Nigel's OK in My Book

Watching some classic (old) music videos, I found a song called Making Plans for Nigel (XTC). Never mind the song... I just like the title. The video is bizarre.

While we're at it, Kate Bush sounds like she's huffing helium.

• Of note: when the doctor sedated Marshall, he used Propofol; the drug that killed Michael Jackson. Fortunately Marshall experienced a better outcome.

Congrats on 100 years of freedom for Finland!

Finland is known for heated underwear, anchovy pizza, and Finns. 

The national animal is the elephant (there are no elephants in Finland. They imported one from Africa, but it chose to walk back to Africa, rather than freeze).

Finland's national flower is grass.

• 'Music' star Pink will raise her kids gender-neutral. Please make it stop. The Child Welfare Bureau has been called - these kids don't have a chance.

As I continue to tune in old videos, Instant Karma (John Lennon) comes on.. I've never seen it before.

The first thing I see is Yoko.. this is never a good thing. She's sitting onstage, toward the back of John; blindfolded and knitting. This would be delightfully absurd if anyone else did it. With Yoko it's Art, or as I call it, "a screw loose and a pathological need for attention."

There's a British guy playing tambourine. How can I tell he's British? He's wearing a full tan suit and huge, brown, horn rimmed glasses to play tambourine. There are also two bass players, for a reason John took with him to the grave. Maybe Chapman shot him to keep this from getting out.

It's a wonder I never got hired to review videos in the 80s.

• If anything I write fails to offend you for the entire time you've been reading this, I'd like to share something with you, in the spirit of Christmas: "Simply,  Having, a Wonderful Christmastime."  This song has now invaded your brain and you will sing it incessantly for the next three weeks.
• You're welcome.

Many women suffer silently from vaginal discharge and dryness, according to a commercial. Many people don't know I got out of the army on a vaginal discharge.

I would like to apologize, humbly and unreservedly, for the previous paragraph.

• If you're having a Stupid Day today, remember: it could be worse. You could live in Mecklenberg County, where county records are being held hostage for $23,000 in Bitcoin. You could be the genius who opened the email attachment, unleashing the ransomware upon the county.

The Stupid is also great with the authors of a virtual keyboard app for android and iDevices, called Ai.Type. The app collects keystrokes, contacts, phone numbers, email addresses, social media profiles, and locations, among other things. The data is uploaded to, you guessed it, The Cloud. The 577gb database, on 31 million users, was left open to the public, so anyone who could find it had full access to it.

There is no word on whether the app let on that the user's data would be stolen uploaded to the company's (unsecured) server. Everything the user typed would be available, in addition to the information the app collected. Financial information, love emails, sexts, and all those pictures of women with one more penis than provided for in the original design specification.

If you rushed past the text about your data and clicked I AGREE, this is entirely your fault. If there was no warning, the developers should be sued out of existence and fined by the appropriate authorities for theft and negligence. 

I'll say it again: nothing you use is worth the invasion of your privacy and data.

You could also just use the phone's keyboard. This way, your data will only go to Google or Apple.

• 28 senators wrote the FCC to urge holding off their decision on Net Neutrality because of irregularities in the data of public comments. 50,000 comments may not have been included in the public record. Hundreds of thousands of filings featured stolen addresses and there were half a million entries with Russian email addresses. Not included in the data were the rude comments directed at chairman Ajit Pai's nationality. You don't think there was anything suspicious about this, do you?

A lot of people blame the Russians for interfering in the 2016 election (and when I say a lot of people, I mean the losing side). I view this from the other side (of course I do): the Russians are not interfering - they're propping up American  democracy.

Hear me out: American citizens have become so fat and lazy, they can barely be bothered to go out for milk, no less vote. By hacking into our social media and voting systems, the Russians are making it look like our democracy is functional. People blame Trump for 'colluding' with Russia, when in reality, he was encouraging Putin to have his people vote to make it look like the election mattered. Meanwhile, the people who should have voted all stayed home, where they ran into the streets and online to protest and whine incessantly.

A brief investigation by the Boy Scouts of America, Special CyberSquad, turned up a few other places the Russians made a difference:

• a West Virginia little league game
• the decision not to tax online porn in the US
• a $4 billion appropriation for Congressional bathroom remodeling and donations to Dick Cheney's various humanitarian charities

Have you rented a car lately?

If you did, your locations, smart phone identifier, and entered locations (including schools), are all available, if you attached to the car's infotainment system (the radio).  Privacy International rented cars and analyzed the information available in the systems. Personal information was on every single car.

Just to make things more interesting, the rental companies were not able to provide clear internal policies on handling drivers' personal data. The companies that responded said, as laid out in the Terms and Conditions, the responsibility is on the renter. The future is here and we're shooting it square in the nuts.

• In case you didn't learn the first time, Ashley Madison, the website for cheaters, that leaked its database, has... wait for it... leaked its database of private and explicit photos again. So if you're the kind that insists on getting parts of you wet, you haven't learned your lesson. You know what they say - the third time's the charm.

brought to you by Friends of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Just Paying Additional Shipping and Handling

Yesterday I hit the Daily Double, when power and cable went out, one after the other. Today only the cable went out. But I am not worrying, as Comcast has their Best People on it.

Let this serve as inspiration to you, that if cable internet/tv is important to you, you have some sort of Uninterruptible Power Supply (UPS), aka Battery Backup. They are available in many ratings and packages. Some newer Comcast and FIOS installations have a battery backup for their service.Plug in all your devices you want to continue working in event of power outage: cable modem, router, wireless, laptops, chargers, etc. These will protect you in the event of power outage, but not cable outage.

• When asked, "Won't the laws of mathematics trump the laws of Australia?", the prime minister replied, "The laws of mathematics are very commendable, but the only law that applies in Australia is the law of Australia." Next up: Australia enacts law against gravity.

Jet, the online retailer bought by Walmart last year, has struck a deal with smart access provider Latch in an effort to make deliveries easier for its customers in urban areas. What this means is that deliveries can make it past the main joint door and tenants can allow the delivery in from their cell phones. Oh yeah, access will also be granted to all of Jet's business partners will automatically get access. What could possibly go wrong?

• It's World Emoji Day. Emergency Rooms across the world are on alert for people slitting their wrists and taking huge amounts of any kind of pills they have around the house. This blog is and will always remain, 100% Emoji-Free.
• Bulletin: cancer cured.

The people whose information got stolen from Ashley Madison, the cheaters' website, are eligible for up to $3,500, via a $11.2 million settlement. Not that readers of ThermionicEmissions would need this information...

• Finally, a Mac item I can get behind. Unfortunately you cannot make use of it without iTunes and the iPencil.

The FBI has warned parents that Internet of Things toys could present a safety and privacy risk.  You're kidding. No, really - the FBI wasted no time in jumping on this matter to keep you safe. After all - it's for the children! 

Seriously.. a federal agency, so far beyond things that they are just getting around to issuing an alert on IoT-connected toys. How long have I been warning you about this? When it implodes, which it will, it will give me no pleasure to say "I told you so."  Ok, maybe a little.

• Apparently the Hollywood Bowl gave up wood from its seats. Fender is making guitars out of the wood at $12,000 each. That's a little steep for most of us, and of questionable value (and tone) for those who can afford one. Perhaps they need a clever ad campaign:
• Monty Python may have blown their nose at it
• the wood was very wet when the Beatles played
• Hendrix burned an entire row ($20k extra for the burnt wood model)
• Jim Morrison had sex in the first row (with himself), right before the police showed up
• I'm a natural ad man, aren't I?

The secret to self-driving cars is to drive them yourself.

• Does Steve Harvey shout out the wrong name in bed?

I really like tying my wife up. Sometimes we have sex.

• Toasters are a cruel joke, played upon us by the Bread Lobby. I put my bread in, like any normal person, and set it to medium. When it's done, it becomes apparent that the toaster and I are not in agreement about what constitutes medium. I think medium is defined as starting to turn brown. Toaster thinks medium is kinda warm. But only on odd-numbered days. Regardless, I get frustrated and put the semi-toast back in. At this point, no matter how I set it, the toast is coming out black - there's simply no way to avoid this. I've tried old toasters, new toasters, and toaster ovens, all with the same results. So if I'm still in a Toast Mood, I have start over again, with new bread, enriching the Bread Industry.

I'm Nothing if not Something

A halloween costume of Caitlyn Jenner is causing outrage, prompting cries of disgraceful and transphobic. I wonder where these Social Justice Warriors were when Reagan, The Decider and (Bill)Clinton masks were in heavy rotation. Where were the charges of idiotphobia then?  I have to admit the costume is hilarious, with a dress-like thing and a sash that says Call Me Caitlyn. And what had better be a wig.  BUT WAIT: A second controversy has sprung up over a Lion Killer Costume! These costumers are a delightfully sick bunch.

• My first job was nine months of sheer hell, dealing with the public at an electronics store that shall not be mentioned (it gave out free batteries and just went under). The job taught me a very important life lesson - that I hate people. And that retail was not my strong suit. But in the interest of fairness, we should all read this article about retail. We can all learn something from it (and it validates hating people).

There's no doubting it: farts are funny, to all ages and sexes (mostly the male sexes). I have often wondered why (because my mind needs to know this sort of thing). Here is a piece on why fart jokes never get old. The old anal exhalation. The wind beneath my sheets. One - single flatulation, stuttering between my cheeks.

• Homeland Security has raided a gay escort site. Precisely which part of national security is threatened by gay escorts? Are they afraid of outing DC? They have been charged with prostitution and the website was seized. I wonder if the straight services are next. Maybe they'll seal the records for seventy five years, like JFK's.

A bar in Sydney, Australia, has caused outrage by using naked women as fruit platters.  I'm desperately trying to figure out the problem here.  I do have to admit that the bananas were sitting rather tall on one platter. An outraged Social Justice Warrior referred to the practice as contempt for women. Seems more like love for women. All they needed was a guitar somewhere and you'd have my three favorite activities on one table.

• Speaking of the cheating site Ashley Madison hack, it has been discovered that only about one percent of women who signed up ever actually used the site (men paid, women signed up for free). Where are the Warriors crying about male inequality? Don't delude yourself, guys... women run the planet. The sooner you recognize this, the better off you'll be. The Ashley Madison story is going to get more and more interesting in the coming weeks. For some really sad news, check out some of the passwords used for the site.  IN ADDITION:  Hundreds of thousands of people signed up for the service last week - AFTER news of the hack.  If it weren't for the great stupidity of the Great Unwashed, I'd swear that the hack was just good publicity for Ashley Madison.

Drought? LA County supervisors wash their cars 2-3 times a week. This is an outrage! How can governmental supervisors be expected to wash their own cars? 

• You absolutely cannot PAY for this headline: Unrestricted Urine Flow in San Fran Streets Corroding Metal Light Poles. SF has started using urine-resistant paint.  After 9/11, BART restrooms were closed as a safety measure. The City is obviously protecting the citizens from people using the bathroom in subways. Most surprising, not a word about Philadelphia.

In addition to transgender tv sitcoms and reality shows, transgender porn is on the rise. So to speak. Especially in California, New York, Illinois and Texas. DC is probably number one in underage transgender porn.

• Man arrested after his dog tests positive for meth. It's a good thing the vet doesn't test Marshall... he'd blow positive for cat food every time.

A PF Chang chef, Jaquan Huston, stabbed another chef, Eliveton Dias, to death in the kitchen during the dinner rush. My wife has been trying to get me to go there for years. As if the food weren't enough to put me off, now I have to worry about danger to my person via chefs with knives. This doesn't seem to be a problem at my favorite pizza place.

• Roberto Esquivel Cabrera has what some would consider a problem: he has (this stuff kills me) the world's longest penis. He's trying to get some sort of disability payments for it (and him too). He claims that he can't get a job, it hangs below his knees and that women are too afraid to have sex with him (he's still a virgin). Yes, this is a World Record Academy award (Guinness didn't have a category for this). Oddly enough, another record holder is the world's smallest man, at two inches larger (taller) than Mr. Cabrera's Monster Member. We wish him luck. Stardom awaits  when California's porn producers come across this story.  This picture was to the right of the story - they couldn't have picked a better one.

You thought I couldn't top the penis, didn't you?  The wife of a New York administrator claims she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from her husband's twisted sexual practices.  So he wore a chastity belt to work. So  he wore diapers and a horse tail during foreplay. So he dressed like a sissy maid and called himself Jessica.  

The divorce papers say he engaged in “predatory and extreme depraved antisocial sexual conduct so egregious it shows a blatant disregard for the marital relationship that it shocks the conscience.” Hey now - one person's "predatory and extreme depraved antisocial sexual conduct" is another person's idea of Marital Bliss or bit of good clean fur for an evening.

While the gentleman in question is now without a wife (who has reportedly been safely ensconced in a local nunnery), he has a line around the corner of women (and men) who like a good time. Most are dressed in leather, carrying a box of diapers and a brand new french maid outfit in his size. I'm dying while I'm typing this.

• A Maine man crashed into a tree while taking a selfie, driving home (oof) this blog's extreme dislike of selfies.

Miyuki Harwood, a hiker missing for nine days has been found alive in a California forest. ThermionicEmissions does not condone the use of Asian driving jokes.

• North Dakota is the first state to legalize weaponized Unmanned Aerial Devices (shooting and bombing drones) for local police departments. Firing in Fargo, anyone? Bombing in Bismarck? Shooting in Stanley? Murder in Minot?

A package of radioactive material that was supposed to be delivered to an on-campus office at Texas A&M University has gone missing. Perhaps they mistook it for Anthrax. If they try to trace it through the postal service, they're screwed.

• Firefighters were called out to a farm in England because a curious cow got its head stuck in a chair. After freeing the poor large beast from the chair, it was discovered that this was no ordinary curious cow - it was just Kim Kardashian (for the second time this week).

An Afghan man and women were given 100 lashes in public for adultery. In the US, you get a website, press coverage and a tv show.

SO MUCH FUNK, ONE BLOG CANNOT STAND IT ALL

Once again I'm going to abandon my guitar leanings and give you The Funk. Few solos here... just the almighty groove. I'm talking Sly & the Family Stone. 

If You Want Me to Stay is prototypical Sly. This version is from the classic Soul Train program and is done live. The drummer is Bill Lordan, who I know from Robin Trower, a real surprise.  All the way from the phenomena that was The Midnight Special comes Thank You (Falettinmne Be Mice Elf Again). Sly plays guitar on this song (did you know Sly played guitar?). This particular drummer is not Bill Lordan, which seems to work better for the band. I call him Bouncy because I don't know his name but have seen him with the band in other videos. He's all over the place.

Enjoy Higher, from Woodstock. You'll know all these tunes from their studio versions but I was looking for variety and performance. It is rumored that Sly was notoriously late and refused to go on at Woodstock. When the organizers threatened to not pay, Sly asked everyone what they were waiting for. Great performance, great concert.

Unfortunately, time and recreational pharmaceuticals had their effect on Sly, who, at least reading, lived in a van, paranoid and penniless. He's supposed to be getting back on his feet with a little help from his friends. I sure hope so, espcially considering what passes for music on the radio these days.

Touching Nancy Pelosi with a Ten Foot Pole

A Russian millionaire, Yuri Milner is providing $100 million for alien research. I was all kinds of excited when I read this, until I discovered that the money is going to be given to SETI, which listenes for Space Noise to look for anything intelligible. Stanton Friedman, godfather of ufology, refers to SETI as Silly Effort to Investigate. Let's face it, people.. the informantion we need is already here, sitting with people who have higher security clearances than the president. SETI is a smokescreen.

• UH-OH: Ashley Madison, the dating website for married people, has been hacked and your some data is already out there. Act accordingly.

Berkeley Breathed is bringing back Bloom County!

Adam Lanza - CT

James Holmes - Colorado

Dylan Roof - church

• My wife often tells me you can tell a person is not well by looking at the eyes. I always doubted her until I saw this group. Didja ever wonder how they got this way? Were they born crazy? Did they have help? Were they on prescribed medicine? Might be worth studying.

Say, why not enact a White Privilege Tax on all caucasians? The Great Unwashed once again fell for a ridiculous prank. Have you ever known anyone who took an IQ test and failed?

• Just when you thought going out on Tuesdays was boring, we bring you Porn Star Karoake!  I'm really tired of watching bad bands run over good songs. If I have to do this, there should at least be some visual appeal. California is a great vacation destination....

A twenty one year old man was found drowned in Demi Moore's pool, said Sgt A. Bone of the LAPD. With a name like that, he should be going to Porn Star Karaoke.  In totally unrelated news, Demi is looking younger than ever.

• Questions for our times: does Transylvania have a blood bank?

In mixed news, the Twinkie is 50. I'm good with the filling but not the cakey bits.

• The Pope Pass went on sale recently. SEPTA, Philly's transportation disaster, is selling a pass to get around when the pope comes to visit (the visit will cost the taxpayers $45 million). The online system performed just like the buses and immediately crashed, selling a grand total of twenty eight passes. SEPTA's online foray is representative of their service in general.

The Pet Follies: I walked into the kitchen to discover that the cat had knocked over a pan full of undercooked pork chops. And the dog was eating one, very quickly, in the mistaken hope that I would not notice him. Removing him from the aforementioned pork chop proved somewhat difficult but this was obviously my fault: I didn't run to the kitchen when I couldn't hear him for more than two seconds. What really vexes me is how the cat knocks stuff off and it always lands right side up.

But this was a vacation by comparison. The previous day I found a small lake on the carpet, Mad Libs in the fridge, most lights in the house on and fans going in a room no one uses. Who you gonna call?

Hillary lays down the law to Bill

Got any tunes for us?

Why yes, I do.
Give Me Moore is the title of a Gary Moore album.  Gary is (was) a fiery guitarist who spent time with Thin Lizzy, George Harrison, Jack Bruce, and by himself.  Gary sizzles in the best way imaginable. Picture the blues on steroids and VERY LOUD.

I might as well start at the top. There are a few songs that make the hair on my neck stand at attention every time. One is Jimi's version of the Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock.  Another is Still Got the Blues. This is a live version but very faithful to the recorded version. After he sings, he makes the guitar sing - in the most emotional way possible. Even my wife is exceedingly fond of this song.

Another great tune is Parisienne Walkways. Listen to him go.  The difference between clean and DRIVE is something to behold. His tone is always on the edge of chaos, yet he controls it.

Can Gary play the blues? Ask his special guest BB King, when The Thrill is Gone.  The interplay is stunning, especially when Gary starts ape-ing BB and BB fires back. Although both of these legends are gone, their playing will always inspire us.