Thursday, August 13, 2015

The Presidential Clown Car

There are so many people running for president that ThermionicEmissions put together a brief comparison of the major candidates so you don't have to. I'm sure this matrix will allow you to make a more informed choice for next person to occupy the White House. Another public service from the liberty-minded folks here at ThermionicEmissions.

Donald Trump Vermin Supreme Bernie Sanders me
Party Republican Free Pony Party Democrat Left-Handed Party
Most Notable Endorsed by ex-wife, who he did not rape Only bona-fide American Presidential Candidate to actually donate a living organ Socialist The best left-handed guitarist on his block
Best Known for That thing on his head Wearing a boot as a hat and carrying a large toothbrush Socialist Male Pattern Baldness, unsuccessful blogger
Platform Let all the damn wetbacks in Zombie apocalypse awareness (and zombie-based energy plan), time travel research (in order to go back and kill Hitler before he was born) Take away all guns Jail the Kardashians, force Congress to use Obamacare
Slogan I've got $9 billion and you don't Screw world peace - I want a pony The accent Trump wishes he had Running with scissors for YOU
Hillary Clinton Libertarians Chris Christie Rick Santorum
Party Democrat Libertarian? Donut Barefoot and Pregnant
Most Notable The only woman Bill wouldn't sleep with Ron Paul Stopping traffic out of spite, blaming it on others Didn't realize Intelligent Design was religiously motivated
Best Known for Sucking out all bodily fluids from Vince Foster No government spying Using storm aid for ads Pennsylvania's emarrassment
Platform Whatever the Bilderbergers, Trilaterals and Council on Foreign Relations say, personal servers for me alone Maximum freedom, minimum government, free market healthcare (because that worked so well before), stop 'exporting freedom' Shouting down anyone who disagrees, lap band surgery in every pot (belly) Intelligent design, no birth control, no same sex marriage, deregulate pro wrestling, waterboarding
Slogan I ran the White House for eight years - what the hell else do you want? Leave us alone Shut up! My values are the country's values

Since I don't want to unduly influence you, dear readers, here is a list of famous libertarians:

Squint Eastwood, Vince Vaughn, Ayn Rand, Chris Rock, Christina Ricci, Dave Barry, David Letterman, David Lynch, Dean Koontz, Denis Leary, Dennis Rodman (his nose rings are reportedly voting for Hillary), Donald Fagen (Steely Dan), Howard Stern, Matt Stone+Trey Parker (South Park), Penn&Teller (Penn&Teller), Kurt Russell, Drew Carey, Frank Zappa (absentee ballot), Gene Simmons, Hugh Downs, John Malkovich, Matt Drudge, Matt Groening (Simpsons), Neil Peart (Rush), Raquel Welch (I rest my case), Robert Duvall, Tom Selleck and Tommy Chong (enthusiastic marijuana user)

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