We're Being Strangled by Wireless Cell Phones

Your love is like  eating some bullets

SIM Swapper Abducted, Beaten, Held for $200k Ransom

I think we have the way out of malware....

Today I identify as  an umlaut

 I was just hung up on in text chat! I didn't even know it was possible.

I have now been hung up on in every way possible. My life is complete.

A $6 charge appeared on my phone bill, out of nowhere. The page told me it was for making a plan adjustment. After waiting 20 minutes for somebody who was hopefully brighter than the chat bot, I was told it's a surcharge and was notified months ago. Yes, I'm being charged $6 extra for keeping my existing plan. But if I wanted to upgrade to their spiffy new 5G unlimited free Apple music Disney+ plan at a similar rate, everything would be ok and God himself would smile upon me. I'd become a rock star and actresses and models would throw themselves at my feet.

That's nice, but I don't want or need that plan. The amount I use my phone is laughable. I never even came up to the 1gig limit when I had a 1g plan. Then they forced me to take a 5g plan, of which I don't use 1g. I don't use half of 1g. But she keeps telling me I could upgrade. I keep looking around the room to see who is typing here, because I kept typing that I wanted a tiny plan with limited data. Between you and me, I think God was getting angry, and I don't blame Him. I was screaming and the dog was barking.

I decided to play their game and asked how much was 'a similar price.'  Are you ready? My already ridiculous plan was going to go up to $105. Or keep paying a $6 surcharge. So I figured we'd play my game and asked her would she pay $105 monthly for a phone she barely used. I had to ask her 5 times because she kept ignoring me and trying to sell me the 5g plan. Her training was excellent, and I told her so, but she wasn't listening to the customer. That's when she 'hung up' on me.

Did I forget to tell you who my carrier is?  It's the one that rhymes with Purrizon. I've stayed with them forever, for the coverage. Not anymore, apparently. To make matters more funner, my phone won't work on the carrier I'm looking at.

I'm not positive who regulates the cell phone industry, but we're going to have a chat about Purrizon, and the industry in general. If enough people complain....

Now, let's talk about a related matter.  If your phone plan is $60 monthly, you're paying $60 PLUS $30 in TAXES, state, and federal nonsense. Your monthly bill is now $90. And I'm pretty sure you're not paying for a $60 plan. This is obscene. It's not the fault of the carriers, unless they tack on other charges. This is from our state and federal legislators. You might want to look at your bill and have a chat with them.

And now, the final chapter of the leftys vs the Hospital 

"Hey, come get me - I'm being discharged," she told me.

Rushing to the hospital with glee (my pet attack cheetah), she said we're just waiting for some paperwork.

Hour 1.

Hour 2.

Hour 3. - I didn't want to interrupt lunch at 2:30

Hour 4  - wait... I think we see a doctor. Flag him down, with a flamethrower.

Hour 5 - "You're a free woman," said the nurse,

Doctors all suffer from some sort of temporal disorder. They have no sense of time, like the DMV. They'll get to it in an hour actually means any time between 5 hours and next month. The hospital process is completely broken in the first place, but the discharge process has jumped ship and took off for Uranus.

Food Delivery Robot Casually Drives Under Police Tape, Through Active Crime Scene

There is no better way to point out that self-driving vehicles are Not Ready for Prime Time than this. No one was mowed down, inside or outside the vehicle. The only thing that would make this better would be a 4 hour gun battle, with police shooting the robot full of lead. And the robot still delivering the food.

What actually happened was a nearby bomb hoax at a high school. While the hoaxers were waiting, they ordered pizzas. Sounds reasonable, no?

Bridgestone has put more than $100M into eco-tires made of shrubs

You must bring me.... a SHRUBBERY

Yes, eventually everything goes back to Monty Python.

Gates-Funded 'Green Revolution' in Africa Has Failed, Critics Say

When philanthropists spend vast sums of money on a project, jubilation and high expectations ensue. But money doesn't necessarily produce results.

A case study, according to critics, is the push for a "green revolution" in Africa, which has spent $1 billion to date, much of it from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

They write these headlines just for me. 

Well, what do you expect from the developer of a failed operating system?

We have been sending billions in aid to Africa, yet things never improve. Why is that?

I know that politicians had themselves exempted from spam laws. Yesterday I got a text from the NAACP, asking me to help get black people to the polls. The NAACP, as far as I know, isn't a politician, although this might tell me more than I wanted to know. I will tell the NAACP what I tell everybody: until there is a left handed history and appreciation month, I'm not helping anybody.

As far as I know, I'm also not black, if that's a requirement.

Of course it doesn't end there.... Google is launching a pilot program to keep political emails out of the junk pile. Not that having a gmail account is a good idea, but how about giving everybody a choice?

Don't want to get run over by a Ford car? There's a Bluetooth app for that

I keep banging the warning gong because self-driving software is just not ready yet, but is being foisted upon an unsuspected public, ready to mow down a few citizens. Ford has a Bluetooth app to keep you from getting run over by a Ford car. It's a great idea in a vacuum, til you realize you can still get run over by every other brand self-driving car. While an interesting idea, it's attacking symptoms instead of the problem. Have I mentioned the range of Bluetooth would require beyond-human reflexes and perhaps a small physics change to allow your safety?

Wanda Sykes used to work for the NSA. Uh-oh. Laugh at my jokes or I'll have you taken to a place where they will never find your bones. That aside, privacy and civil rights groups are putting on the pressure not to air Ring Nation, which will feature video taken from Ring doorbell cameras. They're normalizing surveillance. 

Footage from Ring cameras was used to track and monitor protesters who took to the streets, exercising their First Amendment rights, in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. These are not isolated incidents. Racial profiling and racist policing are core components of Ring’s business model, which profits off fear.”

Remember: Ring operates independent of the Fourth Amendment. It has become a huge surveillance network that works without warrants or oversight.

After news that an AI-generated painting won a prize, creative-type people are really seeing red, claiming AI is killing art. Hollywood is working on a statement and we have the draft: How the hell are we supposed to make millions for a movie, so we can walk around and say things, as if we were important and our voice somehow counted for more than the Ugly Americans? We will all have to get real jobs. How can we ever walk on red rugs, get trophies, pat each other on the back, and bitch because we deserved that, if we have to get jobs? It's not like we have the skills to work at convenience stores or gas stations. Society sends us to Hollywood because we have no discernible talent (and some of us are waaay better looking than the rest of you). 

I would never bolster their case, but we said drum machines and rap were killing music. We weren't wrong. 

The Department of Homeland Security (the Motherland) has awarded nearly $700,000 to help keep gamers from becoming terrorists. Security Theater has gone completely off the rails. More of your money will be heading to other known radicalizing activities and trades, such as plumbing, jump rope, sweeping up after elephants at the circus, and working at the DHS. 

If You've Got a Virus Up There, I'm Not Scanning for It

Let's start with some good old "hey, that's cool!"
Arcimoto is testing its electric rapid responder with a fire department
It's a 3 wheel electric vehicle. The fire company is having fun with it.  I always wanted to be a fireman, but I discovered there aren't a lot of positions for firemen who can't stand heights or when it gets too hot. Other than that, I'd be #1 on the squad.

• Huawei expects a 20% drop in phone sales, thanks to lack of Google apps
• Hell - if the hardware didn't come from China, the lack of Google apps would be a plus for everyone!

Dear Russia:
We have read many stories of alleged interference with our elections.
We have noticed a serious uptick in the number of Russian readers, for which we are thankful. IF any of you have come here to affect the next election, whoever you're getting your intel from is smoking crack again. This blog couldn't influence anyone's choice for lunch, no less an election.

I'm kidding.
Thanks for coming by.





Because of MASS PANIC over CORONAVIRUS, ridiculous steps are being taken, such as working from home. We did some research on occupations not yet endorsing work-from-home....

• pilot
• sanitation engineer
• breast lump checker
• dog
• bra fitter
• Well Heeled Oral Retention Expert.
• bus driver
• mob enforcer

• There's a reason Morning and Monday start with the same letter....

Jesse Jackson now endorses Bernie. This should cause your decision to be made, for or against.  Bernie said he'd endorse Biden, should Biden win. Reached for comment, Biden said, "The percolater's on the roof and the cardboard needs refreshing." At his last appearance, it took just over 20 seconds to start an argument about guns.

Biden extends lead over Sanders

---> in a tiny nod toward sanity, old white socialist losing ground.
---> in a nod toward Politics as Usual, old white, somewhat forgetful former VP whose former boss won't even endorse him, gains lead.


Let's step back for a moment and look at what we have here:

• on the rep side we have a president who was voted in as a protest and is the literal example of divide and conquer, even before he took office
• on the dem side, the primary field was shockingly... weird, led by a socialist.  At this point it's coming down to the socialist and the former VP, a cranky old guy who is prone to misstatements, forgetting things, and has the people skills of Kim Jong be Illin, without all that nasty self-confidence
• I weep for my country
• meanwhile, the best man for the job wears a boot on his head (and won the MA libertarian primary)

DHS claims 2020 will be the 'most secure' election in US history
Where were you when the first piece of software was a total failure?
These people couldn't secure their pocket change.

Exclusive: Critical U.S. Election Systems Have Been Left Exposed Online Despite Official Denials

“If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.”

~ General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett.

BULLETIN: Menstrual cup misuse can cause pelvic organ prolapse

I have questions....
WHAT is a menstrual cup?
Can you drink coffee from it?
Do you wear it on your head?
Why does it look like the front half of a condom?
How do you know if you're misusing it?

WARNING: we hope the veracity of this article is not tainted by a country that sends people to the gynaecologist.

• 10 actors you forgot guest-starred on Deadwood
• hint: Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons

Today I identify as   a menstrual cup

• There are many kinds of fish, but 2% are mouthbreeders: they keep their fertilized eggs in their mouth
• ThermionicEmissions would never stoop to under-water blowjob jokes 

Each generation has its own cross to bear. The current one is "Life and struggle after YouTube fame".  As you giggle, remember this is called schadenfraude (joy in the misery of others).




CONTINUED CORONAVIRUS PANIC

People who can't spell their middle name have suddenly memorized COVID-19.

More BBC news: Health Minister Nadine Dorries tests positive for coronavirus.
Also: Iran's health minister tests positive for coronavirus
You can't make this stuff up....

US health insurers will cover costs of COVID-19 testing and treatment.

Coronavirus grows up: officially a pandemic!
PPPAAANNNNNIICCCC!

• One of the things my father will be remembered for was his love of Coast to Coast radio, with George Noory.  He called him Nardi. No one knows why.

Some people make the same mistakes over and over again, without noticing.
Some notice. Some insist on replicating the mistakes over and over again. As far as going to IHOP, I'm in the latter category. My mom likes it there and they're very consistent from restaurant to restaurant. Well, the food is rather consistent - the noise isn't.

Last time I asked for the No Screaming Children section and they sat me 3 feet away from a real screamer. This time there were about 4 tables full and an empty restaurant. We were roundly ignored til the cook took pity on us and found us a table.

Within minutes the table next to us broke out into bawling children.
Minutes later, the table on the other side went NUCLEAR, with the little gentleman screaming his fool head off at the top of his precious little lungs. His mother was practicing a new style of parenting... she simply ignored the Duke of Decibels and continued to give her order as if he weren't there screaming so loudly that the IHOP in the next town asked him to turn it down.

This gorgeous little man (I think - I can't tell by screams alone) continued to try outdoing the volume and ferocity of his previous outburst. Mom was quite consistent in her parenting: she consistently did not shut the child down. That took effort. And balls.

My mother, half deaf, kept jumping in her seat, as Bob Marley's Wailer exploded in shriekdom. At one point he was doing a story he wrote, with Spiderman and Batgirl in it, playing both parts simultaneously.

Four hours later, we noticed the side order of pancakes never appeared, so they brought it by, because they're nice that way.

As we can no longer stand the children and didn't bring hearing protection, we got ready to leave. At this point, the prime instigator kept leaping up, looking at my mother, then hiding. Much to our surprise, his mother's training program fell apart and she scolded him for jumping up. She did not say a word while Young Pavoratti serenaded several restaurants and blew out untold numbers of eardrums, but he could not be allowed to jump up in his seat.

My mother was aghast as we left. Her kids put her through hell, but only when they were teens. I hear stories that we were perfectly behaved when we went out. As you can tell, we got worse as we grew up. It's at times like these that I'm thankful for dogs. And maybe impotence.




Heroes of the Stupid

Florida seventh grader sends 41 to hospital when he mistakes pepper spray for body spray.

The World is My Oyster. I Don't Like Seafood.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Cloning my Service Elephant

I've mentioned the Ring doorbell cameras.
So has Amazon: to the police. They gave the police a 'heatmap' of all devices in an area. While the feature was removed, you can be sure that Amazon would never do it again, nor would police expect them to.



You know how some kids were always the last to be chosen in sports? I was that kid.  No, wait, I was next to last. The fat kid was last. The joke was on them because the fat kid knew way more about sports than I did. That was probably a consequence of growing up without a father. I can't blame my mom for not teaching me about sports (even though she still knows more than me to this day).

I played with the neighborhood kids. They gave me the basic idea and I played along. It was fun - we were little kids, we had a huge drive, and it was very hard concrete. My philosophy on sports (philosophy???) is all applied to the one sport I almost liked; bowling. We can face the fact that nobody, except maybe Einstein and famous supercomputers can score, but bowling was good for me: pick up the heaviest round thing* you could find, and throw it as hard as you can toward the white things. You had to knock down as many as possible. I applied this to baseball, tennis, football, and whatever else we played on the concrete. Because I had no fear, public school gym class was.... interesting. I led a strange tribe, called lefty's Lunatics, who jumped over various pieces of equipment, then (here is the important part) landed on their heads. This explains an awful lot, no?

* you have to find a left-handed ball. You think I'm making this up? Nope - it has to be drilled so the left hand can pick it up.

One day the local kids got skates. This was a little foreign to me, plus I didn't have any, so I'd watch. One day I got skates. Needless to say, I wasn't very good at them, probably because I couldn't apply my bowling philosophy to them. It was all I could do to stand. So there I am, in my non-moving state, and I notice the neighborhood smartass coming in my direction, on his skates. So this is the second time I've been on skates and I didn't have the chops to move out of his way. This little bastard was a few years younger, but everyone knew they were going to find dead animals buried in his yard, after they finally pinned the mass murder charges on him.

Think quick, lefty!
I stood there, arm extended, fist closed.
And the little bastard literally punched himself in the nose with my fist.
He went crying to his mommy that I punched him. Can you see me, barely standing there, trying to explain to Mother Mary that The Anointed One ran into ME? This was a good lesson, although I didn't know it at the time. There's always one asshole, who turns out to have a tiny penis and takes it out on the rest of humanity.

The moral of the story?
There is no moral of the story.
The moral is that if you don't like stories without morals, complain in the comments section.
If you like blogs without morals, bookmark this one.



A Dutch politician is facing 3 years in jail for hacking women's iCloud accounts and leaking nudes.   Sure, one politician who finally does something useful, and they want to jail him. We shall need to see the evidence.



I'm thinking of a new career..... . I want to be a Porn Critic. Just like those fancy d00ds and d00dettes in those New York fake news papers and magazines. Go ahead and review the latest Nora Ephron movie - I'll review Nora's Nasty Nuns (God Never Had This in Mind). One of the movies is demonstrably better than the other. I'll let you decide....

If I were one of those snotty reviewers, my entire job would involve writing two words: "Lacks plot."  Being a porn reviewer, who loves the milieu, I can say anything I want and mean it, without being snotty or holier-than-thou.

• While the anal scenes were spot-on, the fisting lacked realism. 
• When the 12 guys abused the hell out of that 5'2" girl, she kept crying, "More! More!" This is the kind of in-your-face moment that had me rewinding to see it again and again.
• No. I refuse. No clowns. A porn reviewer has to have his standards.
• This reviewer has never beheld a movie with such dedication and reverence for the form: of course I'm talking about Greta Does The World. It's the heartwarming story of an (of-age) girl, driving around the world, going around the world. Spreading her message of spreading in many countries. Becoming a world celebrity for f_ckng. It was 90 minutes of pure joy (and countless money shots). Of special mention was the scene where she tried to fsck the entire United States. People argued for and against her message, but her message of love got out, as did many other things. SEE THIS MOVIE.
• Quick review of Barbara's Bouncy Balloons: normally I enjoy any movie with semi-naked women sitting on huge balloons, bouncing, but this one just didn't... finish. The balloons were all wrong, and Barbara had the rhythm of a child with cerebral palsy and the verbal output of someone with Tourette's Syndrome. Avoid.
• Very few movies take women into mind, but here's one: A Hard Man (Is Good to Find). The men were all over 10" and the women vacillated between frightened and wide-eyed with naked lust. Ok, it lacked plot. Ok, it might have been unrealistic in spots. But foreplay went on for 43 minutes per scene. A must-see for women. Men should consider it a training film.

Our good friends over at DHS want facial recognition scans used on Americans, in addition to existing scans on everyone else.  Who could have seen that coming?



Remember?

• computer shows?
• on the steering column gearshifts?
• bright light switch on the floor, under the emergency brake?
• touch tone phones with no # or * key?

"This Entire Century Has Been An Unmitigated March In The Direction Of Stupidity"   @zerohedge

• 5 ways to protect your privacy on Chrome
• Like it or not (I don't), it's the most popular browser, whether by itself or built upon.

Just in case you need surgery, you should know that docs are now consulting YouTube for direction(s).  This means that if you're good at printing fake diplomas, you can be a surgeon too!

• I'm over the moon delighted that this blog has gotten past its 2-6 hits per day, so if I need to feel disappointed, I just check ThermionicMalware, which has 15 hits over its lifetime (ok 2 weeks, but still.....)

Hey, how about that opioid crisis?
Related article: Suicides associated with forced tapering of opiate pain treatments.

• Wife's new acquaintance called six times and texted four times last night.
• I have a strange feeling about this one... some sixth sense tells me it may not work out well.

How to keep a cat off a Christmas tree
Long time readers may remember Ren, our exceedingly intelligent FDU (Feline Destruction Unit). We got him when he was a few weeks old and he was a precocious little bugger. We only had one cat before (Fred) and he was pretty well-behaved, but died early. Ren grew up and grew and grew, to where he was almost as large and 10 pounds shy of Marshall, the wonder-cocker. Ren would torture Marshall, whose main wish was to be an only child. Ren would also hang from under Marshall, yet they'd sometimes nap together. For some reason, Ren was highly antagonized by the xmas tree. We had one that went up in stages.. maybe he wanted a real one, but he would get into it, push off some very expensive baubles, rewire the lights a bit, and eventually disembowel the tree. It became too much of a problem so I decided to meet him halfway: I took just the 12" top section of the tree and hung it from the ceiling, so he couldn't get it. He tried leaping but failed. We won!!!  Well, not really. By later that day, he figured out how to get it off of the ceiling. We lost. No more trees til he left us. Marshall left the trees alone, unless there was food under them.

• Best book title this week: Ask Me About My Uterus
• Best audio title: Bonny Tyler - the RCA Years    Huh? Was there more than one year?
• Best job title: Ethical Hacker.  Ethical?

Dammit, I hate to be serious, but here goes.

You sure picked a bad time to be Catholic.
If I were Catholic, I'd be out for blood (sorry). There's nothing wrong with the religion - it's the Upper Corporate Administration. Never mind all the secrecy, the trillions in goodies in vaults, and the politics.. they allow and turn a blind eye to pedophilia. This is not acceptable (notice my gentle phrasing, which you don't see often here). This 'secret' has been out in the open for God knows how many years, yet nothing is done.

Pope Francis has accepted the resignation of Buffalo bishop Richard Malone following reports that he kept a secret binder full of the names of accused priests in a closet in his office.

It's so far out in the open, it might as well be featured on a Kardashians show. This is enough proof for anyone, yet nothing will be done.
I'd like to suggest that Catholics, who are innocent of this, jettison the corporate structure. Find different places of worship. Let the collection plate go empty. Most importantly, call for a legal investigation into these evil practices. One child abused is one too many.

Isn't it time?



The good news: NASA satellite found India's Moon lander
The bad news: AAA does not send tow trucks to the Moon.




Heroes of the Stupid

L.A.'s Head of Homelessness resigned after a 33% increase in people sleeping on the streets.  They expected him to hit at least 50%.

Kamala Harris is out of the democratic race for president. If she continued, she'd have to spend her own money. I'm serious.



SJWery

One huge drawback of nuclear power is that it doesn't dismantle systems of oppression - it only produces clean energy.   Next up: how air is racist


I left Greta Thunberg alone. The situation needed to simmer a bit. And sure enough, it germinated and grew an SJW:

After all, the climate crisis is not just about the environment. It is a crisis of human rights, of justice, and of political will. Colonial, racist, and patriarchal systems of oppression have created and fueled it. We need to dismantle them all.


San Diego State University launched an online portal for reporting incidents that include "messages of bias."  They also launched a "free speech" website, where students can learn about their First Amendment rights.  Strangely, there are some clashes between the two.

The Abominable Snow Span

I don't understand it and I never will.
If I have a late work conference at home, Marshall will invariably have to go outside. I don't know if it's my boss' voice or a stock market fluctuation, but the moment the meeting starts, he appears and starts literally whining to go outside. This is naturally followed by the shrieking and howling to come back in. If I didn't mute my phone, they'd think I was torturing an animal.

• Two of the largest Denial Of Service attacks ever occurred recently. DOS is when you point so much traffic at a server, it can't get data in or out. These attacks were made possible by a helpful service run on the server. How can an external bastard use this service? The people who set up the server left this service available to the internet. It's bad enough that normal people have to set things up correctly with no knowledge or help... these are the professionals, who are supposed to know.
• The professionals don't read this blog and therefore don't know about lefty's law: Don't. Don't open that email, don't click on that link, don't leave anything in the default configuration, don't use stupid passwords. This law applies to absolutely anything and everything from home users to top tier experts. The key here is called default deny. Deny absolutely everything on the server internet access. Only allow absolutely needed ports (services and channels). If you don't know this, as a professional, you aren't a professional and have no business near a server or security functions.

According to an IBM study, millennials put less effort into traditional password hygiene than older generations.

"Dude... passwords are so.... hard, man."

It's 2018 - buck up, you lazy shits. There is no excuse for laziness or refusal to consider security. Don't tell me you're Cyber-Stupid to make me do it for you. Don't tell me you don't understand or it's above your level or you can't learn nothin on Tuesdays. Older folks have had enough time to learn how to do things. Younger folks grew up with computers. There is no longer any excuse.

• The Department of Homeland Security, the agency tasked with securing the nation, “could protect its information and systems more fully and effectively,” according to a damning new report from the Office of the Inspector General. 
• The agency "protecting us" isn't protecting itself. Such is the quality of the Homeland Security concept. A perfect example of Security Theater.
• You have to admit that the tragic events of 9-11 spawned a new era in government expansion, personal restrictions, spying, and alleged protection of the masses/homeland.
• Are you mad yet?

Today's social commentary doesn't need much in the way of commentary...

College librarians argue Christians who say 'God bless you' are Islamophobic.

• "Don't follow the crowd, let the crowd follow you."  - Margaret Thatcher 
• she stole that from us!  - Apple

Tarrant County, Texas, has a unique aid to keep things going in the courtroom: a stun belt. This marvel of technology delivers 50,000 volts to the defendant, should he become unruly. A judge used it to 'convince' a defendant to answer questions after he refused.

WHAT?

A higher court found that stun belts cannot be used as punishment in court.

Guilty until proven innocent.

Unreasonable punishment.

Assault.

Sheer stupidity and violation of laws by someone who is supposed to be judging innocence or guilt.

The other side of this is that the defendant is using these technicalities to get out of a charge of "soliciting sexual performance from a child."

The man has rights, just like you and me. Aside from the belief that convicted child molesters should be put to death, psychologists state that they cannot be rehabilitated (like cigarette smokers).

• Amazon confirms some Alexa devices are randomly laughing and says it's working on a fix, after multiple users posted about it on social media.
• If there's any random evil laughter in my house, I better be the one producing it.

On National Womens Day, we celebrate the fairer sex.

I don't think everyone appreciates what women have to go through on normal days... the female host of a program was talking to another woman about the show's topic. She was bent forward, exposing her cleavage. All men in the viewing area instantly leaned forward and became completely focused. To make matters worse, they were thinking that the interview should cease and the program focus on her breasts. This is disrespectful and downright rude.

And I promise not to do it again.

In all seriousness, I try to celebrate women every day. They are truly the greatest gift to humanity.

• This blind lady is walking along, dog beside her, and says good morning to someone else on the sidewalk. How does she know? That dog must be pretty well-trained if he tells her it's Bob.

The Demons of Hell are back

It's been a very quiet, level week. That should've been my first clue.
Because of my wife's conditions, she does not function every day of the week. This week has been particularly non-functional, which probably has some relationship to it being a very quiet, level week.

The second thing I heard this morning was, "the mortgage company took out double payments." Why yes, they did, completely hosing the checking account. The first 'customer service' person said there's nothing she could do.  Gee, thanks. That was helpful. Is this still being recorded for customer service purposes? The second customer service person was actually serviceable, giving us a clue.

Follow along with me a minute... the bank, which processes electronic payments in microseconds, can't arrange to have the mortgage company void a payment. We have to go there, get a letter, Return Receipt it to the mortgage company, which will then light a fire, put on their ceremonial steer heads and loincloths, and dance merrily. This has absolutely nothing to do with our payments; they just like to do this on Fridays. The letter will then go to their Yeah Right Department, where they will Get Right On It. They will then have to call the bank, but not during their ceremonial celebration. This whole thing should take less than a month, and we won't have to pay $900 in bounced check fees when the dancing stops.

And it's a wonderful thing that I happen to have a check to deposit, so we can do boring shit, like buy dog food and, heaven forbid, people food.

Have I mentioned the medicines yet? The nobel laureates at my wife's doctor's office have to call her medicine in. Of course they didn't, in spite of three calls confirming it and sending them reminders via smoke signals and the bat phone. If you can get a human on the phone at all, it will be one with an accent so thick you can cut the clouds over my house with it. They agreed, again, to call in the prescription. Due to Congress and the lobbying power of insurers and Big Pharma, we never know how much this one prescription is going to cost. In January, it's $400. In February it's $300. It tends to migrate and wander a lot, like my single atom of patience. At least the copays can be proven to exist, unlike my patience.

OOPS -  I don't have $400 on me - it's in the bank. Correction - it WAS in the bank.  Hey, how about that money I got back from lending it out? Yeah - here it is! This is another example of what happens when I get money. It goes away. ZOOM. If I make the mistake of physically touching it, it goes away faster. It's that old Money Tease... it lets me touch it, feel it, smell it, caress it, then it's GONE. Poof!  I am not making this up or exaggerating.. this is what happens. If, for some strange reason, I am allowed to keep any more than $50, something will pop up that requires it.  If I don't manage to spend it immediately, the next day will bring another Urgent Need.

I'm told all the money will be returned to me.
Sure it will.
If there's anything left.
And if I get any money back - BLAMMO - something else will quickly come along that desperately needs it.

Since it's a snow day, I'm home, working on some intensive tasks.
Wife tells me she's going to clear the car because she has yet another doctor appointment. If she doesn't have at least three appointments per week, she feels lost. Since she's been in bed most of the week with a bad back, I suggest that cleaning snow from a car might not be the best choice of activities. No, off she goes. We do not learn from our mistakes around here - we insist on repeating them every time.

Five minutes later she reappears with a broom, breathing heavily, to tell me it's too much. Can I do it?  OF COURSE I can do it. Nothing I ever do is so important that I can't stop what I'm doing immediately and deal with the emergencies of other people. Even if I'm in the midst of something important - no problem. I used to have a sign on my desk that said "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." The boss' wife wrote on it "Yes it does". She's a smart lady.

Being furious has its advantages.. I hammered my entire arm on the snow and it broke into city-sized pieces and rolled off the car. Then she gave me the broom and I wedged it under the mounds to get more snow off. OOPS - the aluminum-ish broom BENT in half.

At this point you're probably wondering, as I am, what I did to offend some old lady with two teeth in a cave somewhere. Or perhaps I harpooned an Inuit in the process of clubbing a baby seal. Ran over a nun?

This also begs the question of how to reverse the curse. Do I have to give the old lady $20,000 in hundred dollar bills so she can burn it? Send a shipment of fresh baby seals to Alaska? Make a generous contribution to the nunnery?



But it ain't over yet, no sir.

At the pharmacy, my medicine wasn't ready. Why? I went to pick it up a few days ago and there were no refills - they were calling the doctor. This morning they looked quizzically at my wife and said no one had called. They gave me a few to hold me over.

I got a work email.
Up top it said "what are we going to do about lefty?"  This is no surprise to me, as people have been asking that question for most of my life.  Apparently my boss had ordered software for the entire department by name. Everybody got installed except me. The request very clearly had "leftystrat" listed along with everyone else; even the sight-impaired could figure this out. Yet nothing. Perhaps we've inadvertently discovered the invisible ink of computers! We can all type my name, but the minute it leaves the computer, it turns invisible and you need a special decoder ring to see it. Unfortunately, all the decoder rings vanished when they threw out all the records incriminating the company in a lawsuit I cannot talk about. By mistake, of course. So no one actually knows I exist, outside of my department and hopefully payroll.

This all occurred before 10am.

In the midst of a much-needed nap, I got a call (because I only get calls when I'm sleeping). My beloved had cleaned out the car. And my medicine was in a trash can at Lowes, with the rest of the trash from the car. My eyes hurt because they were both trying to look at each other. She hurried back to discover that Lowes is a very clean organization, having dumped the can 30 minutes ago.


I have two modes: Level, and OMFG, THE CHECKING ACCOUNT CRASHED AND EVERYTHING'S BOUNCING.
Although too much Level would be boring, what would be the harm in the middle of the two extremes?


Every now and then I get a tiny pleasant surprise. This comes in the form of the sweet nectar of validation. Completely out of the blue, someone will say, "Wow. You guys really have way more than your share of crap."  We freeze. We process. We take a deep breath. And sometimes we feel so good.


I ask for so little, and that's exactly what I get.

• A type of ice not known to be present on earth was recently discovered inside a diamond. It is referred to as ice-VII and is about 1.5 times as dense as the stuff we put in our glasses, ice-I. Next year they plan on discovering ice-VIII, and the following year it's Return of Ice-II, starring water-I.

PELOSI WATCH

On Ru Paul's Drag Race, Nancy Pelosi said politicians could learn from drag queens. If I were a DNC bigwig, I'd quietly insist this woman "retire". The House Minority Leader goes on a tv show where men compete to see who looks best in women's clothes.  Her retirement should be announced today because next week she's competing in a swimsuit contest. She thinks it's the Miss America contest and is working on her weightlifting skills.

The People's Republic of California Speaks:

A coffee shop in Oakland is refusing to serve law enforcement officers for the "physical and emotional safety of our customers and ourselves. We need support of the actual community to keep this place safe, not police." 

Coffee shop workers did not respond to requests for comment on the policy, but a post on their Instagram account showed a photo with writing in Spanish that says, "Talk to your neighbors, not the police."

Of course they're well within their rights to refuse service to anyone and I support that.  I just wonder who they're going to call when the place gets robbed or has an issue with a very irate customer. I have an inkling that the police will be slightly more welcome should this occur. But they will still have to pay for their coffee - it's the principle.

With A Bullet

California's bullet train, that would connect San Francisco and Los Angeles, is now estimated to cost $77.3 billion, an increase of $13 billion, and could go as high as $98.1 billion. What's a few billion between friends? 

• In Pennsylvania, a family was saved when their cat alerted them to a fire. They became concerned when the cat acted strangely. How could they tell?

Just remember: Julia Roberts' hair costs more than your yearly salary.

• United Airlines has absolutely gone out of their way to top any news story about anything they ever did to any of their passengers, including the one they physically dragged off the plane.  United, who hired Hitler's public relations company, forced a passenger to put her dog in the overhead bin. The dog died.
• There are no words for this abject, criminal stupidity.
• And I will get in trouble when I suggest putting screaming children up there.

RIP Steven Hawking.
The man was a thinker. He was also somewhat of a medical paradox, in that he lived so long with his disorder.

News of his passing came from Reddit, in spades.
Reddit did not disappoint. Within minutes, there were bad jokes and memes. You have to give credit to the forward-thinking people whose immediate response is to get out the horrid jokes and fire up the meme-makers. I have to keep reminding myself to do this, but the thought process isn't burned into my skull as yet. In addition to the already delightful black humor, there was at least one conspiracy theory; that Professor Hawking died a long time ago and was replaced by at least one stand-in. This is claimed because of the pictures looking a little different over the years, with the newer ones looking younger than the older ones. I'm not touching this with a ten foot pole.

In Passing/Passed/Whatever

My grandparents were great people.

As the first grandchild, I could do wrong. I'm told my grandfather would screw up and call other grandchildren lefty.

Looking back, nowhere did this matter more than when I was five and my father died.

As I got older, I isolated myself from family. An uncle told me that one should treasure family. Since I'm always right, I ignored him. But who did I call when I got my first IT job? My grandmother.  She was very proud of me, especially because I was an unschooled, self-made IT geek. She told me in her own unique way.... "I'm so proud of you. You've come so far with nothing." To this day we laugh.

I could've been a much better grandson; I live with this always.

My grandfather passed early from Alzheimers.

The entire family went north for my grandmother's 94th birthday. That was all she wanted: she passed shortly after.

This is the first time I've written the whole thing out. 

My uncle was right: family is important. Cherish what you have. 

Hopefully they read blogs wherever they went.

I miss them terribly.

Fred Astaire Reads This Blog

Actually there's no way to tell whether he does or does not. I'm going to err on the side of caution and let you know I'm making it up, lest I hear from his estate. Again.

• ThermionicEmissions is researching this: there is a report that Uber has a $63 helicopter option. Of course we don't use Uber due to tracking, location, and other nefarious actions, but isn't this interesting?

No, Dear, I did not sleep with that woman. It was the Russians.

• So there's the Crazy Lady next door, who has a hotline to the township, for reporting our suspected transgressions of The Rules.  She's having some sort of little rocks put on her property somewhere, and some of them fell onto our drive and walkway. I may need to call the township. This is clearly unreasonable and harassment.

Do you have an HP computer?  Check for this file: C:\Windows\System32\MicTray64.exe or C:\Windows\System32\MicTray.exe. If you have one of these, rename or delete it immediately. When that's done, look for C:\Users\Public\MicTray.log and delete it immediately. No one is taking blame for this yet, but this driver software, direct from HP, is a keylogger; it keeps a record of every key you type in the MicTray.log file. Every key. Passwords, financial, whatever.  It does not appear malicious at the time - more like bad programming on the part of the developer (Conexant). The log is deleted when you reboot, but can be used by many processes while running.

The program is an audio driver. When you rename or delete, it's possible that special keyboard keys will not work, which is the actual function of this driver.

This file will not show up if you're running linux [rim shot], as I do, on your HP computer.

• The US is about to announce a ban on laptops on carryon baggage on flights from the UK and Europe.  As in all cases of Security Theater<tm>, it appears baseless. Ignoring the people who are pissed off they can't use their own gear on a plane, any alleged explosives would cause just as big a problem in the cargo hold. Plus laptops are 'sniffed' at the checkpoint (mine was wiped with a swab and the TSA fellow told me they were looking for traces of explosives. I told him he'd get dog hair and that was it). Is this ok with you?
• Speaking of airports, Trump sped up the Facial Recognition program, where you will be scanned at all airports in the US eventually. This man is starting to become a hazard. Some would say he already was.

College costs getting you down? The University of Arizona is hiring "social justice activists" to "report any bias incidents or claims to appropriate Residence Life staff." Yes, the microaggression micromanagers can now get paid in something more than smug self-satisfaction. I predict an increase in the number of heads in toilets (swirlies) as this program gets underway. The sickening details are here.

Pressure Cooking

Today's hottest  gift: Schroedinger's Pressure Cooker. It's a pressure cooker that's sealed, so there could be very unpleasant material inside or not.

Nancy Pelosi (D-Hell) has called for sensible pressure cooker legislation. Also a waiting period for the purchase of pressure cookers.

• Remember the exploding Samsung phone battery that allegedly set some guy's car on fire?  Firefighters determined that the phone was not the cause of the fire, although they're not sure what was the cause of the fire. It's kinda like pressure cooker bombs: when they explode, no one knows what they are, but they're sure it's not terrorism.

Our good friends and "protectors" at DHS let hundreds of illegal immigrants from dangerous countries become citizens because they neglected to check their fingerprints. Two of them got jobs at secure areas of airports.  Do you feel protected yet?  Once again, Security Theater.

• Kellogg has recalled around 10,000 cases of Eggo Nutri-Grain Whole Wheat Waffles in 25 states including New York that could be tainted with the bacteria listeria. The recall will affect no one, because who the hell would eat whole wheat waffles?

We've been hearing about the many benefits of turmeric lately, from depression to cancer. Someone actually did a study on it. Very interesting results..

• The Kaepernick protest is spreading to high schools, where students are refusing to stand for the national anthem. The NFL previously decreed that, in order to avoid conflict, their players will do The Wave during the anthem. Unfortunately, some sat out the Wave. Some 'took a knee,' which was stopped when the atheists poured Gatorade on them. Reportedly, next week, Kaepernick will nail himself to a cross during the anthem, on national tv. Not to be ignored, the cheerleaders of both teams will come together in a rare show of unity and launch fireworks out of their buttocks.
• I think the only true way to handle this, aside from sitting down and shutting up, is for both teams to blow themselves up. This way we won't have to deal with football any longer, the fans get a great fireworks show, and the problem takes care of itself.
• Your mileage may vary. Any recovered body parts are property of the NFL and may not be used without its expressed written permission.
• BREAKING NEWS: Kaepernick is now dead, replaced by the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie divorce. This will mask any real issues for weeks at very least!

Hackers have taken over a Tesla while it was moving. They got into the car's web browser (because all cars need a web browser) and obtained control of the car. Now let's face it, owning a Tesla will not be a problem for most people reading this blog, but don't think this kind of control isn't coming to Normal Cars soon.

• A Muslim refugee boat captain threw six Christians to their death because he blamed them for the rough seas. History has seen Christians do some pretty unsavory things but I'd hazard a guess that if they're on a refugee boat, they in fact have very little control over the weather. Even if they're not on a refugee boat. But let's not blame the Muslim- it's his culture.

"It's on because I'm waiting for my program to come on in a few minutes," which was my wife's excuse for the appearance of Dancing with the Stars on our tv. Since I don't have a DWTS filter for the tv, it proceeded to interrupt my surfing (laptop and couch-sitting). It's even worse than I thought. 

• Hell Update: work has mandated the use of iDevices. It was delivered the other day and, as I thought, it burned my skin. The advice from everyone up the chain was to leave it in its box. Since I require one feature of the device, this is not possible. We switched from Crappy Old Phones because iDevices could perform some feat not available in the Crappy Old Phones. The iDevice features this feat, but fails on one other, very important, area.
• To its credit, it started right up. And that's about it.
• Perhaps knowing how I feel about it, I can get no further with the alleged phone. In fact, nobody on two helpdesks or even Live Humans can make the thing work.
• I went Right To The Top, to the email administrator of the Whole Shebang. He's out for the week, perhaps the month.
• Some genius Up Top one day decided we need to use these infernal devices. No testing, no documentation, no training, no luck. Just GET IT DONE. As you'd imagine, everybody under this genius, which would be everybody in the entire company, is suffering for it. And did I mention that it has to be done within the next three days?
• So aside from the fact that my phone doesn't work and I can't get email, the job is looking up. The interesting part of all of this is that nothing is out of the norm.
• BUT WAIT!!! It gets better... in order to make my Work Phone work, I have to enter my Personal Credit Card. This is not Work-this is Apple. F-ing ridiculous. The Stupid - It Hurts....
• If Apple is trying to recruit me or even just get me to use its products, it's not doing a wonderful job. I'd rather have a Samsung and take my chances with it spontaneously combusting.

I have a very useful pair of bluetooth headphones with a mic. They actually take a while to power up - I suspect they have tiny little tubes inside them, which need to warm up before the bluetooth is ready.

• In case you're keeping score, like me, at work: I can't get email at my desk, my phone doesn't work, and no one can install any programs remotely, least of all me. Aside from that, it's a great place to work.

Ahmad Khan Rahami, charged with the New York and New Jersey bombings was found to have jihad videos on his YouTube account, as well as Judge Judy videos. I'd string him up for the Judge Judy videos alone.

Please, nooooooooo!!!!

Great Groping News, Batman!

A school bus driver, recently convicted of groping girls on his bus, blamed caffeine for causing the groping.

This may explain a lot for me.  I drink a lot of coffee and soda and feel like groping women all the time.


As if we haven't turned enough of our lives over to our good friends at the TSA, it has been announced that airport screeners may request drink samples (after they're done groping you, presumably).

But only at the exits of airport bars.


Lawyers have already drafted 13,000 pages of new regulations on Obamacare.

The government expands again.  And again, at our expense.


It's Day Six of the power outage and there are still half a million without power.

If my department's disaster plan were this non-existent, we'd all be fired.  What would happen during a real tragedy?




Big Sis Strikes Again!  If you love liberty, the Department of Homeland Security considers you a terrorist.

Oh dear.. now all of my readers and I share that designation....



But today's BEST news is that July 9 is NATIONAL NO BRA DAY!
Please celebrate accordingly.  And send pictures.

9/11 - The Elephant in the Country

Obligatory Where Were You

I was working, the same place in which I still toil.  A coworker came into our office and said a plane had crashed into one of the towers.  Odd, I thought...

Shortly thereafter, the same fellow came in and said it happened again, this time to the other tower.

I wanted this to be explicable.  I wanted this to make sense.

Back at that time, online video wasn't what it is today.  I looked for some streaming network coverage.

After the towers fell, I was physically ill.  There was simply no precedent for this.

When the planes were ordered grounded, I thought to call my brother, the pilot.  I was overjoyed when he answered immediately.  He was one of the thousands of pilots on the ground with very few options for parking, but perfectly fine.

As I tried to fill up on news, a little voice kept telling me something wasn't right.  It was a tiny voice, which I mostly ignored.  Work dismissed early and I took full advantage, listening to the news on the car ride home.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

----------

• FACT:  There were numerous reports of another plane in the air.
• FACT: The newspapers following the Kennedy assassination had a full biography of Lee Harvey Oswald, as if it were prepared in advance.  Osama bin Laden was named the instigator of 9/11 within minutes of the buildings falling.
• FACT:  Bush claimed Weapons of Mass Destruction, yet there were none.  When questioned, he said, "So what?"
• FACT:  Enlistment in the armed forces went through the roof.
• FACT:  Not one single enlistee was `fighting for our freedoms'.  This doesn't mean they weren't brave or shouldn't be honored.  It is simply disingenuous.
• FACT:  The Pentagon is one of the most highly surveilled buildings and areas in the nation.  The FBI went around impounding all surveillance footage.  Where is it?
• FACT:  Regardless of what you believe hit the Pentagon, the five or so frames of video released certainly don't help anyone to reach a conclusion.
• FACT:  In spite of a national grounding, a Saudi aircraft was allowed to fly.
• FACT:  The `dancing Israelis' with the moving company van were allowed to leave the country after it was discovered they were Mossad.
• FACT:  A twin towers janitor heard and felt large explosions before the plane hit
• FACT:  Larry Silverstein, owner of the towers, gave the order to `pull' Building Seven
• FACT:  Building Seven fell just like the twin towers, yet was never hit by a plane and had no serious fires inside.
• FACT:  The BBC reported Building Seven's collapse twenty minutes before it fell. 
• FACT:  jet fuel does not burn at a temperature sufficient to melt or slice through steel.
• FACT:  There was molten steel for weeks in the place where the towers used to be. 
• FACT:  Traces of the explosive thermite were found all over the place. 
• FACT:  Building Seven was completely ignored by the 9/11 Commission.
• FACT:  Bush would only testify for the 9/11 Commission off-the-record.
• FACT:  Over 1500 architects and engineers dispute the government's account of how the buildings came down.
• FACT:  the 9/11 Commission admits they never got all the facts.
• FACT:  Bush grew the federal government more than any of his predecessors.
• FACT:  Obama outdid Bush in the first few months in office.
• FACT:  Cheney was repeatedly advised on the approach of the Pentagon plane.  When the plane was fifty miles out, the lieutenant asked if the orders still stood.  Cheney barked `Of course the orders still stand, have you heard anything to the contrary!?'
• FACT:  Before and after 9/11, Air Force response to stray planes was rapid.  Why was it nonexistent on that day? 
• FACT:  Bush and Obama used the event to great advantage, starting numerous wars.  Congress sat mute, then did what they were told. 
• FACT:  the Patriot Act was ready suspiciously quickly, signed immediately, and not read by many.
• FACT:  There is a special room in AT&T's San Francisco headquarters where all of the voice and data is mirrored to the NSA.  While this is the only one we know of, rest assured all large carriers have these rooms.
• FACT:  The government has used 9/11 as an excuse to spy on its own people and ramp up a surveillance state.  Those who would trade liberty for security deserve neither.
• FACT:  Flying has been made ridiculously difficult by the TSA (of the DHS), which forces us to not lock luggage, not carry liquid, not carry scissors, take our shoes off, and submit to a form of legalized rape.  
• TSA goes by a No Fly List, which we cannot access or correct when it is wrong, including congresscritters.
• FACT:  The TSA introduced full body scanners, which they claimed were safe (and not privacy-invasive).  They lied on both counts.
• FACT:  The TSA is expanding to trains.
• FACT:  the TSA is denying entry to Canadians with mental health issues.
• FACT:  the CIA is in newsrooms, the NYPD is working with the CIA, the SFPD is working for Apple, and the NYPD now has its own army and navy.
• FACT:  the official story of 9/11 is a conspiracy theory!
• WIDELY HELD OPINION:  We are no more safe today than before 9/11.

Whenever you need to find the genesis of a project, follow the money.

Ask yourself who benefits:

• The government has expanded exponentially, mostly in the Department of Homeland Security and related areas.
• The military/indistrial complex certainly seems to be the recipient of frightening sums of our dollars.

Ask yourself who loses:

• our brave, dead soldiers and families
• our wallets
• our Constitution

We Say Night, DHS Insists Day

Matt Drudge, and by extension, Alex Jones, are apparently doing something right.  They might not even know it yet, but they are.  I know it because I just read that Homeland Security Secretary Janet 'Privacy for Lunch' Napolitano is upset at them.

Why, you ask, is Napolitano upset?  Because of Drudge's characterization of her as an ogre and the nickname chosen for her (Big Sis).  Janet says that Drudge is just plain wrong in his claims that DHS is spying too much.  And Hitler was not anti-semitic.

You know you're doing well when you start to appear on their radar publicly.  Rest assured he's on their radar privately.  It's when they start commenting publicly that we notice things are changing.  This blog got a comment from the TSA's public relations people a while back.

The Homeland Security chief called privacy concerns "overblown" and offered praise for the proliferation of surveillance cameras in some big U.S. cities.

These are the scary ones, folks.  The ones who look you right in the eye and tell you they're not stealing from you (as their hands are in your pockets).  

10 Facts That Prove Big Sis Is Wrong, Drudge Is Right

Remember:  Homeland Security isn't.  The Partiot Act wasn't.  

Take the name of a program and turn it around to get a better understanding.

As for Alex Jones, he's worth a listen.  Drudge got turned on to Jones a short time ago and has been running some of his headlines.  You can catch Jones via his website, GCN radio, and even shortwave radio.  He's a bit over-the-top but he usually has the real news long before (or instead of) the others.