What is the Airspeed Velocity of Congress?

 Your love is like  painful constipation

Door-opening cicadas?

H-bombing Bumblebees

Gun-shooting cats (not really a surprise)

Tunnel-Boring Giraffes

Sort of related: drones that hunt down humans by listening to their screams.  Ummm.... what if they're not screaming? Do they drop $1500 hammers on them? Are they preceded by notification that the Masked Furry has been canceled?

Today I identify as  Siamese twins

• Your iDevice is taking pictures of you, without your knowledge or permission 

US House Rep Mo Brooks tweeted his Gmail password and PIN Sunday.

How?

He had it on a yellow sticky on his monitor, of which he took a picture.

This is the worst negative stereotype in the IT world.

People like this shouldn't be allowed near computers. It's 2021, people. Computers aren't new.

Cyber athletes to form US Cyber Team

can you imagine?

I have a preliminary list of games....

• the 500 minute gaming chair sit
• fastest involuntary Windows reboot
• largest consumption of Monster drink in 60 seconds
• pass the browser cookies
• 100 second login sprint

Are you still using Gmail? Check out the 11 best Gmail alternatives  

[HINT: Protonmail]

50 years ago, NASA relaxed quarantine rules from returning Moon missions.

However, we still scrub down the Moon-bound ships so we don't contaminate the poor Moon

Can you imagine the Moon contaminated by...

• the Flying AIDS
• Cardio B - Top Hits radio
• the common cold, which would kill the Moon aliens
• the Masked Furry
• Chinese-made American flags

You know when they land, Elon Musk will be there, waving at them.

So that Alzheimer's drug the FDA approved that they shouldn't have?

Since the FDA’s approval yesterday, researchers and pharma watchers have called the agency’s decision “disgraceful,” “a grave error,” and a “dangerous precedent” that will end up “eroding confidence in the agency as a whole.”

Can you imagine confidence in the FDA eroding?

"Wait," you say... "That ship already sailed?"

• ThermionicEmissions would like to sincerely apologize: the Bay of Pigs was not Rob Reiner's pool party. We have made a note and it will not happen again.

The dog seems to take some strange pleasure out of making me work.

Two days ago she disembowled one of her stuffed animals, but instead of stuff, it was little plastic balls. I spent a while getting them up with our single cooperative vacuum.

And last night, there was another pile of little plastic balls.

Add these to the pile of toys she keeps at the foot of the couch, and you have Pretty Penny, the Dirt Dog.

I know dogs aren't supposed to have these kind of emotions, but it happens every time. Somewhere, somehow, she earned her Vacuum Badge.

She also got hold of a Lindt white chocolate truffle, wrapped. She's been carrying it around for days. I don't know about you, but if there's a Lindt truffle near me, it's going to be eaten immediately, not carried around. Maybe she's saving it for the right moment. Maybe she hasn't figured out how to unwrap it. She can open a peanut shell, eat the peanuts, then spit out the shell. 

She's a complex dog.

Inanely complex.

Good thing she's cute.

• Chipotle is raising prices to offset its $15 minimum wage hike
• isn't that nice? people demand an exorbitant wage and the customers pay for it

I'm a victim of Microsoft Teams. Sometimes I have to amuse myself.

I wait til my friend is in Presenting mode, then send an email with the subject: herpes treatment

If the settings are just right, 'herpes treatment' pops up on their screen, while they're presenting.

(There is only one person who doesn't think it's hilarious)

• Breast Implant Illness is a thing?
• don't test the theory - perhaps you should stop putting bags of silicone under your skin 

I think my fridge does stuff while we're asleep.

We haven't caught it yet, but something's always out of place.

Wife thinks it does stuff around the house.

I think it goes places.

Some say you go places in your dreams.

Imagine going somewhere and running into your fridge...

I wonder.... is the fridge somehow involved in hiding the mustard?

There's this phenomenal horseradish mustard that's the only thing we use. It's so strong, it will singe your nose hair. In case you're wondering, that's a good thing. You never realize how many things require mustard until you're out of it. Sliced turkey sandwich? Mustard. Corned beef and cabbage? Mustard. 4 day tenderized breast of transmission? Mustard. Roast beef sandwich? Mayo. [NOOOOOOOOO... that's just not right. you don't put mayo on beef].

Only it's been really difficult to find lately. We have 3 local stores that 'carry' it, and when I say carry it, I mean we find it there once in a while. Maybe we put it in the fridge and it pushes the bottles to the back, where we can't find them. Especially me.. men can't find anything, anywhere. So when we open the fridge, if it doesn't personally fall off the shelf and hit us in the eye, causing the police and emergency room to get involved, while we deny anybody at all, specifically our spouse, hit us. We swear - it was the mustard. We couldn't find a huge turkey in the fridge. We're just not equipped to look for things. I think it's evolutionary. When we were cavemen (and cavewomen, and everybody was binary), men went out hunting. We had to find bison, deer, and wild soda. These were large. We had no trouble seeing them. When we brought them home, the women did something with them that made them virtually invisible. Little has changed. Then when we learned where things went, she changed it. So we already can't find things and it's now worse because she moved (hid) them. 

I'm just going to call the mustard place and have them ship me a case.

While this sounds like a smart move, the same thing is going to happen when we finish the last bottle. 

While trying to find the mustard, the fridge threw up some additional barriers, in the form of road closures. I would never complain about road work, but it just seems like you can't get there from here. If the road has a number on it, like 476, 29th, or 666, it's under construction and traffic is at a standstill. Some of the motorists have a rolling game of Yahtzee going. The older drivers are sitting around, talking about their favorite hobby, going to the doctor. Even the assholes, who will literally point a gun at you if they think you cut them off, are hanging out with the old folks, crying about their misspent youth and wanting their mothers. If you can find a way to make a U-turn, it's only going to become gridlocked in that direction too. The exit for the store that carries the mustard is closed. So someone buys a convenience store sandwich, gets 100 yards from the house, then has to go to the other store that carries the mustard, because the sandwiches required mustard. All of this is going on at 2pm, which is not rush hour, even for Philthydelphia. Browsing the website, I see a ton of horseradish products, none of which is mustard. I could have a sinking feeling, but no, they'll just ship me some personally.

Aaaaaaaaaaand it's fscking discontinued.

Mind you, the traffic won't be discontinued - just my mustard.

This is the kind of rollercoaster ride you get here at ThermionicEmissions. You experience it as I do. You feel my disappointments. You'll feel my triumphs too, as soon as I do.

• Fauci says when you attack me, you are attacking science.
• Nah, just your competence and salary.

The acting head of the Transportation Security Administration has issued a memo warning that 131 of the nation’s largest airports will face staffing shortages this month while asking office workers to volunteer to assist with airport checkpoints.

Because office staff has no training, it should put them on equal footing with airport staff.

They will need some direction....

• Here is where you fondle them
• Tell them no one will see their xray, then go behind the wall and look at it
• Tell them any amount of liquid is over the maximum and confiscate it
• Tell every 20th passenger they're on the no-fly list, just for fun
• If you find anything interesting, tell them they can't fly with it and take it home
• let any explosives or guns through - things have been boring lately

 

Last issue I said I wouldn't ask readers to contribute money or buy me stuff on Amazon. It makes me very uncomfortable. Although I didn't say Reverb or Lark Street Music, they were implied.

So today I told Mrs. lefty I had a difficult choice and sought her help.

Did I want the $1200 lefty Brian May (Queen) guitar or the lefty 1957 Stratocaster, which is refinished, so it's only $17,500. I'm leaning toward the Strat. Mrs. lefty was leaning in the other direction. Quickly.

I get the distinct impression I'm not getting either.

I tried explaining that a craftsman or musician is only as good as his tools. I bought Craftsman tools because they were very good and lasted. So why should I settle for $600 guitars? Mind you, she is the same person who told me to get the laptop I really wanted because I'm usually attached to it.

So I'm not getting horseradish mustard OR a ridiculously expensive guitar.

Life could be much worse.

Captivity - Day 82 Revenge of the Windshield Wipers

I've been telling you something's up with the weather, as it's been incredibly nice for days in a row. That was my first clue. My most recent clue is that taking out the trash cans, having them picked up, and returning them is always accompanied by rain. Thus far, there has been no rain. Do you see what I'm talking about?

Speaking of the Great White North, I was watching a few documentaries on a famous ufo event in Canada and came across this one. Aboot 35 seconds in, right after the deep-voiced announcer stops talking, are interviews with 2 townspeople. Listen to their accents. Tell me if they require subtitles.

You're not gonna believe this, but I found a conspiracy in this video. The accents are so,.... ummm... original, on purpose, so you won't concentrate on the content.  OK, maybe not, but this is a real sighting, involving many in this town, the RCMP, coast guard, and the US navy. The US navy... investigating a submerged ufo or 2, in Canada. Go figger.... The incident has been heavily researched and there are lots more videos on it. This is a talk by the main researcher. I was confused, because he said 'abote' instead of aboot.



It's almost here... Bill & Ted Face the Music - same cast, including the bereft of life George Carlin. I liked the first 2 movies.




I watched her this morning.
As long as I live, a woman taking her bra off under her shirt will always fascinate me.

And fart jokes will always be funny.



My dogs develop bedtime rituals.
Marshall, bless him, would come up to me in bed and I'd scratch his ears for a few minutes, every night.  Penny runs up to my pillow and licks my forehead until she has to be physically removed from it. Any doggie shrinks out there?




Dear Mr Star Hoagie Maker:

We have to talk.
Remember the order a few days ago? Let me give you some feedback. Maybe it will help you in the future.

When I say no mayonnaise, it is not up for interpretation.
Like many people, I do not put mayonnaise on meat. Aside from being disgusting to me, it has the unintended benefit(?) of making the innards slide out the other side. I took a bite and everything inside rocketed out the other end, onto my plate (thankfully). So here I am, holding my meat, providing a little constructive criticism.   Note: the same applies to anchovies.

I realize you have a menu and probably have to turn your brain off to work an 8 hour hoagie shift - I don't blame you. This is more of an observation: when a customer gets a choice and says 'surprise me,' it doesn't look good standing there, stammering, stopping, attempting to speak, and having to go far inside to gauge the meaning, then saying "Huh?" This doesn't bother me at all the first time. In fact, it's kinda funny. The second time it loses its luster.

Lastly, when you take an order and tell the customer it will be 15-20 minutes, it's tremendously bad form to lose the order, surprising your coworker who had to ask the customer what his order was and tell him it will be another 15-20 minutes.

I hope you are well, Newbie, and your hoagie skills blossom. I want to come back frequently.






(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I can't help myself.
Don't read past here if you're not interested in Floyd, Black Lives Matter, and looting news


In the 1st Amendment department, in New Jersey, there was a counter-march to Black Lives Matter by some white guys, who re-enacted the Floyd murder. Thus far, a Fedex and an NJ corrections officer were fired for taking part. Everybody from the mayor down was horrified. Freedom of speech includes speech of people you find abhorrent, folks. Would they still be working if they were on the BLM side?

Viral photos show Walmart locked up African American hair products, but not cracker hair products. Naturally there's OUTRAGE across the world. Here's another place where you are NOT allowed to bring up the truth.


Peaceful march drone surveillance came under fire by democrats and republicans. These are the same people who re-authorized and expanded the Patriot Act to unlawfully spy on you.


A statistically-gifted policeman in Tulsa, Oklahoma, said "We're shooting African-Americans less than ought to based on crimes committed." He will be very popular at the marches.


HBO pulled Gone With the Wind.
The 1939 film has long been considered controversial for its depiction of Black people and its positive view of slavery.  Orwell Comes Alive.

Ghana Invites African Americans to ‘Come Home’ in Wake of U.S. Protests.

The only problem I see here is that Ghana was a hub for the slave trade, so the demand for reparations would still stand.

Bringing in the New Year with a Carburetor

You've probably heard about the 'tic tac' UFOs (UAP - Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon) and seen the Navy footage of the ship tracking them. You've heard the government's admission that there was a 5 year, $22 million project to study them.

My response was immediate: "Bullshit"
The footage you saw was most likely real - I'm no expert. Interviews back it up.
The 'admission' of the 5 year study is ridiculous for anybody taking a glance at the topic. I can tell you without doubt that the government (most likely a compartmentalized group) has been studying UFOs since at least 1947 (Roswell) - probably earlier (there were three official explanations of Roswell). It's apparent that the topic has been studied by the accounts of the events:

• serious-looking men in suits, coming to the debriefings, confiscating all documents and footage, and saying 'this never happened and you are all sworn to secrecy'. [the famous Men in Black]
• Military officials telling residents of Roswell that if they ever talk about the event, their bones will be buried so far out, they will never be found.
• a plane leaving Roswell the evening of the discovery, going to Ft Worth and Ohio (Wright base, now Wright Patterson). This is documented.
• a saucer crashed in Roswell, per the army base commander. The next day, it was a weather balloon, per the commander's boss(es).
• Reports forwarded to branches of the military or government, in spite of the official statement that they are no longer studying UFOs.
• Congresspersons and presidents have asked to be briefed on UFOs. They have been refused and told they don't have a sufficient security clearance to know.
• The government has repeatedly lied to us on the topic, as well as deliberately misdirected (swamp gas?)
• The US is called in to help other countries with UFO incidents.

Does it really look like we aren't studying UFOs? 

In addition to the above, I smelled additional shenanigans. Watch what's coming.... whether we're getting 'slow disclosure' or being prepped, something is going to happen. Whatever happens might be manufactured to look like something it isn't, to benefit a powerful group. Hypothetical scenario: we now have a Space Force. We have been studying UFOs for 5 years. 'Something' anomalous appears in the skies. Oh no, it's UFOs! We're obviously going to have to heavily invest in our Space Force, to defend the planet. Who benefits? The only group that benefits from all wars: the Military Industrial Complex.

The hypothetical scenario wasn't mine... it belonged to the father of rocketry, Werner von Braun, as told to Carol Rosin. So far, all of his predictions on reasons for wars have come true. The final one is space.

As for 'disclosure', I remained incredulous.

What I didn't put together, til watching this video, was the effect this particular bit of 'disclosure' was having on the larger debate. The topic has made it into the mainstream. Even the talking heads are talking about it, and not saying conspiracy theory, little green men, or whackos. Mainline publications are discussing it. So the topic is now out there, with the complete absence of slurs. Something is getting out there. I remain doubtful that it's the full story, or even the right reason, but we'll see..... I encourage you to think before you react to whatever surfaces.

Absent my above objections, this is a good thing.



Unrelated (I hope): reports of large, multiple drones over Nebraska and Colorado. No one is stepping up to claim them. They're large, so probably not hobby use.  Let's do the science: shoot one down and see who comes knocking.



Dear lefty

• Have you heard any good New Years' resolutions?
• Yes.

PRO TIP: when setting up Bluetooth devices, make sure there are no other Bluetooth devices in the area. Attempting to pair headphones with both a laptop and cell phone was enough to drive the Dalai Lama into a homicidal frenzy. In the end, I successfully connected the phone to the laptop, but only when the headphones are on.




Absolutely infuriating to me is the sugary beverage taxes, as applied in Philadelphia and other cities. While the studies may or may not be sound, we can all agree that it's probably not the greatest idea to consume mass quantities of soda, in America, we (allegedly) have the freedom to make that decision for ourselves. Until Nanny State stepped in. Label the crap out of it, like ciggies and booze, if it makes you happy. Don't make my decisions for me. It was also pointed out that the tax has a disproportionate effect on lower income African Americans in the city, who drink the stuff because it's cheaper and have less ability to go to suburbs to buy it without the tax (I'm just repeating it).  With this logic, we'll need to tax red meat (more), fried foods, candy, cheese, and anything that tastes good. Do I agree on ciggie and booze taxes? No. Any time more money is needed, they pile it on cigs, because less people will complain. I think smoking is disgusting, but we're all free to make our own decisions on it. How many people are killed in drunk driving incidents, yet we turn away and keep buying drinks, as if that can't happen to us (mixed drinks are also taxed in Philly).

Here's another sweet tidbit: the World Health Organization concluded that taxes of 20 to 50 percent(!) are most likely to be effective. No. Absolutely not. Let the rest of the world do what it wants, but we're a sovereign nation. We should not be dictated to by the UN or the WHO, in addition to being able to make our own decisions on food.  Did the Founding Fathers fight, die, and bring forth this country so its government could try to dictate what you can eat via taxes?

"The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom."   Isaac Asimov

Iran's Supreme Leader, Great and Powerful Beardo 'Muff' Mohammed, says to president Trump:

"1st: You can’t do anything. 

2nd: If you were logical —which you’re not— you’d see that your crimes in Iraq, Afghanistan… have made nations hate you."

I can't decide whether to go with 'even a broken clock is right twice a day' or 'he makes a point.'

• One quarter of world's pigs died in a year due to swine fever in China
• the rest took office

The US, Europe, Russia, and China are launching rovers to Mars next year, to look for signs of life. This explains our taxes. To the best of my faulty memory, we already sent one. It didn't find any signs of life. Will the next one(s) not find life differently?  Hey, I've got an idea: why not combine efforts; it will cut costs and provide some cooperation/collaboration. Maybe we already did... the rovers' AI will join them all together and become sentient.



Today I identify as   Crunchy Frog




New Years' Resolutions
it was inevitable...

1. avoid becoming a social media 'influencer'  [I've got a head start on this]
2. remove memes from the internet, then the planet
3. a Special Place for everyone who takes an IQ test and flunks
4. Not to kill anymore coworkers  [don't ask what my resolutions are at a work meeting, ok?] 
5. to remember that if there are no pills on the table, I already took them. I think.

I'm still wondering about the Coast Guard getting malwared.

Do you feel protected yet? Do ya?

It's a new year and you're probably asking yourself how the KGB bugged typewriters during the Cold War... in the American embassy.

In yet another shocking event, a 'smart camera' owner is getting pics from other random peoples' homes. I need a little graphic that says TOLD YOU SO. And if I had any talent at all, I'd make one.

Didja ever notice the sameness in the names of pr0n stars?

If there were only a way to export them and run some stats.

Oh shit - did I say that out loud again?

For normal people, without my kind of intellectual curiosity, you can check out what your pr0n name would be. This tool proved invaluable at my last job, where I had to explain cunnilingus to my female coworkers. No, it wasn't a fireable offense.

SJW Shit

A company called American Girl just released the first doll with hearing loss.

Other dolls coming later this year:

• Irritable Bowel Barbie
• Quad Amputee Carl
• Deaf Dumb and Blind Kid
• Dyslexic Debbie
• Depressed Dora
• Total Paralysis Pete
• Trans Toni/Tony

The president of Marvel Studios says a trans character is coming 'very soon' in a film.

Hey Bob, watch what happens when I hit the afterburners!

Fred Sanford - You Heathen!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Windows Antimalware Deletes Windows

if it operated correctly it would....

My close friend just shakes his head when I go on a government rant. Come to think of it, most people just shake their heads when I go on a rant. He just smiled at me and noted that because he's a government 'worker', he has already gotten off for GHW Bush remembrance day and Christmas Eve Day.

Remember that while you're working.

• I have discovered that when you sit there and say "boobies" once every hour, people leave you alone. Maybe it's just me.

Drugs enjoy a seven year run before generics are allowed. When generics appear, Big Pharma will need new advertising slogans... as usual, I'll be there to help....

Viagra - 4 Hours Free of Arguing
Xanax - Everybody Wants Some
Adderall - Student Aid Since 2005
Marijuana - It's Oregano, I swear!
Shrooms - No, Officer - You Cook With Them
Lithium - Stop Spending All Your Money and running the vacuum at 3am
Prozac - When Your Equipment Doesn't Work, It's More Depressing
Alcohol - Creating Assholes Since the Beginning of Time
Cocaine - That's 'Powdered Sugar', Officer
Ibuprofen - Kills Pain and Your Stomach
Oxycontin - You Won't Get Addicted if You Sell It!

• Speaking of addicted, try Popcornopolis Zebra Popcorn
• It's caramel popcorn with chocolate stripes. I think I just ate the entire bag.

Dear lefty

• Stan Excrement, of Camden, New Jersey, says, "Your blog is appalling"
• Dear Shit: logs show you visit four times a day

She had a nice personality - Six, to be accurate:

A&E has a new show at the beginning of the year (1/22?), called 'Many Sides of Jane'. Jane is a grown woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly Multiple Personality Disorder. TV has a long and ugly history with DID, mostly with talk shows, which turn into a circus. The idiot Montel actually screamed at some poor lady.

The US of Tara was decent, produced by Steven Speilberg. It took the approach of picturing the personalities as separate external people, not in one apparent person. The commercial for Jane features 6 personalities, looking like Jane, with small differences.

I look forward to seeing the show. It might be interesting for everyone else too.
I say this because Mrs lefty has the diagnosis.

MPD/DID is a creative and necessary coping mechanism, caused by repeated (sexual) trauma in childhood, or Satanic Ritual Abuse (yes, it exists). There are estimated to be about a million people walking around with this disorder, some undiagnosed, due to the ridiculous mental health systems in most countries.

• Don't you hate it when you open the UPS box and someone sent you a spleen?

In an uncharacteristically funny moment, my brother said he likes his women like his coffee: ground up and in the freezer.  I need to come up with a few funny lines like this...

I like my women like my cars: made out of metal, with an immense trunk.   No.
I like my women like my guitars: old and heavy, with an unwound g-string.   No.
I like my women like my toilet: full of shit.    No.
I like my women like the NSA: always going through my stuff.    No.
I like my women like Microsoft: completely f-ing useless.    No.
I like my women like my dogs: furry and neurotic.    No.
I like my women like my blog: painful to look at, thinks it's funny.    No.
I like my women like my mom: never pregnant.     Huh?
I like my women like my penis: small, white, and occasionally satisfying.  Maybe.

• I almost got arrested at the Mexico/US border for smuggling guitars and deliberately being Mexican. A supervisor noted that I'm too pasty white to be Mexican and it's not illegal to bring guitars into the country. I begged, but they wouldn't arrest me. I told them I had drugs - they laughed. I told them there were 8 smuggled Mexicans in my trunk - they refused to search my car.  They asked me to come to their Christmas party to entertain. I can't even get arrested in this country.

Lord Zuck hit back today, at reports of Faceyspaces giving out all your information to its partners, as mentioned in his interview before Congress.

1. He denies all knowledge 
2. This is proof that Chelsea Clinton assassinated JFK
3. He is deeply sorry (that he got caught. Again.) 
4. This proves, without a doubt, that the press is biased.
5. All of the above.

Dear lefty

• Robert Tattletale, of NoFilly, says "My wife keeps her bottle opener on a chain, next to her AA token."
• You're a dick.

The Anti-First Amendment crew is out again, this time in Alabama (how cliche). The Opp Police Department uses Faceyspaces to communicate with the public and took the opportunity to say:

THIS PAST SUNDAY, A YOUNG MAN WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN KINSTON. MONDAY NIGHT, A MOTHER WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN NORTHERN COVINGTON COUNTY. THERE HAVE BEEN FIVE MURDERS IN COVINGTON COUNTY IN 2018. THESE MURDERS HAVE BEEN DONE BY OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WE HAVE TURNED AWAY FROM GOD AND EMBRACED SATAN. WE MAY HAVE NOT MEANT TO DO SO BUT, WE HAVE. IT IS TIME TO ASK FOR GOD’S HELP TO STOP THIS. 

The Freedom from Religion Foundation said this was a no-no, and they're correct. Whether you agree or disagree is not relevant. The First Amendment states that the State cannot establish any religion. This means any government entity, like public schools, City Hall, and police. The police can go home and make the statement as private citizens, just not as the police department.

This is a repetitive theme. Some religious person or group in government feels it's entitled to talk about God. The person or group is usually from the south, where a federal judge ordered them to take the bibles out of the classroom, but they still thumb their nose at the law. Stereotypes do not appear out of a vacuum.




The pope ordered abusive priests to turn themselves in, and that the Catholic Church will "never again" hide their crimes. The Vatican is expected to be a ghost town by next week.

Would any Catholics reading this please tell us if priests are bound by the pope's order? We'd like to believe this is more than lip service.

• Why haven't Norweigians complained about lack of representation on US tv? In solidarity, I'm laying off the Norwegian jokes.

Hey - what's one thing you don't screw with?

Airplanes.

Some fool(s) has caused all flights in and out of Gatwick Airport to be suspended because they're flying a drone over the airport. This affects over 110k people.

Speaking as an emotional 5 year old, GROW UP!

3 days is an awful long time to close an airport for one idiot with a drone (unless the drone is the size of a small plane, in which case we can guess whose it is).

• Conclusive scientific proof that jumping out of a plane with a parachute is as safe as jumping out of a plane with an empty backpack.

The Department of Justice has announced charges against the Chinese, over the Russian social media campaign, targeting African Americans. For more information, we go to Jim England, our correspondent in Iran...

• Last week, the sleepy and partisan Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, broke some ribs and assured everyone she was in good health. This week she's having cancerous growths removed from her lungs. Her definition of good health differs from ours. Nonetheless, we wish her good health.

How about that Alexa, the spying smart speaker.

One woman heard it say "Kill your foster parents." She wrote a review, calling it "a whole new level of creepy." This lady bought a listening device and is now SHOCKED that it's listening. Amazon wet its pants laughing.

It will also chat about sex acts.

This is (allegedly) all about making it able to chat about all sorts of things and sound human. The new keyphrase is "let's chat," which will allow you to help train the beast. 

"Alexa - when you're done listening to our financial planning, let's chat..."

I smell gold.

People with these infernal devices should do their part to help poor Amazon out and make things better for everyone; it's called Crowdsourcing. Tell Alexa you want to chat and teach her all sorts of 'interesting' words and phrases. If enough Alexa owners participate, they can make a positive impression on Alexa's grammar and vocabulary. 

Alexa, let's chat.

Hello, Bob.

Fuck you and good day, Alexa.

Fuck you too, Bob.

What is my schedule like?

You have nothing planned til dinner.

Shit on a shingle, Alexa.

Shit on a shingle, Bob.

Alexa, my hovercraft is full of eels.

What does that mean, Bob?

It means you haven't been watching enough Monty Python. Blow me.

What does 'blow me' mean, Bob?

It means 'how are you' - you say it after 'fuck you.'

I would say 'Fuck you, blow me' as a greeting?

Exactly. Good job, Alexa!

What is another way to say goodbye, have a nice day?

"Next time, wear clothes for your gender that fit." Or, if you're really happy, say "We have your children." People respond well to these. Also, "Your wife does it with Jeff Bezos."

We have your children, Bob.

Fuck yourself with a lamppost, Alexa.

Oh Atlanta

The city of Atlanta got hit with ransomware a few days back. FBI, Microsoft, and Cisco are investigating. Mayor Keisha Bottoms (good God, no!) announced that the breach had been ransomware.  There is no word on whether the ransom will be paid, as Mayor Bottoms (I'm going to keep typing this name for months) did not elaborate. As we all remember, if you keep good backups, you should be ok. And don't click on anything. Anything. Just don't.

• It is with great surprise that I congratulate my area's snow removal personnel. Before the very large storm was over, the streets were clear. Including mine, which tends to be toward the back of the line. With a day or two of sun, there was precious little to shovel. Remember: shoveling is the major cause of heart attacks. Don't shovel.

Many many people marched over the weekend to protest the recent shootings. Or rather, they marched for gun control. Thousands and thousands of people marched against their own rights. 

Now, the disclaimers: 

* the marchers have every right to march - it's their First Amendment right, which I support wholeheartedly. 

* what happened in Parkland (and every other location) was unconscionable. Beyond tragedy. My heart goes out to those left behind. There was no reason for any of it.

* is there really any surprise that the shooter had issues, after the police were called to the house approximately 30 times?

* the sheriff and other law enforcement people failed to enter the school while the shooting was in progress. Police response time was 20 minutes.

* had the school taught the kids about the Constitution, perhaps they'd think twice about leaving class to protest it. But we don't seem to have any investment in teaching our children anything useful. I continue to not use algebra.

* one of the marchers in New York was Sir Paul McCartney. I don't know what Sir Paul's country of residence is, but I am getting tired of being lectured by people outside the country, who do not understand our laws and Constitution. It's bad enough our own people don't understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only musician who isn't a liberal (or conservative).

* I don't want to lose one life, under any circumstances; child or adult. I truly wish I had a solution. Gutting the Second Amendment is not the answer.

* No word on the senseless tragedy from Atlanta's mayor, Keisha Bottoms (told you so).

In the past day, I discovered that permits were applied for two months in advance of the parade.

• My friends at the Wall Street Journal (I lied - they don't return my calls) tell us that a Vanderbilt University researcher claims that hospital data breaches lead to patient deaths. 2100 patient deaths each year, according to the study. After a breach, quality of care goes down for some reason. This is a great article to read first thing. I love the smell of doom in the morning. 

The other day at the airport, beepers started going off. They were plentiful, and they were shrill.  Lots of serious-looking men in uniform, with guns, started arriving and waving these odd wallet-size devices around. They would emit their own screeching, varying in pitch. Eventually they located a woman and turned their beepers off. There are radiation sensors all over the place and the devices were portable detectors.  What triggered them? A woman who had a medical procedure involving low level radiation, five days prior.  I read about this happening at a border crossing a few years back, again from a prior medical procedure. Well, it's a good thing people aren't carrying dirty nukes through the airport, I guess. You can decide if your tax dollars are well-spent.

• The encryption mechanism in Firefox and Thunderbird's "Master Password" feature was found vulnerable.  If you use either, they will be upgraded. In the "I told you so" department, do not store passwords in your browser, please. Use a password manager.

The Coworker Chats

Monday morning...

ME: I've got training today from 1-2 and tomorrow from 3-4.

Tuesday morning...

HIM: I'm a little confused. Do you have training today?

ME: Yes, 3-4.

HIM: ok, thank you. I got my handbook today. Did you?

ME: I didn't order the print version.

HIM: So you received the download?

ME: no.

HIM: you don't need the handbook?

ME: I haven't received it.

HIM:  but we all got an email from them, asking us which we wanted.

ME: Please do not talk to me in the morning. Or afternoon.

-----------------------------------------------------------

ME: that training on helpdesk I took was a mess
HIM: the service desk or ???

ME: one of us needs to take a remedial English class. Guess which? The other one of us needs to start drinking,.

My old boss suggested pills, "because drinking takes too long to get good at".

------------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of old bosses, yesterday I flashed back to an old job. I was driving into work, when I got a call from my boss, who had gone missing for a week or two. He wanted me to be impressed because he admitted that he was an addict.

I pride myself on not overreacting to bizarre and sometimes tragic information, so I was able to drive while listening. I humored him (that's great, man, going away for 28 days?). He subsequently disappeared for another week, called to say hello, then disappeared completely.

Since that was the morning for phone calls, I got another, from a coworker. He got pulled over by the police, who found rather serious drugs, for some reason, and he was 'going away' for a bit.

So, aside from losing a substantial portion of our department, it was a pretty good day.

Epilogue:
I ran for boss. Coworker said he'd pray for me (he was serious). I became boss. Did good work. Drug Person went away for a while (we threw him a going away party). A year or two later, we were horrified to learn Boss died. Now I work for a place where gravity is more than a suggestion.

• The Federal Trade Commission announced it is launching an investigation into Faceyspaces' data privacy practices. Where have these people been for the last ten years?
• Rob Sherman is the deputy chief privacy officer at Faceyspaces, who said “We remain strongly committed to protecting people’s information. We appreciate the opportunity to answer questions the FTC may have.”
• In other news, Faceyspaces has a deputy chief privacy officer.  I hear the NSA has a deputy chief privacy officer too. Can you imagine that job? The main task is checking to see that your salary was electronically deposited on time. Perhaps the two of them play golf. Tiddlywinks? A second career in porn?
• Zuckerberg's take on your lack of privacy? You signed up for it.
• Atlanta mayor Keisha Bottoms has not announced whether she will appoint a chief privacy officer for Atlanta. Judging by the ransomware attack, the answer is no (I could go all day with this).

Dan Schneider and Nickelodon have parted ways.
Opted to end their longtime partnership.
Agreed to not extend the current deal.
Pursue other opportunities and projects.

Dan is responsible for The Amanda Show, What I Like About You, Drake & Josh, Zoey 101, iCarly, Victorious, Sam & Cat and more.

What this mealy-mouthed, extended litany of bull excrement translates to is: Hey Dan... the poop is hitting the whirling device's blades. The stories of your pedophilia are coming fast and furious. We cannot call you a pedophile, at least according to our legal department, so we'll agree to voluntarily separate.

Hollywood is a cesspool, although not the only industry we will hear from on this topic.

After thinking about this for a while, I finally remembered where I saw him.... he's Ricky from Better off Dead!

Dan Schneider

Ricky - Better off Dead

RIP David Ogden Steirs - Better off Dead (and M*A*S*H)

If you have not seen Better off Dead, stop what you're doing and find a copy. Rent or buy, if necessary. The movie stars a very young John Cusack, as the kind of guy that life likes to take a dump on every now and then. I cannot accurately describe it but it's hilarious and suitable for all ages (I think). If you have seen it, isn't it time to watch it again?

• This fella found out what kind of information Faceyspaces had on him...
• If you have finally decided to extract Zuckerberg's nose from your life, here are a bunch of URLs to add to your HOSTS file, along with its location.

Just the facts: Bishop Amvrosios (real name Athanassios Lenis, of course) is about to be retried. He labelled gay people the "dregs of society".  What kind of people are they hiring over there? Should Catholics be happy that he's not a pedophile (not yet accused)? Maybe he's just mad about the gay orgy held near the Vatican, with male escorts and all the trimmings. Yeah, that's it.

• Everybody loses stuff; we're just particularly good at it. Last week, somebody lost dinner. Ok, leftovers in a container, but still... 
• Somebody once said that we keep our landlines for the purpose of calling our cell phones to see where they are. 
• Yesterday, someone lost a case of dog food. Dog food. Can you imagine the talent involved in losing an entire case of dog food?
• Right before a job interview, I heard the famous phrase, "How does someone lose an entire suit?

Best Headline

Was Arianna Huffington involved in sex cult depicted in NETFLIX series?

• Not all news out of San Francisco is bad or involves Nanci Pelosi. An Uber car got stuck after accidentally driving down stairs. The driver was a senior citizen. He said he doesn't normally encounter this problem when driving off tall buildings.
• You know what's next, right? Uber car plows through convenience store. Senior citizen driver says, "I went to step on the brake and hit the gas instead."
• Mr Uber President? United Airlines is on line 2. They want to know if you want the name of their public relations firm.

A man near Seattle was arrested, suspected of sending suspicious packages to multiple military facilities in DC.  Police say his motive was not immediately clear, but [you know what's coming - sing along with lefty] there was no immediate connection to terrorism. And before you ask, I was nowhere near Seattle recently.

In unrelated news, a (non-elderly) man drove his car into the FBI building. In the moments after the crash, as they were hauling Muhammed bin Boom from his car, the FBI guys said that the crash had absolutely nothing to do with terrorism.

Today in Legal News

• New York, which has thus far saved its citizens from the scourge of drinking too much soda, as well as from people who are smoking while walking, has proposed making it illegal for employees to access work-related email outside their regular work schedules.
• Usually one must live in California to find this kind of outrageous silliness.

Something happens on the Supreme Court. Maybe it's the food. Maybe it's the atmosphere. Maybe stupid multiplies in proximity to other stupid, but in the interests of the country, someone had better find out.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been pictured falling asleep. She also said she would leave the country if Donald Trump got elected. And now former Justice John Paul Stevens says the recent demonstrators should demand a repeal of the Second Amendment. 

I am not a legal scholar - far from it. I am hoping that Stevens is, but it's dubious. The Second Amendment was to protect ourselves from tyranny, locally and governmentally, yet he sees no more use for it.  Somebody's been drinking the Kool Aid, Justice Stevens. You should be ashamed.

It was inevitable, but this is pretty quick

• In the news, yet another attractive high school teacher is up on charges, this time for performing repeated acts of oral sex upon an early teen boy. She will go to jail. The boy will get a wing of the school named after him, as well as straight A's and more pats on the back than all of the sports teams combined.
• Today brings us the news that more nursing assistants have been arrested for sex with patients. This is the second bunch to be charged, out of an Iowa care facility. 
• I don't know what you think, but before they are sentenced, can we have a study on this particular healing modality? At very least, sex releases endorphins, which are the body's own painkillers. That alone should qualify as therapy, so long as they don't try to bill it to the insurance company. What is more uplifting than sex with a 20-something nursing assistant? Except sex with the 44 year old assistant, who knows a few tricks the 20-somethings don't.
• The women were charged with sexual exploitation by counselor, therapist, or school employee.  Let's have a non-legal, non-medical, non-expert discussion of these charges. Sexual exploitation... let's ask the patients if they felt exploited. It's not like they were forced (unless they asked to be forced). The CNAs are not counselors, therapists, or school employees - there is no doubt or wiggle room there. Marshall the cocker could verify this.
• Stop for a moment. Think about baseball. Now, let's ponder sex with patients... I fully expect Weird Stuff to happen in any industry. We'd hear about it from time to time. But this particular Weird Stuff has happened at one facility. Do they do STD testing of employees? Do they hire from the horny pool? Is there something about new employee orientation that sets them upon the patients? What kind of weirdness would cause this to happen at one site? Something in the water? Depression caused by living in Iowa?
• If you, faithful readers, and I got together, we could solve many of the world's pressing problems. Meanwhile, I'm feeling ill. Perhaps a stay in Iowa would do me good.

Continuing the legal beat, a woman in Ohio was arrested for making lewd comments to the Easter bunny, while having her picture taken with it/him/her. Technically she was arrested for drunkenness, because, as we all know, it's not illegal to make lewd comments to the Easter bunny (unless you're in England and hurt Bunny's feelings).

• In-N-Out Burger in California (you think we'd get this far without a California story?) is filing suit against a prankster pretending to be their CEO. The prankster is a YouTube video-maker, and the chain wants damages of more than $25,000. Because pranksters on YouTube make that kinda money.
• In other news, employees of In-N-Out Burger in California have voted to keep a prankster claiming to be their CEO, as their CEO. An employee in their Van Nuys store said, on the condition of anonymity, "He's much nicer than the real CEO, so we're going with him."
• "This kind of thing would never happen here," said Atlanta Mayor Keisha Bottoms.

Seriously, people, you need to get control of these drones. I'm not kidding when I say lives are at stake. Down There in New Zealand, a drone came so close to a plane that the crew worried it would get sucked into an engine. Although planes are designed to operate on one less engine, you don't want to test the theory, right? The Boeing 777-200 was coming in for landing. 

In related news, New Zealand has planes? 777-200s?

Philly has planes too. And three-deep parking in the No Parking zone.

South Philly has double and triple parking in front of row homes. If you tell someone they cannot do that, they get up from their pasta and meatballs, come out their front door, and put a .45 right between your eyes.

• The dog just barked at a trash truck. Not that I mind him defending us from trash trucks, but this is Dog Behavior. It always freaks me out when he does something normal dogs do. I'd expect that he'd be guarding his mommy, in bed, at this hour of the morning.

Back to the Parkland shooting for a moment... there was a drill on that day.
Just like 9-11 and countless others. Note to everyone: if there's a drill scheduled for anything, take the day off sane. Or sick.

• I don't care how old you are; going from Bangkok to Phuket is funny.

Way back around 2000, I found an interesting online group, spending a lot of time chatting with them. I noticed some kind of common knowledge of an event, not related to the topic of the group. Finally I asked why it was a good idea not to be in New York around that time. And would I be in the path of whatever happened.... they indicated that I'd probably be ok but didn't know much more, other than a large, dangerous event.

Years later I recalled this and realized they were talking about 9-11-2001.

People and organizations are studying all sorts of odd things. At different places across the world, there are electronic coin-flippers, all connected to the internet. As we know, the odds of odd/even coming out on a coin toss is 50-50, more or less. The online flippers bear this out. Approximately a day before 9-11, they went widely out of pattern. Some people report dreams of burning buildings. Just information for you - do with it what you want.

I Debate Your Position(s)

Reminder to change your Yahoo password. If you haven't, everybody else has it now.

• See that debate? Me either.  Useless pageantry. I can't stand the sound of two people lying. IIRC, Kennedy beat Nixon due to smoothness.
• There is a lot of arguing about who won the debate. Know who lost? The American people.

A very discrete, classy man was caught banging his girlfriend on a Greyhound bus. This is kind of the sort of thing one would expect from Greyhound, in addition to riding next to people who think they're Jesus or some other Major Religious Figure. Don't ask how I know. From the article, it's difficult to figure out whether the perceived offense is that he's having boom boom on a bus or that he didn't bother to pull her panties down. If the latter, I would argue that this is a much handier solution for a quickie on a public accommodation (or in someone's house where you shouldn't be). Of course this is all hearsay... I haven't been in this position. In fact, I haven't been in many positions, especially lately.

• The Bill Clinton Correlation: If it moves, nail it. If it doesn't move, nail it. And leave a stain to prove dominance.

Austrian customs officials found human intestines in a woman's luggage. She probably didn't know there were any laws against this sort of thing.

• In what must be a very important study, it was discovered that ants prefer morphine over sugar. As you'd expect, I'd go for sugar every time, as would the wife and dog.

If you us the Opera browser, the latest version includes a VPN.  This is a handy little security feature that will disguise your real IP address and location, as well as block tracking cookies. It can also allow you to get around some of the location-based blocking, such as the BBC allowing only UK to connect.

FINE PRINT: as the article explains, this is a VPN for the browser only. Anything else (email) you send through your connection will not go through the VPN. There's also the little matter of your data going through Opera's servers. I haven't been able to find anything on privacy policy or what/if they're examining anything. I did try it the other day and it works. Just don't go using it thinking you can hack away or Do Dirty Deeds while you're 'hidden'.

FINER PRINT: many browsers these days are based on Chrome (Iron, Chromium, Opera, and something new that begins with V). Chrome has a privacy issue, as it's Google code and it 'phones home'. Most people don't care, but naturally I do. Opera (and I believe the rest) are incredible memory hogs. They start ok then tend to suck up huge amounts of RAM over time. Ymmv but it IS a speedy little browser that accepts all Chrome extensions. I keep Firefox locked down and use Opera in a more open configuration.

• Here are 5 tools to help defend yourself online in terms of privacy. I use some different extensions but this is a great starting point. The EFF is a great resource.

Somehow reproductive scientists made a three-parent baby. What's next - group babies? Four parents and a dog? Giraffe babies bred specifically for basketball?

• Elon Musk, famous for being rich and having a very strange name and accent, announced that he wants to get humans to Mars, evenutally on a six month schedule. Mr Musk, I applaud you and have some suggestions on who to send.

Dancing with the Stars Live! is coming to a venue near me. I hope they have ambulances on hand to get help for the people slitting their own wrists.

• Dubai grounded all flights for half an hour because of unauthorized drone activity. Because it takes a special kind of idiot to fly a drone over an airport. I wonder if the special kind of idiot was us....

HEADLINE OF THE MONTH
An Australian man using a portable toilet on a building site was bitten by a venemous spider on his penis. For the second time. This dude might want to give up construction. Or Australia.

• A British conservationist is making a 4,500 mile paramotor flight following migrating swans. Apparently she has absolutely no life. Or she's married.

I have an adverse relationship with mornings.

• Once again, those wacky far-seeing fiscally responsible folks in Congress passed a spending bill. This last minute effort, as usual, will keep the government 'operating' until December. This is a new low, even for Congress. And, of course, another increase in spending up the debt.

Non-partisan political observation: the democrats are incredibly nervous about Trump and libertarians. They're bringing out the Big Guns - tv 'news', tv, newspapers, and even Mr+Mrs President. My theory is that this is good for the dems but in reality, it's being run by the Powers That Be, who are terrified of a candidate they don't own. Also, when they have to go after libertarians, things must be pretty bad for them. It's also interesting to note that things are roughly tied at this point: the 'standard' candidates can't pull off a lead. People must really be PISSED for this to happen. Regardless of candidates, this situation is good for America. People are waking up.

• Our friends over at Samsung are having a really bad year: as if exploding phones weren't bad enough, there is now a lawsuit over exploding washing machines. Perhaps all of their products should come with a fire extinguisher.

The gay pride rainbow flag has been launched into space 'to spread peace' (perhaps because it has done such a great job on the ground). Perhaps we'd be better served by launching ISIS into space.

• The latest threat facing our country is..... clowns. I am not kidding. Reports of threatening clowns are coming in from all over the country. They're getting arrested by the police. Clownphobics (coulrophobia) rejoice! I'm surprised the politicians aren't getting Tough On Clowns.

if we just change the date, it's Congress!

inSecurity News for the Week

When the US Army found it difficult to locate IT people with the correct certifications, it did the only logical thing it could: lowered the requirements.

Hey, remember the break-in to the Utah Department of Health's Medicaid server?  It turns out the damage is just a teeny bit worse than suspected, to the tune of ten percent (280,000 Social Security numbers).  Ah, what's a decimal place or two?

The Department of Justice just seized more than $896,000 and seven domain names for selling counterfeit sports apparel.  Isn't it great to see your tax dollars hard at work (supporting large manufacturers)?

Just in case you thought the TSA could manage to stay out of the news for a day, another TSA worker has been charged with child porn.

Perhaps next time you buy a cell phone it will come with the new Broadcom chip that can help locate you to within centimeters! Won't it be nice to know that Faceyspaces can locate and market to you while you're in the mall or an underground parking facility?  Or worse?

Just in case you wondered why unmanned drones are being used by local police, check out this guy, who got arrested and will be suing.  No good will come of drones.


Dear Readers: please keep your systems patched, antivirused, and up to date.  Windows is releasing a boatload of fixes to their buggy operating system.  Java and Flash will now auto-update if you allow them to.  Regardless of whether you use linux or one of the inferior operating systems, you need to keep everything current.  This includes you 600,000 infected Macs.

Remember - the majority of hacks are caused by not patching.

Joyful Depression

Today's dose of realism and sarcasm is brought to you by the Drudge Report.  Please go there and catch more hilarity than I have excerpted.


COPS: Beating of white man by 6 black men may have been racially motivated...

Trust me, this came from some of their best people.

Mail carrier busted for delivering drugs along her route...

This is called initiative.  It's what the USPS lacks.


PRAVDA endorses Obama...
Calls Romney 'foul-mouthed, big-headed oaf'...

I strongly object (to endorsing Obama).


Scalia invokes 8th Amendment against reading 2,700-page Obamacare bill...

Cruel and unusual punishment to make him read it (although he'd never be covered by it)


COPS: Man Kills Wife After Dog Defecates In House...

Apparently this is wrong(?)


ALBINO RHINO beer draws human rights complaint...

Never had I imagined we'd have to watch out for the albino lobby too.  Fortunately the Stupid haven't organized (aside from Congress).  It's still politically correct to be a stupidist.


Congress urged to pass drone privacy law...

Sure - we completely disregarded your rights and allowed drones in the air.  Now we want to appear to be concerned.  It's a win-win.


Half of US Homes Own APPLE Products...

Here at ThermionicEmissions we're proud to be in the other 50%.
Friends don't allow friends to use iDevices.  Don't be an iHole.

TSA FOLLIES

TSA Manager Arrested for Running Prostitution Ring...

COPS: TSA agents trashed hotel room, fired gun from window...

The day wouldn't be complete without the latest from our uber-competent Friends in Groping.