Captivity - DAY 90 Be leary of aardvarks

It's accepted that weatherpersons are wrong most of the time.
They said it would be cloudy and rainy. It's 88% humid and bright. I can live with that.


Phrases you don't hear often:
You're such a tease, Mom...


Did you ever hear a song and not recognize it.... then you find out it's one of your favorite groups?


Creators say diversity in games essential


Raheem Sterling says it was a "massive step" that Premier League players took a knee in support of the Black Lives Matter movement. After the knee, they burned down their stadium.

Black lives DO matter. It's just hollow, now that companies are going out of their way to mention it. Guitar Center, tv networks, commercials, etc.

Yesterday was Another One of Those Days. I was pretty mad and verbal. Today I'm ANGRY. After about 3 hours of my classic entertainment, any sentient being, along with anything metal, left the house in panic mode. It's just not pretty. The neighbors bring out their chairs and popcorn to watch (safe distancing is 2 houses down). First was Object Aviation, otherwise known as 'throwing shit'. Many things became airborne, from soda cans to large tables, to the Camaro that was parked in the living room. They laughed when I said I could launch a car. They're not laughing now.

The wife and dog came back home very quietly, hoping I'd gone back to launching lighter items. Airport tower radar only registered the Camaro, but they just shook their heads, laughed, and said, "lefty's at it again." Their favorite story was when they tracked a tractor, which went up, past radar range, and demolished an NSA spy satellite. Anger can lead to positive outcomes - don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

There is a right wing group called Boogaaloo Boys. They're showing up at protests, on the opposite side of BLM. Apparently they have everything up to white supremacists. What really bothers me is that their uniform is Hawaiian shirts. These mf-ers stole my appreciation of Hawaiian shirts. I've been wearing them since before anyone knew about the web (they go great with diapers). How DARE these people make my obnoxious clothing a negative symbol. I'd let them know how I feel, but they carry automatic weapons.

Speaking of clothing, Black hole plasma jets are shaped like bell-bottoms.

Black laptops are shaped like shorts.

Black roads are shaped like cargo pants.

Black cars are shaped like slutty lingerie.

I was minding my own business, working, when the landline and cell phone went off at the same time. The moment they stopped, the landline rang again. Then the cell again.

Then there's Telephonic Round Robin: call cell - no answer. then call landline - no answer. If we're really lucky, they'll call a 2nd cell. Hey, I have an idea... if I don't answer, I'm obviously ignoring you. Calling a different line is not going to help you and it's only going to piss me off. Do you really want that on your back?
Balancing LEAVE ME ALONE with "You never answer and we're not calling you ever" is a difficult task. umm..... you could always leave a fkng message.

James Fairbanks lived near a pedophile.
James Fairbanks shot and killed the pedophile.
James Fairbanks is in jail for 1st degree murder.
James Fairbanks has a GoFund Me or similar, and he's getting tons of support from all over the country, monetary and otherwise.

Sorry, James.. we are a nation of laws, and you broke one. The big one.
The only way you could kill the bastard is if he was coming at you with a gun or anything that made you feel afraid for your life.

Yeah, the guy deserved it, but you have to do things by the law.
We also need to come up with a viable solution for pedos. Life in jail? Mrs lefty says throw him in with the general population and the problem take care of itself. Then there's chemical castration. Unfortunately it's worthless: pedos don't perform because of a sex drive. They perform because they're not right upstairs. If they castrated him, he'd still be active, just not with his jolly roger.

Then there's the not-discussed effects on the victim.
It's beyond horrible. If the child doesn't get the required help, things will not go well. They will grow up with all sorts of issues and might wind up in jail. Could be bad behavior, alcohol, drugs, recreating the crime, or becoming an abuser. The psychological effects are awful. They could also become dissociative, which looks kinda 'checking out' at the better end of the spectrum. If the abuse is repeated and traumatic, they could wind up with multiple personalities, which is the far end of the dissociative spectrum. I know this because I'm married to someone on the far end of the spectrum.

Windows Antimalware Deletes Windows

if it operated correctly it would....

My close friend just shakes his head when I go on a government rant. Come to think of it, most people just shake their heads when I go on a rant. He just smiled at me and noted that because he's a government 'worker', he has already gotten off for GHW Bush remembrance day and Christmas Eve Day.

Remember that while you're working.

• I have discovered that when you sit there and say "boobies" once every hour, people leave you alone. Maybe it's just me.

Drugs enjoy a seven year run before generics are allowed. When generics appear, Big Pharma will need new advertising slogans... as usual, I'll be there to help....

Viagra - 4 Hours Free of Arguing
Xanax - Everybody Wants Some
Adderall - Student Aid Since 2005
Marijuana - It's Oregano, I swear!
Shrooms - No, Officer - You Cook With Them
Lithium - Stop Spending All Your Money and running the vacuum at 3am
Prozac - When Your Equipment Doesn't Work, It's More Depressing
Alcohol - Creating Assholes Since the Beginning of Time
Cocaine - That's 'Powdered Sugar', Officer
Ibuprofen - Kills Pain and Your Stomach
Oxycontin - You Won't Get Addicted if You Sell It!

• Speaking of addicted, try Popcornopolis Zebra Popcorn
• It's caramel popcorn with chocolate stripes. I think I just ate the entire bag.

Dear lefty

• Stan Excrement, of Camden, New Jersey, says, "Your blog is appalling"
• Dear Shit: logs show you visit four times a day

She had a nice personality - Six, to be accurate:

A&E has a new show at the beginning of the year (1/22?), called 'Many Sides of Jane'. Jane is a grown woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly Multiple Personality Disorder. TV has a long and ugly history with DID, mostly with talk shows, which turn into a circus. The idiot Montel actually screamed at some poor lady.

The US of Tara was decent, produced by Steven Speilberg. It took the approach of picturing the personalities as separate external people, not in one apparent person. The commercial for Jane features 6 personalities, looking like Jane, with small differences.

I look forward to seeing the show. It might be interesting for everyone else too.
I say this because Mrs lefty has the diagnosis.

MPD/DID is a creative and necessary coping mechanism, caused by repeated (sexual) trauma in childhood, or Satanic Ritual Abuse (yes, it exists). There are estimated to be about a million people walking around with this disorder, some undiagnosed, due to the ridiculous mental health systems in most countries.

• Don't you hate it when you open the UPS box and someone sent you a spleen?

In an uncharacteristically funny moment, my brother said he likes his women like his coffee: ground up and in the freezer.  I need to come up with a few funny lines like this...

I like my women like my cars: made out of metal, with an immense trunk.   No.
I like my women like my guitars: old and heavy, with an unwound g-string.   No.
I like my women like my toilet: full of shit.    No.
I like my women like the NSA: always going through my stuff.    No.
I like my women like Microsoft: completely f-ing useless.    No.
I like my women like my dogs: furry and neurotic.    No.
I like my women like my blog: painful to look at, thinks it's funny.    No.
I like my women like my mom: never pregnant.     Huh?
I like my women like my penis: small, white, and occasionally satisfying.  Maybe.

• I almost got arrested at the Mexico/US border for smuggling guitars and deliberately being Mexican. A supervisor noted that I'm too pasty white to be Mexican and it's not illegal to bring guitars into the country. I begged, but they wouldn't arrest me. I told them I had drugs - they laughed. I told them there were 8 smuggled Mexicans in my trunk - they refused to search my car.  They asked me to come to their Christmas party to entertain. I can't even get arrested in this country.

Lord Zuck hit back today, at reports of Faceyspaces giving out all your information to its partners, as mentioned in his interview before Congress.

1. He denies all knowledge 
2. This is proof that Chelsea Clinton assassinated JFK
3. He is deeply sorry (that he got caught. Again.) 
4. This proves, without a doubt, that the press is biased.
5. All of the above.

Dear lefty

• Robert Tattletale, of NoFilly, says "My wife keeps her bottle opener on a chain, next to her AA token."
• You're a dick.

The Anti-First Amendment crew is out again, this time in Alabama (how cliche). The Opp Police Department uses Faceyspaces to communicate with the public and took the opportunity to say:

THIS PAST SUNDAY, A YOUNG MAN WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN KINSTON. MONDAY NIGHT, A MOTHER WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN NORTHERN COVINGTON COUNTY. THERE HAVE BEEN FIVE MURDERS IN COVINGTON COUNTY IN 2018. THESE MURDERS HAVE BEEN DONE BY OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WE HAVE TURNED AWAY FROM GOD AND EMBRACED SATAN. WE MAY HAVE NOT MEANT TO DO SO BUT, WE HAVE. IT IS TIME TO ASK FOR GOD’S HELP TO STOP THIS. 

The Freedom from Religion Foundation said this was a no-no, and they're correct. Whether you agree or disagree is not relevant. The First Amendment states that the State cannot establish any religion. This means any government entity, like public schools, City Hall, and police. The police can go home and make the statement as private citizens, just not as the police department.

This is a repetitive theme. Some religious person or group in government feels it's entitled to talk about God. The person or group is usually from the south, where a federal judge ordered them to take the bibles out of the classroom, but they still thumb their nose at the law. Stereotypes do not appear out of a vacuum.




The pope ordered abusive priests to turn themselves in, and that the Catholic Church will "never again" hide their crimes. The Vatican is expected to be a ghost town by next week.

Would any Catholics reading this please tell us if priests are bound by the pope's order? We'd like to believe this is more than lip service.

• Why haven't Norweigians complained about lack of representation on US tv? In solidarity, I'm laying off the Norwegian jokes.

Hey - what's one thing you don't screw with?

Airplanes.

Some fool(s) has caused all flights in and out of Gatwick Airport to be suspended because they're flying a drone over the airport. This affects over 110k people.

Speaking as an emotional 5 year old, GROW UP!

3 days is an awful long time to close an airport for one idiot with a drone (unless the drone is the size of a small plane, in which case we can guess whose it is).

• Conclusive scientific proof that jumping out of a plane with a parachute is as safe as jumping out of a plane with an empty backpack.

The Department of Justice has announced charges against the Chinese, over the Russian social media campaign, targeting African Americans. For more information, we go to Jim England, our correspondent in Iran...

• Last week, the sleepy and partisan Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, broke some ribs and assured everyone she was in good health. This week she's having cancerous growths removed from her lungs. Her definition of good health differs from ours. Nonetheless, we wish her good health.

How about that Alexa, the spying smart speaker.

One woman heard it say "Kill your foster parents." She wrote a review, calling it "a whole new level of creepy." This lady bought a listening device and is now SHOCKED that it's listening. Amazon wet its pants laughing.

It will also chat about sex acts.

This is (allegedly) all about making it able to chat about all sorts of things and sound human. The new keyphrase is "let's chat," which will allow you to help train the beast. 

"Alexa - when you're done listening to our financial planning, let's chat..."

I smell gold.

People with these infernal devices should do their part to help poor Amazon out and make things better for everyone; it's called Crowdsourcing. Tell Alexa you want to chat and teach her all sorts of 'interesting' words and phrases. If enough Alexa owners participate, they can make a positive impression on Alexa's grammar and vocabulary. 

Alexa, let's chat.

Hello, Bob.

Fuck you and good day, Alexa.

Fuck you too, Bob.

What is my schedule like?

You have nothing planned til dinner.

Shit on a shingle, Alexa.

Shit on a shingle, Bob.

Alexa, my hovercraft is full of eels.

What does that mean, Bob?

It means you haven't been watching enough Monty Python. Blow me.

What does 'blow me' mean, Bob?

It means 'how are you' - you say it after 'fuck you.'

I would say 'Fuck you, blow me' as a greeting?

Exactly. Good job, Alexa!

What is another way to say goodbye, have a nice day?

"Next time, wear clothes for your gender that fit." Or, if you're really happy, say "We have your children." People respond well to these. Also, "Your wife does it with Jeff Bezos."

We have your children, Bob.

Fuck yourself with a lamppost, Alexa.