In Oklahoma, a hotel guest proposed a new technique in argument resolution. Angered by a dispute over the bill, he drove his pickup truck into the lobby. This would certainly make the hotel business more exciting.
A mother who gave birth to her daughter twelve weeks early in order to be treated for cancer says she "can't wait to start chemo". I know kids are a PITA but had no idea they were this bad.
Another one! Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster now able to perform marriages in New Zealand.
Government program used telepathy to contact aliens. We know for a fact that the remote viewing program existed. This is one claimed result. Believe or not.
In another large scale attack on sanity, N.W.A. is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Don't stand in front of the plane: an Air India ground staff member died after being sucked into an aircraft engine at Mumbai airport. Ouch.
The Human Rights Foundation has asked Nicki Manaj to cancel her performance in Angola because her payment would come from government corruption. The American Rights Foundation has asked Nicki Manaj to cancel all US performances on general principles.
Once again, Congress has passed a stopgap funding bill so the government can stay 'open'. Have you noticed that they consistently fail to resolve ANYTHING, instead preferring to pass stopgaps. Mind you, they're spending our money. Fiscal malfeasance: sack them all.
Of all things a country can ban, France is doing well with banning 'excessively thin' models. A doctor can decide what excessively thin is. I can decide too but they have to send them here first.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk. Woman spends some time driving on the sidewalk, injuring more than thirty, killing one. For some reason, DUI is suspected.
A Dutch traveler was found with over twelve live hummingbirds in his pants. And prostitution is legal there, isn't it?
Blacks fail the Philly police psych profiling screening more than whites. Black groups are concerned, citing discrimination. Under U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission guidelines, if an
employment screening tool results in a minority racial group being hired
at less than four-fifths the rate of the majority, the burden is on the
employer to show why that tool is a valid predictor of job success and
not discriminatory. The test is the MMPI, used by behavioral health and legal personnel all over the country.
Brunei has banned the wearing of Santa hats. Talk about a war on Christmas! This is every bit as valid as homosexuality harming heterosexuality.
That's Gotta Hurt: A Sri Lanka man was arrested near Colombo for smuggling gold bars in his rectum.
Goodbye Kitty: Hello Kitty hacked, 3.3million accounts prove that there's no end to vapid and stupid. And you thought I was going to say Kardashian, didn't you?
Woman bites off husband's ear over beer. And smashed dishes. And blood on the wall. Minnesota - not Florida!
Meanwhile in India, monkey steals bus and crashes it while driver sleeps. Monkey offered job.
A man walked off a cliff and fell 60' to his death on xmas day. Because he was distracted by his cell phone. No word on whether he managed a selfie on the way down.
Top five Christmas songs written by Jews
"White Christmas" - Written by Irving Berlin (pictured), Bing Crosby's version is the bestselling single of all time
"The Christmas song" ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire") - Written by Bob Wells and Mel Torme and recorded four times by Nat King Cole
"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" - Sammy Cahn wrote the song in 1945, during a heatwave in Los Angeles
"Santa Baby" - written by Joan Javits and made famous by Eartha Kitt
"Winter Wonderland" - written in 1934 and recorded by more than 200 singers
Headline of the Month: Jared underage sex shock - Enjoy a foot long in jail!
Follow the script, people: In St Louis, police shot and killed a black man who pointed a gun at them. There were protests. People threw bricks and bottles at the police. The police used tear gas. A car was set on fire and businesses were burglarized. Days before, a 93-year-old Tuskagee Airman who lost his way pulled over in the neighborhood to call his daughter and was robbed. When he asked passersby for help, he was carjacked.
Animal rights activist beaten with duck in Spain. Spain - a country of irony. Next week: Hillary Clinton beaten with a server.
Mexico orders toll for pedestrians crossing border. Note there is no toll to get OUT of Mexico.
Three Americans and a Briton receive France's top honor for thwarting subway attack. The gunman, with an automatic weapon and handgun, claims he was only there to rob people. After the Legion of Honor ceremony, France formally surrendered to the heroes. You think I'm kidding? "...passengers were abandoned by staff, who ran and locked themselves away in a service room."
Fire broke out as a result of an explosion at a US Army base in Japan. Nothing is known about the explosion at all but the Army is positive that it is not the result of terrorism and that nobody important got hurt.
BBQ Gentrification: Just when you thought you'd never go near a restaurant again, we are apparently in the early stages of a barbecue boom! And since we didn't know about the boom, we also didn't know to wonder whether the food's African-American roots are being forgotten. See all the thoughtful shit we bring to you?
Sharing child care improves sex lives of couples. Actually, not having kids improves sex lives.
A 3-D printed violin? Very early in the process but this has great potential. Never mind that it's not made of wood (BURN HER!).
What do the Bangkok bombing and Auschwitz-Birkenau have in common? People are taking selfies there. We are a sick planet. I used to work with a comic who imagined a terrible traffic accident and some guy in a minivan who told his wife and kids to go over there and stand near the body - I'll take a picture. Gawker Culture at its best.
Duing a counter-protest to the Planned Parenthood protest, Temple of Satan members 'drowned women', simulating water-boarding to "illustrate the theocratic agenda imposed upon female bodies." Satanists - always fighting for your rights.
Woman's body stolen from funeral home. Perhaps they can return it for the $20,000 reward once they're through taking selfies with it and posting them on Faceyspaces.
Guess who's the worst president in history? Although there are tons of eligible candidates, only one came up on top. I won't spoil the surprise (his name rhymes with push).
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer - they're easier to bomb when you know where they are.
This week is one of many anniversaries: Windows 95 (Zero Factor Authorization) is 20, linux is 24 and Katrina is 10. Leo Fender would have been 106. I stopped at 18. And September 26 is National Dog Day.
Remember the female Viagra pill that got turned down twice by the FDA as ineffective and unsafe? Due to pressure from the manufacturer and women's groups, it has been approved. Now women can have their own horribly expensive pill that probably won't work and causes all sorts of negative side effects! What a win for equal rights.
A man was stabbed outside the screening of "Straight Outta Compton". In other news, two men were sued outside screening of the reissue of "Fiddler on the Roof".
I just figured out who's flying all the drones around airports and a recent incident near a prison: the Secretary of the Maryland Department of Public Safety and Correctional Services is going to ask for up to $400,000 per prison for drone detection equipment.
At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, this won funniest joke: "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free." If this sort of thing appeals to you, go to the link. If not, here's a lovely picture for you:
Hey Hey, it's the Music!
C'mon - everybody's favorite guilty pleasure is The Monkees. From their Prefab Four moniker to their tv show to their recent tours, they're stronger (and older) than ever. Contrary to popular perception, they did play their own instruments after a while, including at concerts. Unfortunately Davy Jones passed away a few years back. Fortunately Mike Nesmith rejoined after many years' absence and tours ensued (I saw them twice last year). Their tv show was very successful, as they were very good in front of the camera and the writing was of high quality. The show survives in syndication and has returned every little while, to great acclaim. New generations keep discovering The Monkees - for good reason.
You probably know Daydream Believer, featuring Davy on vocals and Fab Dance Moves. It's a great sing-along and clocks in at 2:46. Davy was a child star (like Mickey Dolenz) and stage actor. Enjoy the wacky antics of the group and the really trippy set.
The lads did not confine themselves to recording and television - they also made a movie called Head (cowritten by Jack Nicholson). There were many contemporaries in the film, including Annette Funicello, Dennis Hopper, Terri Garr and the incomparable Frank Zappa (oddly enough, a huge fan).
You Just May Be the One is a Mike Nesmith tune. Mike does not get his due. His mother invented liquid paper and he has a successful solo career. He almost invented country rock, although he will not take credit.
Randy Scouse Git is a wild romp through psychedelia and kettle drums. Mickey looks like he's wearing a tablecloth and displays his scatting and vocal talents. He's a very good singer and front man but also does not get credit for it. He started as a guitarist and continues to play it in concert. Mickey had to learn the drums for the group, as Mike already played the guitar. ANECDOTE: the title was apparently a serious insult in England, so they released the single as Alternate Title there.
Valleri was a favorite of mine (and many others) from the early days, possibly because of the fuzzy guitar and really fast guitar solo. The solo was not played by Mike, as mimed here. He readily admits that he's not a very good guitar player. He did hold things together live.
I really want the Monkeemobile. There were eight manly cylinders in it, it could carry the entire band plus groupies and the header(?) popping out of the hood probably blinded the driver.
Ok, credit for the title goes to the great FrankZappa.
But have you ever seriously asked yourself what does the color of my pee mean? The Cleveland Clinic has your answer.
Along similar lines, what do we do about too much poo on Mt Everest? Further proving that we all don't know shit.
One must also wonder if humans are getting cleverer. One must also wonder if cleverer is a proper word. Perhaps if you know the answer, you're clever(er). Regardless, we're still a nation of morons.
NFL Champions to Donate Their Brains to Science. This begs the question of how they find their brains.
Britland asks Nigerian asylum-seeker to prove that she's gay. Will this involve Birkenstocks? Joan Jett concerts? LL Bean catalogs?
It will all come out in the wash(no wonder abortion is such a contentious subject).
Some people go with the flow. Some against the flow. Some are free-thinkers. Some, well, some think on their toes, like my friend Bob. After the recent Charlie Heado bombings, Bob quickly got online and ordered some cheap airline tickets to France. For some reason, the fares had gone down drastically. We are facing a silent epidemic. It's slipping under the radar and I wanted to do my best to get the news out to the public. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about people driving or leaving their vehicles on train tracks and walking off, causing their vehicles to become compact cars (and much harder to drive). I direct your attention to the most recent incident, wherein fifty people were injured. I have absolutely no idea why the fellow decided to park his truck on the tracks but he was picked up and charged for hit and run(?), after being found walking along the tracks, talking on his cell phone. Ah, cell phone - that might explain things. The tracks probably interrupted his texting, so he left the truck there. After the train hit the vehicle, he probably took a few selfies and posted them to Faceyspaces, then walked away, calling a few friends to tell them the news. Oh yeah, there might have been Certain Substances involved too, but that's just my speculation. Let's face it, it was either drugs or the guy was that stupid. Or both. The fellow's attorney (you knew there had to be an attorney involved) stated 'that his client had been confused and mistakenly turned onto the tracks instead of a nearby street'. Tell me, dear readers - do you leave your car on the median when you mistakenly make a wrong turn? If you make a mistake and wind up in the really bad part of town, do you get out of your car and walk away, talking on your cell phone? If this guy drove into a building, he'd leave the car hanging out of a window and climb down before taking his selfies. Incidentally, the crash flipped over three double-decker Metrolink rail cars and derailed two others. He must have walked away out of concern. This lady, in Australia, got hit so badly that the car got thrown 170 meters (that's 47.3 American miles). No idea why she was on the tracks but she lived.
In St. Louis, this car was hit by a train. There were no injuries! This vehicle 'was attempting to stop at the tracks and slid'. Looks like it failed.
Didn't their parents teach them not to play on train tracks? With matches? While running with scissors?
And in closing, the Chinese restaurant across from work no longer sells Chinese food.
