Monday, August 3, 2015

Touching Nancy Pelosi with a Ten Foot Pole

A Russian millionaire, Yuri Milner is providing $100 million for alien research. I was all kinds of excited when I read this, until I discovered that the money is going to be given to SETI, which listenes for Space Noise to look for anything intelligible. Stanton Friedman, godfather of ufology, refers to SETI as Silly Effort to Investigate. Let's face it, people.. the informantion we need is already here, sitting with people who have higher security clearances than the president. SETI is a smokescreen.

  • UH-OH: Ashley Madison, the dating website for married people, has been hacked and your some data is already out there. Act accordingly.

Berkeley Breathed is bringing back Bloom County!

Adam Lanza - CT

James Holmes - Colorado
Dylan Roof - church

  • My wife often tells me you can tell a person is not well by looking at the eyes. I always doubted her until I saw this group. Didja ever wonder how they got this way? Were they born crazy? Did they have help? Were they on prescribed medicine? Might be worth studying.

Say, why not enact a White Privilege Tax on all caucasians? The Great Unwashed once again fell for a ridiculous prank. Have you ever known anyone who took an IQ test and failed?

  • Just when you thought going out on Tuesdays was boring, we bring you Porn Star Karoake!  I'm really tired of watching bad bands run over good songs. If I have to do this, there should at least be some visual appeal. California is a great vacation destination....

A twenty one year old man was found drowned in Demi Moore's pool, said Sgt A. Bone of the LAPD. With a name like that, he should be going to Porn Star Karaoke.  In totally unrelated news, Demi is looking younger than ever.

  • Questions for our times: does Transylvania have a blood bank?

In mixed news, the Twinkie is 50. I'm good with the filling but not the cakey bits.

  • The Pope Pass went on sale recently. SEPTA, Philly's transportation disaster, is selling a pass to get around when the pope comes to visit (the visit will cost the taxpayers $45 million). The online system performed just like the buses and immediately crashed, selling a grand total of twenty eight passes. SEPTA's online foray is representative of their service in general.

The Pet Follies: I walked into the kitchen to discover that the cat had knocked over a pan full of undercooked pork chops. And the dog was eating one, very quickly, in the mistaken hope that I would not notice him. Removing him from the aforementioned pork chop proved somewhat difficult but this was obviously my fault: I didn't run to the kitchen when I couldn't hear him for more than two seconds. What really vexes me is how the cat knocks stuff off and it always lands right side up.

But this was a vacation by comparison. The previous day I found a small lake on the carpet, Mad Libs in the fridge, most lights in the house on and fans going in a room no one uses. Who you gonna call?

Hillary lays down the law to Bill

Got any tunes for us?

Why yes, I do.
Give Me Moore is the title of a Gary Moore album.  Gary is (was) a fiery guitarist who spent time with Thin Lizzy, George Harrison, Jack Bruce, and by himself.  Gary sizzles in the best way imaginable. Picture the blues on steroids and VERY LOUD.

I might as well start at the top. There are a few songs that make the hair on my neck stand at attention every time. One is Jimi's version of the Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock.  Another is Still Got the Blues. This is a live version but very faithful to the recorded version. After he sings, he makes the guitar sing - in the most emotional way possible. Even my wife is exceedingly fond of this song.

Another great tune is Parisienne Walkways. Listen to him go.  The difference between clean and DRIVE is something to behold. His tone is always on the edge of chaos, yet he controls it.

Can Gary play the blues? Ask his special guest BB King, when The Thrill is Gone.  The interplay is stunning, especially when Gary starts ape-ing BB and BB fires back. Although both of these legends are gone, their playing will always inspire us.

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