Anvils Alfredo in Auckland

 

Your love is like  douche cookies

 RIP Uhura - Nichelle Nichols dead at 89

Hailing frequencies closed for 24 hours, in her honor 

Today I identify as  Cousin Itt

Shopping Shenanigans 

they got everything except the condoms

What kind of sex are they having?

At the supermarket, I watched a guy pull out five carts to find one that meets his specifications. Retarded carts aside, the internal voices were screaming, "OCD, OCD!" but then the voices stopped. I realized this is the guy I want managing the national debt. He'd have it down to nothing in no time.

Alice Cooper (Vincent Furnier) lives in Scottsdale, AZ, and when not on tour, plays a lot of golf. What kind of rock star life is golf? Think about it: Ted Nugent shoots stuff, Zakk Wylde eats babies, Ozzy has to contend with his family... Alice plays golf. It seems there's just nothing left to believe in.

Uvalde School District Claims It Doesn't Possess Video Taken Day of School Shooting

It seems too silly to call this a coverup. More like a calamity of incompetence. First they didn't want to release the video, now there is no video. This is a disgrace to those lost and their families. It also means there's some gross incompetence here.

Google Maps added a tag to identify Asian-owned businesses. Before your group gets its panties in a knot, there are existing tags for women-led businesses, veteran, black, and Latino. What is women-led? Who owns it?

In any case, Google has been petitioned for several additional tags

• women-owned homes - displaying every one of them
• women-led homes - just do what she says, ok?
• businesses with over 75% left handed employees
• one-armed-owner businesses
• one testicle-owner businesses
• stores that don't vacuum as often as they should
• owner has a mustache (does not specify male or female)
• Asians that identify as black businesses
• owners that have been to the ER at least once for an accident involving their rectum

So Houston has a gun buyback. This is a bizarre concept by which the locals are encouraged to bring in their guns for money. This is a strange instance of magic thinking, under which crime will go down if innoced ent people bring in their guns. Some enterprising person made 3D guns and earned himself $3,000; the only true winner that day.

In the Parkland school shooting trial, the judge gave the jurors instructions on behavior at the school, which they're about to visit. She asked if there were any questions. I would have asked if, when the trial is over, Judge Hottie would like to join me for ice cream and Things. This may be why I keep getting turned down for jury duty.

If you keep getting picked, you can always buy the new Charlie Manson Jury Duty Avoidance Kit!

Yes, if you're just an average citizen and want to get out of jury duty (without yelling "GUILTY - HANG THE N*GGER"), you can use the subtle tactics contained in the Kit, such as

• stick on swastika for your forehead
• "I put the squeaky in Fromme"  t-shirt
• "Piggies must die" t-shirt
• phrases like: "Kill the rich", "But I am Jesus," "Of course I'd kill them all again, given the chance," and "Got a knife sharpener? This one can barely stab a pregnant woman."

Yes, kids, pick up your very own Charles Manson Jury Duty Avoidance Kit today.

Not available in stores! Not available on the internet! Not available at all!

• Why is it called the clap?

I think the waiting period for marriage should exceed the waiting period for a gun. One is lethal, the other can shoot people.

Equifax software bug messed up credit score calculations for weeks

Ooh, this is gonna be another serious slap on the wrist.

Inflating spider corpse creates robotic claw game of nightmares

An hour after pigs’ deaths, an artificial system restored cellular life

It's the fscking zombie apocalypse!  

Queensland shooting: Three killed on remote Australian property

That's impossible - they are not allowed to own guns.

China fires missiles near Taiwan after Pelosi visit

They should try to target their targets before they move.

just sayin.....

Shell staff get profits bonus as energy bills soar

Irony reared its ugly head today, when Shell staff could not afford their own gas.

The president tested positive for the Flying AIDS again.

He said it likes him so much, it came back. His approval rating with Covid is higher than the American people. 

 

We Need Commonsense Truck Laws

It was a fine morning.
The wife had taken off at some unearthly time to take the parents to the airport. They were flying to somewhere (allegedly) warm.* It was so early, she had to scrape ice off the windows.
Back home, I had to get the trash out before the trucks did their parade down the block. Fortunately they didn't have their marching music blasting from the trucks this morning. The Crazy Lady was peering out her spyhole front window, shaking her head disapprovingly, as her trash goes out three seconds after the Minimum Allowable Time strikes the previous day.

Running late, I looked down at Marshall, who looked up, expectantly.
Ah yes, The Dance of the Medicines.
As you know, he isn't very good with taking his pills, depending on your definition of good. He has figured out all manner of not taking his pills, worse than a psych patient in a locked ward. We have tried all sorts of hiding places, like peanut butter, cheesecake, lunchmeat, tuna loaf, Tastykakes, and whatever else is around. This week we're back to turkey. I carefully roll the pill in turkey and present it to His Highness. He quickly sniffs it and gobbles it (sorry). I notice the chewing isn't at his usual rate, which signals Shenanigans. Not hearing the pill drop on the floor (he spits them out while eating the lunchmeat), I turned to give him another pill and there he sat, pill attached to the side of his mouth. Now if you're a black dog, you should probably not hide your white pills on the side of your face. Yes, he's smarter than we are, but according to science, he sees black and white.. perhaps some color.

Running later, it was time for breakfast. No, not mine - his.
Marshall gave up dog food a while ago. As he is doing his best to train his parents, he hasn't had to touch the stuff since. I guess it's not so bad - the stuff costs more than our food, plus we know what he's getting. Unfortunately there was none of it about, so I went with the No Fail Option: tuna. Or as he prefers, "Smells Like Cat Food." Never a problem with tuna. It comes in its own juices too, which drives him nuts (further).

Then it was time for my pills. There's the one to prevent diving under the desk and sitting there for the rest of the day. The other one to counteract the side effects of the one that prevents diving under the desk. The most disgusting pill known to man: vitamin B. I've seen people willingly choose the stuff they give to prisoners with a death sentence over vitamin B.  Then there's the pill that keeps me off the mail lady. The postmaster was very clear about this, so I try not to miss any.

It's not that my wife takes a lot of pills, but the pharmacy truck pulls up after the mail lady leaves.

• All we hear about these days is the opioid crisis. I mention this because the dog takes a non-opioid, very mild pain reliever. Recently we discovered that the Mother In Law also takes this pill. Mother In Law was very unhappy to discover that the dog's dosage is higher than hers and is on the phone to the doctor now.
• As for the Great Opioid Crisis of 2017, a presidential order will result in further chasing of our tails and, importantly, genuinely sick people not being able to get their pain medication. Remember the signs on the pharmacies that said "We do not carry Oxycontin"?

We cannot go a few days without Internet of Things news, and today's is a real winner. LG has a Smart Vacuum. Yes, you read that right. For the bargain price of $549, you get a vacuum that streams video to a smart app on your phone.  The problem is that an attacker can intercept the video, hack the account, and 'gain control of the device'. While it might sound like someone else doing the vacuuming, it could allow access to the home network. So someone can look around your house. 

There are patches to secure the device, but these depend on the vacuum owner having the latest version of the app. What are the odds.....? By the way, over 400,000 of these vacuums have been sold. We're just asking for it. 

Back in my days of customer service, I was taught that when I say NO, I should offer an alternate solution. Well, I left customer service because I hate people, but I want to help. What I'm going to do is keep my house just like its owner: dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. I managed to use vacuums all my life that didn't have a video system that streamed to my phone. You did too. My vacuum is not required to see, as that's a function I can handily perform. My tv does not need to listen to me or send details of what I watch to the manufacturer. My toaster does not need to communicate with anything, other than to tell me when my toast is done (DING). I can survive without my fridge showing me what's in it and telling me what I need to buy at the store.

It's not that I can't see the value of certain smart appliances. A friend has his tv set up through his network and can control it with his voice. Another talks to his Google box, which gives him handy answers to questions and reminds him of things. That's pretty cool... this is the future we read about. What we didn't read about was the technology spying on us and hackers taking over our home network. It's your choice.

• Because of all the ship incidents recently, the Navy has made sweeping changes, including improved training for sailors. 
• Do. Not. Hit. Other. Ship.

China and the US signed an agreement not to hack each others private sector companies for commercial gain in 2015. After the signing, hacking dropped ninety percent. This is really an accomplishment, except that the intrusions haven't entirely stopped; the Crap Cleaner malware left signs that China was involved. 

Taken on its own, an agreement not to hack private sector companies kinda willingly pushes aside the small matter of hacking government systems. 

Mom... Russia is looking at all our files.
Yes, Dear, but they've agreed to ignore files on regular people's computers.

• Tenth graders in California (where else?) are being taught that their sex partner must say 'yes' every ten minutes or it's rape.
• Omitted from this all-encompassing piece of knowledge is what to do when you have multiple partners at the same time.
• Also missing is whether 'oh my God' is an affirmation.
• Who reports the 'rape' if the partner waited til eleven minutes to say 'yes'?
• Do both partners have to do the Rape Dance afterwards, if any laws were broken?
• Can't the president just build The Wall around California?

Parents: you're doing a great job by monitoring your kids' internet use, on their phone, computer, and tv. Unfortunately, the Circle with Disney program you're using has been found to have twenty two vulnerabilities. You're still practicing good parenting, though... instead of monitoring, you're teaching your children to hack. This is a very valuable skill in the 2010s.

• Because you're an aspiring linux guru, here's 3 tools to help you remember linux commands.

Apple will share face-mapping data from the iPhoneX with third-party app developers. Although not as alarming as the headline sounds, this is bad news.

• There's a lawsuit. Yes, there's always a lawsuit, but this one's a winner: a woman is suing Sephora (it's a makeup store, guys) because one of their lipstick samplers gave her herpes. No word on whether the sampler was called Ron and if it was applied in the back room.

Hold onto your hats, kids.... an independent Special Committee has cleared four Equifax executives, including the CFO, of insider trading, after they sold shares just before a major data breach was revealed. Yes, there may be more facts in evidence of which we are not aware, but please... the selloff occurred over a few days, right after they discovered the breach (a month before it was made public). Let me phrase it differently: if you or I had done this, we wouldn't have internet access in jail.

• Offshore law firm Appleby got hacked recently and the hacker dumped an awful lot of information for everyone to see. Yeah, yeah, another breach, it's Monday. Wanna hear a few bits of information?
• secret financial dealings between commerce secretary Ross and a Russian firm part-run by Putin's son-in-law
• millions of dollars of investment in Facebook and Twitter from Russian state companies
• Yes, I like to watch things burn sometimes.. especially when information like this comes to light. They're dirty all the way up to the top.

Energy Drink for Mondays

If you downloaded the great Windows program CCleaner between August 15 and September 12 (version 5.33), you probably got an 'altered' version, including malware. The malware took an inventory of your system, uploaded it to a server, and included the capability of downloading viruses. There is no evidence that it downloaded anything and the malware only runs on 32 bit versions of Windows. To find out whether you have 32 or 64 bit Windows, hit START, then right click on computer. Halfway down, under System type, it will tell you.

If you got version 5.33, download 5.34, which will detect and clean the system. You would not be infected if you used a previous version and just ran updates. Piriform, which makes CCleaner, was purchased by Avast, which makes antivirus.  The malware was found to have infected a list of corporations only.

• Here's your yearly reminder to NOT let your browser remember your passwords. If it knows your passwords, anyone who sits at your computer knows them too. Unless you live in a bank vault, with no family and no pets smart enough to use the computer, go ahead and type the password in please.

Here's some comforting news: do you know why no one has shot down any of the North Korean test missiles? Because they can't. In spite of $320 billion spent on missile defense systems, it's a coin toss on a good day.

• To no one's surprise, or everyone's surprise, the (good) neighbor's construction project continues. It's interesting to note that nothing coming from that house or yard makes a sound. Not a peep at all.. until the other day, when Loud Construction Company showed up. Today's noise started late in the afternoon.  The best way to describe it is a basketball game, but instead of basketballs, they're bouncing sledgehammers. This was followed in short order by the rotary saw on concrete noise. It sounded almost as good as trying to saw an old Volkswagen Bug (as opposed to a new Volkswagen Bug) in half.  
• An hour later, when the Bug was finally in two pieces, the Industrial Leaf Blower noise began.  The Industrial Leaf Blower noise is similar to a Regular Leaf Blower noise, only when it's running in very close proximity to your ear. As an experiment, get your leaf blower from the garage or the kids' room. Fire it up and put it on the highest setting. Now go into your bathroom and stand in the tub, with the blower going like mad. Try singing, because it sounds great with all the natural reverb. The Industrial Leaf Blower noise is a lot like this, but different.

It's Say Something Nice About Apple Day!  Well, there's not really any such day, but I can only bring myself to say something nice about once a year, largely because Apple only does something nice once a year. That having been said, in the next version of iOS, Apple introduces browser (Safari) technology that disables pervasive tracking by ads. You know, the cookies that tell sites where you've been and put up 'relevant ads.' The main way to do this is to disable third party cookies, but the ad people found a way to do this with first party cookies, from the site itself.

Predictably, the top ad agencies had a heart attack, writing a letter to Apple, complaining that they're breaking the internet. Apple fired back that the technology is invasive, allowing companies to virtually reconstruct browser history.

Color me impressed.

• Word of advice: you might want to avoid watching Russian military technology on anything other than video.  So much to mine here, but my favorite is "the victims were most likely journalists."

According to a New York plastic surgeon, women are dropping $50,000 for surgery to look like Ivanka Trump.  I guess Real Housewives is over for the season.

• If you use WhatsApp, you may be able to breathe a little easier. WhatsApp declined a request from the government for a back door. You know, they needed it because of 'terrorism'. Of course, we use Signal, which also doesn't have back doors. Can you say Pervasive Government Surveillance?

Useless Fact of the Day: Iceland is the only country without mosquitoes. It may also be one of the countries where you can't name your children anything you want, so that's your tradeoff.

• Taco Bell plans three hundred new locations, all without drive-thru. This is because they will be serving alcohol, and apparently you can't buy alcohol in a drive-thru. You have to go inside to buy it, which makes perfect sense, in that it makes no sense at all. Even PA has drive-thru beer distributors.
• We can't have people ordering alcohol in a drive-thru because they might drive drunk. As opposed to going in side, buying alcohol, and driving.
• The good news is that, well, you can buy alcohol. The other news, and you can decide whether it's good or bad, is that you can now be drunk while your intestines are emptying themselves of the poison you just ate with your alcohol.

Colorado Springs police are looking for a woman they call The Mad Pooper. She jogs and defecates on lawns. Personally I'm opposed to both. If you have to clean up after your dog, why not your jogger? Perhaps she ate at one of the Taco Bells that serve alcohol.

• A Phoenix, Arizona man pled guilty to one count of wire fraud, after he refused to hand over credentials to a company's domain. They wanted to update their domain information and he claimed he didn't have the credentials. He did, of course.  First he screwed up the company's email. The he moved their website to a blank page. Finally, in a bold move, he told the company if they didn't pay him $10,000, he'd direct the company's webpage to teen[sexual orientation][body part].com
• The company, wisely or not, refused the ransom, at which point the man made good and for a few days, the company's site was directed to the porn site. The authorities got involved and Tavis Tso took a plea deal, involving $9,145 in restitution.  There was no jail time because the US Attorney referred to the crime as a One Time Lapse.
• So the next time you come to America as an illegal or rob a bank, make sure you specify that this was a One Time Lapse.

The International Standards Organization (ISO) has rejected two NSA encryption algorithms because the NSA is not trusted to put security ahead of surveillance. In plain English, NSA encryption will not be a standard because the NSA can't be trusted not to put in a back door. Finally, some common sense, not to mention a bit of sad, internal laughter.

• As if the Equifax hack weren't fun enough, Equifax sent victims to a fake website. Do you trust this company with most of your important information? That you had no say over?

I got up early this morning, if you want an indicator of how my day's going.

Lastly, I plan to ask Mr. Google why their blogging platform's spellcheck chokes on the word 'internet'.

lefty Gets Loose

Four million Time Warner (now Spectrum) accounts were left open to the internet, via a third party for about seven years. If you're sending them money, you should probably stop. Or at least give them a ring.

• Uganda is building a porn detector that can look at your computer, detect porn, and delete it. All they had to do was ask me - I'm pretty good at that. Sure is a good thing Uganda has cured cancer and has nothing left to achieve.

FEMA has released guidelines in the event of a hurricane. "Leave immediately when told by local officials" is the first one.  Number two must be "Don't go outside in a hurricane."

• ME: You can tell the boss about my difficulty getting the form. HIM: Well, I still have other forms to collect. What does one have to do with the other? This is daily for me. Men are from Mars, Men are from Uranus.

Wisdom for the ages: Do not set yourself on fire.

• I recently spoke to someone called Moon. That is all.

On National Beer Lovers Day, I shall be sitting at home, sipping a cold Snapple lemon iced tea.

• there is now an electric Jaguar, the #Etype Zero. Now you have to have your batteries calibrated if you go drive up more hilly areas.

A British scientist rode a bike fitted with an ultrasonic distance sensor to see how closely cars would pass him. He found that cars gave him about six inches more space when he was wearing a wig so that drivers passing from behind would think he was a woman.  The lesson here? Never mind the helmet - wear a wig.

• Note to Florida: you are in the midst of one of the top seven storms to ever hit the United States. By all means, get those SUVs out on the roads. You can absolutely drive through a couple feet of water, just like people in northern states can drive through feet of snow or on ice.
• We will need selfies: stand in front of the remains of a house or military vehicles. If you're bored of being inside, get one with a tornado.
• Note to Self: it's NAPLES, not Nipples
• Once the storm has passed, call your electricity provider and ask them repeatedly when power will be back. Call the cable company and bother them too; in fact, call someone and ask when the phones will be up.
• In the midst of the storm, call anyone you can to see how your friends or family are. First responders will be happy to go out in the midst of the hurricane to check for you.
• Wait til the wind starts blowing and inquire about getting some wood for your windows. Also ask where to get batteries and water. Then see people charging twenty dollars for a case of water.
• Make sure to get out and loot early. Ignore the fact that many will be armed and the police are actually out looking for you. If you're hungry, there are many places to steal sneakers.
• Start inquiring about the next storm.
• The inadvertent funniest part of the news coverage was watching some poor fellow's car breaking and being rescued by a van. As if this weren't bad enough, one Fox station broadcast continually from this location. If the owner of this car was watching this station, he saw his broken vehicle in every shot the station took from Naples.

There has been a huge hack of Equifax, potentially affecting 143 million people. Among stolen data is names, social security numbers, birth dates, and addresses. In some cases, credit card numbers and driver's licenses, and other personal information. These brilliant souls have an unbelievable amount of your information. Strangely enough, three managers sold a lot of stock before the breach was disclosed. The breach was not disclosed for over a month. Here's what to do. How did they get breached? A nine year old vulnerability.

• Enjoy and use these privacy and safety tips for Windows 7.

Best Buy and many others have pulled or stopped using Kaspersky products, due to the suspicion that Kaspersky is a little too cozy with the Russian government. At this point, the link has not been established. 

• 9-11 is the anniversary of a terrible event, put together by warmongering neocons, in order to get legislation passed and push more war. There are many theories on how this was pulled off physically, none of which agree with the official story. All one has to do is review some of the video on YouTube to familiarize yourself with some of the actual events which diverge from the official story. It is a national disgrace, causing massive loss of life.

I went out with some friends the other night.
It's never a good thing when they choose the restaurant.  I don't get out much (I'm working on my agorophobe certificate) so when I do, I like good food. Since everyone's version of good food is different, I wind up in strange places. I'm going to be polite here and say that my friends have a 'more highly developed palatte' than me.

Since we aren't brimming with cash and prefer our own cooking anyway, we tend not to eat out a lot. I have a pizza place close by with the best pizza I've ever had. This is confirmed whenever anyone comes to visit. It's so good, it's a shame to put toppings on it. I could eat it most nights. Even considering e-coli, we're fond of Chipotle. No one, including employees, can tell us why there's a wooden behemoth taking up one third of the store. I guess it's one of those questions that will remain unanswered throughout the ages.

So my friends suggest a more upscale restaurant. For me, this means any restaurant with slightly dimmed lights and high prices. As if this weren't enough to put me off going out, the food gets to me. I don't want half cooked duck breast. Four kinds of cheese, two of which I've never heard. I don't want anything braised, garnished with tarragon, put on a plate with swirls and drops of this and that, or anything with sun dried tomatoes. Sun dried tomatoes are an immediate sign that I shouldn't be eating at that restaurant. I am not saying that people shouldn't eat that stuff - just that I don't.  The real Final Straw.. the thing that will send me screaming, out the front door, is rosemary. I can identify one part per million of those disgusting little twigs. I can tell if a dish has been prepared in the vicinity of rosemary. I know when there's rosemary in the same kitchen where my meal is being cooked. It might even be genetic: my entire family doesn't like rosemary. So if I see sun dried tomatoes or rosemary on the menu, it's a sure sign I don't belong there.

So, I don't like rosemary.

Further, I firmly believe that figs belong solely in Newtons and that pepperoni pizza should have red sauce on it - not five different, hand-picked cheeses and an artisinal crust. Locally caught fish has no business on anything called pizza, even with lox and a special Stolichnaya glaze. And nothing in the universe should have blue cheese on it. There is more mold in that foul-smelling cheeselike substance than an entire warehouse of WWII leftovers. Is there a plain old burger on the menu? Why yes there is! It is loving garnished with bourbon and thyme, with a special filling of peaches and goat cheese. How about a bacon cheeseburger? You betcha! Except it's our own special prosciutto limburger vegan burger, with organic ketchup and sage pickles.

This is why I don't get invited to parties. Or dinner. And don't get out much.

I'll admit it - I drink like a girl. And when I say girl, I mean a little girl. I only do it once every few months, and it consists of one drink. It must be sweet; I really like frozen strawberry margaritas with sugar around the rim (just like my breakfast cereal, except it's chocolate).

It's not that I don't get out much - it's more that I don't like the stuff they serve.  I'm a simple man... simple but complex.