Frosting a Cake with a Paper Knife

A very common story told by people who have technically died and come back, is the Near Death Experience (NDE).  You know the story... traveling down a long hallway toward the light.. or a garden where your late relatives are waiting for you.

Sit down for a moment.
Stop the external and internal noise.
Go into the dark, maybe to the light, maybe a local light.
Are your friends and relatives there? Which ones?
What is their message, if any?
Think about it.



My wife experienced it.
She was up on the ceiling looking down.
Saw dead relatives.
They told her it's not time - go back.
Fortunately she did.


You're free to poo-poo it. You can tell me it's hypoxia and they're hallucinating (except they all seem to hallucinate the same thing).  It's a thought exercise. You don't even have to believe it's real.

• Things are going relatively well, in that I haven't heard more about the alpacas.

Parents are weird.

Even the most rational of parents have interesting little quirks.

My parents have some rather huge ones.

They're going on vacation, which is wonderful and we're all jealous. A family tradition is to take family to the airport. 

But not my parents. They leave early.

Early?

A day early.

From the airport?

No, but near the airport.

My mother, who can tell you who is about to call before the phone rings, likes to sleep at a hotel by the airport so they can get on the plane in the morning. To this day, no one understands why. I am the reason for many odd things she does, but I'm not owning this one.

• heard on tv: The Lesbian Cheering Squad is his latest picture.

The Pentagon has issued a directive restricting the use of fitness trackers and other devices at sensitive locations or high risk war zones.   The reason for this is that they got caught using the devices that divulged their location. In other words, nobody had an inkling that these devices could cause a problem, until it was pointed out in public. Then a directive was issued.

How long has ThermionicEmissions been warning about these devices? Please don't tell me one low level security d00d outdid the Pentagon by going ahead in his time machine and seeing what was going to happen. What clairvoyance! It's almost like he IS the future.

Seriously, folks.... we know the govt is a humongous monolithic organization that gets nothing done overnight (or century - you've worked at large corporations), but this....  this was not hiding in some black corner of the Dark Web, in back of Hitler's Rolls, under the picture of J. Edgar Hoover in full dress. This was a huge, beaconing, genuine emergency, visible to anyone who took a minute to think about safety and privacy.  I don't expect Joe Consumer would spend much time on this, but it shouldn't require a Serious Security Professional Prognosticator to check the Magic IT Ball to see the future.

These are the folks who protect our nation. Who spin up unbelievably huge new departments to help 'protect' us, at a cost exceeding the GNPs of most countries combined. You know better than to get me started on the result of this (TSA), right? Smile when you read your pay stub and see what you're paying for this.

This could be the harbinger of Bad Things in the armed forces. Wait - let me check my time machine.... fwwwwwip - yup, this is not going to be pretty.  Within the next few years, the Pentagon will restrict 'checking in' to Afghanistan location apps and posting your lattitide/longitude on Faceyspaces. No selfies of you in the sand on Instagram. And NO tweeting your location if you're in a country 'helping its leaders to better position the upcoming vote'. 

If this sort of thing is allowed to continue, it will no longer be fun to be in the military!


The Pentagon is welcome to contact me for consulting, but I'll save them a lot of money by having the NSA pass along what they gather from reading this blog. It's win-win. I get to blog, they get free warnings, and I get to help my country.

HONEY.... it's the phone... the Pentagon's calling again...

• a top supplier of iDevices had to shut down for a bit because of ransomware all over their network.  I told you iDevices are dangerous!

According to F-Secure, spam is through the roof because of the demise of Adobe Flash. Because people aren't using Flash, the criminals' pickings aren't as easy, so they turn to spam.  Here's the best part: long ago I was told that spam was so prevalent because 10% of its recipients clicked on it. Last year it was 13.4% and so far this year, it's at 14.2%. I often lament the fact that we're so incredibly stupid. I truly hoped that with time and knowledge, we'd become less stupid. That was stupid of me. We're spreading our stupid deeper and wider than ever before. We're actually getting more stupid. Not only do we not learn, we flatly refuse to, in favor of growing more stupid. But how stupid can we get, you ask? Don't ask, I say... they will never let you down.

• If you want to go against what security people say and insist on using public wifi, here are some tips to keep yourself relatively safe.

Overheard from an equipment vendor: "Our security team said we are not allowed to use the WiFi in our hotel room during this hacking convention, so I am running to the lobby to answer some emails."

We are doomed.

• They say, whoever they are, that our mind wants to see patterns in something we don't understand, so that's why we see things that aren't there. I wonder if this goes for the ears... The television is usually on at a volume which allows it to be heard in most of Australia, so I'm forever yelling COULD YOU TURN IT DOWN A BIT - AT LEAST TO AFRICA? I was just about to yell again, when I saw the tv was off. This means I'm hearing a tv that isn't on. The technical term for this is auditory hallucination. The technical remedy is antipsychotics. After too long or too many, one starts to sound like Ozzy Osbourne and shake a lot. I'd prefer to think my ears want to hear patterns.
• And that, my friends, is how babies are made.

COWORKER FOLLIES

HIM: This list has the information you want

ME: Do you remember the site for that information?

HIM: Whaddaya mean - the list?

ME: The site where it resides

HIM: On the list. Let me take a picture of the list and text it to you

ME: WHERE THE DEVICE LIVES, where it is plugged into power, where it sits behind a door, its location, where it gets a network plug, where it blinks its lights, where people go to fix it when it breaks, DID YOU LEAVE YOUR MEDICINE HOME AGAIN TODAY?

Frosting a cake with a paper knife... refers to a very old tv commercial for canned icing. It's so moist, you can spread it with a paper knife. Then she does. This was satirized by Frank Zappa in 'Flakes':

I am a moron and this is my wife
She's frosting a cake with a paper knife....

Yes, It's a Reptle

Know what Winning is?
A lizard named Harriet.

• I just saw a commercial for this 'miracle combination bamboo bra', which was guaranteed to overcome every problem women have ever had with bras. I'm thinking that if you have an issue with your bra, you probably don't want one made of bamboo. Getting poked in the boobs by little bamboo probes all day has to be somewhat unpleasant. The Vietnamese used to put slivers of bamboo underneath the fingernails of their enemies to torture them.

Sometimes you gotta be a dick. Well, sometimes *I* have to be a dick. No idea why - it's almost a primal instinct. For some reason, I feel compelled to mess with people who have OCD. 

Well, not only me. At my last job, there was a lady who had some serious OCD. She'd go into a meeting room, and before the meeting, would notice a picture on the wall that wasn't straight. She'd get up from her seat to fix it. In absolutely no time at all, another Total Bastard picked up on this. He'd wait til she fixed the picture and sat down, at which point he'd get up and tilt it a bit. He'd sit across from her to watch her get up. It was beautiful to watch, especially when it happened after the meeting started.

Mrs. lefty has an OCD tendency or two. Since we're in the same house and married, I have absolutely no choice in the matter. When watching tv, the volume must be on an even number. She cannot explain why, but gets visibly upset when I ask. Therefore I must change the volume to an odd number. She gets more excited and changes it back. Not to be outdone, I change it back. She tells me it no longer matters, and she'll just watch tv. Within sixty seconds, the pressure is too great and the volume needs to go back to the even number. We actually have two remotes, just in case. If I'm in a particularly evil mood, we'll watch an entire program, then I'll casually mention that the volume was on an odd number the entire time. She says no problem, but I know she won't be sleeping that night.

A previous girlfriend had to get out of the shower by the rear of the curtain. Without any choice in the matter, I kept opening the front of the curtain and insisting we get out there. She turned white, pulled the curtain in the other direction and got out quickly, lest I catch her.

I told you I was a dick.

• From the people who brought you diversity hiring (white people), comes a new app called ShopNoir, which allows you to Buy Black this holiday season. If I had even the smallest clue about programming, my app would be called ShopSinister, which allows you to Buy Left-Handed this holiday season. 
• This will be followed by ShopCracker, for buying white; ShopHanukah for buying Jew (the Anti Defamation League will be calling later today); and ShopGyno, for female-owned stores this holiday season. Not represented so far are the potential beneficiaries of ShopWhich, the transexuals, who are currently out protesting. Last but never least is ShopCorrect, where you don't buy from the white male patriarchy and its opposite number ShopPrivilege, in case you want to shop exclusively with White Male Patriarchy Privilege.
• None of this will matter, as most people will ShopCheap.

We ran out of soda the other day [loud, suspenseful sound effect from Law and Order-SVU]. Wife said she was so desperate, she actually drank water. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I don't provide well for my family.

• TODAY'S TIN FOIL MINUTE: According to Consumer Intelligence Research Partners, about 20 million homes have a voice-activated assistant (Amazon Echo or Google Home). That's 20 million people who paid a sum of money for Amazon or Google to spy on them and keep their personal information. What could possibly go wrong?
• This is another salvo in the War on Privacy, proving yet again that people are voluntarily ignorant about privacy or they simply don't care. Or both.
• Not that the concept is a bad one.... this is the future, where you simply speak to your house and it does Stuff for you. It's truly cool to ask your house when is the last showing of Deep Throat at the Adult Metroplex, in the seedy part of town. Soon you'll be able to order tickets via your house, allowing you the option of Just Cleaned seats or discount Sticky seats.
• When voice recognition technology is processed in the cell phone, instead of going upstream to servers, where it is kept, I'll start using it. The moment you want one service to interact with another, you're putting yourself out there.

A new survey of 1,600 Australians shows most people are concerned corporations are violating their privacy online. A similar survey of Americans shows most are concerned with Kim Kardashian and cat pictures.

•  A high level IT tech receives an emergency call from his system at 5am. The main file server has gone offline. He remote connects to the system, or at least he tries.. the remote system that will allow him to access the server won't work, which is why companies pay for remote systems. They knew the server wasn't long for this world, so they built a new one that ran in parallel, so he did a few Magic Tricks, copied some operating system files, and had the entire new server up before anyone got into work. He announced this via email to everyone, telling them to reboot if their computers didn't recognize the new server.
• Our hero was called into the Executive Office and, instead of a hearty Thank You, Attaboy, or Bonus, got yelled at and called unprofessional for installing the new server, because some people never bother saving their documents and leave them open overnight, so they lost them.
• Security begins at home, then follows you to work. Unfortunately, it only follows IT people. Upper level might occasionally give a nod towards it, but abandon it immediately if it becomes inconvenient for them. They even go so far as to hire expensive security experts to make recommendations for them to completely ignore.
• My old department put PINs on the corporate cell phones, for safety and privacy reasons. We also set all PCs to automatically lock after 5 minutes, so when people got up from their desks, others couldn't walk by and see private data or prohibited medical information. The Chief Operating Office appeared at my desk one week later, demanding we remove the PIN from her phone, because "security is.... inconvenient."  Right after that, the department was dragged into a six month series of meetings to decide the right amount of time before the computers locked. Everyone had input, which was somewhat less than helpful. Finally, the topic was dropped because people found it inconvenient to have to re-log into their computer when they walked away for a meeting or lunch or to flirt with a colleague, who would rather drink gasoline than deal with their neighbor.
• We are doomed.

Good things do happen, even in Philadelphia. Some bright light ran out of gas on the highway. A homeless man happened by and, seeing her plight, walked to a gas station and spent his last twenty dollars on gas for her. Do you want to talk about Heart?

More than impressed, the motorist set up a GoFundMe page to raise a few thousand to get the gentleman set up with an apartment and job services until he could support himself well.

The GoFundMe went somewhat over expectations; about three hundred thousand dollars at last count. The man received a house and a tidy sum, along with job counseling.  What did he do? Donated money to organizations that helped him. Do you want to talk about Heart?

• Ideally, you should use a Virtual Private Network (VPN) when doing anything from your computer. The connection can't be snooped on, offering full privacy for your data. One VPN service, PureVPN, boasts they don't keep logs, so you're secure from the authorities. Well, it turns out they lied: the FBI contacted them for information on a customer suspected of committing a crime and they turned over a treasure trove of information (that they don't keep).
• If you read this far, you'll be happy to know the following are no log VPNS: NordVPN, ExpressVPN, CyberGhostVPN, SaferVPN, and VYPRVPN.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. And it was a bad time too. 

Some internal process started arguing with a different internal process.. I have no real idea what was happening, but the end result is that I felt like advanced death. It probably wasn't helping that I was at work. Sometimes I just sit there and nod off, which is fairly impressive if you happen to walk by. If it gets really bad, I feel like sitting under my desk. This doesn't happen often, which is probably a pretty good thing, as I like my job. They know me, so they might shake their heads, smile, and go on.

Eventually work ended and I somehow managed to convince the car to take me home. No, I do not have a self-driving car, but it always gets me home. Those of you who drink too much may experience a similar phenomenon. 

Once in the house, my mind turned to the thing I really wanted No, oddly enough, not sex.... I wanted a nap. A really satisfying nap. A deep, relaxing nap. The kind of nap that cures most of the world's problems.  With the total occupants in the house numbering two (the dog and me), I decided to use the couch.

This was my first mistake.  [I'm using the literary technique of foreshadowing here.]

Five satisfying minutes into my horizontal exercise, Marshall decided to surprise me by BARKING to go outside. This is unprecedented, as he naps when I nap. I told him how amused I was, and I stood there, waiting for His Highness to do his duty. As it turns out, dogs do not get embarrassed or agitated when you watch them go to the bathroom. No quid pro quo for me today.

Back in the house, dog safe and comfortable, I re-occupied the couch.

A short while later came a pounding on the door. No, the dog had not taken up pounding on the door with his water bowl.. it was yet another home improvement dude. This is the second one this week, which means they're infesting the neighborhood and we'll have to get one of those special exterminators out to help us. Fortunately it's a neighborhood problem, so everybody chips in. You know these clowns... they "happen to be working on a house in the neighborhood" and have "dropped by to see if you need anything done." Bless their pointy little heads. The altruism here is astounding - you just don't get this class of home improvement goodness in other sections of the city. 

I am a reasonably polite person - stop laughing NOW. Most people would simply slam the door in his face. I think that's kinda rude and Mom taught me better (even though it's rude to interrupt my nap, dinner, or anything else I'm doing, by knocking on my door). I politely tell him no thanks, but have a nice day. As it turns out, he's hip to this, probably because no one else will give him the time of day (or belly button lint). He keeps talking. I wish him a good day again, at which point he brings out the big guns: "Oh, so you're not planning to DO anything about your mess of a house?"

I could choose to be insulted. I could pitch a fit. I could throw my car at him. But I figured all of these would require putting more time (and heaven forbid, effort) into this project, so the best way would be to question the species of whatever gave birth to him, continue to wish him the most spectacular of days, and slam the door so hard he literally blows across the street, where he'll undoubtedly bang on their door. What he does next is sheer genius... he tells my neighbor they're doing work on MY house and would he like a quote. The neighbor has no choice but to order some work, because if the Problem House on the block (mine) is getting something done, others would be ashamed not to. Fortunately this is no longer my problem.

Back to the couch I go, laughing at the sheer hilarity of what has become a comedy sketch about someone trying to simply take a nap. 

And nap I did. For damn near fifteen minutes, when ANOTHER knock occurred. This is getting tiresome, I though to myself, while continuing to snicker. Praying it wasn't another chance to sign up for work on my house, I opened the door to find my wife standing there.  As anyone would imagine, regardless of whether they know her or not, my wife has house keys. To this actual house. Our house. The house with the really comfortable couch, upon which I was just napping. Judging by the plastic bag she was holding in her mouth, it appeared she'd need help. Let's face it... if I were overloaded, coming to my front door, I'd either have my keys in hand or drop something and get my keys. Perhaps being a woman comes with some sort of entitlement to have locked doors opened for you; I certainly don't know.

Deciding to keep all of my parts intact, I let her in and grabbed some bags. Strangely, I then went back to the couch, perhaps because I like pain and aggravation.

My wife, bless her, made sure to do everything she could to avoid annoying me, like talking for twenty minutes about her day, what she had for lunch, what her friends were wearing, what we were thinking about doing next week, and how about that earthquake in Delaware. Sometimes she misses subtle signs, like the way I had the blanket wrapped around my head while I was laying flat, with my back to her. She eventually stopped talking, perhaps when she sensed my breathing stop (a trick I learned in Swami School in India, back during the war).

Mindful of my damn near sleeping state, she did not talk. She did, however, hum. Lately she hums constantly. I would be judged not guilty if I murdered her for the never ending humming but I'm not like that. I wouldn't kill her, or even bludgeon her. Or run her over, or throw her from the roof. Mom raised me better.  When she hums, I politely ask her to stop. Sometimes she's so involved in humming, she doesn't hear me. So I try again, using more volume. Finally she looks at me quizzically, asks if she was humming, and apologizes. Then starts humming again.

So she's humming, being 'quiet' while I rest. Being quiet means not asking me questions (sometimes) and walking around without kicking anything (a difficult task regardless of my state). So she walks around stealthily. And when I say stealthily, I mean BOOM, PLOD, SQUONK, PLOD, PLOD. Hey, at least she's not humming, right? She quietly plods to the door, where we keep our high tech backup alarm system, which consists of a few REALLY LOUD industrial size jingle bells on a three foot strip of leather, around the doorknob. She completely avoids slamming into the bells by simply knocking them onto the solid floor with a humongous CRASH RING RING RING.  Good thing I was resting, or I'd be really pissed.

It is at points like this that I can only think of the words I'm going to type on the blog to share with you, because there's no live studio audience to watch people torture me while I try to nap.

One last time, I beg of the universe. I just want a nap.

The next thing I know, I'm hearing my parents' voices. This is not a normal thing for me, especially when I'm sleeping and they're not in my house. But the joke was on me - they were in my house, being quiet because I was napping. I didn't hear them knocking on the door.

HEY... if I didn't hear them knocking, it means I was ASLEEP for three or four seconds. I had technically NAPPED!

she asked what I want for Christmas.

Nursing Home Roulette

In sad news, teen idol David Cassidy (The Partridge Family) is suffering from dementia.

• Everybody set for the Oscars? No? It can't be because you're not completely invested in the very important political views of the actors and actresses, could it?

A couple in London are in court, which isn't that odd. What they're in court for is a doozy... the lady and gentlemen registered for a civil partnership, which, unfortunately, was not valid the moment they signed for it. In the UK (except Northern Ireland), civil partnerships are for couples of the same sex. The court, as courts do, ruled against the couple. The three judges agreed that the couple is being treated differently because of their sexual orientation, but felt the government needed a little more time to make a decision. The couple has opened a Gofundme page for the 25,000lbs they need to take the case to the Supreme Court.

Why civil partnership, you ask?
Good question. The only difference I could find is that partnership ceremonies can be performed in private, where marriages must be in public and conducted by clergy. By clergy?

• Yeah, I do go on about security, but it's for good reason. How to encrypt your entire life in less than an hour is a great, simple tutorial on how to make security happen in your electronic life. It's not difficult and it's part of how we do things here at ThermionicEmissions.

I went into a Staples the other day and asked the nice young lady standing in the printer aisle where I could find an all-in-one laser printer. She stood there, looked quizzically at me, thought about it for a second or two, then advised me that all their printers were in this row.

This may indicate why their prices are so ridiculously high: they need to make up the lost income from people storming out the door.  I'm advanced enough to find and compare without the able assistance of employees but not everybody is. When I mentioned this on Twitter, a Staples representative made a text noise that indicated banging her head on her desk, apologized, then asked what I was looking for in a printer. This is good customer service and is indicative of many brands that have a Twitter presence. After all, you don't want to be slagged off in front of the entirety of Twitter. In the store, I was mentally composing this paragraph, because life is like that.

• I'm not sure what it means but Kid Rock is running for office and Ted Nugent is looking to in 2018. MGAA - Make Government Amusing Again? Ted has the distinction of being the only bipolar who is 100% manic.

The barista in Starbucks asked if he could help me. I asked for directions to Dunkin Donuts.

• My siblings and I are irresistible, if for nothing other than our nose hair.

I campaigned on the MAHA ticket (Make America Horny Again). I see that my work here is done.

• We were so poor, my parents couldn't afford bipolar disorder. All I got was unipolar depression.

Cleaning continues at the house. When I say it continues, I mean it happens in spurts between crises like the dog, bursting pipes, brakes, inspections, and bipolar disorder. While bipolar disorder is a very handy weight loss program (you can't eat when you can't get out of bed), it absolutely sucks eggs for a cleaning program. You'd think mania would be good for cleaning, as you'd get more done, but not so fast... yes, more appears to get done, but it's completely haphazard, with many areas being 'cleaned' at once and nothing completed.

So there is a small window in which cleaning can be accomplished. This window can vary from three microseconds to three hours, unless you take the time away from sleep, which helps clean, but causes lack of sleep problems on the back end.

My wife pulled off a spectacular feat of cleaning. I wondered about this as I woke for work, with no wife in the bed and no dog on my pillow. There were also no elephants on my pillow, which worked out wonderfully for all concerned.

Happy Monday is an Oxymoron

Why is our president and some of his staff still using a private email server? Or are they? Trump and some of his staff still have accounts on a RNC server that may or may not have been hacked, depending on what day of the week this is. Oddly enough, this is the same server used by the Bush administration to communicate during the Iraq war (let us pray... that it has been upgraded since then). Professional liar and former and present CIA head James Comey claims there was limited access to a non-used server.

Security experts are also worried about the president's use of an Android phone. The reason given is that he could be a target on insecure wifi. Yes, any of us can be a target - that's why no one should use any old wifi at any old coffee shop or at the airport. Use a VPN if you absolutely must access these services. Trump's own staff would like him to turn in the phone, especially as concerns Twitter.

Speaking as an alleged Security Dude, these people have a point. Virtually no one bothers to secure their phone, including alleged Security Professionals. Even the previous president had a custom-secured cell phone. Is the device encrypted so no one can get into it? Is there a password or PIN code that automatically locks the device? Is it accessing a secure system? Is there any actual secure information on the phone in the first place?  I'd prefer, as you would expect, the device be locked down to hell and back.. you know.... like mine. Even if there's nothing interesting there, less to attack is always better.

• Over in Iraq, the Islamic State's chief executioner, who has beheaded more than 100 people, has been knifed to death. I believe this is what they call irony. Or just desserts.

Google found and quarantined some brand new malware on a customer's android phone. Yay, they caught the malware!  Now stop for a second and think about this.... Google remotely accessed the phone to quarantine the malware. While this capability isn't news to some of us, it should be news to everybody. iDevice users, don't get all smug - your phone can be remote-accessed by Apple too. In fact at one point, programs 'disappeared'. E-books have also gone bye-bye. It's a PITA, but possible to disconnect from Google (it's beyond the scope of this paragraph). The other message here is to be very careful what you download from Google Play. Since there's very little to tell you whether the program is clean, avoid programs with few reviews, few downloads, non-English or broken English text or reviews, and authors you don't know. Stick with the majors. Also stay away from cleaners/memory boosters/speed boosters; they're not needed on android anymore.

• Ransomware knocked seventy percent of the Washington, DC, spy surveillance cameras ahead of the inauguration. Some cameras had more than one piece of malware. The ransomware was introduced via a spam email that some high-functioning, security-minded government worker opened. This affected a server with all sorts of documents. The fix to ransomware is to have good, frequent backups, of which it appears there are none. Perhaps we will be spared some aspects of the Security State by its own incompetence.

Cocker Spaniels are notorious for separation anxiety, or at least the three rescue cockers we adopted have been. Marshall prefers his people around the house at all times. I had to go somewhere today and he saw me put on my coat. He sat down and gave me this look. They have big, expressive eyes to begin with, and when they're upset, you know it. Marshall was upset. Small wonder I don't like to leave the house... poor little guy. When I got home, he was anchored to me.

Speaking of Marshall, the little darling continued his weekly visit with the vet for his ear infection, which has been going on forever. Healthy all his life, he has had problems since his cat died (grief-related illnesses?). Cockers are prone to ear problems due to their flaps and closed ear canals. The current diagnosis is antibiotic-resistant bacteria. They referred us to a Doggie Dermatologist. This little diversion cost $200, plus the new consultation. Even his parents have never seen a dermatologist.

guess who...

• How do you know when the driver in front of you is going to make a turn? His turn signal is not on.

Pasta: Yes, there's an app for that! I can't make the pasta until I charge my phone!

• Netgear routers have yet another flaw that would allow hackers to get into it remotely. Check to see if yours is listed. Disable remote administration regardless.

A popular new joke is that the Statue of Liberty is going to be deported. I suggest whoever gets it has to take the UN too.

• Yesterday we had sun, gloom, snow, and sun in the span of about an hour. This is not normal, even for here.

John Wetton, bassist and vocalist for King Crimson and Asia, lost his battle with cancer. He was 67.

• As if you didn't think I was totally tin foil hat, this should do it for you. You can be ultrasonically tracked while using cell phones, to build up a profile of you across devices. There is an android and a Chrome patch to disable it. My feeling is that if people can't hear the sound, the speaker in the phone can't put that high a frequency out. Apparently my feeling is incorrect. Further, I believe one can avoid this via turning off javascript, but time will tell.

Hey, I think I need some Magnums.

Magnum ice cream bars or Magnum large condoms?

I'm buying both to make it an extra special weekend.

• The People's Republic of Berkeley had to cancel a talk by a gay Jew who likes black guys the other night, due to rioting on campus. Yes, the tolerant students for free speech (only when it agrees with them), demanded the event be canceled. One of the ringleaders was ok with the violence and said it was 'self-defense'. So the people calling the speaker a nazi are themselves behaving like nazis. Students need to be protected from words. Remember when students protested war? Non-violently?
• Make no mistake, the students had every right to protest. Violence, however, is illegal and not the way to make one's point.
• The Associated Press and USA Today's coverage consisted of peaceful people marching with signs. There were fires, assaults with pipes, two groups protesting, an ATM smashing, cars damaged, and a live band.
• These Students of Public Relations who are essentially protesting Trump are doing a wonderful job of keeping him in office.
• The Berkeley Police ordered the students to disperse several times. They were extremely helpful in keeping order. Other police departments move in to restore order and stop further crimes. Why didn't this department?

A recent small study has revealed that black humor a sign of high intelligence. Finally-vindication!

Shhhhhh... Amazon is Listening

So how about that Amazon Echo? The little log-like device that sits on your table. You talk to it and it can order stuff, turn on lights, change the temperature and put one of your kids up for adoption (that's entirely fabricated). This is an absolute privacy nightmare, which means it's becoming a very popular item. Remember: anything that 'listens', like Echo, Siri, and Google Voice, sends everything you say to central servers. This apparently does nothing to deter people from using or purchasing these devices - my prediction is that it will get an awful lot worse (because people are stupid).

As one should expect, the police are already interested in data from one of these devices, which was in the the house where a crime was committed. According to security expert Bruce Schneier, Echo only listens for its name, so it's not likely anything was even recorded, but Amazon, to its credit, refuses to turn the information over. It's not paranoia if it's really happening. And this technology is going to be in other products soon, like your fridge. Hey, Fridge... order us some hookers.

This technology is right out of a pair of futuristic science fiction novels.... one where you walk into your house and control everything by talking to your Little Black Box. And another where the authorities can hear everything you do and the television watches you, like 1984 but worse. How about a happy medium? Or better yet, a safe one?

• Yahoo hasn't had a major email breach announced in a week or two, so they're overdue. Right on schedule, this August 2013 breach, affecting 500 million accounts, is one of the biggest on record. These guys step right up to the plate, every time, and beat themselves (and their users) over the head with their own bat (forgive the sports metaphor). When did Yahoo turn up this breach? They didn't; it came from law enforcement last November.
• In unrelated news, related to my previous recommendation: Shut. Down. Your. Yahoo. Email. Period.

Hey, straight white guys, here's the latest info: you're generally trash! At least you are according to Teen Vogue 'journalist' Lauren Duca. Dear Ms. Duca had someone banned from Twitter, then made the above wise statement. If your teen daughter reads Teen Vogue, this is what she's getting.

• Here are ten ways to harden your Android phone's security. Simple and common sense.

My coworker is helping to Make America Great Again:

HIM: I have to update the database and move it to the portal.

ME: I thought you already moved it to the portal

HIM: Which database are you using?

ME: I'm using the portal

HIM: I do not see the database on the portal

ME: here's the URL....

HIM: that's the OLD database, not the new one I'm forwarding.

ME: We have a new one?

This goes on daily.

• Word has reached this blog that Madonna has always felt systematically repressed by the omnipresent Patriarchy. I'd like to add that we have always felt systematically oppressed by her 'music'.

Long before I had started my IT Career, such as it is, I was into electronics. Right next to the shop was an elderly lady who the owner befriended. She was hearing beeps and they sent me over to check it out. I had a feeling I knew what it was and I was right - it was the smoke detector, beeping its little heart out at one minute intervals to let the owner knew the battery was running down. I was a hero for the day and she got a new battery.

I mention this stupid story as an intro to Current Day, when I started to hear beeping from across the room.  As there are no smoke detectors in that vicinity, it was a bit confusing. In fact, more than confusing. Actually, it drove two of us up a ($&#ing tree, to be polite. The tree was full of little sticky bits, like thorns on a rose, and we were full of blood. We were also screaming so much, the dog got frightened and ran. It chirped at roughly one minute intervals. I walked to the general area of the noise to locate it. At the general area, the chirping seemed to come from a different general area. I looked like a blind person trying to locate a noise, only blind people can locate noise - I couldn't. Next up came The Wife, who, similarly, could not locate the sound. Wife seemed to hear it coming from the other direction. This caused additional frustration because of the unspoken thought that either the other was deaf or stupid or disagreeing on general principles.

Wife went into Hunt Mode. When this failed, Wife went into Throwing Mode. As it turned out, Throwing Mode was quite successful, in that it stopped the chirping. We still had no idea what caused it, but the blessed relief of no bleeping more than made up for it.

This morning it started up again. No amount of hunting, screaming, or throwing would make the noise cease or reveal its location. Our only salvation was that the noise was weaker, so in theory, the battery was draining and the noise would cease some time after our brains exploded or we had killed each other and only the dog survived. We have taken a ten square foot section of the room down to bare floor with what is referred to in corporate circles as Negative Progress. I think it's one of a small quantity (100 or so) of handheld games my wife doesn't remember she owns.

I was reminded of my otherworldly skill in making things Happen when I turned this way and that, trying to localize the infernal noise. First a series of large trash trucks went down the street. Next a huge plane flew overhead. I am not making this up.

Stay tuned for important updates.

• Love him or hate him, Trumpie is always interesting. Days before officially taking office, CNN and Buzzfeed ran a story, now referred to as Pissgate. The story, as it turns out, was a joke, made up last year by the folks over at 4Chan. In other words, Fake News.  Donald had a press conference and CNN stood up with a question. The president-elect pointed at Mr. CNN and said FAKE NEWS.  The internet was abuzz, some taking him to task over Pissgate (even after it was proven false); some lauding him for telling it like it is; some screaming Freedom of the Press!
• Let's consider that everything we hear from Mainstream Media is determined by six corporate entities - radio, print, and television. Let us also consider that the press overwhelming supported Hillary Clinton for president (proven). Let's consider that Trump is largely bypassing MSM for electronic communications (Twitter, etc). I think the man has a point.
• I didn't vote for him but his achievements thus far have been interesting. This does not mean things can't go downhill, but I'm hoping things turn out well for the country. We need to come together, lest the plan of Divide and Conquer be effective - and it has been incredibly effective to date.
• BRIEF ADDITION: Rudy '911' Giuliani has been named Cyber-Czar. I had no idea Rudy had any security experience at all, but he has an information security consulting firm. The website is run by software that's years out of date and quite hackable. Let's be fair: Rudy didn't put the site up himself, but...

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) is here. This is a Really Big Deal, as manufacturers flout their wares, showing off their New Stuff. Industry people, news, and Just Plain People get to see what's coming.  This brief overview, by Twitter use Internetofshit, has some spectacular examples. My favorites are the solar charging hat and the bone conduction speaker/personal neurofeedback device. This should explain all those people who hear voices.

• Apparently there is a gender gap in information security. I will pause for a moment, while you figure out which gender is underrepresented... People are working to bridge this gap, including a non-profit called CREST. Because we really don't care about security - we just need more internal plumbing.
• When we are done fixing this problem, perhaps we can convene a worldwide special interest group, that will work to tackle this issue as it pertains to guitar players. The working motto is "We need more vaginas, not more boobs."

Yes, Pastor, Those Are Your Wife's Nudes

You think you're having a bad day.. and you just might be.. but this guy might win an award. He filed a suit against a Texas Toyota dealership alleging nude photos of his wife were sent to a swingers' site while he was buying a Toyota last year.

Hmmm..... I think I'm getting a feeling....

The allegations are quite serious under the law and the pastor and his wife have retained famous lawyer Gloria Allred (parodied on Family Guy as Gloria Ironbox). The salesman did maintain an account on the swingers' site and there's some electronic proof of hijinks, so I wouldn't want to be him at this point.

This blog would be doing a disservice to its readers if it didn't, at some point, say that pastors NEVER join swinging sites or take naked pictures of their wives or girlfriends or boyfriends or small furry rodents. And after they never submit these pictures, they also never blame anybody else because they would never have done such a thing. Unfortunately, the name of the swinging site was not released. Because we need to do our due diligence to discover facts in this case.

• although it has been joked about before and although it is doubted that this is correct, I wanted to share a small item of information on the combination of dogs and Roombas.

So maybe I'm wrong about the whole Internet of Things concept. A certain Whirlpool dryer will post a tweet when its drying cycle is finished. Because you need this in your life.

• My stomach is growling, which isn't all that odd. What IS odd is that there's a call and response thing happening between one side and the other. With different pitch growls. Do I ignore it or call an exorcist?

Thought for the day: it's way too early this morning.

• An Italian actress who pledged to perform sex acts upon people who voted no in a referendum is poised to become a woman of her word, scheduling appearances in many cities. We do not have this kind of stand-up behavior in the US: Madonna offered blowjobs to people voting for Hillary and an adult actress called Mia Kalifa offered the same for Trump voters. Neither came through.  America will never be the Best Country until we are all people of our word.

This poor British dude lost his penis in a childhood accident and recently got it replaced at tremendous cost. When word of his eight inch appliance, which could go forever, got out, he was deluged with offers. This far he has only used it with a local working girl and says he's too busy to take anyone else up on their offers.  I dunno.. I suspect we have different priorities....

Along related lines, a man was found, dead, with his penis cut off, in an NYC rest room. At this point all my male readers are bent over, crossing their legs involuntarily.

• Southwest Airlines had to make an unscheduled stop yesterday due to an additional passenger. A woman gave birth on the place. A representative for Southwest said they were overjoyed that everybody was ok and they would only charge the newborn half the going rate.

A man fatally shot his wife for urging him to kill himself. I suspect he would have gotten the better deal either way.

• Nancy Pelosi, stalwart silly person and California's recurring nightmare, just said, "I don't think people want new direction." There is also talk of California seceding from the US.  I think this is a perfect idea, especially if they appoint Pelosi as their representative. This way, no one will have to do anything and nothing will ever get done. 

Here's a well-written beginner's guide to beefing up your privacy and security online.

• Be careful of what you say at Virginia Tech: there is now a list of 50 expressions to be considered microaggressions. This joyous celebration of free speech came from meetings that included such stalwarts of independent thinking as the NAACP, the Muslim Student Association, and the Jewish Student Union.

A thief was recently apprehended with the aid of a BMW. The remote access system kept the doors locked until the police arrived. Yay - one for the good guys. Hang on... car doors being locked remotely? Remote control of many car functions, including acceleration and braking (already hacked on some cars)? All of this overriding the driver's actions?  Perhaps not.  Remember this when you buy a car.

• Mrs lefty and I were discussing her recent revulsion for the coming cold, as well as her revulsion for the heat/humidity as she gets older. I'm no great fan of either but I don't complain - it means I don't have to MOW anymore!

NOTE to anyone considering a blog on this platform: the spell checker does not recognize yay, ok, or blowjob.

Don't forget your Christmas shopping!

Now With Twice the Gluten of Normal Blogs!

Here comes the greatest morning news... the EU has launched a controversial deal with the US aimed at curbing government spying on the internet information of European citizens. Aside from the laughable content and enforcement of this deal, the EU has petitioned for more than US citizens get from their very own spy agency.

• Here's a completely non-helpful hint from Thermionic: don't use Chrome-based browsers. They're absolute memory pigs. If you want confirmation, check your total available memory before you start the browser and a few hours later - you'll be shocked. I don't use Chrome because it's Google but apparently a few of the browsers I use are built on Chrome. After a few hours, they suck up ridiculous amounts of memory. Under linux, I'm speaking of Opera and an Opera spinoff called Vivaldi. Chrome, obviously, and Iron also.

BEWARE of Pokemon. Not only because it's stupid, but if you have a (God forbid) iDevice, you could be allowing the program full access, which it may take advantage of. Here's more information and a solution but make sure to do the research.

I first became aware of Pokemon Go online, where it took me a while to figure out (I'm not always the rapid-fire pundit you read here). It was described on the news as groups of people, staring at their phones, completely absorbed. In other words, completely indistinguishable from any other day and any other group of people.  My conclusion? Mow them down.

• Speaking of apps, do you know what's at the top of the iDevice store ranking? An app to hack cars. Think about that when you get a new/used car. 

Is your cell phone constantly running out of juice? It's the price you pay for a smartphone with a large, bright screen and Serious Cell Use, Get one of the gee-whiz external charger/batteries. You can find them at local stores or Amazon for a better deal. When your phone is about to go dead, plug it into the battery and it will continue working and charging simultaneously. They come in every size from tiny (with small charging capacity) to bricks. We use them here and are very satisfied.

• Know what I hate?
• Everything.

Marshall update: he's getting worse. We may have to medicate him (for grief over losing his cat). It's only a matter of time until we're all on the same medicine.

• Disney has outlawed selfie sticks. Yes, folks, it's another step in my plan for World Domination.

We have become a very uncivilized society, partly because of barriers that we feel shield us from responsibility for what we say and do. When we're driving, we say and do things we'd never do when walking. When we're online, we say and do things we'd never do in-person. People are calling for executions of police, journalists and politicians. People are threatening society and promoting lawless behavior. We have to learn to use the system, regardless of perceived wrongs. Don't shoot police. Don't shoot each other. Don't shoot people pulled over unless necessary. Don't declare open season on police.

We gotta learn to live together.  I believe most people are decent and want peace and normalcy. Rallies and hugs and handshakes (and funerals) reinforce this. Unfortunately, rallies are not going to convince the bad element. How to deal with them? I have no idea, but at the rate things are escalating, it's going to involve bullets. None of us want to see that.

Looked at in the larger sense, this is Divide and Conquer. Trump vs Clinton. Black vs White. Meanwhile we're not coming together and we're no good when divided. 

In the Sixties, it was protest songs. In the 2000s, it's Pokemon Go.

• Check out this early review for Jeff Beck's latest album. I have only heard one track and I have to be honest - I don't like the female singer. Hopefully the rest of the release provides normal Jeff fare.

During the police shooting in Dallas, a robot was used to deliver a bomb, blowing up the shooter. Not sure I'm ok with this but just imagine what will happen when Obama ordered drones...

• Check: How to secure your router and home network

Getting a Really Stupid TV

Falling coconuts kill more people each year than shark attacks. Just thought you should know.

• Eye Bleach Brigade: Nursing home workers caught sharing nude patient images on Snapchat. This is a special kind of perverted (and I should know).

Internet of Things (Iot) doorbell available that will give up your wifi passwords to anyone with a screwdriver. Remember - this is what's coming with the IoT. It's a total security nightmare and I highly recommend against it until it's completely secured (40 years after you're dead and technology has found several new generations of buzzwords).

• "A country where you are fined for fishing without a license but where people cross the border without passports is run by idiots.”  Can't argue.

Joseph Fiennes will be playing Michael Jackson in a road trip movie. People are protesting (because it's so difficult to tell them apart).

• According to a recent study, teens and adults are opting for porn because it's 'less risky than actually having sex.' Has anybody told them there's a significant difference?

Dutch police kicked down a door after a report of "terrifying screams." It turned out to be a man singing along with opera. Hey, at least it wasn't rap.

• This is a very interesting and sad story about one of the engineers who tried to stop the Space Shuttle from launching and failed, after which it exploded.

Haven't you always hoped to meet your idols or favorites?
After reading a few on Twitter, it turns out that way too many of them have bizarre political views and are better off un-met (yeah, I get the irony). The Pythons are brilliant in 148 characters, though. Very witty, Wilde.

• Coldplay is twenty years old. Accordingly, I just heard them for the first time. I like to make up my own mind so I ignored all of the dissing they got from the public. After hearing one song and part of another, I realized that sometimes, infrequently, the public is right.

SELFIE TIME

• A lady on holiday in India tried to take a selfie at a tourist spot and fell 30' down a well. Fortunately she was rescued. No word on how the selfie turned out.

Since no one has died this week, Paul Kantner stepped up to the plate and left us yesterday. Kantner (74) founded the Jefferson Airplane. He had heart trouble previously and his organs kinda shut down.

• We just went past Data Privacy Day. As we know here, every day is data privacy day. The EFF has put together some info. One focus is your children's data in schools. There are many good links and the EFF is a great resource.  When you go to do something online, take a moment and this about how it might affect your privacy. We have to take care of ourselves - it's not in any company's or government's best interest to tell you how to maintain privacy (and security). If you have any questions, ask!

We all know about addiction and addicts. Crack addicts will break into houses to steal, sell their children and whatever else to get their fix. I've been monitoring and realized that crack addiction has absolutely nothing on the big one: of course I'm talking about cigarettes.  My wife is a smoker, so I have some idea of what I speak. When she goes into the hospital, a practice to which I have put a stop, the first thing I'm required to do is locate cigarettes. And maybe clothes.

So we're watching COPS and this guy is having an absolute blast, making his car do donuts. He winds up stopped, largely as a result of that old physics chestnut about two objects occupying the same place at the same time. In other words, he hit a house. The cop arrives immediately and goes up to the open window to find the airbag deployed..

COP: Sir, are you ok?
Guy: What? Yeah.
COP: Sir, can you get out of the car, please?
Guy: Can I have a cigarette?
COP: Get out of the car, please. Are you hurt?
Guy: I'm fine.
COP: I called the ambulance, have them look at you.
Guy: Can I have a cigarette?
COP: Let them look at you first.
...
Guy: Ok, I'm fine. Can I have a cigarette?
COP: I have stuff to do. Get in the car- you're going to jail.
Guy: Can I have a cigarette first?

I was half shocked and half hysterical. The wife was trying to tell me, through her laughter, that's the way it is.

And now, The Music

You may not know them off the top of your head, but everybody knows The Faces.
Rod Stewart was their front man.
Ron Wood (Rolling Stones) plays guitar.
Kenny Jones (The Who) plays drums.
Ronnie Lane plays bass. He passed from Gehrig's Disease and the ARMS Concerts raised funds for a cure.
Ian McLagan plays keys. Later he did work for the Rolling Stones and his own bands.

The link goes to a really good concert from 1972.
Check out Ronnie Lane singing on Maybe I'm Amazed. Ron Wood is playing a really cool Zamaitis guitar on this. You'll also recognize Stay With Me.

These guys groove like no other. Enjoy the show.

LG G4 - It's MINE

It might have had something to do with my wife getting a new phone (Galaxy S6) so I started researching phones. My phone for years has been a Galaxy SIII and while it performs admirably, it was getting long in the tooth. Plus it started to get busy doing Stuff but wouldn't let me know what kind of Stuff it was busy doing; instead it would ring but not answer when I told it to.

After much research, I decided on the LG G4. There are many reviews, almost all positve, and the negatives were things I didn't care about.  The main thrust of the decision was actually that my phone be bigger than my wife's. And faster. This is difficult to do with the S6 but the G4 has a slight edge. In fact, the S6 fits in the display area of the G4, a fact that dismayed the wife. My job was complete.

I was going to get a top of the line phone because I keep them for years, so why not get good equipment at the start? This pretty much left me deciding between the S6 and the G4.  One of the main points in favor of the G4 is that the S6's battery cannot be removed and you cannot add a memory card. Battery life was also a concern, with a few people complaining about the S6's inability to go a full day without recharging. Same in some cases for the G4. What I discovered is that both phones will go for a day, assuming you're not a heavy user. The G4 is much better than advertised but this might have something to do with me turning off most of the battery hogs (more later).

The first thing I noticed was that in its Otter case, the thing looks like an additional appendage, hanging from my pocket on a clip. It's built like a tank, only better protected.  The reviews were all atwitter over the many different-colored leather backs available. The sales guy apparently didn't know about these, as he didn't try to sell me one.  No matter - I wouldn't have purchased one... I'm not that kinda guy. The hard plastic back performs very well. The phone is very comfortable in my hand, which I didn't expect, due to its size.

The display was quite dim, which I didn't expect. I believe this is because the Otter case partially blocks the sensor, so I took the brightness off automatic. Now it's as bright as it needs to be.

The good news is my battery is lasting way longer than expected. My second full weekday with the phone left me with 87% after work. This is a small miracle, as the place where I work gets almost no signal. My old phone spent every minute trying to find a signal and ate its battery alive. This bodes well.

DESIGN

I'm a simple guy and I like a simple, non-blingy, non-battery-wasting display. This Material Design thing is total crap. I noticed it on my wife's phone and mine is the same. I normally don't have much to say about design, but this is excrement. I turned off the live wallpapers and audio bonging for every touch.

My favorite replacement launcher is Nova. It's great software for simple guys and bling people, available at the Google Play store.  You can set up your phone any way you want; with labels, drawers, icons, wallpapers (I like black) and all sorts of other interesting options. It uses less power than the stock launcher and I don't hate it (this is a compliment).

You can add buttons to the bottom, where Back, Main and Recent buttons live. This is a useful trick.

One major design change is that the phone buttons are on the rear of the phone. I wasn't sure I was going to get along with this but it worked out well. When I used my other phone, I was always hitting one of the buttons and causing myself much grief. You can also program Notes and Camera to come right up with a double-tap of the Volume Up or Volume Down buttons. The headphone jack is on the bottom of the phone, next to the charging jack (the usual micro-usb). If you get the Otter case, there are  flaps that flip up to reveal these two items.

The camera is said to be phenominal. It's got Many Megapixels. The front camera has more megapixels than the rear camera on my SIII. I'm not a photographer but all of the reviews give it enthusiastic thumbs up. The few pictures and videos I've taken have come out quite well.


SOUND

I can sum this up by saying This Phone Sounds Good. The speaker is not stereo but who cares?

PHONE

It works well. It's quite snappy. It makes and receives clear phone calls. It has not disappointed me at all. It plays my audio and video files wonderfully. I have yet to give it the Bounce Test.


HANDY SOFTWARE

i just plain don't like the Gmail and email apps, due to lack of configureability, so I install K9 mail. This allows as many accounts as you like (Gmail, Pop, IMAP, etc) and more options. Try a Calendar widget if you need a bit of help in the organization department (I can use all the help I can get).

ES File Explorer is a great app for looking at your file system and moving necessary things around. I got a wireless widget, which helps a lot, since I use wireless at home and not anywhere else.

I don't like most sound playing apps, especially the ones that come stock. It really bothers me that the players HAVE TO go out and find every single piece of audio or video on the phone. It took a while but I found a player that will play ONLY the directory I select. It's called DeadBeef. No, really. And for the phone, home computer, tablet on most operating systems, VLC is the best player for my money (free). It runs on almost everything and plays almost everything. But it will go out and index all of your media. Google apps/books/music/magazines/movies all phone home, which doesn't work for me.

If you're a guitar or similar player. GStrings is an excellent tuner.


VERIZON DISINGENUOUSNESS

I use Verizon because it's got the best signal here, period. However, there are a few things that are downright sneaky about their version of Android (each phone is customized by the carrier). When you select Voicemail, you're asked to sign up for an enhanced voicemail service that will transcribe some of the voicemail and send it to you. There is no normal voicemail option but I eventually discovered that you dial #86. Put it in your contacts and put a shortcut on the main menu.

This tactic is also employed with texting. When you hit the existing texting button, you're asked to sign up for a premium texting app. No-go, Verizon.  The real texting app is in your apps - just drag the icon to a desktop. I'm also receiving offers for a 'free trial of VZW Name...' something. It came up as a text and I can't remove it from the taskbar. This doesn't kill me but it bothers me.

Speaking of Verizon, I got screwed royally. Almost a year ago, I ordered service via the phone. Last week I discovered I had a multi-line plan (I have one phone) and was paying for insurance. I did not order a multi-line plan or insurance. I strongly advise getting insurance but my phone was so old that it wasn't worth it (would you get collision insurance on an old car?). While the nice folks in the store got it fixed going forward, I have to contact Verizon for a retroactive refund.

That aside, Verizon has been taking customer service lessons. The folks in the store were more than friendly and very helpful. I got follow up phone calls and emails. Verizon sent me a few Getting Started emails. I approve.


TIN FOIL TIME

I've beaten this horse well past death.  My tin foil hat is on order, so you know my views as you're reading this. I don't want to hear about social media, location, GPS or the CLOUD. As a result, I turned off all of the aforementioned services.  If you'd like to order your own tin foil helmet, go into APPS and turn off everything you don't need. Cloud backup, GPS, location services,  Put a lock on the main screen and encrypt the device (all available under Settings). If you turn off location services, you won't be able to locate a lost or stolen phone but I'm not planning on losing mine. Back your phone up to your computer. Avoid the Cloud - if you can't touch your data, it's no longer yours.

There's a free firewall called No Root Firewall. If you install this, you an control any program's access to the internet. There's no reason for notepads, local games and file managers to access the internet, while it's kind of important for an internet browser.

Do NOT install software from anywhere but Google Play, unless you are positive that the software is clean. This is the most common way to get viruses or malware. Having said that, I recommend F-Droid's software [fdroid.org]. It's open source, free, free of crapware and doesn't Phone Home.

DO NOT USE WIFI outside of your house or people you know unless you have a VPN. If you ask what a VPN is, DO NOT USE WIFI outside of your house. Everything you do can be intercepted. You can connect to a fake access point. Your pets could die. I'm warning you.  There's a great pair of programs called Wifi Warning and Safe Areas. They let me know when I'm out of my own wireless range and lock the phone. When I'm in wireless range, I can just swipe to open. This will work with more than one wifi access point.

IN SUMMARY

Your mileage will definitely vary.  Nobody is as crazy as me with customizations and privacy. The battery won't last as long and it won't be as secure. It will also be much more attractive than mine, regardless of what you do to it.

I can say that after a few days, I like this phone. With two weeks to return it, I don't anticipate making that trip.  Ask questions if you have them.


UPDATES:

I still like the phone. It's snappy and I don't scream at it and wonder why it can't perform its singular function of making phone calls. I get great coverage (except at work, but hell, it's only eight very important hours of my day), but I work in a Dead Zone, into which no carrier's signal penetrates.

I still hate the Material Design or whatever the hell they call it, even though I've managed to eradicate most of it.  The update to Android 6 will come later this year, bringing many improvements, including more granular control of permissions.

I love the popup incoming text messages, which can be answered or ignored with one touch.

The rear-facing buttons, which I initially wondered about, turned out to be fantastic, especially for someone who never failed to accidentally push the side buttons on his last phone, causing random hangups and fart-in-church volume increases. I read that it would be very easy to locate the volume buttons, due to the patterns in them, although mine didn't seem to have any.  This was immediately solved by removing the plastic on the volume buttons (who says I am not the smartest pup in the litter?).

I encrypted both the device's storage and the additional SD card. What the manual (such as it is) neglected to tell me was that when you encrypt, you have no choice but to accept the login code/PIN/pattern all the time, including using it in safe areas. So every time my phone indicates something, I have to unlock it. It's a PITA but it's certainly safer.

I finally managed to make the text message tone different from other tones (my fault again).

The only serious complaint I have is that the horizontal keyboard is no bigger than the vertical keyboard. It's downright stupid (unless it's another obvious function that I missed, but I doubt it). I have no patience for texting, especially when it involves ADD and Typing Dyslexia.

Because Google keeps a record of everything you say, I disabled voice commands. Some are available in Dolphin Browser, although I'm trying to determine the security issues. Yes, voice operation is a wonderful gee-whiz option but I'm not giving up that much data at this point.

NOTE TO VERIZON USERS:

All carriers are supplied with a basic Android phone. Then they proceed to add or subtract bloatware or useful functions. Verizon removed the blocklist and ability to set texting tones for each contact. I can't find a single good reason for this although Verizon has some ridiculous official statement on it.

Deep, Deep Shame

Shame. Perfidy. Shonda. Disgrace. Dishonor. Humiliation. Guilt. Sadness. Betrayal. Ignominy. Mortification.

All these things and more will not sufficiently explain my feelings.
I come to you humbly, hat in hand, begging your understanding and your assistance in determining what went wrong.

This is very difficult for me to type, so please allow me some leeway....

[sniff]

My wife...

[sniff]

My wife... has joined Faceyspaces.

There. I said it.

Here I am, Tin Foil Hat to the Stars, Number One Privacy and Security Guru, Winner of the 'I'm Not Paranoid - I'm Acutely Aware' Prize [1998-2014], with a wife on Faceyspaces.  Everyone's laughing at me.

Don't believe me?
Approximately sixty seconds after her signup, my own brother send a foe request, asking if I knew.
I'm doomed, like a chiropractor whose wife wears impossibly high heels. Except the chiropractor's wife at least looks good in them. Nothing good can come of Faceyspaces.

I explained that nothing good can come of Faceyspaces. I explained that it's the front page of the NSA. That the NSA either wrote the software or wishes they did.  That the mobile app eats data and privacy. That even with the highest privacy settings, it still sucks up all available data. That no one knows what the mobile app eats in terms of permissions because it's installed as junkware by the carrier.

Her argument?  She wants to keep in touch with the nieces and nephews.
Do the nieces and nephews not have email? Even though that's also property of the NSA, it's not public.

Will she now be required to post selfies every time she goes to the bathroom? Report on what she ate for lunch? Talk about which tire is leaking this morning? Describe picking up after the dog using Poop Bags<tm>? Purchasing a selfie stick? Beating me about the head and shoulders with it?

Can anybody recommend a twelve-step group or a deprogramming center?


I feel so..... alone.
And it's getting cold.... so cold.



THIS WEEK'S SELECTION

How could I go any further without mentioning another hero of mine: Frank Zappa. Zappa has played the bicycle, gotten arrested for one of his records, run recording studios, made millions laugh, got in trouble for insulting Jewish women then went after Catholic girls, gays, influenced many artists, and knocked the heads off many a guitar player.

This is a love song. A family song. A funny song. A song that you had better not play too loud at work (or home). It's called Crew Slut. It's a love song to the ladies of the road.  And here's Frank with a really nice instrumental called Watermelon in Easter Hay.

Sadly, Frank left us in 1993, due to prostate cancer. Get yourself checked, guys.

Tittilation Triumphs from the Twilight Zone

There were three four five brief items that made a huge impact on me today at work:

1. I have long believed that my coworkers are animals who were raised by wolves.  This is routinely proven by the fact that they never clean anything up.  Today I noted (the hard way) that they have de-evolved to the point that they no longer flush.
2. The number three person in the company stopped by to request that the locking code be removed from her cell phone because it was not convenient.   --> Security:  It's Not Convenient <--
3. One of our marketing people was on the local news morning magazine for an impressive ten minute segment.  During the entire segment, he failed to mention his employer.  The contact info on the web page goes to an ex-employee.  And he never told a single coworker he was on tv.
4. My department has six birthdays this month, so we decided to celebrate together.  Cakes were purchased.  In ninety minutes, one of the cakes was taken out of the fridge and left on a table, where the animals consumed it.  One dare not complain, lest he deny the right of the thief to steal his food.
5. The company has had no mail delivery for two days because the driver is on vacation.  In Philadelphia.  Small wonder they're insolvent.

You simply can't make this stuff up.

inSecurity News for the Week

When the US Army found it difficult to locate IT people with the correct certifications, it did the only logical thing it could: lowered the requirements.

Hey, remember the break-in to the Utah Department of Health's Medicaid server?  It turns out the damage is just a teeny bit worse than suspected, to the tune of ten percent (280,000 Social Security numbers).  Ah, what's a decimal place or two?

The Department of Justice just seized more than $896,000 and seven domain names for selling counterfeit sports apparel.  Isn't it great to see your tax dollars hard at work (supporting large manufacturers)?

Just in case you thought the TSA could manage to stay out of the news for a day, another TSA worker has been charged with child porn.

Perhaps next time you buy a cell phone it will come with the new Broadcom chip that can help locate you to within centimeters! Won't it be nice to know that Faceyspaces can locate and market to you while you're in the mall or an underground parking facility?  Or worse?

Just in case you wondered why unmanned drones are being used by local police, check out this guy, who got arrested and will be suing.  No good will come of drones.


Dear Readers: please keep your systems patched, antivirused, and up to date.  Windows is releasing a boatload of fixes to their buggy operating system.  Java and Flash will now auto-update if you allow them to.  Regardless of whether you use linux or one of the inferior operating systems, you need to keep everything current.  This includes you 600,000 infected Macs.

Remember - the majority of hacks are caused by not patching.

Samsung Galaxy 10 - Initial Impressions

I started my tablet life a while back, when my work carrier gave me a Xoom to evaluate.  It was large enough but heavy and not particularly ready for prime time, or at very least, not ready to be put into the hands of the public.

The next unit was a Samsung 7 tablet.  I have had the 7 for many months and it follows me everywhere.  It is supercharged with a 32g card, rooted, tweaked and forced to do my bidding [insert evil laughter].  I had a feeling what my main complaint was going to be right off the bat: it was too small.  Actually it was too small and just a little too old.

In spite of these shortcomings, the 7 served me well.  It started to accompany me to meetings, where the bottom fell out, kinda.  It was simply too small to be effective.  Taking notes was a PITA.  Aside from that, there's nothing really wrong with the unit.

So I decided it was time to check into ten inch tablets.  Much to my dismay, the field had not changed at all from before.  I told my friendly T-Mobile rep that, like all men, size was important, so I wanted to upgrade to a ten inch tablet.  She gave me the choice of the Samsung Galaxy 10 or nothing so I wisely chose the 10.

As any reader of the blog knows, I hate iDevices, so that was out even if it was a choice.  It astounds me that with the success of the iPad, there aren't tons of worthy competitors, even with T-Mobile.

T-Mobile got the 10 to me with blazing speed, as in the next day.

OPENER UP!


The Galaxy 10 is one sleek, slim device.  There were all sorts of OOHs and AAHs as I unboxed it and my coworkers checked it out.  The Galaxy 7 is a rather bulky affair.  The Galaxy 10 is just a shade heavier but the weight is better distributed.

First up is inserting the SIM card and charging the beast.  The included USB to Galaxy cable appears to be the same as the Galaxy 7 but colored differently.  There was a charger in the box also, plus a few small meaningless booklets.  It was a pretty short learning curve and the getting started booklet handled things well.

LAYOUT

When held in landscape mode, the speakers are on the sides.  The main connector is on the bottom. The power switch and volume rocker are on top, as is the SIM slot.  There is no place for an additional SD card, which is disappointing, but there is an adapter available that allows an SD card and USB access.  I don't believe we should have to pay an additional thirty dollars to use SD and USB but I'm funny that way.

Onscreen keyboards are an acquired taste.  They're fairly useless on a cell phone.  On a Galaxy 7 only the landscape keyboard is usable.  On the 10, both keyboards are good, as one would expect with more screen real estate.  And the screen real estate is nice.  The display is bright and sharp.  There is a ton of room to put shortcuts or widgets (or not).

ARE THERE CAMERAS?


You betcha there are cameras.  There are two: one facing you (lower resolution for video chatting) and one facing away (higher resolution for pictures and video).  I didn't bother checking the specs but they're not a secret.  I seem to remember 5 megapixels 720 video for the picture-taking side.

As things seem to go these days, there is no case.  In scouting the available cases I noticed some variety, including cases with built-in bluetooth keyboards.  The case is not optional: you need one to protect the device.  A side benefit to some is a stand that adjusts.  You don't want to type on a flat tablet, external keyboard or not.  Be aware that you will need a special case if you want to keep the device plugged in.  Look for an opening on the bottom, through which you will put the cord.

MORE FEATURES

A pleasant surprise was the available volume.  There was plenty of it, unlike my Sensation phone.

The onscreen layout is a little different from the 7.  There are no dedicated buttons on the bottom.  Instead the app button is up top (why?) and there are soft buttons at the bottom for the main functions.  There is even a screenshot button (complete with annoying shutter noise).  In fact, one of my first duties was to kill all the noises and blinkies.  I'm a big boy and don't need a noise every time I hit a button or a program comes up.  Nor do I need the haptic (vibrating) feedback with every key press.

There are five screens by default.  You should never run out of space or screens.   Like most android devices, you can populate the screen with shortcuts, widgets, wallpaper, live wallpaper, and presumably dead wallpaper.

There are the usual rotating effects but also a new tilt function, which can control screen size or brightness.  I haven't had a chance to mess with this yet; I have brightness on AUTO for now.  There is a button to allow apps designed for smaller screens to fill the available space or pan in.

APPS

The Galaxy 10 comes with Alarm, Asphalt 6, Blio, Books, browser, calculator, calendar, contacts, Dropbox, ebook, email, files, gallery, Gmail, Google Search, Latitude, maps, Market, media hub, memo, messaging, MobileLife, Google Music, music player, navigation, pen memo, photo editor, places, Pulse, Qello, Quickoffice, security, Slacker, social hub, talk, TegraZone, video chat, video player, voice search, world clock, YouTube, and Zinio.  Your mileage will vary by provider.

Quite frankly, I'd love to be able to remove most of the included apps but I can't.  I suspect this will require rooting, which I haven't considered or checked on yet.  You cannot remove Slacker, Zinio, or any of the social apps.  While I like Slacker, I stopped installing it because it seems to turn itself on all of the time, regardless of whether I'm listening to it or not.  And I have as much need for social apps as I do for female plumbing.

As android people know, installing your own favorites is a matter of going to the Market, finding the programs and pressing INSTALL.   Here are some of the apps that make my life easier:

• gStrings - guitar tuner
• Premier Guitar, TabApp Pro, Guitar Squid - guitar goodies
• Drudgereport, World Newspapers, Sparse RSS - news
• ES File Explorer
• WiFi and Airplane Mode widgets
• QuickPic - superior to included Gallery
• Opera Mini - browser
• ConnectBot, AndFTP, Remote VNC - remote access tools
• Wolfgang's Vault, XiaaLive Lite - streaming radio
• Scanner Radio - listen to police and fire scanners worldwide
• and 3 versions of Angry Birds for my nephews

Your mileage will vary.


SECURITY

As with all phones and tablets, there is a plethora of features that might look nice but ultimately will suck the small amount of privacy you have left from your device faster than you can say Illegal Wiretapping.  Do yourself a favor and turn off the location tracking features.  There is no significant reason for anyone to know exactly where you are, either via satellite tracking or wifi/cellular tracking.  If you absolutely must let the entire universe know what you're doing and where, this is what Faceyspaces is for.  Or Twitter.  Log in and let everyone know that it's 5:15 and you've just had a terrific potty experience at Barnes&Noble.

Don't forget to go into the camera app and turn off geotagging.

OVERALL

I've only had the device for a few hours but I can tell I'm going to seriously enjoy it.  The larger screen will make all the difference for viewing anything and note-taking.   The nephews will love the look of Angry Birds and the wife will love some of the games I loaded for her.

More as it comes to me....