Remember This In Case You Forget It

Your love is like  dog farts

• Khloe Khardashian had a rare tumor removed from her face. Now you can't see anything above her neck.

Today I identify as   Spam.  SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM. Lovely Spam. Wonderful Spam.

Scientists believe existence of party drugs in space points to proof of aliens

No, really.

The problem is that what they're referring to as party drugs is nitrous oxide. I've used nitrous, but only at the dentist's office. It did a great job of calming me down. But let's put that aside for a moment... what would make finding a gas in space prove aliens? Are there any dentists in space? I sure hope they don't find mowers in space - that could easily point to the existence of huge, invisible rhinocerouses. There's an awful lot of vacuum in space. This could lead scientists to argue that the aliens use vacuum tubes or that they like to keep a clean planet. Most of all, there's a lot of dirt out there, mostly orbiting the planet. Maybe we could get some of that space vacuum to help. Obviously the large pink aliens are good with vacuums. What, you've never seen large pink aliens? Try some nitrous oxide.

Philadelphia was named one of the most foul-mouthed cities in America.

Can you fscking imagine the nerve of those shits?

The article I read did not mention the friggin criteria by which those bastards judged the cities.

 

Saudi women reject stigma to embrace pole dancing

NOW we're getting somewhere, only 20 years behind the US.

 You will be surprised to note that not everyone in Saudi Arabia thinks this is a good idea. One prince said to his friend, "I told you this would happen after we allowed them to have drivers licenses. But we better keep an eye on this. Just to make sure there's nothing illegal happening. No other reason. At all."

TICKETMASTER MUST DIE

Once again I attempted a very silly, dangerous, and arduous task: ordering tickets.

Historically, this has never gone well. No part of the process is easy or just works. Each step involves more pain. I have to be tranquilized long before I start, and I'm completely out of tranquilizer. I just want to buy tickets. From when I was little, I bought tickets. The only problem I ever had was not being able to afford good seats. Since it went online, it all went to hell. Judging by the amount of seats already purchased, someone must have passed the strenuous tests required by Ticketmaster, but I can't imagine it.

Ticketmaster used to come out with sniper teams to shoot the ticket scalpers. Now apparently they've learned to cooperate. All the seats left are from 'verified resellers.' And they want $870.00 for the first rows. WHAT IS THIS? It's Jeff Friggin' Beck and Johnny Depp, not Led Zeppelin reforming. I sincerely hope they get stuck with them. Moving back a bit, row P seats are $200 and row Q are $120, depending on whether you want center, right, left, hanging from the rafters, or operating the mixing board. I'm ok with the mixer, but Wife never mixed before. There are a few seats left in Q, so I pick out the row, but Ticketmaster will let us know which two seats. We need to sit close to the aisle, but no problem... Ticketmaster knows best.

Then they want all the credit card info. It takes a while, so Ticketmaster lets me know this is no big deal by flashing a BRIGHT RED popup, telling me to HURRY UP - THE SEATS MIGHT GO WHILE YOU'RE TYPING. Then they want to verify me. The problem is they want to verify me by sending a text to my phone. It's a friggin LANDLINE. I changed it to my cell, and felt verified. 

We got to the final charge, which included FORTY SIX DOLLARS in service fees. It's a small wonder artists are getting pissed at Ticketmaster. But wait - there's another few dollars in processing fees. So not only are the artists pissed, but the fans are ready to tear their throats out. Or anybody's throats, for that matter.  

I am not happy. Really really not happy. Not happier than normal by a large factor.

You know it's not over yet, right? Of course you do - this is me we're talking about. I'm Captain Weird! I don't have normal problems. I clicked PAY, figuring I was all done. HA!  There was an additional verification. I think they just want to see how many people will put up with their crap. The really amusing, and when I say amusing, I mean INFURIATING MURDEROUS, part is that it wants to call my landline, which I removed from the account. There is no way to fix this. Thinking on my feet (I normally think on my pancreas) I ran and grabbed a phone to plug into the landline, because our wireless phone broke. Two complete handsets broke. I was out of my mind. The police were getting calls. I was practicing my Madman Vocabulary at high volume. Naturally this triggered the dog, who started barking at me. EVERY TIME I tried to say something to Wife, the dog barked. After three tries, I completely lost it and went Pete Townshend on the phone, grabbing it by the wire and slamming it repeatedly into the wall. So now there was absolutely no way to verify the purchase over the phone. The good news is that we're saving a hell of a lot of money. The bad news is that we're not seeing Jeff Beck. Wife gets the same results, so it's not just me.

The last time I tried buying tickets at the box office, there was a BOX OFFICE FEE. It's not that I can't afford it, it's the principle. They have done nothing to add value to the ticket, but Ticketmaster and the box office seem to think that simply selling a ticket is worth a ridiculous addon fee.

So I've barely calmed down enough to type this. Although I can type 100wpm, half of them are mistakes. Making mistakes at this moment, without tranquilization, is not a good thing. Fortunately the police recognized my address and knew it was ok to not stop by. There was no glass shattered in any window on the block, so we're ok. I have stopped showing off my vocabulary and thinking of ways to assist Ticketmaster in their quest to put themselves out of business. More or less. The dog and the wife have fled to a different floor, so at least one of them isn't trying to talk over me. Unfortunately this puts quite a damper on dinner.

Is this tale over? What - are you fuggin kidding me? While out today, we bought the new Jeff/Johnny CD. While unpacking our purchases, I discovered the CD is nowhere to be found.  It's almost like somebody doesn't want us to see (or hear) Jeff Beck. 

The Next Day 

Mrs. lefty gives it a try. She uses her phone, with no complicated browser restrictions. As she speaks out loud, I can already feel my blood pressure going up. Ticketmaster takes forever to find the concert. When it comes up, there are a choice of them. Click and POOF - blank page. She asked me to try, even remembering the poor telephone that still lay in pieces, as a reminder to Ticketmaster. I got the same blank page. Ticketmaster is a blank page. And they more than likely own the resellers whose tickets appear on their site. I believe the reseller tickets are somewhat cheaper than the Ticketmaster. I was all excited because there were addons. I want Jeff to sign my guitar. I was close - the addon was parking. 

We were thinking of staying home because of the Depp-acle. It will look like a John Mayer concert, with huge signs and fainting fans. Maybe a judge and some lawyers too. At the end of the show, they will declare him not guilty. Poor Jeff. But it IS their album.

We decided to try another way, via the resellers directly. We found seats and only mildly userous prices, then they tacked on a $60 service fee. One place wouldn't even tell you what the fees were until you paid. I believe these were the Ticketmaster-owned resellers, so there was no big surprise. StubHub had seats and charged a reasonable fee, so we went with them. 

First I had to transfer them via Ticketmaster. Uh-oh. And shockingly, it failed. Notice what just worked and what just failed. Eventually the Great Satan came around. When I went to print, my printer spat out one ticket, then choked on the second. Troubleshooting is fun because there's only a blinking light telling me something's wrong. No jams. So I turned it off and turned it on again and it printed. Perhaps it likes being cycled. I don't. I have never had so much trouble getting tickets (since the last Ticketmaster buy). Every. Step. Frought. With. Misery.

So I have tickets, times, and directions. Maybe even some barbecue. We gonna see JEFF BECK. In New Jersey, with Johnny Depp, but still. It will be better than the Loud Hailer tour, where the chick shouted into a megaphone. 

After one of the recent Amazon warehouse fires, staff declared a strike.  

After the strike, Amazon declared a firing. 80 were jettisoned.

Rather than actually doing anything about the warehouses, Amazon is suing the state that criticized warehouse safety. Amazon is, very quietly, bringing in Elon Musk to examine the warehouses' propensity to spontaneously combust, like his cars. They figure if anyone knows about spontaneous combustion, it's Musk. Meanwhile, Amazon has released this statement to its employees: GET BACK TO WORK. You could be number 81.

Speaking of Musk, 160,000 customers are running Tesla's Full Self Driving beta.

The customers are the beta testers. It's like Windows!

An NYU organic chemistry professor has been terminated for tough grading.

UC Berkeley is on strike in sympathy. A press release stated that this was a good first step in marginalizing education. Chemistry can be replaced with something important, like Protesting 101. Are there any Jews at NYU? They'll have to go.

Very little has been made of Kamila's statement that aid for Florida would go to minorities first. 

I guess the press just forgot.

Today was another sad day in the ThermonicEmissions household: I had to mow again.

I'm sure the new neighbors appreciated it, but the main point was that I didn't. My only hope is that it will stop growing because it's getting cold. The power assist was very handy up hills (and over small children and squirrels). Then, of course, it's the raking. This is why I need to be very wealthy. Ok?

In other news, the Penny Bowl was scored like this:

DOG 2     Mice 0

DOG 1     Bird 0

Penny did not enjoy the home field advantage. Hopefully this will put an end to local sports.

The dog is napping. I am not. This goes to show the imbalance in the house.

REPARATIONS!

When I got out of bed, it was cold. This is a new and unwanted experience. It took me a while to remember that when I'm cold, it's time to go outside, where it's warm. Then I get yelled at by the neighbors for letting all the cold out.

When I got done mowing, I was hot. Sweating. This is not a normal state for me. I'm surprised Wife recognized me, but I kid; she was still sleeping, and dog was keeping her safe. From what, we do not know... maybe Ticketmaster. Or UC Berkeley.... there are Jews in the family. So after having imbibed some grapefruit soda and Yoo Hoo, I assumed my default stance; sitting. In the formerly cold room, I turned the fan on to cool down. There was some kind of strange liquid falling down my forehead. The dog likes to lick my forehead before we go to bed. Nobody knows why. She doesn't lick Wife's forehead - just mine. Perhaps it's garlic or hot spices... I'm an honorary Italian. And an honorary lesbian. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's Single Personality Disorder.  It didn't take long to realize I wasn't getting any benefit from the 24" industrial fan, only 15' (30 liters Canadian) away. Being the reluctant troubleshooter I am, I set to work. Mind you, after mowing, I felt I had already set to work, so I set to work, grumbling about already having set to work. It didn't take long to find the culprit: it was the 1974 Camaro in the dining room, which had moved between the fan and me. I just assumed it would stay where it was when it first appeared. It only took three days to become part of the house, therefore invisible. We spent some time trying to decide if it was good or bad that it had decided to move, and if it had achieved sentience (which it obviously had), or some joker moved it while I was out mowing. Dog doesn't have much of a sense of humor, Wife was sleeping. This would indicate a third party.

I moved the fan, because it was easier than moving the Camaro. Once I had it pointed at me, I re-sat to ponder the motion of the car. Sherlock Holmes said that when you remove some of the stuff, what's left is the answer (that may not be a direct quote). So the car achieved sentience and moved itself. How it moved itself vertically is another question entirely, as cars are know for motion strictly in the horizontal plane (unless they're dragsters in a spectacular upending crash, but we don't have the room for that inside, nor the boffo Start lights). It's the day after The Great Mowing and the Camaro is still where it originally blocked the fan, so I'm ok with it; unless it tries to sit on the couch. I will defend the couch with my life. On the other hand, it would neatly disassemble the couch, but we'd have to find another one quickly, and it's not a simple or quick process. 

While at the mall this past weekend,  I met a kindred soul at the candy store. Man, this place was a trip down memory lane, with all the candy I used to eat as a (littler) kid. We commiserated on how automakers don't make Real Cars<tm> anymore. No bench seats for the dog. No 8 cylinder engines. No families of 9 sitting comfortably in the rear seat (or the trunk). No really sweet ride anymore. No curved lines, making all new cars look like Volkswagen Beetles stretched out.  But we did get lots of candy. Warning: anything described as HOT isn't. Except hot cinnamon Jelly Bellies, but they cost more than heroin per pound. A little known fact it that smart economists realize the economy is tied to Jelly Bellies. The more purchased, the better things are. When the hot ones sell well, look out!

So we're left with a sentient 1974 Camaro. While the Corvettes were cooler-looking, the Camaros were more comfortable. If the car has evolved speech, we will have to discuss getting on the road. Unfortunately in this state, anything over 20-25 years requires an antique tag (!) and can only be driven a certain amount of miles per year. If there were libertarians in state office, this wouldn't be a problem. Imagine letting a state tell you what you can and cannot drive. We'd ride illegally, because that's just the way we roll. Outlaws. I'd get a leather vest and some sort of bandana to put on my head (which would also hide the expanding lack of hair). I guess the car feels safe in the dining room, so I have no complaints. People tell me my house feels safe. This is in spite of the way it looks. It was decorated by the most recent tornado to touch ground.

Speaking of tornadoes, we stopped at a far away donut place. We were pleasantly surprised because we're used to Dunkin, which are a bit paltry, to be polite. These donuts can be thrown through windows, they're so dense and filled with good stuff. I ate one yesterday. It was lovely, but way too filling. I made a mental note, on one of those internal yellow sticky pads, which always seem to get lost on the internal desk, to avoid the donuts. HOWEVER, the donuts are still there, calling to me. Intellectually I know if I eat one, it will fill me up too much. But they're calling to me. I feel like Homer Simpson.

Ooh, donut. Yum.

Oh. Heavy. Stomach hurts.

Ooh, donut. Yum.

If you listen closely to this blog, you can hear them calling.

Maybe if I wash them down with coffee, everything will be different.

How could one possibly avoid a donut called Chocolate Thunder?

I'd wind up sitting there, on the couch, hoping the fan wasn't obstructed by automobiles, or anything else.

• High school was hell for me, but not for the reasons you think. It was mainly English classes, where I'd literally horrify the teachers by producing prose such as this. And quoting Zappa lyrics. One teacher had to take mental health leave after that. 
• I used to feel like that after Shakespeare. I know exactly one person who understands Shakespeare. I'd look at the book and wonder what language it was in. I passed English because I was a Grammar Nazi, not because I could read the alleged literature. I passed Science befcause I understood it, not because I dissected frogs. I gave the teacher the choice of picking me up off the floor, or letting me pass because I understood science. He took the wise option. I have no idea how I passed gym. Probably because I showed up. For the torture. 

The Prince and Princess of Wales (William and Kate) took over a British radio station to host a mental health special. 

Because no one knows about the trials and instabilities of the common man like a Prince or Princess.

William: Prince of Wales here.

Caller: Am I on the air?

William: Yes you are. I'm William. How can I help?

Caller: I'm hearing you twice.

William: Turn off your radio, you twat.

Caller: isn't that typical of a royal

William: I'm very sorry. How can we help you?

Caller: I get a lot of headaches when I beat my wife.

William: Kate?

Kate: Don't beat your wife.

Caller: I never thought of that. Thank you, ma'am.

Next Caller: I'm really worried about a financial collapse in the colonies.

William: You should contact that whore, Meghan. She knows all about collapses.

Kate: I'm so sorry, but we must jet off now. We're going to wear silly hats for poor children in Nambia.

William: Zambia.

Kate: Nambia, Zambia, what's the fscking difference?

Host: We'd like to thank the Prince and Princess for taking over the station and their emminent wisdom on the topic of mental health. Please tune in next weekend when King Chuck will be here to talk about the finances of the average and the poor.

A teenaged boy was shot multiple times outside of a San Antonio, Texas, McDonald's. The officer, who has been fired, stated that the boy was eating the burger "in a threatening manner".

The entire Uvalde school police force was jettisoned last week. A good guess was the way they stood there for 70+ minutes while Cruz was inside, shooting away.

I wasn't there and don't know much about police operations, but I wonder if this is something that should be dealt with at the top. The boss was already fired. Can a new boss effectively get the existing force into shape? Or is this something that had to be done for PR?  Not to worry, the school is being covered via a different police force. 

Ketamine reduces depression symptoms within hours. Here’s how the psychedelic drug works so fast

It's actively being used against treatment-resistent depression. This is a great sign. It's definitely better than ECT (shock therapy). I think we still have very little idea how depression works, but if something works, without turning you green or spitting out your pancreas, it's good. Hopefully it can also be used on people with bipolar disorder, who can't use certain antidepressants (SSRI, for one). 

Derrell Brooks ran down many people in Waukausha, Wisconsin, at a parade. 6 died, many more injured. I have a macabre question that has not been asked: if he was on a mowing spree, why didn't he drive down the center of the street, where he could have killed so many more? He drove off to the side. Even one murder is too many, but I'd like the question answered, Your Honor. Brooks is representing himself, which is never a smart idea. 

Further on Kanye's antisemitic rants: I'm going to take my normal stand against "Hate Speech." There IS no hate speech, only speech, whether you like it or not. Instead of being banned, it needs to be kept in the light, where it can be seen and monitored. Howard Stern had the KKK Guy on for a while, and he served to bring the organization into the light for all of Howard's listeners. Howard made him explain his stances. The guy was particularly upset about Robin, who is black. Like most humans who are in frequent contact, he did ok with her.  So let Kanye rant - it's good where we can see it. We can then act accordingly. Plus it might keep the ADL quiet, if that's possible. 

Last time I watched a police-type show, they were looking for a lady, so they checked for her car. They found the car, via satellite radio. Read it again: satellite radio. They were able to track the signal and locate her car. It's also possible via On-Star-like services. And your phone. Keep that in mind. Not that you're doin ganything wrong, just that you're supposed to be free of tracking.

Food Shopping antics 

Lunchmeat went up to $18/lb, but that was IF you could find it. They order and the supplier 'forgets' to show up or drops off way less. The trashcan looked nice, but not $75 nice. WTF is going on here? It's like we're going backwards, only with higher prices. $11 tub of butter substitute. A case of Coke was $7.50 - I mainline this stuff - might as well go back to crack. Just keeping you in the loop.

We Need to Have a Talk. About Your Pancreas.

To my readers:
Happy Whatever
Put the Flying Spaghetti Monster back in Christmas

Be with family and friends.
Exchange good will.
Drink.
Eat.
Be merry. If you can't be merry, be miserable.
Get drunk.
Curse members of your family.
Remember: it's always darkest before the lights go out completely.
Don't forget, kids: xmas is one of the most depressing times of the year.


And if you're feeling particularly miserably depressed, reach out.





Why is there glitter on my keyboard?
I'm the only one who uses it.
I don't own any glitter.


As happens on most days, I'm sitting there, minding my own business at work, when a meeting pops up. This isn't anywhere near as bad as most places... my boss grew up as a tech, so meetings are short, informative, and to the point. However, and there's always a however, non-boss meetings do not conform to that style. They're virtual, so we have to sit there, nodding our heads, while the lights blink and we sing songs of loyalty to our employer.

No, wait, I mean we sit there, noting some sound is coming out of the speaker, and do something productive. Yeah, that's it - productive. Then we check the speaker again, to make sure no one said our name or we don't need to go THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH!

Naturally this was one of the second kind of meetings.
This job is just slightly weird. This is a grave improvement over most of my other jobs, especially the Twilight Zone<tm>, where each meeting existed solely to go over the last meeting, then schedule the next one. This place doesn't like meetings quite that much, but there are still too many; like flu shots or appendectomies.

Last month's meeting was to go over documentation. Did you know that there's a Format<tm> for documentation? Not only is there a format, there's a person. You put together the documentation, send it to her, she marks the incorrect bits in red and returns it to you to fix. So there I was, with a document all in red, even though I had followed the 234 page Style Guide. I thought it was some sort of test... I had the brilliant idea to document something for the next people to get hired, and they 'subtly' discouraged me by telling me it was all wrong. It turns out I was right. No matter how correct the document is, they like to bounce it back to you a few times.

Along those lines, this meeting was also about documentation, but not as specifically. This was about access for people with (visual?) difficulties. A Very Serious Lady talked for several hours (no, wait, it was just one hour that felt like several hours), with a Very Serious Voice, about how our documentation, emails, and anything else has to be for any possibly otherly-sighted coworkers. I'm looking around to see if anyone else is laughing with tears in their eyes because someone's pulling a joke, but alas, no. This place lacks a sense of humor.

The Serious Lady made points about type points, type fonts, graphics, and never publish in pencil- crayon is still the default. Most shocking was the list of things we shouldn't do: underline, fonts below 37.5 points, color, type while not sitting in an ergonomically correct chair, typing on a Monday, and the greatest sin of all: italics. I sat there, looking shocked, when it hit me: this total absurdity is actually part of the meeting format: say completely bizarre things and people will stop Faceyspaces surfing because they're filled with horror. They will actually tune IN because they can't believe what they just heard. Did she really say italics? Are my emails going to have to be in crayon too? What's the font we have to use on Monday, and what happens if there's a holiday on Monday?

Toward the end of the meeting, she was telling us why fonts are important and which bits of them give people trouble. An idea occurred to me.. there are fonts specifically for dyslexic people. I'm sure no one knows about them and they are not the required fonts for the other differently-abled people. If I asked the question, would the entire panel explode? Because I was in that mood.

• Ketamine is showing promise against depression. Sorta.

Dear lefty:

• Why does your wife do all the food shopping?
• Because she's tired of eating ice cream, soda, and candy bars every day.

There's this show that someone told me to watch. It's about aliens, so naturally it was on the History channel. I remember this in great detail, but of course I can't remember what it was called. No.. wait.. Alien Highway (I think).

At some point, there was a guy who might have had an experience with something in the past. They brought in a hypnotist, who put the guy under. Apparently this poor man took a ride with some short gray beings, which he filed away somewhere because it terrified him. While this is going on, the investigators are in the next room, asking if they should pull the guy out of hypno because he's really upset. Because these guys know better than the hypnotist, who does this for a living.

One of the main investigators was a young lady who was a Ghostbuster in her last show. When the men are out, in the cold, hunting aliens, she was in the basement, running around with her Ghostometer, asking if extraterrestrials where there. Fortunately she didn't have to learn too many lines, because on Ghostbusters, she ran around with her Ghostometer, asking if ghosts were there.  It was pretty funny when the guys were running around in the snow. They set up a trail cam and an alarm cam. When they went back to check them, the trail cam's strap had a huge twig in it and was missing a battery. The alarm cam was pointed in the other direction from where they left it. One guy looked puzzled and the other put on his best Serious Look.

The truth about this is that are all sorts of aliens: grays, reptilians, and congress. There are also the little known Joker Aliens. These guys are very smart and able to look just like any of the other aliens, humans, or the 1980s American Motors Pacer. Their thing is traveling around, messing with ufo investigators. It's about all they do after discovering free energy. All their needs are met, they got bored, and now they trawl the universe(s), messing with investigators and other aliens.  Earth is one of their favorite targets, with a population of paranoids, a dollop of deniers, and a government that wouldn't admit that it's light out during the day.

One of their favorite gags was cattle mutilation.
"Hey, I got it.. let's do weird shit to those cow-things. We'll exsanguinate, tear off random bits, and get this - core out their anus!" [mass laughter - especially the anus] "We'll turn off our invisibility shield and make sure they can see us, so they think it's the grays. For good measure, we'll put a cow in the tractor beam, so one poor farmhand, who speaks little English, gets to watch it rise. Then he'll try, desperately, to relate this to the farmer and the police."  [more laughter]

"Wait - I got another one..... we'll dress up as grays, abduct them from their bedrooms, then do silly things to them, under the guise of physical examinations. When we snatch them, we put everyone else in stasis, so no one believes they were abducted."

"Anus. Anus. ANUS. ANUS..." went the chant.

"Why is it always the anus with you guys?"

"Remember Clinton?"  [more laughter]

"Ok, anus. We'll probe their anus. With a special tool Bob made out of a wooden spoon and some tin foil. When they wake up, we start making bleeping noises and throw our voices so they think we're talking in their head. When we get them back, no one will believe them. And they'll blame the grays. That will teach those short little bastards to date our sisters."  [applause]

"Tell us about this Men in Black thing you were thinking about."

"Ok, well, after the 'abduction', the police show up. After the police, we send three dudes in black suits, all looking alike and official, to tell them to keep their mouths shut. Then we steal some silverware and get out. This way everybody blames the government, which couldn't possibly know who got taken or visited."

"Wasn't there more?"

"Oh yeah, we keep visible, so the jets and helicopters will chase us. Naturally we'll leave them in the dust, then disappear."  [applause]

"Remember the royal family - that was hysterical!" [crowd falls over]

"That was a good one. We took video of them and added a tiny little segment where they turned into reptilians. Of course WE were the reptilians." [standing ovation]

"I know everyone's off duty tonight, but you're all invited to the main deck, cuz we're gonna buzz the White House again. Anyone in?"  [all hands go up] "They spent 50 years denying it after the last time we did it. This time we're going to get the banner that says WE'RE ALIENS, STUPID and hang it from the tail of the ship."  [no more... we can't breathe!!!!]


[why do people think I have too much time on my hands?]



Today I identify as an old glove compartment key, way back when they were separate from the ignition key.

• Dear Mandarin Phone Spammers/Scammers: you might get more hits if you try English. My Mandarin is rusty.
• I'm about to go to a whitelist-only phone system, where all calls are rejected by default. Since about 7 people have my number, I won't ever have to worry about it ringing again.

How about those wacky feds?
They got a warrant for 1,500 phones within a certain area, to work on an arson case.  I'd be shocked, but the only shocking thing is that they got a warrant first. Google defends itself by saying it only gives out info when asked by law enforcement.  In the meantime, turn off your location services, and possibly your phone.

• Boeing is thinking about suspending production of its 737 Max, due to their propensity to stop flying in midair.
• On the positive side, Boeing will introduce the 738 Max.

Boeing 7378

A man from country X commits rape. The identitarian right blames all people from country X, and the identitarian left blames all men. Identity politics is poison  - twitter

Do you enjoy arguing with people on social media?
Of course you do - that's how everyone communicates on social media.
I've just spent a few weeks, on a few services, discussing Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder) with 'experts'. All of them told me DID doesn't exist. Alrighty then. They gave all sorts of scientific-sounding reasons why it didn't exist. Alrighty then again. One of my favorites is that the patients are faking it and/or attention-seeking. With the last estimate at about 1 million people with DID, that's an awful lot of attention seekers.

Another is that the therapists led the patients. It's possible that some did, maybe a long time ago, but let's be serious... It's been in the psych disorders manual (DSM) for the last 2 volumes. It's being treated all over the world. The CIA admitted it created Manchurian Candidates (multiples) for spying after they got caught and had to appear before Congress. There are entire facilities to treat DID (or there were - insurance is a bitch).

The 'experts' pelted me with their scientific proof.
I deliberately kept my mouth shut to see how far they'd go.

My wife has DID.
I know many people who have DID - there are at least 5 in my area of the city. There's still a lot of broken people running around the US and Toronto because that's where the CIA did their torture experiments. There are support groups for DID. There are support groups for significant others of DID.

Are you seriously going to tell me my wife's faking a disorder she had no knowledge of? Or that she's attention-seeking? Or that a number of docs who diagnosed her were wrong? That she's not losing time? That there aren't times when things get done that she didn't do? That random people don't 'pop out' and talk? Or that her main therapist was not only wrong, but she led my wife to have the disorder?  Ooh, sorry - I was there. She led nothing. Her first doc said he didn't believe in DID. He had to change his mind when she was getting better with DID therapy.

When I told my wife they didn't believe in DID, she suggested they spend a week at our house. This is one of the reasons I married her.

Speaking of the professionals, people who are allegedly faking DID cannot possibly do some of the things people with DID do. My wife went to the optometrist and asked about colored contact lenses. The doctor said probably not, as her eyes changed color 8 times. The alters have different voices, different genders, different gaits, and different abilities/disabilities. In some cases, one alter may know a foreign language that no one ever learned. Would this be possible if people were faking it?

Someone please save us from the 'professionals.' I shouldn't have to argue with them online. I am not in the psych field, I have no degrees or college education, and I pass out at the sight of blood. All I am is a guy who tried like hell to advocate for his wife (and others) for over 25 years. 

• Do you use Firefox? I do.  Here's 15 keyboard shortcuts to speed up your tasks

Mice watching film noir prompted a study.
Neurons didn't respond reliably.
Thus proving mice are immune to film noir, and therefore, superior.
They're in charge too (of life.. the universe... and everything).

• JBL's new solar-powered headphones promise 'virtually unlimited' battery life.
• The disclaimer states that this does not apply in Philadelphia, because the sun rarely shines.
• This also applies to sun roofs and solar lighting in Philly.

Best headline: IBM tailors Swift relationship....

Heroes of the Stupid

In El Paso, Texas, an older male kidnapped 79 people to anally probe them, while disguised as an alien.




SJW Dribblings

I'm always shocked at white people's ability to nonchalantly walk in the rain like it's not raining. But I guess when you've bathed in bloodshed for centuries, a little water doesn't change much.   - Lor on Twitter

British tech workers propose a fine or jail for anyone calling them boffins, geeks, or eggheads. It's Hate Speech!

I Have Plenty of Hair - Just Look in the Drain

Life is Python.
Python is Life.

I just caught a really good documentary on Monty Python, covering the lead up to their O2 appearance. One of the points they hammered at (and got hammered on) is their age; constantly referred to as septuagenarian, or 70s, in French. Well, they certainly looked older, but consider that the shows started in the late 60s. They're certainly going to have gray hair and other normal issues related to age. Graham Chapman had the ultimate issue related to age: he's dead (although technically it was related to illness).

They covered what the Pythons had been up to, Eric Idle taking the reins of leadership for the appearance, and rehearsals, which some couldn't make due to prior commitments. Putting on a show of this magnitude required an immense effort, from Eric to dancers to props. There was a scene where Eric was driving through his 'hood in L.A., headed off to a storage unit. There he found a picture of the first time he met George Harrison, some gold records, and finally, the albatross he was after.

The following day I watched a relatively recent Deep Purple concert, noting that our classic rock heroes are getting up there. Jeff Beck and the Zeppelins are all septuagenarians. Contrasted with the Pythons, the rockers are still relatively young, hair dye aside.

What have we learned?
That rock and roll keeps you young and that if you put mayonnaise on corn on the cob, I will lose my previous meal upon your person.

• In a survey, half of Americans don't want self-driving cars. Of course they don't want self-driving cars - they crash. They're not ready for prime time.
• Maybe some Americans aren't as stupid as they look.

Turkish protesters took sledgehammers, handguns, and fire to iPhones.
Why? Do the Turks feel like I do about iDevices?
No, they're protesting Donald Trump's administration.

I call on you, readers of this blog, to follow the brave example of the Turks and take sledgehammers, handguns, and fire to iPhones, to protest President Trump's failure to jail Hillary Clinton. If you're unwilling to destroy your own $1,000 property, maim someone else's. If that fails, join my other protest: we're burning old, broken printers to protest Turkey's protest. We'll show them.

• I'm seeing commercials for a tv show called Born This Way, about people born with Down Syndrome. Could someone please explain the attraction of the show and its high ratings? Disclosure: I haven't watched the show, as the commercials provided nothing of interest for me. There are enough disabilities around me - why watch them on tv?

A 41 year old Iraq vet suffered from PTSD, attempting suicide five times after his 2009 discharge. The medicines he was prescribed left him with side effects and he still felt suicidal. He participated in a clinical trial of MDMA (ecstasy/molly), and within a few doses, he wasn't suicidal.

I'm glad the soldier got some help. Our veterans are sometimes treated like collateral damage. This is because Lockheed Martin doesn't build soldiers. Make no mistake - Iraq, Afghanistan and many other wars are unnecessary, but if these men and women served, they deserve the best we can provide. The president has made VA reform a high priority: I hope he succeeds.

Incidentally, ketamine (vitamin K, animal tranquilizer, party drug) is being used to treat depression. War on drugs my ass. Just wait til the drug companies start to sell these.... all of the sudden they will become Miracle Cures.

• The Powers That Be in dog rescue have indicated they're still looking for a dog for us. If you know of an American or English cocker in the Philly area, please get in touch. We're looking for a young adult who's not insane and has no issues.

My favorite religious skewer is the satanists. It would almost seem that they were put together to defend freedom of religion. Little Rock, Arkansas, has unveiled an eight foot state of Baphomet at the Arkansas state capitol.  How did this happen? The legislators approved a Ten Commandments monument. The satanists insisted on inclusion for the sake of plurality and got what they were asking.

Much as I love the point and the apoplexy it caused, I'm coming out against pluralism, satan or not. #1A is about the State not having anything to do with religion. In this case, 'plurality' is a sneaky end-around, in order to get one group's religious symbol put up. 

What would Attorney lefty, Constitutional non-scholar and not-noted libertarian, recommend? The removal of all religious iconography. Require the virtue-signalling legislators to take a Constitution 101 course. Require they view a presentation on satanism. Then send them back to their overstuffed office chairs and have them practice minimal government. 

The nerve of these Bubbas is astounding.

Naturally, Little Rock's Great Unwashed is marching in lock step, mounting a protest against the satanist statue. Because their religion should get preference over freedom of religion. Also because there are no other problems in the state.

• It's 7am. I'm technically awake, and there's an ungodly noise coming through the windows: it's heavy equipment. Equipment so heavy, it sounds like someone doing construction on a highway. This is the loudest noise to grace our street since the 757 landed in our driveway. The neighbor is already busy cutting grass. She doesn't push the mower - it moves away in fear. She's been at it for over an hour... I think she's going blade by blade.
• Ancient astronaut theorists believe the neighbors are building survival complexes, seven stories deep. Or maybe the neighborhood is a CIA front. Except for my house, of course: we're a front for the city garbage inspectors.

Meanwhile back at the airport

"I'm going to need to see your porn, please," said the customs agent at the airport. 

Excuse me?

"I need to look at the porn on your laptop."

Why would you possibly want to look at my porn? How do you know I have any?

"Sir, I'm specially trained to detect porn and see if it's the kind of porn which violates our laws."

How do you know I have any porn that violates your laws?

"I don't. That's why I have to review all of it. No telling where you might hide it.  Please sit over there. A few colleagues will assist me to make this process faster. I'll be back in a few hours."

• Phew.. it's been a long but productive day: I finally got Word 2016 to open in draft view. I'm beat.

There was a party the other day.

No one was entirely sure why.

You're about to ask yourself what a party has to do with a bathroom door. 

Go ahead.

I needed a new bathroom door. I was incapable of putting it up because I had never done it before and it was fairly complex. The solution, as always, was to call Bob. Bob is my buddy of many years. Bob is to construction as lefty is to computers. Bob stopped by, assessed the situation, and had it hung in short order. Wife was impressed. For about 15 minutes. Bob put the door on backwards. Bob are a perfesshunul.

Months later, I had to install an air conditioner shelf brackety thing. I was terrified of it requiring drills and other tools I knew the names of but did not have. Sure enough, Bob was kind enough to stop by on his day off. He looked at the instructions and shook his head... he wasn't understanding. Since we were both standing there in Man Pose (arms crossed, looking pensive), the Man Code stated I had to look at it. I too shook my head and sent Bob home. We just weren't getting it.

Wife, who called Bob, was less than happy that the professional (and I) failed to have the thing installed. When I protested stupidity, she handed me the device exactly as it was supposed to be attached.  Boy, I really WAS stupid. I didn't have the heart to call Bob. But at least I finished with the Man Code: I told her if she's so smart, SHE could install it.

Bob's wife threw a party.

She has different ways of going about things.

When I say threw a party, I mean something closer to arranged a party. She made sure to delegate absolutely everything but being the hostess. When the day came, everybody had brought something, except Mrs. Bob. After all, it was her party. Then everybody arranged the food over tables, tents, and inside. Mrs Bob stayed inside because it was 90 outside. She certainly looked summery, in her very short skirt, which let most of it all hang out. And when I say it, I mean several great handfuls of cottage cheese and some used telephone poles. 

After we left, I hear Mrs. Bob was already planning her next party. Why? Because everyone else cleaned up for her. 

• I hate rain. I hate clouds. I picked the wrong state in which to live. We've had a pretty bad spell lately. Today we're aware of the sun, but the clouds are doing their best to obscure it, like Michael Moore in front of Gwyneth Paltrow. Yet I feel myself longing for rain. WHAT? Because if it doesn't rain in the next hour, I have to mow.
• Well, I had no choice. We went to a battery-powered mower, which is very light and very quiet. This is the problem: everyone else's mower is loud and bothers the hell out of me. I can't even reciprocate. Maybe I'll contact the manufacturer and find out if there's a VOOM retrofit. They have to put them on electric cars, so people will know they're coming.