Take the Last Train to Camden

 Your love is like  a car crusher

China is slowly moving into reality shows, with a show on genius programmers.

The Chinese name translates to Watching Paint Dry, and it's every bit as exciting. Everybody has to start somewhere, and China has started pretty close to the bottom. Even the furries with the masks laugh at them. We have obtained a preview of the show and here are some of the highlights:

• delivery of cases of Red Bull
• coding it to take over your tv and report what you watch (just like American tvs)
• learning to high five, with hilarious outtakes
• ordering American food
• crazy nights at the soda bar
• sneaking out to get brown highlights
• absolutely hilarious comments in the code, like 'Yo Chao!', 'Dig this loop', 'Yo mama be Chinese' and 'penis HAHAHAHAHA!'

Today the Russians hacked into the International Space Station and installed an air leak. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

• Oxfam found the combined wealth of the 10 richest men during pandemic 'could buy vaccines for all'
• so could cutting taxes and limiting the constant war budget to a healthy defense-only posture.
• the (socialist) charity is urging governments to consider taxes on the super-rich

Note to people who have been online before there was an online: Tucows downloads is going offline.

Today I identify as  a retired Stealth bomber

Got an ADT security system? It turns out to be less secure than you thought. An employee accessed ~200 customer cameras on more than 9,600 occasions. You know he's not the only one doing it. In fact, there's probably a Hot Reel, with all the best vids of people doing it.

• "Protecting the last wild lions in Africa"
• what the hell have we done? 

Apple Magsafe on the iPhone 12 may interfere with pacemakers and cardiac defibrilators

For their part, Apple says they won't interfere moreso than previous models.

Even though they have more magnets in them.

• at a recent cybersecurity program, people were posting about it on Faceyspaces

Today the president sent another 10,000 troops to Afghanistan, "to protect our liberties, because the last guy pulled them out and I could feel our liberties starting to slip."  Also, warships are now conducting exercises in South China Sea.

Meanwhile, the vice president carefully shadows the president, because it's only a matter of time...

Are you ready to hear me stand up for Faceyspaces? Biden is getting ready to repeal Section 230, which would make social media liable for things people post. Next up: the community bulletin boards at your local grocery store. They can't be allowed to get away with the things they're doing. "Stroller for sale - good condition - $25." What if it's not in good condition? We need legal remedies. More government meddling.

Today's oxymoron: Google Ethics

If WhatsApp pissed you off, I strongly urge you not to get all nostalgic and go to ICQ: the Russian government can read anything you type, as can the moderators. Don't believe me? I used to regularly have a moderator comment on things I wrote privately. He outright told me they can read things. Oh yeah, Twitter too.

Hollywood News

Keira Knightly has said she will not appear in nude scenes for films that have a male director.

• Johnny Depp will not appear in nude scenes without 'a really hot co-star'
• Kevin Spacey will not appear in nude scenes without 'a really hot guy'
• Ben Afflek will not appear in a picture unless the producer gets the best shots of his rug
• Brad Pitt will only do nude scenes with a female director. This way, after the scene with the hot co-star, he can do the director too
• Tom Cruise requires 'a really gorgeous co-star' but a male fluffer
• Slyvester Stallone will not appear in any picture without a walker on-set
• Nicolas Cage will appear in absolutely anything
• Sean Connery requires nothing
• Sandra Bullock requires flights between filming location and my house
• Scarlett Johannsen will only film on Tuesdays and requires bowls of blue M&Ms only

Mexico's presidente, Andres Manual Lopez Ave Maria Obrador, tested positive for the Flying AIDS. The healthcare system is a little different in Mexico: if you get the virus, you say bad things about drug gangs and the problem goes away very quickly. You don't need health insurance - just life insurance.

• Just so you don't think any stereotypes are being broken, Dr. Anthony Fauci is the highest paid employee in the entire govt, at $417,608 in 2019.
• Any one of us could be making that salary - no qualifications required!

Just so you're not over-worried about your quadrupeds, there's now a Flying AIDS jab for dogs and cats. This is from a group of scientists who do not, in any way, have any financial interest in the pharmaceutical companies. No sir - they want to make this clear up front. Their expensive new cars can be explained by statistical chance.

• A hacker published the private info of 2 million people. MeetMindful apparently left the door open. The 2 million are elated, now that they're getting incredible coverage for their money.

Worst TV Show in America runner-up, Worst Cooks in America, season 20 pulled after the winner was charged with murder of child. Be fair - her cooking speaks for itself and other matters do not affect it. Unless she cooked with the child. 

Mainstream or Pr0n?:  My Feet Are Killing Me, Mobile Penetration Testing, 1000-lb Sisters

The Calcasieu Parish Sheriff’s Office would normally have a lot of detective work to do in the stabbing death of a 15 year old girl, but since this is 2021, all they had to do was log on Faceyspaces, where it was posted.

A Pennsylvania democratic lawmaker slammed the state over the vaccine rollout. He said other states are doing fine and PA's response was 'muddled.' Police and prison guards expressed outrage at having been shoved farther back in the line for their Flying AIDS shots.

Idiot Governor apologized for the confusion and laid out the order:

1. Idiot Governor
2. family of Idiot Governor
3. friends of Idiot Governor
4. contributors to Idiot Governor
5. people working around Idiot Governor
6. everyone else

The son of a couple killed in a Pittsburgh synagogue attack that killed 11 worshippers is suing the National Rifle Association, arguing the group’s inflammatory rhetoric led to the violence. "The gun lobby taught him to fear and hate Jews."

MOM - those words made me kill people!!! 

They better watch out - with the NRA's sizable membership, there's going to be a lot of people hating Jews and shooting up synagogues.

We both have very good communication. It's a shame everyone else in the family doesn't. We swore we weren't going to be each other's secretary. Now we just swear.

Mom Robodials....

Call Mrs. lefty. No answer.

Call landline. No answer.

Call lefty. No answer.

Call lefty: (friend of Mrs lefty) haven't been able to get in touch with her, what is her email address and clothing size?

Well, maybe the reason you haven't been able to get in touch with her is that she doesn't want to be touched. Do I look like her secretary?

Mom [10am]: Hi, are you working?

lefty: yeah, pretty much every weekday

Mom [10am Saturday]: are you sleeping?

BANG BANG BANG

Good thing I don't answer the phone or the door during working hours- it's distracting.

BANG BANG BANG

Mr lefty, we know you're in there. You just won Elon Musk's trip to Mars AND Publisher's Clearing House date with Marie Osmond! We have cameras, press, and neighbors out here waiting for you to open the door.

[gets dynamite sticks wrapped and ready...]

I'm thinking of changing our voicemail:

Thank you for calling the leftys. We're out or probably just don't want to talk to anybody. Leave a message and hold your breath until we get back to you.

That thing about us having good communication? I lied.

We have good communication like Brad Pitt has ugly chicks.

Of course it's all her fault. Unless you ask her, in which case it's my fault.

A friend said communication is all about pronouns, but not the kind people seem to think they're entitled to.

Men and women will recognize this one:

Take it to the kitchen.

That what to the kitchen?

The thing.

What thing?

You know, the thingy thing.

or

Put the pizza in the onion.

The onion?

The onion.

You can't physically put a pizza in an onion.

You do it all the time.

Are you talking about the oven? 

Yes, that's what I said.

No, you said put it in the onion.

I said oven.

Yes, Dear.

Here's where the fun starts:

Put the bag over there.

I can't possibly know where there is.

Nobody pointed to anywhere and there is no obvious place the bag would go.

Naturally, I'm the stupid one.

However,  nobody told me there was a part missing and a translation involved...

Put the bag over there means Hand me the bag and put the anvil over there 

Something tells me I'm not going to get out of this one alive.

My favorite bit of communication, which really isn't communication, is "Get me that box - it's over there."

This involves many tasks that are not apparent to the novice ear. 

Which box? There where?

This also contains a subliminal trick, which there's no way you could see coming...

Even after you figure out which box and where 'there' is, you spend 10 minutes looking for it, then you have to engage Her because you can't find it. 5 minutes later, it's "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I put it there."

Meanwhile you're sweating bullets because it's supposed to be right in front of you and you can't see it.

I have a job list. No surprise for guys, it's a list of jobs to do around the house.

It's one of 30 job lists hidden around the house.

Job #1 is 'Find the job list.'

This is so loaded with permutations that you can live and die upon it. If you can't find the job list, you don't have to do anything. Of course if you don't do anything, you get right back to the somewhat agitated circumstances that caused the job list in the first place. 

The latest job list, the Official job list, was done a week ago. It is already missing.

I have asked twice as to its location. The first time it had moved under a spare television. As of last night, no one knows. And when I say no one knows, I mean someone is very angry at me because I don't know where it is. I know where it isn't: it isn't where it was left when it was drafted. Somehow this is my fault.

We're not an organized couple. In order to get a clue, she bought all sorts of books on organizing. They're currently blocking a doorway, next to the stack of books on getting rid of clutter.

I could write a book. I could write several books. No one would buy them, but I could write a book. A relationship, regardless of what kind, revolves around 2 people: one who sits on the couch a lot and one who gets upset a lot. Now I figure things would be so much better if the one who gets upset a lot wouldn't get so upset (a lot). This could lead to marital or other bliss. 

The one who sits a lot has developed his skill through years of sitting - he didn't just move in and plop himself down on a couch, no sir. He has a finely honed skill of ignoring things and people. One is not born with this skill. He can sit there and watch heavy iron cookware leap off counters, people throwing glassware, and a 1974 Camaro sitting in the living room without being bothered by any of it. 

The other person, not so much. 

This is not to say he will ignore a leak, especially one leaking on him, while he's on the couch. It's just not terribly likely he'll notice too many other leaks. Take it easy on him - he just figured out he has a back yard.  He started out ignoring his mother when he was young. This started his lifetime of skills. He proceeded to ignore teachers, then girlfriends, then cohabitants. This all led to his wife. She's probably his 2nd wife, because the first had a larger problem with being ignored than he thought. Bitch.

So I can't do stuff if I can't find the list.

Some of the stuff on the list is patently ridiculous, like cleaning gutters. If the Flying Spaghetti Monster had meant man to get up on really tall ladders, he would not have given him an incurable fear of heights. Sometimes the Listmaker also has a fear of heights (acrophobia or OH SHIT!!!). This might also remove other things from the list, like roofing, the part of the house that's falling down, pipes, and anything that involves dirt.  Ok, the dirt part is something different. Mother told me that when I was very little, I'd get my hands dirty and come home to wash them after playing. I remember none of this, but it makes a great story. It also explains why I'm a Knowledge Worker - I don't have to get my hands dirty. So anything involving dirt is out. Not liking dirt is a completely separate thing from compulsive hand washing, which used to be called OCD, but is now called good Flying AIDS hygiene.

I actually had a fight with a shipping/receiving department. He said bringing up the computer boxes was our job. We said boxes were his job: we're knowledge workers.

The slight exception is vacuuming. We all know how this winds up: the vacuum gets clogged up with animal, service elephant, and people hair, and winds up becoming airborne, taking out a few unnecessary lamps. This is an extremely clever way of clearing clutter and downsizing. When stuff doesn't work, launch it. So I've got vacuuming nailed.

Let's see... what else is on that mythical list that can't stay in 1 place for more than 2 hours...

We're plagued with Zombie Trash and Zombie Dishes. As soon as I do the dishes, they're back, like zombies. There are only 2 of us, yet the dishes sometimes come back in larger numbers. The trash goes out on trash day (I can perform this task also) and by the time the cans are back up, the one in the kitchen is full. I was thinking of getting one of those obnoxious ghostbuster groups in to study this, but they're afraid of zombie trash. This is why you never see episodes with trash in them. And that guy with the hat is so obnoxious, the house wouldn't let him in (Zac?). If he spent more time looking for ghosts and less time looking in the mirror... I liked that show were the 2 lead guys worked for Roto-Reuter. "We'll clean your pipes and get rid of your ghosts."  Actually the whole field is misnamed. They come into your house, completely disrupt everything, piss off the dog, and deploy video all over the place. They run around with meters, saying WOW - LOOKIDAT!" The ghosts shave half their body hair off overnight. The next day they sit you at a table and say, "Yup, you've got ghosts," then rush off in search of higher ratings.

So I have to be very careful not to let Zombie Trash or Dishes get me down.

Next on the job list, should we ever find it, is dusting.

This is a joke, and something we just put on the list for fun. We try dusting every now and then, but realize it's just not working. If you dust the tv, you get Zombie Dust the next day. Why bother? For our 20th anniversary in the house, we plan on dusting. We have the masks for it now...

Why does my neighbor drive with a mask on?

I wonder if he kisses his girlfriend with a condom on.

Putting stuff away: look, I have a lot of guitars and musical equipment. It would make sense that it's in a lot of places, right? My guitar room is overflowing. The point becomes moot when I mention someone's shoes all over the place because the shoe room is overflowing.  Look, I finally got rid of the Camaro in the living room - cut me a break. I still long for that beautiful blue tube tester for the living room, but it was too expensive. My friend still has that beautiful red air compressor in her family room and I didn't ask for one. Besides, if you put something away, you'll need it sooner, plus you won't remember where you put it away. It's easy for you to say you put it in the shoe room, but you will not be able to find it in the shoe room when you need it. If nothing else the Shoe Room Monster will have eaten it or moved it somewhere else. Let's see ghostbusters get rid of that problem. They'll have to carry diapers with them because they keep wetting their pants. The Shoe Room Monster plays nice with us, but doesn't like strangers.

I had a tube tester. It was from Radio Shack. I struck a deal to trade it for a piece of guitar gear. I made the mistake of giving her the tube tester first. She had the nerve to die in the meantime, leaving me without the tube tester or the guitar gear. I say ridiculous stuff on a regular basis, but I wasn't going to ask her husband for the tube tester back. 

Anybody seen my job list?

Legalize Lawn Darts!

WHat - you don't capitalize the second letter of sentences?
I keep trying to figure out why I do this. I suspect it's my ADD, smacking my dyslexia around.



The Vatican says people cannot choose or change genders.
This will come as quite a shock to the people who already have.

Perhaps they say Outrageous Stuff to take attention away from their hobbies.




Dear lefty:

• I heard that children as young as two are using the internet.
• At least they have an excuse for acting like a two year old.

The British conservative party (The Screamin' Starchies) introduced the first 47 candidates to replace the other lady who left. The issue is not that there are 47 candidates.. the issue is that one of the candidates is mildly attractive, which has thrown the entire election into chaos. The British Dental Association is involved, asking how they can possibly live up to the standard of perfectly normal teeth. The news outlets are looking to hire style commentators. The Chinese already have cheap knockoffs of her dresses. The British Hat Consortium has come unglued because she hasn't been seen wearing one of those conservative, laid back hats, the size of a small horse.

The candidate in question, Lady Fah Fah Fah Hosehead Knickers, blamed the entire brouhaha on Trump, silencing the controversy permanently.




Da Blooz

Funny how stuff works.
I came about my blues lessons by second generation blues players, like Led Zeppelin, Jeff Beck, and Eric Clapton; only I didn't know it. They were simply idols.

Around 1980, Stevie Ray Vaughan broke and took heads off with his fire and strong blues playing. SRV introduced the blues to everyone, including people who never heard of it.

Stevie made me curious, so I went back to do some exploring.
Listening to the three Kings, Albert, BB, and Freddie (RIP all), I began to see where SRV picked up his licks. Albert King immediately drew my attention because I recognized where Stevie got most of his licks. There's audio and video evidence of the two performing together, which must be seen. T Bone Walker was an early bluesman who had a heavy influence on future rockers, as did the spiritual Robert Johnson. He was the subject of Crossroads, with Ralph Macchio and Steve Vai.  If you listen to SRV before he hit big, you'd hear the influence of Eric Clapton, which jumps right up and grabs your ear.

It's mind-expanding to listen to the old masters and realize where my second generation heroes got it from. They sped it up and distorted the tones, but it's all there - they just renamed it Rock.

• Once again, a reminder to make sure you don't expose Remote Desktop Protocol to the internet. There is a patch from Microsoft - install it. There are at least two very serious backdoors that will infect your computer and make your information no longer yours. RDP has no security. It should not be anywhere near the internet.

California, a small planet west of Arizona, will be extending full health benefits to illegal aliens.

People keep re-electing these politicians. Apparently they, like Bernie Sanders, believe everything is free. The designation 'illegal' has no meaning for them. TIP: Identify as an illegal alien; you'll get full benefits. Within a year, I expect to have a pass for robbing banks too.

• Oxfam, a popular charity, got caught during an investigation with a culture of sexual abuse of the people they're supposed to be helping, some children. The company ignored the behavior. Oxfam said they're very sorry (for getting caught) and they'd do everything they could (to avoid getting caught). Further, to fix the problem, they will be hiring the Catholic church's public relations firm.

Joe Biden came out of the gate swinging. I prefer the Biden who did Goofy Stuff... it's difficult to take him seriously, especially when there are no women to fondle. It must be like when Al Franken went into politics... a comic trying to get people to take him seriously. Trump's response: did someone teach him to read?

All of this has been verified in a Quinni.... Quinnipee.... Quinnipeepee... popular poll.





If you have a Whirlpool dryer in the UK, you are advised to unplug it in an immediate fashion, lest it catch fire. Whirlpool said it's very sorry (for getting caught) and safety is its first priority. They're proud of their record, only taking four years to deal with the problem, and only after the government got involved. They are committed to fixing the problem (not getting caught again) and have turned down all requests to appear on the news or at polo matches. They will modify any defective units (about 500,000) or offer a discount on a new dryer, which will catch fire more spectacularly. All new Whirlpool appliances come with fire extinguishers, which are illegal in the UK because the firefighter union complained it takes away jobs.

F- Off, I'm Having a Bad Day

Well, I'm not, but that fellow in England who just got pulled over by the nice policeman probably is.

That phrase was on a bumper sticker. The nice policeman kept pointing out that this was no good; somebody could take offense (offence in Britain). So it had to come off.

The US has no shortage of issues with hurt feelings but the First Amendment covers us, sort of. We're not all that concerned about someone taking a fence. It's astounding to me. Also astounding is the absolute look of shock in the eyes of the police when someone says a bad word. They threaten to arrest them for Public Order. Citizens of England: you better stop this before your government outlaws offensive thoughts.




ThermionicEmissions has been here approximately seven years.
Time flies when you're... ummm... here.

No Idea Where I Am

The above phrase denotes location, and when there's a location issue, we just know another Garmin Rant<tm> is coming.

And we're right!

First we went guitar and device shopping. This is traditionally a total failure, and we were not disappointed. With hundreds of guitars all over the walls, there were three low line lefties. That is par for the course, so it wasn't a big deal. I spent my time looking for deals on amplifiers and pedals, none of which presented themselves to me as a deal or a must-have.

So it was the wife's turn to shop, but we weren't sure where the store was. Hey, let's ask the Garmin.

The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I joked about what happened the last time I used the Garmin... it tends to make me very angry. As the address went into the infernal device, it appeared that I was not the only person upset by the Little Black Box from Hell. It couldn't find the listing for the store. Every other store, yes; this one, no.

Why didn't you use a different device, like maybe your phone, you ask. Good question. The answer is that last time we used three different devices, all of which tried to make us drive into the water, to a different state.

Finally the address came up and we were off.  Really far off.
The long and short of the trip was that it was two turns down the road. This will be pretty easy to remember for next time, if there is a next time.

The five minute trip took a total of one hour.

The Garmin told us to go down the street a bit and make a right at "Street". I don't know about you, but I'm willing to bet there are no streets in the state called Street. There is a Street Road (no, really), but it was about an hour away. So we took a guess and turned onto Street. Went to the end. It told us to make a left. Into a parking garage. I'm a good sport, so I made a left into the parking garage, thinking we were taking a shortcut through the garage. Heh heh.

Following the EXIT signs, we came out exactly where we were when the black box told us to make a left (into the parking lot). My temperature was headed up. As the navigator, her job was to procure the directions and communicate them at less volume than a 767 taking off, or a Slayer concert, whichever is louder. The literal temperature in the car went up twenty degrees. The passengers had become quiet because they sensed war, and trusted the Garmin almost as much as we did.

I headed them off at the pass, but was foiled at every intersection by stop signs that only applied to me. Before you go thinking that my mind has finally gone south due to extreme paranoia, I must explain that we were in a large shopping complex, with complex turns. All stores were outside, like a long, winding, tortuous mall without a roof. The stop signs were all pointed at mall traffic, not street traffic, so we had to wait for street traffic to stop. The joke was on us... the street traffic never stopped.

Visually, we had one long block to go. Timewise, we might have been home before we got the length of the block. The little black box that caused explosions outside it was so friendly as to let us know to make a turn onto "Street" at the end of the block. We persevered until Street. What are the odds that a state would have two Streets within yards of each other? Thirty minutes later, I pulled the car into a handicapped spot. In lieu of a handicapped tag, I just left the Garmin hanging from the mirror, tied like a noose. The police would understand.


I'm here for your pleasure. Someone should derive pleasure from my misfortunes. Also my fortunes, should they ever occur. Statistically, they will, but statistics are pretty bad on the when. According to the many statisticians who read this blog, fortune will in fact occur; definitely by the time I am unable to type or change my diapers.

The universe is a strange place. The Universe really gets off on screwing with people, under the guise of helping them. Everything is related, according to Dirk Gently, and many other people who like phrases. The problem here is that one has to put this cryptic system together until it makes sense. This is virtually impossible, given phrases like "you will know then" and "maintaining operational readiness." It's like the bible, Shakespeare, and what the dead allegedly say to the living. It makes absolutely no sense and you're left wondering why they can't simply explain it to you in English. Because that would ruin all the fun.

Although I too can't understand the bible, Shakespeare and the dead, sometimes I see the results.... usually in hindsight, like a smack upside the head with a small foreign car. The car always loses.

So in hindsight, I figured out why I couldn't find anything to spend money on at the guitar shop: my idiot employer submitted incorrect information and I now have a tax bill that would purchase many guitars.

Stop laughing - it gets better. This bill was for a few years ago. Every year I'm going to get another bill until this clears up. You may now continue laughing. I haven't had this much fun since the IRS failed to steal enough of my money in taxes and I came up with a bill that made my head spin around and spit pea soup. And then I got mad. I actually upset the IRS, as they told my wife when she spoke to them.

One of the truisms in life is that you can't fight city hall. In fact, you can't even get in touch with city hall. I called and was put on hold but assured that their best people would be with me as soon as they were done assisting other customers.  I was assured of this repeatedly over the next thirty minutes, right up until the message changed... "We are open til five o'clock. Please call back during business hours." [CLICK].

They honestly felt bad for me, so they sent me an envelope. In it was their sincere apology and a high-level personal contact to help move this along.  Of course I'm kidding.. it was another bill, with another stack of money added in for interest, Getting Hung Up On Fee, Calling on a Friday Fee, and Affixing Postage to the Envelope Fee.

By this time, I had stopped spitting pea soup and went to blood instead. Whose blood was not important at the time. I went to call them, because it worked so well last time (see the theme here?). There was one phone number, for payments. I dug around and found another number. All circuits were busy.  BUSY? What is this - 1980? Did we overwhelm the entire city's phone network? Or was the phone company also given the day off for the Eagles parade (2 days early)?

Speaking of which, there is a public transportation lottery to see who will be allowed to board public transportation to the parade. Entire stations will be closed and bypassed. With public and parochial schools closed, people taking off work, denizens of the area, and people working in the area taking 'extended lunches', it should be a real blast. I'll probably be the only one at work.



Great.. now I've depressed myself.
But in a sadly amused and creative way.

• Sometimes stuff seems so obvious that I scream at the tv screen or the computer monitor because they're so stupid. A perfect example was the aforeblogged news story about the government UFO secret program that studied UFOs for a few years. As I pointed out, we've been studying UFOs since at least 1947, probably longer. The facts are not hidden at all.
• Another ridiculous excuse handed out by SETI and others is lifeforms from so incredibly far away could never visit us because it would take several forevers to get here. This sounds like an acceptable answer, provided you don't think about it for longer than about ten seconds. Forgive my fuzziness on the topic but there is a thing called the Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which is essentially a wormhole. Obviously we can't test it just now, but it's a theory, and that Einstein fellow sure was bright. I think it's safe to assume that aliens can be thousands or millions of years ahead of us, so isn't it possible they have the Einstein-Rosen thing figured out - or its replacement?
• Keep in mind I'm not saying that the unidentified flying things seen in the air contain alien life. I'm just countering more than one excuse at a time.
• Take a moment. Get to your Quiet Space. Now imagine handing an android tablet to Ben Franklin. What would he do with it? Would he be able to understand and operate it?
• It's exhausting, always being right.

Good News/Bad News

Congress just put together a budget.

The good news:

• Congress just put together a budget.
• it is a bipartisan effort

The news you were expecting:

• It will require one more stopgap bill to keep the government allegedly running until March
• It will last two years
• It will add $380 TRILLION to our spending
• It will require Congress to increase the debt limit, as the bottom-dwelling self-serving scum-sucking subhumans do every budget, along with stalling.
• Congress wants to thank you for all the cards, letters, and good wishes, and would like you to know that their free healthcare will continue, with no deductibles or copayments, forever, despite any other healthcare crisis that the entire country may or may not be experiencing.

The commentary:

• One republican said he won't vote for it even if President Trump calls him and asks for his vote (somebody read The Art of the Deal ).
• Nancy Pelosi said there was no way she'd vote for it and gave a multi-hour filibuster on why president... uhh.. .Bush.. no.. Obama.. was wrong for this country, especially considering the healthcare crisis for Uranus. Furthermore, the rain in plane stays currently on the can, which affects the brain flowers that cause ammoniamentia in puppies.
• The president got more money for the Pentagon. So, you know, we'll all be safer. Unless, of course, we work in the Pentagon and a small drone happens to crash into it, producing four entire frames of video.
• The dems got more money for social causes, like the opioid crisis, because throwing tons of money at problems always fixes them.
• The country and future generations got screwed, so no change there.

If at first you don't succeed, being awake may not be for you.

• So there's this new, magic technology that can put faces on bodies, in decent, believable quality video. Naturally this has been adopted by porn, so a celebrity face goes on a porn star body. This is called Deepfake. As much fun as this sounds, the spoilsports at Reddit, Twtter, and Pornhub have banned them. The social networks are doing what you'd expect, but when adult sites do it, you know the legal team has had their say. To be fair, we get this.

A gender equality campaigner from London has received general praise from men and women on the internet for having a 'smashing pair of tits.' A Faceyspaces occupant posted gender equality content on her page and within an hour, had 2,000 comments that she had a stupendous set of mammalian protuberances.

If the picture in the article is the person mentioned, the commenters are dead on. Even straight women are commenting in a positive fashion. I never suspected how wonderful social media could be.  Had this happened in America, there would be rampant aneurysms in collegiate circles, fainting, and Unbelievable Outrage all over social media. In response, there would be Unbelievable Hilarity from the Social Media Joy Squad, having a poke at the Fainting Feminists. It makes great reading.

As this is in England, the commentors had better watch out, because you can be hauled down to the pokey for making 'rude' comments. Wouldn't want to offend anybody Over There, would we?

• Digressing for a moment (as usual), Philadelphia Police have stopped showing up for run of the mill crimes. The only sure way to bring them around is to say 'gun' in your call.
• In England, it would appear that bringing the police becomes a much easier feat if you tell them that people are hurling racial slurs out in the open. It appears that the worst crime you can commit is hurting someone's feelings.
• Keep in mind that my England knowledge comes from Monty Python and, for current day information, English police shows.

• You simply can't out-parody reality department: Antifa disrupts Swedish  LGBT parade because 'Gays are offensive to Muslims...'
• It would appear that this worldwide anti-fascist group is behaving in a fascist manner. The irony is obviously lost on them.

President Trump has addressed the National Prayer Breakfast, because screw the First Amendment - we need to prove we're holy. At least to court the religious backers.

• Just in case you were bored, Richard Pryor's widow tells us that Richard slept with Marlon Brando. “It was the ’70s!” she said. “Drugs were still good, especially quaaludes. If you did enough cocaine, you’d f–k a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.” Read this - it's great.

Spirit Airlines suggested a passenger flush her emotional support hamster down the loo. Spirit wouldn't allow the rodent on the plane, even though the student checked in advance. They deny saying it.  Meanwhile, United Airlines is partying because it wasn't them this time.

I can't say more: my emotional support elephant is getting very upset.

• Upset because they haven't been in the news for anything stupid this week, California announced it will block the transportation of petroleum from new offshore oil rigs, a Trump administration program.
• California just won the award for most congested driving. I am going to consult for the California Department of Transportation. Although I will pad my services out for several years, the award-winning proposition will be writing TRUMP on the dirt of the trucks that bring fuel into California. In less than a day, there will be no gasoline in the entire state, hence no traffic. I'll make millions!

This security researcher decided to set up her apartment as a Smart Home. With a little help from her friend, she set up monitoring to see what the devices collected and where they sent it to. Before you die of suspense, every device collected information and sent it upstream to the manufacturer and marketers. Precisely as I said. But you should read the article anyway, to get an idea of how everything worked. The conclusion is very interesting too, although it wouldn't exactly be mine.

I'm not sure how I'd set things up if these devices were in  my house. If you stop your data from being sent, you won't get updates for the devices. The data, meanwhile, builds a profile of what you do and when. What time you're home. Exactly what you watched on tv and when. Pictures of you (and the baby), walking around, possibly naked or half-dressed. Maybe using the couch for something other than sitting.

The truly sad part is that in 1984 (the book), you watched the tv and the tv watched you. Your smart tv is already watching you. You might put cameras in the house too; at this point, you've already done the spy agencies' job for them.   The devices promise, and sometimes deliver, convenience. Why is the paranoid lunatic from that blog so against the Internet of Things? Sure I'd like a few.. but the downside isn't worth it. Take a moment and think about that.

Not addressed here is the fact that the majority of IoT devices are insecure by design, so 'others' can potentially see what you're doing.

• Elon Musk launched a rocket. A private firm. This is pretty big. If it continues, we may infect surrounding planets with our presence. If there was any time for the aliens to make themselves known, it's probably now.
• There is documented history of nuclear weapons being interfered with, concurrent with unknown aerial objects at close range. This is information only - you're free to do the research and draw your own conclusions.

A local concert venue just let me know tickets are on sale for Tony Bennett and Gov't Mule. Hopefully not at the same time.

• Look.. if I don't turn you into a raving acutely aware person, let some scientists do it: A team of scientists from around the world confirmed millions of viruses rising into the atmosphere, traveling — sometimes for thousands of miles — and falling back down to the surface. All of the sudden, agoraphobia is starting to sound pretty good, isn't t?

Uh-oh.

Male dogs win the Westminster dog show almost twice as often as females.

Hollywood is now wearing brown, in sympathy with fur. All colleges are now on strike for gender equality and demanding that male dogs be excluded from the show.

• Covered up by OXFAM, the charity's rescue workers paid refugees for sex, while helping in earthquake-torn Haiti.
• The US military has been said to be almost an invading force to women in countries where they are stationed. I'd say OXFAM is a giant step up: they actually compensated the people they had sex with.  This provided the prostitutes a job amid all the destruction and kept volunteer morale up, so to speak. Win-win.