the bright side, my napping has gone nuclear.

I believe in sitting and resting while sick, which feeds right into my love of sitting and resting in general. When Mrs lefty is sick. I tell her not to run around. She says, "I'm not running." A man's gotta know his limitations.

Whatever I had enjoyed messing with me.
I said that I'd like at least one day of my 3 day weekend free, and I could feel it saying, "Well, that's not totally unreasonable" and moving away. Next morning, I was as bad as the first day. Now it's Back to Work, with the Industrial strength vise (mostly) unclamped from my skull. No, it wasn't the Flying AIDS, sorry.

I called my doctor. They asked me if I ever did telemedicine. Unfortunately. The doctor doesn't want me coming to the office because I'm sick. 2020 is weirder than I thought.

While relaying this to Mrs lefty, one of the kids popped out and asked, "Who's going to take care of me if you die?" Apparently I'm good for something.

• It's been a year since my dad died.  
• Sonofabitch. 
• He had a lot of nerve having all that cancer.

Russian interference in the upcoming election continues, when Irina Teplitzki asked her friend how hard it is to speak English.

• Colin Kaepernick calls for abolishing police and prisons in new essay series
• Colin Kaepernick can spell 'essay'? 

Archbishop Burns Altar ... After Priest Has Sex in Church

Pope in TED talk: Earth cannot be squeezed ‘like an orange'

Still no word on child molesting



Today I identify as  a KitchenAid mixer



Today President Trump received the endorsement of the Taleban.

"We hope he will win the election" and withdraw U.S. troops

Ever think you'd be agreeing with the Taleban?





Dear lefty

• You like boobies, right?
• It's my main area of focus 
• Do I ask my date if I can touch them?
• Are you on any lists or anything?

There's a hair loss commercial, wherein you put on a cap full of LEDs that brings your hair back. It's only $800. No. I've worn hats all my life and lost my hair. I hear it runs on your mother's side, so I'm suing her. So does alzheimer's disease. This suit will be unprecedented.



Coinbase has had it: I posted before that they were giving up on politics, and if any employee, didn't like that, they were free to leave, with some sort of severance packet. 5% left. The best part of this were the screeching, fainting commentators.

• Since Silicon Valley leans left, you're saying, "It's not ok to lean left."
• “When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.”

Do they sit up at night and think this shit up? Does it flow naturally, with all the rest of the noise excreted from their oral cavity? I've been working for quite a long time and never once was I given leave to go support a social cause. You wanna talk privilege? These whining children, who think 'work' is just an extension of 'home' for their cause, whatever their cause is.

I think Coinbase is well within their rights to want a dollar's work for a dollar's pay. Deal with your personal social causes on your personal social time. Imagine a company not wanting to be involved in any of this, then taking crap for it.

• Have you noticed that the newspapers crowing that Lord Zuck finally removed Holocaust deniers are the same ones who had a fit when Faceyspaces wasn't 100% free speech?

Happys

Paul Simon - Art Garfunkel's pal
Sammy Hagar
John Denver
Daryl Hall - John Oates' pal

Walking the Plank in the Highest Fashions

Your love is like  carbonized burgers from the grill



The National Highway and Transportation Safety Board, a bunch of wet blankets if there ever were one, is looking into the Chevy Bolt after merely three fires.

Chevrolet is flummoxed, yes, flummoxed.
They are going to change their advertising: In a Chevy Bolt, you're never cold! The perfect electric car for the winter!

When alerted about the investigation, Chevy asked what the problem was.
The NHTSA said it was the unfortunate propensity of the cars to burst into flames.

"That's a feature, not a bug," said Chevy
Not while there are people in it, said the NHTSA
"Think of the warmth during winter!"
What do you call it during the summer?
"Somebody left the heat on."
And the car burned down?
Yeah, we're still working on that ad slogan. Still, it's a very warm car.
It certainly is - 3 of them have burnt right up.
Yeah, well, they have, but look at all the Bolts that haven't burnt up.
We here at the NHTSA are here to protect the public.
Ok, ok, you've told us. It's only 3. Can you stop this silly investigation?
Each one of them started in the battery compartment.
That's part of our Warm Car initiative.
It's right under the passenger compartment.
Well, we can't keep people warm if the fire... sorry.. warmth... is by the tires, can we?
One caught fire while charging, at people's houses.
Yeah, well, we want to keep their houses warm too.
Another caught fire 20 minutes after being parked.
It's obviously an adjustment of the Warmth Delay control.
The last burst into flames at an insurance auction yard.
Chevy is known the world over for its safety record.
These 3 cars caught on fire.
But nobody was hurt or killed.
That's hardly the point.
It is the point. At Chevy, we put safety first.
How is cars randomly bursting into flame putting safety first?
Well, there were only 3 and no one was hurt.
Look, if you're riding down the street in your brand new Chevy Bolt and it self-ignites, that's hardly a safety feature.
Nah, it's warmth in the cold.
In Arizona?
Look... maybe they just had an ice cream and were feeling chilly. Could happen.
And their car bursting into flames will keep them warm?
Now you're getting it.
What if they're charging their car and it goes up?
Advertising.
Advertising?
Yes. All of the sudden, people all around will come rushing to the car. Advertising.
What about the car?
Well, naturally we'll replace it. Minus certain charges.
Is there anybody older than you around?
My daddy said not to bother him when he's by the pool with Aunt Brenda. She floats all by herself. Dad said it's her pontoons.
....click



Today I identify as  meat




Australia, Canada, Japan, Luxembourg, Italy, the UAE, and the US have joined together to return to the moon. They have agreed to a 10 point plan, 8 of which are top secret and you're not allowed to know:

• Everybody gets t-shirts that say "We've done this before, haven't we?"
• I don't care if he comes up to you and offers you a coke: what you saw was not an alien
• Luxembourg? 

Dear lefty  

• Did they really change the blogger's view layout
• Why yes, they did. They went out of their way to hide the most used functions and make any semblance of usefulness useless.
• What was improved in the new, improved view?
• As best I can tell, nothing. It was a solution looking for a problem.
• Are there any new features?
• Yes, I can add a video, and spend twice as long getting to basic functions.
• Is it personal? Are they out to get you? Are you, like Sir Robin, going to bravely turn your tail and flee?
• NEVER [add maniacal laughter]. I walk through nuclear holocaust for my readers. And with the new layout, I'm even further out of the loop as to how many there are. I am, however, greatly impressed with the dating system, which tells me this was published 2 days into the future. I guess if anybody is going to master time travel, it's going to be Google.

So I finally got to the doctor, and when I say got to the doctor, I mean saw a nurse practitioner, and when I say I saw a nurse practitioner, I mean I talked to one on the phone. Most of this was ok with me cuz I'm not really happy with  telemedicine, because naturally that's where everything's going.

To get an appointment was a struggle. "Our call volume is higher than normal." I'm trying to give people a break, so I held on. Every 5 seconds, I heard "You are 11th in line, please hold on to keep your place in line." It kept going for about a week. They scheduled my appointment, then called me to remind me. Meanwhile, they hadn't given me any info about telemed. I told them to scrap it and have the lady call me. That's it - call me. Medicine has made great strides, from home visits, to office visits, to phone calls. So I waited for my appointed time for my appointed appointment. Naturally it went overtime, with no call. So I called them, assured that I was 47th in line, and I should hold to keep my place in line. Fortunately I was working, so I could monitor my sainted place in line for 30 to 45 minutes. I told them she didn't call. 

"Oh."

Yeah, pretty much. It's not that difficult. Dial the phone number. No video screen, just dial the phone number, like when your husband is out and you want to have him killed, or maybe want some pizza delivered. Just dial the phone.  The lady on the phone offered me an afternoon appointment, which, for some reason, I didn't think was right. Finally they found a better one for me.

They told me the lady's name, like it was Mary Smith, which is was for them, but not for any single patient she would see. I didn't recognize it after they spelled it out and I read it back to them. I couldn't even tell the nationality. No matter, I'm sure she's good at her job. She called more or less on time, and by more or less on time, I mean less than 30 minutes late. I had high hopes for nurse practitioners because maybe they weren't assholes, like doctors. Apparently they teach them asshole-ity too. She says she's going to send me for a test. I suggest a lot of tests. No, they're going to take a Flying AIDS test in my car and not a single other test. Nothing. We're going to rule out the Flying AIDS. As we know, I'm no doctor, but I play a gynecologist on tv, so I'm starting to get agitated. I ask what about any other tests. She says she'll call me back with the result in a few days and then I can make an appointment with an actual doctor, who would probably order some blood tests. Or blood testes. I decided to challenge her authority: "so I can essentially drop dead after the Flying AIDS test?"  She said, "Well, there are no other symptoms and you said you're feeling better today." Our conversation was interrupted by loudly screaming kids and a dog, who wasn't mine. This means they were hers, because parents don't hear their own little bastards shrieking. At least make an attempt at professionalism, even if you have a weirdo at the other end of the phone.

We're screwed. Medicine appears to be one large Flying AIDS test, then you can make another appointment and get some more tests, hopefully not in your car. We, who speak loudly in restaurants and speak sarcastically on a blog, have already ruled out Flying AIDS. I asked about symptoms, and she said basically any symptoms at all. Nobody has any idea, like I said.

I have to isolate. How does one isolate from a dog and a wife? Meh-they're both asymptomatic. How does an amateur agoraphobe get any transmissible disease?  The last time I was out was 3 weeks ago, to see my mother, who does not have the Flying AIDS. The incubation period is 2 weeks, btw. So if nothing else, whatever I have, if I do not drop dead first, is almost a good thing, in that I have to isolate, as if I don't isolate already. I think it's time for the circus to pull up stakes, fold the canvas, and gtf out of town; it's too goofy here.

Getting tested was not a problem, they told me. Which meant getting tested was a problem. I got myself an appointment, but knew this was going to be a problem. It was at a hospital... not in a hospital - at a hospital. We had to pull up in cars and they'd tell us what to do. Even before I got there I had suggestions on what to do. They told me to look for the cones at the Jeremiah Proctus Cancer Center. The only problem is that there is no Jeremiah Proctus Cancer Center, or at very least, no Jeremiah Proctus Cancer Center signs. A careful survey of the entire 27 block campus provided no signs, no red traffic cones, and a gradually rapid rise in temper. So I called the hospital. Have you ever called a hospital? There is simply no way to get a human unless you know their name. Mrs lefty couldn't even get the front desk. Around the block we went, where I finally got an operator.

HELLO?

Hi, I'm looking for

HELLO?

Hi, I'm looking f

HELLO? click

They had hung up on me, as if they hadn't heard me. I've seen this trick before.

Mrs lefty tries, system hangs up on her.

With 95% left in my phone battery and 2% left in my sanity, I called Scheduling. She said she'd tell them to wait, hang on.... 

HELLO?

Hi, did you get them?

HELLO? 

Hi

HELLO? click

Wow, the trick is institutional!

When she could hear me, she reiterated Jeremiah Proctus Cancer Center. After another 6 revolutions of the complex, including stopping behind every bus running, we found a cone! I felt like we were at the end of our religious pilgrimage and had finally found the grail. We found a sign too! A tiny yard sign that said Jeremiah Proctus Cancer Center. It was in the grass, next to the hospital, 7' away from the cone. 

The pit crew was waiting for us, running up to the car, changing one rear tire, cleaning the windshield, and running back to the building, at which point I asked if anyone was doing scheduled Flying AIDS tests. All action stopped, while the best pit team I've ever used consulted with each other and someone came to the window. I always thought it would be cool to be able to read body language. The lady who asked my name was a good study in body language: her feet were near the car, but every possible other part of her, including her mask, was at least 10' away.

They sent out their best VP in Charge of Flying AIDS Testing (Thursdays), who came at me, full force, with an armed Q-tip, aimed straight for my throat. I think she kept poking at me longer than she had to, out of spite. 

The terror of the trip will not go away.

On the way home, I got ice cream. 

• After one of my old gigs, we befriended a bachelorette party. I found myself on the lap of a particularly Southern, tall member, who let me know she was worth the climb. 
• Keen to begin climbing activities, I was forced to stay at ground level, or I wouldn't be climbing in bed with my girlfriend. Life was funny that way. Life conspired against me every now and then.

Russian interference into the election continues, when Sergiy Polinsky asked if maybe the Americans like borscht.

• We have more variety in dog treats than people treats. If I ask about this, I'll be told I'll get more treats when I perform adequately.

If I turn on my work computer, why does Windows say not to turn it off?

If you take nothing else from this entry, know that, if he were still alive, Bing Crosby would be 117.  At that age, you have to hire someone else to beat your kids.

RIP 

Conchatta Ferrell - Berta from 2.5 Men (77)

Please - I Beg You: Do Not Eat Buildings

Your love is like  a peaceful Antifa riot

• DEFINITION: debate - the sound of 2 people lying

Russian interference in the upcoming elections continues, with 2 sightings of American flags outside Russian houses.

A Place for Everything. That changes daily.  

Mrs lefty is 'cleaning'.   [insert serious music]

This is not to say she doesn't clean... it just looks different from other people's cleaning.

Men have a generic disposition toward not being able to find stuff. I can't explain it - it just is. This is immediately made worse when my wife moves stuff. It is then made impossible because she doesn't know where she put it.

Hey Honey, where's the bbq sauce?

On the rack. 

I'm looking on the rack and there's no bbq sauce.

Harumph. [looks on rack] I thought it was on the rack, but it's not here.

Now I feel a little better, but I still need bbq sauce.

Last time someone didn't put the lid on and it exploded across the floor.

Ah, I didn't know that. But I still need the sauce.

Try this.

I don't like that - that's your sauce.

I think I have some downstairs, next to the washer.

I don't want to trouble you, so next time I'll look next to the washer. Am I likely to find other stuff next to the washer, like milk or frozen burgers?

No, that stuff doesn't go there. Where were you raised, Kentucky? 

As a matter of fact, I spent some time in Kentucky, and made it out anyway. This morning I couldn't find the creamer.

That's because it's on the floor, in the bathroom.

Do I want to know why creamer is in the bathroom?

I was cleaning.

Let me see if I can follow this... the creamer was on the table, but you moved it to the kitchen because the container needed to be cleaned?

No, I moved it to the kitchen because the sugar container needed to be cleaned.

Ok, that makes perfect sense. How did the creamer wind up in the bathroom?

That's easy - I was cleaning the kitchen.

I will never understand what things are like in your world.

You don't want to.

I have to go now. Mrs lefty's phone alarm is going off. Unfortunately, she's in bed and the phone's near me. Now I have to get up and wake her. If this is a Process, it's brilliant: she sleeps through alarms, but not if I wake her. But it's not a Process - she just forgot to take her phone to bed. I married a brilliant woman.. we just have no idea where she went.

The Process of cleaning is also fascinating.

Half of the cleaning in one room gets done, then it's outside for some needed mowing and shining up the ICBMs. For our entire marriage, she has insisted that this is the only way she can clean - bits at a time, then bits somewhere else. 

I go along with this because I like my private parts.

After mowing, it's off to visit some family. Then shopping. Then spending huge amounts of money at the vet for Doggy X-rays, to make sure Penny doesn't have any more cancer (she came with that name - we wanted Sybil). The end result of this is an entire house half-cleaned. "But I can only do it this way," she tells me. And how's that workin' out for ya? Half the living room is spotless. Unfortunately we occupy the other half.

At this point, you're asking yourself what kind of motherf-er doesn't help his wife clean? The kind who knows what's good for him, that's what kind. I tried a long time ago and am lucky to have gotten away with my head. If I move her Stuff, she will no longer know where it is (even if I put it by the washer). This caused great unrest with the troops, so I only touch my stuff. Sometimes she touches my stuff too, and not in a pleasing way. My head starts hurting and I'm forced to ask her why she touches my stuff, when there's an entire room full of her stuff. I can't tell you the answer because I don't want your head to hurt too.

I have an idea.... I'm going to get the front end loader (from the bathroom) and gently front end load into boxes. She won't remember what was there and I'll be the hero (until she can't find her extensive collection of WWII rations figurines). So if there are no blog updates after tomorrow, I'll be dead and you'll never find my body (even by the washer).

The Flying AIDS is having effects on Thanksgiving, with 30% taking guests' temperature before letting them in.

Aunt Bertha, so great to see you! Stand still, so this nice man from Homeland Security can take your temperature. Here - install this tracking app.

Over 50% say they're enforcing social distancing at their next party.

Cindy... if you're going to suck face with Bob, do it from at least 6' away.

Almost 50% are keeping comprehensive lists of attendees, in case of trouble.

The FBI is in a tizzy, because it's their job, unless it's phone calls and emails, in which case it's the NSA. Neither agency has had turkey in 50 years.

40% are having virtual Thanksgiving this year.

No, Uncle Stewart, for the 40th time, I cannot pass you the pig head.
Gee, this virtual Thanksgiving thing sure was a nifty idea. I think I've officially started my seasonal depression!  Hey kids... let's play video games! Oh. Hey, did you ever hear the one about..YES-YOU TELL US EVERY TIME YOU SEE US. Who's at the door? SHHHHHHH - quick,under the table... I think it's antifa.


Irony: I'm the best person in the world to invite to your party because I never leave the house to pick up the Flying AIDS. I'm also the least likely to show up. Never mind.

• Trumpie quit the 2nd debate and said Obama should be arrested.
• He's at least 50% right and, as usual, entertaining.
• Nothing of significance is learned from debates. He can continue to work and cause further damage, and/or hilarity.

Here's lefty's Election Guide - a non-partisan, hopefully helpful look at what you'll get with each candidate:

• Trump: 4 more years of unending whining, re-impeachment trials, pre-impeachment trials, and absolutely no work done by Congress except expanding the debt.
• Biden: President Harris, government expansion, tax expansion, debt expansion
• Jo Jorgensen: smaller government, lower taxes, and Spike Cohen as VP. Spike was just added to the smallest book ever - "Jewish People Named Spike".
• As you make your decision, remember: the debt is now larger than the economy. This fact belongs to no party or individual.

Today I identify as  the last laptop you broke and threw out

Dear lefty

• What did you do over the 3 day weekend?
• The Universe found out and gave me a fever. And the room spins more than normal. I don't mind - I haven't been to the amusement park in a long time.

• I was thinking... (uh-oh)... I'm tired of seeing a speaker with a sign language interpreter next to him/her. You can click a button and get it on your tv. Perhaps we should make things more interesting.. a woman converting the speech into interpretive dance. With very little clothing. Whatever the speaker has to say probably isn't that important anyway...

I'm still so broken up about Eddie Van Halen that I can't be bothered to come up with any 'comforting Valerie Bertinelli' jokes.

• Birds are crashing into New York City buildings in record numbers
• ISIS!!!! bin Ladin!!!!
• Halliburton just won a $12 billion contract to study how the birds work and develop a defense

(Bloomberg) -- Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger said the U.S. and China must establish rules of engagement for their increasingly tense competition or risk recreating the uncertainty that characterized global politics leading up to World War I.

Pro Tip: Cancel your China trip. NOW.
If Henry mentions it, it's in the works.
Henry's 97. Those reptilians live forever.

• There are cotton candy grapes. I kid you not. Guess what they taste like...

I now have my first transexual in the extended family. It's a milestone.
It took a while too. I thought the kid was just gay, but apparently this issue is going to cost a lot more than regular old gay. It's not unreasonable for me to think gay, because his school pictures include his arts posse, none of which has natural hair or clothing. No girlfriend - ever. No boyfriend either.

Let's think about this seriously...
Can you imagine the conversation with your child?
"Hey Mom.... got a thing to tell you. No big deal. I'm trans and taking hormones."
[Law and Order noise]
Uh....
Check out this new dress. And these C's.  Uh - Dad's not impressed. I think the phrase was 'Get outta here, you stupid, dress-wearing faggot'."
That's terrible - I'll have a talk with him. So, uh, how did this come about?"
"Well, I don't care about operating the remote control, I can organize a house and know where everything is, and I think Johnny Depp is HOT."
What will you do with your male bit?
"I'm going to cut it off, bronze it, and put it on the mantle as a trophy."
I see.
"We can wear the same size! Let's go shopping!"
"Please forgive me - I don't hear this every day. I have to pull my head back off the ceiling. By the way, lefty says if you turn out really hot, he'll do you."
"I don't know... I've known him since I was little... he's.... umm.... too big, yeah, that's it, too big. And he's almost family - that would be like incest. You've told me all my life not to f*ck family."

And what are we supposed to do - send a card?

Hallmark's jumping for joy at all the new cards....
Congrats on cutting your dick off
Careful of the bees - the boo-bees
Are You Still Going to Fix My Car?
Sorry I gave you herpes
Happy Non-Binary Birthday
Black Lives Matter, but you matter most

How about a Victoria's Secret gift card? (do I really want to think about this?)
A $100 certificate to Breasts R Us?
Shoe Warehouse?

I am not prepared for this.


---> But seriously.... can you imagine feeling like you're in the wrong body?
I'm in the wrong body. Mine should be good looking.

Happys 

Johnny Ramone

CJ Ramone

Cindy Ramone

Antler Ramone

That John Lennon guy
John Entwistle - The Who

Not So Happys 

BJ Wilson - drummer - Procol Harum

SJW Silliness 

VP debate: Did gender play a role in the [debate] interruptions?

The Cost of Raising an Anvil in These Confusing Times

Your love is like  the anal probe during an alien abduction

• Libertarian Jo Jorgensen's running mate, Spike Cohen, just got a page in one of the world's smallest books: "Famous Jewish People Named Spike"

Halloween's coming.
I'm not exactly in the spirit, if it hasn't been canceled already.
Just in case, I'm blasting "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer". That should keep everybody from bothering me.



Dear lefty





There's been serious rioting in Kyrgyzstan. Some say it's over the Prime Minister, some say it's because they can't spell Kyrgyzstan, some just say Kyrgyzstan doesn't have enough vowels in it. Asked for comment, the Pentagon said it stood by its friends in Kyrgystan, and would send military aid 'because we cannot afford not to be there.'

• Once again I am steamrolled by the computer virus known as Windows. A program starts but fails to do anything. I have to reboot and it offers me the choice of updating and rebooting or just rebooting. I suggest the latter, knowing it doesn't matter, then it spends the next 15 minutes telling me it's Restarting. Then it's Getting Ready, Do Not Restart. Then it's updating, because I told it not to. This is the work box, as I'd never run that piece of horse manure on my machines. And naturally I'm late for work because of this. 12%. 30%. 3%. 92%. 45%. Finally it reboots. Well, it looks like it's rebooting. It tells the hard drive to make Rebooting Noises. In reality, it's just snickering at me.
• I told my boss' boss that the company should be using linux on the desktop. Turns out he uses it at home too. 
• Now we're 'Working on Updates' again. That little wheel thingie that runs while it keeps you waiting is designed to hypnotize you - "Windows is great. I love Windows. I will send Microsoft my firstborn. 
• It's BACK!  Now it's welcoming me. It's a very welcoming operating system. Now I can get into work.
• Oh, wait.. it has to Personalize my Settings.

The Philadelphia Police Department has been put on alert, by Mayor Jim "Illegal Aliens Matter" Kenney, to begin an unprecedented gang crackdown. He said the lawlessness has to end, and there will be no more drive-by shootings until every gang member in the car wears a mask.



Continuing on the Van Halen theme, very talented musicians are coming out of the woodwork to pay tribute to Eddie, and talk of his influence upon guitar and music. I hope they let him know before he took his final solo. Once again, if you admire someone, if they make you laugh, if you catch them doing nice things for people, if their talent bowls you over, tell them. You never know what effect you could have on them.


Microsoft is in mild doo-doo, after it said it would double its number of Black and African American bosses and senior staffers. The Department of Labor sent Microsoft a friendly letter, reminding them that this policy is potentially racist.
The home of Windows said they hired the right person for the job.

Sorry, guys, but you can't have it both ways. You can't wiggle out by saying you didn't say what you said. The policy is blatantly racist, as is promoting only women or any specific group. If you are at all interested in your corporation, it behooves you to only hire and promote the best, regardless of other criteria. Stop pandering and virtue signaling: you have enough to atone for, having unleashed Windows upon the world.

P.S. is there now a difference between Black and African American?

I learned hiring by watching and doing. I only hired the most qualified person. Guess what... we were an incredibly diverse department. Male, female, Ghana, black, white, Muslim, Chinese, Cambodian, pastor, Jewish, Christian, at all levels.



Russian interference in the upcoming election continues unabated, with reports of the sales of "The Importance of Fair Elections" reaching 15 copies. The book gets filed under comedy, because Putin thinks it's hilarious.



Filmmaker James Fox just released The Phenomenon, a documentary about ufos. I've seen his previous movies and I'd highly recommend it. The amount of VIPs in this movie is huge. Don't take my word - it's available for digital download. We'll be watching it.



Today I identify as  the catalytic converter in a 1978 Ford station wagon (with real imitation woodgrain sides)



According to a mainstream media article (that was not from Pr0nhub), the most popular category of video is incest. Wow, we certainly have come a long way..... I'm sure this says something about us, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. ThermionicEmissions needs a Staff Socioligist/Psychologist... the pay sucks, the hours are long, and the blog hurts your eyes, but at least the staff is unpleasant.

Naturally none of us watch that sort of thing, but can you just imagine the (alleged) plot? A little sister sleepwalks and does her stepbrother in her sleep. The brother hits his head and believes he is his sister's boyfriend? The siblings agree to play Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in the Oral Office? Son convinces Mom he's Dad? Daughter starts her life of Daddy Issues, and doesn't understand why Mom is so upset?

Why can't these people watch clown porn? Double belly button penetration? People dressed in latex, shopping at the mall? Hamster pr0n. People in giraffe costumes, with wombats on their backs? You know, normal stuff.

Injunction to Stop the Stupid

Your love is like a cd that skips



Checking the online sales pages reminds me that I want a Bluetooth wireless speaker. The thing is, I don't know why I want one. I don't think I've ever had a use for it. I just want one. This gets me in enough trouble with guitar toys. I think it's hereditary; my dad used to get something in his head that he needed and would obsess over it hourly. Sometimes we'd buy it for him because it was the most painless way. When he passed, we inherited watch repair kits, books on hamster healing, and several vibrating things we couldn't identify that Mom (hopefully) didn't know about.

Know what else I want? I want to buy stuff that doesn't have a lower case 'i' in front of it. I saw an iPet, iHome, and iRhinocerous. I'd understand if it had something to do with an Apple device, but a desk vacuum doesn't. Even if it's a Bluetooth vacuum. Perhaps I should open a Not iStore, selling products without an 'i' in front of them. It would be approximately as successful as Ned Flanders' Leftorium, which I would gladly have visited. Go ahead- find a brick and mortar left hand store... I dare you. There used to be one on a pier in San Francisco. You could purchase everything from left handed bumper stickers ($20) to left handed rulers ($3 per inch), left handed measuring cups ($49.99), and left handed spiral notebooks ($99.95, 2 for $299.95). Eons ago, when I was in desktop support, I'd set up new computers with the mouse on the left side, just for fun. Then at night, my band would play and if the drummer was late, we'd set up his kit left handed. Someone always wanted to try out my guitar. Being very supportive of all musicians, I handed it right to them. The looks were priceless, because I handed my left handed guitar right to them, and they'd stand there, dumbfounded, trying to figure out what was wrong. And that is why I need a Bluetooth speaker.

• Just saw an article about people missing hugs during the quarantine. Do you know anyone like this? Do you also avoid them like rats and stinky cheese?

Today I identify as  my cousin Jean, the hippopotamus.

• Neandertal genes in people today may raise risk of severe COVID-19
• So stay away from some of your friends.... you know which ones...

Russian interference in the upcoming election continues, with the International Space Station air leak traced to the Russian Zvezda module.



The reactions to the Trumps' Flying AIDS diagnoses were swift:

• People: speedy recovery
• Liberals: YAY!!! HAHAHAHA! I hope it's fatal! Par-TAY*
• Government: Continuity of Government plans in effect
• News: he's ok, he's not ok, he's going to use this to postpone the election, what if he refuses to leave the White House?
• BLM: peaceful protest at the hospital, throwing bricks to break the windows
• Donald: I'm going to be fine. I have the best doctors- I love them
• Libertarians: does this mean we can finally get into the debates?
• Mike Pence: the Lord hath plans for me, a Theocracy!

Interesting to ponder the unfortunate instance of Trump not returning to office.
Many presidents of old successfully hid their serious health conditions, but you can't get away with that today. Pence would step in, but what would happen to the country? Politics would go on, of course, but I wonder about the reaction of the people. What would the non-political repercussions be?

 ---> Mike Pence's epitaph: At least I'm not LBJ




New social media policies:

• *Twitter: you may not say you wish Trump dies from the Flying AIDS
• Faceyspaces: it's ok to say Trump should die, but not if you link him to the post

AI Oopsies

Twitter's image cropping AI

There are times where it will pick someone with darker skin over a lighter-skinned person, though generally, it seems to prefer women’s chests and lighter skin.

and the problem is?

• In brief AI software designed to monitor students via webcam as they take their tests – to detect any attempts at cheating – sometimes fails to identify the students due to their skin color.

If only there were a way that a human could monitor the students....

• Pope Francis Says Covid-19 Pandemic Shows Limits to Market Economics, Coronavirus reminds humanity it is ‘all in the same boat,’
• can we throw the child molesters out of the boat? 

Dear lefty

• Tonight is my first date with this girl I really like. Any tips?
• never confuse tease and taze

Russian interference in the upcoming election continues. It would have remained under the radar, but when you register 5,000 voters in Chicago, you're not supposed to register them republican.





Hey, remember Debbie Does Dallas?
[looking around for wife] ummmm.... no.
Remember the famous scene? Sure you do. The one where they're in the car and she decides to give him some oral gratification? The one where she reaches over, fishes around for her prize, then leans over? When she gets all twisted up and her right leg winds up out the driver's side window? You know, she has that wicked smile on her face and keeps going, even when she gets her head stuck in the steering wheel? Where she really gets into high gear after accidentally impaling herself on the gearshift?
Oh, that one, yeah, that was hot. What about it?
What kind of car was it?




Happys

Steve Miller - he's a joker, he's a smoker..
Brian Connolly - The Sweet
Brian Johnson - AC/DC

BYEs

Ben Orr - Cars
Mike Gibbins - Badfinger's (lefty) drummer. There are now no band members touring that played on the first album. The single touring member, Joey Molland, joined after the recording. The rest died, with the possible exception of the first guitar player, who quit before the first tour.





It's been 50 years since we lost Janis Joplin - one of my favorite singers.
We don't have a ton of ladies stepping up to the plate, unfortunately.
There's Beth Hart, and my absolute favorite, Sass Jordan (she tweeted to my dog on Twitter - don't ask).




SJW Suckage

In addition to the cry to remove tech terms blacklist/whitelist and master/slave, the latest demand is to get rid of database queries.  Ok, I made that up, but it's plausible.

we all start here. most of us never stop.

The Magic Dingus Box

Your love is like bamboo under the fingernails




Dear lefty

• What do you do when the president has the Flying AIDS?
• offer to watch over Melania's treatment? 

The Pied Piper of Pennsylvania

Mrs lefty has some sort of power over spaniels that no one understands.
After 4 rescue cockers, I've seen a definite pattern.
They come home, and within a week, are following her around. Everywhere, including the bathroom.
Within a month, they're sitting at the door, whining, when she goes out.
Penny whines, then watches out the window (Dog TV) til her mommy comes home.

What scares me is that my Service Elephant, Iqbal, is starting to watch Mrs lefty walk around the house. If he starts whining and blowing his trunk when she leaves the house, the Service Elephant Training Academy will hear from me.

• My nose hair is especially thick and full-bodied today.
• Must. Change. Shampoos.

Russian interference in the upcoming election is getting more and more frantic, like the debates. Just yesterday, 3 people across Russia were attempting a Trump accent.

• Smart TVs are bad. Samsung is the worst. Startup ads not mentioned in privacy policy. Your data for sale, they brag to customers.

People complain that Work tells them nothing.
Mine tells us everything, and I appreciate it. Most of it has absolutely no relevance, but I think it's good that we can all understand something's happening and why.

ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES

Relevant

• The ice cream truck is outside

Not Relevant

• The HR department will be getting new copiers. No, you may not use them.
• Accounts Receivable has inaugurated their new One Record per Account initiative, wherein files in the computer will will be dropped randomly, resulting in new, higher losses for the Corporation. A/R will have a lot of work to do, in order to compete with the original method, where many records were dropped when they weren't supposed to be.

Relevant

• The food truck is outside

Not Relevant

• Please join us for recognition of Gender Awareness Week, which takes place in the Main Hall. Men are required to wear high heels, and 10 lucky men will be selected at random for the Miss Corporation Beauty Pageant. Judging will be done by women with short, spiky hair.

Relevant

• Donuts in the main lobby

Not Relevant

• Accounting will receive their long-awaited new pencils on Friday at 3pm Eastern. They will not know about it until Monday, because you can never find anyone from Accounting after lunch on Fridays.

So let's discuss the law that both sad candidates want to change that would affect social media. Currently, social media is not responsible for what users post. The candidates want to make them responsible.

As a libertarian, I don't think the government has any business here. The companies are private and should remain unbothered (BAKE THE CAKE).

If your newspaper features a personal for-sale ad, which turns out to involve a crime, should it be held responsible? Should a store be held responsible for a 3x5 card someone puts up on their community bulletin board? It's not only a ridiculous burden to the business, it's probably a free speech violation, among other things. It's every bit as ridiculous as punishing them for not allowing certain speech.

Congress is threatening to subpoena the heads of Faceyspaces, Twitter, and Google, unless they show up voluntarily. Haven't we seen this show before? It was really bad the first time. They added privacy and bias to the topics. Dems deny there is any anti-conservative bias.

This is complete and utter bulldoockey. To deny anti-conservative bias is to not have used social media in the past few years. I watched it happen on Twitter and  Reddit, then read about YouTube and Faceyspaces. The moment you were guilty of Wrongspeak, you were punished, starting at removal of the post, de-monetarization, and ending in being thrown off the service. You couldn't even appeal or talk to a human about the alleged infraction. I screamed when this started - not because I'm a conservative, but because anything could then be censored. The liberals didn't care - they were just happy they got speech they disagreed with shut down. I couldn't get across to them that they might be next. There's also the matter of who decides what's correct and what's conspiracy theory? An awful lot of conspiracy theories proved true.

While I stand by my statement that businesses shouldn't suffer government regulation, I want you to think about the effect of this. All social media is now left-leaning. This means that people will never hear about any alternatives unless they specifically go searching for them. Add in payment processors, hosting companies, and internet connections, and you have a humongous education/indoctrination program for the country (and world), that speaks with one voice. Imagine how powerful this is. Before this started, most people didn't know there was a libertarian party or what they stood for. Pretty soon it will get worse.  I can't demand these private companies do anything, but I'm pointing out the larger effects of this obviously organized program.

• Amazon Fulfillment Centers' serious injuries topped 14,000, despite safety claims. No word on how many deaths that includes. Amazon also admitted to over 19,000 deaths.
• In unrelated news, Amazon announced its new Head of Fulfillment Safety, Hillary Clinton

Champion jockey Oisin Murphy tests positive for cocaine and says he will "fight to clear my name".      ...as soon as the coke clears from my system

These people are funny. The police could watch someone pull a gun and kill an innocent person, with 12 surveillance cameras taking video, and the accused will stand up and demand justice, because he did NOT kill that person.

• Ireland has ruled that Subway bread must be taxed, due to its sugar content.
• Ireland is a very weird place.

Debate rules are being changed after the initial Trump-Biden ugliness.

Step back a second and think about this.... debates are nothing but spectacle in the first place, and now people are outraged about style over substance. Nobody has called for honesty or asked serious questions - that should be the outrage. That is why they're called The Great Unwashed.

• The Vatican denied Sceretary of State Mike Pompeo an audience with the pope.
• The official story was that they don't get involved in politics.
• The unofficial story was that Pompeo is not a hot little altar boy.

Anniversaries of Birth

Albert Collins - the Iceman of the blues
Julie Andrews - "Look at my breasts!"





SJW SOLUTION?

Coinbase, a major cryptocurrency exchange based in Silicon Valley, has announced that it will not engage with pressing social issues such as racial injustice and is offering exit packages to employees who disagree.

Navy SEALs change official ethos to be gender neutral, remove ‘brotherhood’ and more.   “To date, no women completed the SEAL or SWCC qualification training pipelines.”  Army changes official ethos to be species-neutral, because you never know when a non-human will join, and we have to reflect that inclusivity.

* The Magic Dingus Box was a homemade control unit that was built and used by Danny Gatton, the World's Best Unknown Guitarist.

Danny was so good, he was hailed the world over, by stars of the guitar world (Les Paul!), as The Humbler. As I type, a movie is near completion, called The Humbler. Visit, learn, contribute.

Sadly, Danny suffered from severe depression and took himself out.
I maintain that art is produced by Serious Internal Agita.

I Got a Job Hammering Dulcimers

Your love is like mayonnaise on peanut butter



Dear lefty

• Why do people from other countries come to this blog?
• clicking on bad links, searches for service elephants, 3D printed chicken nuggets, the Ministry of Silly Hats, boob-shaming, or bladder leak underwear 

Russian interference in the election continues, with the revelation that thousands of Russians watched the debates. [Stosh said to Pavlov, "If Americans believe this iznuryat, they're interfering in their own election."]

In other Cyrillic news, Russia plans to release the early Flying AIDS vaccine data. Aside from the fact that the vaccine doesn't work and it's too early to have accurate results, the vaccine is a big success.

There are very slight differences between Russian and American governments. A rocket launches, then promptly fails to remain airborne, crashing into a small city. In Russia, the event never happened. In America, the crash is highly publicized, the government pays millions to the city, and the budget for NASA is increased by billions because of redacted for national security reasons.

• Credit where it's due: a senator asked the Department of Homeland Security if foreign-controlled browser extensions threatened the US. I think most of Congress couldn't identify a browser extension, so kudos to him.

If you think you have to get up early, witness the plight of Space Station astronauts, who were awakened to look for an air leak.

Uhhhh.... Space Station.. this is Houston. THIS IS HOUSTON. GET UP, SLEEPYHEADS. Sorry to wake you, but it seems there's a bit of an air leak we'd like you to locate. No problem if you don't want to get up, but don't expect to get up again. Ever.



Eating at the Blue Sign

Recently we went out for dinner, to iHops, for pancakes. They're starting to allow dine-in (picking up pancakes to eat at home just doesn't seem right, plus we lost the ancient recipe to make them at home). They almost seemed surprised that we wanted to eat-in. The atmosphere was pretty creepy or downright silly, depending on your point of view. The buffer between aisles was covered with huge rows of plastic wrap. I suspect that this was not for wrapping up your food for the dog. There were 2 other diners, seated roughly a half mile apart, to satisfy social-distancing regulations.

The menu went from a hardback 23 page, full-color spread to a nearly colored table mat. Oddly, they still had our favorites, along with deep-fried chicken, deep-fried burgers, deep-fried grease bits, and one chicken sandwich that wasn't deep fried (it came wrapped in bacon). I particularly love the mandatory caloric information next to each dish, along with the occasional SODIUM WARNING. This was added by nosy, busybody politicians, because people don't know that chocolate chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate whipped cream, floating in Real Imitation Maple Syrup is high in calories and not particularly good for you. My favorite thing on the menu was the discovery that the healthy pancakes had more calories than the chocolate ones. The only WARNING missing was that you should avoid the iced tea lemonade unless you enjoy the taste of convenience store plastic bottled lemonade. I don't know this for a fact, but I suspect the eggs come from cardboard or plastic containers, containing the minimum amount of Egg Product allowed by the Food and Drug Administration. They taste sorta like egg-like substance, but not enough for me to order one. Mrs lefty likes the pancakes that smile at you, if only as a reminder to take her meds.

We got the finest plastic silverware: it was black, in support of Black Lives Matter. It came in its own, germ-resistant plastic packet. The waitress asked us if we had iPhones, because we could order online. Everybody vigorously shook their heads no. Aren't we paying for (and tipping) a waitress? The instructions said that we had to enable location, wireless, and give it full access to our addressbooks. I was beginning to think we were at a walk-in Faceyspaces. Aside from the plastic-wrapped dividers, the waitresses were all wearing masks. We felt particularly protected, especially when we saw all the waitresses were not covering their noses with their masks. Remember the choice of syrups in those wicked containers that were usually close to empty? The waitress brought out 2 small, round, almost to-go containers of maple syrup only.  Someone complained the coffee was watery. Well, you like convenience store coffee, so why are you complaining? It's all colored water anyway.

Fortunately the food was the same as we remembered it, even if it was served on small paper plates, delivered by a waitress from 6' away, with some sort of long-arm contraption so she didn't have to get anywhere near us. I don't blame her, but for other reasons.... I wouldn't want to wait on me either. I don't look like the kind of person you'd want to wait on, in spite of my sweet, genteel manner, good looks, and refined fashion sense. On my best behavior, I didn't curse out loud once, attracting the attention of the entire restaurant.

Between 2 recent excursions to eat at restaurants, I decided to give up until the Flying AIDS has passed and we can all eat together, with metal silverware and waitresses that aren't afraid to come near the tables. Then I can go back to complaining about the noisy little f-ers that always get seated next to us, whose parents seem unaware of their screaming, which can be heard over a plane taking off (or an Ozzy concert).

• Tesco, One of the World's Largest Supermarket Operators, Sets 300% Sales Target For Plant-Based Alternatives To Meat
• Unfortunately, Tesco's customers set a 300% sales loss, because the stuff tastes like meat-flavored plants, only not as good.

Noted scientist, virologist, and war criminal, Bill Gates, has come up with a 3 point plan to rid the world of the Flying AIDS. Many suggest we'd be better off ridding the world of Bill Gates.

With the lack of actual ticket sales and running out of government bailout money, airlines are running Fights to Nowhere. You get on the plane, take off, see some stuff, then land. Highlights include:

• higher ticket prices than Flights to Somewhere
• that same airline food you know and love
• DISCLAIMER: if you bring luggage, there is no guarantee it will be lost
• the Miss Arizona SCUBA Team pageant
• TSA screening takes no time, including the prostate check (you too, ladies) 
• with early booking, you can request a child to scream and kick your seat, or a grossly overweight person to sit next to you
• No masks required on Covid flights
• Deplaning made faster and easier. With parachutes.

Because California has been out of the Crazy News for a few days, they just announced they'll house prisoners based on gender identity, not biological sex. Are they going to provide runways for prisoners who identify as F-15s? 

• Kylie Jenner's makeup company warns of a data breach.
• Asked for comment, Ms. Jenner said, "What's a data breach?"

Happys 

Buddy Rich - the drummer

Johnny Mathis - chances are he's 85

Marc Bolan - no longer banging a gong

Less Happys 

Mac Davis - heart surgery a few days ago

Mary Ford - wife of Les Paul, helluva player

Black Lives Matter have chartered a Russian Rocket (because American rockets are full of white privilege). They are planning to go into space and put on a massive protest because black holes are racist.

Pundits say the protest will be marred because many have suggested BLM take a rocket somewhere anyway, and because black holes tend to suck anything around into them, especially Marxists. There is no way to peacefully set fire to a black hole, which will also come as a surprise to BLM.