The Feigned Fickle Finger of Fate Flocks to the Fore

 Your love is like  stage 4 anal probes

Never ever ever, in your wildest, dreams and thoughts, even think about pissing off a woman. El Chapo's wife is going to rat out the cartel. Apparently he was unfaithful.

Hey, Chapo... now would be a good time to beg for American protection. Even a small hole, with cockroaches, would be safer... Saddam Hussein had one...

2021 Golden Globes?

Who cares? 

• Eyes may show early warnings for Alzheimer's.
• The dems had this scientific breakthrough held til after the election 

QAnon, the conspiracy group following Trump, says he will be made president again next week. I'm going out on a limb here and saying this won't happen. If it were to, it would come as quite a shock to the old guy in the White House. Most importantly, it would come as a real aneurysm creator for his voters. This part might be kinda funny. They've spent the last 4 years with their brains THIS close to popping out their ears already. Then Trump will be declared the loser and we'll might as well put Vermin Supreme in, where he belongs. I believe the gist here is that someone needs to cut off the flow of hallucinogenics to QAnon.

Speaking of which, an 800 year old Hebrew comment on the bible says Iran is going to bomb everyone, the messiah will be revealed, people will panic, and this will be before the Flying AIDS goes away.

We better keep these 2 groups apart or Trump will be revealed as the Messiah, and the democrats will bomb Iran. Close associates say Trump already thinks he's the Messiah.

Today I identify as  that brown stuff under the dirty snow

L.A. police are looking into vandalism, fire at a Buddhist temple. Someone's afraid the Buddhists are going to come after them.

So that American Airlines plane that saw a ufo? This isn't the first time.

Told you so.

There is no snickering in the article. Watch for more of this. For whatever reason, someone has decided to let some truth out. Regardless, it's a psyop. We've been watching these since at least 1940, probably before.

• A news photographer reporting on a suspected outbreak of youth violence..... was attacked and seriously injured. Officials are charging attempted murder.
• Officials are closer than ever to claiming an outbreak of youth violence

My coworker called me the other day. "I don't mean to whine," (he means to whine) "but how's that project I asked for help with?" (dumped on you) "The boss said he wanted it done by Tuesday" (I wanted to get it done to look good for the boss). "I know you're a database specialist" (I'm too fat and lazy to take the free classes) so I thought you could help" (do my work for me). "We're a great team when we work together" (when you do my work for me) "and the boss appreciates it" (and I get credit for it all). "I always make sure to highlight the great work you've done" (sometimes forget to put your name on it).

I'm the guy who 'gets in' to work before his appointed time. That is, until Windows 10. Now we just take it for granted that I'll be 5-30 minutes late. When I shut down, there are naturally all sorts of updates. Ok, this is perfectly acceptable, so long as the option to shut down with updates is there. It isn't? Oh, Microsoft got tired of the charade where you'd tell it not to update and it would update anyway. So I tell it to shut down, it ignores me and updates. Bright and early Monday morning, I fire it up and... it has to process updates. DO NOT TURN OFF COMPUTER. It could have processed updates when it got them, but nooooo, it has to wait til work time. TURN OFF COMPUTER. GET A BETTER OPERATING SYSTEM.

• If you're sitting at your desk, and things just aren't right, and you find yourself going for that 2nd cup of coffee, take it from me: MOVE THE DECAF TO ANOTHER SHELF

Hackers tied to China and hackers tied to Russia's GRU have been in US systems for waaaaay too long. But here are ThermionicEmissions, we emphasize the positive. For instance, if you want to learn Russian, you save a file to the network named LEARN RUSSIAN and they'll get back to you post haste. You'll be learning Russian in no time. Chinese is a little more difficult. LEARN CHINESE will get you Mandarin, but China has more dialects than late shows have Trump jokes, so know this as you go in.

Pfizer and Moderna are getting ahead of the rush for a new trail aimed at boosting effectiveness of their vaccines against new Flying AIDS variants. This could wind up being a real bonanza for vaccine makers! We'd need a shot for each PANIC variant. At this point, you could be getting monthly shots. It would be your patriotic duty to line up for your shots, old people first.  The manufacturers assure us they will make nothing on the shots. Pfizer and Moderna are quick to assure you that, as the variant shots come out monthly, the variants will speed up too, so it will be a daily cycle. Reps for Pfizer and Moderna cannot be reached, because they're partying like it's 1999.

• Leading Irish racehorse trainer Gordon Elliott says a photo circulating on social media of him sitting on a dead horse is real. He apologizes.
• We should have one day a week dedicated to apologies. Monday sounds good. This way, everybody who said something the Cancel Offended Brigade takes exception to can get right up there an apologize.

(British) Farmer A and Farmer B are having a chat. They're talking about the weather, families and expected yields.

Farmer A: Weather looks bout normal.

Farmer B: Yep. Clouds.

A: Sometimes I wonder why everything grown doesn't just wash out to sea.

B: sheep?

A: they're not grown

B: Yes they are

A: they're not planted

B: true. But if the ground goes out, the sheep are likely to go with them

A: true. (H)ouses too.

B: and monkeys

A: we don't grow monkeys

B: but if we did, oh boy they'd be dragging on by

A: you can't plant a monkey

B: sure you can

A: have you ever tried it?

B: err... no.

A: well how do you know?

B: Farmer C said he'd tried it

A: and you'd be ok substituting his word for actual experience?

B: well..... yes.

A: do you have any idea what's involved in planting monkeys? The variance from the council alone would bankrupt you, no less the picketing from the animal rights groups. Then you have to feed them. You can't go to the store and get Monkey Chow.

B: curry

A: you don't feed monkeys curry. 

B: then what do you feed them?

A: well, bananas for one. This is a zero sum game, because you're either growing or buying bananas to feed the monkeys, what you planted a while ago.

B: you could plant a lot of bananas

A: you'd wind up with acres of bananas, most to feed the bleedin monkeys, which, as I said, can't be planted. An exercise in futility, it would be.

B: you know what's really an exercise in futility?

A: what?

B: crop circles

A: why

B: well, you wake up one morning and there's bleedin crop circles. I wouldn't plant them, no sir.

A: you don't plant crop circles.

B: listen, wisearse, if you don't plant them, then how they grow?

A: they don't grow... they kinda show up.

B: well then you might as well plant them.

A: you can't plant crop circles.

B: why not?

A: there are no crop circle seeds.

B: Farmer C has them.

A: have either of you done anything below ground level?

B: Yes. No. It's because of the bleedin crop circles.

A: what about them?

B: they take over your wheat

A: how so?

B: you plant fields of wheat, then in the morning, there's a bloody bleedin intricate crop circle. POOF - there goes your wheat. They just show up, they do, then they start lounging about, encouraging people. Because with the crop circles come the dowsers, the new age people, the press, and 20 people telling people that the crop circle they're standing in doesn't exist. There's less wheat than if everything ran off into the sea.

A: My last crop circle was on the news. I couldn't get a tractor up there for a solid week.

B: Maybe we should complain.

A: Oo you gonna complain to?

B: Ministry of Crop Circles?

A: nah, they closed up last year, along with the Ministry of Refrigerator Size, in the big NHS cutback.

B: what do they mean?

A: The Ministry of Crop Circles?

B: No, the crop circles.

A: some say they're a hoax. some say they're aliens, leaving us a message.

B: you know, it would be a lot more cost effective if they didn't leave it in our wheat.

A: Ay. And a lot more efficient if they just spelled it out in letters, rather than this vague circle nonsense. Better yet, they could just talk to Boris, or someone intelligent.

B: yeah, this Vague Routine is wearing thin.

A: It makes one quite discouraged, especially the farmers.

B: I've got an idea.

A: what?

B: we could plant monkeys.

Toyota is recalling some of its cars, due to their unfortunate habit of catching fire, sometimes while parked. If you remember, Tesla was having this problem recently. Rather than be public about this, I believe the car companies should keep this quiet. If not, pretty soon, all the car companies will feature exploding vehicles. Ford, Chevy, Nissan will all have to get their explosive chops up to speed. They will have to start hiring munitions and demolitions experts, which will do wonders for the economy, as there has been little work for them during the Flying AIDS pandemic. I'm happy to say Hyundai is on the ball.. the other day I got a recall notice because my car does not spontaneously combust. They want to do a retrofit, so we'll have that feature. And it's all free. This is the Korean-American spirit: if you can't beat 'em, make a bigger fire.

I hate to say something positive on this blog...  it kinda kills the atmosphere... but I calls em as I sees em...  We have had 2 major disruptions in payment systems recently: 1 with the major clearing bank for all transfers, and 1 with an outage for a payment processor. Both were serious. The processor outage affected Chik Filet, among others. Not flinching, Chik Filet served free food. If they were only open Sundays...

Chik Filet is where the employees come rushing out to meet Penny when Mrs. lefty is in the car line. I like their food. And now I'm hungry....

SJW SPUNK

School districts are canceling Dr Seuss for "racial undertones"

BURN THEM! BURN THEM! 

Analytics vendor Splunk has followed up on its 2020 decision to stop using the terms “master” and “slave” with a new guide to writing “unbiased documentation”.

Read All About It - Special MAGA Tries to Outclass Congress issue!

Representative democracy took a giant leap forward, and backward, when Trump supporters invaded DC. 

The man who attacked Nancy Pelosi's desk apologized profusely when arrested. He took full blame for misunderstanding Trump's plea for support. "Yes, he said to come to DC and support democracy. For some reason I thought he said to breach Congress and whiz on the Speaker's desk. I am frightfully sorry and will apologize to Speaker Pelosi personally after they use the defibrillator to bring her to life."

Capitol Police, when asked about the ridiculously lax security, said they didn't expect anything to happen. "Besides... we thought everyone was home, fretting over Kim/Kanye...."  When asked why Security was hiding in a closet, they said "They have guns! And besides - we've never had more than 2 people ask to be let in."

During the shameful, destructive display on the floor of Congress, the miscreants got more done than Congress in the last 8 years. Several states are insisting on no prosecution because they haven't seen this level of progress since the Old Days.

BLM and Antifa are wildly jealous, asking why they didn't think of this.

One protester, somewhat disoriented, stole Pence's bible. Another went to do some manual adjustments on McConnell's face, but didn't have the heart, after what someone did to Mitch a few weeks back. Another insisted on riding his tricycle up and down the halls, stopping only to have his diaper changed. A small group stalled when they couldn't spell MAGA.

While performing Congressional Mayhem, some of Congress stopped a few of them to discuss getting a few of their bills through committee. If there's anything the MAGAs know, it's the law. This did not play well with the democrats, who kept shouting they should have their guns confiscated (from behind bulletproof glass, with their armed guards). The MAGoids had to be reminded that just because you hang a few democrats on the wall by their clothes doesn't make it art. Also not art is making fart sounds with your underarms, penis puppets, handing copies of the Constitution to Congress, or asking for naked selfies with the First Lady. Plans for a food fight fell through when the republicans were holding their own and already had the room booked.

For his safety, VP Pence was spirited away to a local vegan restaurant, where no one would ever find him. Congress suggested that the president shelter in Afghanistan.

The mayor ordered the entire invading army arrested for not wearing masks or socially distancing. As they were being hauled off, they became confused, because peaceful protesting was ok when BLM/Antifa did it.

The president posted a video, asking for peace and telling people to go home, but Faceyspaces and Twitter removed it.

Also enraged were the Iranis, who threatened to fly a plane into DC. Their entire threat was overshadowed and they're very mad at Trump's supporters.

Dreams Don't Die - Dreamers Do

 

Your love is like  getting a Brazilian wax

• Former Google CEO calls social networks 'amplifiers for idiots'.
• if the custom made Italian shoe fits...

Today I identify as  a busy bartender, with the Flying AIDS

Actually, I identify as a person who is still sick.

I somehow managed to get an appointment with the doctor, instead of the person who sets up his office furniture. After a lot of phone calls, waiting, and reading 50 books on how to satisfy a woman, I got all set up.  A turkey baster.... I had no idea...

So it's 45 minutes after appointment time, and no doctor. I call the office, which just let me know I'm 9th in line to speak to what passes as a real person. Every 5 seconds, their sophisticated phone system tells me I am still 9th in line.

You know, I'm kinda tired. It's a good thing I don't have anything fatal, or I might slip away, just trying to get some help. Even though we ascertained I don't have the Flying AIDS, I still have a fever, which means I can't come into the doctor's office. Because, you know, we can't have any sick people in the doctor's office. The next time I have an appointment, I'll tell them I can't come in because I'm sick.

I know for a fact that we have a pretty good medical system. I just wonder where it went on vacation and if it's wearing a mask.

• In a win for the anti-violence effort, a 28 year old anti-violence worker in Philly shot and killed a 31 year old male prostitute. 

New Google Nest Hub experiment nixes the “Hey Google” voice hotword

Because let's call a spade a spade.... the thing listens to everything you say... 

• No, mouthwash won't save you from Flying AIDS.
• Because yesterday, mouthwash was said to save you from Flying AIDS 

Google is making it easier to run Windows 10 on Chromebooks.

Because your day isn't crappy enough already... 

Give Blood 

It wasn't entirely by choice... the doctor ordered a lot of tests. In fact, when I saw the list of tests, I asked if I'd have enough blood to go back to work. I suspect some of the values were off, due to the extremely alarmed looks on the blood tech. They don't normally pee in their scrubs, do they?

I brought Mrs lefty along because she said we never spend any quality time together.  The last time I got results, someone suggested we order an ambulance.

When the doc says you need tests, you say "ok" and go get them. You tend to miss small stuff, like 'fast for 12 hours' or 'you'll need to drop off some urine.' There are two distinct reactions to this: the first is that you will NOT be able to produce a drop of urine because you're supposed to. The second is that you pee. Most of my relatives are in the first group. The key here is to shake your head whenever they ask you a question. "Have you fasted for 12 hours?" [head shake]. "Can you fill this up?" [head shake or ask 'from here?'].

Having managed to produce some of the yellow gold, I took one look at the container, before trying to give it to random old ladies who were walking around, and said, "A-HA! This is the problem. Look at that color!" Then I quickly realized I have never seen my urine in a specimen cup so I have no idea what color it's supposed to be. I figure that as long as it's in the General Urine Color Spectrum<tm>, I'm ok. So, lacking any blue or green, I figured I'd just allow the professionals to take care of things... I'm good that way...

Vampire Bob, or the Blood Taker, was very nice, in spite of that odd look in his eye (the good one).  He said I'd only feel a pinch - I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be on my butt. He told me I'd have no blood left, so a high-sugar, high-fat breakfast was essential. I'm just happy I didn't pass out, like the last 12 times. Turns out they like you to tell them this before they stick you. Note: the stools are further from the ground, so it's much farther to fall.

I'm sure my doctor, or his interior decorator, will call me back with the results. My results. Any results. His bloody t-shirt did little to calm my fears, but he sure sounded eager.

• Due to the Flying AIDS, France put 46 million under night curfew. 
• This is political misdirection: the problem is what they get up to during the day.

Burger King is planning to test reusable containers.

They can put their reusable food inside them.

• The problem with online training is that they expect you to pay attention. This is what killed me in classroom training.

You gotta hand it to Greenpeace - they're right on top of things. They say Fukushima contaminated water could damage human DNA. Were they out drinking heavily a few years back, when Fukushima dumped the radioactive water?

Dear lefty  

• What are you doing with that anvil?
• flattening the curve 

Mitch McConnell wants you to know he has no health problems. The purple lips and band aids all over his hands are for Halloween - yeah, that's it - Halloween. 

The immediate question is 'what kind of idiot...' and the immediate answer is McConnell. Remember Halloweens of past, when Harry Reid sported a bandage over his eye and Bush the Dimmer 'choked on a pretzel.'

California is bracing for riots after the election: the police are getting military gear out and the people are getting their Twitter Whining Fingers warmed up.

Catholic leaders are mad at the pope for his speech on same-sex unions. The pope issued a correction: "When I said that same sex couples need love too, what I meant was 'keep on doing those little boys with impunity.' I apologize for any confusion."

Best Title 

The twisted sex lives of Nazis — and the women who loved them

I Feel Good.

Sent off my ballot.

The libertarians had a candidate for almost every seat.

Except for the lady whose every breath disagrees with me.

The only thing missing was the satisfaction of pulling the Libertarian lever and feeling its certainty, as I cast my vote. I'll live.

Unfortunately there will be no stories of the masked Great Unwashed, standing 6' apart, probably in the rain, in the firehouse. There will come a time when a fire breaks out, deafening everybody in line, except for the registrars, some of whom have been dead for 25 years. They do good work.

A huge overall turnout is expected; perhaps the highest since the early 1900s

If nothing else, Trump got people off their fat asses and to the polls.

And peace in the Middle East.

A doctor friend was gleeful about spitting on a Trump sign.

I can't believe I had to tell a friend to register his complaint at the polls, not on someone's private property. I need better doctor friends. 

WTF is wrong with America when this sort of behavior is ok?

Have we been online too long? That kind of toxic behavior is NFG in real life.

I don't go around uprooting Trump AND Biden signs. Think of all the work a 3rd party voter has to do...

Happys 

Weird Al Yankovic

SJW Scrawl 

Twitter suspended a feminist professor for saying 'only females get cervical cancer'

The investment firms that manage Yale's $31.2 billion endowment were put on notice: you will be measured on your progress increasing your staffs' diversity

My Ear Hair Hurts

Remember: cake is merely a delivery system for the icing. Cut out the middleman and just eat icing. You can buy it in a can or make it yourself. Grab a spoon and dig in.


Your love is like  an icepick to the kidney


I don't know about you, but if I lived in Indiana and anyone called me a hoosier, I'd run them over with a chainsaw.



Dear lefty

• Why do you have a mock advice column in your blog?
• Why are your questions always so stupid?

I just spent over 30 highly unsatisfying minutes with my best friend, Windows 10.
These were 30 minutes I wasn't in work, because the computer didn't want to connect to work. Then the 20 minute reboot, then the DNS-blindness, then the refusal to 'see' hardware that it saw perfectly 20 minutes ago, then another reboot. When it finally came up, Outlook once again came up full screen, even though I never use it full screen and have tried many suggestions on how to fix it. I'd replace the box with linux, but I'd have to get a signed note from God himself before my boss would consider it.

Windows: it's not an operating system, it's a virus.



Flying AIDS news

Headline: Everywhere
It's bad. It's going to get worse, unless you follow rules or get a shot or...
This will be the worst [insert period of time] ever.

There is a humongous list of things we may not do because of the Flying AIDS, yet children should go back to school. What's wrong with this picture?

Florida, never gone from the news long, reports that Chinese masks are showing up at many addresses, unsolicited. I guess the Chinese got bored of sending packets of seeds. Odd people, those Chinese. What does this say about Chinese Floridians?

The head of the Department of Natural Resources is telling employees to wear face masks on teleconferences — even when they’re not around others and at no risk of spreading the coronavirus.  Mrs lefty says, "Well, they're certainly drinking the Kool Aid."  In unrelated news, the Department of Natural Resources told its employees to wear condoms 24 hours per day, whether or not they're getting laid.

Hey, if you're in the mood to go back to the movies, you can get 15 cent tickets AMC. Hmmm.... 15 cent tickets... chance of Flying AIDS..... let's get a busload to go!

• speaking of teleconferences, please don't use Zoom. Zoom's privacy issues are all over the press, yet people keep using it. If someone asks you to use Zoom, explain to them that it's a real privacy and malware issue. There are alternatives.

Trumpie

• Trump unloads on ‘stone cold crazy’ Pelosi, ‘mad woman’ Kamala, ‘poor student’ AOC
• for all his faults, and there are many, he sure is entertaining sometimes

I joke that if Trump produced peace in the middle east, people would deny it and use it as grounds for impeachment. I'm a little shocked to read that Israel and the United Arab Emirates have reached a peace deal, which Trump helped broker. Good on all parties!  Oddly, the Palestinians are not pleased, referring to it as treason (which is why there will never be total peace in the middle east).

A man killed himself, allegedly because his wife wouldn't have sex with him.
"You can SUE for that?" you say.
This happened in India, where the decedent's mother is suing the wife for "abetment to suicide."
Although the US has the best and most litigious litigators in the tri-galaxy area, even they couldn't get much past failure to consumate.


Hollywood's Biggest Secret
Ok, Hollywood's Second Biggest Secret
It's Ed Begley, Jr.
You've seen him in black and white movies, current movies, older movies, and he Does. Not. Age.

• In Egypt, archaeologists have unearthed hieroglyphs depicting pharaohs with huge headgear, who look suspiciously like Ed Begley, Jr.
• In the Wild West, Ed Begley, Jr's saddles were #1 and his face was etched on the saddle. His motto was "Buy an Ed Begley, Jr saddle and sit on Ed's face!"
• In a recent inspection of a 1917 Ford Model T, there was a picture of Ed in the glove compartment.
• In the rubble of the Twin Towers, there were cases and cases of Ed Begley, Jr brand thermite: "Have a blow up on Ed!"
• Records indicate there was no Ed Begley, Sr.

Did you delete anything on Instagram?
It's supposed to take up 90 days. Turns out it might have kept things for more than a year.  I hate to say this again, but don't post anything online that you wouldn't post in the local library or give to your grandparents. Assume that when you post something, even privately, it's available for public view, or at least view by the employees of the service.



Department of Justice says Yale discriminates against whites and Asians


SJWs Worldwide

India, Jamaica, and Canada are also celebrating Kamala Harris' appointment, largely for the same reasons the democrats are: she's black, female, lived in Canada, and has Indian roots. In other words, India, Jamaica, and Canada are every bit as shallow and dim as America.


LA Times: Camping is often called America's favorite outdoor activity. But camping and national parks have a complicated past when it comes to racial equality and equal access for all. One modern barrier to entry: the cost of camping gear. Yes, camping is racist.

You've Got A Nice Angina

Welcome, folks.
We're at this precarious balance between Captivity and Running Around, so we're not ruling anything out. The Venutians could land tomorrow and it would all be off, knowwhatImean?

Restaurants are allowing indoor seating! (but you have to wear a mask)
Malls are welcoming customers, but you have to wear a thong.
You can get a haircut, but you have to go naked. Know those little hairs that cause so much grief? It will not work out well.


I itch like a mf-er.
This is not normal.
After inspection, it appears I got eaten up by something of the insectual variety.
Notice Mrs lefty isn't eating me up and causing bumps.  Ok, this might not be good.



The Uber PC Crowd Follies continues, this time in even weirder ways.

1. Advertisers are pulling out of Faceyspaces. Led by a left wing hate group, the Anti Defamation League, its demands are hiring a “C-suite level executive with civil rights expertise to evaluate products and policies for discrimination, bias, and hate.” Now let's see.... a completely unrelated entity is telling huge corporations who to hire. Perfectly reasonable. Upside Down World continues, but gets weirder. I can't stand Faceyspaces, but I have to side with them... they're a private corporation - they don't need to bow to the agitators. I saw a video where people were talking about aliens, and the ADL referred to that as antisemitic.
2. Reddit, one of the ugliest and nicest places on the net just purged over 2,000 subreddits, including The_Donald. Reddit started as a free speech outlet, then started whittling away what they didn't like, claiming to retain the free speech title. I haven't seen the list of what got sent packing, but I never visited The_Donald. Why would I? If I had the keys to Reddit, I'd keep it open, in the spirit of free speech, and because I used to hold Reddit up as a bastion of free speech.
3. As it has been, the only truly free place to speak is Gab.

Speaking of Gab, their Visa payment processor dropped them, for 'hate speech.'

This is not new or surprising. What is surprising is that Andrew Torba, Gab's CEO, is blacklisted by Visa, as is his wife. Neither of them will be able to do business with Visa. It might go even further.... 

'Stop using our pain to attract black consumers'

I'm laughing... not at anyone's pain, but at the fact that almost everyone has a Black Lives Matter bit in their ads. Even Guitar Center.

Gucci owner Kering will have a new person on board, to try to reduce its environmental impact. Yes, no greater an environmental champion than Emma Watson has joined the board. Who knew playing Hermione had the built in benefit of conferring Environmental Impact Specialist upon the broom-rider.

Go ahead and laugh, but next week I start as a Good Taste Consultant with the Metropolitan Ballet.

In a tweet that was later deleted, rapper Gucci Mane (Susan Smith) called his label 'polite racist.'  He's just posturing for a date with Hermione.  See how I strung that together? Imma call myself Fender Pate.

The president says he's heard some interesting things about Roswell, but he's not sharing, even with his eldest child. What he tells his children is his choice, but I hereby demand he tell the American public, who are overdue for an explanation. I'd bet Trump knows something - he's somewhat incapable of keeping his mouth shut.

33,000 Floridians may have incorrect results from their Flying AIDS tests.

This entire pandemic is a shit show and nobody has any idea what they're doing. By design?

Joe Biden said he would make masks required in public if he were president.

He would also make half the people wear those whirligig hats, and the other half wear the ones with the arrow through them. 

As all good people must, I went to the dentist the other day.

The place looked like Fly by Night Dentistry. The voices were telling me "RUN RUN!" but it took so much to get me to a doctor in the first place, I stuck it out.

As you'd expect, I caused a ruckus when I wouldn't let them copy my license. Three members of their staff spoke to me on this Heavy Matter<tm>, finally deciding that the ugly face on the license matched the ugly face in the chair, so I was me. This came as both relief and horror to Mrs lefty: she'd prefer that I were someone else. Anyone else.

As per prophecy, the office was a regular UN, with America, China, and Ukraine in attendance, at very least. And the gay guy. The gay guy did not like me, which is just fine - I don't need acquaintances that sneer behind my back at me. The Ukrainian tech made most of my cells do a little dance. The way I saw it, there were few obstacles between us: my wife, her fiancee, and my looks. And of course there was the stereotypical black girl with the attitude and large posterior. After drawing up a lesson plan, with costs, insurance payments, and copayments, they turned me loose. The did not perform a single Dental Thing - they just let me go. They told me my copayment for the next visit, but I noticed they never told me the total - they just sent me home with the estimate. This might have had something to do with the 4 figure total for copays. I already put the vet's kids through school, I'm not doing it for the dentist too.

I noticed that nobody looked like my former dentist, Dr Mengele, so I'm hoping for better results. Either his work was subpar or I've been in there, pulling stuff out and messing around. It took all I had to get me to the dentist. Now I'm going to have to do it again. This plan is not what the environment people would call sustainable.  They might have to get a trebuchet and launch me through the front window.

RIP Carl Reiner (98) 

A funny funny man.

Vermin Supreme Has Ideas

A JetBlue flight was interrupted when iPhones were sent a picture of a suicide vest. An iPhone feature allows people within 30' to send pictures.

More iDevice-related terror.

iPhone privacy tips.


If you use WhatsApp or Telegram, you'll want to turn this setting off. Now.


Police can start with almost no information about a person of interest and instantly know intimate details of their lives. Interested in the latest assault on our liberties?

• Police in Tennessee have requested people not flush their drugs, because it could lead to 'meth-gators'.

Dear lefty

• How many SJWs does it take to change a light bulb?
• None. Light Bulbs are a tool of the patriarchy.

Reaching way back, Robert Plant's first two post-Led Zeppelin tours and albums featured a relatively unknown drummer called Phil Collins. Must've been a tough road, being famous with Genesis then drumming for Robert Plant.

But, you're asking yourself, what did Zep look like at their first concert?




Florida

A Florida man was sentenced after raping his baby daughter and posting footage to the web. I'm sure he'll be very popular in prison.

The Florida DMV sells your personal information to private companies and marketing firms...  hint: they're not the only ones.

A Texas woman lived with her dead mother for three years.
Texas must be a city in Florida.

A Florida man has been accused to cutting off his neighbor's genitals after catching him having sex with his wife.



A thief in Philly stole a man's car, with his kids inside.
The man took off after his kids, caught up with his car, and yanked the thief out.
Neighbors offered their assistance and somehow the thief wound up dead.

Instant Karma.

• I just watched Penny the Wonder Cocker catch a bird. She's fast.

Batteries and Self-Driving Cars
My buddy was looking at hybrids. The one she saw recommended replacing the batteries every 5 years, at $8k. I wonder if it's covered under the warranty...

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but the green push to electric cars blindly ignores the cost of manufacturing batteries, generating electricity at home and charging stations, and disposing of old batteries. Doesn't seem that green to me.

Along the same lines, driverless cars are not ready for prime time, yet we hear about them as if they're flawless. Even the testing has someone at the wheel, just in case. This also ignores the privacy and security aspects.



Rhubarb ain't what it used to be?

We attended a hamfest over the weekend. Before you laugh about porcine references, a hamfest is an electronic radio flea market. We had a blast, looking around at stuff for sale. While I was looking at something, a guy at the next table hailed Mrs. lefty. He asked if she liked her vegetables. He handed her a bunch of rhubarb, along with directions to cook it. When she asked what she owed him, he said nothing. Hams are some nice people. If we get randy, we can flog each other with it. Or she could cook it. I'm voting for the former.

As I type this, there is a tv show with a segment on rhubarb.

Since we were looking at radios and other goodies, I scored a small mixer and microphone. The others got carabiners, electronics learning kits, and assorted toys. It was a fun time.

• In order to grow almond trees, you need to plant two kinds of trees: male and female. Don't look outside unless you really want to watch trees fuck.

President Trump continues to endear himself to the rest of the world via tweets. Responding to criticism from the Anti Defamation League, that $8 billion is not enough aid for Israel, Trump suggested they go back to Israel. When informed the members of the ADL were American-born, he said they hated America and were antisemites. Democrats said the tweets were racist and sexist. CNN is reporting from the Trump toilet. Israel said everyone hates the ADL. A spokesman for the White House said it was moving to New Jersey.

• Someone needs to tell dress manufacturers not to run a seam right up both breasts. The newslady has a glaring yellow dress on, with what look like huge nipples....
• Oh.

SJW Sayings

We're just past the 50th anniversary of the moon landing. It was an incredibly important event worldwide. There's some great footage of people in other countries, lined up in front of television stores, watching the event and wishing the astronauts the best. Meanwhile, back home....

• Democrats of color protested the moon landing as sexist, racist, and a display of white supremacy.
• Women in tech organizations demanded new missions to be women-only.
• Liberals said that if the aliens invade and try to kill us, they should be granted immediate citizenship.
• Republicans are desperately searching for a way to become invisible.
• Moon landing skeptics were locked in a small room at NASA, with no net access.
• The president said that if the astronauts had any complaints, they should go back to the moon.

[Twitter] Since at least the 1950s, "communist" has become a popular coded word for nigger. Let's be real. Black Russians?

Rihanna is accused of cultural appropriation. On the cover of Harper's Bazaar China, her hairstyle and jewelry are similar to Chinese styles.

Vermin Supreme for President - free ponies

Blog? You Call This Thing A Blog?

Best Headline:

1 person sent to hospital after drinking internet personality's bath water.

No really... there's at least one young female making a bundle selling her (used) bath water. Is this one of those apocalypse horsies I always hear about?


Speaking of selling your bath water, the latest trend is going to a store and licking something from a package, like ice cream, then putting it back. Of course you video yourself and post it on the net.

Remember Ariana Grande? She went into a donut shop, picked up a donut and licked it, then put it back, stating that she hated white people. For once, she was ahead of the curve.

One person caught doing this faces up to 20 years in prison. I wonder if the trial will be livestreamed on Faceyspaces and become a trend....

The police apprehended one of these people and arrested him for tampering. The fellow showed them store video of him purchasing the item after the stunt, but he got arrested anyway.


UPDATE: The girl selling bathwater (or one of her friends) is also selling urine, as Gamer Girl Pee.

I don't do sociology, but I want to know that sociologists are saying about this.




Dear lefty:

• Why is my display so dirty?
• Too much one-handed typing.

NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory was hacked for nearly a year without being detected. It was discovered in April 2018 and NASA temporarily disconnected several space flight related systems from the JPL network.  

In other news, the Mars Rover, NASA's coffee machines, and several lunar simulators belonging to JPL have all stopped working....


Do you have a MAC and use the videoconferencing service ZOOM?
Don't.
A security researcher discovered a flaw that allows to turn on your webcam without your knowledge or consent. The second flaw is that it installs a web server on your computer which stays there, even if you delete the software. This means things can be downloaded to your computer without your knowledge or permission. The company patched the first item but chose to leave the server, for 'user experience'.  

Don't use Zoom


Researchers discovered over 1,300 android apps collected data when you denied permission.


The US Coast Guard issued a safety alert following a cyber attack:

1. Do not use your computers under water
2. Use protection, personally and on your computer (they didn't).
3. There is a 90% probability your bunkmate does not want to play Hide the Salami.

• Microsoft partners told they're no longer getting free software to run their businesses.
• Partners should look into a free OS that is free of licensing and free of MS. We might know of one.....

Things We Can Do Without

1. Wasabi ice cream
2. the Duck Decoy Museum
3. bagpipes

UK News

In an interview, Boris Johnson said he couldn't wait to get his message out. The interviewer suggested perhaps showing up at debates might help. Boris terminated the interview, but allowed that he might send his lawnmower to the debates next time.

The British Labour Party continues to deal with antisemitism allegations. A party member resigned because he couldn't deal with the level of antisemitism. Labour said they regret his resignation and wish the goddamn Christ-Killing Jew the best.

In yet another move for world diplomacy, President Trump referred to the UK ambassador as 'wacky,' and a 'very stupid guy', after the ambassador referred to him as 'the kind of person who is tall and has good teeth', in a leaked paper.

Not satisfied, Trump then scolded Teresa May for not taking his advice on Brexit, then failing totally. Comments were immediate, saying that Brexit was none of Trump's business. The comments came during the protest against Trump's border policies.



UPDATE: the British Ambassador resigned.

Although my diplomacy skills are rough (largely nonexistent), I'm wondering about this affair. The way I see it, if the Prime Minister asked for a report, advice, or observation, the fellow was in the right in giving it. The leaker was a cheeky little bugger who needs a lesson. Was the ambassador correct in making the assessment? If so, leave him alone. If he was wrong, he should resign. So far, this is only a show (politics as usual). The issue here seems to be that he got caught. Will the ability to avoid this be the single criterion for his replacement?

Would the US do the same thing?

Please correct me if I'm off here or this is not how diplomacy works.

Note: I'm just asking about the process. I am not commenting on the note, the accuracy of the note, or Trump.

• RIP Rip:  Elmore Raul Torn, Jr, aka Rip Torn (88).
• Charles Elmer Taylor, aka Rip Taylor, is still throwing confetti.

Mrs lefty came home from shopping (never a good omen) and showed me her bounty. She tells me she saved me $100 on these shoes. Suspending disbelief, I asked her how. Well, these shoes were on sale, as were these... $100 off the bill!

That's nice, Dear. By the way, I just saved you $1,000.
HUH?
Well the left handed guitar shop has a Custom Shop 1958 Strat. If I ordered it new, it would be $4,000. Since it's used, it's only $3,000. I saved you $1,000!

Turns out savings doesn't work both ways.

• I love recruiters. Just received info on a job 5 hours away. I politely declined, stating the 10 hour commute would be too much.
• What is wrong with these people?

SJW Stuff

Salon magazine: exposed: The Declaration of Independence is sexist, racist, and prejudiced.


Bette Midler tweeted that it's 115 degrees in France and Trump is only interested in putting tanks on the mall for a salute to himself. 36k likes. I'm a fan of hers.

Twitter: where you find your favorite stars' personal opinions lack any sort of discernible logic.

Perhaps she wants the president to load up an aircraft carrier with window air conditioners for the people of France. Or send emergency ice. Will she carry air conditioners and do a USO show for the troops? She can sing her hit, "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy Who Voted for Hillary."



Remember Antifa - the anti fascists?
Remember they committed acts of violence against people who didn't agree with them in Portland? With masks on?
Remember how they and their friends honestly believe they can assault people because they deserve it (for showing up and disagreeing nonviolently)?
Remember how the police did nothing, under orders of the mayor?

One day, Antifa is going to protest in the wrong neighborhood, say somewhere in Texas. There will be some dirty diapers that day. Open carry is a religion in Texas.

I really don't want to see this. No one should get assaulted, milkshaked, or shot at a public protest. No matter how much you want to see someone get some instant karma. As they say online, Shit's Getting Real.

How do you convince a misguided group of people that it is not a human right to hit people with crowbars if you think they're Nazis? They're going to get way more than they anticipate.

It's almost like Divide and Conquer.

Oh.

No Elephant Parking

The president is holding a conference where I work!
I'm sure it has nothing to do with me being asked to take the day off with pay.
There is a poll on how many times he says 'the best xxx'. Another poll on which one of us can get some quality time interviewing Melania. And $1,000 to the person who asks if this is the first set of implants on a First Lady.

We had to cancel the poll about the media treating the First Lady like they did the former First Lady (fashion icon and all around wonderful person) because we couldn't find anyone who thought they would.



Election Overview

The 2020 election will make history.
There are 457 democrats running, Trump, maybe another republican for fun, and one of any number of Clintons. The Libertarians (my people) haven't selected a candidate, the Greens get less press than my people, and the Socialist Party refused to support Bernie because he's too socialist.



Dear lefty:

• Why are there red spots on my wee wee?
• Because you'll nail anything that will stay still for 30 seconds.

Best Headline: "Tornado of poop" hits Massachusetts town after overpressurized sewage line experiences severe blockage.  Everyone wants to be California.

• Debate Season: when you watch these travesties (from any party), listen to the empty promises, some which don't align with reality, and ask yourself what the person has already done about the promise. The answer is nothing.
• Note the naked pandering.
• Remember the last debates. Remember the promises. Do you remember any results?
• Remember the hot air about things getting better when the opposite party gets into office. What happened? What are you being told now? Same thing.
• Our memories are short - about four years. Let's go over the script and decide to do something different. If we don't change our actions, we won't change the endless cycle of the same results.

A political parody, not too far from truth

Recently, Amelia Octavia Complex, democrat and Trump admirer, compared the illegal alien holding facilities to Auschwitz.  Her party did not take the statement lightly but used the opportunity to complain about the facilities. After Trump had them moved, Pelosi and Schumer were apoplectic because the illegals didn't get cable. After Trump gave them each $25,000 out of his own pocket, Pelosi publicly vilified the president for going outside government channels.

Trump put the illegal aliens up in his hotels, which drew the ire of Schumer, because they had a lot of stairs to walk down if the elevators broke, and still no cable. A problem solver, Trump built each of the illegals a house, again out of his pocket. The entire democratic party screamed, "IMPEACH" because the houses weren't in nice enough neighborhoods, and they still had no cable. No sane person should tolerate this. As a final move, the president gave all illegal aliens citizenship, expecting Pelosi would finally be satisfied. Pelosi stammered and shook, saying that illegal aliens should not get instant citizenship; instead, they needed to go through the official immigration process.

• Pro Tip: stay out of the Dominican Republic

Good Morning, Vietnam. Good Night, Georgia

For tax and other reasons, a lot of Hollywood's filming moved from Los Angeles to Georgia. They were doing well. Since Georgia passed the anti-abortion law, many businesses are boycotting, among them, some of the film industry.  It will be very interesting to see the end result of the boycotts. May the bite you take out of your own ass be large and painful, Georgia.

• My carbon footprint is size 11

Let me put your day in perspective

Penny just returned from a chemo treatment.
There was a couple who was looking after their mom's dog while she was in the hospital. They got a call that Mom died. Then a staff member came out to tell them the dog died.

Stay close to your people and pets. Appreciate them every day. You never know...

• Angela Merkel (R-Germany) has been seen with really bad tremors. It was so bad, her assistant mistakenly called her Hillary. The staff said it was hot outside and she was dehydrated. 
• Like you, I've seen a lot of people in hot weather (except my Siberian readers), none with serious body tremors. It was painful to watch.

Politics is Politics:

The British liberal party just accused the conservative party of being the party of antisemitism. Sound familiar?

This shouldn't be a problem in a country where it's against the law to say anything bad about anybody online.

• This week's Word We Can Live Without: staycation

SJW News

Toy Story 4 slammed for 'lack of lead black characters and disablism'

The knitting community is dealing with racism.
While they're at it, they banned pro-Trump content.

• An Alabama Ford dealer offered a free shotgun, bible, and American flag when buying a new vehicle.  The promotion stopped abruptly, when Ford Motor Company asked them to STOP IT.
• It's not like the items aren't going to be in the vehicle the next day anyway..

and Leon's getting larrrrrger!

Your Car is Racist

Things must be getting interesting in England, where candidate Boris Johnson (R-New Jersey) has just been accused of racism and stoking unrest. Gee, where have we heard something like this before?  Tune in next week for The Bizarre Hair Club for Men special.


Today in the news, there is none.
CNN is in hysterics, trying to cram everyone who has negative things to say about Trump running for re-election on the air.
FOX is overjoyed with the announcement, running clips from the rally and having a giggle at other 'news' outlet clips, every one damning Trump.

So it's SNAFU - Situation Normal, All F'd Up.

But wait, there's actually a development....
FOX has a bible study program.
A bible study program.

Well, it's their station, their clear bias, but a bible study program?
I'm certain it's trademark Fox, but putting cameras in the study says something about the network as well as the participants. If I were in that group, I'd strenuously object because cameras change things and I wouldn't want my private thoughts and feelings aired on tv (I have a blog for that - STOP IT!).

Not even an illusion of propriety.




Blighty

• Another candidate for Minister of Prime Beef is a fellow who looks like Howdy Doody, always smiling, with lips that don't entirely make it over his teeth. If he wins, how will the good people of the UK know when he is happy or sad? He'd have to hire a press secretary to report bad news because he always looks happy about it.
• Do you hear that? It was the sound of my British reader closing this site for the last time.
• The duke and duchess of TV Coveridge, Henry or Harry something, are getting praise for their work with the elderly. The other day, a motorcycle in their security detail taught an 83 year old woman how to fly. The security motorcycle hit her and up she went. What goes up came right down, and now she's in the hospital ('in hospital' in British). The duke and duchess, asked for comment, said, "The woman had a lot of nerve, being in the way of our security detail.  At her age, she should know better. We'll invite her to the palace and introduce her to the Queen's stunt double. That should keep the lawsuits down to a minimum. Oh, is this microphone on?"

645,000 clients are affected in Oregon Department of Human Services data breach. It started as a phishing expedition and an employee bit. Human engineering is a huge security hole that can't be reliably plugged. This stuff ain't new.

Dear lefty:

• Why are women of color objecting to dictionary.com's definition of black?
• Because 'words hurt'. The people complaining lack basic knowledge of language and comprehension.

“If a young Black person saw and learned these definitions for ‘Black,’ they would be unintentionally learning to hate themselves. The statement: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words do not, is untrue,”...

Trojan, world famous maker of latex hand warmers, has a new social media campaign: if you're one of the 59% of men who are unhappy with the shape or size of your hand, comment with [hash]PrideInMine.

Yes, you can advertise to millions that your appendage is tiny and misshapen. It will also do wonders for your love life. Win/win.

• Two drones have been downed near Iran. These cost $180 million each. Your tax dollars at work.

There is a charity in England that gives out free healthcare for pets of the homeless. This is a wonderful humanitarian gesture. And I'm thinking of how much we've spent on vet care/cancer treatment....

• The Supreme Court has ruled that a large cross monument to WWI soldiers can stand in Maryland. They consider it history moreso than religion. 
• This is the Supreme Court. Aren't they supposed to uphold the First Amendment, among others? 
• Rest assured if someone put an upside down cross there as a monument, we wouldn't be having this discussion. 
• All veterans deserve a monument.

It could be worse: you could live in Horry County, South Carolina.

• We noticed an elderly lady with some brightly colored doodads on her walker. When Mrs lefty complimented her, her daughter said, "She's 102."
• We asked the lady about her secret for long life, as she was walking out of the Red Meat Emporium.
• When I make 102, if my helper announces my age to every stranger who walks by, I will run her over with my walker. And again with my car.

Note to Libertarian party members:

We have a better chance than ever to make numbers this election. We definitely dropped the ball last time. Amid calls for donations and advocacy, let's take a page from the business world: dress for success.  It kills me to make appearances a key point, but it's reality. My last search for candidates showed a broad swath, mostly dressed like and looking like a loose IT department. Let's stop looking like mountain folk and groups with cotton candy-colored hair if we want to be taken seriously. While suits don't convey ability, you had better wear one to a job interview. Why don't I knock on doors or carry signs? Because I look like some sort of rock star reject, and wouldn't want people to think this is what we are. I scare people. 

When we debate, just showing up is points. Standing next to the established party clowns should be of immense help on its own. Knowing talking points and having enthusiasm are also mandatory. Let's not repeat Gary; that was an opportunity to score big.

We should also have a VP candidate that isn't a republican and doesn't identify strongly with them in interviews and practice.

It's a long, tough road, with established parties throwing up roadblocks because they're scared of us. As our numbers get higher, libertarian points are starting to creep into the established platforms. At very least, that's where we can do some good. We're not going to win for a long time, but we're making inroads and getting heard. Now all we have to do is let half of the country know there is another party.

Be safe out there and vote FOR, not against.

Legalize Lawn Darts!

WHat - you don't capitalize the second letter of sentences?
I keep trying to figure out why I do this. I suspect it's my ADD, smacking my dyslexia around.



The Vatican says people cannot choose or change genders.
This will come as quite a shock to the people who already have.

Perhaps they say Outrageous Stuff to take attention away from their hobbies.




Dear lefty:

• I heard that children as young as two are using the internet.
• At least they have an excuse for acting like a two year old.

The British conservative party (The Screamin' Starchies) introduced the first 47 candidates to replace the other lady who left. The issue is not that there are 47 candidates.. the issue is that one of the candidates is mildly attractive, which has thrown the entire election into chaos. The British Dental Association is involved, asking how they can possibly live up to the standard of perfectly normal teeth. The news outlets are looking to hire style commentators. The Chinese already have cheap knockoffs of her dresses. The British Hat Consortium has come unglued because she hasn't been seen wearing one of those conservative, laid back hats, the size of a small horse.

The candidate in question, Lady Fah Fah Fah Hosehead Knickers, blamed the entire brouhaha on Trump, silencing the controversy permanently.




Da Blooz

Funny how stuff works.
I came about my blues lessons by second generation blues players, like Led Zeppelin, Jeff Beck, and Eric Clapton; only I didn't know it. They were simply idols.

Around 1980, Stevie Ray Vaughan broke and took heads off with his fire and strong blues playing. SRV introduced the blues to everyone, including people who never heard of it.

Stevie made me curious, so I went back to do some exploring.
Listening to the three Kings, Albert, BB, and Freddie (RIP all), I began to see where SRV picked up his licks. Albert King immediately drew my attention because I recognized where Stevie got most of his licks. There's audio and video evidence of the two performing together, which must be seen. T Bone Walker was an early bluesman who had a heavy influence on future rockers, as did the spiritual Robert Johnson. He was the subject of Crossroads, with Ralph Macchio and Steve Vai.  If you listen to SRV before he hit big, you'd hear the influence of Eric Clapton, which jumps right up and grabs your ear.

It's mind-expanding to listen to the old masters and realize where my second generation heroes got it from. They sped it up and distorted the tones, but it's all there - they just renamed it Rock.

• Once again, a reminder to make sure you don't expose Remote Desktop Protocol to the internet. There is a patch from Microsoft - install it. There are at least two very serious backdoors that will infect your computer and make your information no longer yours. RDP has no security. It should not be anywhere near the internet.

California, a small planet west of Arizona, will be extending full health benefits to illegal aliens.

People keep re-electing these politicians. Apparently they, like Bernie Sanders, believe everything is free. The designation 'illegal' has no meaning for them. TIP: Identify as an illegal alien; you'll get full benefits. Within a year, I expect to have a pass for robbing banks too.

• Oxfam, a popular charity, got caught during an investigation with a culture of sexual abuse of the people they're supposed to be helping, some children. The company ignored the behavior. Oxfam said they're very sorry (for getting caught) and they'd do everything they could (to avoid getting caught). Further, to fix the problem, they will be hiring the Catholic church's public relations firm.

Joe Biden came out of the gate swinging. I prefer the Biden who did Goofy Stuff... it's difficult to take him seriously, especially when there are no women to fondle. It must be like when Al Franken went into politics... a comic trying to get people to take him seriously. Trump's response: did someone teach him to read?

All of this has been verified in a Quinni.... Quinnipee.... Quinnipeepee... popular poll.





If you have a Whirlpool dryer in the UK, you are advised to unplug it in an immediate fashion, lest it catch fire. Whirlpool said it's very sorry (for getting caught) and safety is its first priority. They're proud of their record, only taking four years to deal with the problem, and only after the government got involved. They are committed to fixing the problem (not getting caught again) and have turned down all requests to appear on the news or at polo matches. They will modify any defective units (about 500,000) or offer a discount on a new dryer, which will catch fire more spectacularly. All new Whirlpool appliances come with fire extinguishers, which are illegal in the UK because the firefighter union complained it takes away jobs.

My Hair Hurts

Theresa May has announced she'll be stepping down as Prime Minister of England. Insiders say that she was unable to get the country to stand by its own vote.

A likely candidate is Boris Johnson. This guy is a shoe-in because his hair looks like he was attacked by a lawnmower: it will bring the UK and the US closer in follicles.

• Trump allows Barr to declassify surveillance documents around the Russia investigation. Perhaps if we send postcards, he'll declassify ufo documents.

Dear lefty:

• Why do I have trouble with relationships?
• You're too clingy. That and your micro-penis.

Making dietary changes is hard. We shouldn't have to do it... it lowers quality of life. Candy and CocaCola is a perfectly nutritious breakfast, but nooooo..... After that special diet most of my life, I had to make sacrifices. People used to tell me that sugar is poison. They don't tell me that anymore because they're afraid of getting hit. Again. They don't understand the sacrifices I've made... Morning coffee is sacred to everyone. I went from three tablespoons of sugar to two teaspoons. I'm still shaking, after a year. Don't let anyone tell you it's easy.

• In Australia, a man was fined at the airport for not declaring his nuts. Perhaps he identifies as female. Regardless - be proud.. show your nuts!

A man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles. That's the ugliest case of gender confusion ever.

• Florida (YAY!) banned 'childlike' sex dolls. 
• Florida is God's Waiting Room - what would they do with.... ewwww

The Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the state has no obligation to protect personal information. They did, however, restate that they have an obligation to take your money and fritter it away on any old thing, then raise your taxes.  Privacy - from the people who brought you the DMV.

• ThermionicEmissions applauds Gillette for inclusiveness, in its commercial about a father teaching his trans son to shave. Inclusiveness: what we all want to see.

Through the mid 80s, there were scheduled burns of garbage at Area 51. These were toxic materials from the Stealth program. Employees started developing cancer and demanded information. (Mr.) President Clinton signed an order stating that Area 51 was off-limits for investigations, on national security grounds. People continue to die, but it's a patriotic death - for national security. 

• If you live with someone who has ADD and you're bored, buy a house fan. While putting it together, put the front on upside down, so the logo is upside down. THIS is why I'm going to hell.

We've Done It

I joke about being part of Trump's Space Force.
I joke about Space Force.
I joke.

Yesterday I heard that India just successfully tested their satellite killer.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen - we have (already) weaponized space.
Seemingly tired of having enough hardware to blow up the planet ten times over, we moved the fun to space.

See a pattern?

Just a few short (evolutionary) years ago, we were beating each other with sticks and bones. Then canons, rifles, chains, guns, bigger guns, grenades, bombs, etc.


-------------------------> [Hey, who paid for this shit?]


-------------------------> [Hey, who benefits from this shit?]



As a guy with no interest in bombing anyone (except spammers), this is not a welcome thought. It's not like things are going to stop here.

As a guy trying to look at this from a larger perspective, it's saddening.
We're better than this.



If there is any other life out in that absolutely humongous universe, can you imagine what it thinks of us?

Fists, Rocks, Chains, Knives, and Guns

UK Knife Crime Protection Orders would impose sanctions - including bans on using social media - on anyone aged 12 or over suspected of being involved in knife crime, even if they have not been caught with a blade....

While Americans snort and fall down laughing, this brings up several points:
First, the UK is very silly.
Second, the UK is a staging ground for what's coming.
Third, nothing changes.

Let's face it - we can pretty much replace knife with gun. This makes the panic more interesting and enlightening. You know the criminals are saying, "We can't stab him - we'll be locked out of Faceyspaces!" I'm sure we can agree that threats of punishment are useless, just as they are for most crime. You can get the death penalty for murder - does that stop anybody? I will admit that no one has ever proposed a social media ban for murder (or even shooting). How a social media ban would work is yet another interesting topic. Don't forget, the UK has made it 'illegal' to say Bad Things about people online... the police will visit. This also trips up the American concept of due process - you're punished before you're proven innocent or guilty... somewhat draconian, wouldn't you say?

This brings home that people will find a way to assault others, whether verbally or with implements. Banning any of them won't help - people will just use others. The problem goes deeper, a concept we won't bother discussing at the moment. Eventually people will be assaulting others with phasers, tasers, lasers, masers, ray guns, and invisibility beams. We'll see the same impotent responses too.

• Apparently there was a sale on candy.... three very large party packs of caramel M&Ms just appeared. The first one is almost done, because it's like crack to me. I'd think she wanted to kill me with chocolate, but we don't have enough life insurance to make it worthwhile for her (on purpose). 

Dear lefty:

• Is there anything good about Philly?
• Yes, leaving it to get to the surrounding suburbs.

Washington state declared a state of emergency over an outbreak of measles.

Not to be outdone, Alabama declared a state of emergency over expected bad weather.

California is about to declare a state of emergency over a shortage of cosmetic plastic.

Florida (God's waiting room) has been hit hard with a shortage of waitresses for the 3-4pm dinner shift.

A homeless Georgia man is accused of breaking into a funeral home and raping a woman's corpse.

When asked why, he said that raping a man's corpse would be gay.

• for some reason I really want to be here right now. To play and to feel....

It was a new day. A new week. There was sun outside. The temps were above single digits.
The children, recently frozen to the ground, were being collected and taken inside.
The snow lost its battle with temperature, I lost my battle with the printer, and a lot of people continued to hate the president. The marital conversation with the baseball bats had taken a temporary break, and I got invited to perform at an album release party. I accepted before they told me how they wanted me to perform.

• To the families of passengers on Flight 234: When we say we'll have you on the runway in 5 minutes, we're not kidding. We will let you know when we find the rest of the plane.

A 4 year old boy in Washington state found a handgun and shot his 8 months pregnant mother in the face. Fortunately her condition has improved, and the child, much to his disappointment, will not remain an only child.

• A Texas man was killed when his vape pen exploded. RIP.
• Nobody listens to me when I say smoking kills.

Dear lefty:

• Sonny Smellenbad, of Selma, San Francisco, asks why he has so much trouble smelling salts
• Because when you were born, your mother didn't know if you were hers or not.

President Trump gave his 2nd State of the Union speech recently. 

Opposition boycotted the speech, saying Trump lied. Asked what he lied about, they said it didn't matter - whatever it is, they're against it.

• I hate to say this, but the 4th season of Monty Python suffered greatly from the absence of John Cleese. Reached for comment, Mr. Cleese said, "The season is dead. It's a stiff. It's bleedin demised."

Hey, it's been at least 5 minutes since my last rant, so here's another. We call this Let's Ship with UPS:

Some work equipment developed an attitude so they sent me replacements. They came with a UPS return label, which was their first mistake. I sealed the box up and went online to schedule a pickup. That was my first mistake. Like most of us, avoiding human contact is a bonus.  Got through all the forms online with no grief, then it asked me for payment. It's a prepaid label, complete with tracking number. Naturally there is no way to indicate this, although I certainly tried.

Shit - human contact.

Well, maybe not. The phone sent me to a voice response system, to which I gave all my information again. I had no idea blood type was so important to shipping. Sure enough, it wanted payment too. So far this is two automated systems that wanted money. I need one of these, so whoever calls me has to pay, with no option not to pay before talking to me. I picked out random words to say to the system, including some rather interesting ones, and finally got shipped to an operator. I could understand most words she spoke, which worried me.  At the end, she told me that since I scheduled a pickup, there would be a $20.17 charge for a pickup.

No there wouldn't.

Bill it to my employer. They sent me the bloody label. It's their friggin equipment. Believe me, they want it back in the region of NOW. They will pay the charge. They're a rather large organization. In fact, they're a really large organization. Bill them.

Nope. She kept with the script.

I wondered how far her training went and did they cover Master-level sarcasm.

She kept with the script, only worded differently.

She was good.

Even after I explained my company's budget, the fact they sent me the label to return it ($437 next day shipping), and read her home address to her, she asked me how I wanted to pay.

I didn't.

She suggested I could get the receiver to call her and tell her how they were going to pay. They wouldn't schedule the pickup until they heard from the company. You worked some jobs at some places - I know this. You had shipper/receivers. Nobody on the planet ever called your shipper/receivers to ask how they were going to pay for a package's pick up charge. Even if they had, the employees weren't about to give out their personal credit cards. Or blood type. 

I shook my head in defeat, as I pulled out my card. That package was going nowhere until *I* paid the charge to have a truck come pick it up. By now those drones were starting to sound attractive, especially versus talking to UPS. The shipping instructions said PREPAID. They didn't say PREPAID except you have to go to a UPS location to drop it off. They also didn't say "you have to take off during work hours to go drop the package off." I was perfectly willing to give them my firstborn, but no....

Next time I have to call UPS, I'll save the trouble and call City Hall instead. Twice the pain in half the time, and no one will pick my package up anyway.

BUT WAIT!!!!

My company was not amused by this and rang UPS immediately. I got a phone number to get a refund immediately. The system gave me 3 choices, one of which it couldn't understand. Repeatedly. Eventually I continued in the system, reaching a Refund Person. Refund person took the details, said, Ohhhh" and had to send me somewhere else.  Of course she did - I needed a refund and went to the refund department - how stupid could I be? Off to Billing, where I got to hear the same jaunty two chords for about 10 minutes, while they hoped beyond hope that I got fed up and hung up. The mean time for holding is 8 minutes, per a study on this kind of thing, so they wait at least 10 before answering.

Another nice lady answered and asked for my tracking number: a 34 digit imaginary code, including the day of the week, week of the year, the employee's employee number and nostril size. This number should have transferred with my call, but industry studies say pretending it didn't got people to hang up faster, avoiding any refund and buffing up the bottom line. Oh dear... the tracking number isn't in the system yet.

Not in the system.
No.
You delivered it this morning.
Yes.
You picked it up yesterday.
Yes.
And charged me for the privilege.
Yes. Think of it as an Uber.
It was prepaid.
Well, you don't prepay Uber. It's the original shipper's responsibility to tell us to pick up the package. You get a preprinted label.
I got a prepaid label. It said prepaid.
I see.
No you don't. These people have shipped a few parcels - they know what they're doing.
You will have to wait until it's 'in the system' for a refund.
You didn't have any trouble charging me when it wasn't in the system.
A refund can't be processed until it's billed, which only happens on a full moon in Decemburary, weekly. You can then request a refund. Or do it online, where you can't hear us laughing at you directly.

the Suggestion Box

We have a suggestion box. It's actually done through the comments section, but never published. Here are some of the more meaningful, well thought out entries (and some off the cuff responses):

• split the IT news onto its own blog, so people don't have to read the other crap  Consider it penitence.
• if you write one more cute dog story, I will hunt you down and put you on Faceyspaces. I surrender!
• didja ever consider black text on a white background? didja ever consider poison?
• You don't use your real name so you can be nasty and obnoxious. Untrue - my real name is nasty and obnoxious too.
• why don't you ever write about nice stuff? why don't you ever stop complaining?
• why do you think you're so funny?  someone has to.
• why do you always complain about the weather? Because I finished complaining about everything else for the moment.
• you sound really paranoid. Come live in my house for a few days, then we'll see who's afraid the government is colluding with the ants to stop me from farting really loudly in public.

Dear lefty

• reader Janice Labia asks what's the point of having a junk drawer when they all become junk drawers?
• kinky sex.

WARNING: nice dog story

A Delaware family is alive today because of Greta. Greta is a German Shepherd the family rescued, dumped due to behavioral issues. At 3am, Greta went nuts, barking and whining, until Dad got up. He walked into the kitchen and discovered it was full of propane fumes. The entire house could have been lifted hundreds of feet in the air. Greta saved them.

The cause of the propane was one of the pets turning it on, trying to get somewhere. Our dearly departed can, Ren, did this. We had to pull the knobs off the stove so he wouldn't blow up the house.

Sometimes you rescue the dog. More often, the dog rescues you.

More animal news:

145 whales were found dead on the beach in New Zealand.

Dead sea lions are washing up on Puget Sound shores - with bullet holes.

The whales 'musta got lost and mass-stranded themselves.' Yeah, that's it - they mass-stranded themselves. They've been depressed for months.  Every pod has that whale.. we'll call him Bob. Bob thinks he knows the best way to get anywhere, even though his 'shortcuts' add 35 minutes to every trip. Bob screwed up royally and steered the entire pod onto the beach, while trying to get sushi.

As for the sea lions, they discovered something on the Clintons and committed mass suicide. With their flippers tied behind their backs.

• Elon Musk, of the Idaho Musks, announced he's going to Mars.
• I'm making a list of all the people I'd like to send with him.

At our southern border, the caravan of illegals is lobbing projectiles at Border Patrol agents. Only in America (or just south) will you see this happen. They don't seem to be in a hurry to settle in any of the other countries they've passed through - just the one with the best Free Stuff<tm>. Only in America would we get called racist for not welcoming the right people with open arms (and wallets). I'm going to guess that Canada will not open all their borders to this entitled group, but keep in mind - we are the racists here.

Nobody lines up at the Russian or Israeli border demanding to be let in and given Free Stuff<tm>. I'm not suggesting we do the things they did to discourage this behavior, but we should probably move a little in their direction.

The other group up in arms is the legal immigrants, who did everything according to the laws of the land. They worked hard to become citizens and demanded nothing. They learned English, which some immigrants feel they don't have to.  Why should entitled illegal aliens dictate the terms of their invasion/citizenship? I had to go through all sorts of paperwork when I immigrated (from Mars). Do you think it's a piece of cake? Have you ever experienced Saucer Lag?

Tijuana has declared a crisis as the illegals are getting attacked by Mexico's gangs. There have been protests against the presence of the caravan, which probably haven't been in the news. There's no gain in calling Mexicans racist.

Like him or not, you have to be impressed at the testicular fortitude shown by Trump. He sent troops and issued orders for lethal force, threatening to shut the border down entirely. I don't imagine too many other presidents would announce these actions: they're not politically correct, among other things. This will, of course, damage America's reputation further, as a Wild West being run by Adolph Hitler. Meanwhile, there have been no reports of other countries putting money into the Illegals Hat to help us vile racists out.  [restating: I did not vote for Trump and I am not a Trumper.]

The libertarians like open borders. I disagree with them on this.

• about these sex robots and robot brothels... Artificial Intelligence (AI - the latest buzzword) will allow us to be rejected by robots too. We're living in the future, people.... One model is programmed to have a 24/7 headache.

According to some random UK newspaper, HIV cases could explode, due to Tinder users having riskier sex. Because nothing says sensible and safe like seeing someone's picture on your phone and deciding to have sex with them. Tinder should send Morning After Packets, with the morning after pill, penicillin, antivirals, and wet naps. Plus some condoms.. you know... as a joke. 

• Sure I pick on the French - who doesn't? They are in Full Riot Mode due to a fuel tax. Stop and think about this... they're up in arms over a tax. In the US, we wouldn't notice it... we'd just turn the game up and continue posting cat pictures online.
• In the 60s, people vigorously protested The War. Now universities vigorously protest misgendering and microaggressions.
• Four students died in a protest in Ohio. Now, the brave children, hundreds strong, come together as one! (to demand that a speaker with different views not be allowed on campus).
• In the 60s, students did not want people in other countries to be murdered. In the 2010s, students would murder anyone who doesn't agree with them. 
• The 60s protesters eventually grew up and got jobs. The 2010s... they are in for a rude awakening...

England has a major crime wave on its hands. In the loud, prostitute-filled vacation town of Skegness, just yesterday, no fewer than five people said fuck. One person was found with a dull steak knife and faces life in prison. His wife was found with scissors and the police are in the middle of a four week investigation as to whether people should be allow to carry scissors without a concealed scissor permit. Every four months, there is an instance of scissor-related crime, which is now at epidemic proportions.

As if things weren't bad enough, a Birmingham man held up a bank. It's difficult to even say this.. with a piece of paper (shrieks!). He threatened to give paper cuts to the teller if she wouldn't give him everything in the till. The cruelty is beyond words. It was a tense, three hour standoff, because the police don't have any weapons available against a man threatening paper cuts. The Ministry of Defence has gotten an additional $4 billion pounds ($1.75 lbs American) to research and develop anti-paper cut strategies).

Police in Manchester are doing a door-to-door search of a block of flats because somebody went on the internet and called someone doodyhead. This is a serious breach of the anti-free-speech laws and just ruins everybody's good time on the internet. An entire construction crew was thrown in the pokey after a police informant observed them 'watching lasciviously as a woman walked by'. The crew is proclaiming their innocence by stating they didn't say a thing or make a noise. Yeah, boys, we know what you were thinking. That sort of thing is illegal in the UK.

Finally, a Lower super Mud woman was arrested for breach of the peace after she waved too loudly at her friend. Someone might be offended at the way she waved. We can't have all sorts of people waving willy nilly around here. The country is going to hell. This is why we have laws.

On a lighter note, taking advantage of understaffed, overworked police departments, someone stole all the Queen's jewels, raided the treasury, burned Parliament's powdered wigs, and stole all the men's bras and panties. Good thing they didn't say fuck.


p.s. why does the spellchecker pass willy, but not nilly?




NEWS YOU CAN'T USE

• Data transfers from EU to the UK could become complicated post-Brexit
• So could blowjobs.

Remember when you have to go through a CAPTCHA to get to a web site?

I get all sorts of denials for all sorts of reasons. Users of TOR are CAPTCHA'd or flat out denied access to sites. Linux users can't get in because they're not using Internet Explorer. Today's denial was the best: The owner of this website (www.darkreading.com) has banned your access based on your browser's signature (47fd97022edac5fa-fie1). My browser's signature is only slightly more legible than mine. What the owner did was to ban use of Pale Moon - a browser based on Firefox. Is he afraid my browser will bring down the entire site? Date his wife? Force a paternity test on Jerry Springer? 

Dear lefty

• Michael Coffetable, from Peoria, asks if the mass hysteria/hilarity of this blog is masking deeper negative feelings.
• Dear PeeOria: Fuck you and your entire family.

Sheryl Sandburg, Faceyspaces' High Muckety Muck, is under fire for her management style and ideas. She tried to manage the perception of each issue, as opposed to fixing the problem. I can't imagine why she's in trouble - this is the M.O. of every CEO in the world.

Faceyspaces is appealing its $644,000 fine for failing to protect UK users, when it gave their information out to app developers without permission. Faceyspaces is appealing on the basis that 'it's just not fair' to them:  it sets a very bad precedent, in that they could be sued by anybody who wanted to sue them. Do we want to live in that kind of world?

• Shop online like a security pro, courtesy of Brian Krebs 

Dolce and Gabbana, the online leader in Teledildonics (remote control sexual gratification devices), is in Deep Doodoo for anti-Chinese slurs around an ad campaign. Shmuel Gabbana, Marketing head, said their account was hacked. In fact every board member's account was hacked. This is the M.O. of corporations - every time you do something stupid, say you got hacked. The truth is that they were hacked - by the Chinese, who were pissed they didn't get the contract.

• Of course our darling dog has some health issues, as we heard during her first trip to the vet. She was treated as a celebrity for some reason.  Of course she has meds. And of course, the staff told Wife that the meds are tasteless, but they know she will verify this when she tastes it herself.
• What else the vet staff know that I don't know?

In a fantastic feat of science, Earth landed a ship on Mars, to study the deep interior. 

I can't wait for the results to start trickling in. We Martians are born with a wicked sense of humor, and we're ready to start pranking the hell out of them. The first thing they'll discover is Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-32 Explosive Space Modulator. As they probe the center of the planet, they will start to hear Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven over and over again (just like classic rock radio).  The unmanned ship will finally leave the planet because it keeps getting blown 100' into the air at random intervals. We blew up the last two Earth probes with the Miley Cyrus Death Ray. With any luck, Earth won't send nuclear missiles to blow Mars up, like they did their own moon. 

• FOR SALE: Robert Plant's Pictures at Eleven -first solo record, bought the day it came out (6/28/92). Record is in Excellent Condition, cover in Poor Condition (missing most of the upper right corner because Dog just ate it).

• FREE to a good home:  I'll stop right here.