Vagina Beef

Your love is like   toe fungus - hey, mushrooms are a fungus and you eat them..

• A bunch of Montana TikTok users don't care that China gets all their information because they already gave it to Faceyspaces. If they don't prevail in court, they threatened to fly to China and give them military secrets. And their personal information.

Today I identify as  a quantum nothing 

Dontcha Hate it When....(COPS edition)

• A cool car chase happens. The criminal uses his turn signals.
• It's always hysterical to watch them taze a perp. Repeatedly.
• ALL stops end in a drug search
• car chases are called off because the perp is driving too wildly and the police are scared of running down innocent citizens. C'mon - this is Death Race 2023 - extra points for old ladies and strollers
• calm suspects are cuffed, then the police say STOP RESISTING and beat him to a pulp
• the perp won't let the police cuff him and keeps asking WHAT I DO, WHAT I DO?
• DAT NOT MY DRUGS, DAT NOT MY CAR, DAT NOT MY PURSE, DAT NOT MY PANTS
• I din do it. I wasn't driving.  But you were the only one in the car.
• the drug dog always finds something, even if the cops can't
• Why did you run? Because you were chasing me.
• People with severe head wounds always refuse an ambulance
• when police 'have one at gunpoint,' they never shoot him, even accidentally.
• The police can smell marijuana whether it's there or not.
• Nobody wants to be filmed, but the cops say "They're doing a documentary on me" and the criminals believe it.
• People don't know blinking lights and sirens mean to PULL OVER.
• You get up early on a day off.

For some reason no one can explain, I found myself up at 6:30am on a Saturday. I was shocked, ashamed, and my Rock and Roll spirit was crushed. What's next - mowing and planting flowers? Taking an interest in keeping the house clean? Being nice to my wife?  I better head this off at the pass while there's still time.

Being awake and alone (even the dog stayed in bed) gave me time to think and reflect. I've mentioned that my wife could be called Billy, from an old comic called [I Can't Remember - Family Circus!]. Mom or Dad would call him and little Billy would say, "I'll be right there!"  Only Billy's definition of Right There was slightly different. The comic strip showed his extremely roundabout trip home, and being Right There. He'd stop to visit neighbors, pet dogs, chat with friends, jump in mud, then eventually he'd be Right There. My wife IS little Billy. Never mind the gender or the humongous slight age difference. The woman couldn't get out of a burning building with a week's notice.

Believe me, I've worked on the problem, pretending it's mine. I've brought in specialists, read books, and loaded up on nuclear weapons, but it continues and continues to make me murderous very upset. I figured out a long time ago that I represented her father, with the exception of wisdom; wisdom and a mustache. Sadly I represented her mother too, also with a mustache. Only Wife had to obey her father, but she had a permanent hall pass with me. No wonder she was so happy to get married. I thought she was happy to have met her (scrufty, irascible) prince.. no, she was happy she didn't have to listen to anybody anymore. Sigh. The tears from her family were also lost on me. Wife told me that they were happy to get rid of her: she way my problem now. So much for that idea. Oh well, 'happy marriage' is another to add to the Oxymoron Pile, with Microsoft security and Congressional ethics. 

Honey, are you ready to go?

Yup, I'll be right there.

Uh-oh. I'll just build a small barn outside, then dig a trench from the basement to the barn. That should be enough time to be ready. Boy, wasn't *I* the stupid one? By the time the barn was built, she had made it to the bathroom. Well, everybody has to go - I can't fault her there. I came in for some water (I had started to sweat, which was very odd for me) and found her still in the bathroom. Just for fun, I yelled through the door...

READY YET? YOU SAID NO PROBLEM.

[The dog barked, because she gets upset when I yell.]

I'm almost ready. 

 What are you doing?

Cleaning up a bit.

You told me we couldn't be late.

We can't.

You were up 2 hours before we were supposed to leave.

I got busy and forgot.

Go fsck yourself

WHAT?

I said. "Don't forget to tuck in your shirt."

Ok. I'll be Right Out.

I'll just dig that trench and make some concrete walls for it. Right next to the Panic Room.

Ok, I'll be Right Out.

Right after George Washington comes back, looks around, and shoots himself.

What?

I said I just can't wait.

[dig trench, install concrete walls, order servers and computers, wire everything up, with NOTHING in The Cloud]

Why is there a soda can upside down in the sink?

Because I was emptying it out before I threw it away.

It seems to have missed the Throwing Away stage.

I had to drain it first.

How did you miss the Throwing Away stage?

I left it there because I went on to do something else.

Why didn't you just wait the 3/4 of a second for the can to drain?

There were other things to do.

And now I get stuck throwing it out.

Oh, would you do that? Thank you.

You're ready now, right?

I'll be there in a second.

How exactly do you measure time? You being ready takes about the same time as the doctor keeps you waiting in the waiting room. Are you secretly a doctor?

HEY, don't call me an asshole! 

So you're ready?

I'll be right there.

Ok, I'll build that full-scale train set you got me for xmas. See you tomorrow.

[busies herself in the kitchen. Goes upstairs to bedroom. Comes back down. Goes back up, having forgotten her shoes; the reason she went up in the first place]

Do these sparkly turquoise sneakers look ok with this dress? 

You're asking ME? The guy who can barely get his black t-shirts to match his black jeans?

You're always honest.

Yes, so long as I like it. I'm still recovering from that time I said it didn't look right.

Don't be sarcastic.

Then I'd never speak.

Oh, you figured it out? 

By the way, the house is on fire.

I just have a few more things to get.

The dog, who is normally attached to your legs, has run out for her own safety. When was the last time the dog went somewhere that wasn't following you? That dog would rather sleep in the bed with you all day than come say hi to me. But at least she's got enough sense to run for her life.

Do you think her coat matches the fire? Did I leave my phone somewhere? The car? Target? The pool? 

See those flames by the tv? You have about 10 seconds before you go up like the tv.

I've just got to do a few more things.

Like what?

Clean the bathroom.

You just cleaned the bathroom when you went, 6 hours ago.

But it needs a serious, full cleaning.

So the ashes are clean?

I don't want the firemen to think we don't clean regularly.

I see.

Where's my pocketbook? 

By the door, where it always is. The door through which you should be running several hours ago.

Not that pocketbook - the black suede one with the fringes.

The normal one isn't good enough?

I will not be seen by the firemen looking like this.

When did you become so vain? You probably thought this blog was about you.

I am not vain - I just care about how I look. A lot.

Look, I got dressed, didn't I? 

You're not going out like that. Your shirt is all wrinkled.

At least I'm dressed.

I just need a few more things. Try one of the new shirts I bought you.

You bought more shirts?

The other day.

So that's where the money goes.

You didn't expect me to wash them, did you? 

That explains why I have 427 pairs of socks. The fire has cut off the steps. We'll have to go out the window!

Did you put in that fire ladder I asked you to last month? 

Yeah, about that.....  I'll put it in right now. I'm almost ready....

Being up at 6:30, the time I used to come home when I was young, had me ready for breakfast by 7:30. 7:30 is NOT when I have breakfast. I have breakfast anywhere from 10am to 6pm.  Having breakfast when the Normies do is embarrassing. At least we have Chocolate Frosted Flakes. I liked it better when the Flakes had those Irish marshmallow-like treats, like the commercial. That lasted about 1 week before being violently pulled from the shelves in the store. They'll get my Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Lucky Charms Marshmallows when they pry them from my cold, dead hands.

We got them at Ollies. Ever been to Ollies? It's pretty damn cool. It's where all unsold merchandise goes to die. Everything from bed sheets to children's bible books and Chocolate Frosted Flakes, which were also pulled from the shelves last year. Check the dates, folks. The depth of stuff you can find boggle the mind. There are even foods. These are the most interesting, because you see stuff that made it to market for a few days or weeks. Stuff you didn't know existed, but within date. They had pet aisles too. PLEASE do not buy any food or treats made in China. They have no controls and almost killed Ren (aka Satan). We had to take him to the vet constantly. Let's see, there's plastic kitchen utensils, bunches of stereo wires, actual toaster ovens and coffee makers, and hilarious signs featuring the character of Ollie. Don't mistake me - it's a fun place to vist. They even have huge amounts of coffee k-cups. All of them suck, and are in at least packs of 401, so you have no choice or way to return them. Since they're plastic, I usually just set them on fire in the yard, along with some of the neighbors who have outlived their usefulness, if they ever had any. The guy who invented and got rich from them, said he wished he'd never come up with them. There's not enough plastic to recycle, so they wind up with the other trash, in a 1,452 mile wide swirling pile of trash off the Atlantic. Federal courts have ruled the businesses can continue dumping in the water because to actually clean things up would constitute too heavy a penalty and too much profit loss for the corporations. President Giveaway is studying the matter scrupulously, not to decide its Constitutionality, but to determine how many billions to give them.

Oh yeah, Ollies.... the store had changed from last time. Some sort of explosive or nuclear device had gone off, rendering half of the merchandise open, half of it irradiated, and the other half on the floor. The only good news was that all the food was free from unsightly growths and critters. Even the staff was infertile. The half life of the radiation was much shorter than the shelf life dates on the merchandise, so everything was safe to pick up (unless it was out of date). There was one moth flying around, though. It had small human legs, a nose, and told us to get out of there if we were at all concerned about the shelf life of the religious books. Religious loons come in many flavors. We ignored the moth and went to the checkout line, even after it told us it was an employee too - the manager. We found out that every employee was a manager. We believed it because we only saw one employee the whole time.

One employee also happened to be the number of cashiers present. They had space for 5 cashiers, but in their infinite wisdom, only had one operating a register. From the 15 minutes we spent in line, with the same customer at the register, we figured she was definitely a manager, although managers are not generally that helpful - they usually get in the way of any progress or work. We started our countdown clock, which is a relatively new feature. Generally a 5 minute timer, it is started so that we know to leave in 5 minutes or less without any help or progress. I was getting ready to use one of their squirting automatic machine guns, when I realized the manager was a minor, so I dropped the weapon before the police arrived. It turned out my desire to wipe the manager from the face of the planet was premature. I listened in to the conversation between the 2 person team slowing everything down and realized it was entirely the customers, not the employees, relatives, or representatives of the NFL. Apparently the one hag even managed to piss off the less-aged hag, who finally kept saying, "Mom, it's ok, let her do her job so we can confound a cashier in the next store over."  A-HA!

I think we surprised the hell out of the scheduling manager. Yes, they're all managers to make them feel important (impotent). The scheduling manager didn't think there would be any customers on a holiday weekend, particularly a Saturday with wonderful weather, so he only scheduled a single manager for the register. She started shrieking something into the p.a. system, vaguely sounding like a cry for help. Her shrieking went so high, we thought she was talking to the moth. Ten minutes later, a bearded, bedraggled manager appeared, looking every bit the manager in charge of napping in the back room. And he was NOT happy about being awakened. He regaled me with stories of the 3 managers they lost that month. followed by the mass exodus of lesser managers, who left by threes, for jobs that paid a few dollars more. The store managers got a kick out of this, because the lesser managers found out they were getting more per hour, but were only allowed to work part-time. The manager who was telling me this asked for my loyalty card. What would I be doing with a loyalty card; I'm hardly the type to be loyal to humans, no less a store. Then he asked for my social security number. I told him he could have mine, but only after he gave me his. He wanted me to sign up for a loyalty card then, because I would get 3.4556% off this cart full of no-longer-radiated merchandise. He tried another tactic and asked for my phone number. I gave him the one we always make up whenever we need to give out a phone number and discovered we were already in the system. Hmmmm..... apparently I DID have a loyalty card. This will NOT go well at the country club. People would interrupt me during the gig, where I spent 4 hours tuning my guitar. I took breaks, though, so the union didn't send Mario and Luigi out to have a 'chat' with me (screw you - that's their names).  The union's policy is that you must take your breaks or else you make every other union member look bad. And if you thought the chat with Mario and Luigi was going to be bad....

Now, about that loyalty card. I suspect it was the reason for the calls and discount cards they kept mailing to us.  I swallowed it up, just like the discount cards from Shoe Warehouse.  She never thought I'd notice, but she never noticed the discount cards from Guitar Center. I'm just kidding - Guitar Center never has anything I want, specifically nice left handed guitars. Maybe it's because they're bankrupt (morally and monetarily).  At a guitar show, I was apparently so funny about something or other, a Guitar Center employee gave me a 25% off card, or maybe a $25 gift certificate - I remember 25 being on there somewhere. I suspect my constant whining about never having any money had actual basis in fact, and the constant 'roof repairs' failed to explain why the roof leaked. Perhaps the roofers belong to a union too. 

• Precisely at 12 noon, the air conditioner came on. It doesn't have a timer. It ran til 12:01 then turned off. It could be like one of those tests of the emergency air conditioning system that always interrupt your favorite shows. Or not. It's not even near the top of the list of strange things that happen in ThermionicMansion on a daily basis, so I don't want to spend much time questioning it.
• One of the things near the top of that list is the refrigerator. Actually I don't know if it's the refrigerator - it just happens at the refrigerator. For 2 days when I open the door, a bottle leaps from the shelf, either trying to commit suicide or having been pushed, perhaps by the CIA. Both times I wasn't wearing shoes, so it created powerful memories, as well as depressions in both feet. It's hard to do that because my feet are like Swiss cheese, from constantly shooting myself in them.  The bottles weren't positioned precariously and in no way would they fall. I smell conspiracy. Aliens. Or a podiatrist.
• Mrs. lefty has a bad back. This is why I stopped questioning her on why the sofa moved across the room while we slept. I just go with it these days. It's easier and less stressful to believe it just happens, as opposed to not liking the real reason why.
• Your furniture moves around too, right?  Please? 

In a complete shock to no one, the budget farce was passed by Congress.

Every time it's the same thing: debt theater. They should all be removed from their jobs and forced to pay for what they voted for.

• the debt ceiling was suspended til 2025, so the thieves can continue to plunder and raise the debt even further.
• think I'm over the top? Per the article  "This allows them to pay their bills until that date and know that the next fight over raising the ceiling will not interfere with the presidential election."
• shockingly, the only clear winner was the Military Industrial Complex, with $886 billion.
•  Biden agreed to cut $20bn from the $80bn to the IRS, but divert that cash to other non-defence spending. President Giveaway strikes again.

No mention of the other pork loaded into this mess, but rest assured, it's there.

If you are allergic to Aspirin, Don't Take Aspirin

Dear lefty

• What goes with red wine?
• Cyanide.

I caught bits of an Amazon commercial the other day. It was about how great it is working there; mentioning tuition, other benefits, paying for learning to leave the company, and the bonus.. they're trans friendly. I could have misheard, but.... this would be the first commercial with trans specifically mentioned. Not a problem, but an observation. They are also Hepatitis C friendly, viral pneumonia friendly, and Ebola friendly (but only on weekends).

• It was pointed out that Mrs lefty has the biggest boobs in the family. It was further pointed out that she married the biggest boob in the family.

Today I identify as a railing

• a family member noted that Costco was getting expensive. You go in for milk and leave with a set of tires. Turns out you can get the whole car too. And while you're shopping, there are sea trips on big ships.
• This is why I don't go to Costco. That and the #&@ing old ladies, who slam into you, with their cart or with their car.

No thank you, I'd rather watch reruns of Match Game '73

• What do you do when you don't approve of the 2nd Amendment and wish to share your disapproval with your city?  You adopt a $0.02 tax per .22 caliber and $0.05 tax per other ammo. Then you hit the dealers with a $25 fee per handgun sold. Thank you, Tacoma. "We need to do more to aid the criminals."

PA residents: locate your senators and tell them to vote for Victoria's Law. PA is a puppy mill state and we need all the help we can get.

• Hey - how about a new 42% sales tax? The Democrat Medicare for All plan would require something like it....

Best quote in Australian police wiretap history: "I sold the rocket launchers to my mate and he sold it to those fucking dickhead terrorists. Now it's a fucking drama."




Heroes of the Heart

A plumber fixed the boiler of a 91-year-old terminally ill woman and billed her $0




Heroes of the Stupid

Woman claims Sephora mailed her cocaine.  This is a woman who is serious about her makeup.


PG&E says power lines may have started 2 northern California wildfires.
Hey - wasn't the blackout to prevent PG&E from causing fires?


Florida pastor kills himself after teen accuses him of raping her over 100 times.
If more would take the easy way out, the pope could continue ignoring the problem.


In the Fordham Law Review, Elizabeth Warren is stated to be a woman of color at Harvard.  This lady has an identification issue. First American Indian, then black. Next week it will be male, Eastern Indian,  and towel bar


Man accidentally shoots himself after throwing gun at cockroach to kill it.
Another cockroach-related shooting.




SJW Statistics

The Harvard Crimson, the university's student-run newspaper, is facing a campus backlash after requesting comment from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) for an article on a campus protest against the agency. Eleven student groups, including the Harvard College Democrats, signed a petition accusing the Harvard Crimson of showing cultural insensitivity for even contacting the government agency. On Sept. 12, students advocating for the abolition of ICE assembled for a rally organized by student group Act on a Dream in Harvard Yard. After the protest concluded, the paper reached out to an ICE spokesperson to ask for a statement in response to the protest for an upcoming story. Soon after, Act on a Dream published a petition, which currently has over 650 signatures, demanding The Crimson change its policies so that none of its reporters ever make contact with ICE again and apologize for the "harm [it] inflicted on the undocumented community."


"She committed rhetorical violence against me!"


The University of Maryland is firmly against any Halloween costumes that are deemed to be guilty of 'cultural appropriation' - they "have no place in an inclusive community."   Just think of the bargain here: you get an education, tens of thousands in bills, and the complete SJW indoctrination!

Beto's Dog: get me OUT of here!

Paris is Burning

Technically just Notre Dame.
Big damn fire.
There was scaffolding around the area, which could mean someone won't be coming to work tomorrow.

Let's put on our conspiracy hats:
The fire is a message.

Let's put on our 'how can I outrage people today' hats:
Hey - let's see if high level priests and popes burn...

Why Did the Politician Cross the Road?

...because the Road Building PAC paid him to.

It was a glorious morning - the sun made a rare appearance and it was almost no-jacket weather. I mention this because I had to go outside to get the dog before I left for work. He was where he always is - facing the neighbors' house, waiting for his morning treat. He likes to ignore me at these times. In fact, this morning he hid in the bushes so I wouldn't see him.  This plan, although ingenious, failed because he didn't realize that there were no leaves or vegetation on the bushes - just bare sticks.

Our good friends at the Department of the Motherland Homeland Security are offering yet another service to make us safer: Family Reunification Program. This is where we pick up families from three South American countries (at the Mexican border, trying to sneak in) and give them free transportation and a special refugee/parole program with “resettlement assistance” and permanent residency.  Pretty soon DHS will be 'helping' with elections, drivers licenses and food shopping.


FOUR RING CIRCUSES

It's no secret that I live in a weird place, with a weird wife and weird pets. And I'm not exactly standard-issue either. But sometimes I long for a life in which gravity is one hundred percent effective and things don't blink in and out of existence with regularity.  Normal life is boring - I prefer something closer to the middle, though....

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Some of the Potholes of Death had been filled. It was better than I had a right to ask for.  I was expecting a good evening too, at least until I got home.

Upon opening my front door, I was greeted by a house full of smoke. It didn't occur to me to panic; instead I ran to the kitchen, from where the smoke seemed to be emanating.  I was full of wonder, wondering what had happened and which denizen did what to cause it.  Maybe the cat had once again taken up his hobby of leaping onto the stove, turning the gas on in the process.  Perhaps the dog had decided to have his cat food warmed first, as opposed to out of the cat bowl.

Nope... the wife was busily attending to the microwave, which housed some formerly exploded and burning potatoes and taken out the device permanently.  I opened windows and turned on fans, relieved that we didn't have to call outside help.  The police and fire folks occasionally stop by for a laugh when they're feeling down.

After that little bit of fun, Existential Agita started to set in. This is the state in which I start to question Stuff in the larger picture, which sometimes tends to be a little frightening. And frightening it was.. I don't know about other people, but I never have any idea what to expect when I return from slaving over a hot computer. Virtual children, Pet Damage, sleeping wives, things hurling themselves at guests, disappearing objects, fire, and people determined to flee the house for purposes of purchasing Code Red (Mt Dew which tastes kinda like maraschino cherry soda, heavy on the caffeine).  Weary, I climbed the steps, only to discover that the bedroom was every bit as full of smoke as the kitchen. Never let it be said that we do anything halfway.

What did this teach me?  That the next day, my coat and all of my clothes smell like exploded potatoes, which was only discovered on the way to work, in the car.  My new colleagues have already developed a healthy distaste for me.. this will only make matters worse (if it doesn't trigger the building's smoke detectors).

Perhaps a little less explosion would be nice.  Less people (and pets) bouncing off the walls. No trips to the Happy Place. No $250 Performance tires on the Hyundai. No $350 pet xrays. Not another idiot hitting the car EVER again. Fewer days in which the house looks like the aftermath of pets playing with explosives. No more of the wife preparing for a lucrative career in Chainsaw Juggling (or fish gutting).

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I have good news and bad news for you. Unfortunately I'm not sure which is which, so I'll leave the decision to you, my empowered readers:  

1. The Vatican exorcism course is set for April.
2. It's sold out.

Something called Azealia Banks, referred to as a rapper, has stated that she wants to f___ the president. I wonder what would happen if JZ stated that he wanted to f____ Michele Obama [Barack would be horrified and Michele would be on the first plane to LA].  Ok, bad example.  What if Bill Maher said he wanted to f___ Michele Obama. [Michelle would be on the first plane to NYC].  Ok, I give up, but you get the idea.

ABC is reviving The Muppet Show. Gee, I thought they already had with Beat the Press. Shows what I know.