Air Escaping from Your Buttocks

Musical Appreciation Time

This was my least favorite class in school. Sure, I'm a musician, but lyrics baffle me. If I had my way, and I make a point of it, we'd just banish them from music. It's like Shakespeare: it's simply not written to be understood. "Oh Capulet... wherefore art thou, Montague - the kettle's on the boil and we're so easily drawn away." How do you interpret this stuff?

So let's go.
Today's entry is from Procol Harum. Right off the bat we're in trouble, because we can't even understand the name. In fact, we can't even tell what language it's in. Might be English - who knows?  The song is called Conquistador. Another way we can tell we're in trouble is that he pronounces it ConKWIStador. Two countries separated by a common language.

So one day, Famous Rock Star Gary Brooker sits down and says to himself, "Self, I need a hit to follow Whiter Shade of Pale. Hey, why don't I write a song about Spain's failed conquering activities in some dinky country, probably in northern South America, where the natives are less than happy to see them?"  Because this is always the first thing that comes to mind when searching for song topics.

Conquistador your stallion stands, in need of company 

And like some angel's haloed brow, you reek of purity.

 Are we done yet? I am.
We can safely assume a conquistador, however it's pronounced, is one of those Spanish guys who went around causing havoc, conquering land and people, in the name of the queen (Elton John, before he became a Sir).  His horse is lonely, for some reason, and he's really really pure. Do we seriously want to know what pure meant, way back then?

And though you came with sword held high, you did not conquer - only die.

 Now we've hit the crux of the biscuit.
This is a a delightfully witty way of defining abject failure.


And this is why I failed literature and music appreciation.



We bid fond farewell to Daryl Dragon, better known as the Captain, from the Captain and Tenille. Love won't keep them together.




Dear lefty

• Blog Ignorer Chng Ng, of the University of No Vowels, Wales, asks why don't you show your face?
• Dear Cheech: Ask me that question when you're back in men's clothes.

Is it too late for updated Chrsitmas songs? [yes]

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
I'm Dreaming of a White Woman
My Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
The Little Jewish Boy: I'm Hasidic, baruch atah tah



Speaking of little Jewish boys, the world has come a long way. Or a short way, depending on your perspective.

My extensive research (I asked a Jew I know) revealed how difficult it was growing up Jewish. Her friends' parents looked at her suspiciously, almost as they'd look at a black girl, but less. In school she'd have to sing Christmas songs - one didn't opt-out then. When she asked about Hanukkah songs, the teacher blew a spring and the class snickered at her. When her mom watched the neighbor's kids while the mother was having another one, they thanked her and said they didn't know Jews could be so nice.

Seriously?

In other directly sourced items, Wife survived Catholic school and got the t-shirt. She said they barely said a word about Jews, other than they were the devil. Wife thought they had horns or something... she didn't know how else to pick them out.

Seriously?




I miss Leon Russell.
He was a member of the Wrecking Crew - the studio guys who played on everyone's records from Sinatra to the Beach Boys. He did solo stuff, he was Joe Cocker's bandleader for the Mad Dogs and Englishmen tour, and he was always a sight, with long hair and a genuine southern twang. Sir Elton John inducted Leon into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2011. You need to watch this - Elton's speech is heartwarming. If you listen very carefully, Elton's piano playing sounds an awful lot like Leon's. Also check out Tedeschi Trucks Band with the reunited Mad Dogs personnel, Leon included.

Quantum Physics Question: Dave Mason (Traffic) wrote Feelin Alright, one of Joe Cocker's biggest songs. When Dave came out and sang Feelin Alright in Joe's style, did that create some sort of universal vacuum or antimatter?

• We bid farewell to Sondra Locke(74), actress and girlfriend of Clint Eastwood, from complications of cancer.

Apparently I was bored.
A friend popped by and we went for dinner.
When I got home, the phone told me there was an update. This is not right, because I have those services turned off. I told it to go ahead and reboot, at which point they told me I couldn't make phone calls while the phone rebooted. YOU'RE KIDDING.... I can't make phone calls while the phone's off? I'm returning it. I expected better.

During the 90 seconds, I got pretty screens. 5 minutes later, I was looking at the same screens. Lovely.  No matter what I tried, I couldn't reboot the thing. Finally I found it, the phone rebooted, and the update finally completed. Good thing, as I was going to lodge the update in some carrier's nether regions, as soon as I could make a call.  Reminder: BACK YOUR PHONE UP FREQUENTLY. Just in case.

• Once again, the blog stats show some interesting places people have been before arriving here. I don't know who, and I'm not interested. Just that the adult cam sites are apparently very popular with people (don't worry, the stats don't tell me who). Either that or the Adult Anal and Cheating on your wife sites gave up and cam sites took over Troll Duty. So I salute people with interesting lives, unlike mine. Bring us back some video, please. Share with your fellow readers.

Dear lefty

• Captain Shlomo Ionicelli, Italo-Israel Police, wants to know how to get even with his sister for the Hooker Fiasco.
• Get her kids drums for Christmas/Hanukkah

Another day, another Faceyspaces booboo.

Remember they hired factcheckers to fix their 'fake news' problem?

The checkers are walking because Faceyspaces is ignoring their concerns.

• Today's best out-of-context statement: Would you get her poop? 
• Also: When you get a minute, can you come in here and feel my anal gland?

Speaking of pets, do something nice for the holidays (or regularly): your local SPCA, rescue group, and vet can always use Stuff and donations. Our vet has a basket and fund to help people with their bills and foods, including meds your pet didn't use and toys. The SPCA always needs donations - food, towels, money. Rescue groups are funded from the pockets of the volunteers (I used to be one). Marshall will be making a donation this year, unfortunately posthumously.

• Here's a conspiracy so dark, so real, so mean-spirited, that people dare not talk about it: Christmas. Christmas itself can go either way: great or sucky. Thus far, mine is as much fun as chewing glass. Even a voluntary agoraphobe has to get out now and then - I like an occasional weekend jaunt. We were all set, with a plan. Then my brother called: every asshole with a car was on the road. Wife told me you'd have to circle the mall parking lot for an hour to get a spot.
• Christmas has actually prevented me from leaving the house. I will not suffer traffic, wall to wall idiots in malls and no seating in loud restaurants. Three WEEKS in the house.
• It's a madly sadly conspiracy, I tell you. 

Just for your edification, there's a forensic psychologist. In case you know this already, along with Doggie Oncologist, I bet you didn't know there's a forensic geophysicist (in case water or dirt gets murdered).

• The business that's transforming the world of Suck with vacuums and air cleaners, now has a hair dryer. It's all sorts of futuristic, with no visible heater and no visible power switch. It's 299 pounds British (447 gallons American). For that price, it should give you the option of Personal Suck, although I'd be hesitant to test out that function..... don't forget the Vacuum Incident... I haven't.

Guitar Players

Fender has a good article on neck shapes. They go over C, V, and U, with excellent descriptions (very little on radius). The irony here is that most of their guitars come with one generic C-neck. This is my bugaboo with Fender.  If you're a lefty, it's even worse. Either way, you have to spend more because the models with the nicer necks are the special (more expensive) ones, not stock models.

Check out the new Strats: 50s, 60s, and 70s series. They are very reasonably priced and have interesting neck shapes. Naturally they're not listed as available lefty, and Customer Service has not gotten back to me.

If you're interested in necks that aren't their C shape, check out the 70s Tele reissue, Baja Tele (highly recommended), 52 Tele reissue ($$), Jimmie Vaughan (older) Strat, 50s Strat, and the hideously expensive top of the line vintage 50s Strat. If you can find them - I sure as hell can't - lefty or righty. In the 5th largest market in the country, I can't find guitars. What a shithole.

Renting a Life

The phone rings.
This is never a good sign.
Wife wants to know if I want the bad news or the really bad news.
I told you it wasn't a good sign.

Unable to pull over on the turnpike in time, the dog decorated the car seat.
Lovely.
And speaking of the car, it was running very strangely and the Check Engine light was on. This car simply doesn't do that. By the way, the call was coming from two and a half hours away, in Outer Mongolia.

Outer Mongolia was less than convenient for most of us, especially as I needed to perform some job-related errands the following day and the mechanic was near home.

I had to rent a car. Jinkies.
The company that picks you up was the only choice.
I got an Altima, through very little choice of my own.
The largest surprise is that there are no dogs allowed. NO DOGS? Fortunately Marshall doesn't think he's a dog, so that won't be a problem.

My personal car is a thing of beauty, generating no problems. Because of its age, it has none of the things people today are used to. I don't even have an AUX in on the stereo.

The rental had stuff I'd never seen before. These lights kept going on and off. It took me a while to figure out they were 'radar' to tell me there was a car coming up on that side. Great invention. The two zone air conditioning was handy, as Wife prefers arctic air and I prefer to drive in a less than icy state.

I never knew about this, but when you shift into reverse, there's a tv on the dash! The only problem is why should a tv be wasted running only in reverse. And I hate to say this, but the programming was total crap. It was largely about streets and curbs. The audio seemed to be broken.

When you see car commercials, you'll notice there's very little about the actual car: it's more about stupid features and the stereo.  And there was a stereo in this car. It had many controls, which probably makes car buyers orgasmic or terrified. It had buttons and the buttons had buttons. It was a complete nightmare of user hostility. Hooking my phone to it was a delicate dance, but you'll be happy to know nothing got broken, went airborne, or got punched. For some reason it wanted permissions to my messages, which wasn't working for me. There were a few other phones listed.. when I get some time, I'll find the info they left in the car. The long and short of this is the thrill I got, not having to listen to the radio. I got to hear my own music. Yes, this is normal for everyone with recent cars; it's just new to me.

On the other hand, this car's seats hurt our backs. It probably had a tiny engine because it couldn't get out of its own way. The ride allowed us to experience every nuance of the road. In English this means "it's really goddamn bumpy." So our 'old' car blew the very new car away. Fortunately the engine light went out in our car. Everybody knows there's nothing wrong with a car when the check engine light goes out. We can all breathe easier.

A friend related a story about a new car stereo. His wife's new car had all sorts of complex gadgets. She found a button labeled HD. Enthused by High Definition, she switched on the obvious satellite radio and noticed that they played all her favorite music. They played entire CDs of her favorite music. A tiny amount of detective work by my friend revealed that HD stands for Hard Drive, and it played the favorite music because it recorded the CDs she played.



The FBI and other sources are raising the alarm over a type of router malware, called VPNfilter. This can take over your router and potentially be used in a botnet. The long and short of it is that you need to update the firmware in your router and reboot it. Firmware tells the device how to operate. However, trying to get owners to do anything even vaguely security-related is advanced dentistry, like pulling teeth. You should be updating the firmware periodically anyway, and definitely now, whether or not your router is on the possible list. In addition, here are five tips to protect your router.

• Can't Kill This: a Texas man killed a snake while gardening. When he went to get rid of the head, it bit him. He was rushed to the hospital, where it appears he will recover. This is definitely one for Science to study.
• It's also the last time his wife will place two deadly snakes in their yard.

They're baaaaaaack!
The ants.
No idea what's going on here but the past few years have been Ant Crazy<tm>. We used to think it reflected on the cleanliness of the occupants but that was dispelled when the antiseptic OCD micro-cleaning ladies on either side of us got them; one in her tub.

So if you happen to be visiting, never mind Mrs lefty, who is prowling the house with her holster. In one slot is ant spray. In the other slot is pet-friendly ant spray. She has her hands over the spray cans, ready to DRAW at a moment's notice. She hunts stealthily, so those stupid ants won't hear her silent stomping. When she finds them, there's the initial WHOOOOOOOSH, as she sprays them, but the fun's only beginning....  now it's time for Tracking. One cannot just kill the ants - one must track them to their source. See where they came from and how they got into the house. This is Grade A Detective Work, or, as we call it, deteckin.  I dare not open cabinets, lest I find our current supply of ant spray is taking over the house.

When all the (visible) ants have gone to meet their maker, it's time to hunt MOTHS. We did a credible job of eradicating the little buggers, but every now and then we see one. If we're eating, I manage to continue, but not Wild West Mrs lefty. She puts her fork down with a crash, reaches for anything in a aerosol can, and LETS LOOSE. I will not speculate on why there's always an aerosol can handy. If, heaven forbid, there's no aerosol can around, she leaps into action, throwing herself in the general direction of the moth, and clapping her hands together so fast I can't see it happen. Can you imagine dinner with the family, discussing how everyone's day went, when all of the sudden Mommy leaps out of her chair, into the air, and dispatches a moth before gravity acts upon her body?  She's like the Bionic Moth Hunter. All she needs is a Steve Irwin accent and some khaki clothes.

• A soldier has been arrested after stealing an armored vehicle and giving police a two hour tour of Virginia. They were very specific that it was not a tank, for some reason. Naturally, pictures appeared across social media.
• I'd check to see if Joe Walsh wasn't back on the sauce...

According to a Pew Research Center poll:

Almost seven-in-ten Americans (68%) feel worn out by the amount of news there is these days

So we better get on this and cut down the amount of stuff happening.

• Hey - are you on myheritage.com? Data on more than 92 million users were exposed in a breach on October 26, 2017, reported June 4, 2018, because they just learned about it.  Nice job, guys.

Aside from Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, what are Men in Black?
They're are a real phenomenon, occurring after UFO sightings. Out of nowhere, two or more men, typically dressed in black but might also be a uniform, show up at your door. They look like something out of the 50s: black coat, black suit, sunglasses, black hat, getting out of a large, old car, and something wrong. Like a facial feature being a little off. Various things have been reported, including hypnosis, threats of bodily harm if the person talks, telling him he never saw anything, and plain old asking what he saw.

They haven't changed in years and years, since they were first reported. There is audiotape of several people who were visited, as well as stories. There is at least one picture of one of them.

Many possible explanations exist as to who or what they are: our government, desperate to know if 'someone' is visiting. Somebody else from somewhere else. How do they know you were just visited or had a close sighting? Some say in addition to alleged extraterrestrial UFOs, there are ARVs - Alien Reproduction Vehicles, which our government made from capturing and reverse-engineering crashed UFOs. Some of these are alleged to be able to swoop in and abduct people. Since we're veering way off known reality, let's add the theory that the pilots of the (not ours) UFOs are US from the future. I don't know about you, but I don't want to 'evolve' into a Gray.

I have no answers. Just creating more questions.

• Did you buy any of those CloudPets for your kids? The kids record a message and it goes in The Cloud? Last year, more than half a million people had their information exposed.  16 months later, they're being pulled for the shelves by the stores, over concerns that were never addressed. Bluetooth vulnerabilities discovered were ignored. The manufacturer never responded to emails. The parent company, Spiral Toys, went out of business last year. This is the future, people.
• There is yet another Adobe Flash flaw, addressed by an emergency fix. Do the update, folks.

If you lived around 1880, you might run an ad for a wife:

Chance for a spinster. A young man in Aroostook County, Maine, advertising for a wife, speaks of himself as follows: "I am eighteen years old, have a good set of teeth, and believe in Andy Johnson, the star spangled banner, and the 4th of July. I have taken up a State lot, cleared up eighteen acres last year, and seeded ten of it down. My buckwheat looks first-rate and the oats and potatoes are bully. I have got nine sheep, a two year old bull, and two heifers, besides a house and barn. I want to get married. I want to buy bread-and-butter, hoop-skirts, and waterfalls for some person of the female persuasion during life. That's what's the matter with me. But I don't know how to do it."

If he posted this on Faceyspaces, he could have his choice of hundreds of thousands of women, almost immediately.

• Scientists developed Norman, the Artificial Intelligence. They wanted to turn Norman into a psychopath, so they fed it some of Reddit. POOF - Instant Psychopath - just add Reddit!

A lot of people ask me how they can be safe online.
I look off into the distance, thoughtfully, and tell them, "Don't go online."

• new Hallmark card: Sorry I Gave You Chlamydia

Years ago, I was asked to look into a product offered by a huge pc manufacturer, that would analyze firewall traffic. So I called, and the salesdude told me I'd have to forward our traffic to them for analysis. I told the guy our data doesn't leave the building. He acted surprised and got annoyed with me, like I was the crazy one. Remember: if you can no longer touch your data, it's no longer yours.

• Dear Mr. Cameraman: when the guitar solo starts, be sure to focus in on the drummer.

Here's an uplifting story: the story of Badfinger.

You might remember them from "Day After Day", "Come and Get It", "Baby Blue", and "Without You". Pete Ham was the band's chief songwriter and singer. They played locally, eventually getting seen and signed to Apple Records, as the first band. Paul McCartney and George Harrison produced the band and helped out. Stardom followed. "Without You" was covered by everybody from Harry Nilsson to Frank Sinatra. They were all over the charts, touring America and back to England.

And there was no money.

They were hoodwinked by unscrupulous financial people. Eventually the record company wanted their advance back and the band was stopped cold. The guys were despondent. They couldn't get a new deal to pull themselves out. Pete Ham hung himself.

Tommy Evans, bassist and Pete's cowriter, went downhill. He had tax problems and a lawsuit. Eight years after Pete's death, Tommy hanged himself. There were various albums with various members between and after the deaths.

Guitar player Tommy Molland, brought in after the first album was recorded, is touring as Tommy Molland's Badfinger.

All that great music plus the music that never came...

• and when my life is over, remember when we were together, we were alone and I was singing this song to you - Leon Russell